Reflections and Scattered Pieces

This was fun, she'd missed fun. They were vegged on the couch, but it felt like a haven amongst the onslaught of the rest. Willow on one side, Xander on the other, watching some foreign movie which was mostly incomprehensible. But still, fun, it was moments like this that reminded her just what she was fighting for.

A shame it could never be this simple all the time. Here and now, there was great friends, fun times, no worries.

Well, no worries that couldn't be left at the front door. Buffy was more than happy to leave them out there thank you, often wishing she could leave them there for good.

But hey, that wasn't in the fine print was it? The slayer gig, hers by right and no getting out of it bar actual death that didn't involve friends going above and beyond. The bitterness rose, Buffy quashed it down again. One day she would need to tell them everything, when the time came maybe knowing would give them the courage to relinquish their twisted superhero complex and let her go.

But she was going to work damn hard to ensure that it wasn't necessary.

She was focused on living. And this slayer wouldn't go anywhere without a fight.

Afterall she was one girl in all the world.

Chosen.

Always fighting.

Always alone.

And there it was; alone.

The almost miracle of six years of memories didn't mean very much, because, she still felt like this.

Why was it, no matter how much fun she was having, or how many friends or guides along the way, she continued to walk alone?

No one knows the trouble she's seen. And that's that.

How fucking depressing.

Seems she couldn't even manage a couple of hours without wallowing.

Strange, sometimes she was ok, even good with who she was. She was Buffy, this was destiny or whatever. She had a real purpose, she could make a difference.

But then, despite the wealth of knowledge she'd acquired, knowing what was out there, or perhaps largely because of that, there were times she'd genuinely and legitimately sprint in the other direction.

Times when Buffy wanted to fight against the surging tide that swept against her, threatening to pull her under at any moment.

It was funny, the part that wanted to fight that, the fire in her, the one that was constantly fighting; that was the slayer. Bit of a paradox.

The three friends said goodnight at some silly hour after the usual camp out giddiness. There was no school in the morning, so her mom hadn't objected to the sleepover in the living room.

It was hard to believe that barely two months had gone by since they'd arrived on the bright and sinister shores of Sunnydale, CA. It felt like she'd be here forever. And she felt strangely older than a meagre sixteen. This reality constantly reminded her of that harsh ridiculous truth.

She was also struggling with her newfound knowledge and couldn't share what she knew with her friends. Friends she felt deeply connected to, likely more than they did. Giles felt it was 'not advantageous' right now, as usual too British for words but maybe he was right, she'd grudgingly relented. It could be too much information, they'd just been clued in to the whole demon angle, the rest of it, the whole lot, might be a step too far.

But still, Buffy wasn't sure, maybe she was underestimating them. She'd done that in the past or would do in the future. Damn, these days her life was just one headache inducing complication.

Yeah, fun times.

Add to that, things were brewing, she could feel it; and it sure as hell didn't feel right. Her Spidey sense was all over the place and all she wanted was space to enjoy a fun time with friends. She was so over wallowing, but would it ever really be done with her? It was another constant in a way, that all encompassing tide of self-doubt, self-pity, and then the knowledge that she had, 'acquired'.

Was that selfish? She didn't care. This was her, she could hardly change now, and Buffy knew who she was when it was important to know. When the going got gruesome.

She was the slayer. She would fight, probably die, likely return from the dead at least once, but she was fucked if she knew exactly how it was going to happen, or what she could do with everything she did know.

Maybe nothing, not a thing. Only time held the answer to that.

Slayer insomnia sucked.

"Hey Giles,"

He glanced up in her direction from where he was seated at the desk, but it seemed as though her presence had barely registered. And, definitely not the tea he looked certain to spill on his lap at any second. Distraction thy name is Giles.

This looked to be more than the usual Monday morning blues that gripped her most mornings of the week.

"Hey, wakey wakey Giles," She joked, she leapt forward, her slayer reflexes in swift reaction; saving him from broken china and a very sore leg.

"Oh, oh yes thankyou Buffy, I really should be more careful," He tusked to himself as he got up, but it was clear he was only mildly aware and obvious that he couldn't tear himself away from the book lying open, centre stage among several volumes piled high around it.

"Something I should know about?"

He turned at her question, attempting a reassuring smile.

"No, no, nothing to worry about. Not yet anyway," Not quite able to look at her or contain that small acknowledgment.

"Spill it Giles, you can't not tell me, I'm sure it's in the rules somewhere; where's that handbook? There's obviously something going on, you must be the world's worst bluffer." She quipped to lighten the room, but it did nothing to ease his tense shoulders or the growing pressure surrounding them.

His stance indicated his reluctance. But then a minor movement of his upper body, a small slump, a yardstick of defeat.

Or victory.

She wouldn't let him escape without discussion and he knew it.

"There are signs Buffy, things are happening, possibly even sooner than we originally thought."

Buffy sighed,

"There are always signs Giles, what do these say?"

He hesitated only a second.

"That a great evil is coming, soon."

Buffy rolled her eyes this time.

"When is there not great evil coming?" She cracked, only half joking, trying to lighten things a little.

He wasn't having it.

"Buffy, this is serious…"

"Hey, you don't need to remind me Giles, I know how serious thanks, too well. Been there, got the…or it feels the hell like I have anyway." She added, defiant but a vague misery tugging at the edge of her words.

She was going to have to deal sooner rather than later apparently.

"Do you think it's the master?" She followed up with this question, pressing as it was on the edge of her nerves, on the edge of everything, The beginning, and the end, in a way.

"Very possibly," Was all the reply he allowed, all the while looking at her in that odd penetrating way he had sometimes.

"Then we'll deal, same as ever," She breezily brushed aside and over the feelings it stirred up. Most definitely, too much for a Monday. "I got to go Giles, got class, see you later,"

His gaze followed her as she left through the swing doors and out into the busy corridor beyond. He wasn't daft, there was something she hadn't told him, and it was bothering her. He considered with a wry smile that while her skills in the bluffing department were undoubtedly better than his, they were not as good as she thought.

That girl, was she even to be considered simply a girl at this point?

Well, at the very least, he was thankful that they had developed an understanding of each other so quickly. Sometimes Watchers and Slayers were not brilliantly compatible, clashing personalities and agendas often made a tough situation so much worse. But his relationship with Buffy, it felt remarkably solid after a relatively short time. It made it far easier to read between the lines when she wasn't telling him everything.

Buffy arrived in Biology a little late, but apparently Mr Gregory was letting it go. Now he was a cool teacher, for one he didn't consider her a foregone conclusion as some of the others pegged her. And there was the gratitude he'd expressed ever since she'd saved him from giant preying Mantis woman a few weeks previously. Augh, yuck, thinking on it for too long just made her skin crawl, the resulting compulsion to scratch her skin red raw had flickered across her senses once or twice. Disgusting, but that had been an easy job, relatively, bit of bat sonar and a big ol' sword, swipe, slash, and she was done. Though not before Xander had made a fool of himself or before Mr Gregory had discovered what was happening and thus, his grateful attitude. Not that it meant any kind of allowance or give in the homework department, he'd made that clear too.

Willow was whispering what Buffy had missed in the first few minutes of class, something about the valves of the heart?

Buffy wasn't really listening, old habits die hard, but she remembered this heart stuff, complete with surround sound memory of the dissection, another notch on the disgust-ometa. Though that was minus Mr Gregory; more weirdness that was her life. She remembered things she'd never actually learnt at school, another tip to headache-ville coming soon to a Buffy near you.

A wandering mind is just too easily done, and looking around, at least half of the class had glazed over expressions. She may as well join them.

Yes, because she didn't think too much already! Over-analyse thy name is Buffy. She'd ace that college psyche class these days. And there it was again, she'd never set foot on a college campus.

Some good had come from what she knew. She felt the pull of sinking thoughts again as her mind grappled with Jesse. She refused to be led down that hole. She knew she could do good and make a difference. She already had, but Buffy was at the bottom of a mountain with an epic hike ahead of her and that was just another tough truth to swallow.

Firstly, the cheerleader witch thing had been funny, except when it hadn't. Buffy and Giles had put a stop to the castings before serious damage was done. She wasn't sure what happened to Amy's scary mom in the end, but it was all good now; until Amy started taking after mommy dearest. Buffy would have to keep an eye on that one; she didn't want to see that side of Amy, or anyone else to see it either, namely Willow. Not that surveillance meant things would stay, safe, but staying watchful wouldn't hurt. It was difficult to look at Willow sometimes, sweet clever Willow who had some terrible potential inside her. But then, wasn't that true of most people? Buffy's own power wasn't exactly that of innocents and rainbows.

No need to dwell on that either.

Next.

Then there was Marcie to deal with, the invisible girl who disappeared because no one saw her. Buffy knew she'd been 'gone' for a while and it could so easily have ended badly. Thankfully all it took was someone wanting to help her, people knowing she was there; she came out of it herself. She hadn't got to the point of no return, and so, psycho Marcie avoided. She might be headed for some major therapy but then who wasn't? Buffy saw her around at school and she seemed ok, and Buffy had a promise from her not to share the slayer stuff with the entire student body; she might even mean it.

The hyena possession thing had been funny too, funny and annoying. She had steered everyone away from that enclosure, (after having tried and failed to cancel the school trip), only for that group of miscreants to sneak away and get possessed. It almost served them right. Buffy was ridiculously grateful that Xander had not been among them 'this time', that the gang had been caught quickly after confronting the keeper, and hadn't eaten anyone, not the pig or Principal Flutie or teenagers watching cartoons.

Then there was Owen. Sweet, cute, intellectual but foolish Owen. Dating him was a non-starter, Buffy always knew that, knew that dating anyone who wasn't aware of her alter ego was a bad idea. But it was monumentally unfair to have it shoved in her face again just to prove the point.

But life wasn't fair, dealing with that daily.

And Giles was more important, would always be more important than some fleeting crush. Buffy couldn't let him go it alone at the mortuary, no matter what stupid notion he was running with. But still, it was very brave and heroic. And stupid, not forgetting stupid.

Buffy had realised rather belatedly just how Colin had become the anointed and she'd gotten there in time to save him, and his mother. They'd been sufficiently freaked out that they'd headed out of town and Buffy had breathed a little easier. Except she hadn't, just because she'd thwarted that one minor prophesy didn't mean it wouldn't find a different way of coming true. Worrying over whether she could save another, similar child weighed her down and the tendency towards morose thought only increased, especially when sat in math class.

And then there was Angel.

Angel.

That tall dark gorgeous bastard.

Buffy's wandering thoughts were rudely interrupted by the bell which was probably a good thing.

"Homework is to read chapters 10 and 11 and answer the questions at the end, you too Miss Summers,"

Buffy glanced at Mr Gregory, hoping the burning guilt wasn't too plain on her face. He believed in her, and she couldn't even muster the will to banish her issues and listen in his class. But at least she managed to do her homework these days.

"What were you thinking about?" Willow asked on the way to English. "Or was it someone?" A sly smile appearing on her delicate features.

"What did I miss? Someone? Who someone?" Xander queried, looking around, as if he might spot the answer in the hallway, looking a bit peeved when he didn't find it.

"Angel." The name hovered on the edge of everything as usual, Buffy wasn't even sure who had spoken.

"Some of it anyway." She admitted.

"Star-crossed, it's so romantic really, in a twisted dark kind of way," Willow added, looking to Buffy for more details.

"Yeah it is, but that's all it is, all it can ever be. It's silly," Buffy told them, though it sounded like she was convincing herself.

"You know it's not." Willow didn't miss anything. Buffy wished she could tell her the whole story. But she was being a good girl, so only the essentials. Vampire, tortured soul, there wasn't much else to tell because she'd barely seen Angel, bar a run in with that nasty trio, The Three. Buffy wondered if he was keeping his distance, unsure of what Buffy knew and his role now.

But there were still feelings, ridiculous complicated feelings from before, from the recollections that filled her mind; they weren't even real and yet.

Love had limits, that she knew. But seeing him those few times had stirred up more than she'd wanted to admit. She was drawn to him, it was the reason she was trying to stay clear. It exhausted and depressed her.

It was hard, and yet, knowing why it could never be, took the edge off. No one else would ever understand why, or she hoped to God they never did. Buffy simply knew too much to be head over heels for him. And thank goodness for that.

Telling Giles had been awful. She'd initially skimmed over the details, but he'd known she was withholding and coaxed it out of her. He had a way of doing that, somehow, he saw through her bravado and prevarication; which was comforting and disturbing all at once. Had he always been able to do that? Buffy wondered if she was imagining a new connection and deeper understanding with her watcher and then remembered. All of this was new, her freak-some knowledge wasn't exactly normal, and that only made her feel another step out of line with the rest of the world.

More musings were put on hold in lieu of going to and listening in class for once, a welcome distraction.

Doing schoolwork wasn't going to kill her, and it certainly wouldn't help anyone if her mom was getting calls from the principal.

She was home when Buffy got in after school. Giles had agreed to postpone training until the weekend thus freeing up her week for 'normal' family/kid time. He had been surprisingly easy to convince but was more than keen to keep her secret a secret; no matter the damage that Buffy had warned him it could do to relationships with her mom in the future.

"Hi honey, did you have a good day?" She greeted Buffy as she joined her mom in the kitchen.

"Yeah not bad, I'll do my homework now, and go out later, is that ok?"

Her mom seemed to take a few moments to consider this request, but Buffy was optimistic. A reward for asking and 'behaving', huh, if only she knew. But Buffy wasn't sure her mother would be able to deal with it yet, but would she ever?

"With Willow and Xander again?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yeah that's ok Buffy, be home for 12 though."

"Done," Buffy replied sweetly and headed up to her room to study and then dissect her wardrobe.

Buffy had missed her mother so much. Having her around was amazing, even when she was nagging over schoolwork. The sinister thoughts that plagued the back of Buffy's mind stayed there for now, she was trying so hard not to freak. And that in turn had made being near her mom and behaving normally, well, way not normal.

The truth was too horrible to think about. And a part of her wished she had never looked for info about aneurysms. Buffy had searched for a way to stop it, but that didn't exist. Aneurysms are like mines in the brain, virtually undetectable and often fatal. They could strike at any time of life, some didn't even have symptoms and even the test for them was so difficult that it wasn't done very often as that could trigger one. Buffy theorised that it was connected to the earlier tumour but there was nothing she could hope to do about that either. She'd even wondered if the monk's introduction of her mystical energy key of a sister, likely still a few years away, had any impact on her mother's declining health. The timing would support that.

But hell, there was nothing to be done about that either, short of telling her mother straight off that Dawn was not what she appeared; and keeping them apart. Not likely to happen, but she was open to anything if it meant keeping her mother alive.

It was despairing, heart-breaking; and Buffy didn't know what to do. She considered telling Giles and sharing the burden but wasn't sure it would make much difference. He would look at her in that inscrutable way, but it would also be a look of pity and she had enough of that for herself.

Was she underestimating someone again? Giles would do his best to help if he could and having omitted it from her tales-from-the-sunny-crypt-future, she'd protected herself but not given him a chance to prove he could support her in other ways.

Truthfully, the one person that Buffy wanted to run to, was Angel. Ever since he'd been in her house and she'd bandaged his wound following their run in with 'The Three'. They hadn't seen any point in preventing that, nothing major had happened and trying to prevent every little thing would be unrealistic and exhausting. It was indicative of the trio's strength that they'd been able to hurt Angel even when Buffy had known and attempted to protect him. Thankfully she had gained the upper hand, just.

Buffy had sensed that connection between her and Angel. It had been almost painful, she'd looked into his eyes and seen him, known him. Their lips had gravitated towards the other, almost hypnotically, Buffy had tried to fight against it but to no avail. Their lips had barely touched when they'd heard her mom moving around upstairs and Angel had made and swift and let's face it, precipitous exit. Though not before shooting a glance at her with those tortured brown eyes. Buffy couldn't help but shiver when she recalled the moment.

It was never going to be more than stolen moments. It shouldn't be any moments.

How the hell was she going to stay away from him?

Simple Buffy, just use some logic and remember what Angelus was like and I'm sure you'll manage to keep your knickers on.

Yeah but on the other hand it was almost like they were opposite magnetic forces with no recourse but to be pulled together again and again no matter how awful the consequences.

Did she love him?

Not in that all-consuming, body, mind and soul stealing way that she remembered. It was a many layered complicated emotion, but she'd seen too much to love him blindly, naively like she might have otherwise done. Like the way those memories portrayed; a silly teenage girl, a powerful slayer who should have known better and a souled vampire who was supposed to be atoning for his wrongs not using his extensive excavating skills to investigate her mouth, against the scenic backdrop of Sunnydale's many graveyards.

Buffy's walk to the Bronze was quiet, no stalkers tonight; he was already there. She resisted rolling her eyes. His presence so distracting that she had to ask Willow and Xander to repeat themselves, more than once. Embarrassing.

"Just go over there already." Xander told her out of the blue, she gave him a fully questioning glare and he continued, "Well until you talk to him, he's not gonna leave, is he?"

Okay.

Easy.

He looked far too good.

She wouldn't linger.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Two great conversationalists tonight.

"Your side feel ok now?" A nice safe subject to open with. It was probably better than 'I have feelings for you, but we can't be together cos you'll turn evil.'

"It's fine, vampire healing," He reassured,

"Right,"

"Buffy," He started, looking at her so intently it was like this invisible force had a hold of her. Where was the free will people?

Leaning close, his lips brushed hers with a soft and uncertain pressure. Even that was hot as hell, it deepened quickly, and Buffy realised it would have to be her, she would have to be the strong one here.

She broke away, the loss a physical and emotional blow. She wanted to scream at the sick twist of fate that had her living in this moment.

"This can never be anything," She told him, trying to concentrate on his eyes and not his miraculous mouth, wanting to communicate the seriousness of her statement.

"I know," He agreed.

She shook her head, backing away a little more with each passing second, the pressure was less, it eased off the further away he was.

"No, you don't, you really don't," Turning she walked back to her friends, resisting the urge to flee the short distance home and cry herself to sleep.

She spent a few depressing minutes thinking, until she decided to snap out of it. Yeah so Angel and she could never be together, not without major issues but that didn't mean she was dead. Honestly sometimes she surprised herself with how powerful her self-pity in a Buffy slump could be.

"Come on guys," Buffy announced, practically jumping off the seat while Xander and Will looked taken aback at the abrupt change in mood.

"You ok Buffy?" Willow asked uncertainly,

"Totally fine Will, can't sit around all night moping, let's dance," She replied, grabbing her hand and leading her across to the dance floor. "You too Xander,"

He didn't need asking twice, bounding up to them both and starting to 'boogie' to what was probably the rhythm in his head as it sure wasn't the one the band were kicking out. He was just too keen for his own good. Oh Xander. She had better not get his hopes up. As cute as Xander was, even if the feelings she had for him became stronger, Buffy could never do that to Willow. At least not while she was still in love with him, and probably not while she was still in the proverbial wicca closet.

They proceeded to dance away the crappiness that was lingering and had a great time, though Buffy couldn't quite brush off Angels continued presence in the shadows; ever watchful. And yes, slightly creepy.

Damn, time to go.

Buffy made sure to walk Willow and Xander home, she did a quick sweep through the nearest graveyard after that. Not much action but enough to scratch the slayer itch and enough to keep him from her mind. Fairly wiped out, once she fell into bed she was quickly in a restless sleep.

The moonlight shone through her bedroom window, casting an uneasy uneven light on the soft carpeted floor.

Someone was there.

Going from half asleep to wide awake in a second was something she was used to, especially when woken by some creature of the night. Though they weren't usually sat on her window, or this good-looking either.

"Angel," She was only mildly surprised to see him. They had not yet had one of their twilight bedroom meetings, and there were so many things left unsaid. They were probably best left that way, but Buffy wasn't that lucky.

"Buffy, I…" He stopped almost as soon as he had started, he looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry to disturb you like this, but I get the sense that we need to have a talk."

She nodded.

"It couldn't have waited until I wasn't trying to claw a few hours' sleep from the joke that is a slayer's sleep schedule?" Somehow this cutting barb slipped past her lips before she could think to stop it.

Way to go Buffy.

"Sorry," Now he looked even more unsure of himself and some guilt set in on her side.

Ease up Buffy, he has no idea what the hell is going on.

True but he's hardly an innocent by stander here either.

"Well you're not wrong, we should probably talk, I'm just not sure talking with you is a good idea."

He stared at her for another few moments, nodding though the brooding expression remained.

"How about we begin with something simple then? Like how you knew I was a vampire who 'wouldn't be better off as a pile of dust'?" He quoted back at her, sharing a small smile.

Ah.

The small smile that that wrought from her features didn't reach her eyes.

"The problem is, that is the problem Angel. How I know what I know, everything I know, it's about as far from simple as Sunnydale is from winning a safe place to call home award."

Her thin-lipped smile did nothing to relax either one of them. If anything, the tension in her room was growing, palpable.

There was nothing else for it.

"I knew because…" She stopped again, the right words just wouldn't come. Ugh this was horrible, telling Giles had been far easier, and it had generally felt like a relief to share it,

"I know because I've seen things, things I shouldn't know will happen, before they happen."

She went with this garbled explanation in the end as it was better to ease him into this rather than slam him with the unlikely truth straightaway.

It was only a beat before he was replying.

"Like a prophesy?"

"Similar," She allowed, "Slayer's are known for having prophetic dreams,"

He nodded,

"I have those too, but this was something else, something bigger."

He seemed to be absorbing this as he didn't say anything for a whole minute. During which time Buffy became increasingly hot under his intense scrutiny.

Not helpful body, did you not get the memo, she was not in love with him.

"I'm guessing this is neither here nor there in the bigger picture but, how did it happen? You say it wasn't a normal prophetic dream?"

An easier question, a respite, the calm before the storm.

"It was a demon. Back in L.A. I was stabbed by it and the poison, it gave me what I initially thought were hallucinations…"

"But turned out to be closer to the truth than you thought?"

She nodded

"I don't suppose you witnessed any of that fight? Me on patrol?"

His quizzical expression was almost funny.

"Come on Angel, I thought we were here to bring a little honesty to this whole thing. I know you watched me in L.A."

His eyes widening perceptibly, perhaps he was getting it now.

"You know that I…was in L.A."

"Watching me, yes."

"How?"

"You told me."

This time his face was comical.

"I think I'd remember that."

"It wasn't you, you, it was Angel of my vision."

"Ok, what else did I tell you?"

At this Buffy got out of bed and rounded the corner to face him.

"I think the more relevant question would be what didn't you tell me? You didn't tell me a lot of stuff Angel, for which I'm going to forgive because it wasn't you but so many of those things are happening that I'm going with my wild hunch here that you're not overly keen to be Mr share guy either. Were you going to tell me you were a vampire?"

He swallowed,

"Eventually. It's not exactly something I'm proud of. I've done things Buffy, terrible things…"

"I know," She added quietly.

He regarded her for a second or so.

"You know, how much do you know? I don't think you're telling me everything here."

"Bingo, honestly, I'm not even sure I should have told you that. Things are just so complicated." Her hands covered her face, an automatic anxiety induced response. Her expression was pained but the resolve in her voice was far more unyielding.

He narrowed his eyes.

"What happened to bringing some honesty? From what I hear you're creating waves without anyone else's input, but I want to help you Buffy, I can't do that if…"

"If what? If I don't tell you everything I know? That's a laugh, because you've been so keen to tell me everything?"

"You blind sided me Buffy, I never expected any of this,"

"Of course not, you just expected to play the mysterious handsome stranger, be this enigmatic benefactor all the while keeping this secret from me which is kind of important?"

He blinked, and a small smile appeared.

"You think I'm handsome?"

Buffy rolled her eyes,

"So not the point right now." But for some stupid reason she couldn't restrain the coy smile that graced her features.

Buffy you are far too easy.

"What is the point exactly? You know things about me, I'd like to know how much."

She advanced on him, resisting the strong urge to poke him in the chest, hard.

"Don't turn this around and act all woe is me, there are plenty of perfectly reasonable reasons I shouldn't tell you everything. You're supposed to be helping right? Atoning for your sins? Brooding over your past life not brooding over whether or not I tell you a story."

A steely glint appeared in those dark eyes of his, like pools of liquid chocolate.

Good grief just. Stop. looking.

"Must be one hell of a story,"

The defiant edge of Buffy's personality caused her to jut her chin out, she wasn't sure if she was baiting him or wanting to prove herself.

"It is,"

They stood in silence for a couple of minutes, contemplating the next move to the sound of rustling leaves that drifted through the window behind him.

She sighed,

"Look, I didn't want an argument, I'm going to have to share some of it with you because you have to understand something I know already."

"And what is that?" He seemed quietly amused again.

"That this thing between us, can never be anything," She told him quietly.

"I know that,"

"No Angel, you really don't,"

"You think I don't know that a 240-year-old vampire can't be with a 16-year-old slayer?" His words spoke disbelief but there was something that wavered behind them.

And there it was.

"No, I know you think you know, but…oh hell," She muttered before doing something she 'd likely regret in the more reasonable light of the following day.

Nothing like show and tell.

She placed her hands lightening quick behind his neck and back and pulled him down towards her. She met only a little resistance.

Lesson one proven. His will power sucked worse than a vampire on St Vigeous; no matter what he said he knew.

When her lips touched his it was both familiar and completely new. Like coming home, to a home she had no idea existed. And oh God it was melting her from the inside, like fire and ice they pulled and pushed each other, an erotic ebb and flow that became increasingly out of control.

It was just how she remembered.

And then she remembered what she was doing.

Proving her point.

Oh, Buffy what did you do.

And then it happened, another lightening quick transformation. From all consuming to something that was all at once another league of terror and exhilaration.

He pulled, turning away from her, hiding himself and she knew she'd succeeded.

He turned back, growling at her, his vampiric visage not quite so much of a shock 'this time'.

She folded her arms and gave him a slightly too smug smile.

Mistake.

He grabbed her arms and drew her roughly towards him.

She pushed him away and made another split-second decision.

She punched him, hard on the jaw, as hard as she dared without knocking him out cold. He fell and stayed down, sitting there as his breathing and features returned to normal. He glanced back up at her after a minute or so, when he had some control again.

"Do you see?" She whispered harshly,

His baleful look wasn't quite the reaction she'd expected.

"I'm beginning to," He rubbed his jaw, "Was that necessary?"

She shrugged.

"Looks like. You needed something tangible to understand. And at least it wasn't followed by my screaming for the whole street to hear and mom to come running, or something worse," She added ominously.

He turned his puzzled eyes on her face again,

"Screaming? You mean like you didn't know…?"

She nodded.

"Did you see that happening? That's how you knew what I am?"

She nodded again

"That and so much more."

"How much more?"

She sighed, time to come clean, at least partially. Where to draw the line though?

Sitting at the end of the bed, she indicated that Angel sit down, making sure that there was a decent space between them.

She took a deep breath.

"When I was poisoned, I didn't just see hallucinations. It turns out I saw six years of my life," She paused and made another decision, just get it done.

"I didn't just see them, I lived them. I experienced six years of my life from age 16 onwards. Moving to Sunnydale, Giles, my friends, you. All of it."

His eyes were as much like saucers as eyes could be now.

"You lived six years of your life?"

"As close as, yes, as crazy as it sounds. Not everything is exactly how I saw it but it's close enough. Including you."

"And of me, you saw things, bad things?" He finally managed to say, looking worried.

Slowly she nodded, managing to look him in the eye then look away again, thus avoiding getting lost in the damn things.

"Of what I saw of us, yes it was bad, could be bad," She corrected, paused then ploughed ahead, she needed to get it out. "You have to understand Angel, us being together, you could lose your soul."

She looked at him again and this time didn't waver.

He shook his head. Getting up and backing away from her.

"No," Was all he said, understandably not wanting to believe that it could happen.

Believe it buddy.

He paced for a few seconds before looking back at her.

"No, it's just not, how the hell is that possible? No don't answer that,"

Buffy was momentarily amused or would have been had it not been so fraught.

"Actually, do answer that," He stopped pacing,

"No, I don't think the details would be of the good right now, just to say that you're meant to be suffering for everything you've done right? And experiencing happiness causes it to become… unstable."

She did not want to go into specifics, heaven knows it had been excruciating to live through/witness and that hadn't been real.

He was looking at her now with a very strange expression, almost like he was working it out. She tried not to shiver under the intensity of it.

"That makes sense," He admitted eventually after several long minutes of consideration.

"We have to protect your soul at all costs," Buffy whispered, a couple of errant tears finding their way down her face.

Angel moved forward, opening his arms as if to comfort her but stopped even as she moved away from him. Thinking better of it just as she did, her knowing it was a singularly bad idea, him beginning to realise the same.

"I'm sorry Buffy,"

It was her turn to be surprised.

"For what?"

"For the things you've seen, you've been through, because of me. I had hoped I could help you here, if I thought for even a moment that it would be misery I'd bring instead…"

"You're sorry for something that hasn't happened?" She asked, almost amused.

"Yes, I know what I've done in the past, what the monster in me is capable of. I can imagine though I don't want to. Tell me, did people die?"

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded,

"Yes."

"Did you have to stake me?"

Buffy looked at him, surprised again, then away not quite able to hold his gaze.

"No details Angel, sorry. Not a good idea, not for me to dwell on or for you either. And then there's Angelus and there'll always be a part of my mind having to plan for worst case scenario. He's listening too."

He nodded, eyes downcast again.

"I understand. Maybe it would be best if I left town?"

At this Buffy looked back at him.

"I think we're safe for now? This way I can keep an eye on you, strictly professionally speaking, and any help you can give me, and Giles would be really good?"

Somehow the idea of him leaving didn't fill her with joy either. It was a lose-lose situation. But then again, if he could help them…?

He nodded,

"I managed to find Giles a book he was interested in seeing…" He told her, producing a small leather-bound article from nowhere.

"The Codex, thank you. He'll be thrilled."

There was that expression again.

"What? Yes, I knew you might do this for him, us. Yes, it's crazy weird. No, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it."

He nodded again.

"I would say I'd like to be friends, if we can, but maybe that's expecting too much?"

"No that would be…good. It's a long time since I had a friend." He told her, smiling weakly.

She smiled too, slightly more at ease now but there was still more to say.

"Before you go, we should probably talk about Darla." She said, suddenly overcome with the need to confess.

Now he did look at her, the intense look going right through her.

"I'd ask how again but I guess we already covered that?"

She nodded,

"Yes, you should probably know that she was here, in town, and working with the master."

"I thought as much, I had heard talk she was around but hadn't seen her,"

"I staked her my first night here in Sunnydale," Buffy explained, the words coming out in a rush, not quite sure how he would react. Not that she cared.

"Wow, that's, good Buffy." He smiled but it did little to reassure her.

"I'm sorry, I know you were together a long time,"

"That wasn't me, that was Angelus, and a long time ago."

"I know it wasn't you, but it's hard to know what things might still mean something to you. Not my business though," She added needlessly, she may as well be wearing some neon sign, 'Complex feelings ahoy', or some other such rubbish. How could she still be thinking this way?

"No, it's not like you care right?" The accusation was harsh and unnecessary. What did he think this was some teen drama series? It would accomplish nothing but trouble.

"Don't, we can't do this," She replied, attempting to sound as hard as he had and failing as it came out sounding broken.

"You're right, I'm sorry, I better go."

She was quiet for another moment after, trying to rearrange her thoughts into a cohesive something that might be useful. A way to move the discussion forward. But after everything, they just felt like scatter broken pieces of a fractured whole. Despite her intentions this was beginning to break her. Mentioning Darla hadn't been entirely without unexpected angst but not in the way she had imagined. She settled on something more neutral.

"Can you keep your ear to the ground about the master? Giles seems to think that there are evil forces at work. I told him not to worry, that there always are, and we'd deal but it may be that whatever is going on is happening sooner than the events as I saw them…" She shrugged but it didn't dispel the worry even as she attempted to create a nonchalant appearance. "We'll deal as always but going in blind, that freaks me out a bit."

"Sure, I can do that," He hesitated, looking like he intended to say something more, but settled on "Good night Buffy," And he was gone, like a darkening mist at twilight, ephemeral and impossible to capture.

It was with some difficulty that Buffy eventually went back to sleep after those intense moments with the fated vampire who must not be thought of, must not be kissed, must not be anything more to Buffy than a useful informant.

But it wasn't him.

Something was wrong.

Buffy sat upright in bed, for goodness sake she could not catch a break tonight. This time not disturbed by something nearby, but by something inside herself. The dreams again. She couldn't even luck out on some sleep when she'd been up half the night.

She needed sleep, she hated this. Giles was right, something was off, it was coming soon. Buffy tried to focus on what was left of it, attempted to snatch the wisps that lingered. Closing her eyes, she tried to recall; images flickered by, vampires, screaming, the master, water, gasping for breath. And then, she opened her eyes in quiet alarm,

"Home, sweet home," Was uttered by a bleached blonde vampire as he flicked a cigarette to the ground.

Oh shit.

And there it is! Hooray right? Apologies for the time this took, far too much rl happening, plus I admit, I am two timing with another story ha!

Comments, questions, any thoughts would be amazing!

And so many thanks for reviews so far, even those offering some kind of personal psychoanalysis cause ya know, that stuff ain't cheap!

Next chapter is halfway done so cross your fingers for a miracle!

B x