XXXV.
357 days after he joins the Organization. I find Roxas.
But first, I find Xion
She sits, on the stairs of the Old Mansion, exactly where I found Naminé, months ago. Strange, how I once saw the blonde witch's face on XIV's body. And now, she has Sora's face, without a doubt. The face casts me very sad, distraught look.
"Hello, Rueki." She says.
"Hey, Xion." I whisper. Somehow, I think this hurts worse than if I had found out she faded yesterday. She doesn't brace herself for a fight and neither do I. I'm not sure why, but there's something in her mind, pushing a soothing feeling toward me. I will not be the one who has to end her, Xion know this and so do I. She knows she must die, and so do I. So I give in to my deepest feelings. "I missed you."
"But not as much as you miss Roxas." She says, though with no hurt in her voice. I stride over to the staircase and sit down beside her.
"Don't do that. You're my friends, I don't want to have to choose between you two." I shake my head.
"But you would, if push came to shove. I understand why Naminé chose you. You're the only one who would act, if push came to shove. Axel tried, yesterday, he really did, but I don't think he had it in him. Don't worry, you're off the hook too. But… I know you, Rueki. You would have done the right thing, I know." She says.
"You know, the longer this goes on, the less I'm sure what is right and what isn't." I confess, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. She smiles softly.
"How long have you seen his face on me?" She asks. I flinch. "It's different, you know, for everyone. Axel sees Naminé, Roxas sees a girl that looks like Kairi, I don't think Saix even sees a face on me at all. But you've seen all of that on me, haven't you?"
"Yes." I nod. "Since I discovered the empathy link, that's when I started seeing Sora's face. Sometimes I see that girl though, the one that looks like Kairi, but with black hair. At first, I thought it was Amaya's face, you looked so much like her. But for the most part, I look at you and I see Sora." And I feel guilt, so much guilt.
"Is that when you knew what you had to do?" She asks.
"Yes." I breathe. She laughs, a small, humorless sound.
"It helps, doesn't it? Not having a heart that gets in the way of things?" And I notice her wording is so particular. Not having a heart that gets in the way of things. Unlike her, I do have a heart, but it is cold, miserable, logical to a fault. It doesn't matter how much I cherish this girl, my feelings would not get in the way if she asked me to kill her now. I fight back tears that want so desperately to spring up. My heart might still beat in my chest, unlike hers, but there is no loyalty inside of it.
"Xion, I'm sorry." I sigh, resting my head in my hands, unable to look at her face, at Sora's face. This poor girl is going to die thinking I hate her, and that is not what I want. "I loved you like a sister. I wanted to see you smile so bad when Riku called you a fraud. I wanted to fight Saix every time he said something cruel to you. I tried so hard to find a way to disconnect your existence from Sora's. Axel and I searched everywhere we could for something that could help, I tried to call on Naminé, I wanted so badly for there to be another way."
"I know." She nods as I bring my head up, resurfacing. "But it doesn't matter. I'm not meant to exist in the first place."
"You know, Axel says the same thing about himself. There's something seriously fucked up about this Organization, Xion. You're all treated like you don't matter, like you're just these empty shells that can't emote in the first place, but you and I know differently than that. Don't you? I've seen you insecure, I've seen Roxas happy, I've seen Saix angry…I've seen Axel love. There's got to be something more." I insist. She shrugs.
"Maybe for them. But not for me. I'm sorry Rueki. But thank you for trying. This is the way things have to be though, we both know that." And we do, she's right, I'm not fool enough to believe otherwise. But still, I reach out and squeeze her hand, gently.
"I'm sorry, Xion." I whisper.
"I know. And I am too. You've all been so kind to me. You, Axel, Roxas. All I have done is bring you pain." She says.
"That is not even a little bit true, and you know it." I remind her. She laughs, hollowly.
"You sound like you really believe that. But whatever the case, the good I've done does not outweigh the trouble I have caused. So, it's time for me to go." She stands up, staring blankly into the distance, blue eyes glazed over. "You have to take care of Roxas for me, while I'm gone, okay? He's going to need you to keep him out of trouble. It won't be easy, but I trust you Rueki. I know you'll do what's right, no matter how hard things get." I don't have time to question her further. She turns around, her face flashes, the girl with short dark hair. She sets a hand to my heart and yanks at my empathy link. It rips the energy straight from my being and I faint, right there on the staircase.
I wake, square in the middle of Twilight Town, unsure of how I got here. I don't recall chasing anyone into town, and yet, I know I did. Fog fills the voids that I cannot make sense of. No matter how I try to reach out and grasp the memories, they evade me, slipping away as my fingertips brush them. I swear, I can recall a girl, with short, choppy black hair and big blue eyes. I recall sitting on the stairs with her, talking, holding back tears. I recall nearly a year's worth of sunsets, and missions, with this girl at my side. But it all falls away, the memories shed from me the way a reptile might shed its skin. In fact, they flutter away from me so quickly, so easily, I am quite convinced that they are nothing but far off dreams. The only thing that looks real, that feels real, is a teenage boy, kneeling on the ground, arms outspread as he clutches a crystalline silhouette. A hand fading, but not the way Zexion faded. No, there is no darkness shrouding this extremity. Instead, it simply disappears into the air, a twinkling cloud of whit smoke.
The smoke disappears and so does the dream.
All that remains is my dearest friend, in my line of sight with tears in his eyes.
'You have to take care of Roxas'. Something is missing. Something enormous.
"Roxas!" I cry out, sprinting toward him, where he kneels on the ground, his hands shaking. "Roxas…" I whisper his name, sliding on my knees until we are only a few inches apart. He looks up, his eyes flicking to mine.
"She's gone." He says to me, his eyes wide. The ocean, right before a hurricane.
"She." I say, though my memories slip away from me, before I can catch them. I reach out to grasp it, but before I can do that, she's gone. She.
I don't see a girl's face anymore, I see Roxas, my best friend, broken and sad on the streets of Twilight Town.
"What happened to us, Rueki?" He asks, and I genuinely don't know. It feels like, anymore, I know so very little. I reach out and touch my friend's face.
"Everything just seemed to go so wrong, so fast." And that's all I know. I can feel the ache in my heart though, and I can feel hurt, agony, utter despair radiating off of him, thanks partially to the empathy link and partially to the fact that he's my friend. He's not the emotionless shell he was 357 days ago. If he had a heart, it would sit right at the sleeve of his cloak, ready for me to reach out and squeeze.
"I can't…It feels like everything is still falling apart." Roxas shakes his head. My thumb brushes across his cheekbone, wiping away a tear.
"Fuck." I say, throwing my arms around his neck. He weeps into my shoulder and I pat his back, making promises I can't keep. "It's going to be okay. This is all going to be okay."
"It will be. When I kill Xemnas." He breathes against my shoulder. I freeze. Something inside of me stirs. A memory that does know how to separate itself and something that is missing. I remember sitting in the meeting room, on the arm of Axel's chair. I remember being told to find Roxas, I remember Axel being given unreasonable orders though I don't remember quite what and that bothers me. I remember fighting Xemnas on it and him painting me as a lunatic, once again. This can't go on. No more hurt, no more pain. Not more death.
Death?
I don't know where that thought came from, and as quickly as it appears, I brush it off.
Axel wouldn't help me take down the Organization and that's fine. I'm not doing this for anyone but him, and if he can't appreciate it, that's alright. He can at least reap the benefits of it. If he hates me at the end of this, that is fine. As long as he's happy in the end. He won't rebel with me, but Roxas will. I squeeze the blond a little tighter.
"Not you." I say. He shifts in my arms and pulls away. His eyes are hard as he looks at me, ready to retaliate, I am sure. "Us." He blinks, utterly shocked. "You wanted to run away from the Organization weeks ago, and we should've. You, me, Axel and…"
"The three of us." Roxas says, sounding confused. I blink away the haze in my mind. Like so many memories from my past, this gets filed away as unimportant. More to be stored in the sealed room.
"The three of us." I agree. "We should've left when we got the chance. But now, there's no time for that anymore. We can run, but we won't get anywhere. Xemnas sent us on a manhunt for you. He's not gonna let Axel and I just leave. The only way the three of us get out of this safely is by getting rid of him." And probably Saix too, and I can't pretend that I will be sad to be rid of him. Axel's old friend or not.
"We have to kill him, we have to and then I have to unlock Kingdom Hearts and get our hearts back." He says.
"For you and Axel." I nod and my heart warms. "Roxas, would you really?" I ask as beautiful thoughts flood my head. Me, Axel, Roxas all of us laughing genuine laughs, having genuine smiles as we eat ice cream at sunset. Me lying beside Axel, no, Lea. My hand on his chest, feeling the beating of his heart beneath my palm. I want this future so bad it physically hurts.
"Of course." He says. "For me, for Axel and…" He looks dazed for a moment, and while I don't know who else he could be talking about, I agree with him. This is the only thing we have left, him and I. The only hope we have to cling to.
"I want you to know, kid. You're my very best friend in the entire world. And I'm sure Axel feels the same. I want you to know, no matter what happens, the three of us will always have each other's backs." And go the distance for one another, time and time again, no matter what the cost.
"I know. You guys too." Roxas nods, wiping away his tears with the back of his gloved hand. "This time, tomorrow. We'll meet right outside the throne room. Surprise them." He suggests. I nod.
"I won't say a word." And I don't. I climb into bed with Axel and I hesitate, sitting stiffly at the edge of the bed.
"Something is missing." I tell him. I prepare for him to brush me off, to tell me that it's all in my head, because I fear that it truly is. Instead, he reaches across our bed and wraps an arm around my middle and rests his cheek against the curve of my waist.
"Fuck." He breathes. "Sweetheart, I've been thinking the same thing all day. Just can't place my finger on it."
"You don't have it memorized?" I ask, with absolutely zero humor. He squeezes my hip, sighing softly.
"I guess not." He holds me tight, almost as though he fears I will disappear. Into sparkling, crystalline smoke.
I don't sleep, instead, I chew my lips through the night, fretting, worrying. Something feels wrong, something feels off. I cannot decide if it is the gaps that I am convinced I have or something in the air. But I wait for my life to fall apart.
I wait and watch the clock, sitting outside the throne room, caution thrown to the wayside. Instead, I keep Survivor strapped to my arm, readying myself for the arrival of my very best friend.
I wait, but Roxas never arrives.
I wait, and wait. I worry.
But nothing brings my dearest friend through the doors of the castle.
My hero is gone.
I wait, outside the throne room, long enough to cause a stir.
"What are you doing here?" Saix asks
"Sitting." I say, flatly. Waiting, watching, hoping.
I wait.
"Your place is not here." Xemnas tells me, perhaps he is half right. My place is here, but only when I have the Nobody of the Keybearer at my side, ready to raise hell.
I wait.
"Rueki, trust your friends, you're not in a right state." Luxord says, helping me to my feet, looking me in the eyes for the first time since I killed the man in Transmute City. But I don't care. I hang limply from his arms. What he says means nothing to me. I do trust my friends, and he is not one of them.
I wait.
"Are you gonna be okay, Rueki?" Demyx asks, with a knit brow. "You don't need to do this…uh…whatever this is." He rubs the back of his neck.
"I know." But the joke is on him, I do need to do this. I need my best friend here, we need to unlock
Kingdom Hearts, get my lover his heart back….
Fill in this missing pieces.
I wait.
Axel finally arrives.
"He's gone, baby. He's gone and Xemnas wants us to get him back." He wraps an arm around my waist.
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
"Riku took him. DiZ has him living in some kind of digital world, his memories are completely gone." Axel sighs, keeping me close, too close. I can't move, I can't breathe. My lungs feel as though they shrunk up. He can't know who I was waiting for, could he? There's no way, this isn't possible, no matter how well he knows me, he cannot read my mind. Roxas cannot be gone.
"What are you saying?" I snap.
"Roxas is gone. He's trapped, waiting to be absorbed by Sora. He can't come back." He whispers. "I'm sorry, Rueki."
"Our Key is gone." Xemnas announces. "This, we already knew."
"Obviously." I grumble. Axel warningly sets a hand on my thigh. But I don't care, he doesn't understand. Not that it's fair for me to expect him to. I haven't said a single word to him about what Roxas and I had conspired to do, he doesn't know quite how broken this has left me.
"What we were unaware of until now, is that the enemy has taken him. A man going by the name DiZ has stolen our Key and means to rid us of him permanently. He has imprisoned Roxas in a data world, without any of his memories. This man's intentions are to bond him back to Sora, so that we as an Organization are never to be whole again." Xemnas says.
"But…isn't that our goal anyway? To get out hearts back? Isn't it a good thing that Roxas is gonna get his?" Demyx asks, and I don't know whether to be thankful or annoyed. As much as I want Roxas safely out of harms way, as much as he deserves a heart…Why is it that he and Sora cannot coexist? I don't want to lose one friend to gain another. Not when I already…
My head throbs as whatever isn't supposed to be there is washed away. An alarming numbness replaces the pain quickly.
"Are you insinuating that you know better than the Superior himself?" Saix hisses. Demyx quite literally whimpers.
"He's not wrong." I bite back, glowering up at Saix. He regards me with pure hatred.
"Are you so intent on making a spectacle of yourself every chance you get." He sneers.
"She's right though! If this guy is going to bind him back to Sora, how are we supposed to get him back?" Axel asks with an upturned palm. Saix's eyes turn deadly cold as he looks to his friend, utterly displeased at even being questioned. I see pain in Axel's eyes. A crippling misery and I know he has come to terms with the fact that our best friend is now out of reach. I still don't know if it has fully set in. Should he become one with Sora? Should I be chasing after him so that we can complete our plan and overthrow the Organization? Should I be doing everything in my power to bring this boy back?
"We've already sent the Dusks on recon, attempting to figure out some way into this data world. It looks like there is a loophole in the system, an ability for us to intercede." Xemnas says. "Fear not, comrades, not all is lost for our Key."
"He's more than just a key." Axel mutters, under his breath, arms crossing defiantly to his chest. I raise an eyebrow. This is the angriest I think I've ever seen him with Xemnas, the most defensive…but no. There was that time he was given unreasonable orders. What were they again? When I lashed out at Xemnas and he made me look like a crazy person. I was just thinking about this the other day with Roxas… Not that it matters, none of this matters.
"Who will be going after the boy?" Xaldin asks, face perfectly neutral. I know the answer to this before my name even leaves his mouth.
"Rueki, of course is the candidate for this task. With her ties to both Sora and Roxas, who better for the job?" Xemnas asks, eyes narrowed as he looks upon me.
"Shocker." I roll my eyes. And damn, I'm so torn. Of course, I want Roxas back so bad. I want the boy I conspired with at my side, I want my dear friend to enjoy ice cream, seated next to me and the man I love most. I want the summer vacation we barely had, back. I just want to be happy with my friends and screw the consequences. But then, I think about more than just me. I think about what Roxas truly deserves, and what Sora deserves. And maybe Roxas doesn't deserve to be absorbed by Sora, but would that really be worse than this road that Axel and I are walking, with the Organizatio?. Would it really be the end of things, his existence merging with Sora's or would it make Roxas whole? In the haziest part of my mind, I recall someone telling me that I would make the right choice, that essentially, I would be the one to do the dirty work to balance the universal scales of justice. I don't recall who for the life of me but…
They were right. Roxas cannot come back. And it has to be my job to keep my mouth shut, to make sure the Organization thinks that despite our best efforts, this is a futile task. But I can't just do this now, tell them 'oh, it will never work'. Not if I want to stay alive. I have to plan, to plot, to conspire in a way that would make Larxene and Marluxia jealous. Xemnas really must believe that I tried to get Roxas back, with all of my might.
"She will infiltrate this digital Twilight Town, and retrieve him. How grand, a chance to prove that your loyalties truly do lie within the Organization." Xemnas says. "How easy it will be for all of us to forget the blemish upon your record that is Castle Oblivion, once our Key is back in our ranks."
"Yeah, how do you suggest I do that? What makes you think he's going to just come along with me? Have we all suddenly forgotten that he left, of his own free will, once already. Why the hell would he come back, even if he did suddenly remember everything?" I ask, cautiously.
"Perhaps you'll find you can be more persuasive when your so called friend's nonexistence is on the line?"
"It doesn't have anything do with that, and you know it. I've done everything you've ever asked me to, let me get him. Leave her out of this!" Axel snaps, suddenly deadly from beside me. But he can't be the one to do this. I know, it really has to be me.
"Oh ho! Temper, temper!" Xigbar throws his head back laughing. Axel narrows his eyes as he regards the older man. "Can't have your girlie forgetting—you don't have a heart in the first place. Stop acting like you do. Or maybe it's you that forgot."
"Stay the fuck out of this!" Axel snaps, slamming his fist against the arm of his throne. I flinch, my eyes wide as I look at him. "This is between me and Xemnas, got it memorized?"
"And yet, it seems you're involving everyone in this entire room. Causing a scene. A shame, you were a far more productive member before she rubbed off on you." Saix says, looking to Axel with such distain.
"I'll go get Roxas." Axel hisses, eyes still on Saix for just a moment. Just a brief second in time, and yet, I can see a new hatred, one I don't recall ever seeing in my lover's eyes. A hatred for a man he once called friend. "I'll bring him back, whatever it takes, okay? Just leave her the hell out of this!" There's so much fire in Axel's tone, a burning determination. Too bad it is all for naught.
"The Superior's orders have always been final. Never up for debate. What is this desperate need, VIII, in behaving like a defiant child, when it comes to some girl we found half dead on the streets of our world, only last year? You were once diligent, a soldier for this Organization, the ultimate executioner of our cause. Has she truly rendered you to nothing more than a lovesick boy?" This is the most I think I've ever heard Xaldin talk. Axel clenches his jaw, his mouth and eyes equally hard as his gaze circles the room. I don't know if he's looking for a sympathetic face or someone willing to test him, but he is met with only stony expressions. And my hand, resting on his shoulder in a way that I hope is reassuring.
"I can't even travel by darkness." I remind the room, my voice steady despite everything.
"Each member of this room is able and willing to open up a portal for you, for such a cause." Xemnas says. Something in his tone makes me hesitate for a moment. Something breathtakingly familiar and yet impossibly distant all at once. My eyes go wide in realization. I realize how very much Xemnas reminds me of Marluxia.
'You've got a poison in your veins that is desperate to get out', Marluxia once told me. And yes, yes I do. Let them send me on this mission. Let the Superior think he's won. Let him push Axel further and further. He will not like the retaliation he is met with. And first things first—sabotage this nonsense with Roxas. No matter how deeply it breaks my heart, he can't be allowed back to Xemnas. Sora must endure. And the Organization, besides the man whose chair I sit on the arm of, the rest? They must fall.
"And what if Roxas doesn't remember, no matter what I do?"
"Perhaps you'll find that using force is quite a necessary tool."Xemnas says. Haha, fuck him. Tell me more about how I need to beat my friend into submission. "And, if your own abilities are not enough…perhaps it is time for VIII to teach you how to summon the Dusks."
I think to laugh in his face and tell him that isn't possible. I think to tell him to go to hell. I think to remind him that he's dealing with someone outside of his normal clan. I think to tell him in a million ways that there is no way that could ever possibly happen.
The look of horror that stuns Axel's face, tells me though, that it is very possible.