Ishtar - Gran 778

Julius used to be kind. Sensible, kind, gentle… with a warm smile that lit up his face and eyes. I loved him. I loved him so much. I loved his laughter. I loved how shy he would get when he gave me gifts. I loved how excited he got whenever I agreed to a date. I loved how he encouraged me. I loved… I loved…

But love is not so blinding that I didn't notice the changes. And slowly, I learned to be wary of his laughter, because it could be caused by anything from 'Conall having to chase after Hekate before she stole fish from the kitchens again' to 'citizens of the empire being tortured until the pain drove them mad'. I learned to be wary of his smiles, because it could be genuine or it could be the last thing someone saw before he rotted them from the inside out. I learned to always agree to, or at least have a damn good excuse to avoid, his dates. I learned to always accept his gifts with a smile, no matter how much or little I actually wanted it. I learned… I learned…

But there were still flashes of his old self. I knew that. There had to be a way to save him. There had to be a way to pull him out of the darkness he had fallen into. Ha… 'fallen'... like it had been a simple bit of tripping. No, he'd been pushed. Manfroy, damn him to the darkest and blackest of hells… no, that wasn't enough. Damn him to the fires. Damn him to the hells filled with nothing but flames so that his spirit would burn forever. He was afraid of fire. He had been burned at the stake as a child, covered with scars. I wished he'd died. I felt bad for the ones who had, but gods, Manfroy sure did give a good case for the Hunts. Then again, would he have turned out as he had if there had been Hunts at all? I had no idea and, honestly, I didn't care. I hated him too much to turn him into something complicated. I wasn't Conall, who would constantly balance complicated morality with his own feelings. When I hated, I liked to keep things simple. Like how much I wanted to electrocute Manfroy until he was nothing but a twitchy pile of mush for what he did to Julius.

I wished Julius had been more careful! Why hadn't he been? He'd known there was something just plain wrong with Manfroy. We all did. We'd known it for years. We'd known it because Alicia had hated him. Even when she was so tired, so sad, slowly weakening and dying… she had hated him. She had kept him from us, as best as she could. In fact, the one time I ever heard her raise her voice was when Manfroy tried to treat Julius, without anyone else being in the room.

I wasn't supposed to be near. I had snuck out of lessons to visit Julius because he was sick. But I had heard her scream. 'Get alone with him again, and I will burn you alive!' And she had glared, fierce and defiant, and Manfroy had flinched, tucking a black tome close to his chest as he cowered. That was one of the few times I'd seen Manfroy as anything but smug. And that had been the one time I saw the 'Alicia' that Arvis had known, the 'Alicia' from before the Battle of Belhalla. That one time… all to protect Julius. And it stuck with me. I told Cyas, and it stuck with him too. The two of us always made sure to be with Julius while he was sick after that. We always made sure Manfroy couldn't get near.

Until Manfroy took advantage of how Julius was willing to help people, even those he was uncomfortable with. I wondered, now, if that tome was the same one. I wondered if Manfroy had tried to set up… all that had happened... when Julius was so young, so little. Too young to fight back. I wondered if Alicia had delayed his plans and that was why he hated her. Then again, he might've hated her because she was fire, even more than Arvis. The fire that warmed, and the fire that seared. Manfroy was scared of fire. Based on the stories of the old her and based on how much spirit she still had even when slowly dying… I could believe it.

But it hadn't mattered, had it? Manfroy still won, and I had to watch Julius slowly disappear. And I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt. But I… I knew. I knew, in my heart of hearts… I knew what had happened. I knew the inevitable. I knew no amount of denial would change it. But gods, did I ever deny. Deny, deny, deny… because the foolish, naive, lover-of-storybook-endings part screamed how it wasn't fair. How there had to be some way to fix things. How there had to be some way to stop Julius from 'dying' and leaving only a demon who wore his face. It screamed that there had to be a happy ending. But, the part of me that spent too much time with Conall scoffed and said that there was no such thing as a 'happy ending', especially given these circumstances. And my heart of hearts already mourned, even as I continued to deny. Already accepted. Already moved on and…

"The hell are you doing sitting here in the dark, Ishtar?" Conall's voice startled me, and I jerked up to see him pulling back the curtains of my room, letting the sunlight in. I didn't even hear him enter. "You practicing your night vision like a kitty cat?" he joked, smiling warmly at me. Automatically, I smiled back. I always smiled with him. Always. "You've got the worst bedhead, by the way. You kind of look like you have cat ears, actually."

"You are the worst," I retorted without heat, still with a smile. I glanced out the window and gasped, noticing how high the sun was. I was still in my nightgown, still in bed, but I was supposed to be…! "Oh, damn it! I'm-!"

"Reinhardt told Julius that you were feeling unwell, and Cyas backed him up, citing that you needed rest and seclusion and, as such, unable to meet him for that trip in the market." Conall snapped his fingers and casually used the fire to light a few candles, just to really get some light in my room. And some nice scents. "I've got Hekate keeping him busy."

"He hates Reinhardt." I was honestly scared he'd kill Reinhardt one of these days. "He…"

"Reinhardt is aware of that. But he is your knight, and has served you ever since you were both children."

"That is true." Reinhardt had been my very first friend, though he'd always deny it. To him, I was his lady and he was my knight, and that was it. Still, I could always count on him to keep me safe from the things that mattered. Like my own regrets. "Cyas helped?"

"Reinhardt made sure to get Cyas first. So now, Julius is out in the gardens, exterminating bugs to keep them from eating the flowers you so love."

"And Reinhardt and Cyas are safe?"

"As safe as can be." Conall grabbed a brush from my vanity and sat behind me to brush my hair. "You… might want to send Reinhardt to Alster, though. Just in case."

"I'll task him with watching out for Tine." I was deathly worried about her. The battles between Leonster and Alster were growing worse and while I knew Father would keep her off the battlefield as long as he could… "Why is this all happening?" So much war. So much fighting. I hated it all. Ish. I mean; I did love a good fight. I did love showing off my magical prowess. But there was just something different between a 'good fight' and… everything that was going on. Though, I was good at pretending. A good thing too, considering everything. But pretending all the time was exhausting. "Why?"

"Because a scared little boy threw a tantrum, gathered a bunch of other scared children to throw a bigger tantrum, and now they want the world to feel the pain they felt." Conall was, as always, perfectly blunt. "I'd also argue some bit of madness born from being treated like criminals for being born, and honestly, I'm certain that living in the Yied makes you more than a little crazy by default. And the lack of sunshine." Conall paused at a particularly bad tangle. I hadn't brushed my hair last night. Actually, I hadn't brushed it for a couple of days. "Too much sun is bad, of course. Just look at sunburns. But so is too little. There has to be a balance, and Manfroy shows what happens when there is too little."

"Do we have an example of too much?"

"Mmm… could argue Arvis. Arvis was all, 'I am of Crusader blood and I must champion the people' and then exploded everyone."

"I suppose I could see that." I sighed, drooping. Mother would scold me for such poor posture, but I couldn't help it. I was so damn tired, and though I could fake my way through it with most, Conall would see through me. He always did. "Wait, Conall, why are you here?"

"I got kidnapped, remember?"

"You know exactly what I meant, jerk."

"I know." Conall laughed softly. It was a quiet, and warm, laugh. "I knew you'd be sitting here in the dark, so I came by to let the light in."

"Ah." I thought of how… apt that was. I was certain, certain, that I wouldn't have made it anywhere near this far if not for him. Reinhardt and Cyas protected me, of course, but Conall was the one who would reach out and drag me up. Always there. Always kind. Always supporting.

He was probably the person I was closest to. Ever since Cyas told me about him, and I sat outside his door forcing conversation, we had been best friends. He was a crucial part of my life, so crucial that even when everything was well, I was terrified of him leaving. I had once told Diadora that losing him would feel like losing an arm or something. Nowadays, I knew it would be the equivalent of something tearing a chunk of my heart out. My heart of hearts. The one that… the one that fell in love with him. As Julius went mad, as Julius fell… even as I struggled for a way to pull Julius out, I had fallen for Conall.

But I still loved Julius. I did. I loved both. And I had… no idea what to do about it, really. There was no one I could talk to about it. Mother? She'd been after me to marry Julius for years, just so that she could be 'the mother of the empress' and have the associated prestige. Father? Much as I respected and loved Mother, Father didn't seem like the best person to ask about romance. Arvis? Similar. And there was definitely no way I could tell my friends. Reinhardt and Cyas both never had a crush in their lives, Ishtore had only ever loved Liza, and Tine… well, Tine might be a good idea, but I didn't want to force her to carry my worries. She had enough to worry about on her own. And I was the older one. I liked pretending I could protect her.

I wished Diadora was still alive. I knew I could've talked to her. She might not have understood, but she would've listened and done her best. I wished Alicia was still alive, because when I was little, no matter what, I knew I could've just run to her and crawl into her lap and she'd hold me in a hug that was always warm, no matter how weak or thin she got. As it was, the only 'advice' I could think of was… well, if things were 'normal', then it would be something like 'think about the two and decide which one you love more'. But I couldn't do that. It was… it was too dangerous. Julius had changed so much. If I said I loved someone else more, he could… he might actually...

"You okay?" Conall asked, sitting beside me now, apparently done with brushing my hair. He brushed a thumb over my cheek, and I realized I was crying. "Hey, it's going to be okay. We'll find a way. Am I not the most stubborn person in all of Jugdral?"

"You really are," I teased, voice wobbling. The tears kept coming, though. "I'm just…"

"I know." He gathered me in his arms and gently rocked me as I cried into his chest. "We'll… we'll figure something out, Ishtar."

"I hope so." And I leaned into him, clinging, desperate for the warmth. Because Conall was always warm. Conall was always kind and warm. With everything slowly drowning in darkness, he'd become my sun, the one bit of light in Belhalla. Standing there at the threshold between the light and the dark, not crossing into the darkness, but reaching out to help anyone who wanted to leave. Reaching out to anchor those in the dark so that they didn't fall too far.

I held onto that 'hand' with everything I had, but I knew the grip would slip eventually. I knew because this was not a war where one could remain 'in between' for long. And I held onto Julius with my other 'hand'. I clung to him, just as I clung to my duties, to my family. All of them so very important to me, even more than my own heart. But I knew my grip would slip. I knew it would become too much to hold onto all of them. I was slowly accepting that I might not be strong enough to pull them out with me. And I hated it. I hated it, because I loved all of them so much.

Let myself fall into the darkness with everyone or let myself be pulled into the light alone… either way, my heart would scream. My heart would shatter. And I didn't know which would hurt more. I didn't know which I would regret more. All I could do was desperately search for a third option, even knowing that there was none here. Manfroy had stolen that away from us. Manfroy had stolen just about everything, so that he could get revenge. His own selfish revenge...

So, I cried. I cried, and Conall held me, singing Isaachian lullabies and running his hand through my hair to soothe me. And I told myself that I'd think about my choices another day, knowing that I was lying. I would run away from that choice until it was right on me. Or until I died, because at least then, things wouldn't hurt so much. But that would be too easy of a way out. I couldn't just abandon my duty like that. Regardless of how much I hurt, I was Ishtar, heir to Thrud, the Goddess of Thunder. I had a reputation to uphold, a duty to fulfill. Even if I was screaming because of everything, from the war to the simple trouble of loving two people at the same time.

Damn Manfroy for this. I hoped his last moments were spent in agony, whenever it came. I really, truly did.

Author's note: 'Update whenever', I said, forgetting how quickly plot bunnies hop about in my head. I'd meant for the second chapter of this to be something completely different, but this wouldn't leave me alone, so here, have Ishtar. While Ishtar shown to be conflicted in game, her Heroes dialogue really highlights said conflict, so I wanted to explore that a bit, and also her thoughts and feelings for both Julius and Conall. (For emphasis, just like in canon, she is in love with Julius. She is simply also in love with Conall, but not in a safe place to actually think about the feelings.)

Ah, but something to note. Because this will supplement Memoirs of the Holy War, there will be things/POVs that I avoid for a while because they involve spoilers for that story that I do want to keep close for a while longer. Chief among these? Lewyn. As a result, Lewyn, and Erinys, will not have a POV in this collection for a LONG while. (Well, Erinys might get one that's sooner, but that's a big maybe, because of the tie to Lewyn.)