CHAPTER SEVEN
I did not see Bella for the rest of the weekend and due to our agreement, I was not allowed to ask Alice or Emmett about her. I wanted to honor the agreement because I hoped that Bella would honor her end. I told Jasper about my latest encounter. I told him everything on Sunday evening after Alice had gone home. I wanted to know what he thought.
"So…you haven't said anything."
Jasper thought carefully over his next words.
"It's a clever arrangement," he replied.
"But…" I waited.
"Are you ever going to tell her the truth?" he asked.
I shook my head, "I don't know. We're just friends after all."
"That's a load of crap and you know it. You may be something but I wouldn't call it friends. I think that secretly you both know there is more chemistry there to allow friendship to be your endgame."
"I have to take things slow with Bella. I don't mind because I want us to build a strong foundation so…"
"…that when she finds out you've been lying to her all along, she will…forgive you more easily because of this strong foundation?" Jasper interrupted me.
I scowled irritated at his tone.
"What do you want me to do? Tell her the truth and then what? She either never talks to me again because I have the very things she hates, or she never sees me the same again because all she can picture is a crown on my head."
"Or you can have faith that she is a better person than you give her credit for."
I started to open my mouth, but Jasper spoke over me.
"Or you can leave her be and realize that there is no future there because you are to return back to Caldonia and she will be left behind."
That hit hard.
He was right. I had promised my parents I would be back at the semester end. Eventually, I would have to go home and then what? Bella and I would have the greatest long-distance relationship ever? I, in my palace and she in her library. Now I understood why Jasper said that he might not come back. He didn't have some great destiny awaiting him. I was envious of Jasper.
I sat down slowly on the chair feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me.
"You're right. I should let her go."
Jasper sat down across from me and replied, "Yes, maybe you should. There's obviously no future there."
"You don't need to keep kicking me. I'm down enough, all right!" I snapped.
Jasper smirked, and I was about two seconds away from punching him in the face.
"Edward, why Bella? Why now? Do you really think that the only reason you are fascinated with her is that she is doesn't know the truth? That having her see this Edward makes Bella more desirable? If that is the case, then you should most definitely tell her who you are and then any appeal she would hold would immediately cease. You can go back to living your life…continuing on your path. Find a girl that is suitable and ready for the amount of responsibility that someone who is to marry you is prepared for. You will have a couple of kids and do a lot of good for our country and at the end of it, all you need to sacrifice is love. Easy peasy."
I huffed. "Easy peasy! You've been around Alice too long. You better watch out; the wicked American is rubbing off on you."
"You can say what you like but you and I both know that your words come from a place of jealousy. For the first time, Edward The Crown Prince of Caldonia is jealous of commoner Jasper Whitlock."
"Yeah, your damn right I'm jealous!" I barked.
"Why? What could I possibly have that you couldn't," Jasper countered.
"You get to have Alice. You get to stay here and be whomever you want to be!"
"And you can't?" he asked. "It's a life of choices. You can do whatever you want. You are not a prisoner…"
"I might as well be," I said softly.
Jasper let my words hang in the air for a moment before replying.
"It's funny how a couple of days away from home can open your eyes. I'm sure your parents must have been worried about this," Jasper paused. "I want to ask you something. I don't want you to answer but I want you to really take a few days and think this over. Imagine your life. Imagine what it is that you want. In a perfect world…what would Edward's life look like if you really did get to choose your own path. Who would you marry? How many kids would you have? What career would you choose? Think about that."
Jasper stood up and walked toward his room.
"You can have it all, my friend. You just have to be willing to fight for it."
I spent the rest of my evening thinking about this perfect life that Jasper seemed to think I could even begin to consider. It didn't take long for me to know what I wanted but he was right, getting it would be a fight. It wasn't that I didn't want to be the next king but more that I didn't want to give up certain things. Growing up, I imagined what it would be like when it was my turn to reign. There was an unidentifiable woman standing beside me as I could never picture a face. I imagined children too, but they remained faceless as well. I just always assumed that I would have everything I wanted. That love would come around and life would be perfect. It was that exact moment for the first time in my life, the faceless woman, wasn't faceless anymore. Bella was beside me. Our children were a perfect mixture of us.
Come Monday morning, I didn't know what I was going to do. I should let Bella go. She wanted to be a librarian. She had her perfect future all planned out and I doubt it included a tiara on her head. As much as I wanted to place my faith in Jasper's departing words, I had to remain realistic and know that Bella and I could never have a future if I was to be king.
I didn't even notice any attempts made on the redhead's behalf to get my attention in my first class because I was so focused on what I would say to Bella to make her understand why we couldn't be friends. I didn't think that it would take much since she already wasn't a huge fan of our friendship, to begin with. I would tell her that I couldn't do friendship and then she would go back to ignoring me and this time, I wouldn't try to change her mind.
I walked into our literature course and she wasn't there yet. I took my usual seat and waited, feeling my heart pound as the moment came closer for her entrance.
And there she was. Looking better than ever before. Dressed in a soft pink shirt, that matched her soft pink lips. Her hair was straight and curled just on the ends and the smile she had on her face when she saw me was breathtaking. Partly because this was the first time that Bella ever saw me and was happy by my presence.
She walked over to my desk and dropped a small notebook down in front of me.
"Here. My personal notes on Death of a Salesman just in case you found that this book too wasn't your thing."
I felt my heart break because she was treating me like a friend. She was opening up to me and now I had to shut her down once and for all. She looked at me expecting my reply, but I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this. I gave her a small smile and handed it back to her.
"I think you should keep this," I said.
She looked into my eyes questioning my motives.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I thought I could be your friend but after really thinking this over, I think it would be best if we kept our distance."
I turned my attention back toward my desk and tried to stare straight ahead, waiting for her to leave.
"Does this have to do with your father?" She asked.
How right she was. Perceptive as always. When it came down to it, it did have to do with my father and our "family business" but I didn't want to reply because then she would press me further, so I ignored her. I could see her out of the corner of my eye; she nodded once and then snatched her notebook back up and went to sit behind me.
I could feel her eyes on me the entire lecture. It was the first time since I had been there that when the professor asked a question, Bella remained silent. When the professor was coming to the conclusion of the class, I had already made up my mind that I would dash out of there as quickly as can be. However, Bella had the same idea and we ended up crashing into each other.
"I'm sorry," I said reaching out to steady her.
She pulled herself away from me and glared, "You have nothing to apologize for. You're just being… exactly who I thought you were."
She turned around and ran out of the classroom.
I sat back down in my seat, feeling my heart break once again. I thought it would be easier to let her go now before we really got to know one another but I was wrong because I had already fallen for her and I just ruined any chance I had with the only person I have ever loved.
I didn't go to lunch. I didn't go to my next class. Instead, I headed home.
Jasper was watching television when I walked in. I looked around and there was no Alice in sight. I had done a lot of thinking on my walk back to the condo and was ready to put my plans into action.
"You're home early. I thought you had another class today," Jasper said.
"I'm not up for it," I replied going toward my room. I closed the door behind me and picked up the phone. I called home for the first time since my father cut me off. I waited to be patched through and I was a little surprised when my mother picked up the phone.
"Edward?" She questioned whether it was truly me on the other side.
"You can tell father that he won. I'm coming home."
There was a long pause.
"I don't understand. What happened?"
"Nothing happened. I just…this was a mistake. Coming here was a mistake. Tell father that I am coming home and will give him whatever it is that he wants from me. It was silly of me to ever think that I could have a normal life. What was the point? Everything that I could want I would just have to give up in a couple of months."
I slid down to sit at the foot of my bed and ran my hand through my hair. I just kept picturing Bella over and over. The hurt on her face. The rejection. The betrayal.
"What's her name?" My mom asked softly.
"How did you know?" I asked briefly wondering if Jasper had said something to my parents.
"Edward, I am your mother. I have never heard you so upset before. I've never heard you in this kind of pain before. You are a man who has fallen. You sound scared. Confused. Unaware of what to do. Desperate to run away because you think it will help. What is her name?"
"Bella," I replied.
"Bella…that's a pretty name. I bet she is a very pretty girl," My mom said.
"It doesn't matter. She is here and I…will be there. We are worlds away. We might as well be from different eras for all the good it would do."
"Did you tell her who you are?" she asked.
"No. There was no point. After today, I will be a memory that fades into nothing. I'm done here. I'm done…pretending. Going to a school, I will never earn a degree from. Becoming friends with people, I will never see again. Taking a class with a girl that I will never get to be with. This was a very poor plan of mine and I failed. Not even just with Bella. I failed a test. I have a…horrible job washing dishes. I have had to rely on other people to help me out. It is amazing at how I fail at being normal. Just send a plane. I ready to go home and get on with my life."
Once again there was another pause.
"No, I don't think we will." My mother replied.
"WHAT?" I snapped. "Are you expecting me to afford a ticket home too? Because I can tell you that with the modest wages I receive it will be a long time before I can afford that."
"Good. In the meantime, maybe you can fix your life."
"I am fixing my life. I'm coming home," I said through my teeth.
"You wanted this experience. You begged and threatened us for it and I will not fund your way home because you feel like you failed. I won't have my son come home to me with his tail between his legs because becoming King is the easier option. I can't have you sit on the throne knowing that how you deal with your problems is by running from them. If you are so desperate to come back, then earn your way back. If you are not willing to fight for your own life, then how will you fight for the thousands of lives in our country?"
And then she hung up on me. My mother hung up on her only child.
I sat in disbelief, staring at the wall as the room changed from light to dark. Even if I were to work for the funds to buy a plane ticket home, it would take me weeks to accomplish that. I wanted to be angry at my mother, but I couldn't. The old adage of you made your bed, now lie in it kept running through my mind.
The only way I could survive these next couple of weeks was to take a page from Bella's book, stay focused and organized. Focus on school and allow for no distractions.
I became a robot. A creature of habit, I believe as the saying goes. Every single morning, I would wake up, eat, go to class, study and come home. On days I worked, only the piles of dishes were my distraction. No longer did I speak to my classmates and even with Emmett, I would leave our short conversations to basic pleasantries. Jasper was never around. Off living the dream with Alice else ware and leaving behind any duties for my safety to be left in my own hands.
Locking myself away in my bedroom had seemed to improve my grades and as Bella had said, I had managed to focus so much on my educationl that not only was I caught up in just three short weeks, I was ahead of schedule.
Literature class was pure torture. No longer did Bella look my way when she entered the classroom. Instead, it seemed that she too had become a robot. There was no sign of life in her face. She never answered the questions that the professor proposed. Other than that, it seemed like my plan had worked. She went back to being plain old Bella.
Nothing plain about her.
I clutched my chest feeling like my own stomach acid was rising to even fight back at me. Just feeling her presence as she sat behind me was torture. I could hear sighs and the light tapping of her pen. I couldn't help myself, after three weeks of not speaking to her, I ventured to turn and face her just to see her straight on.
I couldn't believe my eyes. She was still beautiful but there were so many things wrong with the picture before me. Bella's face looked gaunt and it was clear that she had lost weight. The bags under her eyes worried me but the lifeless expression worried me most. It was like she looked right through me without a care in the world.
"Bella…"
She stood up and did not acknowledge me. She grabbed her books and left.
I walked toward the cafeteria berating myself the whole time. How could I have allowed this to happen? I was so sure that Bella would go back to being Bella after I ended things with her. How could ending our early friendship have such an effect on her life. She treated me like I was a cancer that needed to be cut out. This just went to prove that maybe I did the right thing. If I had pursued the relationship with Bella and then left for Caldonia after the semester, it would have been so much worse.
However, someone should be looking out for her now. Where was Alice? Where was Emmett? How could they have let it get this bad? Weren't they her friends? Somehow, I was even more upset with them then I was with myself. Did Alice and Jasper's relationship cause Alice to fall off the face of the earth and not care about her best friend? Emmett seemed to be the same ole Emmett every time I talked to him. Was he that oblivious?
I entered the cafeteria ready to seek out Emmett and let him in on what he was so blind to see and there he was talking to Alice. Immediately my blood began to boil. I marched straight over to them and slammed my books down on a nearby table startling Alice.
"What is the matter with you two? Are you both so self-involved that you don't notice what is going on with Bella?" I barked.
Alice looked taken aback at my accusations and then her face turned dark and deadly.
"How dare you speak to me about Bella. After what you did! I trusted you…"Alice launched herself at me and although I believed that I could take her, I was relieved that Emmett caught her and pulled her back before she could make contact.
She began screaming obscenities at me while flailing around in Emmett's strong arms as he pulled her back toward his office. I followed along of course because I wanted to get to the bottom of this and no amount of threats spewing from Alice's mouth were going to stop me.
"Look, I may have ended our friendship, but I had no idea she would take it this hard. She hated me and wanted nothing to do with me and one night of peace as friends could not have done all this," I defended.
"Of course, it didn't." Alice spit. "But you aren't the only chess piece on the game board. Bella has a lot that she has had to deal with in the past year and you double-dutching in and out of her life doesn't help things. You were the first real person that she began to open up to in the past year and then you go and ruin everything!"
"If I would have stayed friends with her, it would be all the worse when I had to leave in a couple of months. I do have to go back home eventually. Jasper may have the luxury of staying behind, but I don't. I was trying to spare Bella's feelings," I explained.
"And how is that working out? You had to have seen her. Thinks she looks hot with fewer pounds on her?" Alice asked sarcastically.
"Of course not! Why do you think I sought you out? Don't be ridiculous!"
Alice looked like she was about to start screaming once again but Emmett stopped her.
"This is getting us nowhere! I stayed out of it because Alice, you said that we needed to let them play this out. But Edward is right, we should have stepped in long ago. You and I both know what is really going on with Bella. It wasn't for the guy with an expiration date to fix before he vamoosed." Emmett said.
"What is really going on with Bella?" I asked. My mind going every which way.
"That's none of your business, foreigner," Alice replied.
"I believe your boyfriend is too a foreigner," I spit.
"You leave Jasper out of this! He works hard enough…"
"Works hard? At what! I imagine he just sits around the house all day waiting for you to get out of class."
Alice shook her head comically and smiled.
"My god! Are you really this oblivious? Jasper has a job. When was the last time you two talked?"
I reeled from this information. Granted she was right, I hadn't spoken more than a few grunts in a couple of weeks. I didn't want to be around Jasper much because I was green with envy of his happiness.
I slowly sat down in the office chair. My head hurting either from this conversation or lack of food. I knew which one was true.
"Edward, what's going on with you? Not that I don't love the focus you have maintained the last few weeks. Dishes have never been cleaner but there is a truth that you aren't telling us and it's not only affecting you, but it is affecting my friend too."
My head in my hands unable to look up at them.
"I'm in love with Bella."
Silence.
"Then why are you treating her like this?" Alice asked softly.
"Because! I don't get the privilege of staying behind as Jasper does. I have to go back to Caldonia. There is no other choice for me. My heart is broken because I know now that I can never have the love that you get to appreciate. How am I supposed to have Bella for only a few short months and then put her through the pain I know she will have to endure with my absence?"
Alice's eyes no longer held contempt for me. She looked like she was figuring out a complicated math problem in her head.
"Why…can't she just go with you?" Alice asked.
"I could never ask that of her. She has dreams that I'm sure don't include living abroad. She has a path that she is determined to go down. If I took her off course for my own selfish desires, I could never forgive myself for any unhappiness that may inflict."
"Don't you think that is something that you should let Bella decide?"
I laughed.
"We are speaking in hypotheticals. Before I ended our friendship, she didn't want to even consider a relationship with me. She only wanted a friend. I had to keep reassuring her that we were not dating. It might take me years to get Bella on the same page as I am on."
"I don't think you would have to work as hard as you may think," Alice said.
"Really?" I asked incredibly confused with this information.
"Well not now! Now she would rather see your entrails hanging from a post. You ruined that girl!" Alice snapped.
Emmett stepped in once again, "But her heated feelings just goes to show you how much she actually cares about you. She may lie to herself and think that you don't matter and that she could care less but deep down, Bella clearly wants you."
I wanted to allow myself to believe that, but it was so clear that she had always made herself transparent in her feelings for me.
"If Bella didn't care about you…why would she go through the trouble of paying for your meals your first week here," Emmett added.
My mouth dropped, "I thought that you were just letting them slide."
"I could get fired for giving away free meals. Someone had to pay for them and Bella felt that she was the one who had to step up. She had to give up her own meals and eat Raman for a week just to see to your meals in the cafeteria."
If it was possible, I think my chest hurt more at this information. I felt unbelievably stupid for my accusations of Alice and Emmett. It wasn't their job to clean up the mess I had created.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for calling you self-involved. This is my problem to fix. I don't know how I will get Bella to listen to me, but I have to try…"
"Bella is strong-willed…you have to be stronger," Alice replied.
I didn't eat from the cafeteria. I didn't think my stomach could handle it if I had. Instead, I wandered around campus deep in my own thoughts and wondering what I could do to fix my problems. My mother kept popping up in my head and her words to me. She was right. I couldn't run away from my problems. How could I ever ask for respect while sitting on the throne if I had done nothing respectful?
My feet took me toward the library. I had hoped that maybe seeing Bella would inspire some sort of resolution. Bella was there standing outside the door wrestling with some papers on the bulletin board.
"Stupid frat parties! Stupid, stupid frat…" She ceased her mutterings when she saw me. She seemed to catch herself from looking at me and went back to her papers.
"Bella," I started.
"Don't talk to me!" She snapped.
I sighed but continued to walk toward her.
She turned on her heel and pointed a threatening finger at me. "I mean it Edward, do not talk to me!"
"I'm sorry!" I got out quickly.
Bella shook her head in disgust and walked around me to go back into the library. I followed close on her heels, grabbing the door that she tried to close in my face.
"Please, will you just…" I pleaded.
"Just what? You made yourself perfectly clear. I may not be as smart as you, but I think I can handle the meaning of your words adequately enough. Now leave me alone!"
She hurried behind her desk believing that the barrier would somehow keep me out, but I persisted knowing the fight I had ahead.
"Bella, I was trying to keep from hurting you. I knew I would have to leave in a few months and the last thing I wanted to do was to break your heart…"
Bella began laughing, "Break my heart? Do you hear yourself? Break my heart. Like I would ever allow you to go there. You said that this was a friendship. I think I remember stating that it was supposed to be a friendship so how exactly do you think you were going to break my heart?"
"You and I both know that there was more here than just friendship even if you are too scared to admit it," I said.
"I think you are delusional. I never wanted to be with you or have anything past friendship with you. Surprise, surprise, I don't think of you that way. Not everyone falls for your charm," She scoffed.
I paused our fight and looked deep into her eyes. I could see her fighting to keep the anger and disgust in them, but she finally looked away and shook her head.
"I know you're scared of allowing yourself to think of a relationship. You have this path that you are on and I know there is something else that is forcing you to believe that you can't allow yourself to have feelings for me but…"
"I'm not scared of anything!" She yelled.
Now it was my turn to laugh.
"You are joking, right? I've never seen a person so afraid to live before." And just like that the words flowed from my mouth before my brain had a chance to catch up, "you hide behind your studies and your silly notebook to make sure that you don't allow yourself to look up at the world around you. You don't date. You only have two friends. You don't do parties. You don't allow for conversation. Just what exactly do you have to live for?"
I couldn't believe what I had just said. As soon as I said the words I realized the enormous fuck up on my end. I saw Bella's eyes fall and her whole body seemed to collapse. Her eyes whirled with tears and I never felt so horrible in my life. My words hurt the person that I claimed to love.
"Bella…"I whispered trying to find an adequate apology but there wasn't any.
Bella shook her head and without looking at me she turned around with the messy stack of flyers in her hands and walked away. I wanted to go after her, but my feet couldn't find the right steps. I waited around for nearly a half hour hoping that she would return but she didn't, and I had no idea where she had gone to. Feeling at my absolute lowest, I walked slowly back to the condo. It was just getting dark when I got back. I had no earthly idea how I was going to fix this. Alice for sure would have my head and I wouldn't even fight her on it.
I walked into the condo and Jasper was there cooking dinner.
"You look horrible!" He said upon seeing me.
"I am a horrible horrible person. I just…hurt Bella far more than any person could, I think."
Jasper put down the pan he was holding and came right over.
"What happened?"
I sighed and didn't even know where to begin. I just kept shaking my head back and forth surprised at my massive stupidity. I opened my mouth, but no words came forth. But, it was Alice barreling through the door that stopped me from giving an explanation.
"I hope you are happy with yourself! I don't know what you said but I thought you should know that whatever happens tonight is on your head!" Alice screeched.
I jumped up from the couch and went to her.
"What do you mean? What is happening tonight?" I asked terrified to hear the answer.
"Bella is off to the Theta Chi party. Something about how you said that she needed to…live."
I slowly shook my head in disbelief. Bella at a frat party? I had to stop her before she did something stupid.
AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing.
DISCLAIMER: STORY IS MINE. CHARACTERS BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.