Of Books and Crime
Summary (FF): Romania is an eccentric new student eager to make friends. Bulgaria is the school delinquent who hangs out with the wrong people. Against all odds they form a friendship which transforms into something more. Bulgaria x Romania
Author's Note: This chapter discusses some heavier topics such as internalized homophobia and criticizes certain countries for their hatred towards the LGBT community.
Chapter 10: Simple or Not
Alin had only one way to describe the days after the kiss: long.
They're long hours, all meshed up together with him wondering just as to what he's got himself into.
On the one hand the kiss plays on repeat in his mind like a broken record and he enjoys every minute of it, reliving the sensation as much as it was possible. On the other, though, is there any chance Niko was going to return his feelings? Or is he leading himself for disappointment?
The Romanian bites his lip, chances for the other to love him back are probably around zero.
A wave of bitterness washes over him as he realizes it's probably nothing more than a drunken fuck up for the Bulgarian. Most likely one of his many drunken fuck ups.
What if he's mistaken him for some pretty girl he liked?
That seems like a much more plausible scenario in his head than the other returning his feelings.
Or perhaps he has a thing for kissing people when drunk. That happens with some people, doesn't it?
Nikolai dioesn't do much to reassure him, replying to his texts with the shortest answers possible and sending some lazy jokes or memes.
Alin shakes his head, maybe he doesn't even remember the damn kiss. After all, legendary alcohol tolerance or not, he was pretty damn drunk.
He sinks into the mattress of his bed, burying his nose into the covers when the memory of him and Niko flashes before his closed eyes. Naturally the sheets no longer smell like the Bulgarian and there isn't even the slightest trace of cigarette smoke in his home.
It makes Alin feel bitter, he wishes to cling onto the small moments he's shared with the Bulgarian. His heart is filled with terror as he realizes there is a possibility each time it was the last moment they shared.
After all, what if the other just left?
People have a knack for leaving him, if they even come for him in the first place.
The familiar feeling of self-hatred fills his being and Alin forces the pillow over his face, in vain hope he'll somehow make the thought go away.
At the very least Monday is coming closer and that's when he's meeting with the Bulgarian.
xxx
When they finally meet Alin can tell the atmosphere between them isn't the same from the moment they lay eyes on each other. He vaguely wonders if the other remembers about the kiss.
The way he tries to be casual so hard, the way he sucks on his cigarettes a little too impatiently tells him he does.
They're currently in his room after classes, like they've done so many times already. But now the silence between them isn't a comfortable pause in between all the talks, it's torture.
They try the small talk for a little while but each sentence is forced and out of place and it makes Alin want to look away.
Except he can't. His dark brown eyes always finding their way over the other, taking in every detail about him, as if he hasn't already learned them by heart. His glance falls over his chapped pink lips, the way they stand nicely against pale skin.
Niko licks his lips in an uncharacteristically awkward gesture and then shuts his green eyes closed.
"Just fucking say it," he grumbles, out of the blue, refusing to meet his glance.
Alin panics at the words, heart slamming against his ribcage much like it did during the kiss.
A long moment passes and then another but the Bulgarian isn't bulging and remains silent, eyes shut closed. The shorter boy muses perhaps this is a test, on to assess him although it seems like a long shot.
Nikolai might be hard to deal with but he's not one to play games and mess around, always blunt and straight forward, complex at his own internal drama yet eternally simple in his ways with others.
"So you remember the kiss?" he finds himself saying in the end, no longer able to bear the silence between them.
The Bulgarian opens his eyes and they stare at each other for a moment too long before he looks away once again, setting his glaze over something in the distance.
"Да," he answers simply but the small words echoes in Alin's mind.
Well, that changes everything and although he's no expert on love, he's smart enough to realize it.
The silence of the Bulgarian is deafening, it weighs heavily over him and threatens to crush him.
Alin scrambles, panic filling up his chest. He doesn't want the other to say it, doesn't want to hear his voice as he rejects him. He realizes that's the only possible outcome because after all – how could the other date him?
He wants to save him the trouble the embarrassment of rejecting him. Perhaps he wants to save himself the pain of actually hearing out those words so instead he speaks up, a small spark of determination burning out in his voice.
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it," he blurts out, words in a haste, "It never happened if you don't want it to have happened. Which, uh, I am sure you don't."
Nikolai looks at him, green eyes full of something he can't quite place. Is it disgust? Or maybe pity?
Is this what the end of a friendship looks like? He can't know, after all he's never had a friend to begin with.
All he knows is he wants the Bulgarian to stay, even as just a friend. He has a place in his live, he needs as an anchor, someone to look out for in a crowd, a small reassurance he was not alone. He wants to cling onto whatever remains of their friendship they share, not ready to let go.
"I am so, so sorry." He offers, desperate to fix things between them before they're broken, "I-I know how bad it must feel to know you kissed me cause you know, just, I mean look at me,"
He chuckles but the sound is wrong, even to his own ears. He wants to hit himself for acting pathetic, for his low self-esteem which finally comes to the surface, for not being able to act the way he wants to.
"You don't have to be my friend if you don't want to, if-if what happened disgusts you or-"
Alin isn't unable to continue as he senses a large, warm hand over his mouth. He glances up, meeting the other's eyes which are nothing but green pools of fury.
"Alin Popescu, don't you ever fucking dare say some shit like that again," the Bulgarian hisses at him and he can't help but quiver under the intensity of the words.
He opens his mouth to say something but the other presses his fingers against his lips once more, effectively silencing him.
"If I ever hear you spew some self-degrading bullshit again, I swear I'll beat some sense into you. Literally."
Alin gulps at the statement, taking in how terrifying the other looks. He sees the resemblance with Radko clearly now, the harshness in him is more evident than ever. He sees Ivan too, sees his words and even mannerisms reflected in the Bulgarian.
"There is nothing wrong with who you are or the way you look and if anything you're one of the best people I've met." The Bulgarian finishes and his green eyes never leave his.
He sounds more certain of this than anything else in the world and his strong words and conviction are able to break through the wall of insecurity Alin has surrounded himself with.
The Romanian can feel warmth spread through his entire being and for a second he plays with the idea he might be dreaming.
But no, this is real, Niko is real. He is so close that it almost hurts not to be able to be with him.
When the taller teen finally lets go of him he speaks up, voice small,
"Are you saying all of this just to make me feel better? Prepare me for rejection?" he asks, unable to meet the other's eyes, "Because if you are, you shouldn't be saying it all."
Alin is taken aback by what happens next, the way the other lunges forward and takes in his lips, the way this time the movement is more secure, more passionate.
This time he knows it means something. It's not the product of alcohol but something else, something he can't even allow himself to hope for.
The Bulgarian's tongue falls over his own and Alin moans into the kiss, dizzy with pleasure. The other pulls him in closer, buries a pale hand into his straight hair.
All he knows is that regardless of why this is happening, he doesn't want it to end.
But it does and when they break apart they stare at each other for a moment too long. When Alin sees the expression on the other's face he knows it's not a happy one.
He sighs, bracing himself for what the other is about to say.
"Alin…I can't do this," the Bulgarian's voice is small, a shadow of itself. It's drowned in his heavy accent, heavy with emotion.
It contrasts heavily with his words and actions just mere minutes ago and Alin founds himself at loss at the other's rapidly changing moods. How is it possible for the other be two completely different people mere moments apart?
Does he have any idea what his actions do to other people? Does he care at all or is this just a one man show for him?
It causes anger to sprout in Alin's chest and he has to bite his tongue not to scream at him.
"You do realize you just fucking kissed me, right?" he demands and he can't stop the glare he shoots him, "What kind of game is this? One minute you claim you like me, then you kiss me but in the end you pull back, claiming you can't be with me? Screw you man."
Nikolai looks away, shame written over his light features. He looks dejected, a look that doesn't suit him.
That immediately causes a wave of guilt to wash over Alin as he starts to regret his small outburst. He should have tried to listen out the other, take in his reasons before lashing out.
He moves in closer to him, the mattress of his bed sinking in under their combined weight.
He puts a small hand over the other's shoulder and offers the tiniest of squeezes, surprised when he doesn't fight him off.
"Niko, is this because I'm a guy?"
That's the only explanation he can think of, the only thing that makes sense. Because if the Bulgarian does like him the way he claims, if he's ready to kiss him as eagerly as he does…then why not be with him?
It's supposed to be as simple as that…or not.
And indeed asmall nod comes from the other, sealing in his suspicions.
Alin gulps hard as sympathy washes over him and his regret intensifies. He should have known.
The taller teen all but screamed self-hatred and internalized homophobia.
"You don't understand Alin, I just can't be with another man," the Bulgarian exclaims, shaking his head as utter horror flashes behind his green irises.
The Romanian has nothing to say, no magical words of comfort.
He's not good at this, he's too insecure himself to save others and he's not sure if whatever is going on between them is going to have a happy ending.
Mere minutes ago it felt as if Nikolai was saving him, as if he was the strong one. Now though the roles have reversed, and he's the one who has to offer help.
A small idea sparks in his mind and he wonders – isn't this what loves is supposed to be like in the first place? Two broken pieces fitting in together?
It sounds nice but Alin isn't sure if he can make theory into practice, if he can fix things, himself or the other.
He feels naïve for not figuring it out earlier, the way the other always pulled away after stepping in closer. The way he tried to project self-esteem when he screamed of insecurity.
And him being a Bulgarian who lived with a Russian and a Serb only added fuel to the fire, like the last nail to the coffin.
Alin wasn't one to be into politics but he knew about the hatred for gay people in Slavic countries. He'd read all about the horror of beating up gays all because they dared to love someone. It sent shudders down his spine even before he met the other but now he realized all the horror that hatred brought personally.
"I-I can't do this," Niko repeats, voice barely above a whisper, "This is like- it's betraying my country, my family, everything I stand for,"
Alin hangs a skinny arm around him, in vain hope that can be some sort of comfort. The Bulgarian doesn't fight it off, in fact he moves in closer and that offers a small bout of fresh hope for him.
He suddenly feels angry but not at the other but rather at the people who've made him act this way.
Angry Radko and Ivan who he knows have a finger in this. At them and all the other homophobic and hateful Eastern Europeans who've made Nikolai and thousands like him hate himself for being different.
Alin realizes Romania was capable of homophobia as well but at least things aren't as bad as its neighbours. He knows there is work to be done but at least he can go home without getting jumped at holding hands with a man. It's a small, maybe insignificant victory but it's still the start of something, the light at the end of the tunnel.
But this can't be said of the Slavic countries. Bulgaria is better, being a part of the EU and everything but there are still those who fall for the propaganda that comes from Russia and others.
Alin strugglez with what to say, how to offer reassurance.
"Hey, look, I realize this is very hard for you and I myself am not one to really set an example of self-acceptance but…" he begins, biting on his lip, "I don't want you to hurt, Niko. I don't want you to be full of self-hatred for something you can't even control."
The Bulgarian meets his eyes and wants to protest but he silences him, wanting to finishing what he has to say while he still has the courage to.
"I'm not going to push you to be with me,"
"Alin I do want to be with you," Nikolai interjects before he can finish, a bit of his stubbornness and confidence having returned to his pale face, "I just…don't know if I can."
The Romanian offers him a small smile before leaning in placing a tiny kiss, this time over his nose as he doesn't want to scare him off. He savours in the contact, the other's warm skin over his pale lips.
"We can try. Take baby steps, see where they lead us."
Niko's lips curl into a tiny smile and then he offers a nod.
With some hesitation he wraps his hands around him, effectively pulling him into a hug. This time his movements are more intentional, they hold a meaning they did not before.
They aren't ones of a friend but rather a lover and the mere thought of that makes Alin almost dizzy.
"Baby steps." Nikolai asserts, whispering in his ear.
Alin nods as he shoots him a reassuring smile.
He isn't sure if this will work out but with all his heart he wishes it does.
Author's Note: No, this isn't the final chapter, even if it did have that kind of feel to it xD
A lot more is yet to come and I hope you're interested in it!
Shout out to: maryranstadler1, Hollywoodling, GarGoyl
Hollywoodling I laughed at your comment because my cat sometimes does the same xD
GarGoyl Liz will definitely have some backstory to add to the mix xD
What did you think of Niko and Alin's talk? Were you surprised at Niko's internalized homophobia or did you see that all along? Were you able to tell his confidence was in part an act? Hehe, I love reading your interpretations of the characters!
Do you think Alin can help him out with it? Or they can help out each other, as cheesy as it sounds?
P.S: If I have the time I might upload some special Christmas fics, so look out for that :)
Please share your thoughts and review!