Chapter 13 - Unlucky
Hannah's hand was broken and it meant that she couldn't perform surgery. Instead she decided to take the advice of her friends and family and took some leave so she could focus on recovering. In that time, she began to see a therapist recommended by her father's counsellor and the process was slow but she began to regain her confidence inch by inch. One week after she had told the police everything and decided to take her leave, Jac's funeral was scheduled. She wasn't invited to the actual event, of course; despite the protestations she had played a part in Jac's death, but the hospital were holding a service for her and she knew that she had to go to that.
John confirmed that he would be going too and Hanssen had been asked to speak as someone who had known Jac for a very long time. Hannah was unsure about attending but she realised how bad it would look if she didn't go.
The morning of the service she did her best to hide her facial injuries but they were already healing well and had moved into the yellow spectrum of bruising as opposed to blues and purples. Her hand was still encased in a cast which had been decorated by Danny and whenever she felt low she liked to look at it and remember everything which gave her strength.
But the night before the service she was sitting with Danny in his bed before he was going to sleep and he was adding a new drawing to the limited space on her cast. She was reading him a bed time story at the same time so wasn't paying too much attention to what he was drawing but had her attention drawn to it upon its completion.
'Done!' he expostulated and Hannah smiled and looked down at the drawing which Danny had overlapped with others.
'You're an artistic genius.' she commented and he giggled. 'What is it?' she asked and he pointed out various figures.
'That's granddad and Rox.' he pointed out two figures set apart from the others and once he had pointed them out she could see the likeness so she took the pen and labelled them neatly. Danny then moved onto the remaining figures; it was a group of three, two adults and a child all holding hands like a quintessential family for a child's drawing. It wasn't the first-time Danny had enquired after his absent father and Hannah steeled herself to answer more of these questions.
'That's you.' Danny pointed at one of the figures and she labelled herself and pointed to the smaller figure.
'And that's you?' she asked and he nodded giggling. She labelled herself and poised the pen to label the final figure.
'And this is...?'
'John.' Danny answered bluntly and Hannah made to write the label without thinking before doing a double take.
'John? As in granddad's friend, John?' she asked and he nodded. She knew that they had interacted a little over the months but she hadn't expected him to make an appearance on her arm mural.
'Aren't you going to write his name?' Danny asked, the inkling of offence creeping into his eyes and Hannah had no choice but to add his name to their family.
'Why John?' she asked and Danny shrugged.
'I think he has a crush on you, so if you feel the same way maybe he could be my daddy?' he asked and Hannah blushed scarlet, making Danny shriek with laughter.
'Where on earth did you get this from?' she asked, putting down the pen and the book.
'He's sometimes there when I stay with granddad and he was there a lot when you were in the hospital. Sometimes Rox had to go and do something but he would stay with me, he always talks to me and plays with me. He talks about you a lot so I think he likes you. He says you're really smart and strong, does that mean you can lift a car or something?' he asked and Hannah smiled.
'Something like that.' she replied and Danny continued.
'I once said that you were really pretty, I mean when you didn't have the hurt on your face, and he said that you were as pretty as a princess or a mermaid so he must think you're really pretty.' he concluded and Hannah had to look away for a moment but didn't say anything so Danny felt that he had to add something more.
'You know, if you do like him, I wouldn't mind if he was my new daddy. I like him too. That's why I drew him with us as part of our family. I think he's a bit lonely, he doesn't have anyone, so we should let him be with us.' he said and Hannah took a deep breath and turned back to him.
'Time for bed.' she said and he groaned. She ignored his pleas and protestations and tucked him in, giving him a kiss on the cheek before heading towards the door to turn off the light.
'Mummy?' he called after her and she turned. 'I know you've been sad a lot of the time because someone hurt you, but would John make you happy and protect you from the bad people and the monsters?'
Hannah paused for a moment, this wasn't the kind of question she was prepared for. She stepped back into the room and sat down gently on Danny's bed, taking his hand.
'Listen, baby, sometimes even if adults feel happy together, if they like one another... it's not a good idea. Sometimes they need to make a difficult decision and not be together even if they want to be.' she explained slowly, unsure how to put it in a way that would make sense to him.
'But he's nice, do you not love him?' he asked and Hannah was taken aback. She gave him a smile and leaned down to kiss him again.
'How can I have room to love any other man when I love you so much?' she asked and he giggled. 'Now go to sleep.' she instructed and he settled down. She paused at the door again and closed it gently, whispering her goodnights.
She headed straight for the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine, it wasn't her first of the evening. The conversation with Danny had left her chest aching again and she reached over to her phone. She had texts from her father checking in with her for the evening and one from Roxanna but that was all. She opened her messages with John, the last one had been about work, nothing even that important. She typed out a message, the wine fuelling her courage.
I've changed my mind, I need you. Her finger hovered over the send button but then something like fate intervened and her phone died. She sighed and plugged it in, aiming to ignore and forget about the words left unsaid.
The next morning brought new butterflies to her stomach as she prepared for the service. When she arrived at the hospital she had to stop and watch as chairs were set up in the summer heat. They were centred around the statue which commemorated Raf and brought back horrible memories of the service which had been held there a little more than six months previously. She twisted her fingers together and forced herself to keep walking forward. She couldn't go to Darwin, the mood would be too sombre, she didn't want to go to Keller but she had nowhere else she could go, aside from the basement.
When she got to the bottom of the stairs the doors were propped open to get in air, but on the floor, was the spot where Jac had been shot. Hannah stood there and stared at the patch of floor silently, not even having the will to cry anymore. She had been stood there for a couple of minutes before she managed to avert her attention, she moved her gaze to her cast and the first drawing which caught her eye was the one of her, Danny and John.
John.
John who was in the lab not too far from her, the man she had feelings for but was too scared of the consequences to do anything at all about them. Hannah's feet moved almost without her consent and a strange impulse took a hold of her, the same kind of impulse she had only felt once before, an impulse to hurt herself. There was no fighting this kind of impulse, she just had to let it wash over her and wait for it to pass, she almost couldn't be held accountable for her actions when she was in this state.
She arrived at the lab and peered inside the doorway, part of her hoping that John just wasn't there, it might curb some of her destructive impulse. He was in the inner room, she had to step inside the actual lab to see him. He had his jacket off and his shirt sleeves rolled up, it was rare to catch him in this casual a state. He was jotting something down on a pad with his head in his other hand, he looked stressed and Hannah walked into the room, failing to announce herself. The impulse was throbbing through her and she knew that she would regret whatever was going to happen in this room but she couldn't fight it.
She appeared beside him and he jumped when he caught sight of her before laughing.
'Jesus, Hannah you could have said something, you'll give me a heart attack!' he laughed and she smiled.
'Good thing I'm a heart surgeon, then isn't it?' she replied and waited for his laughing to abate a little.
'What are you doing here?' he asked and Hannah narrowed her eyes.
'I'm here for the service.' she said and he glanced at his phone, tilting it up so it lit up.
'The service isn't for another hour and a half.' he commented and she shrugged, crossing her arms.
'I guess I'm just killing time then, better to be here than moping around a house by myself.' she said and John stood up, taking her cast in his hand and observing the new drawings. The normal Hannah would have snatched it away with a blush, hoping he wouldn't notice the additions; but reckless Hannah remembered the wine-fuelled text she had considered sending last night and pointed out Danny's new drawing.
'Compliments of my son, we had quite the discussion last night.' she said and John considered her face without letting go of her hand.
'Oh really? What was the discussion about?' he asked and she stared right back at him, her lips tingling.
'It was about what would make me happy, about what I want.' she replied, she wasn't lying.
'And what was the conclusion?' he asked quietly. Hannah knew that this impulse to hurt herself was skewed, that things were different to how they had been when she'd taken a razor to her arm all those years ago. Now she just wanted to break free from the mould she'd put herself in, she wanted to stop denying herself things she wanted because of how it would look to her parents, well her father. Roxanna would probably find the situation strange but give them a speech about how they were both adults who could make their own decisions.
It was like she was drunk, she felt disconnected from herself, like there was someone else giving her orders and those orders were just to break the rules.
She closed the distance between them in less than a second and kissed him hard, throwing her arms around his neck to pull him closer and pressing her whole body against him. For a moment, he was frozen in shock before his own impulses took over and he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly, kissing her back with just as much passion. They were locked in that position for a few moments, not caring about who came into the lab, only caring about one another.
Hannah found the desk behind her and John felt it too so helped her into a sitting position on it, pushing aside the work which had been intriguing him so much only a few minutes previously. Hannah's legs wrapped around him, drawing him even closer all whilst her lips never left his. She wasn't sure what she expected from him, but this was unlike any other experience she had had before. John's hands didn't wander, they sought exactly what they wanted to find and they knew exactly what to do once they were, with age came knowledge.
Her hands gripped his shoulders to steady herself as he found her weak spots and, she was unsure how, but she found herself half-reclined as he broke away from the kiss and everything paused.
Both were panting and staring into one another's eyes, they were in quite a promiscuous position, completely inappropriate for the workplace.
'Hannah, you're crying...' he whispered and she reached to her cheek to check the validity of his claim, they were wet.
'I'm happy.' she replied, surprised even with herself. 'I guess that's not something I'm really used to.'
He didn't say anything else, but he gently kissed her cheeks, kissing the tears away. She was glad she chose to wear a skirt to the service instead of the smart jeans, it had been a close call. He bunched it up around her thighs as she worked on his flies, they worked together to get her into a comfortable position on the edge of the table, and then they paused. They looked at one another as if frozen in time, the moments crept by slowly as each of them sought through the others eyes to check for any signs of being unsure.
Hannah paused herself, she was a little unsure. This was complete madness, she was having sex with her boss, her father's best friend, a man three times her age, all the above. Furthermore, they were having sex in his lab, in the hospital where they both worked, and they were going to a service in an hour to commemorate the death of a woman they had both played a part killing. It hadn't been on purpose, it wasn't really their fault, this was their therapy, this was what they needed. Hannah stopped thinking about all of that and started to just think about how happy John made her, about how strongly she felt for him and all other factors went out the window.
She kissed him again and he tilted his hips up towards hers at the same time. She muffled her gasp against his lips and they slowly began to move together. She wasn't sure what she'd expected, but she didn't expect him to have as much stamina as he did. He poured everything into ensuring her satisfaction and wouldn't allow himself anything until she was done and then he went with her.
It took them both a moment to catch their breaths again and when they did they laughed and kissed again. Hannah didn't know what this meant, she didn't even know what she wanted it to mean. It took them a little while to clean themselves up again and all the while Hannah thought about whether it had been the right decision. For her, at that moment, yes. The dangerous impulse was gone, she felt free and genuinely happy, something she had not felt since before Frederik's assault on the hospital and his death.
Hannah helped John in tidying up his things and once things were straightened out and they finally stopped did they finally look at one another again. When Hannah walked into that room she knew she was going to do something she regretted and part of her did regret what had happened; she averted her eyes and looked down at her cast, the drawings had been smudged.
'Are you alright?' John asked softly and she thought for a moment before replying.
'Yes.' she answered and then shrugged. 'I don't know. I will be.'
'I'm sorry,' John said quietly and the turned away, running his hands through his hair. Then he did something she'd never seen him do before, he got angry. He kicked at the chair so it toppled over and swung his arms like he wanted to hit something. In a moment, Hannah had crossed to him and had taken his arms to stop him hurting himself.
'Hey, stop!' she pleaded but she could still see the anger and upset in his eyes so she moved her hands to his face, forcing him to look into her eyes.
'Enough.' she commanded and he cracked a smile.
'I bet you're a formidable mother when Danny's having a tantrum.' he said drily and Hannah smiled.
'Oh, I'm the worst,' she said softly and waited for him to calm.
'I'm so stupid,' John said after a pause and she thought he might cry. 'I didn't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you, we shouldn't have done this.' he spoke with a wavering voice but he leaned his head forward and rested his forehead against Hannah's, he seemed like he was defeated by something.
'This wasn't you, it was me. Look, we both made the choice and it's alright. John, I don't regret it. I'm not upset because of what we did but because of what it means. I'm not very good at this kind of thing, I don't have much experience.' she explained delicately but he closed his eyes.
'John?' she said and then slowly leaned forward and kissed him again, she felt him kiss her back.
'This can't happen again.' John said suddenly once the kiss was broken and Hannah felt the crushing return to her chest even though she knew that he was making sense.
'I know.' she replied as a tear rolled down her cheek, he didn't open his eyes.
'It doesn't diminish the feelings I have for you, you could be the best thing that ever happens to me, but we can't.' he said but she felt like he wanted her to challenge him, she wasn't sure if she could.
'What if we did?' she asked quietly and his eyes slowly opened. 'What if we stopped caring about everyone else and did what was good for us?' she asked and she saw the consideration in his eyes.
'Hannah...' he began but now she'd started she didn't want to stop.
'I don't want to lose you. You started this in the first place! What did you expect to happen when you told me about your feelings? You knew I felt the same way, did you expect that to be the end of it? Don't make me leave when we've come so far.' she begged and his hands brushed away her tears before he planted one last, decisive, kiss on her lips.
'Maybe another time, but for now, this has to end.' he said and took a step back. There was pain in his features and Hannah knew he was just trying to be the adult, she knew that she should have lied and told him that she was fine. She had done this, he was too scared of hurting her to even risk making her happy.
She couldn't bear to be in the same room as him anymore. She turned and ran from the lab, she ran up the stairs as fast as she could, trying to lose her breath so she couldn't cry. It didn't work, it just made her feel sick and dizzy so she stopped and leant against the wall, trying to catch her breath. She looked out of the window, people were milling towards the service, she knew she didn't have long and she needed to go.
She closed her eyes and put thoughts of John to the back of her mind, she would let herself think about all of that once the day was over. For now, she owed Jac her full attention, her friend and mentor.
When she arrived at the service she sought out Roxanna and took a seat by her. Her mother was not blind, she could see that she had been crying.
'Are you alright?' she asked quietly and Hannah nodded, keeping her eyes forward and her expression steeled. Roxanna didn't try and say anything else, she knew that she wouldn't get anything else out of Hannah anyway.
Hannah kept her eyes fixed on the podium which had been erected at the front of the group of chairs, she hated this feeling, it was too familiar and it wasn't fair.
Abigail introduced the ceremony and talked about how Jac had dedicated her life to the hospital and how they owed so much to her, but she admitted that she hadn't known her long and so intended to invite someone to speak who had known her much longer. Hannah watched as her father stood behind the podium and she wondered if he would actually be able to make it through this service without leaving and causing her more pain.
'Jac Naylor was a dedicated and brilliant surgeon who was always unafraid to push the boundaries of modern medical science. Of course, her daughter and friends are constantly in our thoughts and prayers.' he said and gestured to a small girl sat in the front row next to a man Hannah presumed was Jonny, Emma's father.
In a moment, everything flashed in front of Hannah, the situations were reversed and she was the one who was dead. Danny was sitting in the front row between Hanssen and Roxanna, was John there? Yes, he was stood to one side, not daring to show any emotion, even in her death he was afraid to show the world how he felt. Danny was fragile, he wouldn't be able to cope without her and he was older than Emma, how would Emma be able to cope without Jac?
Hanssen was talking about the tragedy surrounding Jac's death but he paused when his eyes found his daughter's terrified face in the crowd. Jonny and Emma both noticed this pause and followed his gaze along with a dozen other people. Hanssen continued but people continued to stare at her, she felt the heat of shame rise in her face but she couldn't take her eyes from the little girl who stared at her. Hannah was glad she was sat on the end of a row because she had to get away, she couldn't be there after all, she couldn't handle it.
She got up and hurried to the nearest door into the hospital, Emma's eyes followed her a little way but then returned to the service, truthfully, she was still too young to even understand what was happening. Hanssen's eyes also followed his daughter but he knew that he needed to continue with what he had to say, he couldn't allow himself to get distracted.
Roxanna did follow her though and she caught up with her as Hannah stumbled into the stairwell, the closest private spot she could think of. Roxanna caught her before she could careen into the wall and held her tightly to her chest whilst Hannah hyperventilated, but she didn't pull away.
'It's alright, it's okay...' Roxanna whispered as the pair of them sank to the floor but Roxanna didn't release her hold, she kept her daughter close.
Hannah didn't say a word and Roxanna didn't ask any questions, she half expected John to show up but when he didn't she knew that it was finally time for her to step up and be the mother Hannah needed.
Once she was a bit calmer Roxanna slackened her hold a little and they ended up sat on the floor of the corridor with Hannah practically in Roxanna's lap but she didn't mind.
'I know it's hard...' Roxanna said, wiping Hannah's cheeks with her thumb. 'Jac wasn't just any old patient, I know.' Hannah sniffed and swallowed before she replied.
'It's not just that.' she said in a thick voice and Roxanna waited for her to continue in her own time.
'John told me that he had feelings for me and I pushed him away because I thought it was for the best, and then everything happened with those men and I changed my mind. I went to him and we...' she couldn't continue, even if she had only known about Roxanna's attachment to her for a short while but it still felt weird to discuss her sex life with her mother. 'Anyway, he's pushed me away now and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to process all of this at once, alone.'
'Hey, you're never alone,' Roxanna scolded her gently and she sniffed in response so Roxanna held her tighter. 'You have me and your dad and you still have John even if things seem a bit strange between you. Hannah, you can't beat yourself up about anything that's happened, you can't blame yourself.' Roxanna instructed but Hannah seemed unconvinced.
'I think I'm cursed.' Hannah said bluntly and Roxanna raised an eyebrow at her.
'I didn't expect you to be the superstitious type.' she replied and Hannah sniffled a little.
'I don't mean by like a witch or something, I just mean that every time things start to seem like they're going well, whenever I start to let myself be happy again, something goes wrong or I get proved wrong or something... Like with Ollie, just when things were looking good with him he got shot, I lost the baby and everything fell apart. And with John, I started to let myself think that we could be okay, that we could make something of ourselves and everything goes southward with Jac's death and he changes his mind! I just don't know what I'm doing wrong...' she mumbled and Roxanna thought for a moment but before she could respond Hannah had gotten herself to the crux of her crisis and she knew what she really needed to address.
'Why did you leave, really?' she asked quietly but she didn't pull away.
'I was scared.' Roxanna finally admitted. 'I loved David, I really did; and what happened with your dad was more of a spill-over from when we were kids, students at uni together. Before John introduced me to David your dad and I were sort of like you and John are now - neither one of us wanted to really commit to being with the other. He went back to Sweden and that was that. But then we met up again one last time and... I don't know, it happened. When I found out I was expecting you I knew you weren't David's child, I knew you were Henrik's. As soon as I told him he came straight back.'
'He left Maja pregnant, he left Frederik.' Hannah commented and Roxanna nodded.
'I didn't know about them until after, if I'd known before I might not have told him, David and I would have made it work somehow. When I still chose David over him I think it broke his heart. But when he saw you for the first time he fell in love straight away. Your father isn't the most emotional man, Hannah, but he does dote on you.' Roxanna explained it all as clearly as she could and whilst it hurt Hannah to hear it, she was glad she finally had.
'Thank you.' she mumbled, nestling her head into Roxanna's shoulder and she knew in that moment that she had been accepted. The battle was over and both sides had won.
The door suddenly opened and Henrik rushed in, when he saw Roxanna and Hannah sitting on the floor he stopped and sighed. He slowly walked over to join them and then slid to the floor on the other side of Hannah with a groan.
'You know, I'm getting a little old for this.' he commented and thought he saw a hint of a smile on his daughter's face. He gave Roxanna a small smile over the top of Hannah's head before reaching out and placing an arm around them both. The three of them clung to one another and, wordlessly, a pact was made. In that moment, they had all agreed to behaving more as a family, to being honest with each other and being there for one another no matter how dysfunctional and unlucky they were.