He wasn't always there, and wasn't a constant part of their daily lives, but somehow he was the first to see it. It was all in the small, subconscious gestures, which happened to be his area. The other aspect of that was also his area of expertise, so to speak, so the more he noticed it, the clearer it got.
He couldn't say he was really close to anyone in the SVU, since his relationship with the detectives was entirely professional, but he could say he considered Olivia a good friend nonetheless.
They had an excellent work dynamic, helping each other a lot in their investigations. Once or twice, she had asked for his help as a friend too, in times of need - which was a lot coming from Olivia, who would refuse to be helped at all costs, unless she really has no way out of it. And that was also true on the other way around, when he had asked for her help once or twice and she would do it in a heartbeat, as loyal as a lioness to her pride.
He was aware she bottled everything up, and of course she would keep that to herself, too. And he completely understood her reasoning behind that decision.
At first, everyone witnessed Olivia go down in a spiral of depression and anxiety, locking herself away even more, her well-known feistiness turning into really bad short-temper way too easily. Everyone, including him, thought she was like that due to one of their cases that really got to her months before, involving domestic abuse from an alcoholic mother to her teenage daughter. He didn't know all the details, but he knew Olivia went through the same situation as a child.
It wouldn't take one to be a forensic psychiatrist for the FBI to notice that, it was pretty obvious. But it would take someone like him to actually see the pattern.
Huang saw it when Olivia's behavior would shift as their ADA joined them in a room, or when she left - Liv would turn more or less distant, depending on that. She would fidget and pace around, uncomfortable like a caged wild animal, but clearly trying to hide that too, conscious of her own nervousness.
It was a sad irony that, hypothetically, in her attempt to hide the turmoil inside her, she was making it even more evident.
It wasn't as obvious as one would think by such description. That shift was very, very subtle but his eyes trained to see behavior patterns were able to pick up on them easily. And for what he saw, Casey Novak's behavior seemed to be like everyone else's in the squad, unaware of what was probably really going on with Liv.
It was no top secret that Olivia wouldn't date anyone for too long, and suddenly that - and well, her entirely -, made a lot of sense.
He disapproved of the popular concept of " gaydar ", in which you can tell people are gay or not just by looking at them - he thought it was borderline offensive for it laid a lot on stereotypes and it was one of the things that still reinforced people telling him that he "doesn't look gay" whenever they tell them that he is.
Whatever that meant.
He had known Liv for years now, and adding all those little signs to the mix that's what made him think about it when he observed her clearly struggling with something.
He thought that maybe she wasn't aware of her own heart herself, it happens more often than not. He even remembered seeing her flush a little for a couple of times around Casey, and even caught her staring at the ADA when no one was really watching - he had never seen the detective do that before, she wasn't one that would easily be embarrassed or behave like that at all.
And then, the detective and the ADA discussed in front of everyone around a month before, and Liv pulled out something about a man named Charlie that deeply distressed Casey, making her leave the precinct with a face that would probably make a dozen people drop on the spot on her way out, if looks could kill. Olivia had clearly poked a vespiary there. If his impressions were correct, Liv was trying to push Casey away at all costs, her denial stronger than her reasoning and her good-natured heart.
After that, he noticed they behaved strictly professional around each other. Something was telling him that it wasn't because Casey was still pissed at her.
He easily recognized it when people were trying to hide something not only because he was a profiler for the FBI, but because he found himself in those shoes more times than he wanted to admit.
The last time it happened was when he was dating one of his workmates, an FBI agent called Elias Quinn - they would behave pretty much like that. They were equal in their status inside the Bureau, so their discretion was purely to keep their private lives as such, as he would do if he was seeing a woman instead. He hated to expose his personal life.
But he still remembered how it was to behave like that out of fear of being outed, of fear of people's reactions, or even having his career affected by his sexuality being revealed.
Under normal circumstances, he would just let it be because it was none of his business and Olivia would definitely bite his head off for meddling, but the fact she was a detective that worked with the ADA side by side could be seen as a big problem if they were really involved and wouldn't let this be known.
It was a tricky situation and he was more than sympathetic to why they wouldn't disclose their status, if that was really true - even though things seemed clear to him, he didn't want to assume anything without the facts.
However, there was a big picture there, and he was concerned about it, on his friend's behalf.
It was with a bit of uncertainty on how her reaction would be that, after discussing the current case's leads and status, he called Liv aside to talk. He asked if she had a few minutes to go outside - he didn't want anyone accidentally overhearing their conversation.
Outside, she looked at him, intrigued. He chose his words, carefully.
"I know it's none of my business and don't really know how to put this, Liv, but I feel like I should try nonetheless." he said, as she squinted at him and tilted her head a little, confused. "I understand why you wouldn't want to tell people about this, I really do. But I think you should disclose your relationship status with Miss Novak as soon as possible."
His confirmation was right there.
Her eyes went wide and the red color crept up to her face faster than saying her full name. That was something he wouldn't see everyday. Contrary to what he expected, Liv didn't lash out at him.
At first, she looked like she was going to deny it, but knowing she would be terrible at that under the major blush she knew she was having, she changed her mind.
"H-how…?", she whispered, not really able to finish the sentence.
"I'm an FBI profiler, Liv", he smiled tenderly. "And also a gay man who understands what you are going through, and worries you two will get in trouble with the IAB."
"Oh... I didn't know. About you.", she said.
"I don't bring it up often at work or in professional contexts."
"If I knew, I'd probably had gone to you for a talk. Before, I mean."
"You still can, if you want.", he said, his voice on that tone of calm waters he always had, welcoming her.
She turned her phone's screen on to look at the hour.
"I still have some time. We could have a coffee, if you can?"
"Sure. Let's go."
They went to a nearby coffee shop and picked an empty spot so they could have some privacy to talk.
"Now, tell me. How did you find out, really?", she asked.
He knew her question had a lot more underneath it - as in "if he had seen it, would other people see it too?"
"Picking up people's behaviors is my job, Liv. Everyone saw you were distressed for months. I just realized it was because of what it was, due to… my own experience with the subject."
Olivia looked down at her own cup, turning it around slowly on the table with both her hands.
"So… it was hard for you, too…? I mean… to accept your feelings for other men?"
"You see, my family was the model of a traditional Chinese home. It wasn't easy to match what they thought a man should be with the things I was feeling and thinking. So I locked it away inside me for a long time, until I was able to leave behind all the things I had learned with them on that matter." he told her, looking less like the impeccable, water pond-perfect professional he let people see most of the time, and more like the still-waters-run-deep empathetic man who would do anything to help someone or save a life. Even if that meant losing his licence, like it almost had happened when he had helped a boy through illegal channels.
"I'm sorry it was like that for you." she said, sad look in her eyes.
"Thanks, Liv." he replied, taking a sip from his coffee. "It was difficult - all the self-doubt and the self hate I went through most of my childhood and into my teen years. It got a lot better after I went to college, away from my family's grip and judgements."
"You were allowed to breath for the first time."
"Exactly. Is it being like that for you, too?"
Liv slowly circled the cup's rim with her finger, looking down at it as she thought for a moment on how to explain, how to choose the correct words that would synthesize the impressions she had been having lately.
"You know… I knew there was something different. I've always known. It was like a red light in the back of my mind, always flashing, all the time, as a sign that something was wrong but not telling me what exactly was wrong." she paused for a second before continuing. Huang noticed how much she was struggling to let those words out. "I didn't follow how other girls behaved, or the way they seemed to think. I was the tall, odd girl, the one boys never thought as 'cute', and the one girls once wanted to give me a lesson after school for being ' such a dyke '. The strange, quiet, ugly one. Trouble child. The one with a drunken mom."
"I'm so sorry, Liv…" Huang said, broken-hearted by her words.
He knew exactly how it felt like - growing up to be the boy who was different from the others, who would be bullied for being small and skinny, for being Chinese, for being "such a fag". He had his share of violent bullying against him, too. He would never imagine Olivia went through all those terrible things, but no one ever imagines terrible things like that happening in people's pasts.
Olivia hated to look back at that part of her life more than anything, she would never talk about it. But telling Huang made her feel as comfortable as one could be when reviving such memories. She felt that talking out loud of her buried pains and the recently discovered side of her own identity was already starting to help her make sense of everything. How one thing was so intrinsically tied to the other and she never realized, until that moment.
"When I started dating guys, I felt like I had to behave... differently ." She revealed, squinting her eyes at her cup's direction but not really looking at it. Her voice was a little more than a whisper, low and deep, but her distress, trying as hard as she could to hold back her tears, was crystal clear to Huang. "I tried not to be too funny, or too loud; not too clingy, not too distant; I've always been taller than the average, so boys were intimidated because I was often taller than them too, or because I simply looked unapproachable, for many reasons. All of it, all the little things about me were a problem. Not only about dating. It was…. everything ."
The psychiatrist could tell she wasn't just being really honest to him - she was venting in a way she probably never had the chance to do before in her entire life. The herculean effort she was doing to hold the storm back inside her finally gave in and tears rolled down her face. Huang could count on the fingers of one single hand how many times he had seen Olivia so upset. There would still be a lot of fingers left.
He offered his hand out for Olivia, and she held it with a sad, but grateful smile.
"It's as if we are these… aberrations ." Huang said, tenderly caressing her with his thumb. He did know it, way too well. "We didn't fit, no matter how much we tried, and I doubt we would have anyway. It was not your fault, Liv."
"Yes… I know..." she said, wiping her tears away with her sleeve. "I eventually I just stopped trying. It took me way too long to. And when I finally did, I realized how it wasn't really the biggest loss of all, you know. Not caring about people thought about me. Not dating at all, or just dating guys to go straight to the point..."
"But…?"
"There was something missing. Of course there was.", she let out a laugh without joy. After a pause, she continued "I've been hit on by women before, in and out of duty. I would always dismiss them with a smile and a nod, and say I'm flattered but I'm also straight."
"We convince ourselves of a lie until it feels like it really is the truth. Sometimes, we are completely blinded by our own lies. But sometimes, mostly in cases like this, we always know deep inside what the real deal is." Huang explained.
"For what you've said, you've known since pretty early in your life."
"Yes. But everyone's experiences are different. Maybe I noticed so quickly because my home environment was so strict, I was be able to tell right away my perception of the reality diverged a lot from what I was 'supposed to' see." Huang said, his professional side kicking in a little, but not letting it overpower his friendly tone. "Some people just take longer to see it, for so many reasons. I think you just wanted to fit in, to be like everybody else. That's not a crime, it's completely understandable. We all want to belong."
"That was probably it, I think…", Liv replied, thoughtful.
"So, Casey was the first you noticed like that?"
She stopped to reflect on his question, looking outside of the big window next to their booth for a moment.
"Consciously, yes."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"What do you mean?"
"Looking in retrospect, I can tell I did have my share of girl crushes before - for a friend, for a teacher, for someone at school or college, even at work. But I would always attribute the feeling to something else, like... just close friendship, admiration. I can see now it wasn't that. I guess I was too far into Narnia to realize." she said, with a dash of humour in her voice.
Huang chuckled.
"That's more common than not, really."
"But yeah, about Casey, hm… I guess that I went a bit nuts when I realized what kind of feelings I was really developing for her - 'feelings that I shouldn't have'."
"That's why you locked yourself away for these past months?"
"Yes. All the fear and the guilt, it was eating me inside."
"Do you think the other detectives will treat you differently if they knew?", he asked, genuinely concerned.
"At this point, I don't think anymore that they would, but there's always a chance. It wasn't my only fear, though."
"Casey." he guessed. Olivia nodded.
"I was afraid she was going to want to keep distance, or even stop talking to me altogether if she knew."
He smiled.
"But she didn't."
She smiled too, for the first time in the conversation.
"I was definitely not expecting her reaction, to be honest. When I told her, she actually accepted trying something together right on the spot."
"Really? Did she already have feelings for you?"
"Not really. At least, that's what she thought at first. But she thought I was worth the shot, I guess. I'm glad she did." she chuckled a little. "And it's really... odd, noticing the differences. Feeling I don't have to behave in certain ways around her. That's quite new to me."
"That's always great news to hear," Huang said, the genuine smile on his lips. "knowing you have support. And her affection, too."
"It is. It really is." her own smile than melted a little, but not completely disappearing. "I know it's a bit risky, considering our jobs. And I know that if we go on with it, we will eventually have to tell people."
"It's not gonna be easy." Huang said, always sharp as a rock, but as smooth as marble at the same time. "But I wouldn't have said that to you if I didn't think it was important."
"I know, Huang." Olivia said, grateful. "Thank you for caring. And for listening."
"Thank you, too. You always know where to find me, Liv." he replied, his heart now flowing with a specific kind of happiness not only for helping Liv, but also for feeling he grew even closer to her as a friend on that afternoon.