Julius - Gran 779
My head was splitting. I swore my throat was shredded. My chest felt like thousands of knives had been stabbed into me and now each one was sloooooowly twisting. The coughing sounded less human and more like a dying animal hacking out its last breaths. Which I wasn't too far off. Each time one of these 'attacks' came, I knew I had lost a little more 'ground' in my fight. Lost another part. And Loptyr was one step closer…
A cool, translucent hand 'rested' on my head, and mimicked stroking my hair. All I could feel was the sensation of cold, but over the past four years, I had taken comfort in that coldness. So, when I stopped hacking, I forced myself to look up and smile. It was painful to smile, and tears slipped down my face. But I could see Mother. She was always here when this happened.
"I'm okay, Mother," I rasped to her. Her ghost, rather, since I killed her. I hadn't wanted to. I had tried to fight. But at the time, Loptyr had been too strong. "I'm okay." I wished I could make her smile, though. She looked at me so, so sadly as she stroked my hair, the only comfort she could give now. "I'm still here. I'm still me." For now, at least…
Another hacking fit hit me all at once, so fierce that I checked to see if I had literally coughed up my lungs. But when it subsided, Mother's ghost was still stroking my hair and now, there was another cold sensation, rubbing my back. It was a struggle to push myself up and smile at Sigurd's ghost, but I managed it before collapsing again, gasping for breath. I'd never known Sigurd in life, but I knew the stories. He'd been Mother's first husband, the father of my elder brother, Seliph. And he'd been blamed for the death of Grandfather, and executed in the main square. Despite that sad end, and despite Father being the one to kill him, Sigurd's ghost always sat with me when I needed comforting. He was just kind like that, and I appreciated it more than I could ever say. If not for him and Mother… if not for them, it was possible that Loptyr would've finished devouring me long ago.
Because that's what was happening. Loptyr was 'eating' my soul, in order to replenish His power. And he'd eat it all. I knew that. There was no way to stop it, and no way to fix it. From the moment He had taken His first 'bite', my end was inevitable. But I kept fighting anyway. Why? Because even if the end was inevitable, if you changed the timing of that end, then you changed fate itself. I knew that too. I knew, because of Aunt Alicia. She had known she was dying, and would die no matter what, and yet, she had held on for as long as she could. To spite Manfroy. To protect me. To protect all of us. To give us the foundations, and the guiding words to choosing our own paths. And when she died, it wasn't like she had been gone-gone. Though her ghost very rarely showed up in Belhalla, since she fretted over so many people even after dying, her legacy of protection lived on in Conall. Conall, who had kept me safe through the years. Me and Julia. And still tried to do so, even though...
Really, this was all my fault. I'd been the stupid one who had gone to help Manfroy despite my misgivings. That was why I couldn't give up. That was why I wouldn't just cede my body to Loptyr. I would fight Him with everything I had, until I was nothing more than a speck in a sea of consciousness. After all, while I was a failure of a prince, but these were still my people. I still had my duty to do everything I could to keep them safe, especially from the consequences of my own actions. No matter how much Loptyr took my emotions and twisted them to try and break me further, I would continue to fight. I might be His major, but I was a descendent of Saint Maera, Saint Heim, and Lady Fjalar. All of whom resisted Loptyr and his Vessels. Though all I could do was resist, really. Keep Loptyr's true awakening from happening for as long as I could until… until...
"It'll be okay…" I whispered again, this time more to myself. The simple words had become my prayer these past few years. "Seliph… Seliph will save me. Seliph will save Jugdral."
I didn't know much about Seliph. Just the rumors. Eldest son of Mother, true heir to the throne. Only child of Sigurd, the Holy Knight. One of the Scions of Light, the Prince and Heir to the Light's grace… all nonsense, really. I didn't pay the rumors mind. No, instead, I focused on one key thing. He was Conall's friend. Conall considered him a friend, family even, despite being separated for so long. And that told me that Seliph was kind. That Seliph was good. That Seliph was strong. So, I knew… I knew that Seliph would save me. Would save Jugdral. Would save Conall and Ishtar and Cyas and…
It was my fault that they needed to be saved. Especially Conall and Ishtar. Cyas was beginning to accept the inevitable, but not those two. No, Conall had always protected me, and so he continued trying, to the point of destroying his own health to research just one more book, to examine one more potential lead. And Ishtar loved me, so she didn't want to give up on me. She would stay and be my anchor to the light, even as I dragged her down into shadows. Stuck in the 'denial' phase of grief, and refusing to acknowledge anything else, no matter what. Though, they likely kept denying because… because they knew I was afraid. And I was. I was afraid. Though the denial was likely born from my fear. B-because, I was afraid. I was afraid of dying. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to live. There were so many things I wanted to do still. Books to read. People to meet. I wanted to live. I was scared of dying. Though, every year, dying became a little more tolerable. And if it was a choice between me dying and my people? Easy choice. No matter how scared I was. How terrified I was.
And, when I was gone, Conall and Ishtar could grieve and move on. Act on their feelings. Because I could see it. I wasn't blind, even if Loptyr scoffed at the thought. Loptyr often forgot that humans were capable of thinking, believing us to be little better than livestock. That was what killed Him before, and would kill Him again. People acting contrary to what He wanted or expected. But for now, it was protection for them, which I was glad for. Oh, sure, I was a bit sad and hurt that Ishtar was falling out of love with me, but given everything that had happened? Besides, I was content in knowing that she did love me once. And I just wanted her to be happy. I wanted all of them to be happy. My most precious people… Conall, Ishtar, Julia, Cyas… I wanted all of them to be happy. And it wasn't like I was going to be around anyway. Not for much longer. Either my body or spirit would give out. I couldn't fight forever. Just for as long as I could. As long as I could...
Just as always, I brought up a shaking hand and tried to kill myself. It was something I tried almost every time I had full control. But the magic wouldn't come, because Loptyr 'locked' it. 'Trapped' it within. He didn't want his precious Vessel dying, and so, He prevented my magic from being turned against me. And his damnable shield meant that bladed weapons at worst grazed me. Without the power of the Holy Weapons, especially the Book of Naga, Loptyr would keep 'me' alive. It was aggravating, that I couldn't fix my mistake myself. I just had to endure. Endure, and believe in Seliph. And Julia, wherever she was. I hoped she was safe. I hoped… I hoped I would get to apologize before...
"When I die, I can give you a proper hug, Mother." Things like that made the thought of dying easier. "And I can see Aunt Alicia again… meet Uncle Chulainn..." And with those thoughts, I drifted off to sleep, holding onto the warmth they brought as tightly as I could and taking comfort from the cold, comforting touch from Mother's ghost and Sigurd's.
'I' woke up when someone knocked on the door and 'I' yawned and rubbed at my eyes as it opened to reveal Conall. Conall, who smiled so tiredly yet warmly at 'me', despite knowing it wasn't really me anymore. Because he knew I was still there, and so, he continued burning himself out to give me light and warmth.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to make him promise to escape. Make him promise that he and Ishtar would leave Belhalla as soon as possible and escape from the chains I accidentally bound them with. Run away, and grieve. Run away, and find their happiness again.
But, as always, 'I' didn't say any of that. Instead, the thing that wore my face like a mask, wore my body like a costume, simply smiled and ran over to hug Conall, laughing over what we would do today.
Gods, if you are still here, please hear and grant this desperate prayer. Let my loved ones survive and be happy. Please...
Author's Notes: So, have a Julius? Aha? Figured it would be a good idea to showcase him, given… everything.