XXXVIII.
I stand beside Pence and Olette, both of whom are looking at a platform in the middle of town, with wide eager eyes. There's an excited whisper in the air as patrons express who they hope will win the Struggle Tournament, and bets are placed on the champion. Me? I'm leaning against the side of the building, wondering why people take such intense interest in watching kids beat the shit out of each other with foam bats. I swear, the more I see, the more I think nothing else will shock me—and I always get proved wrong.
Roxas and Hayner, along with Seifer and the witch thing—who I have learned is named Vivi—are the final four left. They stand, crowded around a man who explains to them what the semi final matches will entitle. I don't know how it'll be different than the last couple matches we've watched, but this entire tournament baffles me. Then again, I think about Saix's big dumb face and how much I would love to smack him with a foam bat, and it all starts to make a little more sense.
"They're gonna clean up this year." Pence beams
"As opposed to last year?" I raise an eyebrow. Olette meets me with a sheepish smile.
"Well, Hayner hasn't even made it past the preliminary matches." She confesses. "And this is Roxas' first year entering." Of course it is, because Roxas isn't from this fucking world, I think. But I keep my mouth shut because I'm not an asshole.
"And you don't take that as an opportunity to harass Hayner every chance you get? Man, you guys are sleeping on some really killer snarks." Then again, maybe I am an asshole. Olette wrings her hands, as though she is uncomfortable with the very idea of harassing her friends. I am remind instantly of the girl from Sora's island—Sophie?—the one who I taunted, saying that she probably had to put money into a swear jar every time she said 'crap'. Though, at least Olette is not an insufferable brat. Just an intense mom friend. Probably what Amaya would've been to Del and I if she were a little braver.
"You know, I never thought of that." Pence confesses, and honestly, I like Pence. I like the fact that's he's smart and quiet and that nothing seems to ruffle his feathers. I guess Roxas could do a lot worse than this for friends but…
My stomach twists. It feels as though there is an invisible fist wrapping around it. I chew my lip, my brow comes together as Roxas comes striding around the platform. Hayner takes his place on the other side. Roxas shoots the three of us a nervous look and nods, before taking a fighting stance.
"Roxas looks like someone shit in his cereal this morning." I remark, knowing full well that my friend could kick Hayner's ass, given the chance.
"I wonder if he's upset about yesterday." Olette ponders
"Why would he be upset about yesterday?" I ask, because I mean, it's not like he knows I sent the Twilight Thorn after him.
"Um, well after the two of you…took off to your aunt's…" Olette looks so incredibly uncomfortable, as though she's trying to hold back a giggle. "Not that I'm judging or anything, really, I'm happy that Roxas has found somebody!" I blink at her like an idiot.
"The fuck are you talking about?" I remember instantly that I grabbed Roxas' arm yesterday and Seifer caught us sprinting away from Nobodies, hand in hand. Oh hell, I swear, this small town is worse than The World That Never Was. What gossipy fuckers. "Nothing happened between Roxas and I." I roll my eyes so hard, I think I might swallow them.
"Um…your neck…" Pence mutters. "And shoulders…" I raise an eyebrow as I look down at my shoulders and my eyes blaze. Fucking Axel. Sucked my skin too hard last night, not that I complained and not that I'm complaining now, but the timing is shit. No wonder Seifer was snickering when he caught sight of me with the others this morning. Whatever, might as well give these kids something to talk about.
"My boyfriend stopped over to my aunt's last night." I lie, trying to remember if that was the correct lie. I did tell them I was staying with my aunt the other day, didn't I? I can't keep this shit straight.
"See, I told you, I didn't think her and Roxas were together." Pence insists. Olette pouts.
"Hey, don't fault me for wanting my friend to be happy." Olette puts her hands on her hips. She's damn cute when she wants to be. I cackle.
"Sorry to disappoint."
"No, you didn't." Olette shakes her head. "I guess I just kind of thought he lost track of time when he was with you. We planned to go to the beach yesterday, but Roxas never showed up. We went looking for him, and you were gone, but he was with Seifer. I just assumed he was on the way back from your aunt's and got caught dealing with Seifer's nonsense."
Close, but no cigar. I want to tell her. Instead I say.
"Huh, that's weird." She goes on to chat my ear off, even while Roxas and Hayner beat each other with foam bats. Roxas kicks his friend's ass, no surprise there, but I learn that oh no, there might be some underlying tension because what if Roxas thinks Hayner is mad at him? What if Hayner holds a grudge against Roxas? I don't worry too much, because the too come back over to us, cackling and grinning from ear to ear. My stomach drops. Panic starts to settle in.
That should be me and Roxas, forgiving stupid things, behaving like idiots, smiling like life is grand. Instead, the last words he said to me in our world, were that no one would miss him. I have to physically resist the urge to reach out and touch him.
"So what kinda trouble did you two get into yesterday?" Hayner asks Roxas, though his eyes flick to me. His arm is around my friend's shoulders as they approach the trio Olette, Pence and I have formed.
"Omigod, not this again." I mutter.
"What are you talking about?" Roxas asks. His eyes don't seem quite as harsh on me as everyone else's were. Instead, there is just…
Nothing.
"We just chased down a girl Rueki knows." Roxas said. I pale.
"I don't know her." I say flatly. Roxas narrows his eyes.
"You knew exactly where she went, I saw how she looked at you, how can you say that?" He accuses. I shift, my anxiety tingling my hands in a way that is the opposite of pleasant. My stomach twists.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't remember a girl. I just remember going back to my aunt's to grab my swimsuit and by time I got it, you were gone." I hate my own lie, but this is for the best. If he asks too many questions, things will get too dangerous for him. He's a resilient, defiant little fucker at heart, the only one who has run away from Organization XIII, I know that if I give him an inch of answers, he'll demand a mile. And I can't offer him that. Sora must endure, I remind myself.
"We chased her down to the Old Mansion, how can you say you don't remember?" He balks and I flinch. Not because I am afraid of him, but because I'm just flat fucking afraid. Naminé needs to hurry the hell up in putting Sora's memories together, because I can't take this much longer. That look on Roxas' face, the disbelief in his eyes. It's going to kill me. If I have to keep looking at my best friend, who no longer recognizes me, I don't think I will make it.
"I just don't. Sorry." I say, keeping my face very carefully neutral.
"I hate it when you keep things from me." Roxas grumbles and my blood runs cold. I want to scream. I know he hates it because I'm his best friend and we've been through this once before already. I want to remind him of the promise I made, that every time I lied to him I would tell him a secret to make up for it. I want to remind him just how much he means to me and how much he will continue to mean, but there's only annoyance in his gaze, I know my words will make no difference. My hands shake, but I offer Hayner, Pence and Olette a smile so obnoxious, so brilliant that I think it can cut glass.
"I'm gonna go get some sea salt ice cream for us." I offer. Pence raises an eyebrow, Olette's eyes go wide.
"Oh, Rueki, you don't need to do that." Olette insists, shaking her head.
"No, I insist, my treat." I say.
"Really?" Pence asks. "Thank you." But Olette is too polite.
"We couldn't ask you to do that, we don't have any money to pay you back." She says.
"Come on, Olette!" Hayner whines.
"You don't need to, like I said, my treat." And I don't wait for any more protests. I just need to get away from Roxas' gaze and the memories that come flooding back to me but won't for him.
They never will for him. Tears prickle at the corner of my vision and I take off into a jog. I do mean to get ice cream, really I do, if for nothing else than for nostalgia's sake. But the second I am safely out of eyesight, I start sobbing. My entire body convulses, shivering and spasming. I sink down, against the side of a building, but before I can hit the ground, a pair of warm hands wrap around the top of my arms.
No, not warm. Scalding hot.
My eyes fly open and I suck in a shaky breath as Axel helps me back to my feet.
"Rueki, hey, come on, sweetheart." He draws me to his chest, and for a second I wonder if this is a trick, an illusion created by DiZ as punishment for entering the data world. Then, I inhale and I realize there is no way this is fake. Nothing in the world can mimic his scent.
"What are you doing here?" I choke out, though I'm not ungrateful. In fact, the way he clutches me, too tight and just right all at once is the only thing keeping the tears down. I lean on my toes and wrap my arms around him, burying my face in the crook between his neck and shoulder.
"Xemnas sent me. Apparently you're 'not being met with success and the process must be sped up'." Axel says, in a very poor impersonation of his boss. I snort.
"How many times do you think I have to say 'Roxas doesn't remember me', before he believes me?" I sigh, into his shoulder.
"Oh, I'd say he's got your words memorized. He just doesn't care." Axel rubs my back and kisses my temple. I am so thankful for him. He's here and the panic subsides, he's here and my entire world is centered. I'm unsure of how he does this, but I remember, once upon a time, he worried. Because Roxas was able to get me to take deep breaths and ease me out of my panic and Axel was afraid that he couldn't. That he just didn't have the heart to get on that level, emotionally. But here he is now, soothing me by his mere presence. I know, at this point he can do this in his sleep, but it doesn't make it any less impressive. And it doesn't make me any less grateful.
"I told Saix to send Demyx." I say. "I didn't want you to have to look at Roxas and have him not remember. It's fucking shit, Axel. He just looked me right in the eye and told me he hates when I hide things from him. Do you remember when I had to promise him that every time I lied to him I would tell him a secret? And he didn't even remember…he doesn't.." I pinch my eyes shut, shoving the tears down, as aggressively as I can.
"Yeah I remember, but why did you…?" I know what he's asking but I don't know the answer. Instead, I feel a soothing numbness, almost like an anesthetic wash over my mind. I take a breath, but as soon as the relaxing effect starts, it wears off, leaving me feeling raw and exposed to the emotions coursing through me.
"I don't fucking know, but he just…I can't keep pretending to be his new half friend, half acquaintance." I insist. "It's fucking awful."
"Yeah." And I can tell he's dreading this encounter with our friend. I want to be there for him, I want to shield him for the hurt. But right now, I am the weakest shield he could ever hold up. "I'm pretty sure that's why we both got sent here. Xemnas seems to think that the more we say we care about Roxas, the more likely we will be able to bring him back." He sighs.
"Has he really been without a heart so long that he doesn't remember how giving a shit about people works?" I scoff. To my surprise, Axel shifts, uncomfortably around me.
"I don't think you're too far off on that one, Rueks." He sighs, drawing away from me. His hands linger on the tops of my arms, and that warmth is enough to keep me stable, for now. I raise an eyebrow and look around, cautiously.
"Is he listening?" I ask. Axel shakes his head.
"No, he can't get in here, we're safe." He promises.
"So, what am I not too far off on, then?" I ask. Axel heaves a sigh.
"I think he's losing it, sweetheart. He's not an idiot, he knows DiZ better than anyone, he knows that we're not going to be able to stop Sora from waking up. I get it, wanting to get Roxas back, don't get me wrong." Axel shakes his head. "But it really is impossible. Much as I want it to be, I know we're not getting Roxas back, I'm not an idiot."
"I know you're not…Do you think Xemnas is just being cocky? Like he think's he's already got a leg up on this DiZ guy, because he knows him so well?" I ask. Not that I disagree with him, Xemnas is nuts, but I want to be sure he's as steadfast in this belief as I am. Axel shakes his head. Perhaps I've found the ally I wanted in the first place in my own internal coup. Perhaps Axel is almost fed up enough to take action.
"Nah, I wish it was that easy. Xemnas doesn't seem to think he's better than DiZ, it's just. I dunno, he's acting abrasive, rash. He usually just sits on things, lets them play out until he decides they're worth his time, and until then, Saix can handle them. But everything with Roxas…it's like he's lost himself. Like he's obsessed with the kid." He says, and that's when I realize, he's right. The orders to chase Roxas down might very well be the first direct orders I've heard from him.
"You know, it wouldn't be the first time I thought he was losing it." I nod. "I really do think he's completely forgotten what it's like to be human." And I know that Axel hasn't been without a heart for that much less than him, but I look into his emerald green eyes and only see humanity. Axel clung to the possibility of having a heart, even now, he clings to his identity. Xemnas, I do believe, has become the mad king, in his castle with only the company of his wild guard animal. Axel frowns at me.
"Fuck, Rueks, we've got to figure something out." He sighs.
"I had a solution." I remind him. "Run away."
"Yeah, how well is that working for our friend?" He raises an eyebrow, though there's no venom in his voice. My hands start to shake again. "Sorry." He murmurs. I shake my head.
"Stop being sorry, you're the only thing in my life that isn't literal shit." I remind him. The smile that he meets me with is so warming, I think I might catch fire. He leans in and presses his lips to mine.
"I love you, Rueki." He says.
"I love you too." I breathe.
"Go home." He encourages. "I've got it from here."
"Hayner, Pence and Olette are expecting ice cream." I remind him. He raises an eyebrow.
"Who?" He asks. I roll my eyes.
"Roxas' new besties. It's tragic. We're much cooler." I inform him.
"Obviously." He grins wickedly, and my worries are almost completely forgotten. For now. "But seriously, I've got it."
"This is supposed to be my job…" I protest, though he is the only one I would protest too, and only because I don't want to have him hurt the way I do.
"And now it's mine You've earned it princess. Go home, meet me in bed. We'll do kinky shit." He insists. I roll my eyes.
"Oh man, all that sweet talking is gonna give me a toothache." I deadpan. He grins.
"Honestly, babe, I know this isn't gonna end well today. Let Xemnas put the blame on me today, okay?" He asks. I could protest, I could tell him that I'm trying to protect him, but where would that end us? Nowhere. We're both too stubborn when it comes to one another. Maybe I should just do what he asks. Maybe he's right.
Twilight knows it would be easier and right now, I need easy.
"Open up a portal." I order. He smiles and breathes a sigh of relief, his shoulders rolling back when he realizes I am not going to make this any more difficult for him. He kisses my temple and I depart, thankful when I come into contact with our bed.