12

"Hey." Ash leant against the wall, his hands in his pockets as though this was a casual thing. As though he hadn't spent the last ten minutes talking to Cain but glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. This was spontaneous – a 'oh, hey, whilst you're here,' thing.

Because he had to say something. It was his fault that they had dragged her down here. That her life was in danger.

Jessica glanced up at him. God, she looked tired. She looked drained. It was the look of someone who had been very afraid for days but was trying to hold it together – now she was being torn apart from the inside. Ash had grown out of that a long time ago. Now that was second nature.

She wasn't sat on one of the saggy, stained sofas they had pilfered from back alleys. She was perched on top of a wooden crate instead. Ash suspected Cain had stolen it, and that it was full of firearms. When had the thought of a gun fight started twisting his stomach? Was that what it was like for everyone? Before now, he hadn't felt anything at the prospect of a shoot-out.

Then again, before now, he had nothing to lose.

He blinked, pulling himself back to the hideout. It was loud – it was always loud just before action was about to happen. Nerves leapt in the air and were infectious. Everyone was trying to hide it – to be just a little jollier to compensate for the gnawing in their stomach. If it was going to be their last day, they'd have to make it a good one.

If it was going to be his last day, he had to say it. Like a confessional.

"Max," he said. Then realised that he had to expand on it. "He's – he's a good man. He's a good…"

Jessica's eyebrows were raised. She waited patiently for him, then filled in the word when it died on his tongue. "Dad?"

"Mm," Ash nodded. He couldn't remember the last time he had said that word in earnest.

"How would you know?" Jessica's tone wasn't cold – but it was certainly impassive. She had a point, whether she knew it or not – what would Ash knew? What kind of father figures had he grown up with? Well, he supposed Blanca could have been worse. And Max was better than him.

But Jessica was probably talking about something else. She was probably talking about the fact that Ash had no idea what Max had actually been like as a father. He had no idea, really, why Max and Jessica's relationship had fallen apart. At least he knew what Max was like now.

"He's been pretending to be my father for months now," he explained, and have a wry smile. "Good old dad." Jessica didn't return the smile. He ran a hand through his hair instead. This was weird – a woman shouldn't make him this nervous. "Look – he – he did me a solid, okay? A lot of solids actually. He's been – really…"

"You don't have to tell me he's a good man." Jessica finally took her steely gaze off of him, resting her chin on her hands. Her eyes were on the others. For once, no one was arguing. They were leaning back on the sofas, laughing about something. Someone had gotten a pack of cards out.

"But I do." Ash tore his gaze away from the group. Suddenly he was angry – angry with her for not seeing it – angry with her for not listening to him – or deliberately trying to misunderstand him. "You have to know – he – he was ready to give up everything for me. For me to do something stupid, actually – something really stupid to save Eiji. And he gave up all his research for that."

Jessica was silent for a moment. Her lips quirked upwards. "You really like him, don't you?"

"Max?" Ash ran his hand through his hair again. "Yeah, but don't tell him, okay?"

"I'm not talking about Max."

Ash flicked his gaze over to the guys again – following her gaze. Eiji was laughing about something Soo-Ling said. He felt a flicker of something in his gut – not the usual warmth he felt when he looked at Eiji. It wasn't a feeling he liked. It wasn't a feeling he thought he'd ever develop. Jealousy.

He pushed it away, wondering instead if he was so easy to read. If he was, no wonder everyone kept targeting Eiji. He had basically put glowing signs around him that cried out 'I'm Ash's weak point!'

"He deserves another chance," he said instead. He wasn't here to talk about Eiji.

"Young man, I don't think it's any of your business."

He was tempted to laugh. 'Young man.' No one called him that. Instead, he shrugged "Everything is everyone's business around here."

It came with the territory, he wanted to add. When you lived on the streets like this, you relied on each other with a different kind of bond. Because they weren't adults – they only vaguely knew how to do adult stuff, so they had to take it in turns to take care of each other. Because half the time the other boys would fall asleep in a pile like meerkats because that helped them sleep. Because the blood of the convent is thicker than the water of the womb so of course everyone knew everything. Almost like instinct.

It had enticed Ash. That bond. He had wanted that bond. But there was always a distance because he was a leader and didn't share much and there was no way he was about to sleep like a meerkat. Well, he couldn't. The thought of it made him sweaty and itchy and vaguely sick – all those bodies, so close to each other.

Eiji he could deal with, because Eiji was Eiji. Because he kept his distance until he knew it was okay – until Ash told him it was okay.

"Including your business?" Jessica asked. Under the wry indifference, she had such a careful tone. Like she was scared she would say or do the wrong thing and make him snarl and run away.

Ash paused, letting his converses slip on the floor until he could plop himself onto the floor beside her. "Including mine."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you-"

"Max has been telling tales on me?" he asked, trying to smirk. Trying to keep it all light, because if it wasn't, then he would break. He felt like glass being blown – he was barrelling towards shattering and he couldn't afford that. He couldn't afford to break down right now, and certainly not in front of her.

"-He mentioned a few things." Jessica was tugging on a stray thread in her jeans. He wondered what this must be like for her – leaving such a idealistic life to come and squat with a bunch of teenagers. Teenagers who lived on the street and thought gang wars were normal. "I think – it wasn't so much to do with you, but I think he needed to tell someone. To let it all out."

Well, didn't that just make him feel so much worse. He really was a burden to everyone. Ash didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead, he just pulled his knees to his chest, watching Eiji instead. Eiji, chatting to Cain Blood like his reputation didn't matter, smiling and laughing and winning everyone's hearts.

"Of course," Jessica was still talking. Why was she still talking? Ash had half a mind to stalk off. "It was probably in case this is all a suicide mission." Ash stayed silent. Once again, she had hit the nail on the head – the reason everyone was so fidgety about the details. "No matter what, he wants your story to be told. For people to come to justice for it."

Court justice seemed like a load of bullshit, Ash wanted to say. Court justice wasn't about to change anything – not with Golzine's money and influence. Men like that didn't stay in the system long.

And Ash had met the same kind in his brief jail stint. It was just as bad as on the outside.

Justice for men like that, it only came in the form of a bullet through their skull. There was only one way to deal with a mad dog.

But he didn't say any of it. He didn't think Jessica wanted to hear that. Her eyes would soften and she'd put her head to the side and tell him 'oh no, honey.' She would pity that he believed that. Not for one instant would she think that he was right – he would just be the broken boy with such a horrible world view.

He wondered if Eiji would understand. He thought he would. He would probably still get that sad look on his face, but it would be distant and withdrawn. He would probably suck in a long breath through his teeth and say 'the world's pretty awful, right?'

"This is all hard, isn't it?" she was still talking. Ash figured that she was the one who had to unload now. "When people you love are involved?"

He had an answer for that one – an answer she'd want to hear, anyway.

"Yeah. Yeah it is."

And suddenly there was a drop in his stomach. Eiji wasn't in the crowd. He had disappeared from sight. The realisation made his stomach tighten and he couldn't breathe. Where was he? Surely he knew better than to wander off alone.

The next moment he had found him – mainly because suddenly he couldn't breathe because he was being pulled upwards and – and there was Eiji. Eiji carrying him like a bride and smiling that perfect smile.

It dropped quickly when he saw Ash's expression.

"I'm so sorry – did I scare you?"

Ash took a moment – he needed a moment for his heart to unclench. He felt weightless, being held like this, but in a good way. Like Eiji could protect him from anything. It was a fantasy he would love to indulge in.

So he wrapped his arms around Eiji and smiled. A genuine smile, tipping his head down and looking up at Eiji in a way he knew made him flustered.

"You could never scare me."

Eiji laughed then – and there was that blush because he couldn't meet Ash's eyes. He was aware that Jessica had moved over, enough to give them room, but she was still watching. He glanced at her expression – amusement. Well, that was a lot better than pity.

"I was just trying to sweep you off your feet," Eiji said, slightly apologetically. "I told you I could do it."

"Yeah, yeah, you're very strong." He wanted to knock his forehead against Eiji's, but he was sure everyone else was watching. He wasn't sure why that made his skin crawl – they weren't a judgemental group. But this seemed private and – just something that he didn't want anyone else to see. "Now put me down."

"Hmmm…" Eiji looked up in mock thought, hitching Ash back up in his arms. Warm arms, despite the chill in the air. "Now I think that requires something special."

"Someone's getting bold," Ash said, because the quickest way to get Eiji flustered was to show him affection in a room full of people.

But Eiji shrugged and smiled – all pink cheeks and sparkly eyes. A prince from a fairy tale.

Did Ash deserve a fairy Godmother? He wasn't sure. He knew this was the nerves in the air and Eiji pretending that everything was fine. Overcompensating because he was scared. The nerves making him bolder.

Well fine. Ash put a hand to Eiji's face and kissed his cheek. He let the tips of his fingers run down the side of Eiji's face as he felt himself lowered to the ground. Then he was standing back in front of Eiji. And his hand was still on Eiji's shoulder and Eiji's hands were on his waist and maybe if this was a high school prom they would be slow dancing. Homecoming King and Queen with everyone watching.

He wasn't sure if anyone was watching. Eiji took up the whole world, with eyes that said 'please don't die.' Eyes that said 'I love you,' even if neither of them had managed to say it out loud yet.

'I love you, please don't die,' Eiji's gaze said.

He always had a way of convincing Ash.

He had had no intention of talking to Blanca when he swung into the car, slamming the door shut with more force than was needed to. He shrugged out of the doctor's coat, throwing it onto the back without even looking.

Ash's heart was still hammering in his chest and he felt feverish. He could still see Eiji's face – even with his eyes open. Eiji telling – yelling at him to go. Before he got caught. Because even though he had been shot, he just wanted to make sure that Ash was okay. All that mattered to him was that Ash was safe.

Well, he wasn't going to be. If he had got caught at the hospital, he wouldn't be driving into a trap. He knew it would be a trap and one that he probably wasn't going to walk away from.

If he was caught, he would have been held up. He didn't know how the rescue mission would go without him, but he figured he'd still be alive by tomorrow morning. If they could untangle him from the legal mess surrounding him – would he be getting on that plane with Eiji?

Because Eiji was going.

And Ash was just meant to let him? That is, if he didn't crash and burn.

He had every intention of crashing and burning.

It was then that he realised that they hadn't even started driving. Ash pulled his hand from his hair, glancing across at Blanca. His eyes were on Ash. Concerned eyes. That twisted his stomach.

"How did it go?" he asked. Calmly. Calm and concerned. Ash hated that.

"Can you just drive, please?" Ash said and, immediately when Blanca opened his mouth added, "Don't. I'm paying you to drive."

Blanca held up his hands for a moment, but did start the car, turning them out of the road. He was driving, but he was still talking.

"So, not good?"

Ash hated him. But he swallowed and kept talking. Who knew how much longer he had left? Better let someone know what was going through his mind. At least, if Blanca pulled through, he would be able to pass the message onto Eiji.

"I wanted to tell him what you said. That he wasn't my salvation. I wanted to hear what he'd say to that," he said. He kept his eyes on the road in front of them. New York streets were never quiet, but they weren't gridlocked at this time of night.

"What do you think he'd say?"

"That it was bullshit." And Ash found himself smiling. He couldn't think of Eiji and not smile. "He wouldn't use that word. He'd say nonsense, or something. He once told me that my life wasn't a novel. That stuff like that was – bullshit." He knew Blanca was glancing at him, his eyebrows knitting together. He knew he was about to follow up from their last talk – the one where Ash had shot several bullets in his direction. "It doesn't – it doesn't change anything. I'm still – you were right, this is still my fault. I have to let him go. But it's not about him being my saviour or anything like that. It's just to protect him." He sighed, fiddling with the door lock and meeting his own reflections eyes. They looked so determined, those eyes. When would they ever show the reams and reams of uncertainty underneath. "Either I let both of us crash and burn, or I never see him again but know he's safe."

Blanca let the words hang in the air for a moment. Ash had thought he was concentrating more on driving. "Is that meant to be a riddle?"

"Mm." He shrugged. He didn't care. He'd gone part caring about anything Blanca said.

"These violent delights have violent ends."

"This isn't like that." Ash said, quickly. He was all too ready to point out that he wasn't Romeo – there was no way on hell that he'd ever be Romeo. He was clearly Mercutio – and he was the one who got pulled backstage by Benvolio.

"No," Blanca saved him the trouble. He turned, taking it so hard that Ash had to hold onto his seat. His voice was still that excruciating calm. "You know, Eiji would be extremely angry if you died tonight."

"You can see right through me, huh?" Ash asked.

"All I'm saying is that he wouldn't forgive you if you just gave up."

He let that hang in the air, looking far too smug for Ash's liking. He hated that – he hated him. That he had him so easily figured out and could so easily doubt his own resolve. Eiji had been exactly the one thing he hadn't been thinking about when he had made it.

Because Eiji was the one thing that could break that resolve. He always had been.

"Don't," Ash sighed. "Don't tell the others, okay?"

"As if I would."

"They don't need to be worrying about me. They have a mission and they have to do it. You have to help them."

"And what about you? What do you need to do?"

The answer was simple.

"End this."

The silence dragged on. Ash's eyesight blurred, turning the streetlights into glowing orbs in front of him. He took a breath, resting his forehead on the windowsill. He wasn't nervous – he was agitated. Restless. He wanted to get this over and done with.

"Thank you," he said. Because he supposed he had to. "For teaching me - I never would have survived otherwise."

"I didn't teach you for you to run off and run a street gang." Blanca still wasn't looking at him. His eyes were on the road and his face was as unreadable as ever.

"That's not what I mean. I would have given up."

He didn't mean for the silence to be so uncomfortable after that. It was just the truth.

"Don't start being nice to me because you think you're going to die tonight," Blanca said eventually.

"I'm not." Ash said, automatically. He was only a little surprised to find he meant it.

"To which?"

"Both."

He received a small smile at that.

"That's what I like to hear."

Ash rolled his eyes, because it was a lot easier to pretend that he didn't care. It was easier to stay silent for the rest of the journey instead of opening his mouth and getting involved in a horrible, deep conversation again. It was easier to keep his mind counting the streetlights to stop them from wondering back to a Japanese boy in a hospital gown stumbling down the corridor after him. A boy hurt because of him.

A boy who had changed Ash's mind about living or dying.

"Excuse me, miss."

Ash heard the voice distantly. That bothered him. Was that really the last thing he was going to hear? How horrifically mundane.

"That's my son."

How nice – for that kid to have a father looking for him. That bothered him too – was the last thing he was really going to feel jealousy? He had been so content – he had been the happiest he had ever been and that seemed like the best way to die.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

Someone was pulling him away from the desk. He wanted to say – "no – stop!" To grab out at Eiji's letters –

Eiji-

He loved Eiji. He loved Eiji so much.

There were hands on him but everything seemed distorted. He could only hear and see a jumble of sounds and colours.

"Just let me go."

He didn't even know if he said it or not.

Ash wondered why heaven started with a hospital room. Maybe God healed all wounds before he let him through the pearly gates.

That didn't make sense – not the hospital part, the fact that Ash was in heaven. Going to heaven. Allowed anywhere near the proximity of heaven.

Maybe Blanca had lied. Maybe Eiji really had been his saviour.

Then the pain kicked in again and he sucked in his breath. For a moment, he was back on the street and the knife was still inside him. He swore he could feel it there now.

"Here-" someone was saying and someone was pushing something into his hand. "You're allowed to press this every fifteen minutes. It'll give you some morphin."

Ash frowned, trying to breathe – trying to think. This didn't make sense. Surely there wasn't pain in heaven. Surely there wasn't morphin in heaven.

"What?" he managed to get the word out, because the drugs were kicking in and the pain was starting to subside a little.

"One press of that. Every fifteen minutes. That's all," the person said, and they sounded strangely familiar. Ash closed his eyes and tried to place it. Tried to focus on breathing. He could feel the bed under him now – could feel needles in his arm. There was tape on his face.

"But," he struggled to get everything in order. "We saved you, didn't we?"

"You did save me, Ash."

Ash. Ash Lynx. That was him. And that voice. That was Max.

"So why are you here?" his voice sounded awful. Like he'd been beat up. "You didn't go and get yourself killed after – after I saved you?"

"I didn't get myself killed," that voice was so patient. A hand covered his. A warm hand. "You didn't get yourself killed either."

"But-" Ash was frowning so hard that it hurt too. Then he realised he was breathing – he could feel the air going in and out of his lungs. "I was stabbed."

"You were. Blanca found you – he called an ambulance. Apparently, he resuscitated you too."

Ash opened his eyes. It was such an effort, but the world seemed so much crisper now.

Max was over him. The same old Max with kind, wrinkled eyes and rough hands and a few lingering bruises on his jaw.

"Blanca?" he repeated.

"Yes." Max smiled, sitting back down. Ash followed him with his head. It felt as though he was full of water and that it sloshed around whenever he twitched. "He said you were his son – which made it difficult for me, because I said the exact same thing when I came to see you. They wondered why I was engaged to Jessica if I had a son with him."

Ash's mouth twitched. He wanted to laugh at that, but he didn't have the effort. He barely had the energy to follow the conversation. Instead, he asked "you're engaged to Jessica?"

"Yeah," Max's thumb was rubbing on the back of Ash's hand and his face turned red. "Apparently, some kid told her that I was worth a second chance."

"Sounds like an idiot."

"No, he's not an idiot." He hadn't expected Max's tone to be so soft. He hadn't expected sincerity. Ash Lynx and Max Lobo were not sincere. They were sarcastic and flippant. "He's the smartest, bravest kid I know."

Ash swallowed. There was a lump in his throat and his eyes were prickling. He was sure if he was connected to a machine it would have started beeping faster.

"I didn't hear that?" he said instead, his voice a little more than a whisper.

"I said, he's not an idiot, he's a punk."

Ash managed to give a dry chuckle, then. "That's what I thought." He paused. He was scared to move – to see just what was sticking out of him. "How'd you get around one of my dads being engaged to a woman, then?"

"I said we were going through a divorce," Max shrugged. "We wanted different things in life – he wanted to move to the Caribbean and I was in love with someone else."

"Has Blanca gone back yet?" that was suddenly his concern. He couldn't say why it made fear shoot through him. "He said he was going to the Caribbean. He offered me to come with him."

"No, he hasn't," Max leant forward, his other hand taking Ash's as well. "He said he'd hang around and see if you'd pull through."

Ash blinked. "I was stabbed."

"You were."

"I was stabbed – I was – I was on my way to the airport."

"Blanca found you. He called an ambulance," Max explained again. "You're going to be okay, Ash."

"I was on my way to the airport – I was stabbed. Soo-Ling's brother – he stabbed me."

"He's dead." Max said. "Do you remember that?"

"Mmm," Ash shrugged. He could barely move. It felt like he was made of lead. "I was on my way to the airport. I read the letter – I had to go. I had – the ticket – did you – where's the letter? Where's my ticket?"

"The woman from the library found them. She gave them to Blanca before he took you in the ambulance," Max still had that patient tone. "They're right here. On your bedside table. Do you want to see?"

"They're here?" it felt like Ash's head was wrapped in a sponge. He felt numb all over now – he knew the morphine had really kicked in.

"Here." Max pressed the papers into Ash's hand. He sighed – it felt like his stomach had unknotted itself.

"I missed him, didn't I?" Ash whispered. "He's gone."

"Yeah, he's gone back to Japan." Max said. "That Chinese kid said that you said 'see ya.'"

"I would never say 'see ya,'" Ash said and smiled when Max laughed. It felt like such an effort.

"What would you say?" he said, leaning back in the chair.

"I would tell him I loved him." Ash closed his eyes and could see Eiji's face. Those starry eyes. "That I loved him so much. I didn't get to tell him that. I didn't ever tell him I love him."

"It's okay." He felt Max's hand on his face, wiping tears he couldn't feel dripping down his cheeks, away. "He knows, Ash. He knows how much you love him."

"Blanca said-" Ash made a strange sound. He wasn't sure if it was a cough or a hiccup. "-I should let Eiji go back to Japan. I couldn't protect him - it was – Eiji didn't belong in my world."

"Yeah, well," Max was still calmly wiping away tears. "Blanca's been reading too many nineteenth century novels."

He didn't know if he sobbed or laughed at that.

"He got shot because of me."

"Did you pull the trigger?"

"I pulled the trigger on Shorter."

"You had no choice, kiddo." Max was squeezing his hands. "If you hadn't, he would have been like Griffin. That would have been worse. Don't you think?"

Ash stayed silent. He went back to staring at the ceiling fan. "But Eiji got shoot because of me."

"Eiji got shot because he leapt in front of you, Ash. Because he wanted to save you."

"I'm not worth saving."

"Do you really believe that?"

He could see Eiji again. Beautiful, smiling – glowing Eiji. Eiji crying because of him. Eiji yelling 'you matter to me' in the darkness and leaving Ash's mouth completely dry. Leaving his heart hammering in his chest just because he decided to stay at Ash's side.

So, he shrugged instead. "Eiji doesn't seems to think so."

"I know," Max squeezed his hands again. "He's a lucky kid, to have someone like you."

Ash sighed. Every one of his ribs groaned in protest. "I have to see him again. I have to tell him I love him."

"I know, kiddo. But first you have to stay here. You have to stay here and get better," Max paused. "Are you listening to me, Ash?"

He hadn't, really. It had been stuff that he didn't want to hear. It had been stuff that he'd already heard way too much in the last year.

"I'm bored of hospitals," he sounded like a child, and he hated that.

"I know," Max said. "I know."

"I don't like being here."

"I'm right here with you. I'm going to stay with you."

"I can't ask you to do that. You're getting married." Ash felt tired now. Really tired. He could barely keep his eyes open, but he could barely feel the pain anymore. But he could also barely follow the conversation.

"I'm not getting married today, kid."

Ash tried to nod, but the action only seemed to work in his head.

He wasn't sure if he felt Max kiss his forehead, or if he just imagined it.

(A/N): This is quite possibly the chapter with the least amount of Ash/Eiji in an Ash/Eiji fic ever. But it's also a found family fic and just a fill in the gaps fic at this point so w hoops
I even had a scene with Cain lined up and I had like five lines but then I hadn't written anymore of it and this was already a day late so I just scrapped it and decided to put the first half of the ending in. There was just a lot of interactions that I wanted when I was watching the last few episodes and I felt like it was kind of rushed? Like maybe would have benefited with 26 episodes instead of 25 just to really deepen some things, but whatever.
Because yeah, definitely one more chapter just to wrap things up.
But again, thank you all for all of the comments and discussion and kudos and just generally nice things! I've loved writing this - I've loved the scenes and it's probably one of my favourite things I've written for a long time (sorry, genre fiction portfolio...)
See you all next week! Hopefully on time!