XXXIX.
I am fast asleep before Axel even comes to bed that night, the exhaustion of this entire ordeal completely overcoming me. I feel weak, I feel pathetic, I feel like I should be able to handle this. No, I am not the strongest person in the world, things shake me, both physically and mentally, but something I have always prided myself on is my ability to bounce back. It doesn't matter what happens, it doesn't matter how deep a hole I dig myself. It doesn't matter how many times I fall down, I always manage to get up. But the very thought of Roxas' face, a face that doesn't gaze at me with any familiarity, has me shook to my core. But I am completely spent. I don't get a chance to think about how much I suck. I throw myself down onto the mattress and next thing I know, I wake up with Axel in a position I don't like seeing him in.
Granted, my preferred method of waking up is with his rock hard cock, pressing against my ass and his lips at my neck, but anything would be preferable to this. He sits at the foot of the bed, head hung, elbow against one of his knees, while his other hand absentmindedly caresses my calf, which is hanging out beneath the blankets.
"Is it early or late?" I ask him, shifting my weight slightly. His head darts up at my words and that's not a good sign. I don't think I've ever taken him by surprise before. He relaxes after a moment, his lips pursed.
"Couldn't tell you." He shrugs. "Shower?" It's a very lame attempt at a distraction.
"How about we just hang out instead? You know, I got mildly accused of fucking Roxas when his little friends saw us running around together one day and me covered in hickeys the next. So thanks for that." I offer him a cheeky smile but his expression doesn't budge. With that, I climb up and crawl across the bed. He doesn't move, instead, he allows me to curl up behind him, my arms around his middle, cheek pressed against his back, legs on either side of him. "What's eating you?" I ask. He's quiet for a long moment, long enough for me to wonder if he heard me speak. He knew what he was getting into with Roxas not recognizing him. It's not like I didn't and not like I haven't been a complete basket case, but still, it just doesn't seem like the right reaction for him, over something like that. No, he's stronger than that. There has to be more. I chew on my lip, rubbing the warm, taut muscles of his abdomen.
"I have to kill Roxas." His words hit me like a stack of bricks. They crush my chest and I gasp for air, clinging to him even tighter, without necessarily meaning to. I need something to hold onto, someone to center me. But nothing seems to remedy this. This has happened before, being forced to kill a friend, I know it, somewhere, in the fog that has become my memories I know…I know! I can't take this—
And just as quickly as the panic started, it stops, the anesthetic sensation that comes along with the fog immediately sets in. I wonder if it is the only thing keeping me stable at this point. I want to find Naminé and confront her. I want to ask her if this fog is her doing or something else altogether because at this point, I would staple myself to her side if it meant all of the pain in my life was numbed to this extent. My hands shake as they touch Axel, though, despite the numbness. He seems like a corpse beneath my touch and though I feel weak, I hope my touch will bring him comfort.
"No." I say, flatly. "No, you're not, they can't fucking make you."
"Oh, they can. It's either I do my damndest to kill him or I get turned into a dusk. What a damn treat." Axel spits venom, his entire body teetering between two extremes—tense and agitated or slumped in defeat.
"No." I shake my head, still pressed tight against his back. "We'll figure something out, we'll come up with a plan, we're not going to—"
"There is no plan, Rueki." He snaps, tearing away from me. My entire body hardens into something defensive, wound tight, ready to pounce if he fights me. Here I was, trying to help. "There is no running away, there's no out thinking this. And there's no we. This is my mission, I have to kill Roxas, that's it, that's all there is. I'm the one who has to take this, so stay home the next few days and stay out of this." His words echo around us as he begins pacing the room, like a spike of nervous energy is coursing through him.
"How the fuck do you think you can talk to me like that?" I ask, hand balling up against the sheet.
"Easy, sweetheart. I open my mouth, words come out. You want me to always tell you the truth, well here it is, ugly as ever." He shakes his head.
"Not that you fucking prick. I'm your damn partner!" I snap, slamming a curled fist into the mattress. "You think you're the only person this is going to hurt? Open your fucking eyes! You don't think I give a shit about both of you, that I don't love the two of you more than anyone else in this world? He's my best friend and you…." Are my damn soulmate. "Are everything to me. So if you think I'm going to just sit by and watch you destroy yourself as you destroy our best friend, then the joke is on you. I'm not that useless and I'm sure as hell not that content to sit back and watch while our entire universe goes up in flames."
"We don't have a choice, Rueki. How much clearer do I spell it out for you?" He asks. He's being a fucking prick, but I don't let that deter me.
"You know, you're a real fucking cunt when you're in a tough situation, but the joke's on you if you think that'll push me away. I promise I can be infinitely nastier than you. So, stop fucking testing me, we both know I will pass and with flying colors. You can't get the fuck rid of me, I love you. I'm not going to let you do something that's going to take away everything you are. You don't want me to find out this magical dark secret about my past, whatever, cool. If you really think that a few words will strip me of my entire identity and you love me too much to lose me, I can work with that, hell I have been working with it. But you can't expect me to not return the favor. If you kill Roxas, you're going to crumble, beyond what I'm able to hold up. I'm not losing you to some petty bullshit order from a man that is losing his mind. We will figure something out, Axel. We will get through this, okay? We schemed our way through fucking Castle Oblivion, we will scheme our way through this. You are the single craftiest person I know, and lucky for you, I've gotten hella good at improvising. So, go ahead, pretend you're gonna kill Roxas. Fake it good, but we're not killing him. Neither of us. Do you have that fucking memorized?" I ask, and I can literally feel my words reverberating off of him. He absorbs them, like osmosis and I hope the passion I conveyed invigorates him. I hope I light a fire beneath him that he so clearly and desperately needs. Instead, he stands there, taking it all in, hands limp at his sides. Finally, he shakes his head.
"You're something else, Rueks, you know that?" He asks. I narrow my eyes.
"I'm the light of your fucking life. Choose your words carefully, Dancing Flames." I warn, razor blades in my voice. But he has no fear, he closes the distance between the two of us and sinks down to his knees, setting his hands on top of my thighs. His eyes flick up to mine.
"There's no getting out of this, Rueki. There's no faking it. I get turned into a Dusk if Roxas doesn't die. Don't you get it? The three of us don't get another sunset. It's you and me, or it's just you. Roxas will get absorbed by Sora, and I'll be a Dusk, slinking around in the darkness, waiting for you to use me as a pawn in battle." He offers me the saddest, most broken smile I think anyone, anywhere could muster up. "I'm choosing us. No matter how hard it is." I slap him. The feeling of my palm against his cheek stings, sending shockwaves from the impact up my arm. My eyes are slits as I look at him.
"You are not that fucking weak. The man I fell in love with is smarter than anyone else I know and infinitely more clever. The man I love doesn't give up and give in when shit hits the fan, he doesn't accept two shitty paths, he makes a third one, all his own. Don't you dare take that man away from me." I spit. He blinks at me and the finally sighs and looks down. Slowly, with great effort, he stands and draws his hands into his pockets.
"Well, guess this is all I have left in me. Sorry it's not enough, princess." He teleports away before I can even protest. Fucking dammit.
"Absolute asshole, I swear to nothing." I shake my head, the anger I feel radiating off of me on a nuclear level. Guess that's what I get for being shit at pep talks, but damn if can't be an absolute child. I know him, I know he'll come back with his tail between his legs, trying to figure things out with me, if he doesn't do something rash, like the idiot he has a tendency to be. I run a hand back through my hair. Damn. Dammit all. Fuck. I stand up and kick the wall closest to the bed, hard enough for the tip of my boot to leave a dent. "These fucking boys are going to be the death of me." I whisper. Whatever though. This is nothing I can't come back from. No matter how hard the world knocks me down, I will climb the fuck back up and spit in its face
It doesn't matter that Roxas doesn't have his memories and is fighting every step of the way. It doesn't matter that Axel is resigned to kill him. I'm not resigned to any of that. I will put Roxas back inside Sora with my own bare hands if I have to. I will come up with a lie to convince Xemnas not to turn Axel into a Dusk. I will keep the two that I love most safe, no matter what the cost.
"Where'd you go yesterday?" Hayner asks me, the second I pop into the Usual Spot. I raise an eyebrow and offer a cheeky grin that is a stark contrast to the absolute shit I feel like inside. Lie for longer, Rueki. No matter how it seems the world is falling apart, it will only be a short period of time until this all comes to a head. Until then, I've got to keep it together.
"Are you pissy cuz you didn't get ice cream?" I raise an eyebrow.
"We got ice cream after the Struggle Tournament, we were just worried about you." Olette confesses, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. The girl is certainly growing on me, that's for sure. I guess mom friends like her and Amaya have a tendency to do that, because I'm thinking about how nice it would be to see my longtime friend.
"Yeah, you weren't even there to see Roxas' epic victory! He took down Setzer, no problem. He won the struggle trophy!" Pence beams. This doesn't surprise me at all. I've seen Roxas take down hoards of Heartless, one grown ass man who takes weird joy in beating kids with foam bats doesn't hold a candle to the monsters he's encountered.
"Kick ass, kid." I offer him a thumbs up. Roxas' eyes flick up to me and then away, his expression unreadable but I think, beneath it all, I might see guilt. Over what, I wonder?
"Thanks." He mumbles.
"So where'd ya go?" Hayner asks.
"I got a call from my aunt, she wanted me to come home, said it was urgent. She was having some issues with the electrical stuff in her place." I lie quickly, mildly impressed by myself.
"And you know how to fix that?" Pence raises an eyebrow.
"Theoretically." I laugh. Trade 'electrical stuff' for 'repairing Gummi Ship's' and it's not a complete lie.
"Your poor aunt." Olette giggles.
"Hey, I'll go rewire the whole house if it means getting out of homework." Hayner grins. Roxas rolls his eyes.
"No way could you rewire a house. You barely passed Algebra." Roxas teases.
"Hey!" Hayner whines in protest. Olette giggles.
"You know, speaking of school…" She begins.
"Not this again." Hayner whines.
"Olette's right, we really should've gotten started on homework at the start of vacation." Pence concedes, but Hayner isn't having any of it.
"Independent studies are the worst though? What am I supposed to write about? Like just give me a freaking topic here!" Hayner whines. I'm not sure what the fuck an independent study is, and I sure as hell have no desire to be here to help with homework, but now that I'm here, after yesterday, I can't just disappear again. Besides, if I follow Roxas around long enough, maybe I'll come up with some sort of idea that can return him to Sora and save Axel all in one.
"Last year, when we had an assigned topic, you got mad because you said they were, and, I quote 'inhibiting creativity with this kind of bullshit'." Pence reminds Hayner, an eyebrow raised. I snort.
"Kid, I'm gonna give you this piece of advice right now. Stop being you. Cuz you grow up to be me, and that is not something you wanna do." I grin at Hayner, shaking my head.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He snaps, shoulders tensing defensively. Olette seems to take this as an appropriate time to step in, and she's not wrong. I remember me at fifteen, I would have definitely tired to kick my nineteen year old self's ass over a comment of that variety.
"We haven't decided what we're going to write about for Independent Study yet!" Olette chirps, clapping her hands together, effectively catching everyone's attention.
"Maybe we could study the stuff that's happening to me?" Roxas now pipes up, an eyebrow lifted, a very unsure light about his features. "You know, the dreams, the guys in white…" He begins. I literally choke. Roxas' eyes go wide as he looks at me. I smack my chest with the side of my fist and when I finally catch my breath, I offer a muffled apology.
"You know, things have been weird with you and the town since the photos were stolen, right?" Hayner asks Roxas, who nods, nervously, and I can see that he is connecting the pieces. There's one more that he needs to place for it all to make sense, though, I can see it as he looks into my eyes. I am the missing piece.
"Well tomorrow we're all gonna search the town and find out what's been going on." Pence says. Crunch time. This is how I know Sora is incredibly close to waking up. If this DiZ character really is so intent on merging Roxas with Sora, there is no way he's going to let something like this happen, in his very own data world. This town, Roxas might be the star of it, but he is not the creator, he will never have the kind of pull DiZ does. This town will reject him, just as it has rejected me. This is the endgame.
"Lots of people are helping out." Olette smiles. Yeah fucking right. I look to Roxas whose entire being has lit up. Maybe this lie is for the best. Maybe, Roxas won't fight so hard, maybe, Roxas won't push every single button in this data town, in desperate need of answers if he believes he will wake up to them tomorrow. Maybe this means Roxas will not wake up at all tomorrow. My stomach drops. This is too much.
"All that for me?" He asks, and shakes his head in disbelief.
"Sounds like that calls for a celebration." I offer.
"I'll go get some ice cream." Roxas says, and then his eyes dart to me. There is a long, tense moment, where I think he remembers me. Where I think he might say something about racing me to the clock tower, that we should enjoy one last sunset together. But instead, he just says "Rueki, will you help me carry all of it?" I guess it's the best invitation I'm going to get.
"Sure thing, kid." And I follow him out of the Usual Spot, toward Market Street. We walk slowly, silently, me trying to figure out a way to fake Roxas' death, while still waking Sora up, in order to fool Organization XIII, him battling with some sort of unseen demons. Finally, just before we approach the shops, Roxas speaks.
"Who's Kairi?" I stop dead in my tracks. Dammit.
"Who?" I play dumb.
"You're a really bad liar, Rueki. I know you know who she is, and I know you saw Naminé the other day." He insists.
"Kid, can we not?" I sigh. One day, Rueki, lie for one more day and you're free.
"You knew that guy I ran into the other day too, didn't you?" He asks.
"I literally have no idea what you're talking about." There are a lot of guys he could meet, but although Axel and I have exchanged few words, I'm certain he didn't come to Twilight Town to just observe Roxas.
"And the guys in white." He says.
"Can't you just trust me?" I ask. Fuck I sound like Axel.
"All of this stuff started happening when you got here." He reminds me. I bark out a laugh, I just can't help it. Really? This world didn't exist until the day before I got here. This mess of data that he thinks is his home.
"Yeah, really? Tell me more, kiddo." I cackle, going a little closer to the ice cream shop. Roxas catches my hand in his. I bite back a smirk. "Better not do that, everyone in town thinks we're fucking." Roxas' eyes widen and he goes red from head to toe. Tearing his hand away, his eyes suddenly flick down to the pavement.
"I just wish you'd be straight with me." Roxas sighs. "Rueki, I've had dreams about you. And a girl named Amaya and a boy named Del, you were repairing a ship and—" I grab Roxas' arms in a desperate attempt to shock him into silence, my heart climbing into my throat.
"Stop." I snap.
"It was real then?" He asks. "You fought alongside someone else that used a Keyblade?"
"Roxas, please." I breathe, tearing my gaze away.
"Why can't you just answer one question?" He asks.
"Because this is breaking my heart." I retort. Silence settles over us. A gentle, summer breeze licks at our skin. I watch his golden hair move in the wind.
"I don't feel like I know what's going on at all anymore." Roxas confesses. "I used to think that I understood myself and my home. But then you get here, and everything started falling apart. Now, I just don't know anything anymore. I just want to figure it out, Rueki. I thought we were friends."
I break.
"We were best friends." I curse under my breath and shake my head. I try to catch a glimpse of the empathy link, to see if this is hurting Sora's progress, but I feel nothing, I see nothing. I am being led blindly.
"What?" He raises an eyebrow. "We only met a few days ago, what do you mean we—" I walk right away from him and go buy four bars of ice cream.
"My treat." I say, when Roxas inevitably follows me. I offer him a brief smile before leaving him in the dust, heading toward the Old Mansion, leaving the ice cream to him. I don't know if Naminé is there, but if she is, I need answers, I need something. I walk through the gates. Roxas doesn't follow me, an honest to goodness blessing. The witch seems to be waiting for me, because I see her sitting on the staircase the second I open the door to the mansion. "I think I fucked up." I tell her. She offers me a weak smile.
"I knew you'd come here." She says.
"That doesn't surprise me at all." I tell her. I walk over and take a seat beside her on the staircase. She scoots over, ever so slightly to make room for me. Which is a sweet gesture. "I told Roxas that we were best friends. I fucked up, didn't I?"
"It isn't ideal." She agrees. "But Sora's progress cannot be stopped now. The amount of progress I've made in the past few days has sealed the deal, so to speak. He's safe. All he has to do is make it through the next two days alive. And then, he can merge with Sora, they can become whole." There's a bittersweet note in her voice.
"I'm going to miss him so much." I whisper.
"Yes." She nods. "I wish I would've met him sooner."
"He's my best friend." I say. "I don't know what my life is supposed to be like without him."
"You're worried about Axel too." She says, for a moment, I forgot that she's borderline omniscient. I chomp my lower lip.
"He's fucked either way. He kills Roxas, and the Axel I know is gone forever. It will destroy him, heart or not. He doesn't, and he gets turned into a Dusk. There's got to be something, because if not, I'm going to lose them both and I can't…" The absolute agony that overwhelms me turns my insides to lead. It feels as though someone is pulling my organs out through my belly button. I double over, resting my elbows on my knees. I hide my face in my hands as my throat tightens, choking down a sob. "I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm sorry." I shake my head.
"No, I'm sorry. If it weren't for my actions in Castle Oblivion, you wouldn't be here right now." She says. This time, I don't argue with her. She is worlds less important to me than these two guys that I love with all of my heart. And maybe Axel's right, maybe if she hadn't made the choice to manipulate Sora's memories, they'd both be safe. In this moment, I hate her at least a little bit. I dig my fingernails into the flesh of my palms, trying to slap myself back into reality. This isn't fair. This isn't on her. These are my feelings.
"I can't lose them. I can't lose him." But I don't mean Roxas, the one she wants to keep safe. I would kill Roxas myself if it meant I could freeze Axel as he is, sardonic, brilliant, perfect. I would suffer a thousand lifetimes, a thousand deaths if it meant he would come out unscathed. Maybe that's idiotic or maybe that's love. I still think I'm too young, too naïve to know. But how desperately, do I wish we lived lives where we didn't have to keep trying to sacrifice ourselves for one another?
"The worlds need Sora." Naminé reminds me.
"The world has needed him this past year." I say, in a voice like ice. "And I need Axel. That matters more to me than anything else."
"Rueki, you understand, don't you? You can't…Roxas has to make it." She insists.
"I do understand. Point is, I don't give a shit. I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep Axel alive." I sit up, pushing myself off of the stairs. This is where our civility ends. It doesn't bother me nearly as much as I want it to.
"It isn't too late for you two to run, Rueki." She reaches out, her delicate, so soft fingertips brushing mine. "You two have talked about it once before. Maybe this time, you two can find your happy ending."
"You don't believe that." I say. She doesn't disagree with me.
I leave her and the mansion behind in my dust. I don't know how long or far I wander, through underground tunnels, trying to find something that makes sense, trying to come up with any solution that doesn't involve me killing Roxas in Axel's stead. But nothing comes to mind. No beautiful pieces line up, out of nothing.
No one is saved.
I wander out and mellow orange light breaks through my darkness. Warm, soft, inviting.
I am not fool enough to believe Roxas is intentionally waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. I guess I still believe in coincidences. Otherwise, this is a really cruel slap in the face from fate.
"You've been crying." He says, his brow knitting together, his hands in his pockets as he regards me.
"Correction. I've been trying not to cry." I reply, a snooty deadpan that ends in me tossing my hair over my shoulder.
"Is that my fault?" He asks.
"Doesn't matter." I say.
"You said that we were best friends." Roxas reminds me, as though I need it.
"I made a mistake. Sorry." I mutter.
"Would you please talk to me?" He asks. But before I can even open my mouth, Pence strides up, hands clutching his camera.
"Oh, hey, Rueki!" Pence nods. "Sorry if you're here to help us look for the Seven Wonders, turns out all of the ones we've investigated have been total duds." I raise an eyebrow, looking to Roxas. He shakes his head, clearly, this is utterly unimportant.
"Just homework stuff." Roxas explains.
"Ahh." Is my response, which of course contributes so much to the conversation.
"Hey, is your aunt's electrical stuff fixed?" Pence raises an eyebrow. "Roxas said you had to ditch us to go help her." At least Roxas has my back, that's nice. Even if I might need to stab him in his.
"Yeah." I wave my hand. "The homework done then?"
"Mostly. We're investigating the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town." Pence says, with a little bit of mysterious flare in his voice. It seems cheap and hokey, all things considered. I'm hardly in the mood. "Seven mysterious occurrences. We've checked out five, but all of them have turned out to be flops."
"That's rough, guys." I nod, in a weak effort to pretend I give a fuck. I look at Roxas in front of me. I look at how our lives are falling apart. I think of how he will need to be murdered tomorrow, either at my hand, or at my lover's. He looks at me with a thousand questions burning in his eyes, all of which I would tell him the answer to if it could rewind time to happier moments. Roxas, my best friend. And not just him, but Sora too, will be lost. They are the price I will need to pay to keep Axel sane. I guess I get it, where he was coming from. I guess choosing each other over everything else is kind of our motif.
"Hey, we're gonna go up to Sunset Hill to see if we can spot the ghost train. You should come with us, it could be cool." Pence offers. I should say no. I should go back home, or I should do one worse, lure Roxas away with the promise of answers to all of his burning questions, and wrap my hands around his throat the second he lets his guard down. But I look at that boy, and I think of sunsets, and my answer leaves my mouth before I have any more time to second guess myself.
"Yeah, I'd love to go." I nod. Pence leads the way and Roxas lags behind, his eyes hard as he looks at me. "After this, we can talk." I offer. He raises an eyebrow.
"Really?" He asks.
"Yeah." I give up. "You're not going to believe it, but we can talk." What is it really going to hurt now? Maybe it'll make things easier for me. Maybe it will be cathartic to mend him before I destroy him.
We get to the hill, where Hayner and Olette are already waiting, and were I in a better mood, I might think to tease them about running off together, for all the hell I've gotten with Roxas these past few days. I guess when you're young like this though, it's hard to know the difference between platonic and romantic love.
"If the rumors are true, it'll be here any minute." Pence tells us. "For they say, the train is empty. No driver, no conductor, no passengers. No Return." It's so hokey, I could gag. Roxas wants to know about the weird and mysterious things happening to him, well fine, but this is a shit place to start. This isn't some children's ghost story.
It seems we wait an eternity before we all sprawl out across the ground, lying, sitting, trying to get comfortable as we wait for something that probably won't show up in the first place.
"We've got to make it to the beach next year." Olette says, her green eyes flickering out to the setting sun.
"Yeah." Hayner nods. "We better get jobs the second vacation starts."
"What about you, Rueki. Will you be coming back next summer?" Pence asks. I shrug, forgetting for a second that I told them I was here visiting my aunt. Perhaps the only good thing about this all being done is I won't have to keep track of any more lies.
"What are you thinking about?" Roxas asks me. But now is not the time nor the place to answer that question, so I shrug, refusing to meet his gaze.
"Just that sitting here reminds me of my home. I used to watch the sunset, one that looked just as beautiful as this one, with two people I loved very much." I chew my lip, and in that moment, all I want is for him to remember me. For Roxas, the Roxas I knew, to take my hand and tell me that the friends we love shouldn't ever make us weak. It won't help my resolve, I know, but I need it, that beautiful closeness with my friend. The magic that used to exist when it felt like it was him, me and Axel, ready to take on everything.
"That sounds sweet." Olette smiles.
"What happened?" Pence asks, then flushes. "I mean, not that you need to tell us if you don't want to. I mean we only met you a few days ago, but it already feels like we've known you forever."
"It does, it's nice having you here with us, Rueki. I couldn't imagine it any other way." Olette nods.
"Oh come on, aren't you laughing it on a little thick?" Hayner laughs. I kick his leg. "Ouch! You know, you're an asshole."
"Takes one to know one." But I grin at him. Roxas' eyes pierce me.
"So, what happened?" Roxas presses, his eyes hungry for the truth. Somehow, some way, I think he knows this story is about him.
"One of the guys is my boyfriend, he's waiting for me back home." I say.
"Your boyfriend?" Hayner raises an eyebrow. "I thought you and Roxas were—ouch!" Olette swats him, and damn, I'm definitely gonna miss her.
"It's cool that he came to visit you the other day." Olette says, pointedly, eyes narrowed as she looks at Hayner. "You must miss him, being away all summer." And she's right, especially now, I miss him desperately. I guess I don't need to be beside Roxas, I don't need to be making memories with these data files of people, I need to have my arms around Axel and promise him the world. I want so badly for things to be easy. I fantasize of the day we spent on Destiny Islands, laughing at dumb jokes, pretending to drown each other, baking in the sun.
"I really do. Not that I'd ever tell him that. He's already got a huge ego on him." I bite the inside of my cheek to hold back a grin.
"What's he like?" Pence asks.
"The sappy answer is that he's the smartest, funniest, most amazing person I've ever met. If he were here though, I'd say he's a real asshole." I laugh. "Literally like the most annoying person I know."
"That's um…" Pence looks to Olette, who just shrugs.
"Oh come on, he couldn't be half as annoying as you." Hayner says, and I kick him again. "You're the worst."
"That, I won't fight you on." I laugh.
"What about the other person?" Roxas asks. My stomach drops. Fucking kid. Fine, he wants to hear this story? He can hear it.
"He ran away from home. He was my best friend in the entire world, mine and my boyfriend's. We used to get ice cream and watch the sunset together every night." And those were the happiest days of my life. I look to Roxas' eyes for any sign of remembrance, but am unsurprised when I am not met with any familiarity.
And like flipping a switch, the sentiment ends and the bullshit begins.
"Good afternoon, slackers." Seifer strides up, and I swear, I feel my muscles coil, dangerously, like a leopard ready to spring. This kid is going to hit my nerves like a cheese grater.
"Fuck off, crop top." I say flatly to him. Hayner cackles.
"What are you doing out here?" Seifer rolls his eyes at me.
"What do you care?" Hayner asks.
"I don't. Tell me anyway." Seifer insists, walking a little closer.
"Your candor would be a lot more charming if you weren't so annoying." I tell him, batting my eyes. He raises an eyebrow.
"We're waiting for the ghost train." Pence says.
"Waiting for the ghost train." Seifer scoffs. Roxas stands up, shoulders squared in annoyance. I can't help but think he got the attitude from me, but I am so proud of what this kid has become. Whether it is Seifer or Saix, he has no issue standing up for himself. At least I can say he became something amazing before I have to…
"Why does looking at you always tick me off?" Seifer asks him.
"I dunno, maybe it's destiny." Roxas offers.
"Destiny. In that case, let's be friends. I don't feel like cooperating with destiny." Seifer scoffs.
"When have you ever cooperated with anything?" Hayner asks him. Hell, maybe I should give Seifer the benefit of the doubt. Because like hey, me too. But just when I think I should be nicer to the kid, he makes a wannabee tough guy gesture, bumping his fist to his chest before he goes to head out.
"Seifer…" Olette looks up.
"I know, tomorrow." Seifer waves his hand and disappears. Instantly, Roxas jumps, toward the guard rail at the edge of the hill, something having caught his eye. I raise an eyebrow.
"Look!" He says. We do, each of us scrambling up to meet Roxas at the guard rail. I see a blue and gold train, and clearly so does he, and, true to the legend, there is nothing and no one in it. I'll be damned. "It's really true. And there's no one aboard! What's the catch, there's gotta be a catch, right?" And I can see the catch in their eyes. Hayner, Pence and Olette look at each other, apprehension in their eyes. Roxas and I might see the train, but these three can't. Which makes me wonder, have they seen any of the anomalies in town? "Then, it's real? Let's go to the station!" Roxas takes off in a full blown sprint, I can sense his friends' worry. Not that he's losing his mind, no. There is a deep love there between the four of them, they aren't worried he is crazy, that doesn't matter. They are worried that this will make it difficult for them to connect. They might just be too good for this world.
We take off after Roxas, just in the nick of time. The blue train is parked at the station, the train that doesn't exist. Roxas looks at it with wide eyes, the way he did at the poppies in Oz.
"Let's go in." He says, taking a step forward. I'm glad Hayner is on his game, because since I can see the blue train, I don't see the regular train coming. Hayner, however, does, and wraps his hand around Roxas' arm. "What?" Roxas asks.
"Um…you'll get hurt." Hayner says.
"Huh?" Roxas asks. A voice at the station announces 'the train will be arriving shortly'. I watch the blue train dissolve in the air. The brown train that goes any and everywhere in Twilight Town pulls into the station, right where Roxas would've stood a minute ago. He blinks as the train whips past, blowing his hair in the wind. A few passengers get off.
"C'mon." Hayner sighs, boarding the train.
"A train came from the beach. There was no driver, right?" Roxas asks, his eyes wide and pleading. These data friends might not look down on him for losing his mind, but he certainly fears they will.
"Let's go." Pence sighs, following Hayner.
"Right?" Roxas asks. Olette shakes her head and follows him. Roxas' eyes dart to me.
"Yeah." I whisper. "I saw it too." I offer him my outstretched hand. "C'mon, I'll walk you home. We can talk about things." He doesn't take my hand and maybe that is for the best.
The train ride seems to take an eternity. We sit, in stony silence, Hayner agitated at nothing in particular, which I certainly understand. Olette wrings her hands, which I also understand. Pence just seems at a loss, and fuck, I get it. Roxas stares at me, his gaze trying so hard to penetrate. I stare back, trying to come to terms with what my future holds. We disembark from the train, and our footsteps echo, hollowly inside of the station.
"Let's go home and work on the paper." Hanyer grumbles, shoulders tense, fists clenched.
"The rumors were bogus. The end." Pence rolls his eyes in defeat.
"We can still make it sound good if we write about all the work we did." Olette tries.
"But what about the last one? The seventh wonder?" Roxas presses, and dammit if this kid's curiosity isn't dangerous. No wonder his idiot ass ended up in all of this trouble.
"Who cares?" Hayner throws his hands up.
"I do! Come on, Pence…Rueki…" Roxas looks between me and the dark haired boy. Pence is infinitely more anxious. I shrug. Olette and Hayner exchange glances before heading off down the street.
"It's at the haunted mansion." Pence sighs. "We were gonna check it out tomorrow. It is the most suspicious place. Even Seifer's gang was gonna help. Hayner asked him to."
"What are we looking for?" Roxas asks.
"There's a girl, supposedly. She appears on the second floor window, even though no one has lived there for years." Pence says, and I'm certain I know who this mystery girl is going to be. Pence looks from me, to Roxas, to me and then Roxas again. "You guys go ahead and go. I'm gonna go help Hayner and Olette write the paper." He sighs, exhausted at Roxas' determination, like this is the single most difficult thing that anyone, anywhere has ever handled. And here I was, coming to terms with my own naivete. He walks off, leaving Roxas and I alone at the train station.
"Are you going to come with me or are you gonna disappear again?" Roxas asks me. My eyes dart away from his, to gaze at the sun. Vibrantly orange and setting. No, not orange. Red. Red light travels the fastest. I want to reach out and grasp it, hold onto that moment, hold onto my friend, right here and now.
"Don't give me an attitude, kid, it isn't cute." I tell him, but I start leading the way to the mansion.
"What do you know about what's been happening, Rueki?" He pries.
"I know that you're not losing your mind. The girl, Naminé, she's a real pain in my ass. We were friends. Some people I know took her hostage, and I tried to convince her to grow a set and get away from them. You're having dreams about the Keyblade, aren't you?" I ask. Roxas' eyes widen.
"How did you-?"
"That's a whole different story, the point is, those aren't your memories. I'm sure you've figured that out. They belong to someone named Sora, another friend of mine, a hero. Naminé messed with his memories while she was held captive and now, they're all out of whack. She's putting them back together again, they're almost done, but those people I know, that had Naminé hostage? They don't want Sora to wake up. And they're pissed at you." I explain.
"But why? What did I do?" He asks. I sigh.
"Weren't you listening to my story earlier? You ran away." I say flatly. Everything seems to sink in, a weight collapsing onto Roxas' shoulder.
"That doesn't make sense, I've never run away, I've lived here my whole life." He says.
"No you haven't." I counter. "Other than the past five days, what memories do you have?"
"Tons of them!" He insists, with an expression of anger that is so very Sora, I laugh, in spite of everything. "I remember Seifer acting like a jerk, I remember hanging out with my friends."
"But what about specifics? Do you remember the words you said, do you remember faces they made?" I ask. He blinks at me, brow creasing.
"Well, no, but—"
"I told you, none of this is going to make sense and you're not going to believe me anyway. So just…I don't know what you expect from this." I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, listening to the sound of our footfalls against the brick road.
"You said we were best friends." He tells me. I nod
"This past year, I started having really nasty nightmares, really bad anxiety. I did some terrible shit, and it really messed me up. I thought I was doing the right thing but…Anyhow. You were there for me, even though it wasn't easy. You didn't know how to help me, but you tried. You stayed the night, talking to me so I didn't have to sleep. You tried to fight someone nearly a decade older than you, to defend me. We ate ice cream together, made plans to go to the beach. I couldn't imagine my life without you, and then, you ran away and now…" I choke on tears that want to spring up, shaking my head, trying to shake the feelings off in turn.
"I don't remember any of that though. If it were real, if that was me, don't you think I'd remember?" He asks me. I shrug.
"I don't know how your memories got altered, but Roxas, why would I be saying any of this if it weren't true?" I ask. He seems to mull over my words, distraught and disoriented, for a moment.
"A lot of strange things have happened this week." He says.
"You once told me and Axel that you wouldn't know what to do with a whole month off. That a week was all you could handle. Guess you couldn't even do that." I offer an awkward smile. His eyes widen.
"Axel." He says the name as though it is a strange word in a foreign tongue, as though it doesn't belong in his mouth. But I want to bask in the glow, wrap myself in the warmth that just saying that name brings me. "He's your boyfriend."
"He's my everything." I correct. "But you don't remember that, you're just guessing."
"How do you know?" He asks. I shrug.
"Well, for one, you're my best friend. I know that look. And for another thing, I can kind of read your mind." I say. If his eyes could get even wider, they do.
"What?" He chokes.
"It's called an empathy link. Naminé connected my mind to Sora's, I can feel him, his memories, his emotions." I explain.
"What does that have to do with me?" He asks.
"Haven't you figured it out already, kid? I know you, you're not that dumb." I smile, pathetically at him and disappear through the hole that leads to the woods.
"Just spell it out for me, Rueki." He says.
"I don't know that I can." How does one look their best friend in the eye and tell him he wasn't ever meant to exist? Certainly, that is beyond what I am capable of. His death is beyond what I am capable of, my hands shake. This would be the perfect place to do it. In the cover of the darkness, where none of the data people are likely to appear. I can summon Dusks, weaken him, get one of the Dusks to grab Survivor from the Castle That Never Was. I think about Zexion and how it almost killed me, but in the end, I tired him out. In the end, even he faded into the darkness. I am not the strongest person, certainly not stronger than Roxas, but he'd only be fighting for his life, the same thing Zexion fought for. Me? How do I always end up back here, fighting for something so much more precious to me?
Axel.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Roxas asks. I bring my fingers together to snap them as we walk a little further into the woods. But suddenly, a breeze ruffles my hair and memories capture me.
"You're my prince charming, you're going to fly me away to other worlds, of course!" A young girl says to a boy that looks impossibly like Roxas, but isn't. Somehow, I know he isn't Roxas, because this girl is me. Me, a decade ago, with two boys, unmistakably, a younger Axel and Saix, standing beside her.
"And why would anyone want to be your prince charming?" Young Axel…no, Lea, asks.
"Come on, Lea." Young Saix heaves a sigh. The Roxas look alike smiles at the little girl. At me.
"I don't think you need a prince charming. I think you'll always find a way to save the day by yourself." He smiles.
Reality hits me, and I swear, the weight of it could crush me. It feels as though the world has been shaken. I look around, and see nothing out of the ordinary. There's Roxas. There's the trees. There's the mansion in the distance, and I realize, in this moment, that I cannot do this. I am too weak.
I have failed.
I am so sorry, Axel.
My hands tremble as we get to the mansion, and of course, Naminé does stand in the window, peering out at us.
"You see her, don't you?" I ask. Roxas nods.
"Yeah." He says.
"You should go talk to her. She's probably better at explaining this kind of stuff than I am. She knows more than me." I try.
"Really?" He asks. I shrug.
"Kid, I know you think I'm all knowing, but really, I'm just a dumb girl who keeps getting into dumb situations. I'm trapped in the garbage storm, waiting for it all to stop." I sigh. He stares at me, eyes stony and unsure as he regards me.
"I really wish I could remember, Rueki. If it was all so great, us being friends, I wish I remembered." He says.
"Yeah, but…it's better that you don't. At the end of the day, you deserved better. I'm just…I'm sorry kid, I wish I could've saved you." My voice wavers with effort. He reaches out, tentatively wrapping his arms around me, and I crumble. I throw my arms around him, no hesitation as I hug him twice as tight.
We stand there, wrapped in an embrace that stings, like alcohol on an open wound, but I don't care. I fight through the agony, I cry, silently, trying so hard not to let him know what kind of a mess I am. But he can sense it. I know, because he knows. There's a slight lift to the fog that has shrouded my empathy link to him as he clutches me tight enough for his fingerprints to bruise.
"I wish I could've saved you." I whisper again. He draws away from me and makes a move to reach out, to wipe my tears, but instantly thinks the better of it.
"I know." But he doesn't.
And that's that.
He walks toward the mansion, a portal opens and I go through it, numb to everything, tears just pouring like rain. I wipe them away, smearing mascara across my cheeks, in my wake. Saix stands at the other side of the portal. Before he even has time to speak, before the portal closes behind me, inside the Castle That Never was, I take charge of the conversation.
"He doesn't remember me. And you're going to leave Axel out of this, okay?" I rasp, my voice sounding wet and tired.
"And who are you to think that you are allowed to give orders?" Saix asks me, a lifted eyebrow. "Lord Xemnas ordered him to kill XIII, that is his mission."
"I'll do it." I whisper. I can't, I know I can't. They'll kill me. But, I guess the good thing is they can't turn me into a Dusk. And maybe, with Naminé or Sora's help, just maybe, I can disappear before they get the chance to eliminate me. I will miss Axel, with every ounce of my being, but if we can't run together…Then I will run to keep him safe and hide until he gets his heart back. It doesn't matter if it takes until the very last day of my life, I know we will find one another again. And the romanticism of it all makes me mildly nauseous. This is not me, this has never been me. Weak, crying, hoping that some man comes to rescue me after I run away. But maybe I need rescuing right now. Maybe I'm not as resilient as I think.
"Oh, now?" Saix enquires.
"I'll kill Roxas. It'll hurt Axel, to have to do it. So I will. I'll do it." My words cut me deeper than I thought possible, and the icy cold smile that Saix offers makes me sick.
"As long as the Key of Destiny meets his demise by the end of tomorrow, it doesn't matter whose hand it is at." He replies, before he goes to stride off. He takes a few steps then pauses. "Perhaps I underestimated you, Rueki." But I note how cold his tone still is. "Perhaps you do serve a purpose. After all, you're just as heartless as the rest of us."
I take off down the hall, toward mine and Axel's room and I throw the door open. He's not there, waiting for me, and the emptiness of the room is the final straw. I collapse in bed, a sobbing mess.
I cry long, I cry hard. I cry myself to sleep. I don't even realize this though, until I hear the sound of a portal opening and my eyes go wide as I blink back grogginess. Axel emerges from the portal. I have never been happier to see anyone in my entire life.
"Hey." He offers me an unsure glance.
"Hey." I rub my eyes, sitting up in bed. I prop my elbows against my knees.
"Things are pretty rough lately, huh?" He asks, walking over to sit down next to me.
"Yeah. Remember when I was just an angry girl, throwing a temper tantrum any chance I got?" I laugh, humorlessly.
"Remember when I just acted, not caring who I hurt?" He raises an eyebrow, wrapping an arm around me. I lean into him.
"Those were the days." I snort.
"I dunno. I like you not slapping me. Most of the time." He grins.
"Well, sometimes you need it." I say.
"Yeah, I'm not gonna fight you on that one." He chuckles. "I like this though. You, opening yourself up to me, me opening myself up to you. I like having someone that…damn, Rueks, I like taking off the mask every now and then." I'm sure he does. I know all too well how exhausted and miserable he has been lately. I want nothing more than to see him snarky and laughing, but I guess this is what comes with time and vulnerability.
"I liked seeing you smile better." I sigh.
"Yeah, I liked seeing you smile too." He kisses the top of my head. "But…I'm here. Just so you know. You always act like you've just gotta suffer alone."
"You do too." I remind him.
"Yeah." He nods.
"I like you this way though. You come to me about the important things. You know you can trust me, I hope. But you're not a little bitch." I grin. He laughs.
"I do trust you, princess. Even though you're a pain in my ass." He says. "Your pep talks suck, but the way."
"Yeah, I know." I nod. "Can't blame a girl for trying."
"Eh, sure I can. But you're cute, so I'll forgive you." He kisses the top of my head again, and I wonder if things will ever not feel like absolute magic between the two of us. The soft warmth that passes in between us during moments like this, lights me up the same way the passionate fire of us making love does. Making love. That phrase strikes me and brings the tiniest smile to the edges of my mouth. It's so funny to think that I was so adamant once, that I didn't want a relationship with him, that we were just fucking. Now, I think some of my favorite moments are when we're being silly and laughing. He is my lover, but he has also become one of my best friends. I didn't realize how beautiful love could be. "So, you come up with any bright ideas to save Roxas?" He asks and that warms me. He'd give in, I knew he would, but it's nice to be on the same side of things again.
"Kind of not really." I purse my lips. "Naminé and I spent some time chatting about this."
"Naminé?" Axel raises an eyebrow. "You get her to undo the voodoo magic on you and Sora?" He asks.
"No, it's convenient for now. Let's me keep track of his progress. I'm too nosey to not know how that's going." I say. "No, her and I talked about Sora though, and Roxas, and how he deserves a life of his own. But she said at this point, there was nothing that could be done. She's made so much progress, there's no turning back. Only going forward, any future Roxas has will be dependent on the state of Sora's heart. So, I don't know what we're going to do. The only thing I can think, is maybe we get the hell out of dodge now. Maybe not just run away, but maybe we find Sora and help him. maybe we'll be safe if we're fighting alongside him. Maybe the only way we can stay safe is by switching sides." I offer. But his eyes are wide, his entire body is rigid. "What?" I ask.
"Fuck. How did I not think of that before?" He asks.
"What? Switching sides? I dunno, cuz you're stupid?" I raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head and looks at me, ideas buzzing behind his eyes, his excitement is palpable in the air. My heart races.
"No. Rueks, we can get Roxas back." He says. "Naminé, Kairi, Roxas, Sora, it all makes sense." He insists, though I don't see it.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I ask.
"Sweetheart, how was Roxas born?" He asks.
"Sora became a Heartless, I know what a Nobody is, dude." I remind him, rolling my eyes.
"And what brought him back after he was turned?" Axel asks. I know the answer to this, because Sora knows the answer to this.
"Kairi." I say, easily. "She found Sora's Heartless, her light brought him back."
"All we have to do is get Kairi, Rueki. We get her, Roxas and Sora can merge, that's no problem. We get Kairi, we can use her, we'll turn Sora into a Heartless and then use her to bring him back, Rueks, this is it, this is the way that we get Roxas back, and Sora still gets to keep saving the day." His eyes are bright, he grabs my hand and looks at me, trying to convey how brilliant this plan is. He's waiting for a debate, for me to accuse him of being an asshole.
But I can't. Because he's right. This is it, this is our loophole. This is how Roxas merges with Sora and how Axel makes it out alive.
"And how you can bullshit the Organization. You tell Xemnas we found Naminé and she said it wasn't possible to stop the process, but we've got a foolproof plan anyway, there's no way he can't accept this!" A grin breaks out across my features. Axel searches my gaze for any signs of protest, any signs of sarcasm. When he finds nothing, he beams and wraps his arms around me.
"Fuck." He whispers. "Fuck. Fuck."
And that does seem to about sum it up.