"Tut, tut, child!" said the Duchess. "Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it."
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
It is two o'clock in the morning when Thor walks into the kitchen and sits down. Now this would not be a terribly remarkable thing any other time, but Tony is not alone in the kitchen. Loki is sitting in a chair beside him, sipping tea. Neither of them have admitted why they are awake, but both know that that cause is nightmares. Not that either of them have any intention of acknowledging this fact either.
Tony nods and watches him curiously, but doesn't say anything as he sips at his coffee. Maybe not the best drink to have after a nightmare, but that has never stopped him before. He'd ask why Thor is awake at this time, but frankly he doesn't have the energy.
"Stark, Loki," he nods in greeting from across the table.
Loki doesn't acknowledge him. Doesn't even blink, staring off into the distance. It's clear to any who bother to look that he isn't exactly all here.
"I would have word with you, if I may."
Tony briefly wonders if he should leave, but dismisses the thought almost instantly. For one thing he wasn't asked to. For another thing, he doubts he would even if Thor did. This seems like one of those times that a buffer might be needed, even if it isn't necessarily wanted. Besides his curiosity would kill him if he didn't hear after that opening statement.
Loki waves a hand. "You have never asked before. Why start now?"
Thor grimaces. "I do not believe you will like my line of question."
"Again when has that ever stopped you?" Loki still isn't looking at him, eyes on the kitchen cabinets.
The answer doesn't help Thor's expression in the least. The opposite rather. "Have I truly been that bad of a brother to you?"
"Would you like the truth or the pretty words I am so often accused of using? I would so hate to make you wilt."
"I am no Court Flower to speak to me so. I believe the truth is best here." Thor leans on the table, fingers tapping against the wood.
"It usually is," Loki nods in agreement, "So much the pity that it isn't used more. Tell me do you know why I hold the title God of Lies?" he asks, seemingly going off on another topic.
"I would say yes, but I have the feeling you are going to correct me if I do." Thor braces himself as if he is expecting a blow.
Loki smiles so faintly that Tony thinks he is imagining it. "It is not because I am a liar, although I am one. It is because I am always aware of their presence. The truth tastes differently than a lie to me. Be it uttered by me or by another, it makes no difference. My very nature reveals them to me. My nature," he repeats thoughtfully.
"Then again," he hums, "maybe it is because my very nature is a lie. My sense of self is an illusion to all who look at me. Even myself. For such a liar I seemed to have missed the biggest one of all." His smile grows. "The monster passing among the Aesir. As if I belong. Yes," he nods, "I have been titled even better than I suspected."
It gives a twist in Tony's gut, to hear Loki talk about himself like this. He leans against him once again, head on his shoulder, not speaking, but still supporting.
Thor frowns. "I never knew."
"That is no surprise seeing as I never told anyone. I suspect the Queen knew, but she never said." His grip tightens on his cup as he mentions 'the Queen' but he gives no other reaction. "Besides who knows the truth better than a liar?" There is no joy in his expression. "It would not have made a difference in any case."
Thor is silent for a long moment. "You say monster with such ease," he settles on.
"And you claim me still, knowing what this pale skin hides. Do not bother to pretend you mean it."
If he keeps frowning, permanent lines are going to form."You say that you know lies when you hear them. Do you not hear the truth when I claim you as such?"
"I hear many things when you say such." There is a clear dismissal in his tone. "I hear more than you wish me to. I know well you doubt yourself even as you say it. You may insist all you want that our shared past is all that matters, but in the back of your mind you remember the monster. You remember the stories we were told as children. You remember the fear and the hate we were raised on. You say it, but that does not mean you believe it. A lie is a lie, no matter who it is told to."
"And who am I supposed to be telling it to?" Thor challenges.
Loki huffs. "Why yourself of course. You cannot possibly be saying it for my benefit after all."
Thor growls. "Why must you be so difficult?"
"Why must you be so foolish?" Loki returns, "A lifetime cannot be erased so quickly."
"My point," Thor says quickly as if making sure it does not get away from him, "we were raised together. From the moment I saw you, you were my brother. I never thought anything else. You cannot sit there and tell me that you do not feel the same."
"We were raised together," Loki nods, "but we were not raised equals. You are Asgard's Golden Prince. I am the second, the spare. I should have had equal rights – to the throne, to the people's respect, to your parent's love – but I never did. No," he says, cutting Thor off without even seeing him open his mouth, "even without my true heritage being known, I was forever in your shadow. Mocked and disrespected and ignored.
"You cannot be so oblivious that you did not hear the whispers. The rumors that forever followed me. Ergi, weak, coward, dishonorable – all were things I heard on a daily basis. Tell me you did not know. Tell me you never laughed, never dismissed them as just a joke. Something inconsequential that I should not be so sensitive about."
Thor is silent, wincing at his words. It's clear that he can do nothing but agree, even if he doesn't want to.
Loki nods as if he spoke anyways. "Yes. And do not pretend that we were treated equally either – by anyone. The Court and your friends are obvious. They would never favor me. Never listen to me or follow me. They made that abundantly clear. But your Father was just that – your Father. You were his son. His pride and joy. I was the war prize he decided to take pity on. I can only assume he eventually regretted his act, but by then it was too late to reverse it. He was stuck with me."
"Mother loves you," Thor says, clearly not even going to attempt to reason about the AllDaddy Tony thinks with an internal snort, "How can you doubt that? It was you she taught her gift to. She made you the powerful mage you are today. It was you she taught to fight. I know where you get your skill of daggers from. She saved your life. You are clearly her favorite. How can you doubt?"
"With perfect ease thank you." Loki's tone is light, but Tony can see how tightly he is clenching his hand under the table. His knuckles are white from the strain. Well at least it isn't the cup. He would break it with that hold. Then again, it would also give more away than he is willing to give.
Tony begins to tap equations out on his thigh. Which you know, may not be the most helpful thing in the world, but he's pretty bad at this whole comfort thing. He never knows what to do. Especially not from tears. Those he actively runs from. Thank Tesla there's no chance of those here. Just thinking about it is enough to make him want to bolt.
Still, Loki's response is something to behold. Ah, the joys of self doubt and self hatred at it's finest. What fun to be had.
How sad that Thor doesn't seem to feel the same way. "Have you lost yourself that much?"
"Lost myself?" Loki raises an eyebrow, "My entire self was a lie. Tell me how should I know who I am? You clearly do not like the answer I keep giving you."
"Being a Frost Giant does not make you a monster."
Loki snorts.
"You were raised Aesir," Thor presses on, "On Asgard, not Jotunheim. That has to mean something. Even if it never felt like you belonged, surely it must mean something." It almost sounds as if Thor is begging right now. Is he really that desperate.
"How interesting that you can see the issue yet dismiss it so easily. Do you think it means so little that you can do so? I am other. I have always been other, even when I had not understood why. You call me to come home, but I do not have one. Not Asgard, certainly not Jotunheim. Home is where you belong. Where your family and acceptance and support is. I have none. I never have."
Thor looks completely shattered at that. As if his entire world has just collapsed in front of him. "Brother," he whispers.
"Let me go Thor," Loki shakes his head, "just let me go." Loki is blank. There is more emotion on a wall, on a rock, then on his face right now.
You love me, but you don't know who I am. The lyrics pop into Tony's head in an instant. It is oddly fitting. Maybe he should have Thor listen to it after all of this is done. It distracts him from the emotion charged plead he just heard. Because Loki's was just as powerful as Thor's, no matter how it was said.
Abruptly Thor stands, chair clattering as it falls to the floor with the force of his movement. He strides over to their side of the table, determination written in his very bones it seems.
Tony braces himself, wondering if this is going to end in a fight. Still he doesn't move from his spot against Loki. He makes sure he isn't blocking him if he needs to move quickly, but he refuses to retreat. Not now. His position is the only way he knows what Loki is feeling. His body is now one line of tension. Not that he was relaxed before, but now it will only take the briefest of movements to set him off. This is potentially... not good.
But Thor continues to surprise, moving the table out of the way so that he can kneel at Loki's feet. "No," he says fiercely, defiantly, "no I will not. I saw you fall once. I saw you let go when our last words had been ones of hate and anger. I will not do so again. If I had any sense at all I would have followed you."
"What?" Loki spits, "So that Thanos could have help us both? What use would you have been then? Or are you so confident, so arrogant, that you think you would not have broken." Not like I did goes unspoken, but not unheard.
"So that I could have protected you," Thor insists.
"I need no one to-"
Thor doesn't let him continue. "I am your big brother. It is my job – one I have been clearly failing at for much longer than I realized. No more. I will not let you fall alone again. Never again do you hear me?" Thor's eyes seem to have their own inner light. As if the lightning in him is reacting to those words. "You are still Loki be you of Asgard or Jotunheim or any other Realm. Even none. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you talk about that which you do not know. Again." Loki matches Thor word for word. Blow for blow. "As always you speak without thought. As if everything is so simple. So black and white. The Mighty Thor declared it so, so thus it must be. Grow up. The universe does not bend to your whim. It never has, no matter what Father told you."
Thor grins, eyes still shining. "And you speak as if you alone are blessed with its knowledge – its inner workings. Have the Norns spoken to you? Have they told you that this is so and nothing can change it? My brother is the God of Mischief and Chaos. He is the Wind of Change. Nothing and no one can stand in his way for long."
"Such pretty words, but where is the strength to back it up?" Loki finally looks at him now for the first time in this conversation, "You have already proven to be fair weathered only. How can I trust your word now?"
"I am the storm. Where is the weakness in that?"
"When it does not know when to stop," Loki answers without pause, "When it destroys what it strives to protect."
"There is much chaos in the storm. Should you not ride on its winds?"
"And when the winds fling me away in disgust?"
Tony feels as if he is watching a tennis match as those two go back and forth. The most intense tennis match he's ever witnessed. When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Which one will survive? Can there be one or will they both explode?
"Where does this conviction come from suddenly? What petty, insignificant thought has you speaking gibberish now?" Loki's glare is a force of nature, "As I recall not long ago you had no faith left to support me. All that remained was suspicion and watchfulness."
"A reminder of what I had forgotten." Thor now turns his gaze onto Tony. His blue eyes spark when they meet. "Seeing another being where I should be. Not a replacement because that would make him less then what he is, but a representation of what I should be."
Tony... well he has no idea what he is supposed to do with that. The hell? Blue screen of death here. He isn't that close to Loki. Is he? Is something happening that he doesn't see? Why do people keep pointing it out? First Banner, now Thor. Where is this coming from? They have to be seeing something that isn't there obviously. Tony doesn't have people like that. Not like they're thinking. He has Pepper and Rhodey and Happy and then everyone else. They don't stay and Tony doesn't force them. Loki... Loki isn't one of them clearly. Why would he be?
His thoughts are obviously taking a bit of a hysterical turn because Thor's eyes remind him – suddenly and consumingly – of toothpaste of all things. The kind made of kids, that have the glitter stuff in it. What's it called? Sparkle joy or something cheesy like that.
"Jealous?" Loki asks. He doesn't sound as if he would mind if he is. Quite the opposite rather. Drama queen.
He ignores that thought that he's calling the kettle black here.
"You would like that, wouldn't you brat?" Thor asks, smirking.
"Yes because I am the one who has to be the center of attention between us." Loki's voice is dry as the desert.
Thor smiles brightly at him. "I do not know what you are referring to," he says innocently. Or what would be innocently if anyone in the room actually believed him.
The change in tone in enough to give Tony whiplash. Emotionally exhausting is what it is. How do they do it? Or maybe this is part of Loki's problem with Thor. He's too exhausting to be around for long. Sounds like a possible hypothesis to him.
The light mood doesn't last for long. "And when you lose interest of this game? Or regain your former spot and there is no challenge to be had? Well you leave again?" Because he obviously knows how to keep a moment going.
Thor scowls at him. "Who says this is a competition?"
"Everything is with you."
"Some things are more important," Thor insists. Or tries to because it is clear that Loki does not believe him.
"If there is then you have yet to find it."
Ouch.
"And in any case this still does not change that fact that you argue the redeemability of a monster," he continues, "That is why they are called such – there is no such thing."
"I do not see a monster before me."
Obviously an useless argument to him. "Then you are blind as well as a fool. Hardly a surprise. You have always missed what is clearly before you."
"Then let my eyes cloud and my tongue stumble. I do not intend to let you go."
"Idiot," Loki visibly pushes the words away although he doesn't move an inch,"Do not speak of what you do not know. You will then drown with me. Suffocate under the blood and the hate. Is that what you want? "
"So be it," Thor says solemnly.
Loki scoffs. "Fickle thing."
"No," Thor denies.
Forget tennis match. This is a never ending circle of words. And words are all fine and well, but actions are the only thing that count in the end. Words can be spoken and broken and thrown away like pennies. It is only actions that will make or break someone. Right now it is clear that Thor – for all his conviction – has been failing to back them up. Until he does there will never be a chance that Loki will believe him.
It is almost as if Thor had read Tony's mind because the next thing he says echoes him. "I will prove it to you then. You say I am fickle but I will not be."
"We shall see," Loki says doubtfully. He nudges Tony with his shoulder.
Tony takes the hint and moves. He sits up with a stretch. The bones in his neck pops as he does. Movies and books make that position sound so easy and natural, but frankly it's pretty uncomfortable.
"Come," he says, standing and completely ignoring Thor, "I wish to science, as you so charmingly put it."
Tony stands, glancing at Thor. He hasn't moved, watching the two of them with his toothpaste eyes. Yeah, still a little hysterical then. That image is going to stick in his head, he just knows it. Then he turns away and grins. "I knew I'd corrupt your vocabulary eventually."
"Whatever makes you happy kitten." He leaves the kitchen without pause, long legs striding away gracefully, but also quickly. Not enough to say he was running away, but it makes his intentions more than clear.
Tony snorts and follows after him. "I hate you."
"Of course you do," he says without an ounce of belief in his voice.
Norse gods. Honestly.
(Just in case anyone is wondering, the song Tony is talking about it Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down.)