"Nothing is bothering me."
"You've been acting weird all week. Out with it."
Puss sighed, sitting like a human on the bottom stair, his hind paws on the floor. "First off, I saw an old friend making a contract with Rumpel, but I had to leave. I have not seen her since." He looked grumpily up at her. "Advice?"
"Have you tried looking for her?"
"I sometimes get Brogan to carry me around town. I must admit, you have spoiled me." He petted his round belly. "Which I love," he quickly added.
"Why would Brogan carry you? I mean, what's in it for him?"
Puss shrugged. "A soft companion with a cute face?"
Fiona smiled. "What else is on your mind?"
"We have not known Donkey long, but I fear I know him well. He seems like the weak, loud type. Inapable of thinking things through. Impulsive. Yet he has taken eight hours to consider your offer. I know how ogres eat, and much as I hate to admit it to myself, let alone you..." Puss sighed. "He has grown on me."
Fiona sighed as she heard the echo of what she thought Shrek would say: That's not the only thing that has been growing on you.
"I guess I fear for him," Puss continued.
"He does seem..." Fiona floundered for words. "A little unorthodox."
"I always hear him coming long before I see him. But all day has been quiet."
"I'm sure he's fine, Puss. He's probably eating the waffle traps right now."
"Uh, he can't. I already did," Puss mumbled.
Fiona giggled and closed her eyes as her body began to sparkle and glow. Wearing her cursed apparrell, it grew to perfectly fit her ogre form. Fiona sighed and shook her head as she continued to sweep.
Suddenly another female ogre hurried into the room. "Fiona! There is a man at the gate - "
"Did he see you?" Fiona asked anxiously.
"No, I was in the shadows. He claims to personally know you!"
"Thanks, Rhetta. I'll take care of it." Fiona leaned the broom on the wall. "But if he says he came from an alternate universe, he's going in the river." She walked toward the front door thinking, And you can forget about the statue of Shrek.
Walking into the darkened courtyard, she spotted right away the slender man-shaped shadow on the other side of the gate. As she got closer, she began to recognize Prince Charming, who recognized her as well and looked at her with a stupid expression on his face.
Fiona walked up to the gate. "Charming," she said succinctly in greeting.
"Fiona? Princess Fiona? Is that really you? I..." He almost made a face at her, but quickly remembered his manners. "Do forgive me, but surely you can't still be cursed. Who freed you, love?"
"I did," she said coldly. "And the next time you call me that, your head will be on a dinner plate."
"Sorry!" he said, not sounding very apologetic at all. "I saw your advertisement and it was quite vague. I thought perchance I would stop by and meet the great man worthy of you. But, it seems like no man exists." He looked seductively into her eyes. "If you still share my feelings, then maybe you would not object to my company." He lifted the flowers and chocolate. "I brought a gift to welcome you home."
Fiona raised her eyes from the presents and back at his inviting smile. "If I thought you were man enough to rescue me, I wouldn't have given up on you."
Prince Charming almost made another face, then laughed it off. "Oh, Fiona. My beautiful queen. You don't have to play hard-to-get; you see, I would like a chance to end your curse."
Fiona narrowed her eyes at him. "I wouldn't kiss you to save my life." She turned and began walking back to the kingdom.
"What about Cindy's?" Prince Charming goaded. Fiona stopped like she had slammed into an invisible wall. When she turned to face him her eyes were blue fire. Fisting her hands, Fiona retraced her steps to the gate.
"Explain yourself."
"I am a powerful man, Fiona. And if you refuse to marry me, I shall destroy her."
Fiona stared into his emotionless eyes. "Well, I definitely don't want that," she murmured. "Come in. I think we need to talk about this in depth." She looked up. "Open the gate, please," she called.
Prince Charming's victorious smile was short-lived. As he strode alongside Fiona toward the kingdom, she suddenly grabbed him and hoisted him into the air and started carrying the resisting prince toward the dungeon.
There wasn't an empty cell in the whole prison. Each cell occupied either one witch, or more than one. Fiona strode to the fullest cell, unlocked the gate, and pushed Prince Charming forward into their misery. Her hands were quick and steady as she locked the door, then she raised her eyes to his. "The witches were sentenced to life. Make of that what you will."
"My mother will hear of this!"
"I don't see how," she said simply. She turned and walked up the stone steps, and the door banged shut, sealing the prison in darkness.
Thanks to a high and tiny window, Prince Charming's eyes began to adjust. He turned to look at the pointed hats that seemed to float in the cell with him, until their shoulders caught the light. "We need a plan."
"We've got one," said the witch with the pleasant voice. "We are going to show our new queen the same respect we showed a horrid, horrible man. We are going to pay our debt to society."
"No, that's a stupid plan," Prince Charming scoffed. "Alright. As Rumpelstiltskin's brother, I hereby claim authority of this room. Now...come up with a way to break me out. My debt to society is to be king!"
"Oh, shut up," Griselda called.
-x-
Fiona's steps slowed as she walked back into the ballroom, one hand over her pounding heart. If she had not rejected him, she would have married a killer! He had been tempting. Of course, she would do almost anything to be normal again. She had already been cast into a life of despair, but to marry that man would be to surrender to it.
Somebody else had finished sweeping, and Fiona's shoes had been put away with the others. She looked around, noticing that the chimichanga bombs had been cleaned up. Puss had probably hidden them away for some secret snacking later on.
Fiona didn't even want to think about the dragon. She ascended the stairs and went to the hallway, looking out at the ballroom from above. Looking up, she finally noticed the huge dent in the wall and the giant window that was missing all its glass. Figuring it was from the battle, she put one arm on the balustrade and rested her chin in her hands, sighing in sadness.
If she had only liked Shrek a little more. If it had only been more than a crush! Not like she really believed the whole alternate universe thing. But had he loved her?
A honk from the ballroom echoed upward, and Fiona peered down and saw Fifi waddling out from Fiona's blind spot from under the hall. The chain on her leg dragged behind her. Again, Fiona looked up to the window.
Shrek had been on the floor holding that chain, and Fifi had been so close to the window. They could obviously put her to work.
Fiona watched Cookie run across the room and scoop up the chain. Moving quickly, Fiona abandoned the rail and hurried down the stairs just in time to hear Cookie say, "Man, this bird's gonna need a really big fire."
"We're not eating it," Fiona snapped, grabbing the chain from him. "This bird is a tool."
Brogan scoffed. "So was its master."
"There is damage to the palace that none of us can reach. Do not eat her. Got it?"
"Alright, sorry," Cookie answered, and Fiona walked Fifi away. As the bird followed close behind, it kept honking and turning its head, obviously looking for the midget who made it tame. Fiona tied the chain around a column. "Besides, I'm going to make a garden," she said, as she tied the chain into a knot; then she yanked on the chain to make sure the knot was secure.
She turned to look at them, hands on her hips, as Cookie spoke. "Listen, we were all thinkin' about going back to the hideout for awhile."
"Fine," Fiona said, her voice emotionally detached. "If that's what you want to do."
She walked past them.
"She's mad," Brogan muttered. "I told you that would happen."
"An' I told you it was a bad idea to say anything, but you just don't listen."
When Brogan didn't acknowledge his words Cookie sighed and walked past him. "Man, whatever. I'm outta here."
"I'm not," Brogan muttered, and looked at Cookie. "I'll stay tonight."
"You sure?" Cookie asked, and Brogan nodded. "Okay then. See ya later," Cookie added, and he walked from the ballroom.
Brogan walked after Fiona, hastening his steps to catch up with her. "Wait up!" he called, and his deep voice echoed throughout the kingdom. Fiona stopped immediately and turned to face him. "Uh, I volunteer to stay with you tonight."
"Why is that?"
"Well - those witches are dangerous."
Fiona gave him a crooked smile. "Let's say the witches did break out and attack any of us. Who would they take us to?"
He paused, considering.
"You are more than welcome to stay here. But you don't have to. Personally it would ease my mind knowing you weren't homeless; that is why I invited you." Fiona walked away.