5

"How much do you trust me?"

Ash was sprawled over the sofa, his feet hanging off the end. Eiji was opposite him, his head buried in a battered, Japanese paperback. God knew where he found it. He frowned slightly at the question, then met Ash's gaze.

"I've trusted you with my life like three times now," he spoke slowly - as though he was scared of the truth.

"So you trust me?" Ash could feel the wolfish grin spreading over his face.

"What are you up to?" Eiji's book snapped closed. His foot began to tap – it always tapped when he sat still. When had he started noticing things like that?

"Surprise," Ash shrugged, trying to keep his face neutral. "I have a surprise for you, but I don't know if you trust me enough for it."

"Don't be stupid. Of course I trust you."

Ash wanted to replay that moment forever in his head. He wanted to forever see that little smile on Eiji's face and forever hear those words.

But Eiji couldn't know this – he was determined not to let Eiji know how completely he had fallen for him – so he just grinned and stood, rubbing his hands down his jeans.

"Come here, then," he said.

Eiji stood, a half-smile of amusement still on his face as he looked at Ash. Like a parent indulging a child's whim. He stood close to Ash, a little closer than usual, his hands hooking in and out of his pockets. There was an air of expectancy about him.

"Close your eyes."

Eiji obeyed, his dark eyelashes fluttering slightly. They cast tiny shadows onto his cheeks. His lips were slightly apart, and Ash found it hard to drag his gaze from them. He could kiss him right now and it would seem natural. A part of him suspected that was what Eiji wanted.

But he didn't. He pulled a scrap of fabric from his pocket instead – he had put it in there this morning and spent the whole time waiting for the right moment to ask. It was maybe from an old t-shirt, or an old jacket – he had just found it at the bottom of his drawer and it was good enough.

Ash stepped around Eiji, slipping the fabric over the boy's eyes carefully, aware every time his finger strayed onto Eiji's skin. His face was warm.

He tied the blindfold as tightly as he dared.

"Is that okay?"

"It's fine," Eiji said. "Part of the surprise?"

"Naturally," Ash stepped back around him, hesitating for a moment. Then he slipped his hand into Eiji's, curling his fingers around his. Eiji squeezed back. "Follow me."

"I'm at your mercy," Eiji said. He curled his other hand into Ash's jacket as they slipped out of the apartment. "Oh no - at the mercy of infamous crime boss Ash Lynx – whatever will I do?"

Ash rolled his eyes. "You're an unbelievable dork."

Eiji just laughed – that sunshine laugh from his belly that made Ash's chest feel tight.

He had to tell him, he thought, as he led Eiji into the lift. There was hair caught under the blindfold, sticking out the bottom like feathers. He had to tell Eiji how he felt – how he thought he felt – he wasn't so good at recognising his own emotions.

In L.A, he had resolved to do it. As their adventure together had been coming to an end, he had resolved to tell Eiji that he didn't really want him to go back to Japan. That he wanted Eiji to go back to New York, with him, because he wasn't quite ready to be apart from him. Because he liked him. He wanted to know him more – he wanted to love him.

Then Eiji had been kidnapped.

Part of him had screamed at him to tell Eiji in Golzine's basement. In front of the gang – who cared – just a quick kiss before he got in the car. But he hadn't been able to do it.

He should do it now, whilst Eiji's shining eyes were hidden away. It would be easiest now, when he didn't have to look at him and he didn't have to see Eiji's reaction.

Ash opened his mouth-

The elevator doors opened and a group of middle aged women stared at him. He led Eiji out, putting his best charming smile on his face.

Of course Eiji tripped over one of their shopping bags and turned around, still blind, apologising profusely. He was facing a potted plant. Ash pulled him away, unsure whether to groan in frustration or burst out laughing.

Eiji had that effect on him.

People gave them a lingering glance as they walked down the sidewalk. That counted as staring in this city – after all, Times Square was full of strange people every day – a blindfold was tame.

But Eiji had begun to giggle from the absurdity of the situation. It was infectious – it made Ash forget to look where he was going, and someone knocked his shoulder. He stumbled, which made Eiji stumble, which caused them both to start laughing all over again.

To give him credit, Eiji stayed calm, even when people began jostling against them. He just squeezed Ash's hand until he looked back and realised how stretched out their arms were. He slowed down, letting Eiji catch up. He nudged him with his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked.

Eiji nodded. "Is it far?"

Ash paused. He smiled. "It's a surprise."

"And I'm a dork?"

"The dorkiest."

Eiji laughed, falling against him for a moment, slipping his arm into Ash's so that they wouldn't get separated. It seemed so easy. This was how couples behaved – Ash had seen them. It made him grin, he couldn't stop grinning, at the idea of him and Eiji as a couple. It made him feel like he was full of bubbles. He was glad Eiji wouldn't know.

Did he want Eiji to know?

A part of him did.

The closer they got to the new apartment, the more Ash looked over his shoulder. This wasn't his territory, and it made him nervous. It made him slip oversized aviators on to his face and step in front of Eiji slightly. He was scrutinising everyone's faces in case he recognised them.

Eiji noticed. Of course he did.

"Are you okay?"

"Mm. Why?"

"You've gone all stiff."

"I'm fine – don't worry about me," Ash was staring at the suited man across the road, waiting for him to turn around. His fingers prickled for the gun in his waistband.

"I always worry about you, Ash."

Eiji's voice was soft – so soft that it made Ash stop and stare at him. Maybe this was the moment. Maybe he should just step forward now, kiss him and say that there wasn't a moment that he didn't worry about Eiji.

But then that dork had to open his mouth and ask "are we there yet?"

"Almost."

It was true, the apartment was just around the corner. There was another elevator – a nicer one, with mirrors clear of graffiti and corners free of urine stains.

"Empire State Building," Eiji said all of a sudden.

"What?"

"Are we going up the Empire State Building?"

"Sure," Ash caught his own eye in the mirror and wiped the smirk off of his face.

"Really?"

"No."

"But we are in an elevator, right?"

"Yeah."

Eiji nodded.

The doors pinged. Ash felt oddly nervous as he lead Eiji down the corridor. He counted the numbers, played with them in his head, to take his mind off the inevitable door.

He paused, fishing the key out of his pocket. He stared at the door, feeling slightly foolish that he'd set all this up.

"Are we here now?" Eiji murmured.

"Yeah," Ash sighed. "Just wondering whether or not to carry you over the threshold."

He had the key in the door. Eiji's fingers twitched in his. He kicked the door open, gaze flicking into every corner of the room automatically.

"I mean, if you really want to…" Eiji looked almost coy – it made Ash's heart melt.

"No – I mean – just, get in," he gave a tug on Eiji's hand. Kicking the door shut behind them.

Eiji stayed there, his arms dutifully at his sides.

"Okay, here we go," Ash said. He had no idea why he felt nervous about Eiji liking an apartment he knew was gorgeous, but not about being caught up in a shoot-out. After a moment, after a deep breath, he untied Eiji's blindfold gently, letting it fall to the ground. He waited, unable to see Eiji's reaction.

"Wow," Eiji breathed out. He turned slowly, taking in the leather sofas, the pine wood floors – all the polished and perfect furniture that had come with the place. Ash's favourite was the huge, white fridge. It stood like an angel in the corner of the kitchen. "So this is-?"

"Our new place," Ash forced a smile – it settled on his face comfortably even though his heart was thumping irregularly.

"No."

"Yes."

"No!" Eiji was still saucer-eyed, taking a few tentative steps across the light wood flooring. "Ash – this must have cost a fortune!"

He shrugged – he didn't want to reveal the truth, but he didn't know why. He didn't think Eiji would be particularly shocked by it. It was still better to change the subject – to make Eiji blush. "Anything for you, sweetie."

But Eiji didn't get flustered. He just smiled at Ash, his eyes crinkled at the edges. There was another one of those moments – a moment where Ash swore that Eiji was about to stride across the room and kiss him. Or maybe he just hoped Eiji would kiss him.

Then again, if he didn't like Ash, not even a little bit, then why would he stay? He had stayed next to Ash when he could have gone back to Japan ages ago. He could go back now, if he wanted.

But he was here. Next to Ash.

Eiji was exploring the apartment, like a cat just released from a basket into a new house.

"Why are the blinds closed?" he asked, opening them before Ash could even reply. There was a long moment of silence, Ash's heart continued beating that strange rhythm. "Oh."

"The blinds need to stay closed," Ash said, crossing his arms over his rogue heart. "It's – a little dangerous."

"This move was – to spy on Golzine?" Eiji asked. He was still at the window. The blinds still open.

"Mostly," Ash admitted. "It was a factor. But we needed to change places anyway. It was getting too dangerous where we were."

"Okay," Eiji's voice was quiet. He let the blinds fall back across the window. The sunlight made patterns across his coffee-coloured skin.

"Are you okay?" Ash took a couple of steps forward.

Eiji stayed quiet, his finger still on one of the blind slits, making it wave slightly.

"I'm fine," Eiji muttered.

"Eiji." He was right behind him now, the sun flashing into his eyes. "You'll be safe here. They won't think to look here." Eiji was watching the street below intently. Ash hated how he couldn't see him. "There's a supermarket and a gym downstairs – we'll barely have to leave the building."

Ash took a breath – he took a leap – placing his hands tentatively on Eiji's waist. Eiji placed his hands over Ash's like he wasn't even thinking – it gave Ash the push to rest his chin on Eiji's shoulder, peering out the window.

"When you said you were stealing – you actually were, weren't you? You were getting the money for this place."

"Does that bother you?"

"I'm not sure yet." Eiji's dark eyes followed a man in a suit walking out the front door opposite them. "Who do you think that is?"

"I don't know. Yet."

"I'm – scared, Ash," Eiji said. He leant into Ash's hands. "I thought I was doing okay – I thought – up until now it's all been stuff that I guessed was pretty scary. I mean, everyone's going to get scared when they get kidnapped, right? But – this – this is normal life for you. This is my life now. Hiding from…it scares me."

Ash didn't have the words to explain. He used to feel that way – he used to be scared all the time – but now it was just like background noise. It was something he had grown into. It made him feel gross – inhuman. He couldn't even comfort his friend about being scared.

"You can go back," Ash said. "Go back to Japan, if you want, Eiji."

"I can't do that," his hands tightened on Ash's. "Of course I can't do that."

Ash was scared to ask. He licked his lips. "Why not?"

"I can't leave you."

The words sent a thrill through Ash. Without quite realising, he buried his face into Eiji's neck. He had said it so simply – as though it was obvious. Of course he couldn't leave Ash. The fact that it was that simple for him – that he cared enough about Ash to stay, he could barely understand. Gang members, sure. Eiji – who could go back to Japan and have a normal life – staying because he couldn't leave Ash – unbelievable.

"I'm sorry," Ash murmured. "I'm sorry for doing this."

"It's just the shock," Eiji said. "It's fine – it's…fine. I – don't know what I was expecting."

"You shouldn't be dragged into this."

"I've not been dragged into anything. I've chosen to take every step along the way."

"You're unbelievable," Ash whispered, his lips grazing Eiji's neck. "How are you real?"

Eiji chuckled, tilting his head to rest on Ash's. His fingers locked into Ash's. "I told you, I'm your good luck charm."

Ash closed his eyes, breathing in. He was so close that his stomach was pressed against Eiji's back.

Now. Now was the moment. It was just right – he wouldn't even have to look Eiji in the eye. He could just say it and leave it.

But he couldn't. The guilt was swelling up inside him like a balloon, choking him from the outside. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be cared about. He didn't deserve Eiji. Eiji, who he had dragged into his hell of a world.

So, he shut up, and held Eiji, the sun bearing down on his neck.

He let himself have that one, selfish moment.