How I Met Her Mother

Arthur where Art Thou?

*Spencer*

"Spencer, Spencer honey?"

I duck behind the toilet as I hear my mom knock on the door.

I been hiding in here for hours it feels like, but it's only been fifteen minutes. I just can't seem to face her; I wish my dad was here. I let out a deep sigh as I get up and head for the door to open it. But is a failed attempted as I lean against it instead.

"Spencer!" she said.

I feel the vibrations of her knocks against my back.

"You have to talk to me some time."

I close my eyes and let out a bigger sigh.

"Spence, it will be ok. Just talk to me."

I shake my head because I knew it wouldn't be. I tried to have this conversation before with my mom before but failed because of mind crippling fear. So many times, she got rid of the problem- the women I loved. What if this time she thinks I'm the problem, will she get rid of me?

"Honey, I know you wish your dad was here and so do I but—if we try to communicate maybe, we can get through this."

I place my hand on the doorknob and bite down on my bottom lip.

Maybe she's right I mean the cats out the bag now. I go to open the door imagining being greeted by my mother's warm smile. I closed my eyes remembering the times we spent at the park after church. It was like I could feel the wind blow through my sundress again. I could hear her words again…

"Spencer, you shouldn't keep secrets from me. Secrets are like lies and lies are sins and sins. She pauses for a moment. "Well sins will keep you from meeting our heavenly father."

I shake my head being pulled back to reality. I stare down at my black and white penny loafers then slowly back up to my navy-blue skirt. I really hate this school uniform.

"Spence have a seat."

I shake my head inwardly feeling tricked out the bathroom. I knew I couldn't have this talk with her without my dad present. Ugh! Why did he have to go to that camp for trouble teens this weekend. I'm a teen in trouble, so he should be here.

"Honey, what happen today? You can tell me."

I look into her comforting eyes and scoff. She scrunches her faces clearly offend.

"My word"

She clears her throat as turns away from me.

"I'm sorry mom. What did Ms. Harris tell you?"

"It's not about what she told me, it's about what you didn't." She said

I want to tell her what happen today. I want to lie in her lap and cry while she caresses my hair telling me that it will be ok. But I can't, I just can't. I turn around to wipe the single tear from my eye before she sees it.

"Spence, why didn't you tell me girls have been bulling you at the school?"

I look her to finish.

"Why didn't you tell me they been calling you names?"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"They must have been awful because Ms. Harris wouldn't dare repeat them to me."

My body relaxes and I can finally breathe again.

After Candy and I broke up it wasn't enough for Debbie to make me her slave she had to make sure I suffered even when she wasn't around. She went around school telling the girls I was gay and with it being an all-girl Christian private school, they didn't take it so well.

The girls would follow me down the hall pushing me while some of them spit in my hair as all of them called me 'dyke, nasty whore, and hell raiser' which were only a few of their favorites. This went on for weeks until Ms. Harris the head nun caught them in the act.

You would think I would be relieved that it would finally be over, but I was too busy crying my eyes out as I begged Ms. Harris not to tell my mother. I honestly would have rather dealt with the abuse than have to face her disappointment.

"I don't agree with your choices Ms. Carlin. I heard what they called you and I will not repeat, but I do know what the words mean. I want you to know I do not agree with the way the girls have been treating you. Just because a person's choices don't match your own doesn't give anyone the right to play God or serve punishment." She said.

She leans over and hands me the box of tissue, which I gladly take.

"Head mistress, you cannot tell my mother she will not understand. Besides I only have a few more weeks until graduation then I will never have to deal with them again."

"Stop your crying child. You have been left under our care and it is my responsibility to relate to your mother the tragic events that have taken place here".

She stars into my tearful eyes and give me a gentle smile.

"Beside she is your mother and she will love you as such. Any child of God will love another human being as he loves them."

Her words were conforming, but I didn't believe my mother could look past her judgment log enough to remember the love part of the bible.

She sent me home early telling me that she would call my mother and the mothers of the other girls to discuss what has been happening at the school. I ran all the way home and pass my mother running into the bathroom where I heard the phone ring.

I shook myself out my thoughts and smiled at my mother.

"May I go to my room?" She nodes yes.

I don't know what made Ms. Harris decide not to tell my mom the names that the girls called me but I'm glad she didn't.

End of Flash Back

Here I am once again, locked in a bathroom, hiding behind a toilet, scared of my mother's reaction. I shake my head at myself. I'm 28 years old and I still feel like that eighteen-year-old girl who was bullied.

"What am I going to do dad?'

I look towards the sky as I rock back and forth holding on to my knees.

*Paula*

"Spencer honey, are you okay?" I ask. I slide down the door feel the cold against my back. "Honey come out and talk to me. I know I went too far." I feel my head lean back to be met by Spence staring at me with curios eyes through the small crack of the door.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Honey come out and I'll tell you." I said

"No, not into you tell me."

Okay, there is this practice called the balloon effect. How it works is you keep pushing a person until that pop. I've been doing this with you this whole weekend. Surprise.

"What?" she says. Her body is now facing me, and we are standing face to face.

"Let's go on the couch, honey." I said.

"I don't want to go on. The couch. I want a mother who isn't manipulative. She says.

She starts to walk away, and I run after her.

"where are you going?" I ask

"I'm not going nowhere. This is my house, so you are leaving." She said

"Can we talk first?" I said

"you've talked enough mom!"

I watch her go into the room and pack grab my bags bringing them to the living room. She doesn't once look at me. Her silence fills the room so cold and thick creating a snow storm burying us. Before it was so much tension between us where I could find my way back, I decided to speak and hope she would hear some of it.

"when your father was dying. He me to not focuses on death but life. He said I always knew who you were, and I had to accept it, or the real death would be our relationship."

Spencer drops my bag on the floor and crosses her arms over her chest while shaking her head.

"Wow, dad is something eyes. First, he told Ashley he was dying, then he outs me to you."

"Honey, he didn't out you. I always knew. I knew what I was doing was experimental, but I caused so much drama with you and your sexuality that if I just said Spence, I know, you would have still denied it. I had to get you to your breaking point. I couldn't tell Ashley because the tension had to be real, but I never expected for all this to happen."

I sit on the couch in silence and I don't know what to say or do. I look at her and I feel my face become cold and clammy from nerves as I see her cheeks fill with venom turning as red as a tomatoed.

"I know you probably hate me, or at the least don't understand me. I am truly sorry for how terrible this is and how terrible I've been. I understand if you want me out of your life, or at least need some time to gather your thoughts and feelings about me."

The room is closing in on us and i can't breathe from all the tension.

"I want you to know that I been getting my own therapy when your father past and talked to someone about except your lesbian daughter. I didn't tell her this plan because I was sure she wouldn't approve. I guess I'm still stubborn. I only suggest that you hate me later and at least let maybe here for you like I haven't been all those years with all those heartbreaks I caused."

I looked at her face still flushed, and her fist clenched. She moved only to walk passed me on the couch. I put my hand on my head and closed my eyes as I begin to pray for her forgiveness. I felt a weight at my side looked up to see spencer kneed in front of me holding my waist while crying to my chest. I held her shoulder with one hand and caressed her hair with the other. I whispered

"it's going to be okay, Honey. we'll get Ashley back."