Matt paused to wipe the sweat from his forehead as he tightened the splint wrap around the section of cracked exoskeleton. A few more careful adjustments and he was able to seal it, holding the damaged plates still while they healed. "There we go." He shot a reassuring smile up at the insectoid alien he'd been helping. "Just go easy on that limb while it's healing, okay? I don't want to see you back in here because you overdid it and racked your splint." The alien nodded effusively, chittering gratitude and reassurances in heavily-accented Galran that Matt just barely managed to interpret. "Glad to hear it. Head on over and get something to eat, okay? Then rest." He waved his patient off toward the carts full of food bowls that had been set up at one side of the medical dormitory, heaving a weary sigh as they left.
"All done?" The unexpected voice beside him made him jump, and he whirled to find himself face to face with Shiro, who raised an eyebrow and held out a drink pack.
"Vrekt, Takashi, don't sneak up on me like that!" Matt grumbled, accepting the drink pack gratefully. He sighed, leaning against the edge of the medical cot in order to take some of his weight off his legs.
"Sorry." Shiro chuckled, completely unrepentant. "Was that your last patient?" He asked, gesturing to the being Matt had been helping, now settled in with a group of other assorted aliens who had been rescued from the Empire battlecruiser as they ate their first decent meal in who-knew-how-long.
The ginger nodded wearily, pushing his bangs back out of his face. "Yeah. There's a few people still to be treated, but they're species who need a doctor more experienced with their needs than I am, or they don't speak Galran." Looking over at the group on the other side of the room, he huffed a soft laugh. "You know, when I did my degrees in xenobiology and medicine, this is not how I expected to end up using them."
"What, you don't like playing doctor to a thousand species of aliens?" Shiro teased, and Matt felt his heart speed up at the playful grin on the other man's face.
Grinning back, he elbowed Shiro lightly in the side. "Better aliens than Humans. Aliens actually listen to their doctor's instructions most of the time." Pushing away from the wall, he shifted his weight and winced as the dull ache in his left knee turned to something sharper. "Speaking of doctor's orders, I should go sit down for a while before Xel comes after me. I swear that woman has a sixth sense for disobedient patients, even if I'm technically not one anymore."
"Who's Xel?" Shiro asked curiously, staying close as Matt limped slowly out of the room and down the main hallway, leaning slightly against the wall for support. The paladin looked like he wanted to offer to help, but wasn't sure how it would be received, so he settled for staying close and available. Another sharp stab of pain had Matt seriously considering asking the larger man to carry him, but he resisted. Shiro was already carrying enough needless guilt over the old injury, and anyway his quarters weren't far away.
"A doctor. Hylathian species, one of the mer types. She came over from the Boiling Rock too." He gestured overhead to one of the water-filled conduits that granted the water-based species mobility throughout the ship. "When I was first brought aboard the Boiling Rock, I was a scared, injured member of an unknown species who understood about five words of Galran, all of them commands, and no other known language. They assigned me a Hylathian doctor on the theory that I'd be less scared of someone who couldn't move freely around the room, someone I could retreat from if I wanted to."
"And did you?"
Matt shrugged, pausing for a moment to rest his leg. "Only until I figured out she was a doctor. After that we got along great." He grinned fondly at the memory. Xel had tried to convey what she wanted to do by using her handheld scanner on her own hand, then showing him the display. There'd been a lot of squinting and flinching involved until he cautiously came close enough to see what was clearly a medical read-out, upon which fear was usurped by curiosity. The following several hours had been spent teaching him a handful of Galran words while she examined his leg and eye, comparing them to the undamaged ones to assess the severity of the damage damage and he did his level best to learn the ins and outs of the scanner, the first alien tech other than his manacles he'd had the chance to see up close. "She's a bit of a mom friend, to be honest. Always fussing over me, trying to make sure that I'm not missing anything I need to be healthy."
Shiro chuckled. "I'm glad to hear that." He said softly, pacing alongside as Matt started moving again. "It's a relief to know that you've had people looking out for you."
"Pack is family, and I've been considered part of the pack for quite a while now." The younger explained, turning a corner and stopping in front of a door. The nameplate displayed his name, Matthew Holt, and his occupation aboard the ship, medic, in four different languages: the tangled curls of Altean, the angular symbols of H'ress'wr, the odd swoops and jags of Galran, and the comparatively simple, familiar characters of English. Pushing open the door, he revealed a cozy set of living quarters, a unmade bed on one wall across from a desk and chair and a second door that led to a bathroom. "Come on in, make yourself at home."
"These are your quarters?" Shiro followed hesitantly as Matt limped inside, sinking onto the edge of the bed with a sigh of relief as he stretched his bad leg out in front of him. After a moment's consideration the paladin flipped the chair around so he could sit facing him, resting his elbows on his knees.
Matt nodded, focused on pulling at the fabric of his pant leg to get at the hidden zipper around the thigh. "Yeah. Standard single quarters for most humanoid species. Really easy to customize for species needs, like different lighting or wall colours. Did you know Alteans prefer aquamarine lighting because they evolved under a blue giant star?" Undoing the fastener he pulled the leg of the garment down and out of the way. The familiar sight of his damaged leg greeted him, the smooth metal of the brace that supported the joint gleaming in the overhead lights. He unstrapped it with practiced fingers, putting the brace carefully aside before starting to massage the sore tissue around his knee, letting out a soft hiss of discomfort at the sharp ache. He'd definitely been on it too much today.
It was Shiro's silence that got his attention, and Matt's head jerked up again to the sight of sickened horror on the paladin's face. Following the direction of the other man's gaze, his eyes landed on the scar on his leg. It was thick and ropey from lack of proper care and from splitting and reopening repeatedly while it was healing, starting high on the outside of the knee and curving down and forward along the side and out onto his shin. Matt was so used to the sight he barely registered it anymore, and in his hurry to get the brace off he'd forgotten that his friend hadn't seen it yet.
The man in question had gone white as a sheet, staring at Matt's leg with anguish and guilt written plainly across his face. Matt didn't have to be psychic to guess at the memory playing out in Shiro's mind, or the thoughts running through his head. "Takashi…" He began, softly, trying to forestall the inevitable self-recriminations.
Shiro beat him to it before he could. "God, Matt…" He swallowed hard, and Matt could see the shine of tears in his eyes. "I can't believe I...I'm so sorry, Matt, I can't believe I did this to you…"
"Takashi, it's fine, really-"
"No it isn't! I did that to you, I hurt you so badly-"
"Seriously, it wasn't-"
"And you're still hurting because of what I did, don't think I haven't seen you wincing when you walk-"
"Yes, but-"
"I don't know how you can even stand to be around me now-"
Okay, that was enough of that. Matt took a deep breath. "Takashi Shoichi Shirogane would you shut the fuck up and let me speak!" He bellowed, doing his best imitation of his mother on a royal tear. It worked instantly, Shiro's mouth snapping shut with an audible click as he stared at Matt, eyes wide. "Thank you." Matt cleared his throat, giving Shiro a warning stare. "Now then. Are you going to hear me out about this or not?"
Shiro gave a slow nod, still looking distinctly upset, and Matt sighed.
"First of all, let's make one thing clear. The original wound you gave me was nowhere near this bad. Lack of medical care and slogging around in thick mud at the mines made it a lot worse, both in terms of appearance and damage. None of that was in any way your fault. Understand?" His friend looked a little rebellious, but nodded when Matt fixed him with another sharp look.
"Second, you seem to be forgetting the reason you injured me in the first place." The ginger levelled his gaze at Shiro. "To keep me out of the arena. If I'd been sent in there against that monster, I wouldn't be hurt, I would be dead. You injured my leg in order to save my life, Takashi, and you have no idea how grateful I am."
"Grateful? For my crippling you?" Matt made an exasperated noise, smacking a palm to his face. God save him from cute men with great asses who insisted on carrying blame for everything.
"If that's what you want to call it, then yes." He confirmed, rolling his eyes in mild annoyance. Shiro looked confused and dismayed, opening his mouth to argue again, but Matt interrupted him before he could. "Look, I've had a lot of time to think about this over the last two years, so just hear me out, okay?" The paladin subsided, giving a sharp nod and gesturing for him to continue.
"When I first got rescued by the Icebringers, I was pretty scared for a while. Remember, I spoke all of five words of Galran and the only non-Galra I'd ever seen were prisoners like me. I didn't know who they were, or what they wanted from me. Xel seemed nice enough, but that didn't mean anything. For all I knew they were the deep-space equivalent of pirates, raiding the Empire for supplies and slaves, and I was no better off than before. As bad as it sounds, there were a few times I almost wished I could just go back to the mine, because at least there I knew what the score was, knew what to expect and what was expected of me. The Boiling Rock was new and unpredictable and it was terrifying."
"For a while I was mostly trying to learn alien body languages for dozens of different species completely on the fly, with no frame of reference, because I was terrified of getting hurt for doing the wrong thing because I couldn't read any of these people. I learned that for Galra emotions you watch the ears, not the face. I learned that H'ress raise or lower their tails instead of nodding or shaking their heads. I learned that Hylathians incorporate the movement of the water around them into their body language. Things like that. And once I could communicate, I kept on learning, bits and pieces of language, culture, evolutionary history."
He paused for a moment, staring distantly at the wall as he considered his next words. "Then one day, once I had a half-decent grasp of the language, I ended up seeing a traditional H'ress ceremony where they were honouring one of their hunters for something they'd done on a mission that apparently saved a lot of lives. There was chanting, and drumming, and a ritual tattoo-that's how they get the dyed fur, like Shiiar'keh has. It's a symbol of immense honour. And it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen, a millenias-old alien culture up close and personal. And that's when I realized, that I was the first Human ever to see this. The first Human to learn any of the things I'd learned. Hell, I was conversational in a language that evolved in an entirely different galaxy, and starting to learn two others! And I wouldn't have been alive to see or learn any of it if Takashi Shirogane hadn't traded his life for mine in the Empire arena."
"After that, this scar became a symbol for me." Matt said quietly, gaze falling to his leg as he traced over the scar with careful fingers. "A symbol of the incredible gift you gave me that day. Maybe I would never see home again-Earth wasn't in the Icebringer charts, so they couldn't take me home even though they wanted to-but I was alive."
Matt lifted his head, locking his gaze on Shiro's dark eyes, which were wide with surprise. "Yes, you cut my leg open that day. Yes, it never healed properly due to lack of care. Yes, it does hurt more often than not and I limp and can't go far or fast without either help or pain. But that's okay. Because by cutting my leg open that day, you saved my life. Thanks to you, I'm alive to feel that pain. I'm alive to grieve for my dad, I'm alive to miss home. I'm alive to learn alien languages and alien biology and alien cultures. I'm alive to see things no Human ever has and maybe ever will."
He gave a soft laugh, rubbing at his eyes as he felt tears pricking at the corners. "And now you're here. And I'm alive to appreciate Keith punching Iverson in the face for you, and Hunk's cooking, and Lance's impressive manicures. I'm alive to hold my beautiful baby sister in my arms, and tell her I love her, and see the incredible young woman she's already started to grow into."
"And," he continued, taking a deep breath. "I'm alive to tell you how much I've missed you. I'm alive to tell you how incredibly, indescribably grateful I am for what you did for me, and everything you sacrificed for me." He shot a pointed look at Shiro's right arm, where the sleeve of his bodysuit concealed the Galra prosthetic Katie had told him about, courtesy of Haggar herself when the arena had nearly gotten the better of the man. "I'm alive to tell you you're full of shit for trying to feel guilty for this and I'm alive to repeat that fact as many times as it takes until it finally sinks into your thick skull."
Shiro's cheeks reddened slightly, but he remained silent. He seemed almost overwhelmed by Matt's story, by the way he saw the impairment the older man had inflicted on him.
Hesitating for a moment, Matt broke eye contact and looked away. "And last but definitely not least," he said softly, his words still carrying in the silence of the room, "I'm alive to tell you that I love you. I've been in love with you for years, ever since that day you caught me booby-trapping that one professor's desk for being a dick to some of the younger cadets and instead of turning me in, even though you barely knew me yet, you asked how you could help." He smiled fondly to himself at the memory. With an extra set of willing hands they had successfully made the professor's life deservedly miserable until he'd ended up transferring to another branch, to the relief of nearly everyone. "I'm not expecting you to return my feelings, and if you don't then nothing has to change between us. But I spent two years believing that you'd died for me and I never had the guts to tell you how I felt, so I'm doing it now, because you're alive and I'm alive and we're together and I can." The last words came out in a rush and he finally fell silent, trying to catch his breath.
There was a long silence. Matt fidgeted with his leg brace as he avoided looking at Shiro, poking at the screws and trying to distract himself by making sure they were all tight. The words he'd been bottling up for years were out there now, hanging in the air between them, and he felt simultaneously nauseous and elated.
A feather light touch on his chin startled him into looking up, and then there were lips on his.
For about half a second, Matt's brain short circuited completely. Then he realized, yes, those really were lips pressed against his. Shiro's lips. Takashi Shirogane was kissing him. At that point instinct took over and he leaned into the kiss, dropping the brace into his lap as his hands automatically came up to cup the older man's cheeks.
It was soft and chaste and over too soon as Shiro pulled back, staring at him with a sort of hesitant awe, a tiny smile that somehow managed to light up his whole face.
"You just kissed me." Matt pointed out. He promptly wanted to smack himself, but his brain was still a skipping CD playing the words Takashi just kissed you. The guy you've been in love with for years just kissed you on repeat, so he supposed he should be glad he'd gotten out a coherent sentence at all.
"I did." Shiro sounded equally surprised with himself, but no less pleased, his cheeks dusted red.
The younger hesitated, slowly moving his brace off to the side again. "Does that...do you…" He tried to find the words, but they tangled on his tongue as hope warred with fear.
"Yes." The paladin said simply, moving from his slight crouch in front of him to sit beside him on the edge of the bed, smoothing the blankets beside him in a gesture of uncharacteristic nervousness that Matt couldn't help but find oddly sweet. "You're not the only one who was shy about confessing their feelings." He admitted, his blush darkening as he chuckled awkwardly. "I think I fell even longer ago than you did."
"How long?" Matt couldn't help but ask. His heart was pounding in his chest, and if it hadn't been for the persistent ache of his bad knee, he would have wondered if he was dreaming.
Shiro smiled, his eyes full of loving admiration. "Remember that day you stayed up all night helping those freshmen cram for their astronomy final even though you had a biochem exam the next morning?" Matt groaned at the memory and nodded. Half an hour before the exam he'd resorted to a medically-unsound combination of energy drinks and espresso that managed to draw horrified looks even from other double-majors and hadn't slept for the rest of exam week, but the grateful hugs later from the freshmen had been more than worth it. "I watched you talking about constellations and black holes and neutron stars and the way you talked about them could have made a mole fall in love with the sky. And the look on your face, like you could see them all around you...that was when I realized I loved you."
It was Matt's turn to look at Shiro in awe. That was what the other man saw when he looked at him? He was so used to being brushed off as a nerd, a dork, an awkward gangly geek...and Shiro looked at his passion and thought it was beautiful. But then, Shiro saw the beauty in everything, it was one of the reasons Matt had fallen for him in the first place. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" He asked finally.
"Honestly? I thought you were too good for me." His friend admitted, scratching his cheek nervously. At Matt's incredulous look, he elaborated. "You're incredibly smart, and you love to learn about anything and everything. You're incredibly kind, like that thing with the freshmen, and you never seem to dislike anyone without a very good reason. Hence why I helped you prank that teacher, by the way." He smiled. "You're witty, loyal, generous, loving, handsome...I could go on all night. And I was just some piloting student."
Matt let out a strangled noise, his cheeks burning crimson after Shiro's description of him. "Just some piloting student?!" He exclaimed, outraged that the paladin didn't seem to see how incredible he himself was. "Takashi, you were never 'just some piloting student'. You were a prodigy, they kept having to program new sims because you beat everything they threw at you, even the ones you shouldn't have been able to. That's why they selected you to go to Kerberos, even over older, more experienced pilots." The other looked like he was about to object, but the ginger was on a roll. "And even though you were incredibly talented, everybody liked you because you were kind and helpful and the nicest guy ever, not to mention hot as hell. I think every single person on campus wanted to date you, be you, or both, honestly."
"I'm really not…" Shiro tried to put in, equally red-faced.
"You are." Matt insisted firmly. He studied the other man thoughtfully, comparing him to his memory of the man he'd been the last time they saw each other, younger and unscarred. Older, wearier, but still handsome, still kind. "You're the kind of guy who takes the unruly, socially awkward problem student under his wing and gives him someone he can trust and feel safe with, someone to consider a brother. You're the kind of guy who sees an evil overlord terrorizing the universe and immediately steps forward to fight against him, even against insane odds, because it's the right thing to do. And you're the kind of guy who throws himself at certain death so someone else can live," he gestured to his leg again, inwardly amused at the way the conversation had come almost full circle, "go through actual hell for a year being tortured, experimented on, and forced to kill, and afterwards, apologize to the person you protected for-"
He was cut off again by another kiss, held longer than the first, and when Shiro pulled back Matt could see that he was crying, tears shining on his cheeks.
"You always did see the good in people." Shiro gave an odd, watery laugh, naked admiration in his gaze before it dropped to his arm, the right arm, the Galran prosthetic Katie had told him about. The weapon Haggar had given him, and tried to turn him into.
Matt immediately reached out, putting a hand over Shiro's. "That doesn't make you a bad person, Takashi." He said softly. "Neither do the things you've had to do, in the arena or in this war. Doing what you do, killing is necessary sometimes. What matters is who, and why. In the arena you had no choice, and I know you well enough to know you never, ever let your opponent suffer, did you?" The paladin gave a slow nod, lifting his gaze for a moment before dropping it to their joined hands. "And in battle, you were protecting. Your team, innocents, people who couldn't protect themselves. You are still a good man, Takashi. You're still every inch the man I fell in love with."
The older man drew in a shuddering breath, hiding his face for a moment with his free hand. Matt waited patiently, giving his friend time to accept his words. He couldn't begin to imagine the weight of guilt the black paladin had been carrying, that he knew all too well he wouldn't have confided in anyone, but he could try to ease the burden somewhat. Takashi Shirogane was a good man, one who didn't deserve any of the suffering he'd endured, physical, mental, or emotional, and Matthew Holt would do what he could to help him heal.
"That goes both ways, then." Shiro said finally, wiping at red eyes. "You're every bit the passionate, intelligent, clear-headed man I fell for too." His smile was shaky, but genuine, and it made Matt's heart soar just like it always had back on Earth.
"Then will you, Shirogane Takashi, do me the incredible honour of becoming my boyfriend?" He asked, grinning widely back at his friend, hope and excitement beating in his chest. "I'd get down on one knee, but I don't think the joint in question would appreciate it." He gestured at his leg in mock annoyance.
Shiro laughed. "If you don't mind having a patchwork soldier with PTSD for a boyfriend."
"I definitely do not mind." Matt responded firmly. This time he was the one who closed the gap, leaning in to press his lips to Shiro's, their hands still linked between them. The other's lips were warm and soft, just like he'd always imagined they would be, and he savoured the sensation as they held the contact. His free hand cupped Shiro's cheek, fingertips playing with the soft fuzz of his undercut and his thumb lightly tracing the edge of the scar across the bridge of his nose. He could feel the warm weight of Shiro's hand on the back of his neck, fingers laced in his hair as the other held him close.
When he did eventually pull back, he could feel a deep warmth settle into his chest, a buzz of intense happiness. Matt let out a delighted laugh, leaning their foreheads together.
"What's so funny?"
Matt grinned, the smile stretching his lips hard enough to make his cheeks hurt. "Takashi Shirogane is officially my boyfriend." He explained, feeling another thrill of joy even as he said it. "Jessica can fucking kiss it."
Shiro's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Jessica?"
"That girl from your engine mechanics class."
"Oh, that Jessica." The paladin didn't seem any less confused. "What's she got to do with anything?"
"Takashi she was hitting on you literally every time she opened her mouth!" Seriously, god save him from this man and his total obliviousness. No wonder his mom's not-at-all-subtle hints about her son's interest had never gotten through.
"She was what? Why didn't you-oh." Uh oh. That was Shiro's troublemaking smirk. "I see. You didn't tell me because you were jealous?"
Matt huffed in annoyance, flopping down onto the bed. "Guilty." He admitted frankly. "Also she wouldn't have been good for you. Trophy husband."
"If you say so." Shiro chuckled, moving to lay down beside him. The older man's hand moved to softly caress his cheek as Shiro regarded him with an affectionate smile. "It's sweet of you to look out for my interests like that, though."
"Someone has to, you overly-selfless idiot." Matt smiled back. He fixed his gaze on Shiro's face for a long moment, updating his memories of every little detail. He looked older, careworn, but there was still familiar strength in the set of his jaw, and his dark eyes still radiated kindness and love like it was the easiest thing in the world. No wonder Haggar had failed so completely at turning him into a weapon, Matt realized, there wasn't even an ounce of hatred or malice in the man's heart that she could have used against him. That just wasn't the kind of man Shiro was.
The paladin chuckled, shifting a bit to get as comfortable as he could while still wearing his armor. "Good thing I have you, then." He closed his eyes for a moment before reopening one of them with a playful grin. "Man, I can't believe it. You're finally, officially mine. Matthew Tiberius Holt is my boyfriend."
"Oh stop it, you big cheese puff." Matt complained, mock-shoving at Shiro's chest before cuddling up against him. "No more romance movies for you." While it was hardly the first time they'd cuddled-more than once people had assumed they already were an item since they were naturally touchy people and tended to drape themselves all over each other at any opportunity-it held so much more meaning now. Matt tucked his head under Shiro's chin, feeling the comforting rhythm of the man's pulse under his skin as a steady reassurance of his presence and life. As he closed his eyes, he felt an arm being draped protectively over him and strong legs tangling carefully with his.
"Love you, Takashi." He whispered against the collarbone of the man he loved and thought he'd lost. It was a relief to be able to say those words at long last.
There was the briefest moment of stiffened surprise, before Shiro relaxed fully against him. "Love you too, Matt. Always." There was no hesitation in the words, only genuine affection.
Matt smiled and sighed in pure contentment as he allowed himself to fall asleep in Shiro's arms. He had definitely never been more grateful to be alive.