Of Books and Crime
Summary: Romania is an eccentric new student eager to make friends. Bulgaria is the school delinquent who hangs out with the wrong people. Against all odds they form a friendship which transforms into something more. Bulgaria x Romania
Chapter 21: Edge of Desperation
It takes Alin a long time to grasp what is happening, for the words he's heard to finally sink in his mind.
"How?" is all Nikolai asks and the Romanian can only guess he's asking about the how.
And Ivan explains, in between a few stray tears which he wipes away with the back of his hand, as if he doesn't want anyone to see them.
"Radko was alone in the bar that night. And from what I hear, some Croatian guys walked in,"
"Let me guess, he picked up a fight," Niko sighs heavily, head in his hands.
The Russian nods,
"I told him not to pick up fights when I'm not around, he just never listened," he says, voice wavering a bit before he goes on,
"Radko provoked the fight and it got bad fast, before anyone could tell what was going on he hit some guy in the face and the others jumped in,"
The words are so simple, so clichéd Alin feels disgust mixed in with a sense of powerlessness raise somewhere in the back of his mind.
It's stupid, it's absurd. Like a badly written twist in an Eastern European TV novella.
No one should die like that in the 21st century, in a bar fight because of their own inability to let go of hatred for others.
"I should have been there," Ivan whispers, voice full of so much guilt and regret it shocks Alin when he hears it,
"Oh, Ivan," Nikolai half jumps from his seat, moving closer to the Russian and wrapping his hands around him, "This is not your fault. You can't blame yourself for this!"
The blonde shakes his head,
"Of course I can. Had I been there, Radko wouldn't be dead."
The Bulgarian bites his lip, hesitation written on his face,
"You know how Radko was. You know he was always asking for trouble, always looking to pick up a fight. And you couldn't have always protected him,"
"Yeah, because I fucked up,"
"Не!" Nikolai half shouts, "Because you can't protect a person from themselves. What happened is a tragedy but you can't blame yourself for it."
Ivan looks away, shoulders slumped in defeat. He doesn't appear to believe it, even as the Bulgarian tries to console him, offer comfort.
There's a beat of silence and Alin debates on leaving as he realizes he doesn't have a place between them, it's a moment that is theirs and not his to share. It's not his grief, not his tragedy.
"The police barged in the bar and now…they'll know everything," the Russian says after a while,
Popescu senses a wave of shock wash over him, as he is sucked into the whole ordeal once more, just as he was about to leave,
"Does that mean Nikolai goes to jail now?!" he cries out, words flying out of his mouth before he can stop himself,
"No." Ivan shoots rights back at him, voice carrying more certainty, more weight than he thought humanly possible,
"I'll take full responsibility, make sure no one else gets hurt,"
"No you fucking won't!" the Bulgarian shouts, large green eyes now full of determination, "If you do that you go straight to fucking jail, you're already older than eighteen!"
"So?" Ivan asks, apparently unfazed,
"I can't let you do that, Ivan! I'll take the blame as well, I'm only seventeen, so they'll just send me to Juvie and-"
Alin's mind goes blank for a second, the scene before him blackening around the corners,
"You can't do that!" he finds himself screaming, desperation poking from the edges of the words, "Not after you've changed so much, you've been doing so much better,"
Nikolai meets his eyes, suddenly full of sadness and regret,
"Allie, I'll be back before you know it," he tries to assure, to calm him down as he steps closer towards the edge,
"No, no, no! I'm not letting you go anywhere," he argues fanatically, unwilling to let the other get hurt – not after what they have built together,
"And neither am I," Ivan asserts, his voice one that bears no objections,
The Bulgarian crosses his arms over his chest, his evident bullheadedness coming to the surface,
"So what I don't get to have a say?"
"No. Radko is dead and I'm not going to endanger you too."
The Bulgarian opens his mouth to argue but all words die on his lips as he sees it's a lost cause, as he realizes once Ivan sets his mind to something there is no force on Earth that can change his decision.
xxx
Alin doesn't know what do next. Should he offer some comfort to Ivan? Won't that count as hypocrisy? He doesn't like the guy a bit and although it's touching to see how much he cares about Nikolai that still doesn't change the fact he's homophobic and abusive, a drug dealer and an overall terrible person.
"What about Katya and Natalya?" it's the Bulgarian that asks, face pale and worried,
"They're with the neighbouring lady and they're fine…as much as they can be,"
The green eyed boy nods, a tiny sigh of relief flying past his lips.
Ivan catches his gaze, a serious look in those almost colourless blue eyes,
"When I'm gone…" he pauses for a fraction of a second, waving away any protests the younger teen might have, "You have to take care of them. And I know you will, maybe better than I ever have."
"You've done a perfect job," the Bulgarian tries to assure and Alin silences any words of disagreement he has,
"I did what I could. And I don't regret the choices I made as there were no other. I was choosing between one wrong decision and another," he licks his lips, apparently finding it hard to continue, "But you don't have the heart to be a criminal, I've always known that."
Nikolai wants to say something but nothing comes to mind and so the other speaks on,
"So just…live your life in a good way, right?" Ivan finishes off, voice breaking a little, "And take care of Katya and Natalya as I know you will and maybe come visit in jail when you have the time?"
"Of course I will!" Nikolai cries out, as if that's a given as much as the fact the sky is blue that way. As if he cannot imagine a life without the Russian in it.
Alin stares at the scene, feeling like a bystander, like he's watching a movie, something he's not part of but he's still invested in, something that's affecting him.
A fraction of him wants to protest, he wants the Bulgarian to cut off all connections with Ivan, he wants the blonde to become a thing of the past, a distant bad memory. But he realizes that can't happen, he means too much to Nikolai, he is still his family.
And good or bad, Alin knows how important family is.
xxx
The next morning Popescu wakes up alone in bad and it takes a long while for him to realize what's going on. Then the memories from yesterday flood his mind and leave a bitter taste in his mouth.
Not bothering to switch from his pink pajamas, he gets up from bed and tiptoes across the hall, stopping dead in his tracks as he takes in the view in the living room.
On the couch Nikolai and Ivan are still asleep, snuggled in against one another.
The Romanian doesn't feel any bitterness or jealousy, he's mature enough to know that's a different kind of bond but just as strong as the one he shares with the Bulgarian.
Alin wants to leave as he realizes it's not his place to interrupt but then Nikolai moves and props himself on his elbows, rubbing away the sleep from his green eyes.
He slowly gets up, careful not to wake up the older boy
"Добро утро," he greets awkwardly, hands in his pockets as he refuses to meet his gaze,
"Morning," Alin mumbles, unsure how to deal with the entire thing.
There's a beat of silence between them and it feels tense and unnatural, as though something is out of place.
"Come on, let's go to the kitchen, Ivan needs sleep," Nikolai suggests and leads the way to the other room.
There he busies himself making breakfast, his movements more rushed than needed. Popescu vaguely realizes the other probably isn't hungry, he just finds solace in doing something familiar, busing his hands in way he must hope would distract him until for one blissful second he forgets.
Alin takes a deep breath, he needs to address the elephant in the room, sooner or later.
"Are we going to talk about it?" he asks sheepishly, leaning in against the counter of the kitchen. Trying to look casual, inject some normalcy in the whole madness the way he's learnt to do from the Bulgarian. It's a coping mechanism as good as any other.
Ivanov freezes for a fraction of a second, his grip on the jar of mustard tightening,
"What use is it to talk about it?" he grunts in the end and Alin can almost see the walls he surrounds himself with come back up, hold him at distance.
"Do you…I mean, will you miss Radko?"
There's a pause, longer than necessary. In the end the Bulgarian leans over the other side of the kitchen counter heavily, turning to face him. The look in his green eyes is lost,
"I know I should miss him. He was my family. But…" he leaves the words hanging in the air, "But we were never close. He hated me and I think he hated the whole world for that matter."
Popescu nods, mind flying to the troublesome Serbian. The racism, the homophobia, the overall cruelty that he surrounded himself with. The way he believed those things helped when in reality they were destroying him.
"I don't miss him," Alin blurts out, "He was mean and arrogant and bigoted."
Nikolai sighs heavily,
"He still shouldn't have died. No one deserves to die so young."
The Romanian stares at him, taking in the statement. Nikolai doesn't say it out of obligation, out of a need to be politically correct like most people do these days. Like when some musician dies and suddenly everyone loved his music though they never listened to a song of his the day before.
With Niko it's different, evident in his light eyes he genuinely believes it,
"You have every right to hate Radko," Alin points out, "And yet you still say something like that."
The Bulgarian shrugs, busying himself once more,
"You're such a good person," Alin spills to which Nikolai only turns around, the smirk having returned to his face. It's a mask after all, one he uses to put up a distance between people, make sure they don't get to know the real him.
"Mmm, don't get used to it." He says, trying to insert some humour and Alin thinks how the other would be laughing even at his death bed, that's just how he deals with things.
Popescu walks up to him on autopilot, wrapping skinny hands around him as he tiptoes and seals their lips together.
"You know you're not going anywhere…right?" he demands, words laced with a bit of desperation.
Nikolai opens his mouth to protest but then closes it, letting himself have this moment of intimacy as he kisses him once more, soaking in the pleasant light of the early January morning.
xxx
Alin is left alone as Ivan and Nikolai head home, so they can put things into motion, whatever gruesome meaning those words have.
The Romanian fidgets with his fingers, unsure what to do once the Bulgarian leaves. The whole situation weighs him down, the absurdity of it, how ridiculous Radko's death is.
It makes the whole day somber, despite the sun shining bright outside. His mind is flooded by a sudden wave of appreciation for his life, his family which minus his troublesome father has always been there for him, supporting his every step, offering guidance.
And his motherland as well – he feels a wave of nostalgia wash over him, he misses the place more than he ever has in his short life as an immigrant.
Romania may not be rich or all-powerful like the USA but it's his, a tiny fraction of land that he and another nineteen million people call home. And there, somewhere in that massive number of people, of lives and connections between them are his grandparents.
Alin feels his heart throb with regret as he realizes how long it's been his last call. Without thinking it through he grabs onto his phone and dials the number he knows by heart. The tone dial seems to ring forever in his ears.
"Hey…grandpa," he greets simply, releasing a breath he hasn't realized he's been holding for so long,
"Allie!" the older man cries out, the joy in his voice evident, "Allie, you haven't called for so long!"
"I'm sorry…" he mumbles, realizing his mistake,
"It's okay," the other assures, "But…has something happened?"
The younger Romanian licks his lips, a small sigh flying past his lips,
"A lot has happened,"
And he goes on to tell him everything, like the times when he was a kid and he would share his entire world – every part of it with his grandparents and they would just listen and make him feel like it would all be okay because they were always by his side.
xxx
It's dark when Alin finally hears a knock on the door and he leaps out of bed, knocking the book he's been reading on the floor and dashing to answer.
Against the doorframe Nikolai leans in heavily and he can tell immediately the other is drunk.
"Oh, Niko…" he mumbles, silently grateful his mother and sister are still away as he doesn't want them to see him this way.
"Sorry," the Bulgarian comments, slim pale fingers still clinging onto a bottle of cheap vodka,
"It's okay," the Romanian says out of habit, pushing away the anger and disappointment which bubble up his chest.
He's dejected by his boyfriend returning to his old ways, falling back to the abyss. But even more so, he's worried he may not be able to catch him.
"What happened?" he asks sheepishly, taking a step towards the taller teen and ignoring the usual smell of alcohol, mixed in with tobacco which assaults his nostrils.
"Ivan wanted to get drunk one last time before jail," Nikolai admits, words warped through the filter of heavy Slavic accent and intoxication,
"Oh," Alin mumbles, sensing he should have expected such a turn of events, "Come on, let's get you inside,"
He stretches out a hand and takes the bottle away from the other, sighing as he notices it's already empty. Nikolai hesitates for a second, as though he's planning on leaving and it makes his heart slam against his chest,
"You are coming inside," he asserts, surprising the both of them with the strength behind the words, "I'm not taking no for an answer."
The Bulgarian opens his mouth to protest, purely out of habit but then closes it and offers a tiny nod. Alin takes his hand and leads the way, mentally noting how cold the other is, missing a jacket and sporting nothing but an oversized sweatshirt which he ties to Ivan.
"You should eat something," he points out as they enter the living room but the other shakes his head,
"Already did. Katya would never leave us hungry,"
The Romanian nods, a smile tugging at his lips. But its short lived as his mind flies back to the Ukrainian girl and it fills up with sympathy for her as well. She doesn't deserve any of this,
"How is she holding up?"
Nikolai shrugs, unable to put into words the emotions which Alin can read on his pale face,
"She…wasn't close to Radko either," he admits after a pause that goes on too long, "But she blames herself…I told her it's not her fault, she couldn't have protected him."
Popescu nods in agreement,
"She's done more than enough," he comments, his own dark brown eyes filled with genuine admiration for the older girl, "I don't know her well but she seems like such a caring and kind person,"
"She is," Nikolai is quick to assure, "She's the best sister I could have asked for."
He bites his lip,
"And…it breaks my heart she feels guilty when she did everything right for me and Radko. It's not her fault he didn't want to change, that he clung onto hatred."
"You can't save some people," Alin comments, words flying past his lips before he can stop himself.
The Bulgarian snaps in his direction, green eyes now full of hurt.
"You…really think that?" he asks, voice so small he finds it hard to tie it to him,
"Oh, Niko…" the Romanian starts, the realization of his mistake dawning on him, "I didn't mean it like that,"
The other looks away and Alin can feel his heart constrict with sympathy, he wants to offer comfort and reassurance but his own insecurity prevents him from it.
"Let's…go to bed?" he says in the end, taking his hand once more and all but dragging him towards his room, trying to ignore the way Niko sways a little too much on the way.
Popescu shakes his head – his boyfriend has almost inhuman level of alcohol tolerance, so he doesn't want to consider the amount he must have drunk with Ivan.
And what's even worse – how bad he must feel to drink so much when he was doing so well.
xxx
Despite all the drama Alin falls asleep as soon his head hits the pillow and Nikolai – even before him. He's still amazed at the other's superpower to sleep anywhere, anytime but he just writes it down in the long list of the Bulgarian's peculiarities.
It's not until much later in the night that he hears some strange, muffled noise, waking him up. Popescu is ready to ignore it and snuggle right back into the pile of warmth that his boyfriend is.
His hand stretches to feel the other but then all that happens is him touching the empty sheets of his bed. That makes him sit up, drowsy brain finally making the connection – is Nikolai making that sound?
And then something clicks and he realizes that sounds like crying. The sudden notion knocks his breath away and for one long second he has no idea what to do.
Should he pretend to be asleep? No. He can't ignore the other, can't let him suffer when he's just a few steps away.
"Niko?" he asks carefully, voice so soft he sounds like he's trying to comfort an injured kitten,
He finds the Bulgarian in the bathroom, squatting on the floor in his sweatpants. His face is red from crying, his hair sticking in all directions. Alin is taken aback he still manages to somehow look beautiful, even in such a situation.
Nikolai doesn't even notice him at first which alarms further and suddenly he feels light-headed, helpless before the intensity of the scene.
"Niko?" he calls out and the other finally looks up, green eyes widening in shock as he takes him in,
He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out, only a quiet, strangled sob,
"Niko, what's wrong?" Alin asks sheepishly, taking carefully measured steps until he reaches his boyfriend and sits on the floor next to him, cross-legged.
The Bulgarian flinches away, as if he's scared he might hurt him and that worries him further.
What feels like eternity passes in the quiet silence of the night as Ivanov struggles to take a shaky breath, calm himself down.
"You shouldn't see me like this," he manages to croak in the end, voice strained and wavering a bit,
"Why not?" Alin questions, leaning in and hovering a small hand above the other before putting it on his shoulder and offering a tiny squeeze.
"Cause it's fucking pathetic for a man to cry," the Bulgarian mumbles, looking away.
"That's just some stereotype about gender roles," Popescu points out which oddly enough makes Nikolai chuckle and he counts it as a victory,
"You sound like some girl on Tumblr," he comments, trying to joke but it doesn't work this time.
Alin notices the way his hands shake a little and all he can do is snuggle closer, in some vain attempt that just being there will offer the needed comfort. He wraps his hands around the other and Nikolai responds right away, pulling him in.
It's weird to the point it feels almost unnatural. The Bulgarian is usually like stone – tough and unmoving. He has a sharp tongue and quick fists and he looks like nothing in the world can bring him down.
But now…now he looks so small and broken that Popescu has to struggle to accept this is real, this is just another side of him he's tried to hide so far. And he realizes this is probably the tiny six year old Bulgarian who lost his father. The one that was dragged to a country he didn't know and all he had as comfort was Radko - of all people - for the longest time.
There's an even longer stretch of silence and Niko's breath evens out as he feverishly wipes away the last few stray tears.
"I don't wanna end up like Radko,"
The words dissipate in the darkness and yet they echo in Alin's brain for what he knows will be the rest of his life,
"Oh, Niko," he mumbles, "Of course you won't."
The Bulgarian laughs at him but its mirthless and cynical, it sounds wrong.
"Why the fuck not?" he demands, some anger to his words, "You really think we're all that different? I'm the same fucked up bastard he is!"
Popescu is taken aback by the claim for it's so far away from truth it couldn't be more of a lie. What surprises him even more is the fleck of self-doubt, the underlining self-hatred behind his words.
It shocks him because – isn't self-hatred his own domain?
Then again, as he's slowly starting to learn, everyone seems to have their own demons to tame. And maybe the only way they can do it is together.
"No, you're not!" he asserts, voice bearing so much conviction it takes by surprise the both of them, "You're nothing like that monster!"
"You would never hurt an innocent girl. You would never try to rape a woman who says no to you,"
The Bulgarian offers a tiny not, as if he can accept that,
"And you would never beat someone up just for being gay," he adds, "The first day you helped me out without even knowing me."
"Not a big deal," Ivanov mumbles, "Anyone would've done it,"
"No they wouldn't," Alin asserts,
Nikolai finally seems to cave in, his usual bullheadedness dissolving somewhere in the black of the night.
"Even if I'm not as bad as Radko…do you know how many other Serbians have died like this?" he asks, voice seemingly stern but helplessness still poking from the edges of the words, "Or Bulgarians? Russians and Ukrainians and everyone else?"
Popescu bites his lip, unsure of what his reply should be. He might be Eastern European and yet…Romania is different. Alin hasn't thought much of it but these days he realizes how starkly his motherland contrasts against the rest .
His country is at peace. It's not perfect but it's doing better. The gay community is slowly getting more rights and the advocates for it grow by the day. There are protests against corruption, a demand for justice. The country is making progress.
Romania is not locked in an endless cycle of war, hatred and vengeance the way so many are.
And that – peace – is something Alin realizes people, including him do not value enough.
Because he can see what the absence of it does to people, how hatred, garnered with the scars of the past warp the human psyche, how every war leaves ripples in time and space.
"I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to end up in jail, or dead like Radko," Nikolai adds, pulling Alin away from his little introspection as he looks up and takes the other in.
"That's just some bullshit."
The words are so strong, they seem to shock the both of them and manage to yank the Bulgarian away from the edge of desperation. Popescu normally never swears and so he knows he's gained his attention.
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is you can be and do whatever you want," he explains, "And before you start saying you can't, yes you can. You're one of the strongest, smartest, kindest and most interesting people I've ever met."
Nikolai offers the smallest of nods, blink and you miss it. Still, having in mind his bullheadedness Alin writes it down as a win.
"Not to mention, I'm not letting you go anywhere." He adds to which the other has a strange reaction,
It alarms Popescu as he takes in the worry in his eyes. They're bloodshot and he notices how they look blue instead of green. Alin doesn't like blue.
"Allie…about that…the police might still want to lock me up, regardless of what Ivan tells them.
xxx
At first the Romanian is terrified from his words, the notion hasn't crossed his mind. Then his brains leaps into action, drawing various plans, branching out, coming up with ideas.
And in the end he knows what he must do. He just hopes it works.
xxx
The next day he leaves Nikolai with Katya and Natalya and heads towards the one person he never thought he'd pay a visit to.
He rings the bell, praying the other is home. And fortunately he is - as soon as he comes out his light eyes widen in an almost comical way, evidently taken aback at his appearance in his home.
"Alin was it? What on Earth are you doing here?"
"I need your help."
Author's Note: Thoughts on Ivan being selfless? Ah, I swear Russia has a good side too, don't know he's always portrayed as the go to bad guy xD
Shout to : Guest, maryranstadler1, Gargoyl, , Canada Cowboy for the reviews!
Do you think Nikolai is going to evade jail? And who do you think Alin went to ask help from?
P.S: I promise next chapter will be a bit more light-hearted and we will *finally* get some things going between the two XD