It's a Long Road to Redemption, Kacchan
Summary: Deku followed Bakugou's advice and took a swan dive off the roof. Five years later they meet again and Izuku has a peculiar quirk that happens to be the hero's greatest weakness. (AU: Villain!Deku, Bakudeku)
Warning: This chapter references suicide, so please read carefully.
Chapter 3: Narrating the Show
"I'll tell you everything," Izuku begins, as though narrating a show, "But you might find it a little hard to believe…So I'd better show you. After all it's time you see what I can do."
"What do the hell do you mean by show me?"
Deku doesn't bother answer as he steps in, so close they touch and it sends a jolt of electricity down his spine.
"Answer me!" he demands harshly, raising a hand to dig into the other's shoulder.
The villain flinches, the way he's done one time too many to count. Bakugou's hand falls limp by his side and his gaze switches to the little cut-out of the sky he can see from there.
A moment passes and then another before Bakugou grunts, deciding enough is enough, he's never been one to play games after all.
"You have a memory quirk or what?"
A soft, melodic laughter fills the room up and flies out of the barred window,
"Oh, Kacchan," Deku sounds almost teasing, "You've lost your touch, haven't you?"
He glares at him as the words mirror his own insecurities and fuel his anger for not figuring it out,
"Before you would've read my quirk like an open book…" Midoriya's voice trails away, "But…then again, you never bothered look at others, did you? Maybe that's the one thing you're not good at."
Another jab at his chest from Izuku's pale index finger, as though an accusation. He's getting tired and frustrated by the minute, fingers clenching into a fist. Nothing happens, no explosions. Vaguely he realizes how much he relies on his quirk, what a large part of him it has become.
Take his quirk away…and what is left?
"Anyway, like I said, I'll show you."
Bakugou opens his mouth to fight in protest but Izuku has always been fast and before he knows it a hand digs into the soft material of his shirt.
A scream tears through the air and it takes a second too long for him to figure out it's his own.
xxx
The world before him is gone, replaced with some place dark he knows doesn't quite exist. It's oppressive and monotone, so starkly different from the real world he shivers against the cold.
"Not gonna happen kid, you're quirkless."
The words sound like a memory except they're not, at least not one that belongs to him.
He doesn't actually see the events as they take place…at least not really, not with his eyes. It's as though the scenes are projected from within, in his own head. Like a dream but –
Suddenly it all clicks, as though putting a missing piece to the puzzle.
He basks as the limelight of his own realization but it doesn't last long as the pain is back to his chest.
"You're quirkless, you can't be a hero."
"You're nothing but a useless waste of space."
"Just give it up!"
It's not one voice now, rather a choir of them, all meshing in together. Katsuki's fingers curl around the spiky strands of his hair and he pulls on it, desperate to make it all stop.
The desperation, the helplessness that erupts in his chest is too much for him to take.
"Even your name reads useless~! You useless Deku"
That one cuts through his heart like a knife and if he closes his eyes he can almost see the memory: himself at the age of six, standing before Izuku tall and threatening, like a villain inching closer to a civilian.
"We can't be friends anymore if you're quirkless!"
Despite the agony, the blinding pain that isn't even there he pauses, a small, frightening idea creeping up from the back of his mind.
He's never said that.
Granted, he tends to forget most insults he throws around as they are too many to count but this one specifically…it doesn't even sound like his own wording.
Not to mention, he doubts he ever realized Izuku was a friend, even as a small child he was always told how great and unique he is and all his mind could come up with was: You don't need others. You're too good on your own.
But this…did Deku feel like it?
He's showing him his own emotions, is that it?
It's not just a smooth instrument to explain, no it's the way to punish him, show him what made him jump that way. And it's not just one careless sentence on a warm spring afternoon, no, it appears there's a whole chain of events leading up to this.
"…Why don't you take a swan dive off the roof?"
As soon as that dreaded moment comes up he's on his knees, screaming at the nothing around him. He doesn't see the cell's monotonous grey walls, the dripping sink or Izuku's pale, tired face anymore. Even if he tries to grasp onto something, hold onto reality, it merely slips away from him, the harder he tries.
Is this what insanity is? Did Izuku really go insane? Is this why he joined the League Villains?
Bakugou doesn't have time to consider it as the agony goes one level higher and He screams to make it all stop, except there is no sound around him. Perhaps this is what Deku felt like when no one listened.
"Kacchan is right, I'm useless,"
It finally gets to him – the words aren't really there, there's no voice that he hears. It's all inside his head, emotions his senses struggle to comprehend.
If he closes his eyes they appear like a messy school boy's writing, black ink clashing against the white of his notebook in its finality.
In his palm they feel hot and painful, cutting his skin like thorns.
"All I ever do is make things worse…I anger Kacchan, I'm a burden to my mother, I try to save others, only to create more trouble."
The thought goes on and on and on and suddenly it's all he can hear, see and sense, as though Deku was truly obsessed by it, until there was nothing else to his reality. Bakugou attempts to dispel it but never manages, instead the agony consumes him.
"I should listen to Kacchan, he's always right,"
Then…it all stops.
The agony is gone, replaced by something else, something heavy like lead and cold like a pile of fresh snow.
There's clarity, the illusion gone, a decision made.
He realizes that's what choosing to end your life must feel like – you no longer sense the pain, rather the numbness. Like pressing ice to an injury it offers relief, you just have to hold onto a little longer and –
It'd be a lie if he said he really saw Deku killing himself. He doesn't, it's more of a feeling than anything else and yet his emotions have always been so strong, his imagination so vivid –
He pictures it, like so many times in his nightmares. A small figure, clad in green, standing on a roof,
"You're useless,"
"You'll never be a hero,"
"I'm so sorry Izuku…I wish things could be different…"
One step further, then another one,
"Take a swan dive off the roof-"
"Kacchan is always right."
Bakugou screams in agony, everything around him shattering. The pain is so overwhelming he can't process it as it overwrites all his senses.
He doesn't fight the darkness, he welcomes it.
xxx
When he opens his eyes he feels as though in a fog, finding it hard to concentrate on the present. A short eternity passes before he manages to sit up, taking in the sunset as it paints the room gold and crimson.
His fingers dug into his own skin, the foreign emotions gone but their taste still lingering on his tongue.
There's guilt, anger and finally helplessness as he stares at the proof of what he's done.
Before there was leeway, a small chance that perhaps it wasn't his fault Deku committed suicide and he clung onto it like a lifejacket. Now he knows otherwise with the clarity of cold January morning.
And the things the other made him feel, his own…Did Izuku really feel that much pain? This poses another question he doesn't quite want to answer: What kind of hero makes a civilian suffer?
"You should eat,"
His head snaps in the direction of the small voice as it tears him away from the hell inside his mind.
Crimson eyes take in Izuku as he leans in against the bars of the cell, looking like a memory from the early morning. Except there's something different about him – his entire being screams of defeat and exhaustion, shoulders slumped, hands trembling.
Katsuki opens his mouth to point it out as he notices the circles under his eyes, one shade darker. His hair is a lifeless mess framing a tired face. Then there are his freckles, tiny little dots of colour clashing against pallid skin, more pronounced than ever before.
He thinks maybe in another lifetime Deku would grow up to be beautiful, in this one he's merely broken.
A single stream of blood trickles down from his nose and against himself Bakugou winces.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, nerd?"
Izuku doesn't bother respond, wiping the blood away with a dirty sleeve.
"You're the one locked away, worry about yourself, Kacchan"
He can hear the bite in his voice but even more pronounced is the exhaustion, laced with hurt. It does something funny to his heart as concern blooms in it like a damn weed.
"Whatever," he grunts in the end, "We both know I'll make it out of here. As a hero."
Deku sighs at his remark but doesn't comment further. Katsuki thinks it's worse this way, the silence making the whispers in his head louder.
He begins to understand the power Izuku holds and how dangerous it makes him. Having control over emotions …he laughs at the irony of it.
Deku's quirk is his biggest weakness.
Ah, the two of them truly are something.
xxx
(Past)
Katsuki never expected to know what loneliness is. He's always had people follow him around, trailing behind like a herd of sheep after their shepherd.
He's never cherished people - they weren't friends, rather blind followers, turning to see his every move, like sunflowers chasing after the sun.
"Bakugou…I don't think we should hang out anymore,"
The words take him by surprise and for one long moment all he can do is stare, before the anger kicks in,
"What the fuck do you mean!?" he demands harshly to which his two former companions share an awkward look, as though they've rehearsed this.
"We…we think what you did to Izuku is wrong,"
It finally hits him – his actions have consequences, like those of anyone else in the world. He's not that special, the laws society has work on him as well. The fury within his chest subsides with the guilt but it doesn't stop him from lashing out,
"Fuck all of you!" he bellows, "Look if I care about some nobodies trailing behind me as I walk away!"
They don't follow, no one else does from that point onwards.
(Bakugou is equal parts disappointed and …relieved. Perhaps this way no one else gets hurt. If loneliness is the price for it, he'll pay up without hesitation
It's funny – that's the most heroic thing he's done so far).
xxx
Three days before the entrance exam for U.A Katsuki isn't worried, nor is he excited.
If anything he's numb, the only emotion left the anger simmering somewhere deep within him. It threatens to boil over and he has to be stopped by teachers a handful times before punching someone to the ground.
(It takes Deku to kill himself for those bastards to finally pay attention to kids getting bullied and that makes him think maybe he isn't the only monster around).
One day his legs take him to Deku's grave without his permission. He finds himself at the same spot he stood at during the funeral, sending glares at the cold, smooth surface of the tombstone before him.
He's thought about what to say a million times and more but now he doesn't say anything, rather just screams,
"This is all your fucking fault!" he yells, emotions escalating as he gets no response, "You ruined my life!"
He's met by empty silence and a few gasps from other visitors. They aren't too surprised though, in a place like this it might as well be a daily experience.
"If only you hadn't been so weak and pathetic, you could have, I could have-"
The words dry up on his lips and suddenly he doesn't have anything to add, the fury subsiding to dying ambers. He's back to emptiness, the numbness that has found resort in his mind for the past few months.
He slides down, school uniform sinking into the mud. No notice is paid to the dirt or the patches of yellowing grass latching onto his expensive shoes because really what's the point to care about anything these days?
"If you just hadn't listened to me…"
It's barely above a whisper and yet it echoes in his mind and he knows it's going to haunt him.
Bakugou isn't sure how long he remains in that position, forehead pressed against the hard surface of the tombstone, fingers going senseless with the cold.
There's a hand on his back and he lashes out, ready to punch and end whoever sees him like this. (For one short moment he even thinks about ghosts).
Before him stands Inko, eyes wide and green, a mirror image of another pair he's not going to see anymore.
"Katsuki…"
His own name sounds soft and gentle on her lips and he hates it more than he hates himself. She should be mad and bitter, should hit him over and over again because it's his cruelty that led to her little boy residing six feet under.
"What?!" he demands, cruel and vicious as always, even as he wipes away tears with a dirty sleeve.
He doesn't dare look at her, setting his gaze on something far away in the distance. The sky is a steel grey colour, as if synonymous with finality. He sees it fitting.
There's some shuffling next to him and he can sense Inko itching closer. She raises a pale hand, no doubt to offer comfort but seems to think against when met with a glare.
"You really miss him, don't you?"
The question breaks something in him and he wants is to get up, pull her by the shirt and scream at her that she has no idea what is going on, that she's talking to the murderer of her own son. She's offering comfort to the one who deserves it the least – the very reason for all this.
Instead he snorts, crimson eyes never leaving the horizon. A beat of silence and then he hears the determination in her voice - a distant echo of Deku's
"You should take this."
He's startled by the offer as he inspects the hand stretched out for him.
Katsuki recognizes it immediately, he can spot Deku's handwriting anywhere. It's the same notebook, №13, the one he threw in the pond.
(How much had he taken away from Izuku?
His belongings, his hopes, his dreams…the only friend he'd ever had – himself.
And in the end he couldn't stop himself and had to take away his very life.
What kind of hero will he be?)
His chest rises and falls rapidly and as a surge of panic bubbles up his throat, making him unable to breathe. It all lasts a moment too long and it only ends when a warm hand lands on his chin.
"Katsuki, look at me,"
He meets Inko's eyes and there's compassion in them, a motherly love so deep he can't comprehend it. It's wrong on so many levels it makes his fingers curl into fists and nails dig into his own skin.
"I miss him too…more than I can ever describe,"
Tears glisten in her eyes and he's reminded of all the times he's made Deku cry and how much joy it used to bring him. Now it's all shades of wrong.
"But…I know he would want you to succeed. You were his only friend."
Her words are the last nail to the coffin and he can't help the sob that flies past his lips. Because he's reminded who Izuku was all along - Quirk or not, he was never weak.
Izuku was strong enough to hide bullying for years, strong enough to hold onto the remains of their friendship, long after Katsuki had destroyed it. He had a heart of gold, choosing to suffer in silence, all in the name of making sure Kacchan didn't face the consequences.
And…a small part of him begs to ask – isn't that more important than a quirk?
(That, that very strength Deku had was the very reason Bakugou hated him all along because he never had anything close to it.)
"I did this to him," he tells her but Inko shakes her head, never considering the idea,
"No, no, of course you didn't," she assures, tears rolling down her sides and pooling at the edge of her scarf, "If anyone should blame themselves…it should be me. What kind of parent misses the signs and lets their child kill himself?"
His heart, if he has any left, shatters at the utter guilt and helplessness in her eyes. It's not her fault, not in any way… But he's too weak, too useless to tell her the truth and face her wrath.
Instead she pulls him into a hug, clinging onto him, as if he's the only thing left from her boy.
He can't take that away, he's taken enough already.
xxx
"You should take the notebook, it might help you as a hero," Inko tells him after what feels like ages, when they both get up on shaky legs and shiver against the cold of the impending winter.
He nods like the liar he is,
"Thank you," he whispers, words small and out of place on his chapped lips, "And I'm sorry."
"There's nothing you have to be sorry for," Inko assures as she takes his hand in hers, "Just…makes sure you become a hero for the both of you."
The words resonate with him and for the first time in his life he makes a promise that's not to himself,
"I will."
This becomes his new motivation to be a hero. It's no longer about greatness or competition, it's about seeking forgiveness.
(How many lives do you have to save to make up for the one you took?)
To the rest of the world he remains innocent but he knows better…And that's enough, more than enough.
He has one too many sins to repent and he's not even sure being a hero will cover for them.
But he'll try, like Deku always did, even when being told no.
xxx
(Present)
Izuku visits him another time that night, just when the memories start to fade away.
He meets inquisitive green eyes as the other peeks into the cell, as if to make sure he's had his supper.
"You've eaten," Deku points out the obvious, lips curling into a small, relieved smile, as though that's of importance, as though Katsuki matters to him, "That's good."
"Why? You poison my food?" Bakugou snorts even as he knows that's not the case.
"No, of course not, I'd never…"
The villain looks away, realizing his mistake mid-sentence. Fingers curl into fists by his sides and he shakes his head.
"You know, for a bad guy you suck pretty badly?"
A small sigh leaves Izuku's lips, one of acceptance and resignation. It flies directly into Bakugou's heart and he loathes the very sound of it.
"Yeah…I do, don't I?"
Shoulders slumped, a dejected look on his face – it's as though whatever optimism and will to fight there was in him is gone and what he presented earlier was a mask, one to intimidate him.
Katsuki licks his lips, a sudden illogical desire gaining force in his mind – he wants to offer comfort. It makes little sense to him – after all why would he ever comfort a villain?
He bites his lip, struggling to come up with something to say – what would Kirishima do?
"Deku…" the nickname hangs in the air, posing a question he's not ready to ask, so he settles for something else,
"You…how did you come back?"
Izuku smirks at him, a flicker of confidence back to his green eyes, though how much of it is real he has no idea,
"Oh, it's not a big deal really…" he pouts a little, "I just happened to be brought back to life."
Bakugou sucks in a breath, trying to force his brain to accept the reality before him,
"The best part is," the villain leans in, as if to whisper a secret, "It's all because of you, Kacchan."
Author's Note: What do you think Bakugou has to with Izuku being brought back?
Thoughts on Deku's abilities so far - he can do more than this but it will be revealed as we go along.
Do you think this ability will help them in the long run or do more damage to their already fractured relationship?
What did you think of the scene with Inko?
Shout out to: Guest, viki, ravenlily144, Guest - thank you for commenting!
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