Notes:

Happy (belated) Birthday jinxedseries, in your honour I added the James attributes you said you liked, lol!

Warning: contains mention of racist and homophobic insults

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

I Could Live

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" whispered Sirius, staring at the screen of his mobile. "Answer the fucking phone, Prongs!"

He bent down beside Remus again.

"I'm so sorry, Remus, so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he said, keeping some distance between them and speaking in a gentle tone. "You're safe now. You're okay."

"Thank fuck!" he sighed with relief as his phone lit up and James' name flashed in front of him.

He moved away from Remus, careful to keep him in his line of vision and whispered urgently.

"Prongs, you need to get here right now, it's an emergency! Remus is having some sort of a flashback or dissociating or something, he's in a bad way and he's on call! There's no way he's fit to work. Fuck, I've no idea what to do or what I did wrong!"

"Alright Pads, calm down, I'll be over immediately."

Sirius let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and ran a shaky hand down his face.

"Thanks Prongs, I owe you! Can I ask you for one more favour?"

He heard James groan at the other end of the call. When he didn't get an outright refusal, he reckoned it was worth a shot.

"As far as I know, Evans is the only person who Lupin is vaguely friends with. She hates me more than she does you. I really need you to call her and ask her to come in and cover Lupin's call, otherwise I'll have to tell the Consultant on call, and I just don't think that's fair on him…" his voice trailed off.

"Shit!" said James, sounding worried. "She was on last night, Pads."

"Please?"

There was silence.

"That's all I need now, to be calling her at this time of the night like a weirdo when she hasn't even given me her mobile number."

"Please?"

"I'll ask her," James said eventually. "But you'll have to get me her number."

"You're a saviour!" said Sirius.

…

"Remus, listen to me, you're here in the ED in St. Godric's Hospital. You're sitting on the cold floor, and I'm placing a cold bottle of water in your hands," said James quietly.

They were in a corner of the department, well-hidden from the rest of the staff, the cubicle curtain drawn across. The nurses who had walked past Remus had readily believed Sirius when he said that Remus had been feeling dizzy and had fainted, and was getting a lift home.

Remus seemed to focus on James momentarily as the cold plastic touched his hands.

"Excellent, Remus," he continued. "Now I'm going to get a wet towel and place it on your face."

Remus took a deep breath as the freezing cold material made contact with his closed eyes and cheekbones. He blinked a few times.

"Drink the water," said James.

Remus did as he was told, his eyes less glassy as he took in his surroundings and his gaze settled on Sirius. Sirius, looking worried and harassed. Fuck. What had Sirius seen?

"We need to talk," said James after some time, in a steady voice, motioning towards the side door.

"Fuck! I need to get back to work!" Remus exclaimed, going pale and looking at his watch.

"You're in no fit state to work, mate!" said James, helping him up. "It's alright, Evans is covering for you."

"Oh God!" said Remus "This is a mess!"

His voice was shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm terribly sorry, Lupin," said Sirius, looking at Remus anxiously as though afraid to get any closer. "I don't know what I said wrong, I didn't mean-"

"Please!" Remus interrupted him. "It's just me. You did nothing wrong. I'm a fucking mess…"

He couldn't stand the look of pity in Sirius' eyes. He looked at the ground and wished it would swallow him up.

"Potter, can we go outside for a moment?" he said, his voice harsher than he anticipated.

"Of course," James said, nodding at Sirius as he followed Remus outside.

…..

"Yeah, he tried to kill me, well, kill us both, I suppose," Remus said, wishing to God his voice would stop sounding so fragile.

"That's fucking horrendous, Remus, I'm so sorry," said James.

Remus didn't reply, just shrugged non-committally, and stared at the ground.

"Anyone would be traumatised after going through that, how could you not be?" said James, his voice sounding concerned.

"I'm fine, really," said Remus. "It's ridiculous, it happened twelve years ago, I should have gotten over it."

He clenched his jaw, clearly irritated by the way James was manoeuvring the conversation.

"It's PTSD, you know that, don't you?" said James, looking straight ahead at the parked cars, under the orange glow of the street lights.

"Obviously," said Remus stiffly. "I'm not stupid."

"Why didn't you get help?" asked James.

There was no judgement in his voice.

"Pride? Stupidity? Take your pick," he said, with a bitter laugh.

"Or fear?" said James, leaning against the wall.

Remus sighed heavily.

"Probably," he muttered. "Alright, fear then. Definitely fear… every time I have to remember what happened I'm fucking terrified and the thought of having to do that…"

He took a few deep breaths to steady himself.

"I'm too much of a coward. And I've no time. How do I explain to my Consultant that I need to disappear every week for fucking therapy?" he said, closing his eyes momentarily. "It's not exactly going to look good on my CV if they know I'm weak."

"Don't you dare think that, Remus Lupin!" shot back James, his hazel eyes blazing. "There's nothing weak about what happened to you, or the fact you need help. In fact, facing this trauma is a very brave thing to do. Facing your fears is quite the opposite of weakness!"

There were tears in Remus' eyes as he looked at James briefly and nodded.

"Look, it's entirely up to you, Remus, I don't want to pressure you into this," said James. "It's your decision. But Mc Gonagall is trained in EMDR*, it's one of her areas of expertise. And she's brilliant, I'd trust her with my life. She'd take you on in a heartbeat, give you an appointment that'll minimally interfere with your work. She's always talking about doctors needing to look after their own mental health."

"Bet you've never had mental health problems," said Remus with a forced laugh. "Fuck, sorry, that's none of my business, Potter,"

"It's fine," said James. "I'm not sure…"

It didn't qualify as a mental illness, but seeing his parents dying within a day of each other and seeing Sirius falling apart? It had been a struggle. It was definitely part of the reason he had decided to become a Psychiatrist.

"I think I have some idea," he eventually said.

"I'll think about it," Remus said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Remus nodded.

He looked wrecked.

"Do you need a lift home?" James asked.

Afraid he might cry, Remus shook his head and gave a weak smile.

"I need to find Sirius if he's still here, and apologise for my behaviour," he murmured.

"No need, I promise you, Sirius is all bravado and nonsense, but he's actually a very decent chap underneath it all and he won't ask any questions or tell anyone else," said James quickly.

"Nevertheless, I want to," said Remus.

He looked white-faced and exhausted, like he might keel over and faint any minute.

"Fine, but fuck off home then, for goodness sake, Lupin," said James crossly. "You need to get some sleep!"

"You remind me of my dad, Potter!" said Remus, giving James the first genuine smile he had seen that night. "I promise I'll fuck off as soon as I find Sirius."

"Good, see that you do!" said James, grinning at him and giving him a light poke in the arm, as they both headed back inside the building.

….

He saw Sirius sitting at the hospital reception area, on his own, leaning forwards, his elbows resting on his knees, his glossy hair spilling over his face, playing with his mobile phone. The wide echoing space looked unusual in the dim light, the rows of empty seats like a deserted departure lounge. As soon as he heard footsteps approaching, Sirius' head shot up as though on high alert. He looked like a model from an ad campaign for designer aftershave.

"Remus!" he said, standing up immediately and coming towards him.

He could see Remus looking flushed and embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry," Sirius said in a strained voice. "I don't want to annoy you, I literally just wanted to apologise for earlier. I couldn't leave without doing that first, Remus. I'm desperately sorry-"

Remus held up his hand.

"Please, Sirius, I came to apologise to you! I'm the one who fell apart in front of you for no good reason. I mean, there was a reason, but… well," he faltered.

Sirius stepped forward.

"You don't need to say anything else. I don't need to know, Remus. It's your business. I just hope… you'll be alright, will you?"

It was a stupid time for his body to remind him that he fancied the hell out of Sirius, that Sirius was the best-looking man he had ever laid eyes on, and that seeing him like this – all kindness, and gentleness and regret - was a massive turn on. It was stupid because Sirius clearly thought he was a freak and was just feeling sorry for him.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," he said, his voice slightly ragged. "I assure you that won't happen again."

"Right," said Sirius, swallowing hard. "I don't care if it does, just so you know."

He felt a strong urge to hug Remus and kiss him and tell him if he ever found out who the fuck this Fen guy was, he would kick the shit out of him. Remus with his pale face and soft hair, and his tired moss-green eyes. With the same tall, lean body he had always admired, and the new pale scars across his face which he definitely hadn't noticed as much back in college.

"And thanks for asking Lily to cover my call, I appreciate that," Remus said, the veneer of formality and distance back in place, as quickly as it had disappeared.

"See you tomorrow so?" said Sirius, reluctantly stalling, as he turned his phone absentmindedly in his hands.

"See you then," said Remus.

The stiff smile didn't reach his eyes.

"I don't suppose you'd care for a drink or dinner sometime?" said Sirius, turning back at the last minute as he prepared to walk off.

"Sorry?" said Remus, turning slightly red, convinced he had misheard Sirius.

"Er, just a coffee , maybe?" Sirius said, looking at Remus with evident embarrassment.

"What do you mean?" he said gruffly.

"Never mind," said Sirius hurriedly, avoiding his gaze, the zip on his leather jacket catching as he struggled to close it. "See you tomorrow."

As soon as Sirius' figure disappeared out the sliding doors, Remus kicked the metal chair nearest to him.

"Well done, Remus, you fucking idiot!" he choked out.

He didn't want Sirius to feel sorry for him, he didn't want to be a charity case. Please God nobody ever saw him like this again. It was beyond humiliating. He had ruined any and all chances of ever rekindling his "relationship" with Sirius. Not that he ever stood a chance where that man was concerned. Sirius Black was an angel and he might as well just forget about him because nothing was ever going to happen there. Tonight had just been the nail in the coffin.

For his own sake though, and to avoid this horrendous situation ever happening again, he was going to have to take James Potter up on his offer.

…

James wasn't sure if he should wait until Remus came out and offer him a lift home, but he was going to anyway. Sirius had walked past him hurriedly, saying he wanted to go for a walk on his own, looking decidedly unhappy. It was cold outside, and it had started to rain. He moved to stand under the covered entrance to the main hospital, wishing his old Belstaff jacket was more waterproof. From there James recognised Dr Asim Khalid, one of the other Psychiatry Registrars, leaving by one of the fire exists and walking over to the on-call rooms. Suddenly two men appeared out of the shadows, blocking his path.

"Fuck off back to Africa, you bastard!" one of them said.

"Yeah, taking our jobs, you black-" the other began, taking a bottle out.

Dr Khalid was impressively tall, well over six foot three, and he looked at the two men as though they were inconvenient distractions.

"Hey! You!" shouted James, walking over immediately. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? You racist bastards!"

The two men stopped short, eyeing James with contempt.

"And who the fuck gave you the right to tell us what to do, you English prick!"

"Yeah, you and your loser gay friend. Sirius, isn't it? You can tell him we don't want gays here, and especially not English gays, you-"

"Don't you dare say another word!" said James, looking furious. "You as much as say one word against Sirius or try to lay a hand on him, and I swear to fuck, you'll be sorry!"

If there was one sure way to make James livid, it was anyone threatening his family or friends. And Sirius was both. It worried him that these thugs knew Sirius' name. And he detested racists and bigots, one of the main reasons he and Snape had hated each other in college. He certainly wasn't going to let them threaten Asim and get away with it.

The man with the bottle stepped forwards towards James, and as Dr. Khalid tried to intervene, the other man aimed a punch at his face, and in that split second the bottle hit James squarely over his forehead. He fell back onto the road, his head hitting the ground with a thud, and he blacked out immediately.

….

When he came to, he was lying on a hospital trolley, with a splitting headache. He opened one eye and blinked at the bright light. Sirius and a beautiful woman with red hair, who seemed remarkably familiar, were bending over him and a nurse was checking his blood pressure.

"Stupid idiot! What the hell was he thinking?" the red-haired doctor said crossly.

She was biting her lip and frowning anxiously.

"My knight in shining armour!" smiled Asim, who was sitting in the corner of the cubicle looking relaxed and unperturbed. "Went ballistic when he heard their racist bullshit, and practically popped a blood vessel when they slagged you off, Sirius!"

"Sounds about right," Sirius's face betrayed too many emotions, and he coughed self-consciously.

"Silly idiot!" repeated the red-head, her worried eyes sweeping over his face with a fond look, as she absentmindedly stroked his hair.

"Not the first time he's done something like this," continued Sirius, swinging his right foot onto his left knee and slouching into the chair.

"What do you mean?" said the red-head.

Her fingers were stroking the side of James' face and he closed his eyes and smiled to himself.

"Oh, you know, he got beaten up pretty badly in London, coming to the aid of a racist bastard who was being beaten up by some thugs," said Sirius, annoyed with himself when he heard his voice crack as he spoke. "He didn't even like the chap."

The red-haired doctor went white.

"Are you telling me he got hurt trying to help Snape?"

Her voice was wavering and urgent.

"Yeah, suppose I am," Sirius said, looking at her accusingly.

"Oh my God!" she whispered. "I didn't know. I thought…"

She looked pretty distraught, considering she didn't really know him, James thought. But he didn't like seeing her upset, for some reason.

"You thought wrongly," said Sirius.

He folded his arms and stared back at her. She blinked first.

"S'not her fault, Pads!" said James.

His voice sounded rugged and quite sexy, James thought, better than his usual voice. He grinned to himself as he saw her drop her hand away from his face in shock.

"Morning beau'iful!" he said, looking up at her, realising his voice sounded slightly slurred.

"It's alright so, he's completely fine, same dorky idiot as ever," snorted Sirius.

The look of relief on his face rather giving away how worried he had been for James' safety, his recent encounter with Remus momentarily forgotten as soon as he had heard Asim's shouts from the carpark and had raced over to help.

"Well, she is bloody fab'lous," James said, giving the red-head a cocky grin. "You're gorgeous."

She raised her brows and the beginnings of a smile played on her lips.

"You sound pissed, Dr. Potter!" she said.

He shook his head with exaggerated movements.

"That's me, isn't it? No, no, no," he sighed dramatically, wincing as the movement made his headache worse. "Sober 's a judge, that's me… I'm a very good judge of people, and I think you're perfect!"

"Though not as perfect as Evans," he added, with a slight frown. "No, she' compl'ly perfect. Sorry, no can do, my heart belongs to Evans!"

Sirius snorted again, his mischievous smile mocking her face, which had turned beetroot red.

She shook her head and laughed lightly, clearing her throat and fixing her loose bun again, for the second time in the space of a minute.

"Prongs my dear, you are going to be utterly mortified when I remind you of this!" laughed Sirius, unable to wipe the grin off his face.

"What? Nooo," said James, with a good-natured laugh. "I'm 'n love with Lilyevans. Have been, for fugging ages… years prob'bly… but she hates me, yeah, sad… tragic! Thinks I beat up her best friend… racist bastard… but I never did."

James shook his head again.

"Ouch, fugging head!" he muttered. "She hates me and I love her, s'wrong, isn't it? She's the best woman I know, Sirius! I'm always talking about Evans, amn't I, Pads? Beautiful, kind and fuggin' perfect… and a bit scary sometimes, t'be honest. Looks very like you, Doc!"

He looked at her and blinked a few times. She couldn't help smiling back gently at him. She glanced at Sirius self-consciously – he caught the high flush on her face and laughed again.

"Stop laughing, you're a pain in the arse!" she said, biting her lip. "He's had a head injury, including to the frontal cortex, so he's a bit disinhibited at the moment, that's all."

"Doesn't mean it's not true though," said Sirius, folding his arms and surveying Lily with a sober expression.

"What?" said James, ruffling his hair and looking confused. "Of course it's true, why else d'you think I turned down that pretty girl… whatshername?"

"Viv, the gorgeous physio?" smirked Sirius, winking at Lily.

He was pleased to note that Lily looked very put out by this piece of information.

"Yeah, her, lovely person! Fabulous legs, very funny, made me laugh," said James, sweeping his arm across and practically hitting his face. "Couldn't take her on a date though, when I'm bloody pining after Lilyevans, eh?"

She stared at him. Her pupils were wide and Sirius was fairly convinced he could see her jugular pulse racing.

"Evans," James mused, closing his eyes wearily. "I missed her... hadn't seen her in so long, and now she's here, and I get to see her and... s'not enough, though, see? I'd love to kiss her!"

"Maybe you should start by asking her out on a date, preferably when your brain is back to normal?" she quipped.

"You reckon, Doc?" said James happily, surveying her as though in awe. "Do I know you? Your name is on the tip of my tongue, like I know you really well?"

"Ha! He had no difficulty remembering my name!" scoffed Sirius triumphantly.

The red-head made a face.

"So mature, doctor!" laughed Sirius.

He seemed to be enjoying riling up the lovely red-headed doctor.

"Yes, well, Dr. Potter, I'll send you a text. I quite fancy going out for dinner, my treat," she said, squeezing James' hand. She planted a soft kiss on his cheek, and raising her brows with a superior air, she swept past Sirius.

"James, I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was a bloody brilliant performance!" said Sirius, prodding James' arm.

"Ouch, sod off!" groaned James. "Whaddayamean?"

"My lips are sealed, mate!" said Asim, grinning at Sirius, as he pulled back the curtain. "The CT brain should be done any minute."

James sighed happily and dozed off, unclear why he felt so light-hearted and warm. Perhaps it was hypotension**.

Or pyrexia**.

Or something akin to love.

...

*EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing, a type of therapy used to treat PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

** Hypotension – low blood pressure

Pyrexia – high temperature

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed that chapter, any comments really welcome.. prepare yourselves for MAJOR DRAMA in next chapter!