TW: Some scenes of grief about Kate's death.
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It was the second anniversary of Kate's death. It was also Flora's second birthday.
Caroline really wished the two were separated, even by a day, so that each day could be filled with the weight of its single milestone. Instead, the two were crushed into a solitary day, so jammed with emotion that getting through it was the conspicuous, overriding goal.
When they first started seeing each other, Kate and Caroline spent a lot of time walking beside a creek not far from Kate's place discussing Caroline's disintegrating marriage to John. It was where Caroline really started to know Kate. It was where she first understood that Kate's love of language and music was intertwined because at the heart of it was a love of sound. Kate's appreciation of sound was broad enough to include the natural notes and rhythms of the water in the creek, the noises of the birds and insects, and the whispering of the wind through the grass and trees. She would describe to Caroline how each of the sounds of life teeming at the edge of civilisation would complement the others, with the constant drone of the town heard as a distant, atmospheric base note.
In the first year after Kate died, it was here that Caroline had come to remember Kate. She had long conversations with Kate, telling her what was happening with Flora, aware there was more between heaven and earth than she knew about. She wasn't sure if it was really some form of Kate, or a manifestation of Caroline's subconscious, but the conversations helped and they were now part of Caroline's connection to Kate, part of her memory of the being who had so fundamentally changed her life.
It was here, in a copse of trees that hugged the banks of Oak Beck Creek, that Caroline and Greg had planted Kate's ashes, and the tree they thought of as Kate's tree.
On that first anniversary, burying Kate's ashes and planting the tree was enough. Caroline's grief was too overwhelming for words, and nothing was said between them other than the practicalities of getting the job done. The two had clung to each other and cried only after Caroline had finally relented to being hugged by Greg.
The second anniversary was different. It was a Tuesday, so Greg came up early from Manchester with Flora. William had wanted to be there and had arrived from Oxford before 10am, but Lawrence had exams soon and he stayed at school to study. At Caroline's request, Celia and Alan remained at Caroline's house to prepare for Flora's birthday party in the afternoon, despite Celia's huffing about wanting to join them.
The weather was unseasonably warm for early spring and the sun was out, although it was hardly balmy with a temperature of 12ºC. The recent rains meant that the creek level was up, but it hadn't flooded its banks and the grass in the valley was dry enough for a picnic. William spread out the thick rug and then played chasey with Flora, whose squeals of delight rang out shortly followed by William's laughter whenever William got close.
Caroline unpacked the picnic hamper while Greg did some weeding around the base of Kate's tree. It would have been a solemn occasion, but for Flora's natural exuberance.
They ate Kate's favourite sandwiches and drank her favourite champagne, aptly named Veuve or 'widow' Clicquot, while telling tales about Kate. William spoke of how kind Kate was and how she'd helped him with his English essays when he was struggling to deal with his dad. Greg talked about their time together in university, and how she'd kept them all sane when exams were on. They all chuckled when Caroline joked about Kate's inability to do the laundry and the red-hot curries that would come out of her kitchen. But it was when Caroline spoke of the plans they had made together and for Flora that the tears started streaming down her face and her voice broke. Neither man wanted to risk her discomfort by initiating a hug, although both would have been happy to oblige had Caroline been so inclined. Instead, she got up and walked off to be alone with her grief.
"I remember your smile in the mornings, Kate. It gave me joy that lasted the entire day. I remember your everyday kindnesses that helped me to get through a really difficult time with Mum and John and the boys when we started out. You gave me such strength Kate. God I miss you." Caroline looked skyward and closed her eyes, the tears flowing freely for a few moments.
Kate popped into Caroline's vision, walking beside her. It didn't surprise Caroline, but it had been a while. "You know I never wanted to leave you, Caroline. I know it's tough sometimes but never forget that you gave me just as much joy. Your strength was always there for me, for us, and it is there now for Flora."
Caroline continued walking along the valley. "You really changed my life in so many ways. Thank you."
"You changed my life too. I was single and not very happy, with no child in sight even though that was my greatest wish. It wouldn't have happened without you Caroline."
Caroline stopped and turned to Kate, not quite sure how to say it. "I've started seeing Gillian. She's not you, Kate, but she is very special, to me."
Kate stopped too, facing Caroline. "Gillian loves you Caroline. She has for a while. And she loves Flora too. You'll make a good pair, if you want to."
Caroline looked at the vision of Kate, taking that in. "I think she'll be good for me Kate, and yes, she adores Flora."
She turned to watch the flow of the water in the creek, listening to the sounds of the valley. "Oh you'll love this. Flora drew a picture of you this week. Apparently you have hair to your knees now," Caroline chuckled.
Kate smiled. "I'm very proud of you, Caroline. You and Flora are doing really well."
Caroline turned to smile lovingly at Kate, but Kate was gone. Caroline stood there for a long time, gazing into the distance. Eventually, when the tears stopped, Caroline cleaned up her face as best she could and headed back to the others.
They reminisced about Kate for a little longer while Flora treated the adults like climbing equipment, clambering over their legs until the cold started to be too much and it was time to go home.
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Wednesdays were now Grandma's day, when Caroline and Flora would Skype Ginika at 5 o'clock for time with Grandma. Often this would involve Flora playing on the thick rug while Caroline talked with Ginika about what was happening in their lives. Caroline had been too distraught to do this during Flora's first year, but now that Flora was getting older, it made more sense to include Grandma in Flora's life more regularly. It was a connection Caroline and Ginika both treasured.
Today was a special day, however, and they decided to Skype Grandma as soon as they got home.
"It was lovely Ginika. Sad, but lovely. The sun was out and we had an early picnic lunch. We ate Kate's favourite sandwiches and drank Veuve and told stories about her. I think we'll do it every year from now on. You know you're always welcome to join us, if your schedule permits."
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there. It's the middle of semester here and it's always awkward getting away. I've got my own bottle of Veuve for tonight. How is our darling Flora?"
"She's well. Recovered from her cold, as you can tell by her running around today. We're going to try to pop her down for a brief nap before her party at 3 o'clock, but we might be struggling with all the activity around here. A couple of her new friends from Bumble Bees are coming to celebrate with us, which will be fun." Caroline's face transformed into a slight grimace; children's parties were never really her thing. "Greg will be in his element," she said with a snort, inspiring a laugh from Ginika.
Flora crawled in front of the camera to wave at Ginika. "Hi Ganma." She sat to watch the vision of Ginika grinning and waving to her.
"Hi Flora. I've been watching you play. You look happy."
Caroline heard Gillian's voice at the door as she arrived early with Calamity to help set up.
"In here Gillian. We're Skyping with Ginika."
Caroline's face lit up and her eye's shone as she looked at someone off-screen, something Ginika had only seen in photos of Kate and Caroline during the few months before Flora's birth. Ginika had wondered if something might have been going on from the way Caroline had been speaking about Gillian of late. She realised this was the first time she'd seen Caroline in love.
It shook Ginika a bit. She knew that it was only a matter of time before someone as smart and attractive as Caroline would catch someone's eye, but she hadn't picked that it would be Gillian until recently. She knew a bit about Gillian and guessed that she would be a good co-parent. That, after all, was the primary consideration for Ginika, as much as she wanted Caroline to be happy. It was never going to be easy being the grandparent of the child whose parent had died.
"Gillian, you remember Ginika, Kate's mum? We've been telling her about visiting Kate's place down by the creek today." She reached up to hold Gillian's hand as Gillian moved to stand next to her. Gillian bent down and waved at the laptop camera.
"Hi Ginika. Lovely to see you again, all those miles away."
Ginika smiled, "Hi Gillian. Good to see you too. How is Calamity these days?"'
"Growing like you would not believe. She's really starting to like the sheep, so maybe she'll be the farmer in the family." Gillian turned to look down at Caroline. "Caz, I'll help Dad and Celia in the kitchen. You stay here with Flora and Ginika. Bye Ginika." She waved to Ginika and walked towards the kitchen, Caroline's eyes following her every step until she disappeared through the door.
Watching this, Ginika thought she might have to gently ask a question or two during tomorrow's Skype session. "I can see you're busy so I'm going to let you go Caroline, but thank you for calling me today; very special. I really like your new tradition to celebrate Kate's life in the mornings, and Flora's in the afternoons. I think that is an inspired way to handle it. Big hug from New York. Love to you both."
"You too Ginika. I hope you do okay tonight. Call me if you need. Bye. Bye bye." Caroline waved as the connection was cut.
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Flora's birthday party was a success, with the five children having fun playing and eating cake. Greg and Caroline had made sure that the rest of the food was fairly healthy, but Gillian had snuck in some contraband that found favour with the toddlers. She grinned wickedly when Caroline found out. "It's a kid's party, Caz. Sweets are what it's all about. They can be healthy the rest of the year."
By 5 o'clock the children were tired and the visiting parents had packed them up and abandoned the chaos. William was on the train back to Oxford, Alan and Celia had kindly taken Calamity back to Raff and Ellie's, and Greg took Flora upstairs for a bath. He had taken on the unenviable task of putting the overtired toddler to bed. That left Caroline and Gillian to finish the last of the cleanup.
"Thank you for helping out today, Gillian. I really appreciate it."
Gillian's grin was huge. "My pleasure Caz. I love birthday parties for kids when they're young. They're such fun."
"Yes, well, thank you. It was much easier with you here." Caroline stopped stacking the dishwasher for a moment. "It's been a weird day. I'm glad we had the picnic for Kate, and we needed to celebrate Flora's birthday, but it has been hard switching gears." She started moving again, concentrating on the dishes as she stacked them.
Gillian wanted to support Caroline, but it was hard to know just how much help Caroline was willing to accept. Gillian thought she'd start simply. "Caroline, how about I knock up a simple meal or order a pizza or something. That way you don't have to think about dinner."
Caroline was having trouble deciding if she wanted anyone here or not. It had been such an emotional day that Caroline was completely out of sorts. She really wanted the night alone with Flora. No Greg or Lawrence, or Mum and Alan around like last time. She wanted the time alone to think about Kate, to talk with Kate.
And yet, Caroline knew she functioned better when Gillian was around. How selfish could she be, asking Gillian to stay when her mind was entirely focused on Kate?
"I don't know Gillian. I'm having trouble making decisions right now. Not normally something I have trouble with, but today..."
Gillian went up to Caroline and stood in front of her. She tucked some of the blonde hair behind Caroline's ear to keep it out of her eyes and continued to stroke her hair, brushing her fingers down the side of Caroline's face tenderly.
"I know you're thinking about Kate. I know that today, all you'll be thinking about is Kate. And that's okay Caroline. That's okay." Gillian lifted Caroline's chin so she could see her eyes. "I mean that. It's okay for you to be thinking of her today, with me. If you want me here, I'd like to be here for you. If you'd like me to go, I'll do that too. I won't be offended. I know this is a tough day for you."
Caroline stood still, looking at Gillian, taking it all in, thinking how thankful she was that Gillian understood and wasn't asking anything of her. It was a long time before she moved, slowly bringing Gillian into a hug. In the end, selfishness won. "Please stay. I'm not going to be good company tonight, but I'd like you to stay."
Gillian closed her eyes with relief. It was going to be hard. There's no competing with a ghost, but at least Caroline wasn't shutting her out.
"How about I order us some dinner and then at least that will be sorted."
Caroline nodded. "Chicken curry tonight; Kate's favourite."
Gillian smiled. "Okay. Chicken curry it is. Your menus still in the drawer by the phone?" she asked, already moving to the hall.
"Yep. Get something vegetarian for Greg too, just in case he wants dinner before he heads off home. Thank you."
Caroline finished loading the dishwasher and started the wash cycle. She set off up the stairs for Flora's room to join in the nighttime routine. What she really wanted right now was to hug her daughter.
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Gillian was really aware that she and Caroline effectively had the house to themselves for the night. Flora was asleep upstairs, but Alan and Celia were staying the night at Gillian's.
Gillian sat in front of the fire, hugging the mug of tea in her hands. She turned her head to watch Caroline, who was communing with the dead again. She'd had that far off look all evening and their dinner had been mostly silent. Not that Gillian minded tonight. Silence was better than the never-ending prattling she used to get from Robbie.
Gillian poured Caroline another glass of the Burgundy. Caroline seemed to be intent on getting plastered tonight, a way to blot out the grief, presumably. Gillian didn't know what was going on in Caroline's head; Caroline wasn't saying enough yet for that to be apparent. She did know that Caroline would only let herself go if she knew that someone was there to take care of Flora, so Gillian wanted to be clear headed for whatever Caroline and Flora needed tonight.
Suddenly Caroline spoke, interrupting the quiet of the night. "I'd never felt like that before, when I met Kate. It was strange when was younger. I felt like such a different person then. But with Kate, it was the first time I really wanted to be better. She made me want to be a better person. I tried, I really did. But I'm really not." Caroline's voice petered out, her thoughts bouncing around her head, leaving confusion in their wake.
It was another five minutes before Caroline spoke again. "God I miss her. I miss her so much sometimes." She was staring into the fire. "But sometimes I don't think of her at all. And that's even sadder. Like I'm moving on. That seems wrong to me. How do you do that? How do you just move on from someone like that?"
Gillian waited for the next outburst, sitting quietly beside Caroline, hoping she was a comforting presence at least.
Caroline turned to her, a bit shaky in her movements until she looked her in the eye. "And then there's you. You've had this sh*t life and Christ it's been tough and yet here you are, strong and kind and looking after me."
Gillian didn't know whether to speak, or to wait. She lifted her hand and started stroking Caroline's hair, running her fingers through it ever so slowly, giving Caroline that calming touch that she knew worked so well.
"You sooth me, Gillian. You do. You just touch me and it feels like I can breathe again. I don't know how you do that."
Gillian kept tenderly running her fingers through Caroline's hair.
"How can I miss her still, and want you so much? All I have to do is see you...and I want you. How does that work? I don't get it." Caroline closed her eyes tight, as if trying to squeeze the thoughts out of her head.
Gillian thought it was time to call it a night. "Shall we put you to bed? Time for a rest, Caroline. It will all look better in the morning." She got up and put the fireguard in front of the fire and turned off all the lights except those in the lounge room and the stairs. She stood in front of Caroline and held her hands out to help Caroline off the couch. She got a wobbly Caroline upstairs and onto the bed, carefully taking off most of her clothing, directing her into the bathroom before tucking her into bed.
Gillian quickly checked on Flora, who was sleeping soundly. She found a bucket and placed it on the floor beside Caroline, just in case. She took off everything but a T-shirt and her knickers and got in beside Caroline. Turning off the bedside lamp, she pulled Caroline into her arms, holding her tightly, hoping to protect her from her nightmares. The alcohol had done its job though and Caroline passed out shortly after, safe for an hour or two from her torment.
Gillian had seen Caroline after Kate had died. She had seemed broken then too, but back then she was unable to hide the devastation. This time was different. This time Gillian was seeing behind the curtain. Gillian wondered if Caroline was going to be like this every year on the anniversary of Kate's death, this intense mess of a day.
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Gillian woke when she felt a weight on her. Caroline had crawled on top of her and was running her hands all over Gillian's body. Still obviously fairly drunk, her movements were sloppy and uncoordinated. Gillian reached for the bedside lamp, snapping it on to see Caroline, her face wet with tears, looking directly at her.
"What's going on, Caz?"
"I need you. I can't do this alone. I feel guilty for being alive when Kate is dead. I feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool of grief again and I..." Caroline rested her head heavily on Gillian's chest. There was desperation in her voice, "I need to feel alive. I feel like I'm being dragged into the darkness."
Gillian finally understood. She understood all too well. Too many emotions. Caroline was exploding with them, desperate for distraction, desperate for solace. She pushed Caroline off her and efficiently took off Caroline's bra and panties, and her own T-shirt and knickers. She rolled on top of Caroline, pushing her thigh between Caroline's legs and started to kiss her hard. It was sloppy work, but effective. Caroline moaned and arched into her, pulling Gillian's hips firmly into her own. They started rocking, a rhythm that sped up until they were both gasping for air and slick with sweat.
Caroline dug her fingernails sharply into Gillian's back and cried out, "Make it go away!" She was out of her mind and begging for escape.
When Caroline's body finally relaxed and her breathing returned to normal, Gillian, resting her weight on her elbows, took Caroline's head in her hands and gently, ever so gently, kissed her on the lips. She rolled off Caroline who followed her body in the bed. Caroline curled tightly into Gillian, her head under Gillian's chin. "Don't leave me. I couldn't bear it."
Gillian held Caroline, lovingly stroking her hair. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere my love." Gillian felt her heart expand with the love she had for this damaged woman. In her grief, Caroline had finally let her in, and Gillian could see the depths of pain and love that Caroline was swimming in.
The tears slowly fell, gravity pulling them down the landscapes of their intertwined bodies. Caroline lost in her grief, finally set the day's emotions free. Gillian held her, allowing Caroline the protection of her body and the gift of her soul.
It was some time before Caroline closed her eyes to sleep, safe in Gillian's arms until morning.