The playlist for this half of the story will be in the notes for this chapter, now without further ado

XLIX.
Betwixt and Between is a mess of nothing and everything all at once. The portal that leads from the data Twilight Town to the World That Never was is a mass of swirling colors and slithering Nobodies. This is truly the edge of Nothing, and at the very center, Sora, Donald and Goofy stand.
"It's no use." Sora sighs, pathetically, and I can see the exhaustion weakening his being. Every muscle on his body seems to go slack. His knees buckle as he tries his hardest to stay up. I remember the day I met him, that smile that seemed to struggle to stay intact has now all but fallen off his face. He looks so much more like Roxas, my Roxas, my very best friend. Intent, serious, passionate…and at the end of his rope.

"Don't stop moving, or the darkness will overtake you!" Axel warns. I shiver. This feels so incredibly endgame. But this was my choice. If this is how I die…then so be it. Sora, Roxas, Axel, all of them safe? Now that is a price I'm more than willing to pay. I won't if I can help it, but I consider the angry white scars all over my body. I'm dented, scarred beyond repair. Two of my three boys don't even have the heart to miss me…We have a goal we're working toward but still.

I know who needs to make it out of here no matter what the cost.

Sora must endure.

"Get going!" Axel urges as we teleport onto the scene. I throw myself into a cluster of Dusk's, Survivor slashing straight through them in a way that makes me sigh in utter bliss. I forgot what it felt like to eliminate these monsters just for fun. Back in the days when I savored the feeling of slashing through Heartless and Nobodies alike, life felt infinitely simpler.

"Why?" Sora asks, his eyes flicking to where Axel sends his Chakrmas flying into a group of Assassins. Funny, his own Nobodies have turned against him.

"Do you listen with your ears? Get the hell out of here kid." I urge. Sora's eyes flash as he turns to me.

"I thought you weren't on my side anymore." He accuses, and jeez, I swear, I can never figure out, who is dumber: him or Roxas.

"Can you like shut up for maybe fifteen minutes, kid?" I ask.

"And why should I, old lady?" He counters, as if that isn't a serious blast from the past.

"Listen, you cheeky little—" I get thrown back by a Samurai—fucking hell, Roxas, control your Nobodies.

"Rueki!" Axel cries out and he comes sprinting toward me with wide eyes. A Berserker smashes into him and my eyes fire up, a rage burning behind them. Oh, how I hope it hurts when Sora finally kills Saix. Beside me, Axel crashes to the ground. He offers me a very smarmy half smile that sends a jolt through my entire body. Everything about our relationship has felt like a firework—explosive and beautiful all at once. This moment on the ground is no exception. He reaches out and squeezes my hand. I dissolve. "Fancy meeting you here, beautiful." He says.

"Are you okay?" Sora asks as he comes sprinting toward us. I push myself up and literally drag Axel's ass upright. He grunts as he sits up and I lean into him.

"Just a flesh wound." I offer.

"I kidnapped Kairi, but she got away from me. After that, Saix got her." Axel grunts, resting one elbow on his knee and his head in his hand.

"Yeah, when you meet him, don't show any mercy, alright? He's a real fucking asshole." I encourage Sora, whose blue eyes roam the that linger on my body. He chews his lower lip and I know he understands instantly. Or maybe Roxas does. He nods.

A Dusk comes flying at us and Sora blocks it with his Keyblade.

"Fuck!" He curses. "Leave us alone."

"Language, child." I cackle, standing upright. Axel follows behind me and I realize how utterly exhausted he seems as he stands. Much like Sora, how the boy hung limply, trying to keep the hero façade intact, Axel tries with all of his might just to stay upright. I realize that we haven't slept, that it is well past the time we would normally be in bed and that Axel was probably already weary being on the hunt for Kairi, before we found each other in Hollow Bastion. I help Axel up and press my lips to his. I swear, he looks infinitely more rejuvenated. He offers me a cocky grin and sends his Chakrams flying. They move in a flurry. I launch myself across the area. The swirling colors bleed together in my eyes. There is no wind in here to whip at my skin. I spiral, kicking with my left leg, slashing with my right arm while Axel attacks and Sora follows with the slash of his Keyblade. The three of us take out the creatures in front of us and they disintegrate into darkness in front of us. "Launch me!" I tell Axel as a cluster of Assassins appears. He holds his Chakrams out to me and I leap, jumping off of the flat of his weapon, flipping over into the heard of Nobodies. This time, panic doesn't course through me, instead, power does. A grin spreads across my lips and this feeling reminds me so much of when I used dark magic.

I tear through Nobodies, feeling them rip and crumble at the force of Survivor. I launch a grenade, Sora smashes with his Keyblade. Axel sends a series of fire based attacks, but they just keep coming. I turn to my lover, my eyes narrowed in concentration. For a second, it's almost as though our brains are in perfect synch. I go sprinting over to him and leap into the air. His Chakrams go sailing toward a group of Dusks and without his weapons at hand, he grabs my ankles and spins me in a perfect circle, my claw smashing through everything surrounding us. He releases me, I backflip over him and crash down into another Dusk creeping up behind him. He shoots a wall of flames that disintegrates a heard of Galmblers. Sora's Keyblade connects with a Dancer.

For as fast as we tear through them, there's no signs of them slowing down. They multiply by the dozen. I claw at a Samurai and a Sniper hits me in the back. Axel slashes a Sorcerer and a Dragoon attacks him. Sora finishes off a Dusk and a Berserker knocks him down. The three of us stagger to the middle of the portal, backs to one another.

"I think I liked it better when they were on my side." Axel pants, I swear I can palpably feel his exhaustion. He staggers into me and I catch him, though barely.

"You're telling me." I choke, right myself as Axel does the same. I need a Potion, or maybe ten to make it through this, my shoulders heave, my body aches. This was a bad move, so soon after healing, but this is what needs to be done. No matter what the cost, I remind myself. Even if it takes everything in me.

"Feeling a little…regret?" Sora raises an eyebrow. Axel shakes his head, chuckling. He squares his shoulder, rolling them back. For a second, I think he is rejuvenated, reenergized, ready. And then, he speaks.

"Nah, I can handle these punks. Watch this."

It's almost as though time freezes. It moves so slow, I think I'm able to see three steps ahead of everything. I can predict the future, I watch everything unfold and am utterly powerless.

But simultaneously, time moves too fast. It races by me, whipping through the spaces between my fingers so furiously that it tears the breath straight from my lungs, leaving me beaten and winded.

I cannot stop any of this. And I know it is going to happen the second the words leave his mouth.

Axel jumps, leaping high into the air, channeling every bit of his energy in an attack that I have not seen before. The move is brilliant, his Chakrams spin around him, spouting fire. Magma pools at edges of his being, and finally, it is all too much. He lets out a mighty roar, his arms and legs jerking as fire erupts, wiping out everything in its path. I grab Sora and throw him to the ground. Goofy yanks Donald down, covering the two of them with his shield. The fire burns too bright, too hot, dread grabs ahold of my stomach and rips it straight out of me.

"No!" A scream sears my throat, I leap off of Sora. My eyes are wide, darting around the portal, waiting for the blinding light to clear.

When it does, my nightmares become a reality.

At first, I am paralyzed. Panic stuns me, I cannot move, I cannot think, I just shriek, tears pouring down my face. This isn't real, this can't be happening. I have dreamt about this so many times. I'm going to wake up and everything is going to be alright. I am going to wake up and his arms are going to be so hot and so safe, wrapped tight around me. I am going to wake up.

But I don't, and I am all too aware of how cold this place has suddenly become.

Abruptly, without my mind willing them, my legs take off to where Axel lies, in the middle of everything, darkness and flames licking at the edges of his being, just like Zexion's.

"No! No! No!" I choke, flying over to him, skidding through the swirling portal on my knees. "No!" Tears crack my voice as I pound my fists into his chest. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Sorry, sweetheart." He breathes. "But I had to make it count. After all, I couldn't leave my girl here to suffer through a bunch of Nobodies. It's a shame though, I've played it out in my head a thousand times, this was the only way it ended with you coming out alive. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don't think we were ever meant to get a happy ending in this life. Maybe the next one." And he truly looks like he believes this. Miserable, broken and at peace all at the same time. I want to slap him, I want to punch him, I want to beat him until time moves in reverse and I can save him. My hands shake, palms twitching as I reach for a Potion.

"You can't leave me, you can't leave me, Axel I'm going to die without you." My voice rattles. I cannot think straight. The edges of my peripheral vision start to cloud from lack of oxygen. Or maybe I'm going to hyperventilate, but I can't even be bothered to care about my own wellbeing. He's fading, I've got to do something about it. I can't let that happen, there's no way, I just can't. He catches my wrist in his hand.

"Save it baby, you're gonna need that. You've gotta help Sora, help Roxas. Save the day." He encourages, like he truly believes he is nothing more than a blip on my radar. Like he truly believes he can disappear from my life without destroying me.

"Fuck you!" I scream.

"You're…you're fading away." Sora chokes, his voice breaking as he, Donald and Goofy approach. My body starts spasming, shaking violently as though I have been left out in the cold for so long. No. This isn't happening. I'm going to be sick. Sora reaches out for my arm, but I duck away. This can't be real, this can't be happening.

"Well, that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean? Not that Nobodies have beings." He chuckles, like he genuinely finds this funny. I am disgusted. "Anyway, I digress. Go find Kairi. She's in the castle dungeon. And I almost forgot. Sorry for what I did to her."

"When we find her, you can tell her yourself." Sora pleads.

"Think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one." His last ditch attempt at humor sends me spiraling wildly over the edge. I let out a blood curdling cry, my fists balled.

"You mother fucker, you don't have a heart to break but I do! I can't live without you, I love you! What the hell is going to happen to my heart without you?" I wail and suddenly, his face goes deadly serious. His eyes grow hard.

The air stills.

"Rueki, you don't have a heart."

The weight of his words crushes me.

At first, I think he's joking. There's got to be something, some loophole in this. I know what I've felt beating in my chest. I know all of the emotions that have coursed through me. What he's saying isn't possible. I know it isn't. I think to the nightmares of the little girl running. Don't leave me, Lea, and then, the Neo Shadow descending.

What if she didn't get away?

"What?"

"You haven't had a heart in nearly a decade, Rueks. I thought I saved you, I thought I gave my life to keep you alive when our world fell. But then, in Shibuya, you didn't almost die. You almost faded. I watch the darkness start to consume you, and I realized, I didn't have any of our past memorized. I must've blocked it out or something. Everything came rushing back. I didn't save you. The last thing I saw before I died was a Neo Shadow ripping the heart out of your chest." He murmurs, finally able to meet my gaze as he tells me about Shibuya. Axel has a tell, he always has. When he lies, he simply cannot make eye contact. But here he is now, those beautiful, green eyes blazing into me.

"You don't know what you're talking about, I've felt my heart beating in my chest." I insist, but I know he's right. Somehow, I know. There are pieces, connected, feelings that come rushing back. The overwhelming sensation that this is what has been hiding in the sealed room of my mind. The dark truth about my absence of a heart. This is what my mind was trying so hard to block out. I feel a rush of darkness wash over me as the levee breaks. It overwhelms me, I choke on a sob but then…there's nothing. Because this isn't new. This is what I've always been. No. No, no, no.

"Phantom sensations. We all get them. Nothing to be ashamed of. Then again, you couldn't feel shame if you wanted to, I guess. At the end of the day, we're just a bunch of Nobodies, you and me, sweetheart. You wanted to know the big secret I've been keeping from you all this time? It's that you've been one of us all along. Xemnas knew, but I put my nonexistence on the line to keep you out of it. I couldn't lose who you are, Rueki. You've always made me feel so alive. You and Roxas both, just made me feel like I had a heart. I knew the second I told you, you'd have done anything to get your heart back. You get such damn tunnel vision. I'd have lost you. Guess it was pretty selfish of me, but I couldn't stand the thought of that. I just wanted to keep you, just the way you are. I thought I could get Roxas back, get him to release Kingdom Hearts. Get our hearts back before you even knew yours was missing, and then just deal with the consequences later. I just…I couldn't stand to watch the person I love fade away. Not again. Not when I realized I failed you the first time."

And suddenly, everything makes sense. Axel holding me close, saying that he realized that he wasn't able to protect me. Axel's guilt. How angry he got when Xemnas wanted me to summon lesser Nobodies. How easily I caught onto it and how I didn't feel like my heart was growing darker. I wasn't using dark magic, I was flexing my powers as a Nobody. I didn't feel darkness growing in my heart because I don't have one in the first place. The sealed room cracking open won't break me, it will simply expose the awful truth about what I am.

Have I ever truly felt anything? Or has this all been entirely in my head?

My body vibrates, my wrist shaking in his fading hand.

"Why…that can't…" I choke out, but there is nothing I can say. Nothing that will change the truth. Nothing that will save him.

Darkness eats away, his legs disappear, his hand fades from my wrist, and suddenly, I don't feel the pressure on it.

"I know, it's hard. But that doesn't mean Sora can't get you your heart back." Axel's eyes flick to him. "After all, she never really was a part of this. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Don't you dare speak for me and try to take away from what my actions were. I made my choices, this wasn't all fate. Nothing controlled me. Fuck Xemnas, fuck Nobodies, fuck you! I'm still me!" My voice is ragged and heavy as my tears start to hammer against his fading chest like rain. "You fucking asshole, how could you keep this from me? Why the fuck would you tell me now? I hate you, I fucking hate you!"

"I love you too, Rueki." His remaining hand brushes my cheekbone. And suddenly, it's like he remembers Sora is standing right behind me. I remember for the first time too.

This has to be a dream. I'm going to wake up, it's all going to be fine.

With the wave of his hand, Axel opens up a portal that somehow, I can sense leads straight into The World That Never Was.

"Now go." He tells Sora.

"Axel…Rueki…" Sora looks so unlike Roxas as I look at him that I cannot bear the sight. No. If my best friend were here, this wouldn't be happening. We'd be safe, we'd have taken down Xemnas, the three of us. We could take down Xemnas, Xigbar and Saix. Luxord would stand down, for the first time it might be fair. For the first time—

But it doesn't matter.

Because the reality of the situation crashes onto me and I crumble, my cheek pressed to Axel's chest. He's getting colder and colder by the second.

"Don't leave me, Lea." I beg.

"Oh, sweetheart I'm not him. And you were right. About finding something worthy to die for. At the end of the day, you're the only thing that's ever been worth it to me. I failed you once, when we were kids, cuz I didn't know how to save you I'm not failing you again. Go, get your heart, back. If anyone deserves it, it's you. You've made me feel so much like I had one. Just do me a favor, try not to remember me like this. Remember the library. Remember the Destiny Islands. Remember the clock tower…" He trails off. "Got it memorized?"

He fades to nothing, leaving not even a single ash in his wake.

My cheek hits the icy, swirling floor of Betwixt and Between.

I don't wake up, I'm never going to.

"Rueki…" Sora whispers my name. He reaches out to touch my arm, and I rip away, responding like a frightened animal. After all, am I really that much different than one? I look to him, look to the portal, and then, at an inhuman speed, I take off.

I think to myself, I have no heart to tire, my shell can go for hours, Twilight knows what I have seen other Nobodies do. I have power beyond compare.

The icy rain of The World That Never Was hits me, hammering like a Tsunami as I stare up at the moon, in the shape of a perfect heart.

Perhaps the reason I had so many limitations before was because I told my brain I did. Perhaps the reason I thought I felt anything before was because I told myself I could.

I set a hand to my chest, where my heart should be.

Maybe it is a phantom sensation, but I swear I feel something beating.

And in the cold, constant rain of the city I have spent so much time, my choice becomes clear.

This has to mean something. Perhaps I don't exist.

But there is something I can do to make a change.

I take off into the Castle That Never Was and head for the throne room.

Funny how now that I know the dark is there, I have no trouble sensing them. What they are, what I am.

Nobody.

1. Like Real People Do- Hozier (R)
2. Follow You- Bring Me The Horizon (R)
3. Savior- Rise Against (A)
4. September- Daughtry
5. Hold Back The River- James Bay (A)
6. Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt (A)
7. Immortals- Fallout Boy (R)
8. Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood (A)
9. Collar Full- Panic! At The Disco (R)
10. Sanctuary- Utada Hikaru