This chapter contains a graphic torture scene. If that is upsetting to you, I would highly recommend skimming for dialogue.
XLV.
"Where is he?" The words ring out before the room is even lit, and though I cannot see anything, I now suddenly do not feel Xigbar standing beside me. My breath catches in my throat.
"Can we not do this?" My words sound meek, even to me, a weak attempt at deflecting. Xemnas will sniff out my fear and use it against me, I know. "I don't know where Axel is, do you think I'd be here now if I did?"
"I think VIII has finally turned his back on you and left you here to die. He simply does not have to heart to carry the burden that is attached to you." Xemnas' voice again.
"A shame. If he intended to leave you here to rot, he should've just washed his hands of you in Castle Oblivion, as we ordered." The voice makes my blood run cold. Saix.
The lights in the room illuminate, and from the soothing darkness, the sterile, white light blinds me. I blink, squinting my eyes as I adjust.
"So just kill me and get it over with." And I only say this because I know he won't. I've gotten far too good at playing with fire, at making a gamble that no one else would. I hold my breath as I look up at the two men with steely eyes.
"You foolish girl. You're no value to us dead, anymore." Xemnas informs me. I look up, seeing he and Saix in their respective thrones, I freeze when I meet Saix's eyes. Usually blank and cold are now cruel, lit by…
The light of the moon through the now open window.
I swear I can feel my stomach drop. My mouth goes dry and I look to Xemnas.
"I don't know where he is, but send me out on a mission with anyone, I want to find him too, just as much as you guys do. We'll bring him back, use me if you have to, I'll remind him that my life is in his hands. He'll come with me." I urge, trying so hard to sound persuasive.
"You misunderstand. We have no intention to allow Axel back into our ranks. He is a traitor. Choosing you over listening to our orders, choosing Roxas over orders time and time again. Deserting. Did you really think he could get by without consequence?" Saix asks. "Or that you could do the same, for that matter?"
For once, I am without an answer.
"Th-then what do you want from me?" I stutter in time with the skipping beat of my heart.
"The two of you were informed that you would pay the price for his disloyalty. It's time to pay." Saix is suddenly standing in front of me, and before I can blink, his hand wraps around my throat and he throws me against the base of the closest throne, my head smashing again the porcelain. My vision goes white. I blink back spots, drawing a shaky breath as I feel his hand tighten around my throat.
"I don't know where he is!" I choke. "Dammit! Why would I want to be here with any of you if I knew where to find him?"
"I know Axel better than anyone, certainly better than you. He wouldn't have gone anywhere without telling someone. Especially someone he could brag about a plan to. It's not in his nature to be anything but obnoxious." Saix sneers, not loosening his grip on my throat. I knew their friendship had faded, but now I am certain that whatever love was once there between the two of them, is now lost completely. Thrown to the wayside, and I am there to clean up the mess. Well fuck Saix if he thinks he's getting anything out of me. I try to pry at his hands but he slams my head back against the throne again and I whine, attempting to shake off the pain.
"Fuck you." I spit. Like a ragdoll, he tosses me to the ground, boot stomping down onto my chest as my back smashes into the floor. I chomp down on my lip so hard that the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. I grab at his ankle, as quickly as I can possibly manage, and given his unbalanced state, I'm able to throw him off of me, knocking him to the ground. I wish I had Survivor, I wish I had the belt with my weapons pouch, I wish I had something to fight back with, but I don't. So, I jump up and sprint, moving as fast as my legs will take me, so fast that my speed whips against my eyes. I don't get far before I feel a hand grab the back of my hair and spin me with such force that I smash against the base of yet another throne. Saix bunches up my hair and uses it as leverage to smash my face, once, twice, again and again into the throne. I hear a loud crack and the pain in my nose is enough to take my breath away. My lips are almost instantly wet. I see blood, standing out in deep crimson against the white floor, as it drips down my face.
I draw in a breath, shaky and sputtering as his hold on my hair goes slack. Groaning, I push myself away from the base of the throne, but my knees are weak and I'm light headed.
"You'd do well to learn to hold your tongue, Rueki." Xemnas says, in an eerie calm. I think of the conversation I walked past and how Saix wanted to test me. If this is the test…
Then fuck him if he thinks I'll cooperate long enough to pass it.
"Why, cuz you think I'm afraid of your guard dog?" I ask, when suddenly, I am thrown across the room. Something heavy knocks into my abdomen and throws me aside. I hit the wall and slide down, shoulders shaking as I reach the ground.
"Do you think he will come running, like a hero, if you scream loud enough?" Saix taunts.
"I. Don't. Know. Where. He. Is!" I scream, voice ragged as it pierces the room. "He left me here! He told me I was safer here, I don't know what the fuck to tell you!" I pinch my eyes shut, trying to find something, anything to focus on, beyond the pain shooting across every square inch of my body. I am throbbing, bruised from head to toe.
My nose is broken.
Suddenly, my head is being lifted. I open my eyes to see Saix tilting my chin upward with the end of his Claymore, which is probably what he just flung me across the room with. I thought I knew what Berserk entailed. Twilight knows I've fought him before. But without Roxas there to defend me, or a weapon to hold my own, I am utterly at his mercy.
For someone who isn't supposed to feel emotions, I certainly do see hate in his eyes as he looks into my eyes. He draws the Claymore away from me.
"For the life of me, I don't understand why he consistently chooses you." He kicks me in the stomach, and I double over, arms instantly flying to cover my midsection. But he kicks again and again and all I can do is will my arms not to break.
"Because I haven't turned my back on him for Xemnas. Because I would never do anything to hurt him." I huff. To my surprise he doesn't kick or hit me again. Instead, he crouches down, coming to eye level with me.
"Do you know the truth about our past?" He asks. "Or is that something you've just conveniently blocked out?" He asks and I scoff.
"Don't you think I want to remember everything? I even asked Naminé to fish for my missing memories in Castle Oblivion! Why would I lie about not remembering my past?" I snap. He grabs my jaw roughly in his hand and looks at me, golden eyes piercing me just as sharply as a blade.
"Allow me to tell you the story of an insignificant orphan girl. Her parents died when she was young, in a simple accident, but she was convinced that it made her special to not have family. She was raised by a pilot and though she was barely able to dress herself, she thought this made her superior to everyone. Especially to two boys, a few years older than she. They owed her nothing, yet she felt a deep need to inform them every chance she got that they were beneath her. Without reason, of course. This girl was an arrogant, entitled fool with no regard for anyone but herself. And yet, one of the boys was so obsessed with harassing her. He had a sense of justice then, wanted to put the girl back in her place, and his friend stood by, quiet but proud. Because this little girl needed to learn the cold, harsh reality of the world. Of course, the boy could never quite bring himself to be as cruel as he should, you see he liked the attention that the girl gave him, even though it was negative. But his friend knew better, knew the girl was an insufferable leach. But she was not a burden, not yet.
Until one day, the world fell to darkness. Heartless attacked without mercy, threatening to swallow the place whole. And that boy who loved attention, he was on his way to find his friend, the quiet one. And that was when he came across the girl. Of course, she was younger, she was struggling to fight off the Heartless. And so, what does the boy do? Completely disregard his friend's safety. It no longer matters to him whether he and his friend make it out of this disaster alive, because he is so intent on playing hero. You see, he needs the attention, needs to feel like his miserable existence is worth something. Until one day he ceased to exist.
But do you know who lost their heart first? The quiet boy, the unassuming one. The one who never said a cruel word to this girl. Instead, he stumbled through the streets, having fought off the Heartless himself. But not before they marked him, scarring his face. He was beaten, barely standing but the last thing he saw before one of the Heartless ripped his beating heart from his chest, was his friend, defending this stupid girl. Lea did not offer me so much as a single glance as I screamed for my life
I feel my heart hammering in my chest. Saix never once takes his eyes off of mine, he doesn't even blink and I can't bring myself to draw in a breath. Was this the secret Axel hid from me? The harsh truth about how thoroughly my life has ruined others? If I thought Saix scared me before, I was wrong. My hands tremble, my pulse races.
"I—I'm sorry…" I try and that's when he slaps me. It's nothing in comparison to being thrown around the room, but it stings, and in light of my current injuries, it's not one I'm thrilled to add to the collection.
"Would you like to know the very worst part?" He asks, and I know that I don't get a choice in the matter. "A decade passes and the two friends have reunited, though not in the best of situations. See they both had their hearts ripped out, thanks to this girl. However, they are doing everything they can to get them back, and despite it all, there are memories of loyalty, kinship. They are the closest thing to friends one another have. They have so many grand plans for what will happen when their hearts are returned. And then that leach of a girl reappears. And this time, she's old enough to swing her hips and bat her eyes and fool that very same man into giving her attention, attention that she does not deserve. She destroys what is left of their bond and doesn't even have the decency to accept that she is the villain in this story.
I understand what you have to offer him now. Physical needs are something that plague even those of us without hearts, but tell me, why does he keep coming back to you? You offer nothing! You are insolent, ungrateful, defiant, unable to manipulate a single element. You cannot hold a card to anyone in this castle. You are ordinary in the most pathetic of ways, and yet he consistently chooses you, time and time again. Even when he knows what is at stake, so tell me, why?" He roars.
"I…I love him." I breathe. "I remind him of what it felt like when he had a heart."
"As did I. He was like a brother to me. And I was certainly a more significant player in his past than you." He sneers.
"You don't get it. I'd move mountains for him, I'm willing to wait for him to get his heart back, I have nearly died for him, and I've chosen to live for him. There's nothing that can rival that." Maybe once upon a time he could've slipped between the cracks. But Saix has sufficiently dug his own grave. Between his treatment of me, of Roxas and even of Axel, there is no turning back.
"So he is choosing you because you allow him to pretend that he isn't empty?" He asks. "He feels nothing!"
"There's something." I insist. "Even you, you're jealous right now, that's what the burning in your chest is. Even without a heart, that can't be the end all be all, there's something."
"VII, silence her." Xemnas says, and for a moment, I forgot he was in the room, but once again, Saix has me by the hair. He throws me down as hard as he can onto the ground. My head cracks and I feel a wetness in the back of my head. My limbs tingle, like pinpricks and I have to move my fingers to prove to myself that I am not paralyzed.
"You're willing to maim an innocent girl for him?" I ask. Saix meets me with a smile that chills me to the bone.
"No, this is for me." He raises the Claymore above his head and I make an 'X' with my arms, trying to shield as much of my face as possible as he brings his weapon down onto me. The blade is sharp, like the teeth of a wild animal and it bites into my skin, ripping flesh open, tearing me apart. Over and over, he slashes at me and when finally he takes a step back he's breathing heavily, shoulders heaving, eyes glazed over as though he is in some sort of trance. I take a wavering breath and don't even try to look at my arms. I can already see blood, dripping like rain, spilling onto me, onto the floor.
"We will ask nicely only one more time, Rueki. Where has VIII run off to?" Xemnas asks. From where I lay on the ground, I look to him with wide, horrified eyes.
"You're a fucking monster, even if I knew I wouldn't tell you." That's not the right answer, and I know it isn't. But over a year ago, I thought to myself how I wanted to die saying something better than 'those doors are tall'. This is better. This will suffice.
The Claymore stabs into my leg and I jolt up, eyes flying open just to watch the weapon pierce all the way through my thigh. He tears it out and I hear the sound of wet flesh, ripping as easy as paper. My body trembles, spasming violently as I fight to stay conscious through the agony. Air hits my new wound and stings like alcohol. I scream so loud, it feels as though my throat is being torn by sandpaper.
"You are a waste of oxygen, a waste of sound." Saix smashes his foot down onto my hand, the bones crumble like a pencil. I hear them crack, one by one and this time when I scream, the sound fades in and out. "A waste of a conscious mind, a waste of a vessel." The claymore slashes again, this time toward my face, and I immediately pull the arm of the uninjured hand up to block the blow. And it does. But it dawns on me that I can't feel anything in that arm, anymore. Just wetness running across my skin, but even that is only pressure. I steal a glance and feel my stomach lurching, it's all I can do to stop the bile rising in my throat. There is more blood than there is skin, I see connective tissue, muscle, fat. Parts of my anatomy that shouldn't be exposed, now are.
"I don't know where he is!" I choke out, voice weak and fading. Saix doesn't care and clearly neither does Xemnas, who I can see grinning wickedly at the scene. Maybe I've failed the test, or maybe this is exactly what Xemnas wanted. I don't know, but I cannot even feign the energy to care. Saix raises his boot and kicks me in the stomach again, and this time, I hear more cracking. My ribs. The pain makes me lose vision.
I need to get up, need to move, need to do something. I try to push myself up with my numb arm, but catch myself slipping in the pool that my own blood as left on the floor. No, not like this, any way but this. I don't want Saix to be the one who kills me.
My vision starts to come back, and I force my screaming legs to stand tall, but the once sliced open is losing blood, and fast. I try to take a step, but I falter and have to catch my balance on my good leg. The blunt of the claymore comes flying at me, into my chest and I feel another rib crack. There's no voice left to scream.
"A shame, number VIII won't even know of his punishment until it has already happened. I wanted nothing more than for him to watch you die." Xemnas tells me from his throne, though I can't see him anymore. My eyes are pinched shut as I prepare for death.
I'm sorry Axel. Turns out, I couldn't wait for you any longer.
I hear the sound of the claymore dragging across the floor and hear heavy footfalls approach me and then, suddenly—
"You're going to kill her!"
Not Saix's voice.
Oh no. Oh Twilight no.
My eyes fly open.
I know he's a Nobody and has control over an element, I know he doesn't even have a heart to care for me, but he's putting his life on the line for me. I lean up trying to yell at him to let me die, but I'm too hoarse to even encourage him to save himself.
"Have you come to take her place?" Saix growls, but Xemnas seems to understand how very bad this looks. He, unlike Saix is not possessed by the effects of berserk. Demyx comes sprinting over to me, he grabs my unbroken hand and tries to pull me off the floor, but to no avail. My entire body is limp, too exhausted to offer him any assistance. I feel myself fading in and out. I grasp, pathetically at the edges of consciousness.
"Enough damage has been done, VII." Xemnas orders.
"I'll say!" Demyx is being a lot braver than I ever could've expected him to. But for all of his boldness, there is still fear, wet and rattling as it cracks his voice.
"Allow the girl reprieve. Clearly she is too stubborn to relay her secrets to us. Allow her time to reconsider her loyalties and rest." Xemnas says. I can see utter discontent in Saix's eyes, a look that begs Xemnas 'don't make me stop, let me kill her now', but instead, Demyx wraps an arm around my middle. I scream, feeling every single one of my broken ribs. The sound is enough to cause him shock, because he drops me back to the ground.
"Fuck! Shit! Rueki!" He stutters, grabbing the wrist of the hand that is broken. It doesn't hurt terribly but I still cannot stand up, even as he tries to wrap an arm beneath my armpits to support me. "I don't know if I can carry you, can you stand?" He asks.
I have exactly as much energy as it takes to say "no", before I finally black out.