The lack of snips displeases Slaanesh!
2.0 (Custodator Pacis)
The Maze of Tzeentch, the realm of the Lord of Change inside the Warp realm, the labyrinth that woven from raw fabric of magic. Inside the maze is the Impossible Fortress, and at the heart of the fortress is the Hidden Library, the place where the Chaos God of Change eternally plotting his schemes.
"Alright you, the pink one on the left most, bring me this grimoire from the fifth sector," Tzeentch commanded the Pink Horror.
He wait for a few minutes before he noticed that the same Pink Horror still standing there with a confused expression.
"What are you waiting for! Go bring me the grimoire!" Tzeentch snapped at the Pink Horror, but the monster stood firm in it's place, still confusing.
"What are you doing! Go and bring me- WHAT?! That one has been checked out?! How in the Warp can someone have checked out my grimoire in the first place!?" He cursed, before he noticed a certain Horror that was walking awkwardly to his library door.
"And where do you think you are going to, THIEF!?" Said Horror stopped at Tzeentch accusation, it turns around to flash it's grin before it ripped off it's face.
"Tzeentch my man, how can you be so cold, I checked out the books as every library's rules said," The thief was a human with plastered flat hair with it's sideburns nearly reached the chin, he's wearing a red jacket completed with yellow tie.
Tzeentch mentally racked his knowledge of the multiverses to find the thief's identity, and he found the matched one in a couple of seconds.
"Well well well, who could it be but one of the Impossible Thief, Lupin the Third," Tzeentch sneered. "Very impressive, nobody can get this far before even if my Maze was less hostile than usual."
But to his curiosity, said thief's expression gain a bit shade of confusion when he said 'One of the Impossible Thief,'
"Oh Tzeentch my man, how someone can be as good as this old me and I didn't noticed them before?" Lupin said.
"But how can you get into my library in the first place anyway? It would required a certain Tactical genius-"
But before both side can continue the conversation, a very big Warp portal opened inside the library.
And then the Imperial's warship came through the portal, with a warcry of another human.
"LUUUUUUUUUUUPAAAAAAAAAAAN!" The owner of warcry was a human with Inquisitor's uniform, but he have a fedora on his head instead.
"Sorry Tzeentch my man! Pop's here; Gotta run!" Lupin said before he break into a mad dash across the room. "GOEMON! We need another exit now!"
Tzeentch could see another figure jump out of the shadows in the room and swing his sword with all his might, created another portal in the process.
"I won't let that damn thief escape again! Fire the missile!" Another voice yelled inside the warship.
"Wait! we can't do that here!" The Inquisitor with a fedora said.
"Jigen!" Lupin called out again and Tzeentch can see another man aim down his pistol.
And managed to shoot one of the missiles as it came out of it's guns, make them exploded in the face of the warship.
"It is a good day to see you again Pop! But I need to go now, sayonara!" Lupin waved his hand before he and his gang entered the portal and shut them behind.
Tzeentch gaping at his messed library as he try to make sense of the fiasco that just happened in his domain.
He look at the warship that pulling it's head back into the portal to resumed the chasing of the thief.
And he see someone chomping cigar with a smug grin on his face, with one of his books in his hand.
"...CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!" Tzeentch cursed the tactical genius as the warship completely pulled out of his Hidden Library.
2.1 (Saphroneth)
Ciaphas Cain blinked, blinked again, and sighed. "Oh, come on."
"Sir?" his faithful assistant asked.
"Nothing," Cain waved off. "If you'll excuse me, I need to have a word with the Primarch."
Leman Russ, Primarch, hero, Anchor and all-around saviour of humanity, could be really be damned malicious sometimes. He'd somehow found Cain before he'd entered the Schola - itself a considerable achievement - and engineered events so that Ciaphas Cain was now Wolf Priest of the Space Wolves 4th Company.
That meant being in harm's way, usually in the front rank and swinging a very large spiky thing at the enemy. At least he'd managed to get hold of a Rosarius.
Still not sure how he managed to finagle Jurgen into the role of chapter serf, either...
2.2 (Evilhumour)
Stoic blinked as he was given an odd sight and was doing his best not to laugh.
His son, who came in a tub from the heavens as his pre Awake self thought, was almost the perfect viking. He was strong, fast, powerfully quick and learned how to use all the weapons with ease.
The only hitch was that his son from the heavens preferred to work with Gobbers, happily being a smith opposed to a viking on a raid. Still he couldn't fault the boy that much.
Then his loops memories kicked as soon as the bright orange Monstrous Nightmare flew in, looking very annoyed. It might have to do with the fact he was both young and very small.
Vulkan, his son, looked at the dragon for a long time.
He then asked, with a hand over his mouth, "Leman?"
The dragon could only snort flame to show his annoyance and grumbled loudly as both of the humans broke down in laughter.
2.3 (Evilhumour)
Vulkan and Leman looked at Ciaphas in disbelieve. The two of them had been doing a little bit of a bet to see who could run the best campaign by not using normal weapons. It had been a close contest when Ciaphas entered with his play out of nowhere. And had almost completely pacified the entire universe.
Ciaphas looked at the Primarchs and bit back a laugh as he looked down at the screen. "It seems that my cucoo swarm is taking apart the last of Necrons now gentlemen. I do believe I win."
Leman shared a look with his brother, the two of them trying to think of setting off a cucoo swarm counted as a normal weapon or not.
2.4 (Angelform)
The Emperor, immortal lord of humanity, shining light in the warp, conquer of a galaxy (currently pending) and sundry other grandiose titles, was troubled.
He had Awoken in the earliest of his regular start points, that being about one microsecond after his children were stolen and scattered across the milky way.
That wasn't what was troubling.
His discreet scouting missions to retrieve the Primarchs early had failed. Even ignoring the butterfly effect of looper action the galaxy was so vast that minor details like where a particular planet was tended to shift even in pure baseline. Not a single one of his trusted emissaries had found the correct world.
That wasn't what was troubling.
What was troubling was how the legions were developing as they mirrored the experience of their absent leaders.
The eighteenth legion had taken on a distinctly Viking theme. Although they retained their interest in fire breathing reptiles and mechanical contraptions.
Both the second and eleventh had decided that gold made a wonderful building material, which the Emperor approved of, and that moral should be maintained by ad hock musical numbers in the style of Elton Jon, which he was rather less keen on.
The fourth was also becoming obsessed with gold, but more in the way of digging it out of the ground. Their alcohol rations had also gone up again. Despite not originally having an alcohol ration.
The ninth were still in love with jetpacks but were taking a much greater interest in naval and atmospheric combat. He had not decided which was more disturbing to see: fighter to fighter boarding actions or Escort ships dog fighting in extremely low orbit.
Conversely the seventh was taking a great interest in tanks. But also in mobile bases, to the point of presenting designs of a fully self sustainable 'city ship' as a replacement for legion fortresses. More worrying was their new habit of treating military exercises as a sporting event.
The fifth, nineteenth and twentieth had become enamoured with the concept of walkers. Each with their own idea of just what a 'mech' should be of course. Alarmingly a significant number of prototype Sentinel scout walkers had been going missing… only to turn up again with odd modifications such as wheels on the feet or jet boosters or additional arms clutching swords.
The eighth and fourteenth were becoming steadily more paranoid about zombies. On the upside this seemed to make them more concerned with casualties. They seemed to be under the impression that humanity was running short of meat for the grinder.
The Emperor had actually needed to intervene with the tenth after they started making semi-autonomous humanoid drones. He wasn't certain they were working up to AI soldiers but it was far too great a risk. Oddly their fascination had turned to horror soon after he had forbidden their work.
No less than seven of the legions had decided squads should be called 'parties', companies 'raids' and that half the point of fighting was to acquire 'loot'. Predictably there was a great deal of argument over detail such as how large a 'party' should be and what specialists it needed. And weather 'loot' should include bits of the enemy or just what they were carrying.
The worst though were undoubtedly the thirteenth legion. For the most part they were completely unchanged. Same blue colour preference. Same focus on teamwork and organisation. Except that they had taken to using the word 'Marine' as an exclamation. Or simply substituting it for random words. This did not bode well.
If he was very lucky then his son was simply up to his neck in Pokemon. If not…
'I knew that nickname would come back to haunt us.'
2.5 (Mandemon and Saphroneth)
This new loop had been... strange. Twilight could not put her hoof on what was wrong, but something was. She had narrowed it down to Celestia and Pinkie Pie, who didn't seem to be themselves. Yet, she could not find any proof of that they were Awake or had been replaced by someone. This loops' memories provided no information that would differentiate from a vanilla loop.
In the end, it didn't matter. Pinkie Pie might throw an extra party here and there, and Celestia might have been running few extra gambits. Nothing major, so she left it be. One major difference really in this loop was that her brother had embarked on some campaign that she could not find any information. At the moment, she was at the Grand Galloping Gala, having prevented the worst mistakes, and was letting the party go on smoothly. The orchestra was playing some music piece she was not interested in.
Then everything went to Tartatrus.
Pinkie Pie appeared on the window.
"THIS QUIET OFFENDS SLAANESH!" She shouted on top of her lungs, causing everyone to look at her. A massive tank burst through the wall, carrying equally massive speakers. "THINGS SHALL GET LOUD NOW!" A loud music began play from the speakers, pushing ponies back. She was about to do something about the matter, when she noticed something... interesting.
Celestia had just transported another massive set of speakers and DJ-equipment into the room. At the same time, Vinyl Scratch entered, listened for a moment before shrugging and moving to the DJ-booth and began to play her own music.
"YOU INTERRUPT!?" Pinkie Pie shouted in surprise
"You call that music? THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!" Vinyl shouted back before starting to drown out Pinkies music. Pinkie Pie grinned and Twilight witnessed the begin of Grand DJ-Battle.
She walked to Celestia.
"Want to tell me me the truth."
"Maybe, maybe not?" Celestia merely said, grinning.
"That's Tzeentch, pink one is Slaanesh," A voice answered next to Twilight. She looked next to her and saw Chrysalis. "Name's Nurgle, how do you do?" Chrysalis, AKA Nurgle, asked, sipping some weird drink.
"Tzeentch? Slaanesh? Oh, the Chaos Gods. I guess that means Lemon Rush is somewhere too," Twilight said. Both Nurgle and Tzeentch gave a laugh.
"Lemon Rush? Is that what you call Leman Russ? Oh boy, he is not going to hear end of this ever," Nurgle said, offering Twilight a drink.
"I would not drink the punch while Nurgle is here. There is probably AIDS in it," Tzeentch commented.
"You offend me, my friend. OF COURSE there is AIDS in there, Nurgle said, offended. "I just want to spread my love for people!" Twilight merely looked between two, before sighing.
"Anything else I should know?" she asked.
"Your brother is currently building a Skull Throne from the skulls of... well, pretty much anything," Nurgle said, earning a glare from Tzeentch. "What? Did I throw a wrench into your plans?"
"You're impossible," Tzeentch said.
"Oh, shut up, newbie, I have been existing much longer than any of you," Nurgle said, taking another sip.
"A Skull Throne?" Twilight asked, mentally cataloguing alternative Element bearers.
"He's Khorne. Khorne disapproves the lack of wanton violence." Tzeentch said, before smiling. "I wonder what he thinks once he realizes that things he has been hunting are actually merely illusions."
At the moment, Braeburn walked in.
"Been looking for you idiots," he said, walking up to Tzeentch and Nurgle.
"Empy, how you do? Had a fun loop?" Nurgle said in delight. "Come on, give me a hug!"
Some hours later, Slaanesh and Vinyl Scratch were staring each other down. Both music systems had burned out, though "Empy", AKA Emperor, had mentioned that Slaanesh should have been able to fix his/her/its system, but apparently decided to be a good sport. The two brohoofed and swore to have another go in near future. After Vinyl left, Slaanesh walked to the group.
"Thanks Tze, that was fun!" she said. "I love these loops, you always find people who perfect their trade."
"Well, I did owe you one for the aid pulling that prank on Chtulhu. The upstart needed a lesson."
Twilight just wished the loop would end soon. Having five gods running around with entirely different moral system was not going to be fun.
Twilight walked to the garden, where she saw Tzeentch and Slaneesh watching over the statue of Discord.
"Oh no, you are not waking him up. We had a deal, remember? No funny business and I won't kick your butts," She said to the two Chaos gods.
"Funny business?" Tzeentch asked. "Oh, this isn't one of those. Just doing something she insisted."
"Oh come on Tzeensy, you know we have responsibility?" Slaanesh said.
"Chaos God of debauchery, excess, pleasure, pain and selfishness lectures me of responsibility. Clearly the multiverse has a sick sense of humour."
"Okay, time up. Please explain to semi-mortal what is going on?" Twilight managed to get out before the statue of Discord disappeared and confused Discord sat in it's place.
"Hmm? I'm free? FREE AT LAST! MUAHAAHAA!"
"Ahem, Discord?" Tzeentch said, causing Discord to freeze in his place, before his head turned 180 degree to meet the eyes of two Chaos Gods.
"Weird, I could have sworn I heard-" Slaanesh and Tzeentch abandoned their pony forms and took their "standardized" forms. "Oh... Hello?"
"Greetings. I am Tzeentch and this Slaanesh. We are here to teach you about how to do Chaos."
"What." Discord managed.
"You see, we think you are quite too... euclidean with your thing. Chocolate rain, really? What's the fun in that? Now, Chocolate that rains clouds that do not exist, while at the same time sing ode to Ice Cream, now there is the thing. Though you still need to make so that they occupy at least four locations at the same time," Slaanesh said. "Now, you come with me and I shall teach you a trick or two."
"HEY WAIT WHAT THE LET GO OFF ME STOP THAT-" Discord shouted, while being dragged by an ear by Slaanesh. Twilight merely stared at the spectacle in front of her, before turning to Tzeentch who once again took the form of Celestia.
"What."
"It's a long story. Slaanesh and Cegorach had this... fight over the soul of Harlequin. So, this one of the Slaanesh demons decides to give a try, in hopes of advancing in the ranks and tries to bring Slaanesh some drinks. Too bad I mixed them." Tzeentch winked. "So, after taking a sip, Slaanesh threw the remainders at Cegorach, both suddenly found themselves very hot and bothered and when two Gods love each others very much-"
"Skip please." Twilight made a face.
"Anyway, Cegorach came to me and asked me for a help to solve this mess, since I caused it. In exchange of some... shall we say, favours, I agreed to fool Slaanesh. So when Slaanesh comes, having worst hangover ever, I took responsibility, making Khrone very pissed for no good reason." Tzeentch gave a snicker at this. "Anyway, few millennium later we got this tiny Chaos God running around. However, Khrone got tired of the little runt after that incident with Slaanesh toys and his weapons and threw him into a rift in Chaos. Since then, for who knows reason, Slaanesh has claimed every single chaos elemental as her 'children' and wants to teach them. And somehow I am to help her. Because I am the Daddy. I guess it's one those... well, can't really say 'Lady things' but you know."
"Well, that explains... actually quite a lot."
"Yup."
"So, how much you are ready to pay to me that I don't reveal this to Slaanesh?" Twilight said with a grin. Tzeentch face fell.
"You wouldn't dare?"
"Try me."
The two stared each other for a moment, before Tzeentch gave a chuckle.
"Remind me to show you around the Black Library next time you visit."
Fluttershy closed her eyes for a moment, flinching at the sounds coming in the window, then her expression firmed.
I'm not just cowardly Fluttershy. Not any more.
She pushed off the covers and got out of bed.
"Angel? Be a dear and ask the ponies trying to destroy the town with pure music to turn it down a bit?"
Several lapine stomps tracked across the floor, followed by a bang which shook the house.
The pegasus smiled gently. Angel was such a grumpy bunny sometimes.
"Okay, who's hungry?"
"Not me, thanks," the pelican said.
Several hummingbirds started piping for nectar, speaking over one another in their high voices.
"All right, I'll get to you in a minute," Fluttershy said, rapping the ground with her hoof and causing a vine to burst forth. Moving at walking pace, it spread over the eaves of her house before budding and flowering in a pulse of honeysuckle scent.
Most of the animals stared at her. (The hummingbirds, more pragmatic or just hungrier, got stuck in.)
She waved back with a broad smile, and began boosting her herb garden.
Druids were really good at gardening.
Whistling an old song Spike had taught her once about a harper and her dragonets, Fluttershy packed together some lunches for whenever they were needed in the coming loop.
As she rolled up a pancake with slices of cucumber and lilypad, there was a knock at the door.
"Coming," she said quietly, putting the food down and trotting over.
Upon opening the door, she saw a bright yellow earth pony colt flanked by two adorably fuzzy wolf cubs.
She blinked. "Is that..."
"Little mother!" The colt crouched down and launched himself at her, throwing his forelegs about her neck. The two wolves joined him, and all four went over in a tangle of limbs.
Fluttershy smiled. "Lemon, it's good to see you."
"And you, little mother." Lemon Rush – normally Leman Russ, primarch of the Space Wolves – clambered off her, and looked around her house. "It's been too long since I've been here."
The pegasus rolled over and pushed herself upright, then nuzzled him. "I haven't seen you in too long either, Lemon. How are you?"
Rush sighed. "Well, we've picked up a lot more loopers recently. Father, or the Emperor, or whatever his real name is, started looping a few thousand ago... and all that's done is make it weirder."
Fluttershy made some tea. Black for Rush; herbal for her; and Freki and Geri got gravy. (She'd designed it herself. The wolves certainly seemed to give it their approval.)
"Thank you," Rush said with a grateful smile, taking a sip. "Nobody does it like you do. Anyway, at least one of my brothers started looping soon afterwards – do you remember Vulkan?" Fluttershy nodded, and he went on. "That was a huge help. And I needed it..."
After a long sigh, and some more tea, he looked up.
"The four Chaos Gods started looping."
The gentle pegasus winced.
"I know! Sure, they're not nearly as bad, now... I think they're suffering the reverse version of... what did your friend call it, Sakura syndrome?"
Fluttershy nodded. "Reverse version? So they're just... bored of all the chaos?"
A shrug. "Basically. Or at least mass-death chaos. The galaxy's a safer place, now, but it's also a lot harder to keep track of – and when you consider normal for us, that's saying a lot..."
Freki padded over to Fluttershy and gave her a pleading look.
"Okay," she said, and mixed up another two cups.
Once that was done, she smiled. "I have something... nice, to show you."
She blurred, and once that was done an adult wolf stood where she had.
Rush looked the wolf up and down, slowly and carefully. "Little mother?"
The wolf nodded.
"...that's so cool! Come on, boys, playtime!"
Freki, Geri and Rush all pounced.
Fluttershy skipped back, letting the wolves miss, then caught Rush's mane gently between her teeth and plopped him on the ground again.
"You're not winning that easily!" Rush laughed, spinning to face her.
Angel Bunny tromped home.
On hearing the barks and laughter coming from inside his nominal owner's cottage, he decided she didn't really need to learn about his failure just yet.
(It was surprisingly hard to make ponies turn their music down when the music made the ground act like a springy trampoline.)
Maybe the manticore would be up for a thumb-wrestle...
2.6 (Evilhumour)
Experimental FTL: Test XXX
Leman's eye twitched, trying to pull back his rage with little success. For a while he had been trying to find a way of getting around the galaxy more efficiently that didn't result in a loop crash, Eiken or Barney. Vulkan had more or less ducked out after his attempt with the galactic sling-shot, which had clearly been a joke and not a serious project he had been working for a few loops.
In this loop, he had managed to get everywhere he wanted but the method...
"See Warboss 'eman?" His Ork general pointed out with a stupid grin on his face. "Red on red makes it go double fast!"
Leman began to swear loudly at the point.
He and Vulkan then learned it was possible to crash a loop by swearing, much to his brother's annoyance waking up in Eiken again.
2.7 (Saphroneth)
Ciaphas Cain, Hero Of The Imperium, strode through the corridors of the Imperial Palace.
It was still mildly astonishing, being here – even though, since the loops started, he'd been many times. Since Leman regularly recruited him for whatever madcap plan the Primarch had this loop, he found himself running interference in the halls of power surprisingly often.
This time, though... this was different. He'd been given an appointment, but Leman wasn't anywhere nearby. (If Cain recalled rightly, Leman was out in the halo stars teaching a particularly recalcitrant group of Eldar the difference between Uti Possedis and Status Quo Ante Bellum.)
So... the appointment was a puzzle. Doubly so as Jurgen wasn't along – by specific order of whoever had told him to come here.
Cain was mulling this problem over, and perhaps a bit distracted. So when the doors the size of Titans swung open, he barely noticed.
Indeed, he didn't realize where his precise, step-by-step directions were leading him until he got to the end.
And, looking up, found himself before the Golden Throne.
Ciaphas Cain.
The voice impressed itself on his mind directly.
Cain began to panic.
This was the Emperor. The immortal God-Emperor of Mankind. The man who he had worshipped as a god... and in some ways, still did.
Moreover, the Emperor was an intensely powerful psyker. The most powerful. This man could see through all the layers of petty justifications he erected around his soul, to... well, to whatever was beneath.
Ciaphas wasn't even sure any more.
"What do you wish, my Emperor?" he asked, voice calm and steady.
Because he may have been doomed, but he was so used to bluffing it was instinctual. He was damned if anyone was going to see him sweat.
Ciaphas Cain, I find myself in need of answers. You are a Looper, yes?
Cain continued to panic. A little voice in his mind was repeating, over and over, that he'd be lucky to make it out of this either physically or spiritually intact.
"I am," he confirmed, with a small nod of the head.
How much contact have you had with the Chaos Gods?
I'm going to be torn to pieces and scattered across the Imperium.
"Do you mean the versions who are looping or the ones who are not, lord?" Ciaphas asked, voice steady. "The ones who aren't looping – well, I usually end up delivering a chainsword to the face of their plans, mainly by serendipity."
The ones who are looping, Ciaphas. Explain to me... how it is that my son has cooperated with them on occasion.
Tiny little pieces.
Cain was stuck on the horns of a dilemma.
If he told the truth – what he'd seen of the Looping versions of the Chaos Gods – he would probably sound like some kind of crazed Chaos-worshipper compared to the Imperium as a whole.
And if he made things up to please the Emperor... well, he was the Emperor. He'd know.
So, Cain took the easy way out. Rather than try to invent something... he went with what had actually happened. The version of events which he remembered, and which was less likely to have a nasty inconsistency.
"I think it would make most sense to go through them one at a time," Cain said. "First – the god Khorne."
He shrugged. "Khorne's the god of battles, and any soldier of the Imperium who felt battles were inherently bad wouldn't be a very good soldier. The version who loops... it seems as though he's become less interested in wholesale, wanton slaughter, and more in..." Cain looked for the best way to put it. "Honour. Duels, really. And... it seems like no more innocents get killed."
There was silence for a long time.
What of the Plague-bearer?
2.8 (Evilhumour)
Vulkan looked at his brother and sighed.
"I believe I understand the joke of this loop." He said to his brother who had opened his mouth. "You're a wolf and I am a salamander because that is our legion's symbol and name."
"Well, yes, but -"
"Is the next thing going to be a joke or pun?" He rubbed a claw against his head with the growing headache. The loops have been testing his patience with the insanity that it threw at them, and that was not even counting what Leman got up to. He had resolved to more or less to try and ban Leman from touching anything more than sophisticated a bicycle handlebar and pedals until he proved he would not turned into something utterly dangerous in his attempt to get around faster. He did not want to know how he had managed to get around with a rocket launcher that one loop.
The wolf across of him nodded his head, with the black salamander groaning. He peeked at the wolf, grinning.
"No, I refuse to ask what it is. I am going to back to the cave, work on something while you go do something stupid."
"Awwww!"
2.9 (Scorntex)
"Okay," Commissar Quill asked the rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy (the few that were there, at any rate), "The flark is wrong with this Loop?"
Primarch Adam Warlock, reluctant leader of the Veritas Universum, frowned. Well, Adam almost always frowned, but this was a different sort of frown from usual. "Actually, Quill, I believe we have wound up in one of the better parts of this Loop's history."
This statement met with blank stares from everyone present (save Drax, who was busy cleaning the grease and blood off his knives).
"Seriously?" Phyla-Vell asked. "It gets worse? Is that- is that even possible?"
Adam nodded. "At the moment, this 'Imperium' is expanding. Its methodology, while deplorable, is not as absolutely bad as it could be."
Quill muttered something unspeakably foul under his breath at that.
"However, the likelihood is that one of these Primarchs will betray this Emperor, and then..." He trailed off, allowing everyone else to draw their own conclusion.
"Constant unending bloodshed with millions dying by the hour, this Imperium turns on itself, as uncaring god-like entities manipulate the situation for their own advantage?" Quill suggested. Adam's frown only increased.
"Most likely."
Before Quill could express his opinions on that, a sudden sniff drew everyone's attention to Gamora. The Deadliest Woman in The Universe's eyes were tearing up, and she was smiling.
"This is the best Loop ever!" She whispered.
2.7 continued
"Nurgle is..." Cain tried to come up with the words. "I don't like spending time with him, very much, because he makes me feel uncomfortable. But I've heard from Lord Russ that he's been experimenting more with... less dangerous symptoms."
Elaborate.
"I have, personally, seen laughing cough break out across the world of Umbria." Cain paused, and then continued. "I didn't see the joke, myself."
As soon as he said it, he wondered why he had. It was a bit amusing, but... this wasn't the time for jokes.
Cain decided to keep going, to avoid the awkward moment. "I also remember a time where an entire Tyranid hive fleet was afflicted by the Blue Rot and all their spores hardened. Their invasion force didn't survive impact with the ground."
Silence.
Interesting. Now, what of the Fate Weaver?
2.10 (crisis and Evilhumour)
Fenrir looked up at his blind date and fought back a groan.
She was beautiful (for a goddess who preferred a human-like form, but then Fenrir was the son of a shapeshifter so he was less hung up on that than most), sure. She was also dressed in a pure white toga overlaidoverlayed with blue armor that highlighted her form and with a bright red cape draped over her shoulders. A red cape with a hood draped over her golden sunburst crown.
"Do you have any idea how many bad jokes that outfit will invite?" he rubbed his face with his paws.
"Well," the goddess smiled slightly, revealing that she seemed to find the situation rather more humorous than Fenrir did, "I did prepare for a night out with the biggest, baddest wolf in the heavens..."
Fenrir lost his fight against the groan, prompting the goddess Marianne Liberty to giggle like a chorus of bells.
A couple of tables away, sat three beings.
"Mom, this didn't work with us so why do you think it will work for Fenrir?"
"Shush boy, I'm making sure your brother's date goes good." The masculine voice muttered, peeking over his menu.
"Remind me again why a shapeshifter, and two horse gods, are using these plastic glasses as a disguise?" The only female at the table asked while still wearing them.
"Because mom likes Groucho Marx and-"
"Shush boy or I will show Epona your baby pictures!" The father snapped, leaning up in his chair.
"Mom, please don't get us kicked out of another restaurant!"
2.11 (Saphroneth)
If I'd known what was waiting for me on Sepras Prime, I would probably have tried to leave the sector on the first ship out.
But, as usual for me, I had no idea as my vessel made orbit. In fact, at that point my main concerns were related to whether there'd be enough tanna1.
It was well into the second year of my attachment to the Lord General's office, and he'd sent me off on deadly missions rather less than previous attachments I'd been on – probably something to do with all the Regicide games he liked playing with me, never mind that I won most of them.
In any case, I was tasked to check on the local PDF, because there were rumors of an insurrection building up. Nothing much at this stage, but Lord General Zyvan wanted me to determine whether the PDF commanders were getting involved in the local politicking – because if they were, then they couldn't be trusted to contain the insurrection and a large deployment would be necessary.2
Thanks to my by-then quite enormous reputation, a shuttle was already waiting for me when I strolled down to the docking bay with Jurgen at my side. Indeed, the captain of the ship was waiting for me to see me off.
"Sorry it took so long," he said, clearly believing me to be as much a man of action as everyone else did. "I'm afraid there were some nasty warp currents-"
"Not a problem." I assured him. "I'm sure you did all you could to speed our passage." Indeed, since the shuttle looked to be the pick of the bunch in the docking bay, it looked like he'd lent me his personal small craft. "And I appreciate your willingness to lend me your fastest atmospheric craft."
"Ah – thank you, Commissar. The pleasure is all mine." It wouldn't be all his by the time I reached the ground if I was any judge – a runabout like that would have some lovely amasec somewhere, the pick of all the worlds he'd visited as a trader, and I wanted to top up my hip flask while I had the chance.
"Well, duty calls and I must answer." I said, more to end the conversation than anything. The captain was a tolerable enough fellow, but he was a little overwhelmed by having someone with as much of a reputation as myself onboard and his conversation had suffered substantially.
"Of course. Let the pilot know where you're headed."
I nodded my thanks, motioned Jurgen aboard and followed.
Luckily, the shuttle had several rooms on board, so I was able to put a little distance between Jurgen and myself. Normally he'd have protested such an action, but the prospect of flying had its' usual effect both on his odour and his demeanour – protocol took a back seat to keeping his lunch down.
"That's strange." The pilot muttered, as I helped myself to a bottle of that amasec.
"What is it?" I demanded, with a sudden and altogether too familiar sinking feeling.
"Oh, Commissar. Ah, well, I've flown on this world before, and the flight control is altogether too jumpy. Normally they're fairly relaxed here." The pilot shrugged. "It's probably nothing."
"Probably." I echoed, but already I was thinking hard. What would lead a planetary flight control network to be nervous? Well, the presence of a legendary figure like Ciaphas Cain might do it, but I hadn't announced my arrival in-system yet. Perhaps the lord general was right, and there was unrest developing.
My shoulderblades began to itch, and I scanned over the dataslate with local conditions. There was a PDF unit not too far from where I had planned to set down, and I'd feel rather more comfortable with a few dozen bodies between me and any trouble – even if they were PDF3.
"Slight diversion, pilot. Land us here." I pointed to a large fortified area. "The Skyshield there."
That should give me enough time to contact the local high command and begin evaluating the situation, and being out of the way would both enhance my reputation for wanting to get straight to business and throw off any ambush that might be headed my way.
No sooner had our shuttle set down than the comm-bead in my ear crackled to life. I was startled – normally it took longer than that for any PDF or even Guard units to locate a new signal in the area.
Of course, that surprise was magnified when I heard the voice speaking through it.
"Hello again, Cain."
"Amberley?" I said, probably sounding completely incredulous.
"Yes. I'm afraid that I've got an urgent job for you."
My palms began to itch. It's never good when a woman says that, and it's worse when she's an Inquisitor. "What kind of job?" I asked, looking around. "Where are you?"
"Orbit. And there's a serious problem on Sepras – nothing local, it's Inquisition business."
Great. Amberley had drawn me into Inquisitorial politics a few times before, and they'd never gone very well.
"You're in a good place, though. I'll be brief. Two Inquisitors, one Hereticus and one Malleus, have each become convinced the other is trafficking with Chaos. They're in your area, and they're both currently trying to convince SDF command to deal with the other."
"Deal with? How could the System Defence Force-" I completed the puzzle. "Frak. Incoming orbital fire."
"Exactly." She sounded grim. "I need you to find them, quick, before one of them manages to get a cyclonic torpedo strike authorised. They're both in your area. And don't worry – the local PDF regiment is clean. I've gone through their records, nothing stands out."
Well, this was a fine mess. Not twenty seconds on the planet and already there were lance strikes and melta torpedoes aimed at me.
I contemplated getting back in the shuttle and leaving, but that was a bad idea for two reasons. First, the suspicious Inquisitors on the ground would assume anything leaving might have their opponent in, meaning it would draw fire. Second, I'd rather not annoy Amberley while she was herself in orbit with access to heavy fire.
"Alright." I said, checking my equipment. My trusty laspistol and chainsword were as ready as ever. "I'll be right out."
"Good to see you, sir." The first officer I saw on stepping out of the shuttle said, voice slightly breathless from excitement, apprehension, or just the effort of running about a quarter of a mile to greet me. "The Inquisitor said we'd be getting reinforcements, but I didn't expect someone of your prominence."
"The Emperor calls, and we must answer." I said, another of those tired platitudes I knew by rote. "What's your force like?"
"We're ready to do what the Emperor asks, sir." The poor fellow looked overwhelmed. I suppose it wasn't every day that you were exposed to orbital fire – though in my experience it comes along distressingly often.
Seeing him looking expectant, I decided to try and reassure him. "I couldn't expect any more. Now, how many squads are immediately available? And how many bunkers are we dealing with?"
"Fifteen squads, sir – I'm afraid only second company is in the immediate area. The rest were planning on being the op-force4 for drills, so they're the other side of the wire."
"I see." It put a bit of a damper on my plans, since I was planning on having rather more bodies between me and a pair of Inquisitorial warbands. "You are?"
"Captain Graves, sir – commanding officer, second company."
"Very well, Captain. I'll attach myself to your command for now. Get your squads searching and clearing those bunkers – and have them report each cleared bunker as they leave." I paused, then something occurred to me. "And make sure they call in which bunker they're entering as they do so, as well – we don't want to lose anyone needlessly."
"Right you are, sir."
Being under orbital fire is a terrifying experience. No matter your faith in the Emperor (which in my case isn't the greatest) or the thickness of the armour protecting you (no more than my battered old suit of carapace), a single lance strike can wipe you from the face of the planet.
Even the realization that every shot thus far had simply hit one or another of the bunkers wasn't much of a relief. I was going to have to go into them.
Alas, the perils of a reputation.
"Okay, troops," I said, smiling confidently. "In the Emperor's name. Follow me."
"Sir!" the PDF troopers said, saluting, and fell in around me in what was actually a fairly good skirmish order.
"This is fourth squad, entering D-5, sir," came over the vox bead. "No sign of hostiles."
"I confirm no hostiles in D-5," I repeated, then the world tried to end.
A few panicked and confusing seconds of shaking, incredible noise and fire across the sky had me clinging to the dirt like I wanted to burrow into it.
"Ciaphas?" Amberley's voice said in my ear, sounding worried. "Are you alright? That blast hit right next to you – bunker F-4."
I staggered upright, Jurgen at my side. "Come on, lads," I said, trusting Amberley to interpret my voice as her answer. "No good sleeping on the job!"
2.12 (Evilhumour)
Fenrir walked back and forth in front Leman, Vulkan and Ciaphas.
"Gentlemen," he started, ear twitching. "There are things that you can do and things you cannot do."
"I kno-"
"Ciaphas, be quiet." He took a deep breath. "I had to look away from my terminal as my dad was trying to hook me with another blind date. When I looked back, I found that the Orks had painted themselves pink and were conquering the galaxy with their party guns. Sleipnir had not put Pinkie Pie in the last loop, which means one of you three did it." Flicking his tail around, he glared at each of them. "Needless to say, I thought I had a glitch running through the system and I had got Skuld to check things out after that whole deal with the Emperor left a mark on my record. Needless to say, I got strong lecture over the whole matter."
He leaned into each of their faces. "Do not give the Ork pink paint again! Enjoy this punishment, gentlemen. I hear Barney missed you Leman."
With that, the wolf stormed out of the room.
2.7 continued
Cain winced. "I think he's decided to mess with me, specifically. Or... well, he does have the usual interlocking plans, but they're more designed for his own amusement even over effectiveness. Lord Russ told me that he once engineered things specifically so that the Eldar Farseer, Eldarad, stepped on a rake."
The Commissar shrugged helplessly. "It sounds ridiculous... but he does. He... well... right. As I understand it, he's not just the god of mutation and... and sorcery, but also of hope and of doing well. Which..." Cain sighed. "Is weird."
The Emperor seemed to be unsure how to take that.
"But I can pretty much always tell when one of the four Chaos Gods is Awake, simply because the galaxy is that much less of a mess. I think he once steered Abbadon the Despoiler into a moon..."
Ciaphas, the Emperor stated, the force of his mentally-transmitted words stopping Cain in mid-sentence. You are telling me that the Chaos Gods have started to comprehend the nature of history, the course it will take... and, because of this, they have started doing less harm?
Cain nodded, fighting the urge to swallow convulsively. "I... I think it's because they've done it all already."
There was a long pause. Cain could see some Custodians in the distance, apparently discussing with themselves why the Lord Commissar was talking to the air.
He had to fight down the sudden urge to do this again some day, wearing a chicken suit.
And what about the youngest of the Chaos Gods, Ciaphas? The one you have not yet mentioned.
"Slaanesh is... well, Slaanesh is worrying to be around," Ciaphas admitted. "I understand that Slaanesh is the deity of pleasure – of feeling good, and of love as well as lust. That means..."
Cain wondered whether he should mention it, then sighed. He'd have to anyway.
"Slaanesh has arranged my wedding. Several times. And given tips." Cain winced. "And tried to disturb me with bizarre and obscene jokes regularly. But... well. The first time, there was a cultist who became a daemon princess and tried to damn me. That still tends to happen."
He shook his head. "But when Slaanesh is Awake and Looping, then the cultist just never shows up again. I have no idea why. I even asked once."
And what did the ruler of pleasure reply?
"With a worrying smile," Cain said flatly. "That's all the answer I've ever gotten."
The Emperor was silent for a long while.
Interesting. You may go, Ciaphas.
Cain tried not to visibly relax, with the news he'd survived the interview.
And – you are a credit to the Commissariat. See that this state of affairs continues.
The presence of the Emperor seemed to fade, a pressure that Cain had barely noticed until it was no longer there.
"Sir?"
Cain turned, and saw Jurgen walking up to him with a look of cheerful obliviousness.
"Sorry it took so long, sir, it took me ages to find the Tanna. This place is huge."
"That's all right, Jurgen," Cain said, accepting the flask. "I think I could do with a drink."
2.13 (Evilhumour)
Amberley Vail blinked as she was being asked to write something odd that did not match her notes.
"Sir?" She looked at Ciaphas who was in the midst of enjoying a simple meal as the two of them sat in an officer's dinner in a booth near the door. "I have a question for your memoirs; last time you said had to deal with Ork that attacked while singing, and the time before that it you have stated that Lord Leman Russ attempted to travel across the galaxy in a mechanized version of a wolf?" She watched his eyes bulge for some reason, dropping his fork to the table before rolling her eyes. "Are the dates correct in the different times repeats?" She pulled the papers she had done early this time repeat; she was getting good at writing them all down precisely what Ciaphas had told her as her memory had improved drastically but she needed to be sure.
Ciaphas Cain simply began to choke, slamming his fist into the table before coughing out his meal. Amberley quickly moved her papers away from the hacked up piece of food as the man across of her grabbed some alcohol spiked water to clear his throat. After drinking several loud gulps, he looked at her with wide eyes. "H-how long has time been repeating for you?"
"Thirty times, mister lord Commissar hero of the Imperium sir," she answered truthfully, watching the crowd ignore their conversation and doing her best not to smile at this situation. "I do not fully understand why but from what you have told me during the twelfth time that there is this tree called Yggdrasil that is broken and all of the multiverse is on a time repeat until the powers that be fix the issue?"
Ciaphas eyes went wider again, a hand running through his hair. "Loops, but yes, that is correct. Thank the Emperor I don't need to explain to you that mess again."
"There are still several things that I do not fully understand," she pulled out some notes she made and looked down at them. "You've said that for a person to start experiencing the 'loops', they need to be close to the Anchor; one who you have called 'that numbskull, idiotic, half-baked lunatic Leman fucking Russ', among other less flattery names." She watched him pale out of the corner of her eye, a smirk fighting to break out.
"Normally, but there are exceptions, myself for example," Ciaphas muttered. "Fenrir, the Administrator that is assigned to our world, told me when he had to activate loopers for our world, Yggdrasil literally raced ahead with my name and approved my looping status before he could even type the first I. It even attached the whole Hero Of The Imperium! bit to my official status." Ciaphas groaned, rubbing his face before grinning at her. "I'm glad you're looping now Amberley. Vulkan is usually the only other sane one around that I can talk to. Bjorn has to make sure Leman doesn't do something too stupid, his wolves can't talk, the Emperor is a no go and the others..."
He was cut off when the door slammed open.
"PAPA!" a young girl's voice shouted before tackling Ciaphas into the side of booth. "I've found you and I missed you ever so much!"
Amberley only had look at the child once before realizing who it was by the necklace sh-it was wearing.
"Those four are looping?" She asked, trying desperately to keep a straight face now and not laugh her head off as the youngest of the Chaos Gods continued to hug Ciaphas tightly, with the other soldiers looking over confused as all hell.
"Yes we are and I'm ever so glad you are too!" The child grinned predatory at her, making Amberley feel terrible dread. "Finally, someone of the opposite gender to play with!" Slaanesh clapped its hands. "This is going to be ever so much fun!"
Ciaphas looked at her apologetically with Amberley Vail only rolling her eyes in the latest mess Ciaphas Cain found himself in.
2.0 Tzeentch doesn't like to be tricked
2.1 Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE SPACE WOLVES
2.2 Vulkan's first fused loop.
2.3 Nothing can stop the horde
2.4 Can you figure them out?
2.5 A rock off and a playful romp, what's not to love?
2.6 Never doubt the power of an Ork.
2.7 It's time to have the Talk.
2.8 In case you were wondering, the Emperor was an eagle.
2.9 One person's hell is another person's paradise.
2.10 A bit of a call back to 1.10
2.11 Ciaphas has entered a game of wit and cunning, one that rivals most other games. Also a so so movie.
2.12 Fenrir doesn't have a lot of luck.
2.13 Even when Ciaphas gets a break with a close friend looping, someone has to make things awkward for him.
1 A drink mainly imbibed by Valhallans. During his long familiarity with regiments of that icy world, Cain developed quite a taste for it. Since this was one of his first times away from such regiments, I imagine it would rather have been preying on his mind.
2 Sepras Prime was a major agri-world, supplying much of the subsector. Insurrection would have disrupted the economy and potentially caused further unrest, which may have ended up requiring serious commitment of resources.
3 Like many Guard officers, Cain harboured a certain disdain for members of the Planetary Defence Forces.
4 Opposing Force – a term used in military parlance to refer to a staged "enemy" of the Imperium. In this case, the single company at Cain's disposal were in the defending position, while the remainder of the regiment were planning a mock assault on their position as if they were some manner of heretic. This practice is sufficiently unusual among PDF ground forces to be worthy of note – possibly the commanding officer was an old Guard veteran and knew how to train troops properly.