8
Ash had been surprised to see Bones and Kong heading out of the building. He stopped them, immediately asking why the hell they thought it was okay to leave Eiji alone.
"Sorry, boss – you know we wouldn't," Bones said. "But, you know, he asked us to. Specifically."
"Said he's got a surprise for you," Kong shrugged.
Of course. Eiji had a surprise for Ash, so it didn't matter if he got killed or kidnapped. It didn't matter if anything happened to him, because he had a surprise planned for Ash. That boy was going to be the death of him.
"Next time, don't listen to him, okay?" Ash said, but he clapped them on the shoulder and wished them a safe journey home.
He had been out all day, getting various things done, and he felt the exhaustion in every part of him. He felt as though he had been melted by the summer sun and put back together. His legs ached and his head swam with the heat.
But at least he was outside of their apartment. He was almost home. And home meant Eiji.
Ash kicked the door open and back closed, throwing himself against it and sighing.
"It's too hot, Eiji," he dragged the words out as though he was melting.
"Really?" Eiji was leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, a smug little grin on his face. Fuck, he looked so cool. As in, not sweating every part of himself off. "I've been cold – with the air con on."
Ash blew a raspberry at him, then smirked and rushed over to him.
"Isn't my loving boyfriend going to give me a welcome home hug?"
He moved fast – faster than Eiji could duck away from. In the next moment he was being pressed against Ash's shoulder with Ash's arms wrapped around him so tightly he could barely breathe. Not that breathing was an option, Ash stunk of sweat. His palms made Eiji's t-shirt damp.
"Ash – that's gross!" he tried to push away from him, but he was held tight. "You're gross, get off!"
Ash just laughed. He held Eiji for a moment more, pressing a damp kiss on his forehead and waiting until he looked up at Ash with a pout on his face. Then he released him.
"How much do you trust me?" Eiji asked.
Ash took a moment to reply, his eyes scanning Eiji's face intently. Those starry eyes and that little smile as he looked up at Ash. He had a surprise planned all right, and he was bursting at the seams to tell him. "More than anyone I've ever known."
"Is that really saying much?" Eiji muttered. He didn't seem to care about how much Ash stunk.
"Fair point," Ash shrugged. "But I do trust you. So much."
"Stay there-" Eiji turned, then turned back. "And close your eyes, okay?"
Ash laughed, but did so, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. He felt his heart pounding, his whole chest felt warm. Eiji had prepared a surprise for him. For Ash. Because he wanted to. Because he cared about Ash.
He didn't want this moment to end – the moment of not knowing what it was Eiji had gone to all that effort to. To take the risk of anything happening to him just for prepare something special – just for Ash and him. The thought was enough. He didn't need the surprise.
"Okay, here it is," Eiji said. Ash opened his eyes to find Eiji stood in front of him, grinning up at him. Eiji with a cupcake cradled in his hands. A vanilla cupcake with a single, blue candle in it. A candle that reflected in Eiji's huge dark eyes. "Happy birthday, Ash."
He froze for a moment, his eyes watching the candle flickering. His felt his heart skip a beat, like Eiji had reached right into his chest and squeezed it. After a moment, he forced himself to swallow and try and find some words.
"It's my birthday?" his voice was raspy. Eiji nodded, but his smile was faltering and he started to look nervous. That hadn't been what Ash had wanted, but he had to set his own mind straight first. "How did you know?"
"I asked Ibe-san – it was on your paperwork from – from prison," Eiji was starting to look worried now. "It is – is it okay? I figured you'd-"
"It's fine," Ash forced himself to move. It felt like he was made of lead. He forced himself to wrap his own hands around Eiji's. He went for a smile, but it didn't work. He ditched it. "It's just – I had no idea it was today."
"You forgot when your birthday was?" Eiji asked it so innocently and earnestly.
"I haven't been paying attention," Ash shrugged. He must have had a certain look on his face, because Eiji's eyes widened and Ash knew – he wasn't sure how but he knew, that Eiji understood everything that was going on.
"Well?" he said. "Blow your candle out and make a wish."
"Sure," Ash couldn't stop himself from smiling. It made him feel worlds away from Eiji – Eiji, who still made Birthday Wishes and thought about things like birthdays. It made him feel like a child again.
So he blow out the candle on the cupcake, and made his wish. It was a selfish one. One that he felt guilty making, because there were so many things that he should wish for – that would be of much more help than what he actually wished for.
But the things he should have wished for didn't include Eiji. And those things he could do himself, or die trying.
He would need a wish to keep Eiji by his side, as selfish as it was.
"What did you wish for?" Eiji murmured, with the kind of look in his eye that told Ash he knew – word for word.
"I'm not that familiar with wishes, but I know if you tell them they don't come true," Ash said. They were still holding the cupcake.
"That's a vicious lie spread by cowards," Eiji said.
"Mmm," Ash ruffled Eiji's hair. "Call me a coward, then. I ain't chancing it."
"Boo you."
"C'mon – split the cake in half and we'll share it."
It put a grin back on Eiji's face, and he darted back into the kitchen to get a knife. Ash watched him for a moment, feeling like he was about to burst, before he forced himself to head back to the sofa. He climbed over the back, falling onto the cushions with a thump. This was incredible. It was more than he ever thought would happen on his birthday – had he hadn't even been thinking about it. He covered his eyes, grinning to himself like a maniac. Eiji had got him a birthday cake.
Eiji flopped onto the sofa, the cupcake cut into two halves on two plates. He handed one to Ash, practically glowing. His cheeks seemed permanently pink these days and it suited him.
Ash took the cake, wishing his mouth behaved like his heart did instead of spewing nonsense like, "You didn't make it, did you?"
Eiji paused, a mouthful of cake hallway to his mouth. "Why?"
Ash shrugged. "Just wondering."
He received a glare and a light kick from Eiji for asking and found himself laughing. Laughing on his birthday. That was new.
"I – thought about telling Bones and Kong, maybe some of the other guys too, but I figured you weren't the guy for a big party to celebrate." Eiji said, his voice soft.
"You'd be right, I guess, I don't know," Ash sighed, leaning back against the sofa. It clung to his sweaty legs, but he felt so relieved just to be sitting that he didn't care. "I haven't had a big party for my birthday in a very long time. Surprised?"
"Right back at you, I guess – I haven't had a big party since I was small."
"You didn't have wild birthday parties in your teen years?" it was easy to tease Eiji, but it made him feel bad when Eiji laughed so openly.
"No way!" he said. "I mean – I had a few friends at school, I guess. The guys from high jump always went for karaoke or something, but they did that for everyone and I can't stand it. I didn't like it when my family made a fuss of me over my birthday," Eiji must have caught the look on Ash's face because he stopped. The words were on the tip of Ash's tongue – must be nice to have a family – he bit his lip to stop them from escaping. The subject was changed – maybe not expertly, but changed nonetheless. "Do you think if we went to the same high school – we'd be friends?"
Ash laughed. "And just how would a star athlete like you wind up being friends with the school's bad boy?"
"Oh, I'd probably get caught up in one of your wild schemes and end up in detention sat next to you. After a week or two, we'd be the best of friends."
"You've been watching too many American movies."
Eiji laughed. "Probably."
"Do they even have detention in Japan?"
"Nope. I'd have to go to school here for our romcom to play out."
"I wouldn't want you to go to school here," Ash let it hang in the air, his mind on the numbers of pupils that regularly flashed up on the news. "Surely there's a way for our romcom to play out in Japan."
"Unless you turn into the cat from the Chinese Zodiac every time you get hugged by the opposite sex?" Eiji asked, his mouth full of cake.
"What"
"Or maybe I break something and have to work at your club - and the bad boy thing is all an act for the Host Club?"
"Is that really what rom-coms are like in Japan?" Ash couldn't stop himself from smiling.
"No not really- but my sister liked that kind of stuff more."
"You're weird."
"Look who's talking!" Eiji still had a mouth full of cake. He looked like a chipmunk and it made Ash's heart flutter. It made him want to grin and act like everything was normal. It made him want to kiss Eiji's pink cheeks until they turned red.
But there was an elephant in the room, breathing down his neck. He couldn't do it, not with it's beady eyes on him.
"You don't have to avoid the subject," he said, slipping his legs from the sofa so that he was sat on it normally. So that he didn't have to look at Eiji.
"I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it," Eiji murmured, swallowing heavily.
"I need to - a little. As much as I can," Ash took a long breath, because he wasn't sure how easy it would be to take the next one. "I remember my birthdays when I was little - at least, I think I do - it kind of all blends into one. I remember Griffin grinning at me and handing me some home made present that I would carry around for weeks afterwards. I remember my dad sitting my down and presenting my birthday tea like it was a three course meal. It was scampi and chips. I guess I've always liked shrimp - prawns, whatever. He'd probably just shoved it in the oven but it was my birthday meal and that made it so damn special. It made everything else fade away - all that mess with my coach didn't matter because I was king of the house for a day."
"It must have been nice, at Cape Cod," Eiji's voice was still soft. He took all of this in his stride. "Did you go down to the beach?"
"It was too crowded. The best time to go to the beach was in the autumn - when the early evenings were still warm. It'd be empty but there'd be a load of stuff left behind - ghosts of the people who came. We'd go through it and make up stories of why they left it there," he waited a moment, glancing across at Eiji. He was resting his chin on his knees, his hands around his legs. "Did you go to the beach much?"
"A bit, yeah. The high jump guys wanted to stay the night one time. I chickened out and couldn't even get on the coach," Eiji laughed, and it was that shaky laugh that he used to have when he was nervous.
"Look how much you've changed," Ash rested his chin in his hand, looking over at him with a small smile on his face.
"Shut up." Eiji rolled his eyes, for a moment looking too much like Ash. It brought him back to what he had started talking about – the brief distraction hadn't shifted the stone in his stomach.
"It was different, of course, when I ran away. I don't know how long it as before I became aware of years again. I could barely separate out days. Hours and minutes seemed like things that could change at any moment - nights stretched into seconds before they would be back, like rabid dogs. I remember seeing a guys watch once - I'll spare you the details - but my eyes focused on that watch. The seconds seemed to tick by so slowly - like when you put the t.v on half speed or something - and then all of a sudden they sped up and they got quicker and quicker and - he was standing up. I kept seeing that clock face. It was weird. It was like waking up from a Nightmare because there was still a reality. Time still existed and there was a world beyond this. I feel like that clock was what kept me going. Time was still going. Whilst time was still going the police could find us."
Eiji was silent. He sounded heartbroken when he finally spoke. "They never did, did they?"
"Never put your faith in the police. It was at- he couldn't say it, not without stringing words that made him sick together - his that I had a window. And there were days and a clock and I could orientated myself. Prepare, count down, try and figure out how much time had passed. It was impossible - I couldn't even figure out how much I'd grown. I couldn't remember what I was like before. That boy with the scampi and chips dinner felt like someone I had made up to escape," Ash pushed the hair from his face and let it fall back. He took the moment to swallow. "I asked him one day. How old I was. He looked at me like i had told a joke and asked why I wanted to know. I don't know what I said. I guess it doesn't matter because he didn't tell me then anyway."
"That doesn't sound like you."
"My attitude came later, when-" Ash stopped. There was still a part Eiji didn't know. He wanted to keep that part to himself, as least for the moment. "When I was his favourite. It played out the same but I told him I wanted to know if I was legal yet."
"How did that work out for you?"
"The look I got for it," Ash hated the dry laugh that came out of his mouth – it made him sound like something he didn't want to be. But Eiji giggled a bit too and that made him feel better. "But it kept him away for a while."
"How old were you?"
"Fifteen," the answer was automatic. Ash could almost smell that room. It felt like he was back there, he could picture that day so clearly. He could continue – he could explain that the next year was the year he got that car. The car that he had wanted to hate – wanted to destroy – but could never bring himself to. He was bored of talking about himself – he wanted to talk about Eiji. It felt like he knew nothing about him. "You must have been going to high school at that age, huh?"
"Yeah," Eiji let the word trail away. "Hey, you haven't eaten your cake."
Ash took a mouthful of it, though his stomach was churning with old memories. The taste, at least, helped him to come back to the room he was in. Here with Eiji and everything was okay.
"You're trying to change the subject," he said.
"There's not a lot to tell, really," Eiji said. That was when Ash noticed. There was a sliver of frosting on the edge of Eiji's mouth. Instinctively he leant forward, his eyes focused on that instead of Eiji pausing. He wiped it away with his finger.
"Thanks," Eiji blinked at him, and then frowned when Ash licked the icing. "Hey, that was from mine."
"I'll compensate you," Ash said, and kissed the corner of Eiji's mouth. It made him smile, melting against Ash's touch. "Fair?"
"Mmm," Eiji paused, his eyes mostly closed. He kissed Ash again, long and slow and warm. "Now It is."
Ash kept his eyes closed, wrapping a lazy arm around Eiji's shoulders.
"Did it help?" Eiji asked, his fingers curling into the front of Ash's t-shirt. "To talk about it?"
"I guess so," Ash was focusing on a tiny freckle Eiji had by his ear, just underneath his cheekbone. It was adorable – and easier to focus on. "I mean, it still makes me feel sick."
"What can I do?" Eiji asked. His hand was hovering over the side of Ash's face, like he was too scared to touch him. Ash caught his fingers with his free hand, burying it into his own hair and lean-ing into it like a dog.
"I don't know," he said, his thumb rubbing circles into the back of Eiji's neck. "Don't apologize – that just makes me feel worse. But don't just say nothing – I don't know – you're good with it. You don't make a thing of it."
"I try not to," Eiji murmured, his fingers exploring Ash's hair. "But I don't know the right thing to say to make you feel better."
"Just keep doing what you're doing," Ash pulled Eiji closer, so that their noses bumped into each other's. "You're – incredible, Eiji."
He felt Eiji's hand drop from his hair to wrap around his neck, but he caught Eiji's mouth in his own before he buried himself against Ash. He held the kiss, feeling as though his lips were on fire at the feeling of it. He wanted to know Eiji's lips as well as he knew his own, to be able to conjure the feeling up in his mind even when Eiji was on the other side of the world.
Eiji's mouth was soft and he melted against Ash like hot wax.
"Thank you," Ash murmured, not bothering to pull his lips away. "For the best birthday ever."
"Oh, come on," Eiji's fingers fiddled with the hair at the nape of Ash's neck. He loved that feeling – he would never cut it. "It can't have been better than when you were little."
"Nah. Since Cape Cod – thinking about all of that-" he didn't have the words, suddenly there was a large lump in his throat that he couldn't shift.
"Yeah," because Eiji could just understand everything that he said – or didn't say. He pressed Ash to him, burying his face in Ash's hair.
"It's okay with you here," he said. Eiji smelt of home baking – of vanilla. He knew he probably still stunk of sweat.
"Good," Eiji pressed a kiss against Ash's cheek. "Happy birthday, Sweetie."
The pet name made Ash's stomach jump. Now he understood why it always made Eiji flush and grin like nothing else in the world mattered. None of those other birthdays had Eiji and that easily put it miles above the rest.
It was a happy birthday. A very happy birthday.
"Here," Max pushed an envelope across the table.
"What's this?" Ash toyed with the handle of his latte glass, not touching the slip of paper.
"I think you know," Max was smiling slightly.
"So you found out too, huh?" he raised an eyebrow, trying to look intimidating. He used to intimidate Max. Somehow he'd lost that, along the way.
"I was the one who told Eiji."
Ash grunted, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, sorry, did you have a bad time? Should I not have told him?"
He took a sip of his latte instead, glancing away from Max – back to the collection of cakes behind the glass of the counter. He felt warm and hated how he didn't really mind Max seeing it.
"That's what I thought – open your present," Max tapped the envelope.
Ash raised an eyebrow. He wasn't amused and for once he wanted Max to know that truth as he pulled the envelope towards him. "You shouldn't have."
"I know."
"I'm serious, Lobo, I don't - I don't do birthdays. It doesn't matter and I'd rather you spend the money on, I don't know, feeding yourself, rather than wasting money on stuff I don't need." He said, but his fingers moved on their own as they prized the envelope open. It was like there was a magic pull to the envelope.
"Since when have you called me Lobo?" Max leant backwards, sipping from his coffee. He had practically downed it, and it was his second. He was watching Ash with a strangely smug expression on his face.
"Since when have you got me birthday presents?" Ash replied.
"That's what dads do, kiddo."
Ash pulled the card out of the envelope. It even had 'son' written on it in huge, pop-lettering and a character Ash recognised from T.V. He raised an eyebrow at Max.
"He reminds me of you," Max was smiling. "Your presents inside."
Ash flicked the card open, keeping his face impassive, but his heart was racing. There wasn't any writing inside, just an arrow pointing to the 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' that the card had already printed inside it. A gift card had been tucked in for River Island, the receipt wrapped around it like wrapping paper.
He couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. He had been expecting something a bit more exciting.
Which made him feel like a child. Eighteen year olds got stuff like this on their birthday and were happy about it.
What had he been expecting anyway?
"It's so you can buy jeans without holes in them for a change," Max said.
"Hilarious," Ash rolled his eyes, but there was still that warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest. Max had gotten him a present. Because he had wanted to.
"Aren't you going to say thanks?"
"Should I give you a kiss on the cheek to say thanks, dad?"
Max frowned. "You're not funny."
"Neither are you," Ash said. He paused, tapping his latte glass with his nail, because there was suddenly something in the air. "Was that awkward?"
"Only because…" Max trailed off, his eyes on the card instead of Ash.
"It's me?" Ash finished.
"Well, yeah," Max absentmindedly scratched his ear. At Ash's sigh, he gave him a wry smile. "No offence, kid."
"I'm used to it," Ash muttered. He took a sip of his latte, tucking the voucher back into the card.
"What are we going to do with you?" Max's voice was still good humoured. It was good – he was getting the hang of this. His tone changed, however, when he continued, it became softer. It was more like he was talking to himself than Ash. "I said I'd protect you – when we first met."
Ash shrugged. "I said I'd kill you."
He forced a laugh because he didn't want to add that neither of them had kept up on their promise. Max had tried – he supposed, but he was starting to believe that he could never be protected. He was doomed, or cursed, or something.
But his laugh was infectious enough to get Max to laugh as well and suddenly the tension in the air was gone.
"So, come on, I'm dying to know – what did Eiji get you for your birthday?" Max asked, leaning across the table conspiratorially.
"Just a cake."
"You do anything special?"
"He said he didn't want to make it a thing."
"Were you safe?"
Ash choked on air. He had to take a moment, fighting back a cough and feeling his face burning. It wasn't like him – that was never something Ash Lynx was embarrassed about – but coming from Max – and about Eiji –
"We don't – he haven't-" Ash managed to take a full breath. "There's no need."
At least Max had the decency to look embarrassed that time. He still recovered too quickly for Ash's liking. "At least that's one discussion we don't have to have."
"About the birds and the bees? But I was so looking forward to watching you squirm," Ash had finished his latte. He swirled the coffee drags around the bottom of the cup. "I don't – I don't want this, with Eiji, to be like – I don't want him to think-"
To think what? Ash couldn't come up with an answer. He just let it hang there, in the silence. Everyone else seemed to be chatting about trivial things – they chatted about normal things like t.v and the news and funny anecdotes. No, Ash had to turn a normal conversation about his birthday around to his past. To dive into that conversation on a perfectly good, sunny afternoon.
"He wouldn't," Max seemed genuine. "Eiji's not like that and you know it. You kids have to go along at your own pace, anyway. I'm – I'm just happy that you're happy."
"What was that?"
"I said you're a punk."
"Yeah, and I'm gunna spend that voucher on some ripped jeans," Ash found his smirk coming back to him all too easily. Like nothing had ever happened. "Maybe I'll splatter paint all over them too."
"Of course, you would."
Ash grinned. He knew that somehow they had just said 'thank you' and 'your welcome.' It was weird that Max – Max Lobo of all people – seemed to understand just what he needed. He needed someone to tell him he was being irrational and then call him a punk. It made him feel like he was a normal teenager. He liked being normal. A normal teenager with a normal boyfriend.
At least, sat like this, and spinning the gift card between his fingers, he could pretend.
Maybe that would be enough.
Ash was getting used to this. He was getting used to dragging a grinning Eiji out to places whenever he started looking peaky. He was constantly aware of how difficult it must be to be stuck inside all day, taking pictures of creeps and hiding behind the curtains. Bones and Kong could be good company, he guessed. But still, it was better to take Eiji to wherever he had just thought of, so that he wasn't trapped inside. Especially when it was still warm and Central Park was still green. He had known one of the carriage drivers there – he was an expert at matching his accents to tourists in an effort to get them to chose him. But for Ash Lynx – they rode for free, and Ash could point out double the landmarks. Sure, they were gang shooting landmarks, but it still counted.
Eiji was starting to suit Ash's baseball jackets and skinny jeans, looking like a native instead of a tourist. The only downside was that he was hiding those starry eyes behind his sunglasses, so that when Ash looked at him, he just saw himself mirrored. He wasn't interested in looking at himself.
It felt like they were catching up for lost time – lost years of teenage romance. Summer Loving, Ash supposed. The thought always made him smirk. He could definitely rock the Danny Zuko look – and Eiji – Eiji would look adorable in white slacks and a yellow shirt –
Or sewn into his pants. Ash didn't mind either way.
Ash didn't mind how cliché they were being – apparently, Eiji didn't either. Ice cream, the boat lake in Central Park, Coney Island – though Eiji was nowhere near as scared of the rides as Ash thought he would be, ice skating and so many dinners out. Even if Ash had to wear glasses and Eiji was glancing over his shoulder every five minutes. When they were with each other, Ash could kid himself that it was normal. That they were just two teenagers enjoying a Summer break together. That Banana Fish and everything else was just a tv show. Not related to them and not important.
And it helped that Eiji was getting ridiculously comfortable around Ash. Maybe not in public – outside the apartment they were both wary of it. There was always the risk Arthur – or one of Arthur's guys would spot them. As soon as they knew Eiji was with Ash he'd had a huge target on his back – as opposed to the sizeable one he had now. So they were careful.
But in the apartment, Eiji brushed against Ash almost every time they passed, like a cat rubbing against his legs. He was liberal with his kisses now, attacking Ash's temple or cheek whenever he felt like it. Whenever there was a moment that they were just relaxing together.
It made Ash feel braver too. It made him feel like he wouldn't break Eiji – that he could push a little further. Because that was the way he knew – he understood physical affection more than telling Eiji how he felt. It was easier to show him. Kissing him was the only way he could show Eiji how much Ash's heart belonged to his. How it swelled and backflipped and somersaulted whenever he looked at him.
"You know," he murmured, his mouth against Eiji's jaw. They were on his bed, the smell of the Summer sun still clinging to them, its warmth still trapped against Eiji's skin. Eiji could be a tiny sun. His skin was doing that thing in the afternoon light where it glowed gold. "I don't usually have someone sat on my lap."
Eiji was quiet, his fingers tracing through Ash's hair. He had a habit of playing with the too long bits at the nape of his neck. "Do you want to sit on my lap?"
"Mm," he took Eiji's lip in his mouth, playing with it for a moment with his teeth and feeling Eiji sighed against him. He relaxed, his whole body weight on Ash. He was heavier than he looked. It was a good weight. It was good, having his hands on Eiji's back to support him. He pulled away, slowly – because 'mm' wasn't a proper answer. His eyelashes flicked as he looked up at those dark eyes. "There's always next time."
"I like the sound of that," Eiji murmured. He kissed Ash again, his mouth ever so slightly open. It sent a thrill through Ash and he trailed his hands down Eiji's back. He knelt upwards slightly to accommodate Ash's hands and grinned when Ash cupped his butt. No doubt he was thinking of that first kiss – when he had felt Eiji freeze and could practically hear the other boy's heart racing. When he had been thinking of the message in pill, but also when he'd seen the opportunity to kiss Eiji. It had meant to be just the once. How lucky he was that it was just the first in a string of many.
Eiji was still kissing him, his hands firm and sure on the back of Ash's head, his lips teasing Ash's open. Ash's stomach fluttered – yes, he was ready for this.
But then his stomach dropped and turned. He couldn't even say why, but he just knew he suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. Ash stopped. His hands fell down.
"Stop." He whispered.
Eiji did. Immediately he pulled away, his hands on Ash's shoulders. He blinked at him, his face flushed. No doubt he was blaming himself.
"I can't," Ash said, and found that he couldn't explain himself. "I'm-"
"It's fine," he couldn't bear to see him apologising. He slipped off of Ash's lap and sat next to him in the bed, instead. His hands finding Ash's and holding them tightly. "It's okay."
"You must hate this," Ash's throat felt dry, his hands as heavy as lead in Eiji's grip.
"No," Eiji squeezed his fingers as though he was trying to draw warmth back into Ash. "No, honestly."
Ash raised his eyebrows, attempting to untangle himself but with no success. The sick feeling was starting to retreat, as quickly as it had welled up inside him. He focused on trying to breathe.
"What happened?" Eiji asked.
Ash shrugged. "I – I just – I can't."
"What do you need?"
He could have burst into tears.
Instead, he murmured. "Air."
It felt as though his pummelled heart was trapped in his throat. Eiji kept hold of one of his hands as he stepped around the bed to the window, until only the tips of their fingers were connected. But he still managed to hold on, cracking the window open without opening the drapes, so that they drifted lazily into the room like ghosts.
Ash stayed quiet. It felt as though he had been locked inside a suit that look liked himself. He could see, but everything looked dull and he could hear, but everything sounded far away. There was just old memories forcing him back into himself.
But there was still Eiji's fingers against his. And they were warm.
He sat back down next to Ash without a word. They could hear the buzz of Bones and Kong's voices in the other room.
"Are you angry?" Ash whispered, because the silence was felt awkward.
"What? No – never!" Eiji turned to him, his eyes wide. "I didn't know if it was a talking thing? Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know," Ash admitted. He seemed to be saying that a lot more to Eiji now and he didn't feel as bad about it. It didn't make him feel like a failure or a fraud for admitting it – for not being the ultra-confident Ash Lynx. Without that persona – he didn't want to think about who he was – who he really was underneath. But that seemed to be the person that Eiji wanted to know. "I don't – I just, don't want this to be – I don't to turn you into me. And I know – that it's different, that it's completely different – but I can't – it can't be like those times."
Eiji was looking at him with such a strange expression. It was like he was the only thing Eiji could see – like something special. Not something broken. He was looking at him with those soft brown eyes, like the eyes of a deer.
"Oh, Ash," he sounded for all the world like he was melting. "I need to hug you – is that okay?"
Ash nodded, and he was surprised that Eiji actually waited for him too. But then he was all wrapped up in Eiji's arms and Eiji's face was buried in his shoulder and his hair was tickling Ash's nose and was in his mouth-
And Eiji was shaking.
"Shit - are you okay?" Ash's hands were hovering over Eiji's back, scared to hold him. "Are you crying?"
"Because this must be so hard - and you're trying so hard and you're - you're just so - so sweet! You shouldn't be thinking about me - you should be thinking of you! If you're okay - not me!" Eiji's voice was muffled and he began to hiccup halfway through. It scared Ash - really scared him - sent a wave of cold right through his core. He had never seen Eiji cry. With everything that had happened - Eiji hadn't cried.
But he was now. He was crying because of Ash. Because Ash finally put his finger on the fear that had been gnawing inside him since that first kiss with Eiji. The feeling that, no matter what he did, he would end up showing who he used to be to him.
Eiji was crying because Ash was scared and that was more chilling than anything else in the world.
He pressed his face back into Eiji's hair - vanilla and cheap aftershave - wrapping his arms around him because he needed a moment. He needed something to hold on to - just for a moment.
Then - "look at me, Eiji," in a tiny, soft voice. But at least he sounded calm as his finger found Eiji's chin and nudged it up to face him. There was still a tear rolling down Eiji's cheek, catching the sun as it fell, like a spark of light escaping from him. "You – just caring about me – that's better than I ever expected-"
"You're making it worse!" Eiji wiped larger tears away with the heel of his hand.
"Well then what can I say?!" Ash heard his voice cracking as it rose.
"I don't know!" Eiji's voice rose to match Ash's. They both gave a breathless, nonsensical laugh, before Eiji was hugging Ash again. He was so warm. "Just – oh God, Ash – just it's okay. It's okay. You more than deserve this and you more than deserve to feel whatever way you want. I told you before, I'll follow your lead, alright? Whatever you're comfortable with."
Ash closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling of being held by Eiji. Like this, it was like Eiji was his whole world. He'd be perfectly happy to stay here, in Eiji's arms, forever.
"You're incredible," he whispered, revelling in the feeling of holding Eiji in his arms. He was so solid – so there.
There was someone that cared.
And apparently he deserved that.