Headcanon: it's fanworks day or smthn, so this is LC fanfiction (again) and a special anniversary present (IT'S BEEN A YEAR!)
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In a random space (or was it a random time), two sisters and five other entities sat at a table. One was bubbly yet vaguely evil, a second was intelligent and oddly self-aware, a third was lawyerish, yet not too much - more kingly if you really thought about it - and the fourth wore all grey, and seemed very old. The two sisters were exactly as you would expect. One was incapable of individuality, and the other was incapable of relaxation. They all existed, of course, yet they did not. For what were their lives but fanfiction of fanfiction of a television show that was, in fact, fanfiction itself?
For originality is not real.
They had all gathered for a pastime that wasn't exactly the most ordinary. The pinkish, not-quite-lawyery man had a six-sided die in his hand, and was about to roll for initiative. The initiative in question was who would get up to go get the recently-delivered pizza.
"Are you aware that by doing this, you'll not only be creating six different timelines, but also doing a bad copy of an iconic idea?"
The third one had no number, thus could not really be the third. Instead, everyone else had numbers. He was alone in his non-numerationalness. The bubbly blonde was one, the self-aware, computery one was two, the forkish one was three, the blonde sister was four, the brunette was five, and the previously-forgotten athlete in a crop top was six. The lawyery man grinned as he tossed the die into the air.
"Sure I am."
TIMELINE FIVE
The brunette sister got up to go grab the pizza, and things escalated quickly. Except nothing escalated at all. Four - the other sister - turned on the radio. Carry On Wayward Son came on, and, Four being Four, she began to sing. "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOON!" she sang.
"Oh, please to be shutting of the up," muttered N/A. He got up to turn the radio off, and hit his head, nearly sending everything flying. Thankfully, Two caught the table just in time.
"You're lucky this isn't a darker timeline," they said suspiciously. N/A grumbled.
"I think I have a concussion," he complained, smacking the radio to turn it off.
One suddenly remembered she'd left pies in the oven, and rushed off to get them. Four, annoyed at being shuttupped shuttuppingly, ran off to the bathroom to definitely not smoke weed. "A bird in the hand beats around the bush," she said sadly.
"This is more unexpected than the time I, an aromantic asexual, had sexual intercourse with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom," said Three.
Six suddenly looked sick. He ran off to the bathroom as fast as he could, pushing past a weedish Four. "GOTTA PUKE!" he yelled.
"Should there be a noise here?" said N/A. "I feel like we're missing something."
Five returned, carrying the pizza. "That pizza man was kinda creepy."
"So was the time I had s-"
"SHUT UP ARNOLD"
"Who the hell is Arnold?"
Five put the pizza down. "Dubloons and Dragoons, huh?"
One brought the pies to the table. "Pizza pie and pie pie!" she said. "This is fixin' to be a great night."
And it was.
"I wonder what happens in all those other timelines?" said Two, at the end of the night.
"There are no other timelines," said N/A.
TIMELINE TWO
The pretty girl, the one with black hair and gorgeous ocean eyes, got up to grab the pizza. Four switched on the radio. It was playing her favorite song. "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD-"
"SHUT YOUR FACE!" yelled N/A. He got up to turn the radio off, but knocked everything off the table. Character sheets, characters, character traits, Japanese characters, and a couple of strange looking forks went flying everywhere. Nobody was there to catch them (ominously), and N/A nearly impaled himself on one of the forks. "Ow."
"Ugh. Seriously?" said Four. She got up to totally not go smoke weed in the bathroom. "You're harshing my buzz."
"We might as well not play," said Three. "Just like how I, an aromantic asexual, might as well have not had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom."
Six suddenly looked very throwuppish, and ran off to the bathroom, bursting through the door before Four could register what was going on. Five screamed like a moose.
One went up to go grab her pies from the oven. By the time she returned, Two was back. "That pizza man was kinda creepy."
"So was the time I-"
"God, shuddup," said somebody.
"I wonder if we played Dubloons and Dragoons in any of the other timelines," said Two, looking disappointed.
"Shut up^2"
TIMELINE FOUR
The blonde sister got up to go get the pizza.
"I guess I drew the shallow end of the gene stick."
Nobody switched on the radio. Nobody thus told the blonde to shut up. Instead, N/A decided the room was getting a bit quiet, so he went to switch on the radio. However, he slipped on a poorly-placed banana peel, and sent the entire table flying. With Mystery-Spot-like grace, Two grabbed the table and steadied it. "You're welcome."
"Thanks, nerd," said N/A.
"You know who wasn't a nerd?" said Three. "Eartha Kitt. I, an aromantic asexual, had sex with her in an airplane bathroom."
Six got up to run to the bathroom, but N/A was lying exactly where he was trying to run. He went sprawling, and spewed the contents of his stomach all over the nicely-carpeted floor.
"Gross," said One. To avoid the situation, she got up to go get her pies out of the oven.
Five made a moose noise.
Four returned, carrying a pizza. "That pizza man was kinda hot," she said.
"Not as hot as E-"
"SHUT UPPPP," said Five. She groaned and leaned back in her chair. "Someone's gotta clean up that disgusting vomit pile over there."
They had a decently enjoyable evening. It was really gross, having to clean up Six's vomit, but they survived. Nobody touched the pies, though. The filling was a bit too...tentacley. Really. That vomit had been gross.
As Two played her last roll, she had an interesting thought. "I wonder if we had to clean up vomit in all the other timelines," she said.
"This is real life, bro. There are no other timelines," said N/A, eating all the dice.
"Is it, though?" asked Two.
TIMELINE THREE
The die tumbled to the table, proudly announcing a three to the world.
"Fine, I'll go get it, I literally always draw the short straw. It probably happened in all the other timelines too."
Two shook her head as Three sighed and trudged out to retrieve the pizza.
Four clicked on the radio next to her, playing her favorite song, "carry on my wayward-"
"No."
Four folded her arms, "It's classical. You can't appreciate good music." She stomped off to go do normal bathroom things in the bathroom. Six looked to N/A to help, he just shook his head.
"Well I'm going to help her." Six got up and followed Four to the bathroom.
"I can't believe this godawful song." N/A nearly avoided a single obstacle on his way to turn off the radio, but alas it was not meant to be. Thankfully, Two caught the table before everything came crashing down.
Four took out a joint from her bag and was about to light it when Six knocked on the door.
"I'm just... doing... girl stuff."
Six opened the door anyway, which under normal circumstances would be way worse, but he was sure that all she was doing inside was smoking. He grabbed his own pack of cigarettes from inside his baseball cap, placing one in his mouth.
"You think of me as an adult right?" He asked, somewhat distorted.
"Sure, 'The tough thing about adulthood is it starts before you even know it starts' (Robert Redford) Why wouldn't you be an adult?"
Six bit into his cigarette, finishing it off in only a couple bites. "It's just, it seems like ever since we moved in here, we've had the biggest reality check of our lives. I'm not sure I'm ready for it."
"Probably not, you've basically spent your whole life acting like kids, it doesn't make much sense to be sent into such a mature setting so soon."
"We should never have tried to move into our own apartment."
Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of Three returning, pizza in hand. Everyone went back to gather at the main table, sitting around delicious pizza and pies.
Five excitedly made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a wail, that nobody was able to place.
"That pizza man was kinda weird. But I guess not as weird as her."
"I wonder if you called me weird in the other timelines."
Three grinned "I know what definitely happened in the other timelines..."
TIMELINE SIX
Six scowled at the die on the table, and reluctantly got up. "See you guys," he grumbled. But, determined not to miss anything, he ran down the hall with as much enthusiasm as usual. He shot out the door and down the elevator shaft, not even noticing his broken leg as he grabbed the pizza from - nope, that wasn't a pizza. That was a bag of dog crap. "Where's the door?"
"Over there?" said a very annoyed woman holding a mushy bag of dog crap. Six shook off his hand and ran towards the door.
"SUP!" he yelled at the pizza man.
"Mary Winchester burning on the ceiling," he said.
"Huh?"
"Huh."
The pizza man was, well, a man. Which meant he wasn't that attractive - but, he was. To Six. Six totally wasn't gay, but if he had been gay, the pizza man would've been the height of handsomeness. He had a long, gray greasy beard, dripping with more grease than braided grease itself. Six sighed dreamily, gazing into his yellow eyes. "Ooh, sexy," he said, and then began to sing a Zara Larsson song where the main premise was letting some guy ruin your life.
"Uh, Dubloons and Dragoons? That's the name I've got on my order. What the hell are you singing?"
"I WANT YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE YOU TO RUIN MY PLANET!" sang Six, unaware that that last part was not actually part of the song. Four had told him it was.
"Uh," said the pizza man. "Is there a babysitter here?"
Six decided he had to act sexy. "No," he said, batting his eyelashes. "But I can be a babysitter if you want me to, babe."
"Just take the pizza," harrumphed the pizza man, shoving the box into poor not-babysitter Six's hand. Six sighed, but, not wanting to miss anything, ran back upstairs as fast as he could.
As soon as he burst through the apartment door, he knew something was wrong. The pizza had pineapples on it. Then he realized everything was on fire.
"COME OUT OF THE F*ING CLOSET!" someone yelled in the background.
Four retorted, "IT'S SAFE IN HERE! FIRE CAN'T GO THROUGH WALLS, IT'S NOT GHOSTS!"
"IT'S F*ING FIRE, YOU DILLWEED!"
"Fire is just weakness leaving the body!"
"You know who else was on fire?" Three piped up.
"PLEASE DON'T SAY EARTHA KITT!" said Three.
"Why did you just reply to your own statement?" said Three.
"I WONDER IF EVERYONE GOT LIT ON F*ING FIRE IN THE OTHER TIMELINES?"
TIMELINE ONE
"I guess It's my turn to get it, because a world leader and politician certainly doesn't have enough on her plate!" One grinned her usual bubbly smile. "Someone get my pies for me!"
One slipped out the door, and Four saw this as the perfect time to click on the radio.
"Carry on-"
"Not right now."
"You don't want to listen to music. Shocking." Four scoffed.
"You know what's shocking in a non-sarcastic way? I, an aromantic asexual, had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom."
"I think I'm gonna barf." Six beat Four on her way to the bathroom, so she just stayed in her chair listening to the radio.
"Turn that stupid song off."
"No thanks."
"I wasn't asking."
"Statements are just questions you haven't met yet."
N/A got up to click off the radio, knocking into the table with a thud. But Two caught it just in time.
"Don't worry, the game's fine." Two assured.
"Yeah because I'm sure everyone cares about the sake of the game and nothing else," N/A grumbled.
It was then that One returned from her quest for pizza, she set it down on the table in front of them.
"Where did you guys put my pies?"
Five made a depleted moose noise.
"I wonder if we forgot the pies in the other timelines."
WE RETURN TO THE PRIME TIMELINE
The dice dropped through the air like a stone, and landed with a thud on Two's outstretched hand.
"There's enough chaos in our world, we might as well control what we can, and not take for granted the things that we know will always be true." She started, "Melissa will always bake. Dana will always reveal unnecessary details about their sex life. Eleanor will always try to get high in the bathroom. Angela will always make a moose noise. Richard will always throw up. And Roy will always be a conniving son of a bitch."
"Sarah!"
"There are six sides to a die, and seven of us. He devised a system in which he never has to get the pizza."
"Well he's going to get the pizza now," Eleanor remarked.
Roy pushed away from the table and stood up, hitting his head on a nearby ceiling fan. The whole group let out a communal giggle.
"Why are you laughing?" Roy asked.
"It was funny," Angela informed him, "N/A, haha."
"Not as funny as when I, an aromantic asexual, had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom," Richard gagged and ran to the bathroom.
Melissa made her way to the kitchen, returning with a steaming plate of delicious pies. Eleanor pressed a few buttons and let music blare through the radio.
"Three's company!"
"There'll be peace when you are done." Everyone sang, between bites of the delicious pies. Angela made a long triumphant moose noise, blending it in with the beat of Kansas.
When Roy finally shoved the door open, nobody seemed much in the mood for pizza anymore, he set it on the table and grabbed himself the first piece, leaning back in his chair. "I wonder if things turned out better in those other timelines."
The rest of the group was too busy singing and dancing to hear his final, defeated, nearly silent remark.
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A/N
I hope you enjoyed a special chapter devoted entirely to references, If you're lucky we might even go into the future of how these timelines ended up. In addition to that, I didn't think anybody would be interested, but PM me if you would like a full rank of how dark each of these timelines end up (you'll probs see it if I post another chapter about how they end up, watch out for it this summer;) I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately, tbh I've had quite a bit of writers block, and I'm glad I can make it up to you with this special chapter.
If you guys are real LC fans, you probably know this already, but today is the anniversary of the creation of Ladychesters, and I'm so excited to share in the celebration with y'all!
P.S. I know that nothing about this chapter is at all original, and it's at best a cheap knockoff, but I like to think you can still enjoy reading it, because that's what fanfiction is all about, remaking a story to be your own.