4.0 (Delta Green, Saphroneth, Scorntex, Cipher100, Angelform, BNG1991, Leonite, Custodator Pacis, KBTKaiser and Crisis)
Let it never be said that the Emperor of Mankind didn't go all the way when doing anything. He had once sworn to Serenity he would act like a good Father to his Sons (and all of Mankind) until the Final Loop, and bonding activities went with that. However, he was also a bit of a micromanager. Hence, he had the unfortunate habit of organizing planning sessions for anything more complex that "Talking over a cup of decaf." It took any spontaneity out of the bonding moments, but at least all possibilities were covered (which did come in hand when a gigantic Hrud infestation interrupted the bi-annual family picnic).
Truth be told, he was starting to feel less and less tormented about his previous sins as he made strenuous efforts to reconnect with his Sons and Humanity as a whole. Perhaps Serenity was right? No matter.
Very well, my Sons. We shall "prank" the Grey Knights and Inquisition, as you insisted. First object on the board, the Terminus Sanction.
There was a slight cough from Vulkan as the (formerly) dead Primarchs all looked rather puzzled at the mention of the Last Resort of the Grey Knights. Not that some of the living Loyalists didn't look puzzled as well, but the (formerly) dead Primarchs had even less of a way to know about it.
For those not informed, the Terminus Sanction is a set of instructions I had Malcador leave his fledgling Inquisition in case things went...
"Pear shaped, Father?"
As you say, Leman. It consisted, roughly, of the current GrandMaster of the Grey Knights finding his way to the Golden Throne and killing me with a properly prepared Force Pike in the hopes it would augment the chances of my reincarnation over the... other possibilities. Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic with the prospect and Malcador even less, thus we made it the absolute last resort of the Imperium. If EVERYTHING went wrong, I would try my luck, but not before.
Corax raised his hand and spoke up.
"Father, what can we do with this to 'Prank' the Inquisition?"
While I am less than enthused at the idea of dashing the last hopes of Mankind in their darkest hour, Leman insists that the schadenfreude of witnessing such a moment is well worth the cost, especially considering the Loops. Thus, we will require suggestions on what to now write on the Terminus Sanction. Corax, I will require you to substitute the message once it is done.
The Floor is yours, my Sons.
"Close the box, put it down, and get back to work".
"Light the blue touch paper and stand well back"
"It took you eleven thousand years to decide things were bad enough?"
"Return for 1$ cashback!"
"Dear God-Emperor Of Mankind, I.O.U one emergency escape clause. Love, the God-Emperor Of Mankind."
"Out of Order." (****! Even in the future nothing works!)
"Use the horse."
"This space for rent."
"Create giant fish. Once you have done so, summon bigger fish."
"42."
"Please initiate the emergency crash landing procedure for the future of mankind. Sit on the floor, put your hands behind your neck, your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye."
"PLUG ME BACK IN!"
"I have an itch behind my ear. Please scratch."
"Press F5."
"I for one welcome our new [insert conquerors description] overlords."
"In case there are only 1 million humans alive, surrender to Zahndrekh the Necron Overlord. You can convince him that you are the mutated Necrotyr."
"Tell the Silent King we have the Apotheosis, he will try his best to save us."
"Congratulations, now you're really fucked."
"May as well start summoning daemons now, nothing left to lose really..."
"You are NOT a winner! Please try again."
"Blame the Inquisition."
"Sorry, but our Emperor is in another castle"
"Remember, if you need to find a true leader, please go to my true son Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM."
"Can you not see I am on the toilet?"
"I.O.Y one apocalypse aversion plan - Eldrad Ulthran."
"Activate the Omega Thirteen… several billion times."
"Remember to make sure that Primarch Leman Russ is not in any pilot seat until he has mastered the bicycle with training wheels without turning it into a daemon from the Warp."
"The Tau were an experiment against Warp Immunity, so stop killing them."
"The next person who says my lord, my liege, Sire, Emperor, God Emperor, God Emperor of Mankind, Emps, or anything of the fashion will be immediately transferred to the front lines."
"Please follow these instructions carefully: Put your left foot in. Take your left foot out. Put your left foot in and shake it all about..."
*Skeleton of some super beast pops out* "We're sorry, but the contents of this box have passed their expiration date. For a replacement, please contact..."
*A jumble of mechanical parts pop out* "Some assembly required."
"To whomever did that, I know what you did."
4.1 (Evilhumour)
Bjorn held his human hand to his face and sighed.
Along with Vulkan and Ciaphas, he had become one of the people that tried to keep things sane.
It was hard to do so when Primarch Magnus was chasing Primarch Leman around Fenris, throwing large amount of fire at his Lord's laughing and screaming form.
It was really hard staying sane in these loops.
4.2 (Angelform)
"This is Intolerable."
"Ha! You'll get used to it. Not like you aren't still a biped."
"I Have Been The Avatar Of Humanity Since The Dawn Of Civilisation. I Took The Pride, The Virtue And The Very WILL Of Mankind And Forged Myself Into Their Personification! This Decrepit Form Is A Perversion Of All That I Am."
The wizened, gray skinned being began to leaver itself out of the massive chair.
"Well don't do anything drastic. Don't want another penitence loop."
"At Least In Eiken We Would Be Human.
…
Or at least abhuman."
"Hah, human maybe but probably female. And I would not count on being that lucky. The loops dislike us having phobias. Start crashing loops just because you aren't human and the loops will push back. How do you feel about visiting the Equestrian Safe Loop?"
The look of despairing horror on the face of Emp'Or, space pope of the Tau Ethereals, was something Leman would treasure for many loops.
4.3 (Evilhumour)
Leman groaned as he was sent flying backwards, bouncing in his powerarmor before coming to a stop.
Head still spinning, he placed a hand to his stomach as he tried to stand up right when he heard Khorne begin to run up to him.
Leman groped for his chainsaw-sword when the Chaos God hit him again with that damnable object in his side, sending him flying across Fenris again with the other Chaos Gods and Magnus laughing their heads off. Vulkan and Bjorn were thankfully staying quiet as possible, although they were recording this for Ciaphas, Amberley and father later. Freki and Geri were just staring and licking their lips.
Where Khorne found the space trout, Leman would never know.
And then Khorn slapped him again.
4.4 (Evilhumour)
Leman blinked, suddenly feeling very small, as Bjorn walk beside him.
"Bjorn," he started slowly, looking up at his only looping marine and friend with slight envy. "Have you been talking to my brother again?"
"No sir!" the man inside said cheerfully. "I planned this out in another loop and I'm very glad to see it worked!"
"Yes..." Leman drawled out, looking at his startled and slightly nervous marines. "But you do know that the people will ask about this, correct?"
"Don't personally care sir," the man inside cackled with joy. "The Space Wolves have the first and only mecha dreadnought and the rest can stick it!" With that, he started to fire into the daemon hoard, making Leman wonder when he became the sane one. It wasn't fun to be sane!
Howling with his Frostblade roaring in his hands, he raced after Bjorn to join the fight with his marines following behind him howling in delight.
4.5 (Evilhumour)
The Emperor looked at one of his sons walk past him before coming back with what seemed to be an oversize flea collar, a squirt bottle and other odd things. Sighing, the Emperor forced himself to deal with his looping sons rivalry as part of his project to improve on his complicated relationship with his sons.
What has Leman done this time Mangus?
"I don't know how, but that idiot has somehow caused all of my books to be one page off, and the writing to be backwards and inverted!" He snapped, flame running across the ground. "If the fool wants to be a damn mutt, I will treat him like one!"
Grumbling loudly, the Primarch left the throne room with the Emperor rubbing his face. On one hand, it would be a good thing to stop the two from fighting like this as part of his attempts to be a better parent.
With a rumble of an explosion and loud shouting and yelling, followed by the sounds of non lethal ammunition being fired -raiding the Nerf store in that near Hub like loop and stealing the instructions for the procedure to making them had been a stroke of genius for them to alleviate some of their stress- and the dreadnaught being thrown into the throne room before roaring back into the battlefield, firing his modified Nerf cannon into the battle field of Space Wolves and Thousand Sons. In the middle of the battle field was his two sons, with Magnus on Leman's back, both of them shouting at each other with the former struggling to get a collar on the latter and with Leman shouting nerd, geek and other childish insult at the other.
On the other hand, this was very enjoyable and it was good for his sons to work things out by themselves. Sitting down in his non gold throne, and pulling out the popcorn from his Subspace pocket, he watched the fight with a smile on his face.
4.6 (fractalman)
The skeins of fate reeled and twisted, for The Culture had arrived in the 40k galaxy; until now, it had been utterly invisible to the warp. Yet as the Eldar Farseers began to examine the new potential futures, they failed to pay enough attention to the subtler changes emanating from Leman Russ.
"As you have heard, a new player has arrived on the scene. Some of you, out of fear, have even spoken of destroying this new player before it can grow and build up forces, so let me make myself clear, right now: Only Chaos can defeat this new player. Not all our Craftworlds together, not the IOM fleets, not the black crusades, not the Necron tomb worlds, not even the Tyrannid fleets between the stars can so much as slow them down, even as they are now. Any who stand against them are either destroyed or ignored. Ignored! Yes, you heard me right, ignored; not only is the disparity in military power that great, they seem to dislike destroying things.
The Eldar Farseer paused, and frowned. "There is…one military force that can stand up to this new player, though I cannot comprehend how: an Ork war-band with…pink paint. I really don't have a clue how that works, so don't ask.
The Farseer cleared his throat. "Anyways, we have very few options here: we can either contact them now, or we can wait for them to find us-and find us they will. We can speed up when they contact any particular race, or slow it down slightly..."
4.7 (Saphroneth and myself)
"Say dad," Luke looked at his father as he was working on a ship, a loop where things were simple for their family. "Who would you have wanted Leia to go with anyways?"
His dad pulled his head out of the engine, covered in oil and grime, tapped his chin. "I don't know to be honest, but there was this one time where the Emperor of Mankind offered one of his Primarchs to bridge our Empires together. Odd loop." He leaned back into the ship he was working on.
"Really? Any of them good?"
"Well, Horus made me uneasy, I thought Leman was into unsavory things, Ferrus brought up a sore issue," both he and Luke looked at his hand and winced. "I don't think Fulgrim is interested into girls, Vulkan was too much of a geek, Rogal wasn't thrilled by the idea when marrying the the 'witch', Roboute is too vicious, Magnus couldn't pull his head out of the books."
"What about Sanguinius?"
"...are you kidding me?"
"Sorry dad," Luke said, looking at the speeder he was working on.
"Lion El'Jonson wasn't there to arrange anything, Perturabo seemed to have too much fun playing with his tanks, Mortarion…" He shuddered, and then swore as he hit his head against the inside of the engine he was working on.
"Lorgar had that preacher look, Jaghatai was the kind I don't want Leia around." Anakin grumbled. "Bad boys with hot rods, what do girls see in those types?"
Luke looked at his father, withholding a grin. "I wouldn't know dad."
"Konard thought he was Batman and wouldn't get out from under my desk to 'spy' on me. Argon reminded me of Charybdis. No thank you." Sighing, Anakin leaned against the side of the wall. "Corbus's beak-helmet was a deal breaker."
"What about Alpharius and Omegon?"
"They were passable until those two spirited Leia away with Han to screw with us." Anakin groaned, stretching out. "And before you ask, I don't know if they're looping or not. No one does." Staring off into space, Anakin glared at his son. "Don't you dare repeat this to anyone but I was glad Leia was with Han that loop; the Emperor's kids are really messed up."
"I won't dad, I promise."
With that, the two Skywalkers went back to working.
4.8 (Evilhumour)
Vulkan looked at Bjorn, who looked at the two glaring looping wolves. The Emperor was shaking his head in disbelief. Ciaphas was still gawking at the sight.
How.
Leman looked at the Warp encased planets and looked back. "I was just making toast!" He raised his hands in protest.
The Emperor could only groan as his mind tried to comprehend what his son did and failed to come up with an answer as the Chaos Gods had decided to invade several collages again and therefore not responsible for this. I put forth the motion that Leman Russ is hereby forbidden to ever enter a kitchen or anything of the sort ever again.
"Agreed!" Was the response from everyone, with Leman only protesting it was just toast!
4.9 (Evilhumour, wildrook)
Leman looked at his father, tapping his fingers on the armrest as the man drove the large van down the road.
"How did you manage do it again?" He asked, trying to get comfortable. He wasn't sure if this was a very modified variant, fused loop or something else Fenrir threw together. If he was old enough to bet, in-loop wise, he would say it was a fused loop for all of them to decompress after the last mess of a loop he had to deal with.
"Do what Leman?" His father asked, biting his lip as he tried to drive steady, with car honking them and very rude curses yelled at him. Of all the things his father could do, driving seemed not to be one of them. It would explain his own skills though.
"Crash that last loop," Leman grunted, as he saw them pull up into Forks. It would be nice to see Leah again. She was a good friend, and along with Fenrir's other anchors, had helped him through several issues. They had also promised not to tell the Little Mother or the rest of the ponies about the Chaos God Emperor variant; that was something he needed to do. "It was going alright until I got a massive headache and then I woke up in this van with the rest of them." Leman thumbed back at his other eighteen brothers, the two lost ones were absent with Alpharius and Omegon both present. "As we're going on this 'hunting' trip to bond as a fami-BRAKEBRAKEBRAKE!" Leman shouted, grabbed the wheel as his father shouted and slammed his foot onto the pedal, trying to stop the van with the screaming teenagers inside as two people appeared in front of the road. Leman, sticking his head out as two ran off to yell at them, was pulled back in by his father.
"Don't start anything boy, I don't want to deal with any damn authorities for a long time!" his father's eyes darted to him before going back to the road. "And buckle up!"
"Geezes, I don't know what's worse," Leman snarked, buckling up as the two that had ran off looked vaguely familiar before his father began to drive again. "You overprotective or you being abstan-uh...wow that was -"
"Poor taste?" his father raised an eyebrow, smirking as they went through the city, getting close to the forest turn off. "It is alright; try dealing with people perverting your words and ideas and when you tell them to stop, they don't listen. Even when you get off that damn Golden Throne, get in their faces, and personally decree that their 'God' doesn't want it anymore, they still don't fucking listen!" His father slammed a fist onto the horn, causing the boys in the back to jump a bit before tuning out their father once more.
"Ah, I see." Leman nodded with age that shouldn't belong to anyone as young as he appeared to be before smiling. "You've finally got strong enough to get out of it?"
His father blinked and smiled, nodding his head. "Indeed. It was good to stretch my legs and address my people once more, even thought trying to get through them caused the loop to crash."
"Meh," Leman said, watching them pull up to their cabin. "I'll take it as a win that you're getting stronger and things are getting better."
"Thank you, my son." With a smile on his face, the usual Emperor of Mankind turned off the engine and began work on his latest and greatest project yet; how to be a better father. So far; two down, seventeen to go.
Amberley looked at Ciaphas, her mouth slowly working. "Was that the Emperor in a minivan with the Primarchs?"
"Yes, yes it was." Ciaphas looked down the street and back at her. "Want to go off and explore this world while they have their own insanity?"
Amberley shrugged her shoulders. "Might as well, nothing better to do."
Leah, Charlie, and Jasper were surprised.
"The God-Emperor of Mankind is Looping," Jasper muttered. "The freaking God-Emperor of Mankind is Looping."
"Yeah," Charlie replied. "There a problem?"
"No, but the thought of derailing the plot sounds more appealing by the minute."
"Might be our only option," Leah said, face-palming. "Because I can't tell if he or Edward's the worse driver."
4.10 (Evilhumour, BNG1991, Angelform, Saphroneth and Ryuus2)
Leman blinked, looking at Vulkan and Magnus and then towards their father. It seemed that this was another attempt for him to 'bond' with his sons; appearing to be jovial and getting them all gifts.
Although, Leman would have to admit that their father missed the boat of a joking gift.
He got driving manual, cooking classes, 'Zahndrekh's Royal Meal for Dummies' and 'How to Ensure Your Passengers Have a Nice Ride' by Obyron. Magnus got a cellphone so he could call home quieter and a book called "Booga-Wooga Warpspace" by H. Orses Hit. Vulkan got a supersoaker, an Ikea catalog, a box of scraps and hair care products.
Konrad Curze was given a puppy, a book on making friends, a nightlight and a trip to the beach while Argon got anger and stress management classes. Perturabo got a book tilted the Prince, Mortarion got air fresheners and Jaghatai Khan was given an ordinary bike helmet. The twin Primarch Alpharius & Omegon were given name tags and matching footie pajamas. Sanguinius received bird seed while Lion El'Jonson was presented with a giant stuffed mouse and some catnip. Rouboute Guilliman was fittingly given a Smurf hat while Ferrus Manus got a big bucket of Legos. Fulgrim got spa coupons and Rogal Dorn had got My First Magic Kit. Corax was given a sheep helmet and Lorgar a robe.
Horus was simply given a Burger King crown and the promise of a boot to the head every time he complains about something...or frowns(smiles?)...or attempts patricide...courtesy of the Chaos Gods.
4.0 We had a lot of fun with this idea.
4.1 Magnus kept his fire stick
4.2 Moo.
4.3 Fish fu!
4.4 Not envious at all.
4.5 They tried to do paintball, but someone got pink paint onto some Orks...
4.6 In homage to "The Culture Explores Warhammer 40k"
4.7 Possible suitors for Leia
4.8 Leman...he's not that good at cooking.
4.9 He's got a plan
4.10 Not the best gifts...