3
Ash was starting to get restless. He felt like a lion holed up in a cage too small for it. The novelty of riding around in a van like Scooby Doo was starting to grow thin – he was sick of service station food, sick of sleeping with two snoring lumps every night and sick of having nothing to do but stare at the world going by them. America seemed never-ending. How could they be sure they weren't just driving around and around the globe, never reaching their destination?
It was those thoughts that were driving him inside. They were hard to shake. They needed him to go for a walk and clear his head to shake – to look at different street signs and license plate numbers to reassure himself that they had actually left New York. The problem was, he was being kept inside. It was unlikely he'd be recognised, especially so far from Manhattan, but, as Max kept reminding him – he had killed a man and got bailed out of jail. People would still be looking for him. The police were only third or fourth down that list.
Most of the time, he could deal with it. Eiji would bring a brown paper bag into the back of the truck and sit cross legged with him, worrying that he'd picked the wrong sauce or something else stupid. Most of the time, Shorter kept them company.
Then there was that one early morning walk with Eiji. Ash wasn't entirely sure that it happened. The colours of that morning seemed to bright – too painted watercolour – to be real. But if he concentrated hard enough, he could still remember Eiji leaning against him, his dark, fluffy hair tickling Ash's cheek and his mouth grinning into Ash's hoodie. His imagination wasn't good enough to conjure that up.
Eiji was asleep now. Mixed up in a bundle of jumpers and hoodies and a nylon sleeping bag they had picked up at the first homewear store they could find. Ash hated the feel of them, but they were decent protection against the bitingly cold nights.
He had thought Shorter was too – thought he had simply dropped off to sleep sitting up against the back of the truck. But then a voice came to him through the dark.
"I've seen the way you look at him," Shorter was just a black shape in the black night. A shadow more than a boy.
"What?" Ash forced himself to look away from the bundle of blankets and out the back of the truck instead. There were plenty of stars, but they were just tiny pinpricks in the night sky.
"Eiji," Shorter's voice was low, determined not to wake him. "You like him, right?"
He could have feigned ignorance. Said, yeah, he liked him, they were mates. But the insinuation was too obvious in Shorter's tone. It made his gut squirm.
"No," he said, quickly and sharply. "No. I'm not-"
"Bent?"
"No."
There was a pause. Ash had used the voice he used to get people to listen to him. The one that made boys twice the width of him tremble. Of course, Shorter was different. Shorter had stopped being scared of Ash long ago. It didn't defer him for long.
"It's okay-"
"I'm not, okay?" Ash snapped again. He hated that patronising tone. He had no parents to have this conversation with – he shouldn't have to have this conversation. "I'm not like Papa Dino-" he hated the way it still rolled from his tongue like clockwork. "- or Marvin. I'm not."
"There's nothing wrong with it," Shorter was dancing around the word. That was fine, Ash was too.
"You used to call Marvin a fag all the time. You hated him." Ash's voice cracked on 'hated' and he cleared it. He had thought he had ironed out his voice cracking like that a long time ago.
"Not because he was gay," he'd finally said it and the word was lighter than it should be in the air. "Because he was a paedo and a rapist. They both are. The three are separate from each other. Being gay is the only thing that's not - wrong."
Another car drove into the petrol station, it's headlights like search lights. The white lit up Shorter's face for a moment. He was still wearing those sunglasses. His face was unreadable.
Ash kept his silence, watching the man stepping up to the gas pump. Where was he going, at this time of night? The question wasn't a satisfactory distraction.
"So - do you?" Like Eiji?
Ash didn't want to admit that he didn't know. He wasn't really sure what attraction was like. He wasn't sure how he was meant to feel - how he was even meant to know if he liked someone.
He had liked kissing Eiji. He liked flirting with Eiji, now more than ever because instead of turning him beetroot, it made him grin. His eyes would glance down and then up at Ash as though he was checking that he was still there. Ash could watch that all day.
Was that liking him?
He couldn't ask Shorter that. It was better to deflect the question.
"It doesn't matter. He'll be going back to Japan soon," the car drove away, taking it's otherworldly light with it. Ash was glad, it meant that Shorter couldn't see him hugging his knees to his chest.
"A long distance relationship would probably be safer for him," Shorter's voice was soft and Ash felt a pang of - he didn't know what - jealousy? He was the one who worried about Eiji. No one else.
"Stop chatting shit, Shorter."
Shorter laughed, a sound quickly muffled when Eiji shuffled.
"Seriously - if Ash Lynx can't get a guy to stay with him then where's the hope for the rest of us?"
"You've been in this truck too long," Ash said. He faked a yawn, pushing himself onto the floor. "You're delirious."
"You say delirious, I say I've had my third eye opened. I can see things now, Ash. I can read your mind."
"Right now my mind's telling you to piss off."
Another laugh. He stayed still, not in a comfortable position, but one he could hold. It was barely five minutes later when he heard Shorter beginning to snore.
His head was pillowed on his elbow and he could see the sky. He wished he had the knack to read constellations. He wondered if Eiji could. He wondered about Eiji a lot. There was so much he didn't know about him. So much he couldn't know about him – because the more he knew about Eiji the more attached he would get.
Ash couldn't afford to get attached to Eiji. Especially not after Skip. It had proved it. Ash Lynx could not afford to get close to anyone, it only put them in danger. He hadn't even known Eiji as long as he'd known Skip – he shouldn't care this much about some Japanese boy.
Some Japanese boy with ridiculously soft hair and stupidly sparkly eyes.
Oh shit.
Oh shit – was that attraction?
The thought made Ash's heart stop. He lay there in the dark, his elbow throbbing underneath him.
In two seconds, he was scrambling to his feet and clambering over the back of the truck. The ground slipped beneath him in his haste and he almost fell headlong.
He hammered his fists on the driver's side of the window – right against where Max's ear was slumped against the glass.
The man jolted upright, his hand hovering over the wheel, before he saw Ash's blonde hair, like a candle in the darkness. He blinked apart sleep-heavy eyes, rolling the window down.
"Ash? What's wrong?" he was frowning, his hair sticking up like a porcupine's quills. Why did everyone think there was something wrong? Why couldn't he just want a chat with people? So what if it was the middle of the night?
"Can we talk?" Ash swallowed. He was suddenly finding it hard to look Max in the eye. His chest was tight.
"It's – what – two in the morning?" Max frowned at the dash. Ibe groaned next to him, turning further away from both of them.
Ash shrugged. "It's important?"
"Mm?" Max's head tilted to one side.
"Not here?"
Max nodded his head again and again, looking like a bobble headed doll. Ash wondered for a moment if he'd fallen asleep, but then he was opening the car door and pulling on a pair of battered boots. He stumbled down from the truck.
They headed over to one of the pumps, leaning against it. They were all advertising a space to put adverts.
"What's wrong?" Max fished in his pockets, coming back with a cigarette between his fingers. "Nightmares?"
Ash shook his head, watching the lighter spark and flicker to life. "I have a problem."
"You think we're being tracked or something?"
It was all they thought about. Wasn't anyone else thinking of anything else?
"I think-" Ash couldn't believe he was saying it. He fiddled with the gas pump behind him. "I think I might fancy Eiji."
Max took a long drag on the cigarette, puffing it out in a long cloud. "And that's – what? News?"
Ash's middle finger twitched of its own accord. He shoved it into his pocket, taking a breath. Why was this so hard to talk about?
"To me. I – I didn't see myself ever having a crush, okay?"
Max was silent. He drew out another breath on the cigarette, tapping the end out. Ash's nose twitched at the smell. Golzine didn't smoke, that was where he drew the line, but a lot of his lackey's did. Ash hadn't been able to place the smell for years. It wasn't particularly repulsive to him. He didn't care to try it – he wasn't about to risk yellow nails and teeth and whatever else for an addiction – though that it would certainly be a way of getting his own back. He could only imagine Golzine's face if he saw his precious pet with his fingers round a cigarette.
"I'm sorry," Max said finally.
"Yeah, I know, I had a shit childhood. Can we move on?"
"I don't know what you want me to say when you say stuff like that, okay?"
"Nothing. I'd like you to just carry on."
"Fine. Carrying on," smoke fell from Max's breath like bubbles. "I don't see the problem. You and Eiji are good together."
"He's - he's Eiji. He's nothing like me. He can't fight, he can't shoot-"
"I think you like that," Max wasn't looking at him. "I think you like that he's completely out of your world."
"That's the point. He's completely out of my world. He wouldn't survive in New York – and he won't even stay."
"Ibe can't force him to stay here, you know," Max spoke slowly, his eyes on the van. "Eiji's nineteen. He's an adult. If he wants to stay here – no one can stop him."
"I hate that. I hate how relentless he is."
"Hate?"
Ash looked away, letting his hair fall across the side of his face. Of course he did, but it was in a weird hate kind of way. He wanted his emotions to fall into place like they usually did. Love. Hate. They shouldn't mix.
"Can I try that?"
"What?"
"Your cig?"
"No way," Max laughed in clouds. "You're way too young."
"Oh yeah? How old were you when you first started?"
"Older than you. You're what, twelve?"
"Just one drag."
"You'll get addicted and then where will you be?"
Ash shrugged. "Addicted."
Max tapped the ash away, took another drag, actually looking as though he was considering it.
"All done," he said, crushing it under his boot.
"Fuck you."
"Just tell Eiji how you feel. From the sounds of it, he's not all too good with relationships either. The two of you will figure something out."
"That's just like an adult to say," Ash muttered. His temper was back like someone had flicked on a switch – he felt it boiling all over him. He started back to the van.
"Oh, thank you for waking up at two in the morning to help with my love life, Max. I really appreciate it, Max," he heard the man mutter behind him. "Teenagers."
"Old man. Why am I listening to you, anyway? You're divorced."
"You asked. I answered."
"Yeah, well, never again."
Max opened the car door, and Ash caught sight of the smirk on his face. He realised too late that he had fallen right into the trap.
"Suits me just fine, kiddo."
The door closed again. Ash gritted his teeth, his fists curling of their own accord. He wanted to punch the van. He wanted to kick the van. Kick or punch anything.
That was how his anger was – a sudden throb of violence. A sudden urge to kick out. It came and went quicker than a tide. He was just furious and then –
Not.
He breathed out, leaning against the van and staring up into the pin-pricks in the sky. Maybe they were all trapped in a jar, and those little lights were the air holes. A child was watching them with fascination right now.
Ash shook his head – those kind of thoughts were even worse than thinking about Eiji. Those kind of thoughts burrowed into his mind and sat there for days. He'd rather think about Eiji.
Of course, Eiji had also burrowed his way right into Ash's mind.
Shorter was right. Ash liked Eiji.
He just had to figure out if Max was right too.
He'd never hear the end of it if he was.