Warning - stigmatising attitudes towards mental health from 2 characters (which I completely hate, see end of chapter)

Chapter 5: I Could Fall

"Hey – Sirius, James! It's over!" said Peter, elbowing James.

He noted James' slightly disorientated expression.

"Induction? You weren't paying attention to any of it, were you?" he laughed.

"Huh?" James came back to the present slowly, trying to ignore the emptiness that often hit him when he allowed himself to think about the past. "Yeah, never mind, you'll fill me in if needs be, won't you?"

Peter rolled his eyes.

"Course I will, as usual! You can count on me to bail you out!"

"I know, you've never let me down," said James, with a warm smile. "Thank you. For everything."

"Hey, don't go getting all soppy on us!" said Sirius, standing up and stretching loudly, his eyes scanning the room intently. "Now what?"

"You best head to the ED, and I'll show James where to go," said Peter, squeezing out of the row of seats. "Don't forget, pint after work to celebrate the reunion of the infamous Marauders!"

"Pints," Sirius corrected him, undoing his bun momentarily and shaking his hair out. "Count me in. I've a feeling we'll need it!"

His stomach was still doing backflips since Remus' name had been mentioned, and he ached to set eyes on him, the thought filling him with a mixture of dread and longing.

"Right, excellent!" grinned Peter. "See you later, Pads. Shite, I better start calling you Sirius or it'll confuse everyone!"

"Hmm, you just don't want us to call you Wormy in front of your new mates!" Sirius winked. "Who are you trying to impress?"

Peter blushed profusely.

"Fuck off," he groaned. "I'm regretting you coming here already!"

"Oh I'll find out, don't you fret, Mr. Pettigrew!" Sirius barked a short laugh. "I'll fill you in on the Pettigrew gossip this evening, Prongs!"

"James, not Prongs!" huffed Peter.

"Yeah, sure, no problem, Wormy!" James grinned cheekily.

"James!" warned Peter.

"Later, Prongs!" called Sirius loudly, laughing at Peter shushing him as he disappeared after James.

He pulled his hair back into a tight bun and turned to leave, arms still in the air. His elbow collided with something hard and he watched in disbelief as he saw Remus curse and fall backwards onto the floor, spouting blood from a nosebleed.

"Oh fuck! Fucking hell!" he cried out, dropping to the floor immediately.

Without thinking, he reached over and gripped Remus' arm.

"I'm so sorry Remus!" he said. "Are you alright?"

"I've been better," Remus remarked drily, holding onto the bridge of his nose to stem the bleeding.

"Right," said Sirius, his voice shaking. "Sorry."

He knew he was staring at Remus. Embarrassed, and annoyed at himself, he spoke without thinking:

"So. How have you been?"

He watched Remus raise his right eyebrow and regard him impassively.

"Alright," he answered.

Sirius swallowed nervously. He couldn't read Remus at all, had no idea what he was thinking in that instant.

"Do you want to come for a drink with us after work tonight?" he blurted out, playing with his watch strap.

Oh fuck, that was a stupid, stupid thing to say at this juncture, he thought. Remus seemed to become flustered then, his pale face slightly flushed.

"No thank you, I'm busy tonight," he answered somewhat breathlessly.

Sirius had never been very good at controlling his feelings and he wanted to kick himself for the obvious flicker of disappointment that flashed across his face.

"No problem, another time," he said, this time successfully keeping his tone casual.

"Sure, maybe," muttered Remus with a sigh.

He looked annoyed, as though the invitation were an imposition. A chore. Sirius' heart sank. He's not interested in you, he doesn't even seem to like you.

"Whatever," he shrugged, standing back up suddenly.

Remus held his gaze and nodded, his lips pursed together tightly.

Damn Remus. Damn his bloody soulful eyes and damn his bloody slim figure and damn his bloody sad aura, thought Sirius, cursing inwardly.

"Do you need a hand up," he asked somewhat roughly, trying to disguise his true feelings.

Remus shook his head and got up unsteadily.

"See you around, Lupin," Sirius said, looking up at him, his voice sounding distant and detached.

"Sirius," Remus gave a curt nod.

Sirius walked off. He was furious with himself and furious with Remus. What had he ever done to Remus? Why did Remus seem to hate him? Why was his heart in his mouth, why was he as desperately in love with Remus as he had been eight years ago? He was going to have to cop the fuck on if he was going to survive working with him for the next six months at least.

Fine. If Remus wanted nothing to do with him? He'd give him what he wanted. If Remus despised him? He'd treat him the same. Scowling darkly, he made his way down to the ED, muttering to himself.

…..

"The Liaison Psychiatry Department is this way," Peter said, glancing at his watch. "I don't want to be late for my team's ward round with Dr. Mulciber. He goes mad if anyone is late. He's scary as fuck! If the Hepatology outpatient clinic doesn't run late I could text you to see if you have time to grab a ten-minute lunch?"

"Sure, thanks Wor- sorry, Pete!" James replied, grateful to have company.

"Er, James, there was one other thing I meant to tell you," Peter said, looking nervously at his friend.

"Oh?" said James, spotting this immediately. "Go on, spit it out! It can't be as bad as the Lily Evans thing anyway."

"It kinda is," said Peter, his voice squeaking a bit.

"As bad as that?" said James. "Impossible."

He smiled ruefully.

"As bad as Lily Evans? That's frightfully rude, isn't it?"

They heard a snide, posh voice behind them snigger.

"So, he's changed from being obsessed with Evans to hating her? I must fill her in, she'll be relieved. She was disgusted when she spotted him today," a nasal voice sneered.

James easily recognised the two.

Peter gulped.

"Shit. This is what I was talking about," he stuttered, stepping backwards.

James turned around and found himself face to face with Evan Rosier and Severus Snape.

"Well fuck," said James, keeping his voice calm and steady. "Peter, this day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"

Peter made a small whimpering sound.

"Potter," said Rosier, sounding like he had swallowed a cockroach.

"Rosier," said James pleasantly. "Still a dickhead I see."

Rosier and Snape scowled at him, eyes narrowing.

"Keep away from her if you know what's good for you, Potter!" Snape said, curling his lip in disgust.

"You beginning to sound very repetitive. You can tell her I've no intention of going anywhere near her, Snivellus!" James answered, working hard to keep his tone even.

"You better not, I wouldn't like Black's superiors to hear about what he did to me, or how you were involved," Snape's lips curled into a twisted smile.

James clenched his jaw. He knew Snape had no proof that either of them was involved in the attack he had sustained, but Lily might be asked to back up Snape's story, which she believed. What he wouldn't give to be able to punch that bastard in the face! Stop, breathe, he forced himself to use the strategies he had learnt in his training.

"Like I said, I have no interest in bothering Evans, even if you haven't outgrown your unrequited obsession," said James, appraising him coldly.

He couldn't help feeling pleased that he had struck a nerve as he noted the livid look on Snape's face.

"Peter," he said, jerking his head towards the door.

He watched as his friend scurried away gratefully.

"I presume you have places to be?" he said, folding his arms, and looking down at the two shorter men.

"Come on, let's go, Severus," said Rosier snootily. "We've wasted enough time on this sad bastard as it is."

"He's a psychiatrist, pathetic," said Snape, as he turned his back on James. "Why am I not surprised. That's not even proper medicine! It's for losers."

"Loser!" scoffed Rosier, as the two began walking away. "He probably couldn't get on another training scheme. You'd want to be mad to waste your time treating psych cases, I can't stand them, bunch of weirdos! My heart sinks when I have to admit one under us!"

Snape laughed quietly, half turning to catch the disgusted look on James' face.

"Seeing as he nearly dropped out of medicine, and only passed his finals because people felt sorry for him after his parents died, I doubt he had any choice but to aim low?" Snape said. "His career prospects were doomed from the start."

Rudeness and threats towards himself, he could deal with. Less so if they involved Sirius. But stigmatising attitudes towards mental illness, especially by other doctors? James willed himself to walk away. Just about. He doubted he would last six months in this place without socking one of them.

"Fuck them!" he said out loud, unable to hold back.

"Janey mac, I agree with you! Those two are right eejits, aren't they?" said a booming voice behind him.

James turned to see a giant of a man with a broad beard rolling his dark eyes with disapproval.

"I'm Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid, head of security here in St. Godric's," he said, extending a massive hand out to James. "Everyone calls me Hagrid, I'm not fond of Rubeus!"

"James, James Potter, Psych Registrar," James said, looking up and taking the other man's hand.

"I may not be a brain surgeon, but it doesn't take much to know those two are massive wankers!" said Hagrid, shaking his head. "Don't mind them, doc!"

James ran his hand through his hair.

"You'd be surprised how often I've seen doctors stigmatising mental illness, and patients with mental health issues, and staff working in the field," he said despondently.

He wanted to have a good rant about this, but he felt it would be unprofessional to discuss it further, so he kept quiet.

"It's alright, James, say no more!" said Hagrid knowingly, clapping a huge hand onto James' shoulder. "There's bastards working in medicine, same as any other profession!"

"Tell me about it! Thanks Hagrid," said James, giving him a quick smile. "No Health Without Mental Health, eh?"*

"Very true, James, very true!" agreed Hagrid solemnly. "I couldn't agree more. I'm glad to have you with us here in St. Godric's, I'm sure I'll bump into you occasionally in the ED."

"You know, I went through a bout of severe depression meself," continued Hagrid, awkwardly twirling his ID badge. "Don't know why I'm telling you this, I've only told a few people in all my years here. It was ages ago. I was training to be a Guard**. Some money went missing in the Garda training college and then they found out someone was also taking bribes from local big shots – to write off drunk driving charges and that. I was framed, but I couldn't prove it. Got dismissed. I took it very bad. Ended up in the Psychiatric Unit, St. Helga's. Professor Mc Gonagall helped me a lot, she was only a junior doctor at the time. She put me in touch with Professor Dumbledore. Great man, Dumbledore. He managed to get me a job here working in security, no idea how he did it. I've never let them down."

"That's awful, Hagrid!" said James, looking up at him indignantly. "So they never caught the bastard who framed you?"

Hagrid shook his head and smiled.

"No, they didn't," he said. "I've made my peace with it now. Not an easy thing, mind you!"

"Accepting an injustice is never easy. It's hard. One of the hardest things. I know that, Hagrid," said James, feeling a new-found respect for this gentle giant.

He thought about how angry he still felt at times when he thought about the lies that Snape had told Lily. He thought he had "radically accepted" it, a difficult skill to help emotional dysregulation, one he had learnt in his training. But today he doubted it.

"I'm sorry," he said after a pause, as a range of emotions flashed across his face.

"You're a good man, James," said Hagrid, smiling at him warmly. "I feel better after talking to you, only one other person here knows about it, aside from the two Profs. I think Mc Gonagall is going to like you a lot!"

"Oh, she's still working here?" said James.

"Yep!" grinned Hagrid. "She's the head of St. Helga's Unit. She's your boss, James!"

James grinned back.

"Thanks, mate!" he said.

Hagrid watched him disappear into the door of St. Helga's, as the person who had come up behind him watched in silence. She had heard the entire conversation.

"One of the new docs starting today, Lily," said Hagrid, finally turning to her. "Seems very decent…"

Lily was still staring at the place where James had been standing.

"He really does," she agreed.

"You sound a bit confused or surprised?" Hagrid asked.

"Yeah, it's just… I don't know what to believe anymore, who to believe…" she said quietly.

The look on James' face when he had talked about accepting injustice, surely that related to things he was feeling himself? What if Severus had made up the entire story about the assault being related to James and Sirius? What if Snape had lied to sever her relationship with James? What if she had misjudged him? What if he was innocent? Her hand strayed up to her chest as felt a tightness in her throat and found she needed to remind herself to breathe. Her hands tingled, and her heart was racing now.

What if… ?

"Heard something bad about him? Don't believe all malicious gossip you hear," huffed Hagrid. "Give him a chance to defend himself. Make up your own mind."

"I may be too late," Lily said, more to herself than anyone else.

"I like him," said Hagrid stubbornly. "And I'm usually right. It's from hanging around with all my pets, you see, their intuition rubs off on me, like."

Lily snorted.

"Uh-huh!" she said teasingly, glad to be distracted from her thoughts. "So if your pet python or tarantula takes a liking to someone, you'd vouch for them?"

Hagrid nodded.

"Yeah. Even better if Fang likes them, then they're definitely grand!" he said.

"Fang hardly likes anyone, he's the grumpiest dog ever!" Lily countered, laughing. "He likes Mc Gonagall, he just about tolerates Dumbledore. Same with Frank, and Alice, and they're sweeties!"

"He likes you," retorted Hagrid proudly. "I've a good mind to bring him in some day and get James to meet him. Prove you wrong!"

She was lost in thought and she seemed quite agitated, Hagrid noticed.

"I'd like that," she said after a pause, cheeks slightly flushed.

…..

The thought played on her mind all day, repeating in a never- ending refrain:

What if… ?

…..

"What do you think, Sirius? Unusual symptoms in a twenty-year old with no past medical history?"

Sirius turned to nurse Fenwick. From what he had seen of him today he seemed a very hard working, capable nurse. He also had a wide, friendly smile and Sirius knew they were going to get on very well.

"You're right. She's very unwell - high fever, diaphoresis, agitation, hyperreflexia, atrial fibrillation, respiratory distress, diarrhoea. I think it could be a thyroid storm**, I'm waiting for bloods to come back but I'm fairly certain. It's got a high mortality rate. I better tell Dr. Moody, and I'll contact the endocrinology Team straight away."

"I'll chase up those bloods," said Benjy, looking concerned.

Sirius nodded gratefully and walked over to Dr. Moody, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. Moody had met them all earlier and he was as intimidating as he was impressive. He had previously worked in the Irish army medical corps and served abroad on UN missions, until his leg was blown off during his time serving with the UN in Bosnia and Herzegovina during the war in the 1990s. Sirius could see he took no shit and was an excellent doctor. He really wanted to make a good impression.

"Good call, Dr. Black, excellent," said Moody gruffly, talking in all the information Sirius had presented. "Any delay and that twenty-year-old could have died."

"She's not out of the woods yet," said Sirius, trying to remain modest.

"That's true!" barked Moody. "Constant vigilance! That's my motto, I suggest you make it yours."

"Yes Sir!" said Sirius.

"Dr. Moody will do," replied the consultant, suppressing an eye roll. "You better bleep the Endocrinology team. Call Dr. Lupin, he knows what he's doing. One of the better Senior Registrars."

Sirius blanched.

"Well go on! Stop staring at me and get on with it!" Moody said, shooing him away.

Sirius walked back to the nurses' station and bleeped Remus' number. He took a few steadying breaths and gripped the stethoscope with his left hand as the phone rang. Benjy, who had been looking at him throughout this, raised his eyebrows as Sirius answered the phone.

"Yes, Dr. Lupin, I bleeped you, it's Sirius Black," he said, his voice curt and bordering on rude. "Patient in the ED with probable thyrotoxic crisis, needs to be admitted ASAP, probably to the high dependency unit. Bloods not all back yet. I've started her on IV fluids, antipyretics, antibiotics and treating her AFib. You should let your consultant know."

He paused and waited as there was silence on the line.

"Lupin!" he said sharply. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes, thank you, loud and clear," Remus' sarcastic voice answered back levelly.

"Fine," said Sirius, scowling down the phone. "Her name's Aisling, Aisling Brady."

The line went dead. Sirius stared in disbelief.

"Fucking hell, Lupin!" he muttered to himself angrily, as he slammed down the phone.

"Problem?" Benjy asked smoothly, a small smirk on his face.

"None whatsoever!" Sirius replied darkly, picking up the next file and scanning it moodily.

"Do you know Dr. Lupin from before?"

"Possibly," Sirius said, behind gritted teeth.

"I'm intrigued!" said Benjy, grinning to himself.

"Don't be," Sirius replied, as Benjy suppressed a snort.

Sirius saw Remus arrive into the ED a short while later, looking tired and with a few drops of dried blood on his shirt, which made Sirius wince. He handed Remus the file and was about to say something, but Remus sighed and turned away without even looking him in the eye. He busied himself with writing up his notes on the elderly man with pneumonia he had just examined, listening intently to Remus' conversation with Benjy in the cubicle behind him.

"Dr. Black was wonderful, such a lovely doctor!" said Mrs. Brady, smiling at Benjy. "Thank God he figured out what was wrong with Aisling so quickly. Is she going to be alright?"

"I hope so," said Remus, who had finished examining the patient, who had an oxygen mask on. "She's still very unwell though, so we'll have to bring her to the more intensive ward for admission. She'll be very well looked after, Mrs. Brady, and you can stay with her as long as you like. We need to arrange a few more tests, but we can do them once she's admitted."

He turned to the patient and smiled reassuringly.

"I'm glad you're on the right treatment, Aisling, we'll have you on the ward in no time, don't worry. Benjy will take you up and make sure the everyone knows exactly what the plan is, and I'll see you in a while too, yeah?"

Aisling smiled back gratefully.

Remus excused himself and walked out with Benjy, talking quietly until Sirius heard his own name being mentioned.

"They seemed very taken with Dr. Black," said Benjy. "very charming and very good at his job, according to them."

"Yes, Dr. Black was always very good at the charm," said Remus.

Somehow, he had managing to make it sound like a flaw, Sirius thought, feeling thoroughly annoyed.

"Not a criticism that could be levelled at you, Lupin!" he retorted haughtily in his poshest accent, his chiselled features radiating contempt as he looked up from his notes.

Remus turned and looked at him blankly for a few seconds, not deigning him with a reply.

"You were saying?" he addressed Benjy, who was trying to keep a straight face as he saw Sirius' infuriated expression.

"are the two of you always so…?" Benjy asked, waving his hand between them.

"Excuse me?" Remus' voice sounded icy and Sirius was glad he wasn't Benjy.

"Is there something between…?" Benjy said, waving his hand between them again.

"You've lost me, Benjy," said Remus, sounding mildly irritated. "I'll be on the bleep if you need me."

He ignored Sirius who was now staring at him (like an idiot, he rebuked himself) and walked off, hands in his pockets.

"Tosser!" muttered Sirius, gripping his pen tightly and signing the end of his note viciously.

"Careful, you'll rip the paper!" snorted Benjy.

Sirius muttered a curse and ignored him; his grey, dilated eyes flashing.

There had to be an interesting story behind what he had just witnessed, Benjy thought, grinning to himself…

"I'm looking forward to working with you. I'll wager the next six months are going to prove eventful, Sirius?" said Benjy, gathering the paperwork for the High Dependency Ward. "Certainly not boring, anyhow!"

He held Sirius' gaze and smiled.

"Ha!" Sirius laughed bitterly. "Boring doesn't describe it, no!"

Frustrating as fuck was closer to the mark…

…..

Later that same evening, Remus Lupin sat down heavily on his bed, exhausted after a busy day at work. He undid his shirt buttons, staring absent-mindedly at the scars across his chest and abdomen, and collapsed onto his back, his hands over his face.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine," he quoted in a muffled voice, hands still covering his face, his tone hollow and raw with emotion.

He switched off the light and lay there motionless, shoes and trousers still on.

"Fuck!" he said to the darkness.

…

* "No Health Without Mental Health" is a UK government strategy which sets out the ambition to mainstream mental health, and establish parity of esteem between services for people with mental and physical health problems. It is based on a quote by Dr Brock Chisholm, the first Director-General of the World Health Organization (WHO), a psychiatrist. He famously stated that "without mental health there can be no true physical health". Unfortunately, attitudes like those expressed by Rosier and Snape are not uncommon among some doctors, and managers, and successive governments in most countries have failed to adequately resource mental health services compared to other areas of the health services. Based on needs, mental health services should receive at least 12% of the funding for the health budget (and it's been shown it would be extremely cost-effective to do so). They typically get way less. This doesn't bother me in the slightest as I'm sure you can tell …. (!)

** An Garda Síochána more commonly referred to as the Gardaí or "the Guards", is the police force in Ireland

*** Thyroid storm/ thyrotoxic crisis: a rare but severe and potentially life-threatening complication of over-activity of the thyroid gland. It is characterised by e.g. a high fever, fast and often irregular heartbeat, vomiting, diarrhoea, and agitation.

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed that , love to hear any of your thoughts!

It was weird writing Hagrid as Irish, Moody felt right as Irish cause of the films! I'm enjoying the changes anyway!