Don't Know How Much I Can Take

Morning before the arrest…

"I've been meaning to ask you for a long time. Why did you ignore me afterwards, the time we kissed at the Med Ball? I was so confused," said Sirius.

He was lying in bed beside Remus, warm and exhausted and happy.

"oh, that," said Remus, grimacing and falling back onto his pillow.

Remus sighed and glanced at his boyfriend. Sirius looked dishevelled, if not debauched, yet languidly relaxed. Unbelievably attractive.

"I don't think even you realise just how gorgeous you are! I was mad about you. I guessed you were flirting with me for months, but I was too frightened after the whole…"

"Car thingy," supplied Sirius immediately; he didn't like seeing Remus' face whenever he mentioned that traumatic episode.

"Yeah, car thingy," smiled Remus, kissing Sirius' hand lightly.

"And?" said Sirius eagerly.

"And then I couldn't take my eyes off you that night, I didn't think. Just acted," shrugged Remus.

"You were beautiful, I still remember you in the starlight. Fucking beautiful," said Sirius reverently.

Remus rolled his eyes. He was dreadful at accepting compliments.

"Avery had been threatening me for a few months at that stage, had somehow found out I was gay. I was anxious after kissing you in case he made good on his threats. When I went back to sit in my car to clear my head. Avery cornered me and told me if I didn't leave you alone, he'd tell your parents and get you disowned. Or worse," said Remus. "I wasn't sure what to do. Then I overheard you talking to Snape and Rosier, denying you were gay. I thought maybe I didn't mean anything to you."

He looked at Sirius again.

"Fuck Avery!" said Sirius. "Shit! I feel so bad that you heard what I said to those two bastards! I panicked, I was terrified they'd tell my parents. I was scared of them, my parents, not those two idiots!"

"It's alright, Sirius, I understand," said Remus, placing his hand over Sirius'.

"I told them though, that morning, told them the truth," said Sirius, his eyes filled with anger and hurt. "That was the last time I spoke to them, or saw them. They kicked me out. Disowned me."

"They did what?" said Remus, horrified.

"I'm glad I told them, Remus," said Sirius, holding on to his boyfriend's hand. "It was eating me up inside. It was all a lie. I couldn't have stayed there any longer. They are horrible people, Remus. Racists and bigots and homophobic and…"

He tried not to think about Reg, about what must have happened to him. But sometimes he couldn't help himself.

"I didn't know," said Remus, his voice wavered. "I did it to protect you. All that time… I didn't know. And then you disappeared, stopped attending college. I didn't know the full story."

"We can't change the past," said Sirius, sinking back onto the bed. "You're here now. You make me so happy."

"I know," Remus' lips twitched upwards.

"Is it too early to tell you I'm in love with you?" asked Sirius, staring up into Remus' eyes.

"Probably," said Remus smiling.

Sirius saw the look of amusement and joy on his boyfriend's face, sheer joy, and marvelled at the change in him. He knew that was also due to therapy, over the last few months. Still…

"A short run of mad, passionate lovemaking with Dr. Sirius Black and you're a new man!" he said playfully, running his index finger over Remus' lower lip.

"It probably is too early, but I'll say it anyway – I'm madly in love with you, Sirius," said Remus, running his hands through Sirius' straight, silky hair.

Sirius blinked twice.

"Managed to shut you up, for once, have I?" Remus said, with a gleam in his eyes.

Sirius' grey eyes continued looking at him with confusion.

"Come here!" said Sirius, recovering from shock and pulling Remus down on top of him to kiss him hungrily.

"I love you, Remus Lupin!" Sirius whispered urgently, covering his boyfriend's face, neck and chest with kisses.

"We're supposed to be getting ready for work," groaned Remus, doing nothing to stop Sirius' ministrations.

"You can't say things like that and expect to get away scot-free!" said Sirius, winking at Remus seductively. "Remember – mad, passionate love-making? You and me? In love?"

"I remember, we've literally just done that this morning," muttered Remus, finding Sirius' lips again.

"So? Nothing stopping us doing it again, is there?" said Sirius.

"Yes, I have to… oh screw that!" said Remus, losing control.

"I'm irresistible, say it!" said Sirius, arching into him.

"You're irresponsible," said Remus.

"Same difference," said Sirius breathlessly.

…

"Come on, Lily, stop being a lazy git and get out of bed!" Lily muttered to herself crossly.

She sat on the edge of her bed and groaned, as another wave of nausea hit her.

"Ugh!" she said, lying back down again immediately. "What is wrong with me!"

She was beginning to think that maybe her self-diagnosis of Winter Vomiting Bug was wrong. It should have cleared up by now. She thought last night she was better. Now she wasn't sure if she could get up and drive into work without vomiting.

Leaning back into her pillow, looking at the sunlight streaming into the tiny cottage, she smiled absentmindedly, thinking about James, and their conversation in her house the previous night.

"I've been offered a job in the States, it's a research post, in Boston," she had said, biting her lip.

"I know," said James smiling at her proudly. "I'm not surprised, you're incredible! You deserve it."

"Yeah, but…" she hesitated.

"Are you worried how it might affect us?" he asked, stroking her hair softly.

"Yeah," she said, turning her head to look him in the eye. "I don't want to ruin this… us…"

"I'll wait for you," he said soothingly. "I'm not letting you get away from me that easily, not after waiting so long! If that's what you want?"

"Of course it's what I want!" said Lily, staring into his warm, hazel eyes. "I'm wondering if I should go or not?"

"Don't be daft," he admonished, kissing the top of her head. "You've worked so hard for this. You shouldn't sacrifice your career because of me! I could try to sit the USMLE exams and see if I could take a year or two off the scheme and move over with you."

She sat up and turned towards him.

"James, that's too much, trying to sit those awful American exams! You're meant to be sitting the Membership exams as well. You just won't have time for all that!" she said, brushing her fingertips over his chest.

"You forget that I'm frighteningly intelligent!" he grinned at her.

"I don't forget!" she rolled her eyes fondly. "I'll never forget Tom Suffolk reading out our exam results in Fourth Year and stopping with utter disbelief when you came second. Despite doing practically nothing all year!"

"I may have exaggerated the extent of my slacking!" he laughed good humouredly. "Trying to make myself look cool in front of a certain red-head I was desperately trying to impress!"

"What an eejit!" she said, leaning over and planting kisses on his chest and shoulders.

He winked at her.

"I'm very serious! I'm going to sit those damned exams and see what happens. If I pass them, excellent. If not, I'll just have to save up and come over to annoy you as often as I can," he said in a low voice.

In the back of his mind he was trying to reconcile his monthly earnings and the cost of travelling to the U.S.

"Hell yes!" she said, her large green eyes filled with longing. "I won't be able to stand it if I can't see you regularly. I don't think I could stick it out. And I can't have some beautiful Irish woman steal you away from me!"

She moved up and pressed her lips to his.

"This is the only Irish woman for me," he said, kissing her back. "The only woman."

"James Potter, stop saying things like that!" she said, feeling her heart rate pick up. "You're driving me wild."

"Make me stop," he challenged.

She stared at the man underneath her.

"You're unreal!" she laughed breathlessly.

"That's how it's always been with us, very competitive," he said, raising his eyebrows.

He was perfect. In every way.

"Just watch me," she said.

Sunday, Forty-eight hours after the arrest of Dr. James Potter…

"Dr. Potter, I think its only fair to point out that it's not looking good, you know."

James looked at the grey-haired woman in front of him and snorted.

"Really? I thought I was in with a reasonable chance," he said dryly.

"Well, stwictly speaking, no," the tight-lipped solicitor replied cautiously, her pronunciation difficulties accentuated by her anxiety. "I'm afwaid that the evidence against you is wather overwhelming-"

"I'm joking, Pince," said James, giving a short humourless laugh. "I know what it looks like."

Irma Pince cleared her throat and looked up over her reading glasses.

"I should pwobably point out that it would be pwudent to consider entewing a guilty plea. You'll still get the mandatowy sentence but if you offer to coopewate with the Gardai, pwovide information on the cwiminal gang involved and-"

"Pince, there's zero chance of me entering a guilty plea so you can scrap that idea immediately, alright?" said James, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

He leaned back wearily and sighed, running a hand down his drawn face.

"I know you probably don't believe me, but I didn't do it. Any of it," James said, looking her straight in the eye.

Pince made a non-commital placatory sound and shuffled the papers in front of her.

"You don't believe me. Can't say I blame you," James laughed bitterly. "Fuck!"

He placed his elbows on the table and ran his hands through his hair.

"Dr. Potter, if what you say is twue, who hates you enough to awange such a complicated web of intwigue against you?" Pince said, giving him a piercing look.

"I've been thinking of nothing else. Who the hell would do that?" James said. "I mean, I reported a gangland criminal to social services recently and he threatened to shoot me, but this? This is different. Snape is probably the one person who truly hates me, but he's not a bloody criminal, whatever else he is. I honestly don't know. I don't know…"

His voice trailed off.

"The gardai found a burner phone in your flat, with messages going back about two months, all relating to sale and distribution of Class A drugs," said Pince cautiously, looking at James to gauge his response.

He swallowed.

"With my name on the messages?" he asked, trying to sound calm.

"Well, no, although they were addressed to Doctor Party Poppers," said Pince.

"I see," he said.

"The gardai will be checking where the mobile pinged when the texts were sent. There's a mast near St. Godwic's Hospital," said Pince.

James stared at her mutely.

"They also found a handgun and ammunition," she said quietly.

"I know, they told me," he said, feeling his mouth go dry. "It's not mine, I don't know how to use a fucking gun, I've never even held one."

"It was in your flat, in your underwear dwawer," she said.

"It wasn't there before I went to work on Friday!" he said, looking at Pince desperately.

She was beginning to feel sorry for him.

"Be that as it may, Dr. Potter, I think a juwy will have a hard time believing you."

"Fucking hell," said James.

He held his head in his hands. He felt sick. There was a tightness across his chest, like someone had placed a heavy weight over it and he couldn't fill his lungs with enough oxygen. He had woken up suddenly in the middle of the night, sitting bolt upright in bed, taking a moment to recall what awful thing had happened.

"The pwess seem vewy intewested in your story, Dr. Potter," said Pince after a pause.

"Good story – bad doctor, in fact, bad psychiatrist… tabloid heaven," he said stoically.

"And good-looking to boot," added Pince, with a wry smile. "I'm afraid the Court will be swarming with camewas today."

James looked up briefly and nodded wearily.

"Unusual that the press cottoned on to your stowy so quickly. Any theories about that? The Irish Daily Sun in particular seem to have had a lot of insider information?" Pince said, sliding a copy of the tabloid newspaper over to James.

"No," said James, clenching his jaw and pushing the article away.

"Ever heard of Wita Skeeter? She's one of their top weporters, usually based in London. Stwange that she'd come over to do a stowy like this," Pince commented.

James shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

"Never heard of her, I don't read The Daily Sun, I'm more of a Guardian man."

"Never mind. Just wear that suit, look stwaight ahead, chin up, better if you don't wear sunglasses because that looks like you have something to hide, but I understand if you want to," said Pince, patting James lightly on the shoulder as she stood up.

"M'am," said James, saluting her half-heartedly. "I'm sorry this case is pretty shit. Thank you for taking it."

"My pleasure, James," said Pince, smiling at him for the first time. "Hawold and I are good friends, go back a long way. When he asked me to defend the son of one of his best men he ever knew, I couldn't wefuse."

"Dad always said Harold Bell was the best solicitor in all of London, and one of his good friends," said James, feeling emotional at the mention of his father." It was very kind of him to suggest you."

Thank God his parents were dead, thought James. Thanks God they didn't have to see this.

…..

As he exited the Court, James blinked repeatedly as camera flashes bombarded him. He was glad to have Pince beside him, she seemed to know what to do, holding his arm lightly and guiding him through the crowd.

"No comment," she answered calmly, as countless questions were shouted at them.

"How long have you been working for a criminal gang, Dr. Potter?"

"No comment."

"Who paid for your 90,000 euro bail, Dr. Potter?"

"No comment."

"Was your family's drug company used as a cover to make illegal drugs?"

James' head shot up furiously as he looked at the woman who had asked that question.

"Rita Skeeter, Daily Sun," she said brightly, with a very fake smile.

"My parents' company was never used to make any illegal drugs," he said hotly.

Pince rested her hand warningly on his arm.

"No comment," she said sternly, steering him clear of the crowd and moving him towards a car waiting for them.

They climbed inside, surrounded by journalists and microphones.

"Fucking hell, how dare that bitch insinuate that my parents were in any way involved in illegal activities!" he said, his eyes still burning with anger.

"And who the hell paid for my bail, Pince?" he added. "I was expecting to be remanded in custody."

"Siwius Black," she said curtly, placing her briefcase on her knees.

"How?" he asked, looking bewildered.

"Something about his late uncle's flat in London?" she replied, looking out of the window.

"Oh fuck," he said. "Stupid fucking idiot!"

"Language, Dr Potter!" said Pince, regarding him primly. "And I don't believe you would have done anything differently if your bwother found himself in a similar situation, from what he told me. Unless you're planning on going MIA, his money is perfectly safe."

James grunted moodily and sank back into the seat, as the car weaved through the morning traffic. The silence was deafening.

"Am I really looking at ten years?" he asked quietly.

Irma Pince looked up and caught the momentarily scared look on his face.

"I think so, unless we can find some pwoof between now and when your case is due in the Centwal Cwiminal Court," she said regretfully. "I will look thwough all the evidence carefully, if there's anything that doesn't add up, you'll be the first to know."

He nodded stiffly.

"Thank you, appreciate that," he said.

There was a different look on his face now. Resolute. Resigned.

"I'm sure I'll find something," she said.

"I'm sure you will," he said.

Neither of them meant it.

…

"James, thank God!" Lily said, as soon as James entered his flat, half crying as she launched herself at him and enclosed him in a tight hug.

She felt his body stiffen a little. She didn't see James shut his eyes tightly as though in pain. She pulled back then, aware something was wrong. James was always so demonstrative.

"I'm sorry James," she said, wiping tears from her face and holding onto his shoulders lightly. "Are you alright?"

He didn't look alright.

"I'm sorry, that's a stupid question. Of course you're not," she continued, anxiously scanning his face. "James, I'm so sorry about everything that's happened. I don't know what to say, except that Mc Gonagall has promised to try to help us get to the bottom of this, and for some reason I believe her. We'll get through this together, love, I know we will! I love you so much!"

He swallowed hard and said nothing.

"Sirius should be back in around half an hour, he just ran to the shops to get food, Thai red curry, your favourite," she continued, playing with the hem of her shirt and looking at the door. "James, I have something important to tell you. I'd prefer to tell you when the others aren't here."

"I've got something that I need to say first," said James.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" she said, reaching out reflexively and stroking his chest, before pulling back as though unsure of his reaction.

"I've been thinking a lot in the past few days, about us. It's not going to work. I mean, times like this make you think about relationships and … I don't think we should continue seeing each other. It's not working."

His voice was low and sounded almost desperate.

"What? James, what are you talking about? You need your friends at this time. You're tired and you're not thinking straight. You need me… I need you, James… please," she said.

"No, I know what I'm doing," he said, his voice firmer and harsher now. "It's over, Lily. I've realised that I don't love you, I like you, as a friend, that's all. I spent so long pining after you all these years, I had built up this idealised version of you in my mind… and the real you is different. Disappointing. You're not what I expected. I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this. I should have told you weeks ago."

"Oh," said Lily, her lips trembling slightly.

"You needed to know. It wasn't fair on you," James said. "Plus it seems that after all, connections and money are important to me. I don't think I could consider marrying someone from a different social class. And I don't want to jeopardise my career by moving to America at this stage of my training."

He could see the surprise and hurt in her eyes.

"I see," Lily said, in a low voice. "I'm... I thought you and I were… I must have read things completely wrong. I'm sorry that I disappointed you, James. I'm far from perfect, I know that. You were everything I hoped you would be, and more. I couldn't have wished for a better man. You deserve the world. I hope you…"

She broke off then, unable to stop the silent tears rolling down her face. She tried to smile and pointed to her face awkwardly, wiping it with her hands. Her lips were trembling so badly, she pressed them shut tightly in an effort to control them.

"Sorry," she said, her voice breaking. "I'll just go then, I'm sorry I don't think I can stay, make my apologies to the boys, please, won't you?"

He nodded, and she took in his stiff shoulders and clenched jaw and fists.

"James," she whispered, turning back from the door. "I'm still here for you if you need me, if you want to call me or if I can help with anything else. As a friend."

He looked into her bloodshot eyes, those large, almond shaped, dazzling clear eyes, the colour that reminded him of mountain lakes in the Canadian Rockies.

"I don't think you can help me," he said, devoid of emotion.

A small choked sound escaped her lips and she brought her hand to her mouth and nodded quickly, closing the door behind her.

As soon as the door closed behind her, he looked up at the ceiling as though imploring the heavens.

…..

"What the fuck did you just do, you absolute wanker?" Sirius said, barging into James' room.

James was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hand tightly wrapped around a small black box, staring blankly ahead.

"Answer me, you fucking idiot!" Sirius shouted, looking down at James.

"I broke it off with her. I don't love her," said James, his voice a blank monotone.

"You're a fucking liar!" said Sirius angrily, grabbing James by his shirt collar and pulling him up to standing. "I don't know what the fuck you're playing at, but I know the truth, James fucking Fleamont fucking Potter. You bloody love Lily Evans!"

"I don't," he replied, suppressed rage in his voice. "I don't love her."

"Ugh!" said Sirius, making a frustrated sound in his throat, and pulling James closer to him. "What the fuck? Why are you doing this? I would never do this to Remus if it were me in your place!"

"You're a liar, Sirius, a fucking liar!" James spat out, grabbing hold of Sirius and pushing him away roughly. "If you were going to prison for ten years, are you telling me you'd let Remus waste ten years of his life waiting for you?"

Sirius opened and closed his mouth.

"Bollox!" said James. "You're a terrible liar!"

"Well so are you, damn it!" shouted Sirius. "I don't know what horrible things you said to her earlier on, but she was devastated. And you've managed to completely convince her that you don't love her at all."

"I'm glad she believes it," said James coldly, walking out of the room. "She needs to believe it. I meant everything I said to her."

"She was sitting outside on the steps bawling her eyes out!" flashed Sirius angrily, following him into the sitting room.

James was leaning with his hands on the back of a chair, gripping it tightly.

"Leave me alone," said James, his voice barely audible.

His whole body seemed to be shaking.

"What have you got there?" said Sirius, glancing down at the box still in James' hand. "Mia's stuff? What are you doing?"

"Just fuck off," he said between his teeth.

"Argh!" said Sirius, shaking his head in agitation and practically taking the door off its hinges as he slammed it behind him.

James was still standing behind the chair, his hand still wrapped tightly around the black box, his eyes shut.

…

Notes:

I could really do with a bit of cheering up today! Any comments extremely welcome, and thank you for reading this fic!