XXXIV.
Xemnas calls a meeting to inform us that Roxas is gone, that he's run away. Unlike Xion however, he has quite a bit of interest in getting the boy back.
"Our Organization is not whole without its Key." Xemnas announces, arms outstretched. And I want to bite back that Xion is just as important, that she's a Keybearer too. But I know how much more important Roxas is, that he absolutely is the only one of the two of them who is allowed to live through this. I don't know how to stop my heart from breaking at these thughts. And at the words Roxas said while he left.
No one would miss me.
He cannot have possibly been more wrong.
I sit on the arm of Axel's chair and squeeze his hand. His thumb brushes my knuckles. I think that without him, I would have shattered violently, a very long time ago.
"Go out, I beseech all of you. Find our thirteenth member. There is no greater cause than this one." And I don't disagree, but no one was there other than me and Axel when Roxas stalked off into the night. No one knows we were there either, which is for the best, but what this means is that no one knows the state he was in when he left.
"Have you not noticed how pissed Roxas was the past few weeks? Since you told us not to search for Xion, he's been angry. Since you've put a bounty on her head, he's been hostile as all hell. He's not going to come back willingly." I insist.
"The boy lacks emotions, he'd do best to recall that and not fall victim to the illusion that you seem to cast upon everyone in your presence." Saix hisses at me. My forearms tense. Axel squeezes my hand a lot tighter.
"Yeah, tell that to him." I snap.
"Whether or not he has emotions is not in question, but I'm inclined to agree with Rueki. XIII is a wildcard at best. Trying to recruit him back would be a gamble indeed. This is a game we are unlikely to win." Luxord says, and while I am not suddenly excited to be around him, it's nice that someone else in the room understands logic. Plus, I have a lot more on my plate that I'm concerned about, infinitely more has gone wrong in my life since our stint in Transmute City. A petty grudge is the last of my concerns. No one in this room, save for Axel knows about my empathy link, no one knows the battle I am fighting internally.
"Are you questioning the judgement of our wise Superior?" Saix asks, eyebrow raised, tone defensive.
"Not in the slightest. However, as a gambler myself, I cannot allow someone entrance into the game without knowing all of the risks involved. I'm nothing if not fair." Luxord replies with a shrug.
"Yeah, the kid's a nut, but hey, he doesn't need to be conscious when he comes back." Xigbar says with a shrug. "If Little Rueki can't handle it, then I'm sure we can find something else for her to do."
"Do you not believe the girl to be the strongest tie to Roxas this Organization has?" Xaldin asks, again, like I'm not even in the room, and I so hate this.
"Alright, alright, I'll go after him. You can let Rueki outta this one, right? I mean, she's not even a member." Axel's eyes flash dangerously as he looks to Saix and Xemnas, who barely regard him, though I think I see the trace of a smirk on Xemnas' lips.
"Are you implying that she's incapable of holding her own, VIII?" Xemnas asks.
"I'm implying that she can't open a portal on her own. She couldn't get nearly as much searching done as the rest of us." Axel says, though I can hear in his voice a desperate plea. He's afraid I'm going to break again. Or perhaps his fears are something worse. Much worse.
"Fortunately for you, there are plenty of other members she could leach onto for the time being. You have your own special orders." Saix says to Axel, who shifts uncomfortably.
"Oh yeah? Something more important than finding Roxas?" Axel counters.
"Equally. Xion. She is still missing. And still a threat to Roxas. Being that you personally interfered on their mission, in which they were to fight each other, it is now your task to see an end to her. Find her, destroy her." Saix orders.
"How the fuck can you ask that of him?" I snap, the hand that isn't in Axel's balls into a fist. Fuck this Organization, how can a single one of them say that this is Axel's purpose, when anyone else could do this objectively? "He's her friend, haven't you asked enough of him? Between all of the shit at Oblivion, now this? Anyone else can do this fucking job, why does he constantly have to be your henchman, the fixer of all of the problems you've allowed to exist?" A discomfort falls over the room, an awkward shifting and I am reminded that the last time I mouthed off in the meeting room was when Saix and I fought and Xemnas twisted my words to his advantage.
"How many times does it need to be said that no one in this room has a heart to feel all of the things that you are so convinced we do?" Saix rolls his eyes. "Do you genuinely lack the brain power? Or are you yearning to end Xion yourself? Are you simply as heartless as the rest of us, and are keen to shed blood of yet another Organization member, as you did in Castle Oblivion."
If I thought the room was still before, I was wrong. Silence, and then murmuring, uneasy grumbling amongst the group. I feel every set of eyes on me, with such deep intensity. Beside me, every muscle in Axel's body visibly tenses and his eyes burn, a hatred, an eternal flame.
"Those were your orders, you self righteous fucking prick! You were the one who said that the traitors must be eliminated. Don't you dare try to put this on anyone other than yourself!" I scream.
"And when, would you suggest, that these words came out of my mouth? Certainly, neither myself, nor VII announced this in a meeting." Xemnas says, blithely. My hands shake in rage, my fingernails bite into my palms.
"You sent Xion and Roxas to kill each other! You've got everyone here doing the most asinine tasks ever, in the name of research when you could've just sent those two out on double duty, collecting hearts! Don't pretend you give a shit about any of the members here when you are very comfortable letting them kill each other off! Everyone in this room is a means to an end to you!" I snap.
"The musings of a lunatic." Xemnas shakes his head. "Has being in our rank derailed you so severely, Rueki? Perhaps we should've seen this coming, the incessant nightmares, the feigned panic attacks."
"Feigned? Oh, fuck you!" I snap, my body lurching forward. Axel yanks me back.
"Stop." Axel hisses. "You can't win this one." And I know this, but I don't care.
"How many secrets have you kept from everyone here, all so that you could carry on with this grand little scheme of yours? If anyone is a fucking madman, it's you!" I snap.
"Secrets. Schemes." Xemnas chuckles. "Perhaps our Flurry of Dancing Flames would care to share the deepest secret of them all. Perhaps he could tell us just how dirty your hands got in Castle Oblivion, how many times you disobeyed orders to protect the Keybearer. Or perhaps, an even better kept secret as to what he learned about your past."
Axel's mouth opens in retort, but his teeth snap back together. His nostrils flare and his eyes narrow as he regards both the Superior and his oldest friend.
"Fine. Whatever. I'll take care of Xion. I control the Assassin Nobodies, right? This is what I do best." Axel seethes, his shoulders curling back in a way that almost looks menacing. Saix looks away from him in irritation. Xemnas smirks.
"As it should be, VIII. The rest of you, as previously stated, are onto finding XIII, no matter what it takes. IX, as you were originally, you will take Rueki with you. Are there any further concerns?" Xemnas asks.
A few more mumbles and then, from Axel.
"Whatever, we're done here." He teleports the two of us down from his throne and drags me half way across the room, before anyone else is even out of their throne. I wish he would talk to me, say a single word, but I know how dangerous the room we're in is. The tight set of his jaw is probably for the best, but it does nothing to ebb my anxiety. Or my hatred.
"Hey, Rueki!" Demyx comes sprinting at us, nearly stumbling over as he picks up speed, waving his hand.
"Not now, Dem." Axel grumbles.
"Come on, man I'm just trying to do my job." Demyx sighs, and from him, I still actually believe it.
"And I said, not fucking now." Axel whips around, tearing his hand from mine, eyes blazing.
"Hey, hey, come on." Demyx puts his hand up defensively, and all I can think is that his drizzle is not enough to put out the wildfire that burns inside Axel.
"Hey!" I step in between the two of them, never thinking in a million years that I would be playing the mediator. But here I am. My hatred isn't for either of these two men beside me. My eyes flick up to where Xemnas and Saix are still conspiring in their thrones. Those two are the problem, they're the root of all of it. They're going to be the death of everyone in this room unless someone does something. "Give us ten minutes, Demyx. Just give us ten minutes to talk, you can meet me outside our room, okay?" Demyx's eyes flick nervously from Saix to Xemnas and back to us, and when he finally seems to resolve that he will not immediately be skinned alive, he nods.
"Yeah, sure." He agrees. I set my hand on Axel's back and we teleport back into our room.
"Fuck!" He roars, kicking over our nightstand with such a force that I stumble back, eyes wide. "Did you fucking hear him? How the hell could he drag you into this?" I don't know if he means Xemnas or Saix, but I agree, completely.
"Don't worry about me, I can handle myself." I insist.
"You don't understand, Rueki. Now, any alliances you might've had in the Organization are going to fade. How long do you think you and Demyx are going to be cool, when he finds out you killed Zexion?" He asks, whipping around with wild eyes.
"Doesn't matter." I say flatly. "Because this Organization can't last much longer."
"What?" He looks at me, face scrunching up.
"Xemnas wants to paint a target on my back, fine. But if we're smart, we can spin it. Take him on, get the others on our side, as many as we can. Every single one of you doesn't have a heart and you're too logical to believe the bullshit, cool, we can run with that. We'll remind anyone we can get to listen that I have a heart, that I wouldn't choose to damage it by killing anyone if I could help it, that I was just trying to stay alive, since Xemnas himself said he wanted me eliminated in Oblivion." I try. "We'll get everyone to listen, and we'll take Xemnas down."
"Who are you going to get to listen to you, Rueki?" He sighs.
"I don't know, work with me!" I plead. "We'll get Roxas back, I'll try with Demyx and Luxord. Maybe Xigbar, I dunno, he seems like kind of a wildcard."
"He's so tied to Xemnas, you couldn't even try to untangle anyone from the original six. Or Saix now. Demyx won't do anything that puts his own life on the line, and neither will Luxord. Dem's not brave enough and Luxord is too smart to do anything that's that huge of a risk with that little payoff." Axel says, which I hate. I don't like that he's deflating my ideas, I don't care how rash they are. I snatch Survivor off of the dresser, strapping into it as I look at him.
"Fine. You, me, Roxas. Once Xion's gone he'll have his full strength. We don't need everyone on our side, maybe Luxord and Demyx won't side with us, but maybe they'll try to keep their heads down. The three of us can take down Xemnas, Saix, Xaldin and Xigbar if need be. We've got this Axel!" I swear.
"This isn't going to work! There is no overthrowing them, there's no beating them. There's just doing the fucking dirty work and laying low until I get my heart back. Then we're done, we'll be free." He insists.
"Right, because that's working out so well for us right now!" I throw my hands up.
"It's not like I don't want to, Rueki, but what you're suggesting…" He shakes his head. "It just isn't possible."
"You miss every shot you don't take." I cross my arms to my chest.
"This shot will keep you alive, princess. So just leave Xemnas and Saix to me, got it memorized?" He asks.
"Why, what are you going to do?" I ask. "Or is this just another one of those things you tell me not to worry about, but then you do nothing, and it gets worse? Like this whole shit show with Roxas and Xion."
"Are you seriously blaming me?" He shakes his head. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
"I wasn't blaming you for anything. All I'm saying is don't tell me not to act and then sit around yourself, because who knows where this whole problem would be if you would've just let me do something in the first place!" I insist.
"Oh, so you'd rather go back to having nightmares every damn night, but this time about Xion and not Zexion? Real smart plan, Rueki. Forgive me, but some of us don't just want you to be alive, but sane too." He sighs.
"Would you stop underestimating me? I can handle a lot more than you think!" I remind him.
"But you shouldn't have to. We're done talking about this, Rueki. Go on your mission. I have to go hunt down our friend. No more me sitting around, doing nothing. Happy now?" He asks. And no, I'm not happy. I'm not even the slightest bit happy. Not just with this conversation but with this entire Organization. And maybe he just doesn't give a shit enough about his own life, maybe he's content just surviving, but I'm not. Especially when I know, it is only a matter of time that we will be doing that. In no time at all, Xemnas will be finding excuses to eliminate every single member here. Maybe it's the insight I have on the Organization, maybe it's Roxas' hatred of the Organization, transferring through the empathy link, maybe I'm just sick of seeing the man I love get used and abused, but something needs to change, or we will both be dead. I know this, without a shadow of a doubt. And if no one else will help me, if I have to do this myself, so be it. Not just for me, but for Axel. I don't need to say another word about this to him but… If I have to take someone out to save him, then it's such an easy choice. I was on the opposite side of things during Oblivion. Maybe he'll just have to deal with me silently plotting to take care of business. Maybe he will have to deal with being in the dark. If it means we make it out of this alive, that's all that matters.
"You know, you're a real fucking bastard when you want to be. Don't forget, you're pissed at them, not me." I turn around and stalk out the door, shoulders tense. Demyx is waiting right outside as I slam the door behind me. I don't know who jumps higher, me or him.
"Hey…" Demyx rubs the back of his neck. "I wasn't eavesdropping so like, don't worry."
"I honestly wouldn't even care if you were." I shrug. "You don't need to be afraid of me or anything, you know? I wasn't lying. I didn't kill anyone I wasn't ordered to. It's not like I would choose to…I'm not a monster." I sigh.
"I know." He offers me a small half smile, but his voice is so utterly genuine. "Come on, let's go." We start through the portal and on the other end is…Motunui…
"You think he's here?" I ask. Demyx shrugs.
"I don't have any idea where Roxas might be, only thing I know is that he's got a pretty big set, running off like this." Demyx smiles and I forgot how much I missed that. My friend, my uncomplicated, trustworthy friend. I wonder how my life might be different if he and I got close instead of me, Roxas and Xion. "But Xemnas wanted us to search here. Everyone's assigned to search a different world. Well, except for…"
"Axel." I already miss the feeling of his warmth beside me. I hate fighting with him, even when I know we're going to make up the moment I see him next. Our relationships is not as volatile as it used to be, I don't fear it crashing to an end, but still, I hate the thought of negativity between the two of us.
"Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to bring him up." Demyx sighs. "I don't know why they keep sticking us together. Haven't you told me a thousand times I need to work on being a better friend?" I know he's trying to joke with me, but it breaks my heart.
"Oh come on, you're a fine friend. A hell of a lot better than me. We've barely seen each other since I got back from Oblivion. I've had my head so far up my ass with all of this Xion shit and all of these panic attacks." I sigh. "I might actually be a terrible friend."
"Well, from one terrible friend to another—aren't you happy I don't have the heart to hold a grudge?" Demyx laughs.
"If I never hear that line from any of you people ever again, I swear, it'll still be too soon." I grin at him. "Don't tell anyone, but I've kind of missed you, Demyx."
"Now you're really starting to sound like Axel." He says.
"You know what they say about the company you keep." I offer.
"Speaking of…" He sighs and so do I.
"Xion?" I ask.
"Yeah. How long have you known about her being a puppet?" He asks.
"I dunno. A couple months now. It's a whole complicated mess. I ran into Naminé and—"
"Wait, what?" His eyes go wide.
"Oh don't go telling everyone now." I sigh. "Besides, I've tried to find her since then. I can't and believe me, I gave it my all. She was the one who told me." Not completely true but not completely a lie. It's a fine line to walk and I am disgusted by how easy it has gotten for me to do this.
"Damn." He mutters, blinking. "Why?"
"Because she thought I'd 'do the right thing' and kill Xion. I guess she's absorbing Sora's memories, not just Roxas' strength. So they're both getting weaker as she gets stronger. Not that she can control it, but yeah. Naminé decided I'd be the best person to kill my friend." I confess. And that's it, that's all he's getting out of me on this.
"Jeez." He says. "That sucks." He pats my shoulder. It's nothing like Roxas, who was just awkward and didn't know how to offer comfort. Demyx knows what to do, but this is as much effort as he is willing to give.
"Yeah." I say, because that about sums it up.
"What about Oblivion?" He asks me. I snort.
"I really don't want to talk about Oblivion, dude. Like ever again." I sigh. "I have enough fucking nightmares about that place." When I'm not dreaming about the progress of Sora's memories, or my past.
"Sorry." He offers me a half smile.
"Is this another Luxord thing? 'Just doing your job', prying information for Xemnas? Because he can eat my ass." I grumbled.
"Wait, what?" He raises his eyebrows.
"Luxord. He tricked me into killing someone, so he could report back to Xemnas that I had clearly killed before?" I say, and perhaps it was dumb of me to believe that he already knew about this. For as gossip happy as this castle seemed to be when I arrived here, now everything is so secretive and sneaky.
"Is that why you stopped coming around?" He asks, and to be honest, I don't know if it was that or being distracted by my new friends. I shrug. "Jeez, that wasn't very nice." And again, that about sums it up.
"You don't need to pretend you care dude, it's okay." I shrug. Demyx pats my shoulder again.
"I do believe you, ya know? About Oblivion. I didn't want to say anything in the Castle, it doesn't seem like anything is safe anymore…but Luxord and I have both been talking lately. This whole killing off members thing? I dunno, I know I don't have a heart, but it makes me feel uneasy." Demyx shrugs. "Something isn't right, Rueki. And Xemnas is the one who has been without a heart the longest. I wonder if it's starting to effect his mind." Just like it's effecting mine. Darkness, spilling out of my heart, letting memories in that are supposed to be lost to me forever. I'm unraveling just as fast as the madman Superior. I guess it will just be a test, to see if I can put a dent in him before I go completely insane.
"You might just be onto something there."
"I'm sorry." I say, the second I walk through the door of mine and Axel's room. Demyx didn't find Roxas, though I didn't expect to. Not even a little bit.
Axel's got a potion in one hand and is clutching his abdomen with the other. He looks like absolute hell, sallow, almost grey in the skin. I reach into my pocket and retrieve two potions. "That won't help." I say, gently taking the potion from his hand. I load both potions into Survivor, pinch my eyes shut and use all of my energy, channeling it, fast and fierce, into my claw. I set it over where his heart should be and suddenly his eyes go wide. Color is instantly restored to his face and he gasps, as though he is coming to life for the first time.
"Shit, thank you." He wheezes, setting a hand on his chest as I pull mine away. I pull Survivor off and set it on the dresser behind us, quite exhausted from the effort of my Alchemy. That is all the time it takes for him to climb out of bed and wrap his arms around my middle. "And you don't have anything to be sorry about. I'm sorry. Everything that's been happening lately is such a mess, it's not like I meant to snap. You didn't deserve that."
"It's not like I haven't snapped at you, a thousand times, even when you didn't deserve it. Like you said, we've been through hell lately. It was only a matter of time before one of us went off." I say, sighing into his touch, squeezing his hand where it rests on my middle.
"Remember when the worst thing we had to worry about was what kind of fight we'd get into that day?" He asks, chuckling.
"It feels like that was a whole different life." I smile, softly. "I sure do miss that. You know, the whole not caring if you hated me, going off on a tangent whenever I wanted to. The makeup sex."
"The makeup sex." He agrees. "I miss laughing with you. That week or so you slept in my room before we went to Oblivion. Before everything turned to shit."
"I miss those couple weeks just after we got home. Ice cream on the clock tower every evening, followed by a thousand nights to remember in bed with you." I sigh.
"What do you want when I get my heart back?" He asks.
"Hmm?"
"With our lives. With our future."
"I want to follow you to the ends of forever. I want to bum around on the beach with you. Stay in bed for days with you. Travel to every world we want to go to whenever we want to go there." I say.
"You should know better than to follow me, princess. You know I've got a damn good tendency for walking to walls." He kisses my shoulder.
"S'okay." I shrug.
"What if all I want to do is follow you to the ends of forever?"
"Then I'd say…" I try to think of a witty response, but nothing quite fits nearly as well as "I love you."
"I love you too, Rueki." He sighs, squeezing me a little tighter. "Don't tell anyone, but I couldn't do any of this without you."
"Sure you could've." I say. "You know, I've got to ask you…did you find her today?"
"Yeah, yeah I did." He stills, his arms lingering around me. "I gave that fight my all. I had no idea, I knew this would be hard but…damn. The girl is strong. Real strong, Rueks. Doesn't look good for Roxas. I beat her, but it knocked me onto my ass. When I finally woke up, she was gone."
"Faded?" I ask.
"I don't think so. We can kind of sense that sort of thing. Those of us without hearts." He says.
"I know, Marluxia and Zexion both said as much." And what's more, is I already knew the answer to it, though subconsciously. Xion and I are still tied to one another, I think we will be until she is gone. "We've gotta find Roxas."
"I lost Xion in Twilight Town. Something tells me, you might find him there too." He says.
"Why's that?" I ask.
"We're all creatures of habit, Rueki. Where do they know best, besides this world?" He asks. And he's right.
The following morning, I set out on a solo mission to Twilight Town.