A/N: This is the second new chapter this week, so if you haven't read chapter 13th please read it before this one! Thank you to my loyal & new supporters for sticking with me and this story. This is my favorite chapter so far. Tell me what do ya'll think of it? P.S The title of this chapter is named after a song by Whitney Huston: 'Where Do Broken Hearts go.' Check it out if ya'll haven't heart it.

How I Met Her Mother

Where do Broken Hearts Go?

Spencer

It's been three weeks since I cried in my mother arms and I decided to go back to Ohio with her. Ashley has ignored my calls, and yet been in contact with the landlord to pay the rent. I tried talking to Maddison and Chelsea and they said they hadn't heard from her. Ashley has never ignored me as long as we've been together. Every night is the same where one tear runs down my face followed by a sea of them, until I am choking from the tight emotion in my chest. My mother always comes in asking am I'm oaky, because my crying has woken her up.

The main reason I came back to Ohio is because my mother and I decided to go to therapy to get to the core of our issues. We talked about the Carlin women and this God complex which is exercised by using God as a justification tool for judgement instead of a source of love.

I remember one session very vividly…

"Mom, I just don't understand why you would keep inserting yourself into Ashly and I relationship instead of having a normal conversation with me?!"

It was weird sensation of being able to say Ashley and I relationship to my mom, and at the same time a deep sadness that there probably wasn't a relationship between us any longer.

The tears were falling down my cheeks and I was rocking myself while holding my knees.

"Honey, I figured if you didn't have Ash to run to for comfort it would push you faster out of your Comfort zone.'

"Don't call her Ash, she's not your friend. She barely my friend at this point"

"I'm Sorry hon- "

"No, I'm not an experiment. I'm your daughter. That was the problem you were always trying to cure me instead of loving me and being there for me like dad."

"I know I'm not your Dad. Sometimes I feel like the wrong parent died."

I set in silence not sure what to say. Not sure if I agreed with what she just said or not. I just sat there feeling swallowed by my feelings, her feelings, the words said, the words unsaid, and the silence that was now holding it all. I started to feel out of control and my breathing became shallow.

I'm guessing therapist notices this as I faintly heard her tell me. To notice one thing I hear, one thing, see one thing, smell, and taste one thing.

I smelled the cinnamon tea in my cup on the table.

I saw the clock on the wall.

I heard the heavy breathing of my mother.

And hope she wasn't about to have a panic attack too.

I felt my skin on my legs.

I taste how dry my mouth was.

I went to sip my tea.

Okay, today has be filled with emotions and we got a lot of work done. Let's break until next week and I'll ask you both to not overwhelm yourself with trying to get everything figured out in the days we are not with each other, or even the days that we aren't. Remember it's a process which mean it all takes time.

The time at my mom and dad house was hard. Sometimes it was harder than being at Ashley's and I place. I would see all the pictures of my parents together and wonder was it as hard for my mom as it was for me. Sometimes I would look at a picture of my dad and could still smell his Sunday Fun day chilly filled with garlic, purple onions, sages, and of course red, green and even yellow chilies. It was Sunday and the house didn't smell of spice and my heart swelled. I wish he was here. I wish Ashley would speak to me. I felt so alone. My brothers are supposed to come into town later today and I hoped maybe some of the pain would ease then.

"Spence it's been a month and a half. Do you really think Ashley isn't fucking some other girl by now?" He said.

I get up and walk in no direction just walk wiping my tears. I couldn't be near him or even near my own self for that matter. I wanted to escape.

"Why did I think you could be a good brother, Glen. Why did I think you would actually support me during this time?"

My voice is cracking and is barely a whisper. I walk over to the bench in the middle of the yard and sit wiping my tears. Holding my chest as it tightens, and I feel myself start to lose control again. My chest tightens and my breathing starts to become difficult.

"Oh shit, Spence. Mom told me what to do if this happens. Oh fuck, what did she say?"

I hear him faintly and I'm not sure if he is near me or across the yard.

Look at one thing.

Smell another.

Touch something.

Hear something.

And taste something.

I said breathlessly.

I see his blurry face and now I know he is next to me.

I feel the wood boards on the bench.

I smell the crisp moister in the air

I hear the wind blowing

And I taste how dry my mouth is again.

"I'm thirsty." I said.

Glen walks back to the bench with a water bottle from the house.

"Look, I wasn't trying to be an ass- this time. And with Clay, your favorite bother not being able to make it, I knew I had to be supportive. I just hate how you hold on to your phone waiting for her to call. I love Ashley too, but it's fucked up for her to not even tell you if she's fucking someone else or not. Excuse the choice of words, but you know what I mean."

I give him a head nod and a weak smile, and I know part of the reason I was so upset is because it's true…Ash, could be sleeping with Kelly right now or someone else.

I ended up taking mindfulness, and horseback riding to help with my panic attacks. Everything felt so empty. My body felt like a stranger to my touch and tears rolled down my face on cue daily. As soon as two months hit, I told my mother I was going back to LA, even though my mom though I should stay with her until Ashley contacted me. I told her that I had a better chance of talking to Ashley in LA then being in Ohio, or at least bumping into her. I promised we will check in via phone and video chat plus continue our therapy via video. I set off to La with the hope that we could work this out. I thought maybe her continuing to pay the rent was enough reason to hope that she desired for us to be under the same roof again.

The first week back I pace the entire house at least ten times a day waiting for her to walk in or at least return my call, but she didn't. I waited another week until I started to sit at her job where the servers still treated me like I was the boss's wife and brought me free lattes. Ashley's chocolate brown curls never bounced into the café with a smile reflected the sun. Once I thought I saw her avoiding me and heading to the kitchen. I hurried up and grabbed her arm, before she could completely walk in. It wasn't her though. It was one of her new servers I haven't met yet and I apologies to the young woman feeling my cheeks turn a soft red with droplets on sweat on my brow. I walked out shaking my head and haven't been back since.

It wasn't just upsetting that I thought the random woman was Ashley, but that I didn't know who the young lady was. Ashley used to include me in everything in the business as she would say it was our empire. And now, I didn't know anything about it, from the new paint, to the new performances/ open mics, to the new hires. I felt completely isolated from her life.

My finally attempt of running into Ashley was going to Downtown LA mission. I set in my car outside the green gate looking at the pink building for an hour. I couldn't find the strength to get out my car. I heard a tap at the window causing me to jump which made the old woman jump. I rolled down the window and smiled a little nervous and definitely apologetic

"Ms. Rose you startled me. What are you doing out here at night?"

"Well dear I live here and was getting some fresh air when I saw you. What are you doing here so late at night? Plus, it's a bit early for your semiannual food donation."

"Well, Ms. Rose. Um, I was looking for Ashley. Have you seen her?"

"Trouble in Paradise? You know she got into it with Barbara once and disappeared for a week before she came back. Barbara was so heartbroken and told her when you ignore your love ones a part of them and you become rough soil causing nothing to grow there between the two of you. That's why Ash never ignore…well, until now, I guess."

"So, you seen her Ms. Rose? Please, I need to know."

"Yes, hon. She is here every day. She actually in there now."

"Can you tell her to come out and please talk to me?"

"Okay."

"I feel my whole body get warm. And I start to rub the steering wheel to ground myself."

Ms. Rose come to the door way, but no Ashley. She shakes her in head, and I know Ashley refused to even talk to me. Even when I'm here and she is a few feet away. I could kind of see her being able to ignore me from a far, but this close felt like a knife rip through my insides and out my stomach.

It's been six months since the night I went to the mission and decided to leave the house we shared. Ashley still hasn't contact me not even to officially end it. I wonder if she is still paying the rent at the apartment or even know I left. I wonder if she is with that Kelly Girl—second set of blues.

After I left the apartment I went to stay at an Airbnb for a free weeks before renting a room from an older woman in Venice beach. Sometimes I go to the beach and stick my feet in imaging the water washing all my stress away and Ashley always creep into my memory. I still loved her. I still desired her, but I could no longer wait for her.