11
Max found them almost immediately. Ash didn't even know how he found them. Maybe he was something of a journalist after all.
"Ash."
He wanted to say something clever. Something witty that would make Max smirk instead of staring at him with that panicked, worried look in his eyes. He hated that look. It stirred something into anger deep within him, but he wasn't sure what.
"Yeah," was all he said, stepping back inside to let Max in and mostly collapsing onto the battered sofa. He missed the old apartment. He missed the space and the new furniture and the fresh air and Eiji standing in it all. It had been like a glimpse into a past life – a life he could have had – a life he kidded himself he had so many times. Now it was bare and cold and Eiji didn't fit in here.
"Stupid question," Max nudged the door closed with his foot and sat next to Ash. It made the whole couch bounce. "Are you okay?"
Ash shrugged. "Stupid answer – no."
"Do you want to be touched right now?" Max only had to glance at Ash's raised eyebrow to understand what he was saying. "I've been – reading up on dealing with this, and how people deal with it and – I know you might not want to be touched, but I-" he paused. He wasn't looking at Ash, his fists clenching and unclenching in his lap. "I want to hug you. I want to be able to cover you up completely and hide you away from everyone until – until this all goes away."
He stared at him, his brain and his mouth trying to come up with some response. He had to respond to this. He couldn't. His heart might not have even been beating, for all he knew in that moment. So, instead, he sloped against Max's shoulder. A sigh came out of him that lasted for what felt like an eternity.
It had only just hit him that he was safe. That it was all over. Safe. For now.
Max stayed still against him, still waiting for his response.
"It's okay," Ash said. His voice was low. Monotone. It was like he was exhausted. He was exhausted. "I mean – I think, I don't know. No one's asked."
"I guess not, huh?" Max muttered. He placed a tentative hand on Ash's shoulder. After a moment, his thumb started rubbing in circles. "Eiji says you're sick."
"He's been telling tales on me now?" Ash wanted to sound light-hearted, but his voice cracked and went raspy. He swallowed. It didn't help. "Acute anorexia. That's what the doctor said."
"You stopped eating?" Max's voice was a solid hum. Ash didn't look at him, he stared at the floor.
"I didn't mean to – I wasn't trying to off myself or anything. My body just stopped working," a strange sound came from the back of his throat – a ghoul's laugh. "Isn't that ironic? The one thing he liked about me stopped working."
"What was different this time?"
"He wanted me to work for him – like, work work. Business meetings and computers," Ash took a long rattling breath, sounding like a bag of bones. He was a bag of bones. "I forgot who I was."
Max was quiet, his thumb still drawing circles on Ash's shoulder.
"You've been so strong," he said, and Ash wasn't sure if he was supposed to hear it. "You're braver than me, for sure. You've been through more horrors than me and your brother combined and you're a lot stronger than both of us."
"Bullshit."
"If you say so," Max said. He shifted, so that he could look at Ash's face. Ash didn't move. He didn't think he could. He felt dimly aware of Max cuffing at his eyes, wiping away tears he couldn't even feel. His cheeks tingled.
"I lost it," Ash said. "I completely lost it. Don't even remember what I was saying – not really – shit about toilets and – the way he looked at me. He was so utterly disgusted by me that I couldn't stop laughing because that's what he created. And I couldn't stop and I hated myself and I wanted to stop – I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I couldn't – I couldn't even remember my own name."
He was starting to cough, barely able to get the words out, but they had to go. They had to leave.
"I'm sorry," Max swallowed heavily. "I couldn't do anything to help you. I've never been able to keep you safe."
"Not your fault," Ash's voice was hardly more than a whisper. It felt like he'd used it all up.
"I should have checked up on you after Griffin – I should have made sure you were okay."
"You wouldn't have found me. You didn't even know who I was until I said."
"I would have found you, kiddo. I'm a journalist."
"And what would you have done? Charged into his mansion all by yourself?"
Max was silent, even his thumb stopped moving on Ash's hoodie. He stayed quiet for a long time, but his arm was still around Ash and he still felt safe. Was this what it was meant to be like to have a dad? To have someone looking after him?
"Will you be able to eat something now? If I get you something?" Max asked quietly.
Ash shrugged against him.
"I don't want to put you in the hospital – it'd be too dangerous," Max continued. He paused, then said the magic words. "Eiji wouldn't want to either."
"I know," Ash said. He gritted his jaw – it was hardly his choice anymore, but no one seemed to understand that. He didn't even understand that. "I can manage soup – tinned soup – I guess."
"Now?" Max stood – ready to help. He was always so ready to help, even if it meant giving up everything. Even if it meant giving up everything so Ash could protect the boy he loved. The eagerness – the thought – turned Ash's stomach. No, he couldn't eat anything.
Ash shrugged. His lips twitched. "Now? I could go for a cigarette?"
"Cigarettes make you lose your appetite," but Max was fishing one out of his pocket, just to hold in his mouth.
"So? What's the harm now?"
"You're not funny."
"Then why are you smiling?"
"Because," Max paused and looked at him with that dad smile – all crinkled, sparkly eyes – then ruffled Ash's hair with a large hand. "You're back to being you."
"A sarcastic little shit?" Ash leant back on his hands, his hair falling into his eyes. He grinned and hoped he looked like a normal teenager taking the mickey. That was what he wanted to be – not the other stuff.
"Yeah, basically."
Ash scoffed. Then he bit his lip. He didn't want to say it – he used to think that he'd rather die than say it to Max. But he didn't feel like complete and utter shit, and that was partly – if he was going to do this then he had to only use 'partly' – because of Max. Because if Max had known, he would have tried to find him. It didn't matter that he wouldn't have been able to do anything, because he had appeared within twenty-four hours at Ash's door. So, he had to say it, however much it might hurt.
"Hey, Max?" he waited until the man turned to him and gave his lip a final bite. "Thanks."
He had been expecting just a snippet of gratitude or maybe even a little surprise. As sickening as a heartfelt moment would have been, he supposed he could have dealt with it.
Instead, Max leant towards him, a hand cupped around his ear.
"What's that?" he asked. "I couldn't quite hear you."
"I said 'fuck you.'"
"That's what I thought," Max was grinning now, the cigarette still balanced in his mouth.
"I don't know why I let you in."
"Because I'm going to make you tinned soup – just how Eiji does," he was rifling through their cupboards. It was all tinned foods and stuff that couldn't go off. Stuff that didn't require a lot of effort to make.
"How'd you know Eiji did that?"
"Because it was the only thing you'd eat," Max put the tin down on the counter with a loud clink. "And you just told me. Journalist, remember."
Ash frowned at him. He hated being so easy to read – hated how it was so obvious how much he treasured Eiji. Max annoyed him when he was like that.
But he knew just how to annoy Max.
"Are you going to make sure I eat every last mouthful like a good boy, dad?" he smiled sweetly, catching Max's wince.
"You bet," Max flicked the hob on and lit his cigarette off of it, still grinning.
Ash sighed, fighting back the urge to smile. He couldn't let Max win – he wouldn't smile. He would smirk and snicker and snort but he wouldn't give him a smile. However much he felt like it.
Because, just for a moment, it all felt normal. For a moment, Ash had a glimpse into a different life where Max was the one who had brought him up. Where Max was a dad – and a good one, in his own way - and Ash was still Aslan.
He supposed it wouldn't be that bad.
It wouldn't be that bad at all.
Eiji was starting to hate shrimp and avocado. He was starting to hate tinned soup.
But they were the two things Ash seemed to be eating and managing to keep down, so he had to manage. He had begun to buy ramen instead, the cheap kind that he could shove in a microwave. It wasn't ramen, not even close, but he could smirk as Ash and say "well, you didn't like Japanese food the last you tried it."
It was strange seeing Ash sat in the hideaway again. The last time he had seen Ash had been their apartment. A nice, clean apartment with beautiful views and new furniture. An apartment that didn't have teenagers slipping in and out all the time. An apartment where they could afford to pay for heating and electric. He suspected Ash still could now, but it was hard to pay bills in cash.
Not a lot of the others had money. What they did have, they used to eat, not to pay for Eiji's electricity. It wasn't important, they said. Money was for food or making deals. It was something to be hoarded away – for getaway flights or buses – to pay back the right person at the right time.
But Eiji remembered when a bullet had shattered their window and skimmed his arm, like fire against his skin. Their light had been on.
Ash didn't even like candles lit without the curtains closed.
He was more on edge now. It was like he expected assassins around every corner. That was the way he used to be, but he didn't hold himself with that same confidence anymore. Something had changed. He was wounded, in some way.
So Eiji would nurse him back to the sarcastic, cocky boy that he had first met in New York. He'd get Ash's laugh back. He had to, before Ash climbed up his proverbial snowy mountain and stayed there.
"We need to talk," Ash's voice rang out in the dark. Eiji had been lying on his side, wondering if it looked like he was asleep, as Ash worked his way through a bowl of soup. It was easier without anybody watching, he said.
"Yeah," Eiji dragged out the word, not moving. He had sensed this. There had been something in the air for the last couple of days. Something rippling under the surface that he didn't want to expose. "I guess we do."
"You ran off." Ash's voice was quiet. "You drew their fire."
"Of all the things, you want to talk about that?"
"You could have been shot," Ash still sounded calm. The kind of calm that unnerved Eiji. "Again, might I add-"
"You could have too!" Eiji sat up then, staring at Ash's silhouette in the dark.
"That's different."
"Because you're superhuman?"
"Because I don't matter," Ash's voice was numb and he was still unmoving. It made Eiji's insides feel cold and he was slipping out of his bed before he could stop himself, the wooden floor cold underneath his feet.
"You matter to me!" the words seemed to echo in the small, dark room. "Can't you see that? What would I do if you got shot and killed?"
He could feel Ash's penetrating stare on him in the darkness and a part of him was almost surprised his eyes didn't glow in the dark, like a cat's. The silence dragged on and Eiji's words seemed to ring in his ears. They didn't seem to be enough – didn't seem to sum up everything he felt.
"You'd go back to Japan and be safe," Ash said slowly. "You'd live a safe, happy life and I would be a story for you to tell your grandchildren."
"Grandchildren?" despite his pounding heart, Eiji found himself pausing. He stood at the foot of Ash's bed, staring at his shape.
"Of course - You'd move on and find a wife within a couple of years," he could see Ash leaning backwards on his arms – practically see his teeth glinting in the darkness.
"Me? A wife?" Eiji's lips curled upwards. He sat down, because he didn't think his legs would support him anymore. "Calm down there, Jack Twist. I'd live by myself in a caravan."
"I wouldn't want that for you," his voice was even smaller this time.
"Then don't die on me," he shifted, so that he was sitting cross legged on the bed, facing Ash. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm going to stay at your side?"
"At least once more?"
"I'm not going anywhere, Ash," Eiji's voice didn't even shake this time. He whispered those extra three words in the dark, because even in this gloom, Ash wouldn't be able to see his face.
"Shit," he heard Ash's whisper and the bed bobbed up and down as he moved clumsily. "Come here-"
Ash's hands found Eiji's shoulders, pulling him towards him so that his face was buried in Ash's chest. He still didn't smell quite like Ash used to. He smelt of those rooms and suddenly Shorter was dying right in front of Eiji again. He wrapped his arms around Ash's neck as tightly as they would go, closing his eyes as though it would make the memories disappear.
He felt Ash's fingers run over his back and bury themselves in his hair. Searching. It felt like he was searching for something.
Eiji took a breath, trying to ease the hot ball of pain that had found its way into his throat, then he stopped clinging to Ash like a life-raft. His hands took Ash's in his own, guiding them to hold his face. That was it, Ash's fingers spread over his cheeks as though his hands were a butterfly, his thumbs twitching slightly.
"I'm here," Eiji whispered. "I'm right here."
"I thought I wouldn't see you again," Ash whispered. "When you ran off – I swear I could see the bullets ripping through you."
"No one hurt me, Ash," Eiji swallowed. "I had to be the one to draw their fire. I couldn't let you do it. You weren't-"
"Myself?" Ash let the word hang between them. He pressed his forehead against Eiji's and Eiji closed his eyes. Then it could be just the two of them and nothing else. "Does it bother you? To see me like this?"
"Bother isn't the right word," Eiji sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. He tangled his hand in the hair at the nape of Ash's neck. It had gotten longer. "It – I'm worried about you. You were sick and I want you to get better."
"I will get better," Ash was holding Eiji as though he was the last thing in the world. "Now that I have you, I'll get better." He kissed the corner of Eiji's mouth, almost like he was scared about what he would find there. "Shit, your mouth is soft."
He kissed Eiji again and something inside his chest released. A little ball of tension just disappeared and he had missed kissing Ash. He had missed kissing Ash so much. He savoured the taste of his lips.
"You never used to do that," Eiji murmured.
"What?" Ash's lips moved lazily over Eiji's. He could still make him melt so easily.
"Cuss."
"I didn't – not in front of you," Ash's hands traced through Eiji's hair. "Things have changed."
"I've changed, you mean," Eiji whispered.
"Not really," Ash's mouth moved to Eiji's jaw, his breath warm. "You're still – you."
"And you're still you," Eiji shuffled on the bed, so that he was sat in Ash's lap, pressing their cheeks together. He planted a kiss against Ash's cheek – it was starting to feel rough. He didn't have Eiji's baby face, and Eiji smiled at the thought of Ash with stubble. Yeah, then he would be an action hero. The thought made him brave – brave enough to press his mouth against the corner of Ash's jaw, just below his earlobe. That was when he noticed.
"No earring," he murmured.
"What?"
"Last time – you came back with an earring."
"You noticed, huh?" Ash sounded disinterested, his mouth trailing down Eiji's jaw. His tongue peeked out just enough to send a ripple through Eiji's stomach. "Did you like it?"
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"It reminded me of the tag they put on sheep."
Ash laughed, a breathless chuckle against the sensitive skin on Eiji's neck, his hands were on his lower back and he pulled him closer. "Charming."
"Now, if you'd gone and gotten it done yourself – that would be a different story," he leant into Ash, tilting his head upwards to give him better access.
"Oh yeah?"
"It'd be hot," Eiji was feeling hot. Ash holding him like this made him feel incredibly warm, even though it was always freezing in the apartment now.
"I'm not hot enough for you now?"
"Mmm," Eiji made a non-committal noise and he felt Ash smile against his neck. He wished he could see him. He couldn't wait for it to start getting light, because he never got bored of looking at him.
"Do you really not think I'm attractive?" Ash pulled away slightly, as though he would be able to see Eiji in the dark. Someone like Yut Lung would probably say that he could – there was that whole extended cat metaphor. It was complete nonsense to Eiji.
"Ash – Ash you're gorgeous-" Eiji tried to cup Ash's face, but he only seemed to be able to find hair in the dark. "I didn't think you wanted to hear it."
"Maybe from you," Ash turned his head, catching Eiji's hand and running his mouth over his palm.
"You're gorgeous, okay?" Eiji whispered. "You're – you look like a painting or something. But that's not why I like you Ash - I love the way you light up when you laugh. I love hearing your laugh. And the way your eyes light up when you smile. God, Ash, I the way you sound when you call me 'sweetie' – I don't think I'll ever get bored of that."
"Sweetie," Ash spoke into Eiji's hand as though it was a secret password. It worked – Eiji melted into him, his forehead bumping against Ash's. "God, I missed you so much."
"I missed you too," Eiji wound himself tighter around Ash. "So much."
Ash was falling backward and he was taking an entangled Eiji with him. He turned as he hit the bed, so that they were lying next to each other. Eiji wasn't sure if Ash would even be able to hold his weight now. But he liked lying there, encircled by his warmth in the dark.
"Shit, Eiji, when you were standing there – with Blanca, I-" he could hear Ash swallow and pressed the tips of his fingers to the other boy's mouth.
"I knew it would work out okay," Eiji whispered. "You were there and you were you and I knew it would all be fine. And it is. It is fine, Ash. Stop thinking about what could have happened – it didn't, so it's all-"
"Sweetheart," Ash pulled Eiji closer to him – so close that he could barely breathe. "I get it. I'll stop, okay?"
Eiji nodded, tucking himself against Ash. He felt him breathlessly chuckle against the top of his head. He couldn't tell where he ended and Ash began.
He couldn't get that image of Ash in that wheelchair out of his mind. That was when he hadn't looked like Ash. With his hair tamed back and that dead look in his eyes. He looked like a strange. A very sad stranger.
But then he had heard Eiji. Eiji had only said one word – he had only said 'freeze' – but Ash's eyes had suddenly lit up. The stranger slipped back into Ash Lynx.
At the museum, he was back to himself. When he stood there with a gun against Yut Lung, that had been Ash Lynx. There was green fire in his eyes. Greek fire was green, Eiji remembered. That was where Ash looked complete, with a gun in his hands.
At least, he used to. But – before he had disappeared, that had started to change. He had started to look comfortable when he was looking at Eiji. Like when a cat squinted its eyes with affection. It was like he looked at Eiji and he was home.
Or maybe Eiji just looked at Ash and felt like he was at home. Here, lying beside him, he felt comfortable. Wonderfully comfortable.
He closed his eyes, burying himself against Ash's chest. Ash's arms tightened around him and he sighed. He hadn't realised the pressure that had been building up in him this last month. Now it was all washing off of him.
Ash's thumbs were rubbing circles against his back, like he couldn't sit still. Eiji suspected that he wasn't able to sleep. He was probably scared that Eiji would disappear if he closed his eyes.
That wouldn't happen, Eiji promised himself. It would never happen again.
Each morning was the same. Each morning he lay in the dark, morning light and was sure that he had dreamt it all. The rescue had been a dream and Eiji wasn't real.
But each morning he cracked open his eyes and saw the same peeling wallpaper and chipped wooden floors. Each morning every part of him sung with the relief of it all. He was home. He was with Eiji.
He hadn't wanted to fall asleep – he never did now. He had spent too much time sleeping lately, because sleeping had been the only way to escape. It was an old relief, one that he thought he didn't need anymore. He had been safe, he hadn't needed to retreat into that since he had left. What he had really wanted was to stay up with Eiji.
Eiji was half awake now, his eyelashes fluttering. He could see a crescent moon of dark brown.
It wasn't quite light outside yet. It made Eiji's skin look darker and his hair seem almost purple. It was shiny and Ash ran his fingers through it. It felt like silk.
Eiji's mouth twitched upwards. His eyes were on his hands, still clutching Ash's shirt. They really hadn't moved all night. They had just passed out. He was sure that wasn't normal – that it probably had a lot to say about his mental state. He didn't care to hear it.
"Ash?" Eiji murmured. He was still half asleep – when he was half asleep he said Ash's name in Japanese. He said 'Ashu.' It made his heart jump. He couldn't remember anyone else making his heart leap in quite the same way.
"Mm?" he waited, his fingers still weaving their way through Eiji's hair. "What?" Eiji still wasn't looking at him. He was playing with handfuls of Ash's t-shirt. "What is it, Eiji?"
Eiji paused for a moment more. "I don't know how to ask."
"Spit it out," Ash said.
"I want to-" Eiji stopped, sighed. He bit his lip. "Can we-"
"What?"
"Why haven't we had sex yet?" Eiji's voice was tiny. Ash wondered for a moment if he had even spoken or if it had been his own conscious niggling at him.
He didn't want to leave it sitting in the air, but he took a moment to gather himself. "What?"
"I guess - I know and it's a stupid question, because – obviously…" Eiji trailed off. "But-"
"How long have you been thinking about it?" Ash spoke carefully, as though he was walking across a bog and one wrong step would leave him waist deep in mud.
Eiji shrugged. He had ducked his head so far into his chest that he could only see the top of his head.
"Do you want to?" Ash pressed, but it felt like there was a weight on his chest. His intestines felt as though they'd turned into a pit of snakes.
The silence dragged out again. Eiji leant closer to Ash, as though he was admitting a horrible secret. "A little."
"Just a little?" It was mean, Ash knew, to press him like this, but a small part of him had to know. No, a large part of him. He had to know.
He shrugged again, looking too small for someone a year older than him. "A fair bit."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't know - I'm not some - some virgin-"
"Are you a virgin?" Ash had to know. He didn't know why – he hated it – but he had to know.
"Well, yeah," Eiji huffed. This probably wasn't going how he wanted it to. "But that's not - you treat me like this fragile little thing that's going to break. I'm not, Ash."
He sounded so certain. And yet there was a scar on his shoulder because of Ash. He had caught a fever because of Ash. He had been so close to breaking already.
Of course he was fragile.
Maybe fragile wasn't the right word. He was different to Ash – he hadn't been through what he had. Just in the last few months, Ash felt like he'd been through more. He felt like he'd been through more that would break Eiji-
But Eiji had been the one pointing the gun at the party. He had been the one in the underground running off with all the confidence Ash had. Used to have. Would have again.
They had wanted to take Eiji. Way back, at the beginning of Summer, they had wanted to make Eiji into him. Maybe that was when it had started, this fear.
That was when it was started, Ash told himself. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, that was the root of the problem.
"I don't want to - corrupt you, or something," he managed to get out, because there was just too much going on in his head.
It surprised him so much that he pulled away when Eiji started laughing. Giggling really, a hand pressed to his mouth to stifle it. He looked up at Ash, his eyes creased and his smile escaping from his hand like he couldn't hold it all in. He looked like the picture of innocence.
"Sorry - sorry, it's just - geez, Ash - that's such a load of nonsense."
"It's not bullshit," Ash snapped. His arms were still loosely draped around Eiji, hanging numbly in the space between them. "I'm all - well, dirty, and you're-"
"You realise your life isn't a novel, right?" Eiji said. The smile faded from his face, and he pressed a hand to Ash's cheek. His hands were cold. He was cold, Ash knew, and he should start paying for the heating. "You're not corrupted, Ash. You're not going to drag me down and sully my innocence – crap, even just saying it, that sounds so gross - life isn't like that. You're not some English, Victorian woman who's had sex before marriage and I'm not some – some perfect little Jane Eyre. You're you."
"Drag you down?" Ash felt lie the words were hitting him five seconds after Eiji had said them. There was too much to process – to much to unpack – and he couldn't deal with that. It went so against everything that had been building up in the past couple of months. He didn't know how to process that.
Eiji's voice was still quiet. A different kind of quiet – gentle. "I don't want to be your Daisy, Ash. I'm not an ideal."
"You're not an ideal," he repeated, numbly.
"I'm just Eiji."
"Eiji," Ash trailed off. He could say that name forever. He loved the way it came from his mouth. He loved saying it and seeing Eiji turn around. He was more than just Eiji. He was the boy he was in love with and Ash was starting to believe that you couldn't be in love with someone and have 'just' before their name. Eiji was Eiji.
A thought occurred to him. A thought that made his insides squirm, like slugs away from salt. "You're saying you want to do it now?"
"Isn't the mood kind of ruined?" There was a small smile on the Japanese boy's face.
Ash laughed, then. It sounded too harsh when there were pigeons cooing outside the window.
"Are you – in the mood?" he asked.
"Are you?" Eiji replied. He stared at Ash. He was holding his breath like he was scared of the answer. "Ash?"
"I don't know if I'm ever in the mood, sweetie." Ash's voice was tired. He hated that. It wasn't what Eiji wanted to hear. To make up for it, he shifted, so that he was over Eiji, his knees pressing against Eiji's hips and his hands either side of his head. "I can bring it back for you, though."
He hooked a finger under Eiji's chin, feeling a smirk on his face when those starry eyes met his. He watched Eiji – with more intensity than he thought he'd ever watched anyone – as he slipped a hand under Eiji's shirt. His breath caught and he looked like a deer in the headlights, shivering when the tips of Ash's fingers ran up his side.
The look on his face. He was scared. He was seeing something on Ash's face that scared him. The thought made Ash pause. In that moment, Eiji's hand was on his wrist, stopping him, tugging his shirt back into place.
"No, Ash, not like that," Eiji whispered. "I want you to be you."
"This is me." Ash said.
"No, sweetie. No, it's not." Eiji's fingers trailed down Ash's chest and his eyes followed the movement. He gave Ash a light push – Ash knew it was meant to be light, but he still wavered. "Let's just – let's just leave it for now."
"No," Ash said, automatically. He managed to stay where he was. "If you want to – if you want to have-" he swallowed. He couldn't believe that he couldn't say the word. "We can. We will. Just give me a moment-"
"Don't force yourself," Eiji frowned. He pushed at Ash's chest again. His eyes were so soft – so understanding. "It's okay – really – Ash, it's fine."
"I want to," Ash insisted. Ash lied. "If you want to."
"It's fine." Eiji pushed again and Ash finally gave way. He sat up on the bed, running his hands through his hair.
He pulled his hair back so tightly that it hurt. He thought it would be fine – with Eiji, everything would be fine. Like it was in Summer. But he was getting that sick feeling again. He hated it – he hated how it couldn't be normal for him. He was broken and he didn't know if even Eiji was able to fix him this time.
"Do you – do you want to talk?" Eiji's voice sounded fair away.
Ash shook his head. It made the room spin.
"I don't feel good."
"I'm sorry – it's my-"
"Stop apologising."
"I shouldn't have said anything."
"I shouldn't be being such a baby about it."
"You're not. Don't be silly." Eiji had sat up too, still tangled in the duvet. His hand was hovering near Ash. "Are you okay to be touched?"
"I don't know," Ash whispered. "I don't know, I don't know."
Eiji didn't reply, but Ash couldn't hear his breath. He could feel the rickety mattress shaking underneath him.
He forced himself to breathe – keep breathing, because now he had a reason to – and look at Eiji. He had a hand over his mouth, trying to stifle any sound. His eyes were damp, unshed tears sparkling in the not quite morning light. And that was because of Ash. Guilt went through him like a spear because of that.
"I'm sorry," he said. He opened his arms. "Come here, sweetie."
Eiji half-fell against him, like a child. He buried his head into Ash's neck, his body limp as he folded into him, clutching handfuls of his t-shirt. Ash stroked Eiji's hair down – it was sticking up like a bird's nest. He loved Eiji's hair. He loved Eiji. Why couldn't he be there for him? Why couldn't he do this one little thing?
He closed his eyes. Eiji was here and it was okay. He was far away from all of that now. He could relax.
"Did I scare you?" he whispered.
Eiji pulled away enough to see him, wiggling to put a hand on Ash's face. His thumb traced over Ash's cheekbone.
"Never ever," he said. "You could never scare me, Ash."
His mouth twitched.
"I'll rephrase – did I worry you?"
"No more than usual," Eiji said. His lashes flickered as he glanced down to Ash's mouth. He could read his mind – sense the hesitation.
He kissed him. Quickly and chastely. Eiji still had his eyes closed when he pulled away, his eyelashes casting shadows down his cheeks. Ash ran his thumb under those shadows, revelling in the feeling of Eiji's skin.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"No," Eiji's eyes were still closed and he leant into Ash's touch. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I started it and I should have known – I should have thought about you."
"If you – Eiji, if you really want to go for it-"
"This is good enough."
He smiled at Ash with eyes full of constellations. A tear finally escaped and Ash wiped it away. He felt like making a wish – like it was some kind of good luck charm. He couldn't think how on earth he was so lucky. But he was.
He was so so lucky to have Eiji.
And one day he would repay him for that.
(A/N): I think there's only going to be two more chapters - maybe three at a push. I'm also giving these boys a happy ending because I understand the manga ending the way it did (you know, like how Brokeback Mountain ends the way it does because time period and yeah there couldn't be a happy ending for Jack and Ennis), but in 2019? The anime ending was lowkey problematic. (Kill your gays, anyone?) And I feel like this chapter starts discussing what I personally found wrong with it. I mean, maybe it's just because I read and study a lot of eighteenth/nineteenth century literature but - it so much reminds me of the fallen woman trope and just how gross that it. And of course - this is based on a Japanese manga written by a Japanese woman and probably has nothing at all to do with that but - the feeling that Ash had to die just really doesn't sit well with me.
But yeah, that rant was just to say that these two are getting a happy ending.
I want to say that I'll be able to update on Wednesday, but I just started a new job and I'm dying so - we'll see how it goes.
Thanks so much for all of the comments and if you want me to do really in depth with probably meaningless analysis then feel free to message me! I could talk about this series and these boys for DAYS. xx