Note for older readers: the end of this chapter has been changed as chapter 8 now expands greatly on those events.
Chapter 7: Meet the Einzberns
'What's a helicopter doing out here?'
She could see it now flying around the mountain towards her home. With a slight frown Altrouge marked her place in the story and prepared to meet the imminent arrivals.
The helicopter landed a few dozen meters in front of her house on a small stone outcrop which was level, unlike the rest of the meadow which sloped down towards the valley. Three humans exited the vehicle. First was a tall dark man, an Asian if she wasn't mistaken. He wore all black clothing including a black trench coat. Several weapons, most of them guns, were barely visible on his person. He looked at her and tensed, putting a hand out to caution the next passenger.
It was a beautiful woman and entirely clothed in white, the complete opposite of the man. She had long white hair and red eyes, but was obviously not an apostle. A homunculus perhaps? The woman carried a young child clad in purple with similar features, likely her child.
Observations complete, Altrouge stepped off her porch into the sunlight to greet her guests. The man, she noticed, relaxed slightly when she came into the light. He was probably incorrectly revising his classification of her as a dead apostle as very few willingly entered sunlight. Altrouge, being extraordinarily powerful and a hybrid, was an exception to the rule.
"Welcome strangers to my humble abode. Might I know to whom I am speaking and the purpose of your visit?"
The woman replied before the man had a chance to do so. She seemed incredibly cheerful. "I am Irisviel von Einzbern," she began with a curtsey, "this is my daughter Illyasviel and my husband Kiritsugu Emiya. We were contracted by the Clock Tower to deal with a… problem that The Queen's new apprentice has and told that we could find him here."
"You Einzberns sure work fast, I had not expected you to arrive for a couple more weeks. The apprentice in question is my son Harry," Altrouge said with a smile. "I am most grateful for the help."
"And you are?" The man- Kiritsugu Emiya, widely known as the magus killer- asked gruffly.
"Ah, where are my manors, I am Altrouge Brunestud," she replied with a cute curtsey.
The Einzberns froze upon hearing her name. Kiritsugu's face was blank and cold, his hands twitched towards his concealed weaponry. Irisviel appeared to be in shock and Altrouge could make out her daughter asking what the problem was. They remained frozen that way for a full minute while Altrouge watched them in amusement.
She was about to speak again when Arcueid burst out of the house with her typical impeccable timing, her long hair streaming behind her, declaring "Lunch time!"
A second later she noticed the guests and practically teleported to them before bombarding them with questions. The Einzberns still had not moved an inch; it almost appeared as if their brains had been shut down by the unanticipated situation.
A clear *smack* resounded through the meadow. Time appeared to restart for the frozen Einzbern parents and they saw a most curious sight. Altrouge Brunestud, the most feared living (unliving?) Dead Apostle Ancestor, had just facepalmed.
"Meet my hyperactive sister, Arcueid Brunestud," she proclaimed. Time froze again.
And then Arcueid pulled Illya out of the frozen Irisviel's arms and began playing with her saying "Is this your daughter? She's soooooo cute! Can I keep her? Please!"
This pulled Irisviel out of her stupor and she began chatting with Arcueid at a mile a minute. Kiritsugu, however, was unresponsive. It appeared that the shock of finding Altrouge and Arcueid together was enough to cause him to faint while standing.
When Kiritsugu woke he found himself lying on a couch in an unfamiliar room. There was a table that had been set for lunch. The room had several large windows providing a breathtaking view of the valley below. The ornately carved furniture appeared to be entirely made of mahogany wood as it was a wonderful crimson color. A hanging lamp, not big enough to be called a chandelier but certainly pretty enough, hung over the center of the table. Around the edge of the room were cabinets which displayed fine china, silver, and crystal. The walls were a pale blue and largely undecorated, though there were several framed childish drawings of what appeared to be an enormous wolf next to a young boy.
After sitting up, he heard voices coming from a door to his left. It opened and his wife entered the room together with a blonde beauty whose name he could not quite recall. For some reason attempting to do so was giving him a headache. They set what they had been carrying, bowls of French onion soup, upon the table while speaking excitedly together. Kiritsugu surveyed the room once more attempting to locate what was missing before suddenly realizing that Illya was nowhere to be seen.
Jumping up off the couch, he attempted to draw his gun to interrogate the stranger on the location of his daughter. It was not there. In fact, none of his weapons were and his sudden movement caused him to be overcome by a wave of vertigo forcing him to sit down once more.
"Oh, Kiri, you're up!" Irisveil exclaimed before coming over to check on him.
"Where's Illya?" He managed to growl.
"Illya? She's outside running around with Harry. I was just about to call them in."
"Yeah, don't worry about her. Alt and Prim will make sure she stays out of trouble," the blonde stranger added.
"Excuse me miss?"
"You already forgot? I'm Arcueid Brunestud! But you can just call me Arc like everyone else does!" The blonde enthusiastically exclaimed.
A throbbing pain overwhelmed the infamous magus killer and his vision faded to black once more. Before he passed out he could just make out the stranger laughing and saying "Your husband is really silly Iris."
To an outsider, lunch must have been a comical sight. The magus killer, a homunculus, two children, and the Brunestud sisters all eating French cuisine together while carefully avoiding any mention of the fact that the Brunestud sisters were at the table to avoid yet another fainting spell from the magus killer. Kiritsugu and Altrouge contributed little to the conversation as they had quickly learned that any attempt to do so was ignored and overridden by the chatterboxes known as Arcueid and Irisveil. Meanwhile, Harry and Illya were lost in their own world in which Illya was trying to convert Harry to follow her new found god: The Great Fuzzy (known to most of the world as Primate Murder and to a select few as Prim).
Arcueid and Irisveil talked about everything and nothing at a pace that would make even the most experienced auctioneer's head spin:
"What do you mean you've never been to Paris? It's not even that far away! If I ran it would only take a couple of hours to get there!"
"I know! But old man Acht won't let me leave the castle," Irisveil replied with a pout, "I've always wanted to leave and see the world but I just can't!"
"Ouch. That sounds like me before I was literally dragged out of my pity party by the old troll. I never saw much of the world until recently."
"WHAT? But you're like, centuries old! How could you not go explore everything!"
"I know! I was so focused on my task that I was ignorant of everything else. I was basically a killer robot."
"What's a robot?"
"You don't know what a robot is?"
"No, is it some kind of magecraft?"
"Someday I'm going to go murder that man for keeping you cooped up like that. A robot is basically a metal human that is programmed to follow orders. They often appear in science fiction and movies."
"What's a movie?"
"You know what, we are watching Star Wars tonight. The Return of the Jedi came out last year so this must be rectified immediately!"
"Ooh, sounds fun!"
"And then, this weekend, I'm going to take you on my expedition."
"Expedition?"
"Yeah, every week I head out to explore some new place in the world and see the sights!"
"Really? Count me in! Well… I hope you can count me in. Grandpa Acht might not be happy about me travelling with you."
"If he has a problem with it I'll deal with him."
"So where did you go last week?"
"I visited the Amazon rainforest. I even found an Apple Butler!"
"Oh for the love of… not this again. Arc there is no such thing as an Apple Butler!" Altrouge exclaimed, interjecting in the conversation.
"Yes there is," Arcueid replied stubbornly, "I saw one. It's this giant man-eating fungus that lives deep within the rainforest."
"Oooh, kind of like a giant sentient slime-mold?" Illyasviel chimed in.
"Exactly!"
"Cool! I want one. Mom, can I have an apple butler please?"
"Maybe, if we manage to find one this weekend Illya."
"Yay! Harry, do you think the Fuzzy will appreciate having a sentient fungus butler?"
"So Arc, how exactly did you meet Altrouge?" Irisveil asked while Harry and Illya began an animated discussion on the pros and cons of having an apple butler pet.
"Well, I was locked away in my castle like normal…"
"You have a castle! Can I see it?"
"No, unfortunately Zelretch still won't allow me to access it. Jerk. Anyway, I was asleep and locked up in my castle to help restrain my bloodlust when I find myself on the porch and Altrouge in front of me."
"Really? Just like that?"
"Yeah, Zelretch dumped me there with no warning or explanation. So the last time I saw Alt, I fought her back in the 1300s to stop her Black Plague."
"And how did that fight end up?"
"Stalemate. She had gained a lot of power by draining the life of so many people and was able to fight me evenly back when I had access to my full power. Alt even managed to steal most of my hair and make it so it could not grow back which sealed away a little more of my power."
"Your hair looks fine now."
"Altrouge gave it back shortly after I moved in here. So there I am, facing off against my worst enemy, about to fight, and Zelretch tells me that he brought me over for lunch."
"Really? All of that just for lunch? He had to know it was not going to end well."
"It didn't, for him. Somehow the two of us were able to bond over our mutual annoyance at Zel, and then he found some way to block me from my home using his power which forced me to live here."
"Wow, that must have been hard."
"It really wasn't. Altrouge is quite nice most of the time and Harry keeps the two of us entertained. Besides, I've always wanted a real family, and now I have one."
After lunch was finished the group retreated to the basement which had been upgraded over the years from simple storeroom and water/electricity source into Altrouge's workshop complete with a large ritual room. The ritual room was located deep underground because of its size. It had been carved from the living stone of the mountain in the shape of a dodecahedron with each of its hexagonal faces having a diameter of exactly 20 meters. This room was entered part way up its sloped side and a set of stairs led down to the ritual space on the floor. Every hexagonal face, with the exception of the one at the base of the room, was completely covered in intricate runes and circles, many of which were glowing a myriad of colors.
Altrouge, being a master of rituals and formalcraft, had constructed this room in a manner that maximized the efficiency of any mystery being cast within. It also tapped into the local ley-lines to power the rituals allowing mysteries to be performed without requiring any of the caster's energy and at far greater strengths than normally possible.
When Irisviel saw the room she was stunned. While no master of formalcraft she could feel the immense power gathering within the room ready for her to use. If one were to simply direct the raw energy contained within to a city, it would be obliterated. To draw in and stabilize that much energy using formalcraft alone was a feat no human magus could possibly replicate without the use of a sorcery. 'It looks like the Dress of Heaven won't be necessary for this,' Irisviel decided upon examining the room.
"This room is the best location to perform ritual-type magic in the world!" Altrouge proudly proclaimed. "There is a small indent at the exact center of the floor tile that marks where the center of any circle is located. Feel free to use whatever is needed to set up your circle."
"Quicksilver for the circle itself and a diamond at its center to contain the soul fragment once it has been removed. The most difficult part of this ritual is the creation of the circle, not its components."
"Excellent, I will bring the materials down in a minute."
The circle, once complete, was a masterpiece. It had a diameter of 10 meters and was perfectly spherical. Along the inner edge of the circle runes had been inscribed, they were strange and almost appeared to shift from one to another. Most of the circle was filled with a complex design composed of many interlocking arcs and curves as well as several more runes at key points. Not a straight line existed within the circle. Even the runes were comprised entirely of curves, and the whole thing felt organic in some strange way. There was a clear space at the center of the circle, 1 meter in diameter, within which the diamond was placed and Harry would be sitting. Directly around the circle's center were three concentric rings shaped like gears that were somehow also overlapping. They also appeared to move or shift whenever they were not focused on. Focusing on any one part of the circle, however, was a difficult prospect with the way it appeared to contradict itself. Trying to force your eyes to focus on the circle simply led to a headache as your mind attempted to comprehend that which was beyond human understanding- a Sorcery (or a fragment of one).
Harry was carefully placed at the center of the circle with the diamond at the array's center before him.
"Well then, let us begin," Irisviel said activating the circle. It lit up a brilliant blue and its incomprehensible motion, which before could have been attributed to tricks of the light, was clearly visible. Irisviel, standing at the circle's edge, began an incantation in an ancient Germanic language. Her voice echoed off the hexagonal faces of the room, and as it did the multitude of runes that had been carved into the rock began to glow a dull red as the room thrummed with power.
As the ritual reached its climax, the intensity of the light emanating from the circle grew and its erratic motions intensified until it seemed frenzied. Finally, with a brilliant flash the ritual concluded. No trace of the circle remained in the room and a fine black mist exited Harry's now bleeding scar and was drawn into the diamond. A moment later it was done and the previously clear diamond was now a smoky black color.
"I've always wanted one of these to play around with," Altrouge commented as she pocketed the stone. "So, what next?"
"It will likely take a few days for Harry to recover, we'll stick around to make sure there are no complications. He should be just fine by next week."
Harry recovered faster than any of them had predicted. By nightfall he was practically bouncing off the walls with his new best friend Illya. After unsuccessfully trying to calm the two of them down enough to put the children to bed, Altrouge gave in and pointed the human rockets at "The Great Fuzzy". That was a mistake.
Morning found a rather distraught Primate Murder, who appeared to have had a make-over. Harry and Illya were asleep in the giant pile of fur they had sheared off of the great beast in their efforts to turn Primate Murder into the world's largest poodle. They had also somehow managed to dye Prim an eye-wateringly bright neon pink during the night. No one knew where the dye came from.
When Arcueid and Irisviel saw the Great Monstrosity, they were unable to control themselves and promptly collapsed in laughter. The greatly affronted monstrosity immediately fled for the nearest waterfall. When it returned an hour later, just as the giggling duo were finally regaining control, it was a brilliant orange with neon green polka dots, causing Arcueid and Irisviel to dissolve into laughter once more. It was only breakfast that brought the two of them back to their senses, Harry, with help from Illya, having once again created a wonderful meal.
As it was turning into a rather warm day, Arc and Iris retired to their rooms to change into something lighter. Arcueid had taken the third bedroom when she moved in and the family had since constructed a small guest house that connected to the living room for any visitors, most of whom went by the name of Zelretch. A shriek emanating from the guest house soon shattered the peaceful morning and an irate Irisviel stormed out. Every last one of her beautiful white clothes had been tie-dyed while she had been appreciating the Great Monstrosity. Exactly how Harry and Illya had managed to do so while also making breakfast she would never know, but she suspected Zelretch had a hand in it.
After chasing the giggling monsters around the house several times, Irisviel was forced to admit defeat. As she sat down next to an amused Altrouge on the porch a portal opened- Zelretch was coming for a visit. The second he appeared a whistling sound was heard, but a quick step backwards and the cream pie sailed past.
"Nice try Harry, but you must remember that I am the true Prank Master!"
And then the ground beneath him vanished and he fell into a tub of honey that sat atop a giant ant nest. As his high-pitched screams filled the air Arcueid came outside wearing what can only be described as goth punk clothes. They were all black, had numerous holes or tears and a number of metal studs. There were spikes, black eye-liner, and even a studded collar.
"What happened to you?" Irisveil asked.
"Harry replaced all of my clothes with these… things. I'll find some suitable revenge for this later." She then turned to the aforementioned child and asked: "How did you manage to get that many bullet ants here?"
"A true master never reveals their secrets."
Friday morning, September 12, 1986
Harry was in his new workshop attempting to digest a book on basic magecraft theory when the unexpected occurred. He had visitors.
Lorelei was busy with paperwork that morning and had left him to study on his own so when he was interrupted by a white and purple blur smashing into him and knocking him onto the floor it left him dazed and confused. After finally reorienting himself he found a giggling Illya sitting on his chest with her mother, Irisviel, looming over them smiling gently.
"Illya? What bring you hear this morning? Actually, how did you even get here?"
"Well," Irisviel replied, "After seeing the two of you become such fast friends we decided that we would be spending weekends at your place. Altrouge can look after the two of you while Arc and I go exploring!"
"Again, how did you get here… wait don't tell me, Zelretch?"
"Zelretch," Illya confirmed.
"Now, would you get off of me so I can get up?"
"Don't wanna. This is more fun."
"Very well then. I suppose I have no choice but use your greatest weakness against you," Harry informed her mournfully.
"And that is?"
"The fact that… you are very ticklish!"
"Ack! No… mom help!" Illya called as she futilely struggled against the might of the tickles.
"I'm afraid that you have brought this upon yourself dear. It's also rather amusing to watch."
"Traitor! Ack… fine no more, stop, I give up!" She yelled collapsing to the floor next to Harry.
"And thus, the great Harry emerged victorious from his battle against his mighty foe," he narrated while standing up and turning to Irisviel. "So why exactly are the two of you here so early? I'm not heading home until this afternoon."
"A little bird told me that you were given your own workshop this week. Quite impressive for your age."
"It's not much at the moment, just some books, tables, and a few odd items here and there. I think Lorelei only gave it to me in order to preserve the order in her immaculate lab-workshop thing. Also to keep me from blowing anything important up, much less to destroy in here."
Irisviel giggled and ruffled Harry's hair before asking: "Doesn't it make lessons somewhat inconvenient?"
"Lorelei is next door to me and her office is really easy to reach from here too. It's really not a problem."
"Hmmm… that's nice. Now there was one other reason that I decided to visit so early. I heard a rumor that soup is being served for lunch today. I also happen to have several ghost peppers on me. What do you say I teach you how to extract essence of ghost pepper using alchemy?"
The matching grins of pure evil that Harry and Illya wore sent shivers down the spines of all the poor unsuspecting fools in the Clock Tower.
The next Friday Illya and Irisviel made another appearance in Harry's lab which, once again, resulted in pain (both physical and psychological) for all the magi working in the Clock Tower. Things quickly settled into a routine. Monday to Thursday Harry would learn magecraft under the strict tutelage of Lorelei. Most Fridays Illya and Irisviel would arrive with some new interesting project that would, completely by coincidence of course, cause great distress to the magi within the warren of tunnels and rooms known as the Clock Tower. On Friday evenings Irisviel would run off with Arcueid to see some new exotic location and not return till Sunday night leaving Altrouge to deal with the Terrible Duo. The magi of the London Clock Tower quickly came to dread Fridays.
The most infamous of the duo's "Friday Funtimes" was remembered for decades and only spoken about in hushed tones for fear of a repeat performance. Harry and Illya had somehow gotten ahold of a few of Arcueid's lunch creations and unleashed them upon the poor unsuspecting dining hall. Exactly how the Flying Spaghetti Monster managed to animate every meal in the hall and have them turn upon the hapless magi no one will ever know. By the time the battle was over the Enforcers had to be called in to deal with the problem as the zombie cuisine simply absorbed any spells directed at them and became stronger. The total cost of the damages done in that 3-hour period was estimated at near 10 million pounds. Unfortunately for all, the Flying Spaghetti Monster managed to evade capture. According to the latest rumors, it located and allied with the elusive Apple Butlers and the invisible Crumple Horned Snorkacks where they plot the demise of humanity.
Their reign of terror continued unabated for nearly three months before coming to a rather abrupt halt.
-End Chapter 7-
Author's Note:
This chapter was originally followed by what is now chapter 9, but a reader thought it would be a good idea to have some more Harry/Illya interactions before the 4th Holy Grail War occurred. I agreed and, in a single day, managed to write and edit the next chapter- all 6.8k words of it. If only my writing was always that fast. Hopefully it'll pick up once I'm done with most of the world building and exposition and can focus on events and character interactions.
For those of you wondering what the heck an apple butler is: a British friend of mine back in 4th or 5th grade was over at my house for dinner and we were having apple butter. He mispronounced it as apple butler and then just ran with it claiming that the Apple Butlers are an extremely dangerous sentient fungus that live deep in the Amazon Rainforest and catch their prey (humans) by rolling at extreme speeds down hills. The next morning, he claimed that he had never heard of them before, and, as far as I know, continues to plead ignorance to this day. Obviously, the Apple Butlers are a serious threat and the Wizards got to him and obviated his knowledge on the subject overnight.