Notes:
Thanks to starstruck4moony for your great ideas! You are a real star :D
Chapter 2: Maybe I Waited too Long
Sirius didn't hear another word of the rest of the Induction. He was back in England, years younger, thinking back to a particular night...
Eight Years Earlier...
"I love the Med Ball!" Marlene shouted at Sirius across the noisy function room.
All the tables and chairs had been pushed aside and the students were migrating to the dance floor.
"Yeah, why so?" Sirius asked.
He was drinking a Manhattan at the edges of the dance floor, waving his glass vaguely in the direction of the dancers.
"Scandal, Sirius, scandal, and lots of it!" said Marlene, laughing uproariously as she downed her gin and tonic. "Speaking of which, anything you want to tell me?"
Sirius snorted.
"No fucking way! You?"
"Well, I've got my eye on a certain Beauty but I'm not telling you!" she flashed back. "What about James and Lily? What are you betting they're snogging by the end of the night?"
"Please, it would take a miracle to get any action out of those two, Mc Kinnon!" He said, rolling his eyes.
"Point taken!" said Marlene sighing. "And you? Got your eye on anyone in particular?"
Sirius' eyes darted furtively to where Remus Lupin stood talking to another classmate, Mary Mc Donald. He looked well in his tux, Sirius thought, the cut of the suit emphasizing his slim frame. He was tall, taller than most people there, and Sirius was once more drawn to his poignant smile and soulful green eyes. He had done nothing but stare at Remus since they had arrived.
"No, nobody in particular," he lied, looking into his glass and throwing back his head, finished the cocktail in one go.
"Holy shit, Sirius!" Marlene gasped. "You're not looking for some Dutch courage to go and chat up Nicola Greengrass, are you?"
"I'm not even going to deign that with a reply!" Sirius said loftily, grimacing as the bitter taste of Angostura hit the back of his throat.
"Well you've never not snogged someone at the Med Ball before, so hurry up, I'm bored!" Marlene pouted, staring at her empty glass. "You always end up going home with someone. And while you're at it, get your rich arse over to the bar and buy me a drink, will ya?"
Sirius gave a short laugh, shoving Marlene playfully.
"Bloody obnoxious, Mc Kinnon!" he said. "You only want me for my money!"
"Hmm, definitely true! Pity I'm not your type!" she retorted merrily, sitting down heavily and crossing her legs defiantly. "I'd definitely have bagged you by now! Hard to know who your type is, you never seem to stick with anyone, do you?"
"Drink coming up!" said Sirius, who evaded all talk about his love life with a barge pole.
He glanced over at Remus again as he waited for the round of drinks. Remus Lupin. He had never met anyone like him in his entire life. Sirius never had a problem talking to anyone, but he couldn't string two words together in front of Lupin without sounding like an idiot, and he could never think of anything to say to him. Which didn't mean that he hadn't tried through the years to get to know Remus. He had tried his best to befriend him, but Remus Lupin did not make friends, at least not in his class. He wasn't exactly rude to Sirius, he always answered all his stupid questions politely and even smiled at him occasionally. And he could even be sassy at times and funny, dreadfully funny, to the point that Sirius had been kicked out of a lecture for laughing so loudly at the dry comments coming out of the corner of Remus' supposedly innocent mouth. It was probably true that of all his classmates, Sirius was one of the people who knew Remus best. James said Sirius was Remus' only friend in the entire class. But he hardly ever sought him out. It was very one-sided, Sirius thought, feeling deflated. And why was he even so obsessed with Remus? Why was his friendship so bloody important to him?
He had been staring at Remus all that time, and musing about how fit he was, and that was just not right. It was frankly weird.
"I'm heading out for a quick smoke, Marls," he said, handing Marlene her drink.
"Cheers," said Marlene absently, following his retreating figure with a small frown.
…..
It was a warm night, and Sirius shrugged off his jacket and leaned against the stone wall, cigarette in hand, contemplating the stars. He was definitely well on the way to being quite pissed by now. He could breathe more easily out here, not plagued by doubts about why he cared so much about Remus' opinion of him. Why did he have those embarrassing dreams about him, imagined himself doing things to Remus, things a platonic friend would definitely not be interested in doing? Imagine if Remus found out? It would be mortifying, he could never know. At these rare times when he allowed himself to think, he felt confused, like there was something missing in his life, and gnawing doubts about himself circled his mind… so he drank a bit more to drown out these inconvenient thoughts.
"Taking a break?"
He whipped round and stared. Remus was standing quietly next to him, hands in his pockets, staring ahead.
"Er, yeah," he said, searching Remus' face for any clues, and cursing himself silently. He was so bloody lacking in eloquence around this fellow.
"Me too," Remus replied, sharing a sudden warm smile with him, his soft curls surrounding his tired face like a halo in the starlight.
Sirius felt his breath catch at the sight, sure that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
"I.. do you want a smoke? Or a drink?" he asked, trying to mask his nerves, and holding his glass out towards Remus, his grey eyes widening perceptively.
"No, I'm good, thanks," Remus laughed quietly, a playful glint in his eyes that Sirius had never noticed before.
"Alright," said Sirius, desperately trying to think of something to keep Remus outside as long as possible.
"What really brings you out here?" Remus asked, looking at Sirius intently.
"Er, getting away from Marls... she was trying to set me up with Nicky Greengrass," said Sirius, making a face.
Remus laughed again.
"And who are you interested in, Sirius?" he asked softly.
Sirius opened his mouth, and stopped, unable to speak.
You, he wanted to say, just you.
The realisation hit him quite unexpectedly. He felt unable to breathe, stunned. He was head -over-heels smitten with Remus. There was no doubt about it.
"I…" he tried, staring at Remus.
"Fuck, you look so well tonight! I knew it was a bad idea following you out here. Look at your puppy-dog eyes! I'd say you could get someone to agree to practically anything with that look, Sirius!" said Remus, looking shy all of a sudden, as he glanced down at his shoes momentarily.
"A bad idea? You think?" he asked, feeling out of breath.
"I know," replied Remus wryly, looking up quickly. "It was the way you were looking at me. I couldn't stop myself."
Sirius could see the slight blush on his cheeks despite the pale light.
"I'd like…" Sirius hesitated, his heart thumping aloud in his chest, moving towards Remus a fraction.
"Yes?" Remus was staring back at him now, his pupils wide, leaning slightly towards him.
"I think..." he whispered huskily.
"You're so beautiful," Remus said.
The pale light played with Sirius' dress shirt and the angles of his jaw and cheekbones.
An aching feeling stole over Sirius and he exhaled.
"You …" he tried to put the feeling into words.
Remus' slender finger touched his lips.
"Damn it all, I'm going to kiss you now, alright?" Remus interrupted him.
"Yes," Sirius pleaded, sighing into him.
Remus kissed him slowly and deeply. It filled Sirius with a longing and desire he had never felt before. He trembled as Remus' fingers played with his hair and then moved to his neck and pulled them closer together.
"Remus, Remus," he was repeating the name, over and over, overcome with emotion.
"I'm here," Remus murmured against him, bringing their foreheads together, their breaths heavy now.
"Don't stop," Sirius said weakly, pressing himself closer to Remus, desperate for his touch.
"I'm here," came Remus' breathless reply, in between planting kisses to Sirius' jaw and throat.
Those words filled him with dizzy hope, and almost overcome with desire, he whispered hoarsely back.
"You… you're all I want… just you."
"I've waited so long," Remus murmured into his ear. "I tried not to like you, I tried so hard, but tonight I couldn't stop myself."
Sirius felt himself unravelling.
He had no idea how long they stayed there, but he knew he had never felt so good, and he never wanted it to end.
…..
His mind was still in a haze when he wandered back into the building later, looking slightly dishevelled, a rapt smile still plastered on his face. Remus had made a strange excuse, saying he needed to get something in his car, and that he'd see him back inside. As he passed by the men's toilets, he walked past Evan Rosier and Severus Snape, two class mates who he absolutely couldn't stand.
The feeling was mutual.
"Well, well, Sirius Black," said Evan, regarding him smugly. "I'm sure your parents would love to hear what you were up to tonight!"
Sirius glared at him.
"What do you mean? Fuck off!"
"Oh you know what I mean, Black," continued Evan smiling in a sinister fashion. "Our families are very friendly as you know, I don't think your parents would be too pleased to hear that their son and heir is a pathetic faggot, would they?
Sirius swallowed. Dread and fear lurched in his abdomen. His parents would literally kill him if they found out.
"I'm not a fucking faggot, you bastard!" he spat out vehemently, grabbing Evan by his shirt collar and flinging him against the wall.
"Calm down, Black," hissed Severus, regarding him with mild disgust. "Rumour has it that you were seen with that sickly loner Lupin… with your tongue down his throat…"
"Leave Lupin out of this," warned Sirius, his voice dangerously low.
"Why don't you like us talking about Lupin? He's a weirdo, a loser, a nobody, and he's completely gay. You can get beaten up for that quite easily. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he got roughed up a bit, if the right sort of people got to hear about it," Severus scoffed, enjoying the look of horror in Sirius' face.
"How dare you threaten him like that! He is not a loser!" yelled Sirius, a paroxysm of rage overtaking him, as he punched Severus in the face. "And he's not fucking gay!"
He went to punch Severus again, his face distorted with fury, he could vaguely make out a commotion around them, before he felt someone grabbing him and pulling him away.
"Sirius, stop it! Fucking hell!" James was shouting at him, but the voice seemed to come from far away.
Sirius ignored James and tried to punch Severus again.
"Sirius!" James looked horrified. Severus' nose was pumping blood and he knew Sirius would be in even deeper trouble unless he intervened immediately.
"Stop it Sirius!"
He placed himself in front of Severus, and seconds later Sirius' fist had collided with the side of his face, and he fell to the floor.
"James!" with a jolt Sirius crashed back into reality and stared at his fallen friend, sinking to the floor beside him. "James, shit! James! Answer me!"
"Fucking lunatic!" said Evan contemptuously, turning to Severus. "Let's find Professor Slughorn and tell him exactly what happened."
Severus looked shaken, holding the bridge of his bloodied nose. He nodded grimly and followed Evan out.
"I never asked for that fucker's help! You can tell him that, I didn't need his help!" he said, turning back to glare down at James' unconscious figure with undisguised hostility.
Sirius wasn't listening to a word Severus said, guilt and shame washing over him till he felt like he was about to break.
"James! Wake up! Call an ambulance!" he shouted to a fellow fifth year medical student, who had stopped to help and had placed James in the recovery position.
"Is he breathing?" Sirius choked.
"Course I'm breathing, you idiot!" muttered James, coming around, and groaning as he tried to lift his head up and failed.
"Fuck Prongs, I'm so sorry!" said Sirius wretchedly, grabbing James' hand and squeezing it tightly.
"I can see that," snorted James, as he saw Sirius' distraught face blurring in and out of focus.
"Thank God you're alright! Fuck, I'm so sorry!"
"S'fine," said James dismissively. "How's Snape?"
"I don't give a fuck!" replied Sirius defiantly, tensing his fists again.
"You should!" said James, shooting him a reproachful look. "You could be before the College's Disciplinary Committee because of this!"
"I don't care, you didn't hear what they said…" Sirius glared, looking away momentarily.
"No excuse, Sirius!" James snapped back, sitting up onto his elbows gingerly.
He had the beginnings of a black eye, discolouration and swelling which was painful to touch.
"I'm sorry," said Sirius again, watching James with great discomfort. "I'll come in the ambulance with you, I'll tell them it was my fault."
"I'm not going anywhere in an ambulance!" James said flatly. "I'm completely fine, just help me get up and we'll order a taxi, I don't think we need any more excitement for one night."
Which was how he had found himself back at Grimmauld Place, nursing a bad hangover and brooding over what had happened. He hadn't gone to bed at all, the sun was now up and he could hear London waking up to a glorious spring day. There was no point in denying it any more, he was definitely not straight, and mostly he fancied men. And one man in particular, for ages, it seemed. Of course he had known, for a long time, but he had buried it deep inside, afraid of the consequences if he came out. He hadn't even confided in James, or Peter, his best friends. But after tonight things had to change. If he wanted things to work out with Remus, he owed it to him to be truthful, and he wasn't going to hide who he was any more. He felt weak and cowardly now for how he had reacted to Rosier and Snape's taunts, and ill at ease about his aggressive reaction, although he felt a lot worse about hurting James. His parents though, they were going to freak out completely. He had had many a row with his parents about rights for the LGBTQA+ community, mixed in with countless other rows, and he shuddered to think how they would react to hear his news.
He heard footsteps descending the spiral staircase of his ancestral home and he stood up, bracing himself, as the door of sitting room opened swiftly.
"Sirius," his mother's tone was dismissive, disappointed almost, as though she secretly hoped he had been replaced by another son while she slept.
"Mother," he replied quietly, his voice sticking in his throat.
"Your Father and I have to travel to New York on business tonight, we shan't be back for a week or so, Kreacher is aware and will be in charge here while we are gone, is that clear?"
He nodded, feeling sick and anxious. His Father entered the room and eyed him up and down with displeasure, which he did not attempt to hide.
"You were out in public looking like that?" he sneered coldly, taking in his dishevelled, long hair and untucked shirt, as well as the splatters of blood on his sleeve.
Sirius didn't answer him, but he felt the tension in his jaw tighten.
"You have always been a source of deep disappointment to me Sirius," Orion Black complained bitterly. "However, your cousin Bella had some excellent news for us yesterday which you missed. She has agreed to take on the role of Chief Financial Officer at Slytherin Pharmaceuticals."
"I see," he said. "You must be proud."
"Very proud," agreed Orion. "She's very talented despite her young age. And she and Regulus have agreed to attend the launch of the new UK Nationalist Liberation Party, where a large media presence is expected. This family has been secretly contributing to the party and will continue to do so into the future, it's views and policies are exactly in keeping with our own values. I shall expect you to attend as well, you shall be representing me."
Sirius blanched.
"Do you mean the new far-right, fascist party?"
"Of course I do, what did you think, boy?" His father was clearly irritated by Sirius' pointless question.
Sirius felt his mouth go dry, digging his nails into the palms of his hand. It was now or never.
"About that, Father," he said, his voice faltering slightly. "I thought it fair that you should both be aware of… that you should know…"
He stopped, took a deep breath and thought of Remus in the starlight.
"I want to date a guy in my class, I'm definitely not straight," he blurted out.
There was a stunned silence. Sirius' anxiety levels skyrocketed. The silence continued. Until Sirius felt compelled to speak again.
"Did you, did you hear that?" he asked, hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as he thought.
"No. I don't think I heard that correctly," said Orion, and his tone of voice was frightening. "What did you say?"
Shit. He was so dead. But he repeated it anyway.
"I'm not straight, I'm going to-"
His mother sometimes lost the plot, she would slap him across the face for his insolence, his disgraceful behaviour, comparing him to his brother Regulus who was so much better in every respect. He had learnt to live with it, make up excuses so his friends wouldn't realise what was going on. He was an adult, for crying out loud, he felt shame when he thought about it. His father though, his father was far more dangerous.
"Get out," said Orion, his voice so quiet he had to strain his ears to hear him.
Sirius swallowed. Immobile.
"I said, get out. Now. I never want to see you in my house ever again."
There was cold fury in his voice.
"If you think we are going to pay for your college fees, and maintain you, or let you have any part of this family's wealth…"
Orion trailed off. He moved towards the monitor on the wall and pressed the button.
"Kreacher, there is someone here who needs to be escorted off the premises. Immediately."
He paused and glanced at Sirius with uncontained disgust.
"If he doesn't leave willingly, call security," he added. "And he is banned from approaching this building from now on. Get a Restraining Order out against him. Today"
"Very good, Sir," Kreacher's oily tones crackled on the speaker.
Sirius looked at him in shock.
"You.. what… where do I go?"
"After your disgusting behaviour? I have no idea and no interest. Leave!" Orion said tonelessly.
Sirius looked bewildered at his mother.
"You heard your father. You're not wanted here," she said coldly.
"But…" Sirius wavered.
He hadn't noticed Regulus, his perfect younger brother, standing half hidden by the door. In his designer clothes, sleeves symmetrically rolled up, spotless canvas shoes, same grey eyes staring back at him, blending into the furniture perfectly, his clothes the same tone as the walls.
"I'll take care of it, Father," Regulus was saying, in a cool, collected tone.
"Reg, wait… I just…" Sirius stammered.
"You better leave now," Regulus was saying, guiding him out of the room and into the hall, his touch gentler now. "Please, go, please!"
Regulus looked terrified for him, Sirius vaguely registered, as he spotted his college rucksack. Regulus picked it up immediately and steered him outside the front doors, and down the stone steps, hiding it swiftly behind a large bush, one eye glued to the window.
"Get someone to pick it up tonight, I'll try to stick some of your stuff in," he whispered urgently, shoving a wad of banknotes into his hand.
"Where will I go?" Sirius asked.
He hadn't realised he was crying till that moment.
Regulus hailed a passing taxi for him and pushed him inside.
"Take him to Godric's Hollow, it's not far from Knightsbridge, he knows the way," he said curtly to the taxi-driver, handing him a large note to make it worth his while.
…
He had never spoken to Remus since that night. Remus had completely ignored him and refused to have anything to do with him.
Just like his family.
Hadn't even seen him in years. And now he was working with Remus in the same hospital.
He banged his head quietly onto the ledge in front of him, cursing internally, hoping the acoustics were shite.
He was so screwed.
...
Notes:
Updates will be a bit slow due to family stuff going on... any comments or ideas really welcome!