Chapter Fifteen - Moment of Calm
From almost the very moment he woke up, Danny was ecstatic to learn that he would get to take time off from school. He struggled with the pain sometimes but remained more cheerful than anyone really expected him to be, it was impressive how strong such a small boy could be. Hannah took two weeks off to be with him all the time and by the end of September she could take him home. She managed to find a babysitter now that the summer holidays were over, but she could still only go back to work part time. At first, everything seemed to go well when she brought him home: she told him about Roxanna and how she was her mother and he seemed to take it well but Hannah doubted he really understood the situation at all. One thing he did seem to grasp was her new relationship with John, she didn't need to tell him but he could tell from the way Danny acted around John that he understood that things had shifted slightly, to his credit he never said a word to Roxanna or Henrik.
Hannah hated being alone in her house with Danny so John stayed with them most nights, if anything to keep them company. Sometimes they worked and sometimes they just enjoyed their time together, they decided not to squander a single moment since they had both waited for so long to become an official couple. Hannah didn't notice anything was wrong until one night mid-way through October.
John was staying over and Hannah had just put Danny to bed, they decided to lay aside their work for the night and Hannah opened a bottle of wine. They had a couple of glasses and it was starting to go to Hannah's head a little, even John seemed a little brighter than usual. Hannah left John for a moment to check on Danny but he was fast asleep so she returned to the living room and collapsed onto the sofa besides John, leaning her head on the palm of her hand and looking at him with inquisitive eyes.
'What?' he asked softly and she smiled.
'I dunno,' she smiled, 'I just don't want to miss a moment.' she said and then started to giggle in her own embarrassment at producing such a cheesy line. He laughed too and held up her glass of wine to her lips, tilting it to let her drink.
'I think you're a bit drunk.' he said and she giggled as she took another sip.
'Hmm, maybe a little tipsy.' she retorted and let him put the glass to her lips again but he tilted it too far and it spilled over the sides of her lips. She snorted with laughter and he laughed at her she wiped at her mouth with her hands and swallowed the wine in her mouth. When she looked back up at him she paused for a moment and their laughter ceased before she leaned forward and kissed him gently, almost like she was trying to find her footing with him again; but by now they were very familiar with one another and it didn't take long before he had placed the glass to one side and was pulling her astride him, their fingers entangling and gripping in one another's hair with urgency as they kissed one another hungrily.
Things were getting more heated and his hands were going to her hips to pull her closer to him when they were suddenly interrupted.
'Mummy?' Danny said from the doorway and Hannah jumped from John's lap quicker than she had ever moved in her life, she stumbled a little as the wine hit her head again but Danny didn't seem phased. Hannah cleared her throat and walked over to Danny, crouching down in front of him and taking his hands.
'What's wrong, baby?' she asked in a calm voice and he looked down.
'I had a bad dream.' he said quietly and she sighed, looking down and feeling more sober now. She knew that the nightmares would start soon and it looked like now was the time. 'There was a monster, a bad man.' Danny said and Hannah didn't know what to say, she knew that this was all spurred on from the stabbing but she had no idea how to comfort her son; luckily, John came to the rescue.
'Why don't we go and check your room for the monsters, and then if they're there I can get rid of them for you?' he suggested and Danny nodded, letting John take his hand and lead him back to his bedroom. Hannah followed behind and watched as the events unfolded.
First John checked the wardrobe with Danny and then behind the curtains and then under the bed and when there was nowhere left to check he tucked Danny back into bed and sat down beside him.
'So now we know there are no monsters or bad men in here, do you understand that it was just in your dream and he can't hurt you?' John asked and Danny nodded a little uncertainly.
'But how do I get him out of my dream?' he asked and John thought for a second.
'Well, as you close your eyes to fall asleep I want you to imagine all the monsters and all the bad men from your nightmares and then think of me and imagine me slaying them all and then they can't be in your dreams.' John said slowly but Danny still looked unconvinced.
'But what if you're not here to slay the monsters?' he asked and John gave him a small smile.
'I'll always be here to protect you and your mummy, I'll always be here to slay the monsters, you just have to call.' he promised and for the first time, Danny looked like he believed him. Hannah put her hand to her mouth and moved out of the doorway as she began to cry, she didn't want Danny to see. She slowly moved back to the living room and sat down on the sofa with her head in her hands as she cried. John stayed with Danny until he fell asleep and then he re-joined her in the living room.
'Hannah, what's wrong?' he asked as he sat beside her and put an arm around her waist.
'I just... I have no idea what I did to deserve you.' she told him with a watery smile. 'I couldn't do this alone, you have no idea how much you mean to me.' she told him in a whisper and he looked at her for a moment before brushing away her tears with his thumb and leaning in to kiss her again.
Danny began to go back to school part time towards the end of October and amidst it all Hannah forgot that her own birthday was just around the corner. She knew she wouldn't be able to do anything special, she would be spending it with Danny in front of the TV watching the same re-run of his favourite cartoon which she could already recite by heart. She wanted to spend it with John but she knew he would be busy, she wasn't even sure he was aware when her birthday was but on the day, they were both working anyway.
Hannah had done her best to keep a low profile, to avoid any scenes to do with the fact that it was her birthday. In fact, very few people even knew so she was mainly in the clear. Until she met Dom whilst she waited for lift.
'You have been avoiding me all day!' he exclaimed as he came around the corner and she rolled her eyes.
'That generally means I don't want to talk to you.' she grinned but he grabbed her in a hug which she returned enthusiastically.
'I've been looking for you specifically, please tell me you can come to the pub tonight and let me buy you at least one drink to celebrate your special day. It's not all the time your beautiful straight friend turns twenty-seven.' he said and she raised her eyebrows.
'You have lots of beautiful, straight friends.' she replied drily and he contemplated.
'True, true but you're certainly the blondest.' he commented, flicking her ponytail and she batted his hand away.
'Essie?' she asked and Dom rolled his eyes.
'Jesus Christ will you just let me buy you one drink to celebrate your birthday? Since when did you get so good at quips?' he asked and she smiled.
'I learned from the best. I don't know about tonight, Danny and Paw-Patrol sound like such a good way to spend my birthday.' she said as the doors to the lift opened, only John was stood inside.
'Come on, one drink to celebrate?' he pleaded as she moved into the lift, he held open the door until she replied which she only did after rolling her eyes.
'I'll think about it.' she replied, hitting his hand away.
'Maybe happy returns!' he laughed and she gave him the middle finger as the doors slid shut and she was left alone with a silent John.
'It's your birthday?' he asked and she nodded.
'The big two-seven today.' she smiled, 'I'm not doing anything for it though there's too much going on right now.'
'But I'm busy tonight... let me cancel my plans and we'll go out for dinner.' he suggested and she shook her head.
'No, no don't be silly.' she turned to him and took his hands in hers. 'We can celebrate another time if you really want but don't go cancelling stuff for me.' she ran her hands up and down his arms before resting them on his shoulders.
'But I haven't even got you anything...' he countered and she raised an eyebrow.
'I think we both know that there's only one thing I want from you Professor Gaskell.' she grinned seductively but only really intended it as a joke.
'Well,' he said slowly, snaking his arms around her waist and pulling her close. 'I have some time now.' he replied and she stopped, pulling away from him slightly.
'What, you mean right now?' she asked and he lunged to the side suddenly and hit the emergency stop button on the lift panel. The lift came to a halt and she looked at him in surprise, this wasn't the kind of thing she expected from him. He turned back to her and took her waist, pushing her back until her back collided with the wall and then his lips came crashing down onto hers. She couldn't help the way her body responded to him, the way he held her up against the side of the lift and made her feel more alive than she had ever felt before.
That time in the lift was honestly the best sex Hannah had ever had in her life and it left her a little dazed as John hit the button to get the lift moving again. He was adjusting his tie and she was wiping smudged lipstick from the corner of her mouth and still trying to catch her breath as the lift doors opened again on Henrik Hanssen.
The three of them stood for a moment, John and Hannah looking at Hanssen in shock and Henrik giving them a small smile as he wondered why they weren't leaving the lift. It took him a moment but he caught sight of Hannah's dishevelled appearance and the blush which was covering her cheeks and he grew confused.
'Dad, hi...' she said slowly, trying to mask her surprise and insane urge to laugh. John was smiling slightly and she tried to shoot him a warning glance not to give anything away.
'Is everything alright?' Hanssen asked, 'I was waiting a little while for the lift.'
'Yes, everything's fine.' Hannah blurted out quickly and there was another awkward pause before John spoke up.
'I was just helping Hannah with something and it held up the lift, we apologise.' he said smoothly and Hannah didn't dare remove her eyes from her fathers' face as she tried to read his expression.
'Helping her with...' Hanssen began but Hannah interrupted him.
'Research.' she said quickly and caught John fighting back laughter.
'Research...' he repeated slowly and Hannah's blush intensified as she saw the look of distrust in her father's eyes. To give him his credit, Hanssen shook his head and stepped into the lift between them, they stood in their awkward trio for a moment before Hanssen turned his eye to Hannah who was staring straight ahead and willing the lift to just move.
'Are you not getting out?' he asked quietly and it took her a second to realise they were on Darwin. She rushed out without another word, leaving a bewildered Hanssen and an amused John in the lift behind her.
After that incident, they were a little more careful, especially when there was the risk of Hanssen catching them. Danny kept to his silence and a couple of months passed with relative ease. Hannah had never felt the way she felt about John with anyone else before, she was aware of how deeply her feelings were developing for him, she knew it was dangerous ground should he not feel the same way but she didn't care. She decided to enjoy the time she had with him and ignore what anybody else thought. Of course, in Holby nothing stayed secret for long and soon the whole hospital knew they were sleeping together; it was only ever guesswork - hunches and Chinese whispers - but everybody knew it was the truth. In a way, even Hanssen knew but chose to ignore the possibility of it. Roxanna consistently hinted to both parties that if they ever wanted to talk about their current situation then she had open ears but neither of them ever felt the need to go to her. They were happy.
The weather turned colder and it brought Hannah's spirits back down a little with it as Danny began to go back to school more and more and she worried about him constantly. John recognised this decline in her mood and thought that helping her to throw herself back into her work with the same vigour she had once embraced it with would help her to get over her state a little. He presented her with multiple challenging scenarios under the guise of research and training her up to a consultant standard and she tried to push herself more on Darwin and gradually things did become better. It didn't stop John from presenting her with new work challenges though, and gradually he had her consulting more on real patients on Keller rather than just hypothetical case studies.
Near the end of November things were fraught with more tension than ever as the anniversary of Frederik's attack on the hospital and subsequent death loomed over them. Hannah got back in touch with Ollie but nothing came of it, they were firmly just friends now, but Hannah's anxiety was reaching peak levels in and around the hospital. John often caught her standing by the memorial, staring at it and just standing in the cold until her lips went blue. He was worried and all he could think of to help her was to reassure her with the monotony of work.
One day, Hannah was waiting in the lab for John when he decided to present her with a new case he had on Keller. Things were going smoothly between them and Hannah knew that she was falling in love with him, if she hadn't already, but she couldn't dare tell him for fear of driving him away. He walked into the lab as she flipped shut a file pertaining to the trial and pushed it to the side, he could see she was stressed but she smiled when she saw him.
'Hey, you,' she greeted him and he leaned down to kiss her, throwing his own file down onto the desk.
'I have a patient.' he said and Hannah turned to the file.
'Go ahead.' she said as she flipped open the newer file and began to assess the situation. He explained the patient's history and the challenges presented with the surgery he needed to perform and Hannah narrowed her eyes.
'I don't get the challenge for me here, you know what you're doing you have a diagnosis and everything. What do you need from me?' she asked and he smiled.
'Your hand and heart in theatre.' he replied and she laughed and shook her head, shutting the file and standing up.
'No.' she said as she made to walk away but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him so she was pinned between him and the desk.
'Please... A CT surgeon would do me the world of good in there.' he justified and she raised an eyebrow.
'Then go and ask a CT consultant.' she replied, winding her arms around his neck despite herself.
'But I want you... and I want you.' he murmured as he leaned down to kiss her neck and she giggled.
'Well maybe one of those wants can be satisfied.' she replied as he moved up to kiss her mouth. Their kiss deepened quickly as they were both painfully aware of the lack of time they had. She pulled him to her and he pressed her hard against the desk, they both knew the direction this was taking.
'What on Earth is going on here?' an angry voice said from the doorway and John and Hannah sprung away from one another quickly as they turned to face their uninvited guest, Hannah's father. There was a painful moment as the three of them regarded one another, there was no hiding it now, there was no pretending it wasn't happening, Hanssen had caught them red-handed.
'Dad...' Hannah said breathlessly but her voice only seemed to break Hanssen's stunned anger.
'How dare you, sneaking about...' he couldn't get the words out to express his anger. 'What is this?' he asked angrily, gesturing between them and Hannah took a deep, shaky breath but John reached out and took her hand before she could say anything; the action only seemed to intensify Hanssen's anger.
'Hannah and I have been seeing one another.' John explained smoothly and Hanssen went so white that Hannah was worried he might faint. He slowly came into the room and around the desk, closer to them. Hannah wanted to say something but she had no idea where to even begin.
'Seeing one another? You've been seeing my daughter?' Hanssen demanded of John and Hannah was shocked, she had never seen her father this angry before, it hadn't even occurred to her that he would be so angry about this.
'Dad please...' she muttered but John gave her hand a squeeze to indicate she shouldn't speak; he was right, Hanssen's rage turned on her.
'And you!' he spluttered, 'what do you think you're doing? He's twice your age!' he exclaimed and Hannah sighed.
'Alright that's enough, we can talk about this but you need to calm down.' she said, trying to keep the tremor from her voice.
'Come here.' Hanssen said, speaking to her like she was a child.
'Dad, enough.' she said and his anger grew.
'Come away from that man, this instant.' he said and Hannah planted her feet firmly, determined not to give in.
'She's an adult Henrik, she's old enough to make her own decisions.' John said and Hannah turned to him, willing him to shut up. 'Everything was completely consensual.' he continued and Hannah immediately noted that he had made a mistake. Hanssen went so pale Hannah was ready to jump forward and catch him again and dropped John's hand in preparation. Instead of fainting, however, Hanssen suddenly raised his fist and punched John squarely in the nose.
John staggered back, clutching his nose and exclaiming in pain whilst Hanssen made to strike him again but Hannah jumped in front of him. She summoned her most commanding mother-voice and held up a hand.
'Stop it! That is enough.' she commanded him, her face like steel and her voice like ice. Hanssen looked at her for a moment with bitter disappointment in his eyes before turning quickly and storming from the room. Hannah slowly turned back to John who was nursing his bloody nose and they looked at one another for a moment before Hannah couldn't contain it any longer. She spluttered with laughter and John glared at her as she tried to contain her giggles.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry...' she said and tried to hold in her giggles with her fingers over her mouth.
'It's not funny.' John grumbled and Hannah nodded as she regained her composure and took his face in her hands to survey the damage.
'I think you'll live.' she said softly and he mustered a smile.
'To be honest, that could have gone worse.' he conjectured and she smiled back at him before planting a kiss on his nose which made him wince.
'I'll talk to him.' she said quietly and he looked down.
'I don't want you to have to choose between your father and me.' he said and she raised an eyebrow.
'I won't have to, dad might be a bit shocked but he'll come around. He's not a completely heartless walnut, you know.' she said and John's smile grew.
'A heartless walnut?' he asked and she shrugged.
'I don't know where that came from.' she replied. They paused for a moment before Hannah resumed helping John clean and secure his wound but she determined that there was no way she could fulfil either of his requests that day, in any capacity, he seemed to understand.
Whilst Hannah looked after John, Hanssen worked off most of his rage as he climbed the stairs back up to Keller. He was unsure how he was going to continue his duties throughout the day, especially if he had to work on the same ward as John; he didn't know if he could bear to see that man again without repeating his actions from the wet lab.
By the time he was striding onto the ward he felt a little calmer but his face was still pale and his hand shook with anger as the image of John and Hannah played over and over in his mind. He knew that Hannah was old enough to make her own decisions and he knew that John would never do anything to hurt either Hannah or himself, it was just hard to think that this had been going on under his nose without him being aware.
The second he stepped onto the ward Roxanna met him with the intention of asking his advice with a patient but when she saw his face she wordlessly guided him into the office where they could talk in private.
'Tell me.' she said bluntly after she closed the door and Hanssen took a deep breath as he steeled himself against the truth he was about to speak.
'Hannah and John have been sleeping together. Well, seeing one another as they put it.' he said with venom in his voice and Roxanna seemed to relax a little which only increased his anger.
'I thought it was something worse than that.' she admitted and Hanssen raised an eyebrow at her.
'You knew?' he asked, his voice tinged with a dangerous tone.
'I mean, no, not for sure.' she confirmed and he relaxed a little, 'I had a hunch, everyone has been guessing it, but nobody knew for sure until now. Come on, Henrik, they've not exactly been discreet about it.' she said and he sighed and sat down heavily.
'I don't like it.' he said bluntly and she smiled as she sat beside him.
'Of course you don't, it's your daughter and your best friend.' she told him and he winced before looking at her with an inquisitive expression.
'You are in the same situation, what are your feelings towards this?' he asked and she took a deep breath, exhaling as she thought for a moment, Hanssen patiently awaited her verdict.
'I think that John wouldn't ever hurt her, and I think that she's a smart young woman who has been through so much so if he brings her some kind of solace, some kind of happiness, I think she deserves it.' Roxanna justified but Hanssen wasn't convinced.
'She does, but what about when this all falls apart, what happens then?' he asked and Roxanna smiled at him again.
'Then we pick up the pieces and try to tie them all together again. Look, Henrik, take some time to cool down and then collect your thoughts but don't take it out on Hannah and John. They are both adults, and they are both smart enough to know whether what they're doing is the right thing or not. It might not even be anything serious, they've both been so stressed the past few months it might just be a fling, a way for them both to work off stress or relax. You know how they both work, they throw themselves into their careers so hard they forget how to take a step back. That might be all this is, but if it is something more serious then I think we just need to try and be happy for them, let it run its course however long that course may be.'
Hanssen thought for another few moments before another emotion began to tinge his features, concern, or even, if Roxanna was being honest, fear.
'I can't see her get hurt again. Not after everything she's been through.' he said softly and Roxanna took his hand in her own, squeezing it gently as she comforted him.
'I think you're not giving Hannah or John enough credit, and besides you don't have to do this alone anymore. You've got me now.'
There was a moment of calm and quiet between them as they looked at one another and smiled gently.
...
Hannah waited for a while before venturing up to Keller in search of her father. She didn't want to go too soon and risk aggravating the situation but she wanted to talk this through and sort it out sooner rather than later. She knew him, she knew that he would let his feelings fester and get worse inside of him and if he needed to vent or shout or hurl abuse at her, she wanted to get it over and done with. She didn't want anyone else to get caught in the crossfire either, she didn't want him to take out his anger and frustration on others' working on the ward, or worse, patients. She knew that he would try and bottle up his feelings but if they happened to burst then they would be taken out on whoever was closest, she couldn't let herself be responsible for that.
She didn't find her father on the ward but did find Dom sitting in the break room with new sunglasses on which he was "breaking in", his feet were on the table and he was nibbling at a sandwich and scrolling through Twitter on his phone.
'Hey,' she greeted him and fell into the chair next to him, he didn't move his eyes from his phone as he returned her greeting and she leaned her head against his shoulder.
'Talk to me.' he instructed and she smiled a little at his bluntness.
'So, you know how Professor Gaskell and I have kind of been...' she began, unsure of how to continue.
'Sleeping together.' Dom confirmed and she winced. She hadn't told Dom but she knew she hadn't needed to, she was surprised her father hadn't found out about this months ago since everyone seemed to have worked it out.
'Well, my dad found out. He caught us making out in the wet lab.' she explained and Dom's thumb stopped scrolling. He put his phone down on the table and swung his legs down as he turned to face her, forcing her head from his shoulder. He lowered his sunglasses and looked her dead in the eye.
'Mr Hanssen, your father, the Almighty King and stickler for rules, caught you and Professor Gaskell getting hot and steamy on the premises where you both work?' he confirmed and she nodded, 'how did he react?'
'He punched John in the nose.' she replied, not missing a beat and it took Dom a second to process what she had said but once he did he couldn't stop the giggles the way Hannah had been unable to. As he began to laugh Hannah was reminded of the ridiculousness of the situation and joined in his laughter. They were laughing for a couple of minutes as the moment either of them looked at the other and were reminded of their reason for laughing in the first place they burst into a fresh fit of giggles.
'Okay, okay it's not funny.' Hannah managed to gasp between her giggles and they gradually died down.
'So, then what happened?' Dom finally asked and Hannah shrugged.
'He stormed out and I helped John mop up his face, then I came here.' she said and Dom nodded, taking off his sunglasses.
'So, you haven't talked to him about what happened?' he asked and she shook her head.
'Well you need to.' he said and she raised an eyebrow.
'Why do you think I've deigned to descend to Keller?' she asked and they laughed again as the shadow of Henrik Hanssen loomed in the doorway. Dom saw him first and his laughter died so Hannah followed his gaze and her own died down too. There was an awkward pause before Hanssen cleared his throat.
'I think we might need to talk.' he said to Hannah, his voice almost sounded like he was in pain and Hannah sympathised.
'I think you're right.' she replied and there was another few, long seconds, before she looked at Dom and he got the hint. He snatched up his belongings, mumbling some apologies and clearing out of the break room as quickly as he could.
Hanssen slowly walked over to the table and sat down opposite Hannah who watched his slow movements and clenched her hands together nervously under the table. When he sat down, another few seconds passed before Hannah sighed and spoke.
'I understand that this might be a little weird for you...' she said and he nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
'Yes, I think that is probably correct.' he admitted and she smiled slightly at him.
'I don't think you understand why this is such a terrible idea.' he said bluntly and she rolled her eyes which earned her a warning glare. 'How long has this been going on?' he asked and she rubbed the back of her neck.
'A few months officially I guess, but a bit longer on and off. It all sort of kicked off when Jac... after that day; but things had been building up since before then. We decided to try and make it work after what happened with Danny, we just didn't want to watch one another slip by without at least making an effort with one another.' Hannah said slowly and Hanssen winced with each new piece of information.
'Why didn't you tell me about it?' he demanded and she raised an eyebrow.
'Maybe because I expected you to act just like this?' she suggested and he sighed, she leaned forward and reached out to take his hand gently in hers. 'Listen, dad, I know this is weird and I'm sorry that you had to find out in the way you did but you have to try and look at this from my point of view.'
'What I'm seeing, from any point of view, is two people I trusted betraying my trust.' he retorted, snatching his hand away. Hannah paused for a moment as her own confused emotions brewed inside of her and threatened to burst.
'I don't get you, and I think you're behaving really unfairly.' she replied, her voice thick with tears in response to his rejection of her, the tears came to her eyes and she struggled to contain them as she continued; she wasn't completely successful and a few tears slid down her cheeks as she spoke in earnest to her father.
'I'm finally finding something in my life which makes me happy and you're ruining it for me. You know I can never be happy knowing I'm causing you pain, knowing that you're unhappy and all I'm asking is for you to try and wrap your head around it. All I'm asking is for you to at least try and be happy for me and the man that I love.' she stopped short as she realised what she'd said and Hanssen's eyes widened in response to her slip of the tongue. A small smile played on her lips as she processed her own words and she nodded.
'I do love him, dad, and I don't want to have to choose between him and you, please don't make me, please don't be that guy. I'm not asking for your blessing in marriage or anything like that I just want you to try and be there for me; I don't want us to go back to square one all over again and have to build our relationship back up.' she said and knew that this was the time to be one hundred percent honest with him, they needed to have the conversations they had never had, she had to let him know how much she needed him.
'My whole life I've lived in your shadow but it wasn't until I came to work here in Holby that I realised how much I admired you, respected you. Dad you're my hero, you're the most amazing man in the world and I would drop everything for you, you must know that. Knowing that I'm causing you this negativity is killing me because I need you, you and Danny are my whole world but that's expanding now and John's a part of it too. I know it's hard to accept but please, you must try. We have to try and make this work, at least just for now.' she concluded a little breathlessly, her cheeks wet with her tears.
Hanssen didn't say anything but the way he was looking at her was softened, she could tell that her words had affected him in some way. He took a deep breath and she sniffed, wiping at her cheeks with her palms and looking down in embarrassment as she realised how much of a mess she must have looked. Finally, Hanssen spoke.
'I'm sorry about my behaviour today.' he said softly and Hannah sniffed, looking up at him. His eyes were sad as he watched his daughter cry and he knew he needed to try harder. 'I don't want to be the cause of any pain for you, I apologise for the way I have acted. Of course, if it means so much to you I will try and accept the situation and be, as you say, happy for you; just please, I hate to see you cry.'
Hannah smiled and stood up suddenly coming around the table to meet him as he stood himself and she rushed into his arms. He held her tightly and knew then that his real fear had been that he would lose her to John, that their newly renewed bond would be disintegrated with the arrival of a new man into Hannah's life. Now he knew that this fear was void, that he was not going to lose his daughter to John and that she would always put him first, would always be fiercely loyal to him no matter who else was in her life. He held her tightly and she held him back whilst Dom peered through the windowed door, smiling at the reconciliation, but wishing he could have seen the confrontation.
…
Whilst Hannah and Henrik reconciled themselves to the new situation, Roxanna sought out John to take up her own role in the family drama. She knew that as Hannah's mother she had new responsibilities but she didn't want to overstep any boundaries, she just wanted to make John aware of her new place.
She found John reading through a file and occasionally grimacing as he touched his bruised nose to check that it was alright.
'What war did you get into?' she asked from the doorway and he looked up, sighing and flipping the file shut as he saw her.
'A battle I lost.' he replied and Roxanna smiled.
'Henrik told me he found out about you and Hannah, he didn't tell me that blows were struck.' she said and John smiled faintly.
'Just one blow, there was no opportunity for retaliation.' he replied and Roxanna moved into the room.
'I think if you had retaliated Hannah wouldn't have forgiven you, ever. She's very protective of her father, you know?' she said and John nodded, grimacing as he touched his fingers to his nose again.
'Yes, I couldn't have retaliated anyway, I was the one in the wrong already.' he said and Roxanna tilted her head.
'Yes, about you and Hannah...' she began but trailed off, John didn't say anything but waited for her to make her point. 'I have to be here, as her mother I have to ask these questions of you.' she said and John nodded again.
'You want to know about my intentions with your daughter.' he confirmed and she smiled, slightly embarrassed.
'I might not have had much of an opportunity to act as her mother, but I do need you to know that Henrik isn't the only one who can land a good right hook to the nose and he probably takes more prisoners than me as well.' she said and John smiled.
'I don't doubt it. I hope it won't come to any more blows though, I hope that we can all come to an understanding.'
'And what is that understanding?' Roxanna asked, John thought for a moment before deciding it was best to just be completely honest with his friend.
'She makes me happy, and I believe I make her happy too. I don't intend for this to be a brief fling, I don't intend for it to be the same as meaningless sex, I intend to make something of our relationship. Throughout my life, I haven't had much of a chance to care for anything more than my work and now I have a chance to change that, I have a chance at some kind of a family with her and Danny and I want to treat it carefully, I don't want to screw it up. I know the situation is strange, our relationship is strange, but every time I see her my whole world brightens; I can't even begin to explain it, to put words to how she makes me feel. I just know I don't want to live without her anymore.' he spoke softly and less trained ears would have struggled to hear the emotion in his voice but Roxanna knew him better than that.
'I believe you.' she told him softly, 'and what's more, I trust you.'
John looked at her for a moment and the two of them shared a small smile before John took another deep breath to release as a sigh. The tension between them had released now that everything was out in the open but there was one more subject that needed to be broached.
'How are you feeling about Hannah? I mean, I know the truth came out a few months ago now but we never really talked all that much about it, did we?' John asked and Roxanna smiled down at her hands which rested on the desk.
'You mean how am I feeling now I'm officially a mother?'
'You were always her mother, the only thing that's changed is that now she and Danny know about it.' John replied and Roxanna paused for a moment in thought.
'I never thought she would ever know, I never thought I would get the chance to be her mother, not really. Going twenty-seven years without her knowing, without being able to ever let her know, was horrible. Every time I visited her and Henrik, every time I saw her, I wanted to tell her the truth. I almost had this fantasy that she would welcome me with open arms and everything would just work out somehow and I'd get to have her after all, but it was never going to be, not really. So now, knowing that she wants me to be a part of her and Danny's lives, it's amazing; it doesn't erase the pain of being separated from her for so long but it almost makes it a little easier to bear.' she hadn't expected herself to relay so much information, to tell John so much of her raw emotions, but somehow it felt right.
'And you're a grandmother.' John added and Roxanna laughed.
'Yes, don't remind me. God, I feel old, do you feel old?' she asked and he smiled.
'Yes, honestly, sometimes I do feel old... but I think we still have some life left in us yet!' he added quickly and the pair of them smiled at one another, sharing a look that they both understood completely.
'If it makes you feel any better, she talks about you a lot.' John said slowly, unsure whether he should be sharing this information which had been given him in confidence but he didn't see the harm in it. 'She really is glad to know you now, she's glad not to have the uncertainty anymore. She loves you, Rox, even if she's scared to show it.'
Roxanna gave him a grateful smile and opened her mouth to reply but John's eyes had wandered to the door behind her where Hannah was stood, winding her hands together uncertainly, it was clear from her face that she had been crying. Roxanna wanted to comfort her but she knew that this was between her and John and she needed to give them some space. She left the room, placing her hand on Hannah's shoulder and giving it a squeeze as she passed her.
Hannah crossed to John immediately and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder and doing her best to hold back her tears. He held her close and stroked her hair back, he wasn't sure what to make of this, he wasn't sure if this was a goodbye but he wanted to cherish it, he didn't want to let her go.
Eventually she pulled back but kept her arms around his neck, he didn't want to say anything, just in case this was her saying goodbye, but he needed to know what was going on, he needed to know where both she and her father stood. Once she had got a better grip on her emotions she gave him a small smile and it reassured him.
'He's not happy, he's really not happy with the whole situation, you and me.' she said and John's heart began to beat a little faster and he tightened his grip on her slightly.
'Please tell me there's a "but" here.' he said, his voice shaking slightly with his fear of losing her.
'But,' she smiled and he released a breath he didn't realise he had been holding. 'he agreed to try and accept us.' John let out a small laugh before leaning forward to kiss her and then wincing and pulling back as his nose brushed against hers. She moved her hands to his face and tilted it so that she could better observe his nose. After a moment, he spoke again.
'What did you tell him, to convince him?' he asked, now he knew they were safe he wanted to know the details.
'I told him the truth,' she said slowly, looking down slightly as her cheeks turned slightly pink, she stroked her thumbs along his jaw to keep her hands busy.
'The truth?'
'I… love you.' she said slowly and there was a pause between them, Hannah was suddenly afraid she had said the wrong thing, that it was all too soon but she couldn't deny the feelings she had and she had to be honest with him. He didn't move his grip from her, he was a little shocked to hear her say it and a little surprised to see her so embarrassed about it but after a moment he smiled back at her and kissed her again, dispelling the pink from her cheeks.
'I love you.' he replied with a smile and her eyes brightened in a way he had never seen them sparkle before.