A/N: Wow! the final chapter and it only took us seven years. Lol. They say good things comes to those who wait, and I just want thank all of you again for sticking by me and this story. I started writing this for me and a huge reason why I finished it was for all of you. The title is inspired by Janet Jackson song 'Again' give it a listen to get a deeper sense of the energy behind this chapter. The song lyrics in the begain of the chapter is V bozeman 'What is Love.' I'm happy with this ending, partly because I took my time to give ya'll a smooth lenghty chapter, so I hope ya'll enjoy it. This is our last chapter! Please let me know how do you feel about it on it's own, or the story as a whole. P.S. I rewatch the entire series of S.O. N, so there are some lines from the show I sprinkled in here. Special Shout out to K1989 for the encoragement in my inbox. This chapter goes out to you. Much love to everyone.
How I Met Her Mother
Again
Ashley
"Please pick up. Please pick."
I whisper to myself as my bare feet glide across the wooden floor back and forth.
"Come on, come on."
I close my eyes praying that she answers.
Tell myself I wouldn't cry when you're gone
But I know it's easier said than done
Look at me
Look at me
Choked up now
Try to tell you but it won't come out
The song plays faintly in the background.
"Ashley" she said
"Are you sleep?"
I shake my head at how foolish of a question that was. I could clearly hear the sleep in her voice as she clears her throat.
"Yeah, I was. Are you okay?"
"Umm, yeah. I'm just chilling"
What is love if you're not here with me
What is love if it's not guaranteed
What is love if it just ups and leaves
What is love if you're not here no more
What is love if you're not really sure
What is love if it just ups and goes
I stare at the speaker feeling my heart break to the words.
I bite my lip and close my eyes while rubbing my temples, before letting out a heavy sigh.
"Ashley, it's 4:00 in the morning. Doesn't sound like your chilling."
I sit down on the arm chair and exhale deeply.
"How is my niece?"
"She's sleeping, Ash. I know you been pretty clingily since you haven't been with a woman in three months, but I'm sure that's not why you called."
"Paula came by."
"What?! For what? Was spencer with her."
"No, she came to invite me to Ohio with her. Said Spencer might be ready to talk."
"Miiiight?! The Fuck?!"
I can hear her trying to lower her voice. I also hear her getting up and moving to another part of the house.
"I'll be back. I'll be back" She says faintly to Jimmy.
"Yeah, might." I said
I feel the warm tears run down my face and I didn't even realize I was about to start crying.
"Why are you crying, Ash?"
"I don't know what to do Ky."
"Ash, go."
"What?"
"I know it's not a grantee, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
"That's really corny." I said
"Well, it's 4:00 in the morning."
After some more laughter and a few breaths I speak again.
"Ky, thank you."
"You're welcome, Ash."
"No, thank you for being such a supportive sister through all this."
"Ash, you have been the same for me. I love you."
"I love you too."
I wipe a new set of tears.
"Stop crying softy and call me when you get there." She said
"Absolutely." I said.
"Paula, wait!"
I run behind her at the airport.
"Ashley, I'm so glad you made it. I got so nervous when I didn't see you at the hotel."
"Yeah, I overslept, and I didn't even know how much stuff to bring, so I bought three bags just in case."
"Wow, three bags."
"Not enough?!" I said.
"No, it should be fine."
She does a light laugh that reminds me of Spencer. And in this moment, I am so glad I decided to come. Even if Spence doesn't take me back at lest it would be worth the flight just to see her again.
"That's one of your bags?" She said.
I look down at my small rolling LV bag.
"Oh, no this is just my carry on."
"Oh, my. Well, whatever makes you comfy." She said.
We get on the plane and I am clinging to my arm rest. I close my eyes trying to breathe deeply while only getting is shallow breaths.
"Are you okay?" Paula Said.
"Yeah, planes make me nervous, sometimes."
The flight attendant is giving instructions on if we plunge to our death-how to use the air mask that will drop down, and the floating vest that's under the seat.
"Would you like me to hold your hand?"
She reaches out her hand and I hesitate but decides to take it. The warmth of her hand brings a tear to my eye and I don't know why.
"Why am I crying?" I said
"It's okay. Ashley. Everything is going to be okay. I'm here for you on this plane and off it. I'll do my best to support you during this process"
She squeezes my hand and I feel the support in her warmth.
"It's funny you would think as much as I travel, I would be used to them by now." I said.
"Discomfort isn't something you get use to. That's why we grow when we're uncomfortable. And it's okay to be nervous seeing as bravery is not the absents of fear, it is instead knowing that something is more important. "She said.
We get off the plane and I buy two dozen birds of paradise for Spence. The closer we get to house the more nauseous I feel. We arrive to the large house on the country side with a stable. Paula stops the car and looks over to me with a smile.
"Are, you ready, Ashley?"
"Yeah, as ready as I'm going to be."
Paula walks in pulling in two of my bags and I am steps behind her with two more bags plus the birds of paradise. Paula calls up to Spencer from downstairs.
"Spence, Honey."
"I'm coming, mom."
I hear her voice and my knees get weak. I hear her come down the stairs and become so flushed that I cover my face with the bouquet of her favorite flowers.
"I told you Carmen I didn't want to work this ou- Ashley" She said
"Who is, Carmen?" I said
"Carmen. Carmen. She's my. She's My Girlfriend."
She says the last part with a sharp tone that slice through my entire body. I drop the flowers. I feel the tears roll down my face and I run outside to save myself some dignity.
"Ashley."
It's Paula running after me. Not the blonde I hoped for.
"Why didn't you tell me she had a girlfriend?"
"I didn't want to give you a reason not to come. And I thought her, and Carmen were bro—"
"It doesn't matter what you thought. Just forget it. I don't want to be here anymore. Take me to the airport."
"You're leaving?" She said.
"This is not supporting me, Paula."
"Okay, I'll take you. Let me get your bags from out the house."
I see a slightly younger brunet who's shorter than me walk pass me to the doorway where Spence is standing
"Baby." Spence Said
"Baby? Why are you calling me that?"
"Don't be silly, Carman."
"I'm not. Didn't you break up with me last week? I'm only here for the rest of my things that you said you had for me."
"Yeah, of course. It's right there."
I watch the brunet grab the small box and walk pass me to her car. I look up at Spence hurt and confused and she looks down. She walks in the house and I run after her.
"Spence, really?"
"What?"
"Why did you have to lie to me?"
"Why not?! Why should you be able to come back, and it be easy. Why should I just be ready to let you in again?"
The tears were running down both of our faces now.
"Aren't you tired of fighting with me? I didn't expect it to be easy. I expected to fight for you and do the work. I wanted to do what I should have done a year ago."
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but should I take your bags to the car or to your room?" Paula said.
"I don't know. What do you want, Spence?"
"Do whatever you want, Ash." She walks back upstairs.
I hear a knock at the door that night and I tell them to come in. I look up to see Paula with a tray, and again not the blonde I was hoping for.
"Hey, Ash. Can I call you Ash?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
"I made you some brownies. Vegan brownies." She said
"Oh, nice!"
"I brought some oats milk to drink with them. Can I come in."
"Yeah, sure."
She closes the door behind her and looks at the spot next to me on the bed. I pat it for her to sit down. I am sitting up reaching for the tray with excitement.
"Ash, I'm sorry about earlier. I had no idea Spence would be so closed off still. I knew she had been with Carmen, but I also knew she broke up with her. Give it time and I'm sure Spence will come around. Spence isn't too happy with me right now either for the surprise, but it's worth it to see you two back together."
"Paula?"
"Yes, Ash."
"Firstly, these brownies are amazing."
She laughs lighting and slaps my shoulder playfully.
"Second?" She said
"Second, who did you buy all that victory secret for with my credit card."
"Well, partly it was to piss you off. Sorry, I can pay you back."
"No, it's okay. I'm over it. But, Paula why did you want to piss me off?"
"Honestly, part of the reason I came was to get Spence to be honest with herself and come out to me. That in itself was wrong and controlling and that control made me still fear her being gay and made me get in the way of you two."
"And the other part?" I said
"Well, the other part was for this gentleman. Well, I've been seeing off and on. I'm not seeing him now. I want to focus on my children."
"Paula, your children aren't kids anymore. And honestly the best you can do for you and them is to be happy. Arthur would desire you to be happy. And as a person who uprooted her whole life for love- believe me that if you find it then don't run away from it."
She nods her head in agreement as she wipes the few small tears that escaped her.
"Paula."
"Yes, Ashley?"
"Why did moved to the countryside?"
"I taught it would keep Spence from being gay when she was younger."
"I learned fast that gay people are everywhere, and now I am what I should have been then which is absolutely fine with that."
We both smile as I continue to eat the brownies.
For three days it was just me and Paula chatting over tea, or riding horses, or anything, because Spence wouldn't talk to me or her mother.
On the 4th morning I tell Paula to come in the room after hearing a knock on the door.
"It's me, Spencer."
I look up to see Spence who face has soften towards me.
"Oh, hey." I said.
"You want to go out with me this morning?"
I watch the trees and large miles of green filed as we transfer from the countryside into the city. We get to a building and the more we go inside of it the more it looks like an office building. We sit inside a waiting room until Spence's last name is called.
"Hello, Ashley it's so nice to meet you."
"I wish I could say the same."
"Oh, why what's wrong?"
"What's wrong was I thought I was going a date—not a therapy session."
"Spencer." Dr. Black said
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to be able to talk to Ashley without getting too emotional, so I thought a safe space would be best." Spence said.
"Spencer places can be safe by the atmosphere that is made for it; however, people have to be open and willing for those places to be safe too. Therapy and any other healing method cannot work if a person is tricked or force into it. The person has to be willing and open. I've seen people go to therapy for years and change not one thing. I've seen people come for two months and changed a life time. The difference was the work they do outside of these sessions."
Spence shake her head in agreement, and I think I like this therapist. Not in a dating way of course.
"Ashley, if you don't want to be in this session you don't have to." Dr. Black said.
"Yeah, Ash. I didn't want to trick you. I'm sorry. I thought of what you said when you first showed up to my mom's place. And to answer your question- I am tired of fighting with you. I thought this could be a place we could lay it all out on the table." Spence said.
"Okay. Let's do it." I said.
"You sure?" They both said.
"Yeah."
"Ashley, when I asked you to leave it didn't mean I wanted you gone. What I mean is I didn't mean forever I just meant for now and I didn't realize until we were apart. I realized even more when I lied about still being with Carmen. I didn't say that I was with her because I wanted you to go. I said it to try to stop myself from falling so hard again. I don't know if I can give myself fully to you and have you leave again."
"Ashley, do you have something you would like to say?" Dr. Black said
"Spence, I love you. I know now that sometimes I do a terrible job at showing it during rough patches. Something that I didn't realize, because we didn't have any for three years."
"I love you too, Ash."
The words fill my stomach and I debate telling her the rest, but I know I have too.
"Spence."
"Yes, Ash?"
"All on the table, right?"
"Yes, Ashley."
She nods and look at me with her warm blue eyes. I close my eyes and let out a soft sigh before speaking.
"I went back to Helen after our breakup and dated Kelly briefly. I slept with them both. They didn't mean anything."
I say the last part trying to fill the silence
"Like that makes it better." She said
After the session the doctor suggested we try to start over by dating and getting to know each other again, plus meet once a week with her.
We walked to a Coffee shop nearby for our new first date.
"This Chai tea isn't as good as mine." I said
"Your chai tea back home?"
"Yeah"
I say with a brow raised encouraging her to continue.
"When are you going back home." She said
"Do, you want me to go back?"
"I'm not saying that. I just want to know when I have to prepared to say goodbye again."
"Spence, I'll moved to Ohio if I have to." I said
"Move to Ohio?!" she said
"Yeah, if Ohio is where you are then that's where I'll be."
"I wasn't mad that you slept with Helen and Kelly. I pretty much expected it." She said.
"So, what are you mad at?"
"I was mad at everything. My mom, my dad—"
"Your dad?"
"Yeah, he loved me, and he supported me, but now after months of therapy and self-reflection-self-reflection mostly, I realize he allowed my mom to do all those awful things while growing up. And now that he's gone, I can't even tell him how mad I am about it." She said.
I reach out my hand offering her support and she takes it. I feel my shoulder fall and the tension melt at the touch of her hand. I look at her soft blue eyes and see her shoulders drop too. We both are breathing softer now. I finally speak.
"It's funny how we both like to escape, huh?"
"Yeah, how I escaped in you and you in me which made it easy for both of us to run when shit got real." She said
"Omg! Spence, you cussed?"
"Well, like you said, sometimes shit is the perfect word to describe the situation."
We smile and continue holding each other's hand and only letting it go for a restroom break now and then. We don't leave the shop until they nicely kicked us off when they started closing.
"Spence, I can help you pay the $25-dollar parking ticket."
"No, Ashley. It was worth it to be with you today."
I squeeze her hand as she drives us to her house. We get to the house and stand at the front door.
"Well, here we are." I said
I lean close to her lips and can faintly smell her rose oil on her neck.
"Ash, wait. I don't want to do anything physical yet until we re-connect"
"That's what I'm trying to do." I said
I lean closer and she is laying on the front door.
"I mean, re-connect emotionally and build a strong foundation to get through the rough patches when they come, like Dr. Blackman said."
I lean off of her and let out a groan.
"Ugh! You had to mention the D word"
"D-word?" She said
"Doctor." I said
"Ash."
She comes close to me and look at me while titling her head slightly.
"Yes." I said.
"I wanted be physical with you too. I want to kiss you, touch you, make love to you for hours and hours."
I move in closer and our lips and brushing against each other
"Yeah?" I said
"Yeah. But I want this last breakup to be the last one- ever."
"Okay." I said
It's been three months and I make sure to call Kayla every day and update her as well as video chat with my Niece. I also have to call Chocolate at least once a weak, so she won't kick my ass.
"Ash, it's your birthday, how you are you feeling about it." Kyla says.
"I feel okay. My pussy a little sad though."
"Ashley!"
She covers my niece's ears and look at me with squinted eyes.
"Sorry, sorry. I mean, I feel that Spence and I are in a good place, but I'm not sure if she's going to give me any birthday cake, if you know what I mean."
"How long she expects you to wait? Shit, ya'll fucked on the first night." Chelsea said
"Chocolate, that's why she wants to wait. Not that having sex should have a time frame, even Dr. Black said that there is no time frame, and that it should happen when both parties are ready. But Spence and I agree that we both get so lost in the sex that we lose sight of reality sometimes. So, we're trying to see if we can have a foundation to stand on when were no longer floating in the air."
"we, Vanilla? Or just Spencer. Chocolate you got to chill. Spence has done some things in the past, but we both trying here."
"Okay, okay. I just want you happy, Vanilla."
"I know, Chocolate."
"Well, I got to get back to running the Café since you abandon ship."
"I didn't abandon ship. And did you hire an assistant manager to help you out?"
"Yeah, Kyla. That's why I'm here."
"Kyla? I thought you were there to visit our niece." I said
"Well, that too, but Kyla is great and she's there all the time anyway. Anyway, call me later Ash. And this doesn't count as our weekly call."
She tells Kyla she'll be in the car and blows me a kiss goodbye.
"If, you don't want me to do the job I won't."
"It's not that. I just thought you wanted to sing?"
"I love singing, but not as a career. I like to be behind the scenes more and besides being at the Café makes me miss you less."
"Well, you have my full support little sis."
I hang up the phone and my heart aches for my love ones in LA. I do miss home.
"Hey, Ashee bear."
I feel her arms around my waste as she gentle kiss me on my cheek. I feel my panties fill with wetness. I lean into her chest and she rest her head on mind.
"Hey Spence Kitten"
"I made you your favorite breakfast and my mom promised she wouldn't touch it."
"Hey, I'm still salty about that."
We laugh as I get up and hold her hand as we walk to the kitchen.
That night I'm looking at the stars in the sky and miss LA more. You definitely can't see one star through the fog and city lights.
"Babe." Spence said
"Yeah,"
"I made you dinner. Are you ready to eat?"
"Absolutely" I said
I hope into her arms. I step back to look at her and give her a nose crinkle meeting her head tilt before we head down stairs.
"Surprise!" Aiden, Kyla, and Chelsea say
"Omg!" what are ya'll doing here?
"Spencer flew us out for the weekend." Aiden said
"Maddison and Jimmy are holding down the Café, so that's why they couldn't be here." Kyla said
"Wait, so Ky are you going to be the assistant Manager for the Café or not?"
"Well, at first it was something to cover up me and Chels driving together, but when telling you how I felt and receiving your approval now I really want to do it."
"You should." I said
I take my niece from her and bounce her in her arms.
"I wanted to bring a piece of LA to you so you wouldn't be homesick."
"Spence, how did you know?"
"Because, I love you and I know how much you love LA. Plus my mom helped pay for the plane tickets."
"Paula?!" I said
Offering her the biggest smile.
"I thought it's the least I could do seeing how much you spent on underwear for me."
We all laugh and I counting loving on my little niece as she smiles bright on my knee.
"Ash, she's finally asleep." Spence said
"Spence, you know you didn't have to watch her. Although you two looks stunning together."
"I know Ash, but if-when we work out, she'll be my niece too."
I could feel my lips spread across my face to my ear. I put my arms around her waist and laid my head on hers while we both looked at our niece.
"Thank you for everything today." I said
"Of course. I wanted to bring a bit of LA to you since you are away from it."
The next three days were great as the gang and I rode horses. Spence made us brunch and Dinner every day and we would all lay in the grass to look up at the stars at night.
"You happy, Ash?" Kyla said.
"Yeah, I am."
"What are you going to do if she doesn't come back to LA? Can you see yourself living here?"
"I don't know. What I do know is I can't see myself living without her."
I look over to Spence who is at the firepit on the other side of the yard making smores and my heart melts like the marshmallow on her stick.
"Well, I visit once a month if you do stay."
"Me too." Chelsea said
"Me three." Aiden said
"Nah, you can stay in LA, Aiden" I said
"Ouch, Ash." He said
"I'm kidding. I guess." I said
That night she let me in her room, and we cuddled. It was so hard to be so close and not be able to go deeper, but it was nice to be able to hold and kiss her. The next day I started working at the coffee shop we reconnected at and showed them how to make a proper chai tea.
It was summer time in the country said and it was nice to get morning smoothies that Spence would make from the season fruit from the trees.
"Spence you ready for pride, tomorrow?"
"Yup, I didn't even know they had one out here growing up."
She looks down at her shoes and I pick up her chain slowly up with my fingers.
"What's wrong, Kitten?"
"I just wish my mom would come. Yeah, she is making progress, but why won't she share this with me."
"Baby, I know it hurts. Just give her a bit more time."
"Okay." She said
That night I knock on Paula's door
"Come in" Paula said.
"Hey, Paula."
"Hey, Ash."
She taps the seat next to her and I sit down.
"Why aren't you going to pride?"
"I don't know, Ash"
She wipes her flush face and smiles at me weakly
"What are you afraid of? Spence is already gay."
We both laugh.
"Look, you come tomorrow as my guess, and if it gets overwhelming, I'll bring you back. One step at a time is all we can ask for."
"Okay, Ash. I'll sleep on it."
I walk to Spences room.
"Hey." She said
"Hey, can I come in."
"Yeah, I've been waiting for you."
"Have you?"
She nods and scoots over so I can get in the bed.
"What were you doing?"
"Just wanted to say goodnight to Paula."
"I love you Ashee Bear."
"I love you more Spence kitten."
Spence come downstairs the next morning and sees Paula and I standing there waiting for her as Paula holds the rainbow flag weaving it.
"Omg! Mom, are you coming with us?"
"Yeah."
"What made you change your mind?"
"Your very wise girlfriend. I see why you love her."
"Yeah, I do."
The both smile at me and feel the warmth in my cheeks.
"Well come on, you two."
Pride was nice and small definitely different from LA as it wasn't as flashy, but the love and acceptance were the same plus all the signs. Paula did well and stayed the whole time. Spence and I were very proud of her and her far she has come to accept her daughter.
"Mom, thank you for coming tonight." Spence said
"I'm glad I did." Paula said
"I know a parent doesn't have to come to pride to support her daughter. I don't even have to go to pride to accept myself. Pride doesn't certify your queerness, but it was nice to share that moment with you."
"Ditto."
They both laugh and I go up to my room.
I hear a knock on my door that night and open it to find Spence with a trench coat and nothing underneath. I let her in closing the door behind her. The next morning, I watch her sleep as I brush her hair with my hand. She starts to open her eyes as she turns to look at me.
"Ashley?"
"Hey, Sleepy head."
"Hey, Ashee bear."
"Not that I'm complaining but what made you decided to have sex yester, and please tell me they'll be more of it."
"Yeah, there will. Ashley, when I saw you with my mom yester I knew things were different. I knew we we're different"
As the months passed, I became the manager of the coffee shop Spence and I had our second first date. Spence started teaching psychology at the local college. Paula finally decided to date her boo who is a really nice sweet guy. She definitely knows how to pick them.
"What do you want to do for your birthday, Spence?"
"I was thinking we go back to LA?"
"It would be a nice to visit and we can find a nice restaurant." I said
"No Ash, I mean let's go home."
"What?! You sure, Spence?"
"Yeah, you been here almost a year and we been working on us. Plus, I'm ready to continue our lives."
"What about your job?"
"I can find work in LA. Besides I miss the city and more importantly I miss us in the city."
"And then what happen?"
I look at a head full of curly hair with big brown eyes. I give her a nose crinkle that she gives back.
"Delilah, why do you ask me to tell you this story every Christmas just to interrupt me."
"She gets excited, Ashley. Give my baby a break" Kyla Says
"I know. I just messing with my niece—who is so big."
She hops in my arms and I sit her on my lap as I wrap around her.
"Well, Delilah. Your Aunt Spence and I came back to LA where I proposed, and she said yes. We've been married ever since. You're seven, so that means we've been married six years. Your lovely Grandma Paula, and her boo came to live in LA after Spence got Pregnant with your baby cousins Arthur and Barbra. And she stayed to be closer and does tours her research at all the colleges in the area"
"Can I hold baby Barbara and Arthur?"
"Yes, you can. Go sit down and I'll place them gently in your arms."
I stand there watching my niece be selfish with the babies as her mother tries to hold one. I see Paula and the boo cuddle in the arm chair. I look to my right at Chelsea and Maddison whisper about their new babe they're inviting in the relationship. I turn to my left and see Jimmy talking to Aiden about his new girlfriend. I look in front of me to Spence calling me over with her finger. I go to her and my heart is so full from all the love around me.
A/N: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for reading. Ya'll come have been anywhere doing anything, but ya'll chose to be here with me and my story. I appreciate you all.