Stargaze yawned, stretching his paws. Shivering intensely, he gently let out a tiny squeak of displeasure. He blinked his eyes open, expecting to see the beautiful silver spotted tabby she-cat, Dove. Oh, right. Dove's…gone. Dove had ran away after Hazel snapped at her for ruining the bedding, much to Stargaze's surprise. Hazel's snapped at Dove before, but I wasn't expecting her to run away! He glanced around his surroundings, noticing Blazeberry tending to the herbs. Hazel and Spiritmask raised her. A prick of guilt stabbed his heart. I've never been a good help with her, haven't I? With a grunt, Stargaze removed himself from his nest and padded towards the exit of the Medicine den.
Blazeberry gave him a sideways glance. "Can you check on Holly for me? I can hear her complaining from here, and lemme tell you, it isn't pretty." Holly had kitted two healthy kits, naming them Hailkit and Dominic. Her kitting was a surprise to Stargaze, however, as she didn't seem to be expecting beforehand. But she does lie in her nest all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was hiding it with that or it was just hard to tell. He sighed, shaking his head.
"I-I can't right now, Blazeberry. Can't you?" asked Stargaze, his meow edging with desperateness. I can't be bothered with the reminder of how I'm missing out from having kits. Hazel has Blazeberry. Silverfire has River and Firegaze. I have none. Blazeberry narrowed her green eyes.
She stared him down warily. "Why can't you check on her? It's your job, you know." Maybe I'm grieving for Dove, ever think about that?! He barely tried to muster up a retort. There's no point in arguing with her. She'll only tattle on me and Jayson will believe her, possibly even berate me for not checking on his beloved. Padding away from her, he headed towards the Nursery to see Holly nursing both Hailkit and Dominic.
Stargaze cleared his throat. "S-So, Holly...uh...how's life going so far?" Holly only gave him a scowl that told him to back off and never return to the Nursery. He jerked his head towards Twyla, who only sighed in annoyance.
"She's fine, just being...Holly, as usual." Twyla grumbled, shooting a dirty glare at Holly. "Thanks for scaring off my kits, you giant pain in the tail. Now Funnelkit and Forestkit have probably ran off to who knows where."
Holly snorted, licking her forepaw. "Oh please. Quickkit didn't head for the moors when I came in the Nursery." Quickkit, the heavily scarred young brown tabby tomkit laughed, pouncing on Holly's fluffy tail. Shame washed over Stargaze's pelt. He was attacked by that dog that entered camp, He reflected, sighing to himself. And Holly saved him from certain death, while I did nothing. No wonder why he admires Holly so much.
Quickkit let out a squeak of excitement. "That's because Holly saved me, mom!" He purred, puffing out his chest fur. Twyla rolled her eyes, presumably from hearing that over and over. Holly only grinned smugly at Twyla, snickering a little.
"You have quite a smart kit here, Twyla." Holly joked, her dark green eyes lighting up with amusement. "I think he takes a lot after his father, wouldn't you say?"
Twyla groaned in response. "Tristan only tolerates you because you're a medicine cat. Nothing else."
A playful gleam shone in Holly's eyes. She turned towards Stargaze. "We're best friends." She purred, flicking her tail dismissively. Clearly I should leave then. Stargaze walked out of the Nursery, sighing to himself. I'll never get to experience the joy of having kits. Or having a mate. Maybe he wished that he'd told Dove how he felt about her back then. Maybe he wanted to always be by her side. But now she could be dead. Because he didn't bother to help her feel better, or stand up for her when Hazel snapped. If I'd done it differently, we wouldn't be in this mess. Stargaze couldn't shake the feeling away. He'd messed things up so bad with Dove that he could've helped in getting her killed. And here he thought he loved her. Maybe my love for her was stupid. It probably is, at any rate. She deserves better than me. She probably hates me.
Stargaze padded towards the camp exit, walking past Silverfire on his way there. Is he guarding the camp again? Why can't Violetstar see that his disability and his airheaded nature doesn't equal good camp guard?! He forced those thoughts down to the back of his head. He didn't want to complain about this. It just wasn't worth it. Heading towards the river, Stargaze stared at the waves as they pressed against the riverbank. Dove and I used to fish over here. We spent time together all day, everyday. And now...she's gone.
Was there anything else he should be hopeful for? Dove was gone, and she was the only one who seemed to care about him. Silverfire and Hazel were far too busy to notice, but Dove? She always wanted to be around him, and always encouraged him to keep going on. But now? She could be dead, and Stargaze played a role in driving her away. Stargaze weakly unsheathed his claws, his paws trembling as if there was an earthquake. Raising his quivering left forepaw up, he dug his claws deeply into the flesh around his eyes, even raking his eyes himself.
He knew he smelled blood. But did it matter? He was feeling pain, it was the first thing he'd truly felt since Dove's death. Stargaze's own blood oozed down his face, and he could hear the blood dripping onto the ground, maybe some drops of blood had fallen into the river. The sticky texture of it almost repulsed him as he sheathed his claws, feeling faint. Was that a good idea? As he asked himself that, he realized with a sudden jolt that he'd possibly blinded himself. Stargaze would never be able to see again if he had. Pawsteps rushed up to him. Checking the scent of the cat, he knew exactly who it was. Silverfire. Stargaze turned his head to face him, despite the fact that it was probably worthless to do so.
"I smelled blood! Are you okay Starga-" He stopped immediately once he noticed the blood dripping from Stargaze's face and paw. Running up to Stargaze, his lapped up the blood from his littermate's face ferociously. Between licks, he whispered, "Stargaze, what did you do to yourself?"
It felt like Stargaze had a hedgehog stuck in his throat. But he had to tell Silverfire. It hurt too much to keep it to himself any longer. He whimpered. "I miss Dove, Silverfire! I feel like I helped drive her away from SkyClan. And she could be dead because of me! I just feel so sick and repulsed with myself that I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much! I needed to vent, Silverfire! I loved her…."
Silverfire wrapped his tail around Stargaze's haunches. "I didn't know you felt this way, Star...you could've told me how you felt. I definitely would've helped." His tongue roughly lapped one more time on Stargaze's bleeding scars. "And please, for the love of StarClan, don't ever think or try to hurt yourself again. Sorry for not being there before. You're my brother, and I'm going to make it up to you. And hey, maybe Dove's not dead. If she is, then you'll be able to see her in StarClan one day."
"Thanks, Silverfire. I'll try to stay positive about Dove. Maybe she's still alive. But if she isn't, then for Dove's sake I'll be counting the stars."