Chapter 3: Lunch with Zelretch is never a simple affair

It was a beautiful day in mid-June. The air was crisp and cool and the Swiss Alps thrust out of the ground like giant teeth. Altrouge was sitting in a chair on her porch admiring the sunrise. Even now, three years later, she never tired of it.

Her modest home was located in a meadow filled with wildflowers high on the slopes of one of the towering monuments to nature's majesty. A thousand feet above the house a jagged spire of rock thrust straight into the sky. A majestic waterfall could be seen reflecting the early morning light high on the mountain as it fell several hundred feet before vanishing into the cave system below. The base of this pinnacle, where meadow met cliff, had hundreds of caves that bored into the rock filled with untold treasures and dangers. Not far down the mountain, the forest began. A forest of ancient twisted pines that had withstood the wrath of countless winters. There was a majesty to these trees not found in younger forests. When entering the woods it felt as if you had traveled back in time to a more primitive age. An age before man had conquered the world and tamed the forests.

The house itself was a simple structure with two stories. A large front porch faced down the mountain towards the rising sun. Several chairs sat upon it and a hammock hung from the overhanging balcony. There was a table next to Altrouge with a large book sitting upon it, ignored in favor of watching the sun rise from behind distant peaks.

The downstairs level of the house was built into the side of the mountain, with the second floor being at ground-level behind the building. It had a nice kitchen at the back of the house with a well-stocked pantry, and a dining room on the right side of the house. On the front side of the building, behind the porch, was a large living room with many windows providing a panoramic view of the valley below. Near the back of this room there were stairs that led up to the second level where the living quarters were located. On that floor were three moderately sized bedrooms, one for Harry, one for Altrouge, and one for guests, along with two fully furnished bathrooms and a balcony over the porch. The back side of the house, despite being above ground level, had only two windows and no doors as the roof sloped down to meet with the ground to protect the house from avalanches as they were common during the winter months.

The house also contained a basement which was filled with even more supplies, from dried meat to piles of potatoes and other root vegetables, stacks of logs next to the wood stove which heated the house, and a passage down to the underground stream which ran out of the caves above and under the house. The stream was cold and the current swift. It was used to provide water and electricity to Altrouge's dwelling as the nearest human settlement was over a dozen miles away in the valley.

Time passed and the sky brightened. Eventually, Altrouge stirred, picked up the book which lay beside her and began to read. Sounds could be heard coming from within the house now, Harry was finally up and appeared to be preparing breakfast. She had told him many times that he need not do so, he was only four after all, but the last time she had pointed that out he had pouted and said "I's almost five Alt, I'mma big boy now! Beside' you makes lunch and dinner, I need to help too." So Altrouge had given up and allowed him to prepare breakfast.

A heavenly smell drifted out one of the open windows. It appeared breakfast today would be bacon and eggs. As she was a dead apostle, Altrouge technically did not need to eat food as drinking blood was enough to sustain her. At first, she had not wanted to eat food; it did nothing to help her sustain her body. However, the pleading expression on Harry's face quickly overcame her reluctance, and his beaming smile when she did eat convinced her that she had made the correct decision. The food was heavenly. Altrouge did not know how one as young as Harry could cook such perfect food, and was even more surprised when she found eating his food reduced her thirst. As long as she did not need to do anything strenuous, such as fight another ancestor, the wonders of Harry's cooking made it so she only needed to drink blood once a week.

Harry walked out and carefully placed two plates on the table then returned to the kitchen for their drinks. He brought a glass of orange juice for himself, and a glass of blood, his blood, for Altrouge as he was well aware of her vampirism. They had discovered nearly a year earlier, after Harry had fallen and cut himself, that his blood had marvelous properties. Even a small amount provided far more energy than the blood within the average adult human. It also replenished very rapidly, not only making it nearly impossible for young Harry to die of blood loss, but also quickly healing any wounds he had. Altrouge did not know why this was the case, she had attempted to find out but the results were rather inconclusive. Her hypothesis was that it had something to do with his element or origin, it was the only reason she could think of for blood to have such mystical properties.

Finishing her thoughts, Altrouge looked down at the plate in front of her. Harry had really outdone himself that morning, mixing mushrooms and onions into the eggs along with aged English cheddar and fresh thyme.

They ate in silence, enjoying each other's company and the majestic view before them. Once finished, Harry made to collect the plates but before he could, he found himself stopped.

"Let me take care of it as thanks for such a marvelous breakfast Harry. Why don't you go off and play with Primy while I clean up."

Harry beamed at her. "Ok Alt, see you at lunch."

And with that he ran off into the meadow. A minute later a massive white wolf which was nearly twelve feet high bounded out from behind the house and rapidly closed the distance to Harry. It grabbed the back of his shirt with its massive teeth and swung the young boy onto its back while he shrieked with laughter. Then it left as quickly as it had come, charging down the mountain into the waiting forest while Harry's laughter drifted up the meadow on the morning breeze.

Altrouge smiled at his antics, cleaned the table and took everything inside to wash in the kitchen. When she returned half an hour later she found a large man with untidy grey hair and a shaggy grey beard sitting on her chair reading her book. His face was lined with age and his mouth was curved into a slight smile. The man was wearing an ornate black suit with silver trimming and a black cloak was thrown over the back of the chair. His eyes left the book and moved over to Altrouge taking in her appearance. They were red much like her own, but several shades lighter. He closed the book and stood up.

"I have to say, it's good seeing you like this. I'm not sure I've ever seen you look so content or carefree before," he stated.

Zelretch the Wizard Marshal, master of the Kaleidoscope, the second True Magic capable of inter-dimensional travel and manipulation, had come to visit.

"It's been a while old man," Altrouge said suspiciously. "So why are you here?"

"Ouch that hurts," he replied clutching his chest in mock pain. "To be called old by someone like you."

"Are you implying something about my age?" Altrouge asked smiling sweetly. A black aura began to manifest around her.

"Ah, um, that is, no I'm not implying anything of the sort young lady," stumbled Zelretch backpedaling quickly holding his hands before him in a placating manor and laughing nervously.

"Good." The aura vanished and Altrouge smiled brightly. "As you can clearly see, I am 15. Now what do you want?"

"1500 more like," Zelretch muttered under his breath. The aura returned full force.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing at all." And once more the aura vanished leaving a traumatized Wizard Marshal.

"Now, imagine my surprise when I returned to this dimension and discovered your actions three years ago," Zelretch started. "Altrouge, do you know what you've done?" Zelretch continued seriously, the earlier playfulness in his demeanor was now gone. "When I returned to the Clock Tower the place was absolute chaos!"

"But..." Altrouge started.

"Not only did you walk right in to the heart of the Mage's Association, the lair of The Queen, you also managed to psychologically damage many magi by your mere presence. One of them even decided then and there to retire early and moved to the Bahamas!"

She tried to speak again, but Zelretch was not finished.

"And then, you walk right in to Lorelei's office, not a care in the world, psych her out with the perfectly reasonable fear of your boredom, have her give you the information you are looking for, make her drop her guard by starting to leave and then turn her into a dead apostle! To top it all off, you made her ancestor number 12, giving her the rank of one she vanquished!"

Altrouge looked down and kicked at the floor. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," she mumbled.

"The poor woman was so shocked that she had suddenly become that which she hated most that she fell into a coma. For a year." Zelretch continued unimpeded. "The Mage's Association doesn't know what to do, their Vice-Director, The Queen of the Clock Tower, Dead Apostle Hunter Extraordinaire, is now a member of the Ancestors. And that is to say nothing of her family. The Barthomeloi as a whole hate dead apostles, and now the best of them is one! They've all been running around in a panic like chickens with their heads cut off!"

Altrouge seemed to shrink in on herself. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"And then, after all the chaos in the Clock Tower, you had to go do the same in the Wizarding world. You killed no less than 8 heads of Ancient and Noble houses along with their spouses and occasionally children as well over the course of three months. When the authorities arrived they found nothing but desiccated corpses and a note from you claiming responsibility. Two lines were completely destroyed by your actions and the new head of House Malfoy, young Lucius Malfoy has attempted organize a hunt in revenge for your destruction of the rest of his family. Of course, they are all far too scared of you to do anything of the sort."

Altrouge wanted to find a hole in the ground and die. Never in her 1500 years of life had she been chastised this severely before. "But they were all working for Voldy-Dort" she said weakly (A/N "dort" means "cake" in Czech).

"And then," said Zelretch oblivious of her attempt to speak, towering over her. "And then I found that you kidnapped the kid who put an end to Lord Snake Face's terrorization of Wizarding Britain. And you did it right under their noses and are now raising him yourself. The best part is that they haven't even realized that he's gone yet! The Savior of the Wizarding World, The-Boy-Who-Lived, raised by a vampire. By you no less, The Slayer of Nobles. Can you imagine how much chaos will occur once they finally realize he's gone? Can you imagine how much worse it will be when they discover that he's been raised by their worst nightmare, you?"

Altrouge was about to cry. Dead apostles did not cry, especially ones as ancient and feared as her. 'It wasn't wrong for me to take Harry in and raise him, was it?' she thought. 'That McGonagall woman was right; he never would have had a happy childhood in that house.' She had become quite attached to her little bundle of energy.

Eyes watering, she looked up at Zelretch a forlorn expression on her face. He had finally finished his rant. A tear came out of his eye and he wiped it away surprising Altrouge. Why was he crying? Did she cause so much trouble for him? What was going on?

A minute later Zelretch spoke shattering the silence with his words, "I have never been so proud in my life as I was when I heard what you had done."

"Wha...?"

"You pulled off not one, but TWO ultimate pranks while I was away. You caused Lorelei great mental trauma and your actions are forcing the uptight woman to reconsider her beliefs and caused maximum chaos in the Association. A masterful strike. Then you not only wiped out some of the worst bigots in the Wizarding World but also stole their Savior. The coming storm of chaos when they discover that will blow the chaos caused by your assassinations out of the water!"

Zelretch was crying in earnest now, a large grin plastered on his face. He suddenly pulled Altrouge into a hug and began sobbing into her shoulder. She didn't know what to do. She had never been in this type of situation before.

Zelretch continued, speaking into her shoulder between sobs. "Finally after all these years my efforts have paid off. You have finally learned the sacred arts of pranking and the ways of chaos, I couldn't have done a better job myself. I was afraid this day would never come."

Altrouge tentatively put her arms around him and patted his back. She really should have seen this coming. She had known the man for centuries and he had attempted to corrupt her with his pranks on every one of his sporadic visits.

A few minutes later Zelretch stood up, took out a handkerchief, and blew his nose.

"Now then, where is young Harry at the moment? I came to see how he was doing living with you. You haven't turned him have you?"

"No, he's much too young to be turned. I might turn him when he's older if he is interested. As for where he is, I believe he's about halfway up that mountain with Primate Murder."

Zelretch paled. "You left a young child with that beast?"

"They actually get along quite well. He rides around the mountains on top of his 'big doggy' terrorizing the local wildlife daily."

Suddenly Zelretch burst out laughing. "The Primate Murder. Being ridden by a four-year-old like a horse. The terrifying Beast of Gaia that can instantly slaughter thousands of humans with but a thought. Tamed by a child barely out of his diapers. It's too much."

He collapsed on the porch holding his stomach. After a few minutes Zelretch composed himself and began to rise only to begin laughing once more.

Altrouge smiled and shook her head and walked back into the house. Zelretch could be incredibly childish at times, despite being among the strongest beings on the planet. The Zelretch who had defeated and sealed Type-Moon away. The Zelretch who was master of the second True Magic, the Kaleidoscope. That Zelretch was rolling around on the front porch laughing hysterically because of something she did.

A few minutes later he had composed himself once more and Altrouge exited the house carrying a glass of cold water and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he said taking it. "So do you know when Harry will return, I really do need to see him."

"He should be back for lunch in about an hour. On that note, I should start cooking." Altrouge began to reenter the house, but stopped. "What's with that incredulous look? I can cook you know, better than you at least. I'll bet there isn't a single person who cooks worse than you! How did you manage to burn water last time anyway?"

Meanwhile in Northern Germany

One Kiritsugu Emiya cursed as the pot began to smoke. Why was making pasta so hard?

Back in Switzerland

Zelretch mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said, I grew impatient waiting for the water to boil and decided to use my Jewled Sword to speed up the process. Wizards do that sort of thing all the time. It wasn't my fault that it caught on fire."

Altrouge sighed, face in her hands. Zelretch was not only childish but also lacked common sense. "Regardless of the cause," she said, "you will not be touching my kitchen ever again."

The Wizard Marshal looked mutinous. "But there is this great recipe I discovered on Celaeno..."

"No. No experimenting with foods from Cthulhu's dimension. I don't want an eldritch abomination to accidentally be summoned in my kitchen and then wipe out life on Earth. The last time you tried to do so, you nearly summoned another Type-Mercury. One of those monsters is more than enough thank-you-very-much."

At this, Zelretch visibly wilted. "Can I at least bring a friend for lunch? You know what they say, the more the merrier!"

Releasing a deep sigh, Altrouge relented, "I suppose you can as long as it's not an eldritch abomination or extra-dimensional being. Now stop looking at me like that already! You look like a beaten puppy."

He immediately recovered and opened a portal next to him. A moment later a person tumbled out and landed face-first on the porch. Altrouge stiffened. Despite not having seen her for over 600 years, she knew who it was. Zelretch had just summoned Arcueid Brunestud, the last of the True Ancestors, to lunch.

-End of chapter 3-

Author's Note:

If any of you are wondering about Harry's behavior (him giving his own blood to Altrouge), remember that he is not exactly being raised in a normal home. As a young impressionable child who wishes to please his mother figure he will do whatever he can to be a "big boy" and be helpful. Even if that includes using pointy objects to fill a cup with his blood. Fortunately, doing so does not appear to have any negative effects and young Harry has quickly built up an impressive pain tolerance so it doesn't bother him any. Altrouge, as she is not human, has done nothing to curb his giving blood because it seems to have no adverse effects on Harry and because his blood is super tasty (to her). She was a bit concerned when he first did it because losing that much blood could seriously injure a small child. However, as there were no negative consequences, she is unconcerned by his behavior.