A/N: This chapter title is inspired by the song 'I Will Always Love You' by Whitney Houston. Give it a lisen, if you wanna know where the enegy of this chapter came from. Thank ya'll so much for rocking with me this long. There will be one more chapter and our story comes to an end. I am so thankful for everyone who has read/will read this story. Everyone who has/will comment. Your comments motivated me to write and I appreciate ya'll. I have grown so much with/ through this story. Who knows I may write another Spashley story aftet this one. Would ya'll like another story from me? Let me know. I hope ya'll have/will enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. Speacial Shot out to Ludipa, your comments always make me laugh so much!

How I met Her Mother

I Will Always Love You

Ashley

Before meeting Spencer and after dating Helen, I made sure to have more than one option when it came to women. I hated the feeling of getting something new like an unwrapped gift on Christmas and having a time limit with it. Having to wonder if the person is really as into you today as they were yester. When the thought of the last moment you spent no longer give you butterflies, and you wonder where can you go from here? Do you continue to wait, or do you move on? Moving on hurt less. For small moments I would wonder if I messed up the possibility of what could be because of jumping the gun. But those moments were way smaller than the moments of insecurities that would close in on me during the waiting.

I hated what I've become—a set of hands. Hands holding on to the phone waiting for it to ring. Hands refreshing her Instagram for a new post from her. Hands looking at old photos of her and I, and I and her, and again as if new ones would appear. I hated what I've become. I've become a pair of eyes staring at my phone waiting for the text alert. Waiting for an email. Waiting for facetime, waiting for anything. Anything to let me know there's still a chance. I leaned back thinking how it's only been three days. Thinking how upset Spence most have felt at the wait for months. I started to swallow myself and become nothing but a hole of the whole I used to be. I hated this feeling of longing. I hated needing a hit of a person's attention like heron in a needle to vein. I laid on my side and stared a hole into the wall where I would bury my loneness. I would hide it so deep the house would weep. I closed my eyes and rubbed my tempted wondering what she was thinking. Wondering if she was wondering. Wondering if she never plans to reach back. Wondering if she thought the same of me for those six months, but yet she kept waiting. She kept texting, she kept calling. This thought gave me the strength to wait more and the pain of waiting.

A week later Spence texted that she wanted to meet for tea. We went to a small tea shop on the out skirts of Hollywood. We set there in silence for ages it seemed like.

"Ashley." She said

She didn't look up from her green tea that she didn't touch, and I looked back at my earl gray waiting to hear what she was about to say. Waiting to hear "she couldn't do this anymore." I wish she wouldn't say it, but I knew I deserved it. Since I did what I thought I would never do-cheat on her.

"Yes, Spence?" I said

When I realize she hadn't said anything after calling my name. I continue to stare at my cup until I heard a heavy sad sigh which made me look up. We were finally looking at each other and I could see all the heavy in her face. I hated myself for adding so much sorrow in her eyes that used to sparkle.

"Ashley, I was wrong. I should have told my mother sooner. I admit it wasn't fair to you. Or us how I went about it."

"Spence—"

"Wait. You were wrong to ignore me and worst sleep with someone else."

"I was wrong, but you were on Tinder about to do the same thing." I said

I felt the room get small and it didn't even sound like a valid excuse to me, but yet and still that was the reason I did it.

"Are you kidding me right now? Was I supposed to wait another six months acting like I was your girlfriend? Ha! not knowing what or who you were doing? Is that fair to me?" She said

"You're right it's not fair and clearly there's a lot of shit I need to work on."

Spence doesn't scold me for the curse word. She's not even looking at me now or the tea cup. She is staring out the window fighting back tears.

"Ashley, I can't be with you."

"Wait, Spence. We can't just end it like this. Not like this. Not after four years."

"No Ashley, you don't get to do that. You don't get to ignore me for months. Sleep with someone else then act like I'm the one throwing it all away."

"Spence—"

My hold body feels heavy as my throat sink into my stomach. I can't even see her clearly through my own tears.

"I love you Ashley. I probably always will. I know I am a big part of the reason we went down this path. We both need to work on how we deal with conflict in a relationship."

I hop up not even sure if I am making any sense through all the tears.

"Don't use psychology on me."

"Ashley, it's not psychology. Yeah psychology might have giving me the words, but it doesn't change the feeling."

I wipe the tears on my shirt sleeve. And look at her seeing the tears escape her now. We stay there-me standing and her sitting—staring at each other. I sit back down and start stirring my spoon in my tea.

"Well, I guess that's it then." I said.

"I guess so." She said.

I look up at her wiping her tears with a napkin. We sit there staring into to each other sad red eyes for an eternity.

I finally choke out my next set of words not sure if I want to know the answer.

"Spence. If I didn't sleep with someone else would have stayed with me."

"I want say that I would have. But honesty I feel the bigger issue is you not taking responsibility for your actions or feeling. I feel you cheating and ignoring me was a symptom of the problem."

"So, you still would have left?"

"I really don't know, Ashley. All I can think is I get so angry when I think of you. I can't see anything working when I have all this resentment towards you. I'm sorry Ashley, I have to go back to work."

"Oh, you work?"

"Yeah, where I live the woman's mother needed an in-home care provider, so my rent is covered because I stay with them, and I make a little extra for food."

"Oh okay, so you don't need me."

"Ash—"

"No, it's fine." I said.

"No, it's not fine. Ashley, I came back to LA to make it work with you. I even took this job just in case you came around. So, it's not fine for you to make me feel bad for mending a heart you help break. Bye Ashley."

She walks out and I follow her out the cafe as she gets into her lyft.

"Spence, you can't leave me. I love you"

She doesn't even look at me as she tells the driver to go.

After a month of moping around. Kyla decided to have an intervention with Chelsea and Maddison. I guess.

"Ashley, I love you, but Spence was right. What I mean is our childhood wasn't easy for either of us and our adulthood didn't get easier either." Kyla Said

"Therapy, really helped me, Vanilla." Chelsea said.

"Yeah, Chels and I even did Therapy, Chica. We wanted to learn healthy boundaries in our own relationship, especially when we started to add other people into it." Maddison said.

"I don't need therapy—I'm fine." I said

"Ashley, I'm your best friend and I have to be honest. You have to learn to cope healthy if you desire a fulling relationship with anyone. You been through some shit most people wouldn't even wish on their worst enemy. You've loss a baby, been homeless, had an abusive mother, absent father who passed away, and loss a Barbara who was like a mother to you, and now Spenc—"

"I said I'm fine okay. Damn, ya'll supposed to be my family and friends, and ya'll ganging up on me. Where is my support, Huh?! Where is the no judgement—huh, chocolate?"

I stand up to leave.

"Ash."

"Vanilla"

"Chica."

I hear them all call me, but I don't turn around.

I didn't get Therapy instead I went back to dating Helen. I figure we could work out this time since she was out the closet plus, we had history.

We didn't work though. It seems the only reason we worked before was because of timing. She liked having power over me. She liked the upper hand and the secrecy. I liked the available unavailable, because now that she was all available, I didn't want to hold her hand in public, or go on cute dates, or care if I met her friends or she met mine. We just fucked for two months until we both realize we weren't what the other wanting.

A month after Helene I bumped into Kelly at a farmer's market and our relationship died as soon as it started when I called her Spencer the first time, we had Sex. That was the shortest yet longest week of my life.

"I mean am I depressed Doc? That's all ya'll do, right? Call folks depress and anxious."

"We do Ms. Davies, if that what the client is." She said.

"What made you finally decide to come and talk to someone. Ashley?"

"I don't know. After three months of every relationship not working out and really thinking back on how none of my relationships worked out. I knew I had to figure out something that I obviously can't do on my own."

"Why were you avoiding it so long."

"When I came out to my mom before she had beat the dog shit out of me. She told me I need to get help for it and that I was sick. So, I looked at therapy as a place that was against me."

"You're not Sick, Ashley. Therapy has come a long way and yes it has a long way to go, but the right match in your case maybe me- who is queer and a womxn can give you some understanding. What is it that you hope I could help you figure out?"

"When Spence broke up with me that day and even though I knew I was wrong… I couldn't get myself to admit it. I want to be able to take responsibility for my actions."

"That's definitely a good first step and shows you're on the right path of healing. Honestly, most people who've had toxic relationships with their mother, no matter the race or gender, find themselves having accountability issues, so you are making great strives towards recovery."

Seeing the good doc once a week for the last three months really helped me see the wrong in my actions and the wrong, I accepted from others. I also realize having strong boundaries, especially with people I love. If I had better boundaries I probably wouldn't have put up with the situation with Spence and Paula, and maybe Spence and I would still be together, but now I'll never know.

I stare out the window with my cup of chai tea watching people walk by. I look at the decorations on their house. I can't believe it's Christmas again. My first Christmas without Spence in five years. I can't believe we've been broken up for a year now.

I hear the doorbell ring. I look at my watch and see that it's nine pm.

"I wonder who that is. The café doesn't close until 2:00 am and Kyla didn't say she was coming over."

I go to answer it.

"Paula?!"

Paula

"Wait, Ashley before you slam the door in my face just hear me out, first."

"What. Why—why are you hear?" She said.

"Can, I come in? I mean it's not as cold as Ohio, but it's still pretty chilling in LA in December, I see.

"Come in Paula. How did you find me?" She said

I sit on the couch putting my small duffle bag down as Ash closes and locks the door. She stands in front of me with her eyebrows demanding me to speak.

"Well, Ashley. When Spence came to Ohio and said she went to this apartment above the Café looking for you a few times before she gave up. I remember the Café from when I visited."

"So, why are you here?" She said

"I know I am breaking every boundary my therapist told me to set. But I had to come here. I had to right the wrongs I made. I mean, isn't it fitting to come around Christmas again? time."

She looks at me with a hard side eye still not understand the point of my visit. And I know I need to speak fast.

"okay, Ashley. I never thought I see the day where I would be trying to get a woman to come back into Spencer life instead of chasing them out of it. Maybe this can make up slightly for all the time I broke my daughters' heart."

I am crying now at the thought and I try to swallow my tears to finish.

"Okay—" she said

"The worst heartbreak was coming between you two. Ash, we all fucked up. She told me all of what happen when she came back to Ohio. Now, I don't know if your dating and happy, but Spence isn't happy. Not in the way when you two were together. I know you love her. I knew when I saw the way you looked at her when I first met you.

She finally sits down across from me in her arm chair.

"Paula, Spence resents me, and she broke up with me.

"Ashley, Spencer was just hurt. She is probably is ready to talk now."

"Wait, Probably? You haven't talk to her? Does she even know you're here?"

"No. I told her I was going on a business trip to share my research."

"Omg! What in the hell."

"Ashley, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have faith."

"Have you learned nothing? Have you not realized that surprising people on Spence doesn't work well?"

"Hold on hear me out. I ruin ya'll Christmas last year and wanted to offer the extra room in my house for you to stay while ya'll try to work it out. Now, I know you need some time to think about it. I'll be at the Hilton in Studio City. My flight leaves at 2:00 pm tomorrow, so if you wan't to get on the plane with me, I don't head to the airport until Noon."