5.1(Detective Ethan Redfield)
From the Memoir of Looping Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Multiverse, Edited by Amberley Vail, Ordos Loop as commissioned by the Emperor himself:
It is a rare loop where I am both Captain of the Guard of a town that is not being invaded by orcs or other monsters in the more psyker friendly universes like Arda. However, I found myself in such a universe. The world was known as Mystara, where psyker magi rain supreme. I was stationed in a small town called Edoras, very similar to the Arda counterpart, known for their horse riders. Their steeds could traverse the known lands in a day, such was their skill. Sadly, their breweries were miles behind their horseback skills.
I was appointed captain of the guard by a pitiful inbred noble who cared more for his coffers than the people he served under. He was also a poor judge of character since once again he couldn't recognize my fraudulent character as a hero. (1) However, Edoras was peaceful for the most part. Well within the borders of the local kingdom which escapes me even now, though darker adventurers came and sold some of their more ill gotten wares here.
A white dragon was known to reside a hundred Kloms from the city to the north, though it has proven peaceful for many a year. And then a Wizard appeared, asking for adventurers to slay the dragon. Not wanting my peaceful loop to end being frozen alive and smashed into a thousand pieces at the rage of such a beast, I attempted to talk down the psycher and make him see reason. For a moment, I thought I had gotten to him, only for the ruler to step in and offer a not so small reward for the dragon's head above his dining table. I can only imagine his reasoning being the fame the fallen dragon's skull would bring him should this mission succeed. Further if the magician and his team were to be delivered into the Emperor's Merciful Embrace, he wouldn't have to pay them, a true win-win for him. It was when the magician accepted the contract that my palms started itching.
With events in motion, I already began laying plans for the inevitable backlash. First, I hired all local psykers, especially those who could cast fly, blindness or sleep. Next was a re-training and endless practice with bows, arrows and ballistas. Finally, recalling all scouts and troops in the area to defend Edoras.
Two days later, the torn remains of the party tried returning to town, with said dragon in tow. The dragon looked like a Khornite worshipper had been told he was in an incestuous relationship with a Slaanesh cultist. The weapons were already in place to the north, and as the dragon approached, I ordered a volley of ballistas with rope attached. Most missed, but enough hit that the dragon was now anchored to the ground. The attack must have surprised the dragon, since he didn't immediately cut the ropes.
Entire squads of guards fly over the wall, empowered by our mages, and race towards the dragon intent on cutting his wings off. Those not flying were anchoring the dragon to the castle walls to prevent the beast from flying away.
Eventually the dragon recovers enough to cut his bonds, but by then the swordsmen are on him, hacking at the wings, poking holes in the leather and scales. Then the dragon starts gliding forward, perhaps intent on wrecking our town in revenge. His frost breath blasts over the town, killing hundreds and striking the palace. (2) I, on the other hand, have taken refuge in the highest tower furthest away from the battle. Of course, the guardsmen ate up the idea that I'm overseeing every step of the battle. Just after the ice blast, one of the soldiers must have scored a critical hit, because the dragon is now flailing as he drops from the sky, right towards my tower. (3) Between the option of certain death in the tower, or the slim chance of only broken bones, I leap off the tower, only to get caught up in the dragon's jaw and swallowed.
I jam my guardsman's sword in the dragon's throat, preventing me from falling into the highly acidic stomach that would flash melt me in seconds. Further, I knew it was only a matter of time before his ice breath would return, so I drew my chainsword, started up the power, and cut my way out of the dragon's throat. (4) I must have passed out, because next I know, I'm waking in the hospital wing, surrounded by concerned well wishers and bottles of the local ale. Unfortunately, this one incident caught the eye of the rulers of our kingdom, who called me into his throne room and sent me forth to, "slay all dragons that endanger our fair kingdom." (5)
1 - While Cain's actions remain self serving, he has long since redeemed himself of those qualities and serves as a true paragon of the mankind.
2 - As usual, Cain takes no notice of the fates of those around him. Said ice breath killed the ruler and his Lords of Staff.
3 - Actually, it was a certain fair Psyker Inquisitor that got a lucky blind spell that caused this.
4 - If you can call decapitating the dragon from inside the throat, then yes he sure did.
5 - He was also issued the title, dragon hero of Mystara, to Ciaphas' consternation.
5.2 (wildrook)
Leman cringed as he looked at the Golden Throne.
"Of all the people to be sitting on that chair," he said, "it HAD to be you."
"Aww, someone wants a hug," the red-coated man replied.
Leman cringed. "Why did you call me here? In fact, is there a reason why the Chaos Gods are neutralized and the Tyranids and Orks treating you like the second coming!?"
The man gave out a smirk. "Well, considering you're one of the more stable people here, let's just say that I went out for a walk."
"...You blessed humanity with the Ork battle cry when you visited every single one of their colonies."
"I take VERY enthusiastic walks...but the reason why the Chaos Gods are acting like they are right now...well...I was minding my own business..."
"HORSE APPLES!" Leman yelled.
"I WAS!"
"Fine...continue. You were 'minding your own business,' then..."
"Let's just say that Khorne and I have a few disagreements, Slaanesh was one hell of a demon in the sack, Nurgle now sees me as a walking disaster, and I ate the last one because he thought he was brilliant to plan my 'walks' for his own plans."
"You ATE the last one?" Leman yelled. "THAT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!"
"That's exactly what he kept screaming. Heck, imagine my reaction when I was successful in devouring him."
It was a good thing none of them were Awake. Especially since Leman is considering a vacation in either Equestria or stress relief in Forks. Then again, Tzeentch was always a crafty one...
"Anyways, that's when I decided to visit Khorne," the Crimson Emperor of Mankind replied. "But then this asshole named Horus came into the picture..."
'I would give anything to get out of this discussion right now,' Leman thought, enduring the rambling of the replacement.
5.3 (Delta Green)
The Emperor of Mankind woke up and something was… abnormal.
This wasn't strange per say, nowadays. Being one of the most consistently Awake Loopers of the 41st Millennium meant that he often woke up in strange situations, bizarre surroundings and sometimes-alien bodies (though he loathed being unable to change back to the form of Man when the last occurrence happened). Even the abrupt end of his latest Loop wasn't all that uncommon, considering that few Anchors were as physically powerful and durable as the eldest of Loopers, his son Leman and himself; all the same while the slight Code corruption he had felt was cause for worry, it wasn't all that rare either.
What was strange was the feeling in the Warp. Something was… wrong.
The Emperor was a special case, he knew. As the Greatest Psyker in all History, he'd always been more aware of shifts in Yggdrasil than most Loopers of his relative age. He'd attributed it to his specific existence in both the Materium and the Immaterium, making him both a temporal and timeless existence and thus more liable to feel the changes when they affected one or the other.
Or perhaps Yggdrasil was feeling generous and feeding him said hints in a way he could perceive. He wouldn't mind it if the explanation was that simple and humbling.
Of course, it wasn't as useful as the hard earned experience and trained affinity with Yggdrasil of the oldest Loopers. It was barely more than slight feelings or a sort of persistent nagging in the back of his head, normally. Just enough to give him hints towards the change in parameters or, if he was particularly familiar with the Loop, which Variant he had ended up in.
As an aside, he was never more relieved than when he felt the telltale signs of a Brighthammer Loop, where he could relax in the Imperium as it should have been.
But now, the normally quiet and subtle whispers echoing in the Warp had given way… to screams.
Yggdrasil was in pain. Yggdrasil had been damaged. Yggdrasil was mourning. Why?
... Something was missing. Something had been lost. But what? There! In his own mind! There was… a hole.
He could remember yet not-remember a series of Loops he had participated in. He could recall talking to people, but could not recall their faces or their words or who they were. Could remember being in a world that he could not remember. It was as if an entire section of reality had… vanished. Erased so utterly from the Code that not even memories remained.
What in all the deepest pits of the Warp had occurred?
A crash, perhaps? Serenity had spoken of those she had experienced, of course, and his own gambit had rested on forcing several near and outright crashes of his own Loop, but this was…
This was far worse than anything he had ever felt; far worse than anything Serenity had ever talked about. His own crashes had been nothing more than caresses compared to the agony Yggdrasil was radiating.
Something far worst than a mere crash had to have happened. He needed more information. Perhaps other Loopers were here and they would know more.
5.4 (Saphroneth)
"No."
"But-"
"No," Amberley repeated. "I am not going to-"
"But you're an Inquisitor!"
"Lord Russ, with all due respect, I refuse to use my Inquisitorial authority to requisition an orbital-drop capable Land Raider just because you want to take it out joyriding!"
Russ was silent for some seconds. Then he picked up Geri.
"Would you do it for the puppy?"
Amberley blinked.
A one-ton war wolf attempted to do puppy dog eyes.
"Leman?" Bjorn asked. "Did you have a stressful last loop?"
5.3 continued
A Loop of the universe Naruto originated from, it seemed. The strange energy he associated with the boy, and how hard it was to think of him as anything else despite his age, permeated everything around the Emperor. Trees, animals, insects, even rocks and earth coursed with the energy the natives called "chakra".
All except him.
Yet another sign of malfunction in Yggdrasil… and the screaming would not stop.
No matter. So long ago, He had sworn to Serenity he wouldn't carelessly reach out to Yggdrasil. He had barely arrived in this Loop, after all, and the Administrators would contact him when they had the time. He needed to pay attention to his current situation.
Ah, yes. The forest. The chakra permeating all things and other signs of which universe he found himself a temporary resident. How ironic was the use they made of the word, when he been alive when they were first elaborated in the Vedas and had discussed for months with Siddhartha amongst others about such things.
Then again, he'd much preferred his debates with Socrates than his discussions with Siddhartha. For all his enlightenment, the man was about as receptive to debate as a brick wall, whereas Socrates always welcomed an opportunity to question and discuss even the most absurd subjects. He'd often wished Siddhartha had been born slightly later, that he might have met the curious and stubborn old Athenian. He was sure their encounters would have been legend.
With half a thought, he donned his favourite disguise, the Old Man cloaked in grey with his wide hat. Odin, Merlin and Olorin, to name but a few… in his world he had inspired so many characters with his habit.
And now, he could honestly say he had met and talked with both Merlin and Olorin, people he held in respect and esteem for their wisdom and intelligence. The Loops did have their good side.
Yet more distractions from his worry, yet more ways to avoid thinking about it.
Very well. A quick glance through the Warp, assessing the nearest large concentration of human souls… Over there.
A twitch of his hand saw a wide branch torn off a mighty oak, stripped and carved into a stalwart staff. His disguise was complete.
A smile appeared on his lips. It had been so long since he'd been one of the Wise instead of an Emperor. He hoped he hadn't lost his touch.
Thus, he set off towards what he assumed was a Hidden Village.
5.5 (Evilhumour)
Leman was talking to Vulkan when all of a sudden Magnus grabbed his shoulder, turned him around and smashed his fist into his face.
Pulling himself out of the ruined building and holding his bleeding, broken nose, he looked up to see his enraged brother.
"Do you KNOW what hell I had to endure last loop?!" Magnus shouted, grabbed Leman by shoulders. "Everyone but me was a flipping girl, and they kept on hitting on me!" Smashing his fist into Leman's face again, he threw a fireball to the side. "And you were the worse!" And then Leman punched back, starting off another brawl.
Vulkan sighed; it seemed Magnus just got his first Incest-Harem Comedy loop. At least Magnus didn't have to deal with Slaanesh Waking up midway; seeing hir getting sick was not something he ever wanted to see again.
5.6 (Gamerex27)
"...so-"
Not. One. Word.
"I'm sorry, Father, but I can't not notice it! The Golden Throne...as in a..." he gestured to the gold-painted porcelain furniture as he spoke. "We've had bad Pun Loops before, but this-"
I know. And I would appreciate it if you never spoke of this to anyone outside of this Loop.
"...Only if you promise to stop freaking out whenever you Wake Up as a non-human."
Very well. Ask the Custodes to bring me a fresh roll of paper, and a new magazine: I have read this one a thousand times over.
4.6 continued
Leman Russ cleared his throat. "Welcome, Gentlemen, to a glorious battle: the first annual paintball tournament!"
"Why are we going along with this?" whispered one of the other primarchs.
Alas, the tournament soon devolved into an argument about whether a glancing blow could possibly "count", but before Leman could referee, it devolved further into a wrestling match. As Leman face palmed, he failed to notice a confused Ork wander off after getting hit with a pink paintball.
Meanwhile, The Culture was busy going Von Neumann, learning about Chaos, declaring war on Chaos, siccing the ROU Pest Control on the Tyranids, and debating whether or not Orks qualified as a hegemonizing swarm. To the dismay of the Eldar, they were also making friends with just about everyone else-especially the Necrons. The way in which that happened did nothing at all to soothe Eldar nerves...
"The Necrons note that the Culture has some desirable technology."
Curiosity Killed the Cat replied, "We are amenable to a technology trade if-"
"Get off my lawn, youngsters!" yelled the Necron Lord.
The Culture ship moved a lightyear further away, which assuaged the Necron in question.
"The Culture notes that the Necrons have technology that is also desirable, and would like to trade. What-"
"Get off my lawn, youngsters!"
Curiosity Killed the Cat retreated yet another lightyear. After a couple more repetitions of this, White Devil figured out the problem, and sent a message to Curiosity: "I believe he's trying to trade, except that the concept of trade is taboo to the Necrons...or else it's referencing a particularly badly damaged portion of his software. Hard to tell which one without more data. Mind if I take over?"
"If the Necrons will not grant the Culture or anyone knowledge of Necron technology...what would happen if the Culture were to attack and seize some technology?"
"We would attack the Culture as far as practical to retrieve it."
White Devil noted that this was 'not at all'. "What would the necrons consider a ceasefire breaking event?"
"A fusion-plasma reaction drive landing on a Tomb world."
After that, it was just a matter of prodding the necrons into listing more technologies they found interesting, and sending the "attack" once the necrons had moved some of their technology to the surface, where it could be displaced. Thus it was that the Culture came to trade by "attacking" the Necron world, and getting counter-"attacked" in return.
"The Culture's hostile actions against this Tomb World must stop. "
"We apologize for the independent action. We had a minor intelligence malfunction. The Culture emphasizes its peaceful relationship with the Necrons. "
"The Necrons regard the Culture as honorable enemies and will grant a temporary ceasefire. "
"D'you believe the rumors?"
Leman Russ shrugged. "Which ones? The ones about how the emperor's prophets supplied a trader with enough food to feed an entire Hive World for days, or the ones about how the emperor himself obliterated an entire fleet of Tyranids in the blink of an eye?"
"I meant the ones about pink Orks."
Leman did a spit take. "Did you say…pink…Orks?"
"Uh, yeah, why?"
Leman paled.
In the warp, a Tzeentchian sorcerer plotted, schemed, and cast his runes. It was becoming very clear that, as long as the Eldar were working with the Culture, stopping the Culture was next to impossible...but perhaps, just perhaps, he could drive a wedge between the Culture and the Eldar...
He found his wedge: in the far, far future, in the possibilities where the Culture won, there was a rift between the Eldar, as one craftworld drifted closer to the Culture and the others objected. If he could bring this future to the attention of the Eldar now, he could drag the eldar into a vision-war that would leave them blind and fractious for years!
But when he went to reach for it, to drag it closer to the present...PINK exploded into his vision, his head, his nose, his everything, and he screamed.
5.7 (Gamerex27)
"So, what's Corpse Daddy up to?" Tzeentch asked, mashing several planks of wood together at the crafting table.
"Out looking for other humans," Leman replied, ignoring the insult towards his father. "But from what I heard from down the grapevine, it's only ever other Loopers, and I only heard so many Pings. The Testificates don't really count."
"C'mon, little fella!" Nurgle cooed in the background, trying to carry a Slime out of the mineshaft. "Easy does it...Papa Nurgle will feed you. I'm sure there's enough bone marrow in these anatomically incorrect skeletons for you!"
"Khorne mentioned that he was going into the Nether to fight some Ghasts," Tzeentch said. "Of course, he kept whining about how he didn't want to use my sorcery to go there, but he finally did it when I reminded him he'd already killed all the wildlife on the continent."
"Remind me why I'm hanging out with you all, again?" Leman snarked.
"Because the same old raping and pillaging gets old after a few kalpa," Slaanesh said, hir voice penetrating the thin glass blocks of Chez Chaos. "If we didn't spice things up, we'd get stagnant. Which is a major turn-off for Chaos, as you know by now."
"Three diamonds that shi's building a giant phallus!" Nurgle yelled from the other side of the biome.
"Please," the God of Excess huffed, "that would be too easy."
5.8 (elmagnifco)
Bjorn Haakonsen, sometimes the Fell-Handed, former Chapter Master of the Space Wolves, part-time engine of destruction and full-time space marine, was getting a little annoyed.
Life as one of Mankind's finest warriors was never dull or particularly safe. Bjorn didn't mind this, it was almost literally part of the job description. Bruises, burns, cuts and eviscerations were all in the line of duty, and as a Space Marine he wasn't averse to taking them, and the rank in fact made him uniquely resistant.
What galled him was the traitorous nature of the equipment.
Melta guns worked well enough, their problem was range. The heat-lance dissipated the further you were from the target. To crack armor you had to get so close you might as well get out your lightning claws. Not the best option for taking on a Chaos armored division. Not the worst either, but getting run over by traitorous Land Raiders got old around the tenth time it happened.
Krak missiles ran into the classic problem of ammunition. A missile massacre is all well and good, but in a pinch you only had as many shots as you could carry, which was not many if you expected to bring proper melee weapons too.
That left what was currently Bjorn's least-favorite piece of technotheological machinery in the multiverse. The Imperial Plasma Cannon. Which was unreliable in its own highly energetic manner, and had put him in this predicament once again. By blowing up.
Bjorn's ceramite-cased fist slammed against the armor he was lying on as the Flutashai Main Battle Tank brought his mangled body away from the front. He could tell by now that the injuries would be enough to warrant interment in one of those bloody walking sarcophagus fridges again.
There had to be a better way.
5.9 (Gamerex27)
"Put everyone on lockdown!" Shinji Ikari warned, manifesting himself in front of the Golden Throne.
Mere milliseconds after he appeared, the Emperor sent a psychic message to his Custodes and other assorted guards: that the visitor was an Imperial-sanctioned Psyker, sent to warn the Emperor himself of an oncoming disaster (after what happened with Fenrir, the Emperor had learned to warn his forces not to shoot when faced with non hostile guests). Indeed, using his powers over the Warp itself, he could see a storm brewing on the horizon.
What troubles you, Shinji Ikari?
It's not just him, said a voice inside both of their heads. Squinting, the Emperor focused his mortal eyes on an insect landing on the floor next to the Ancient Looper. With a series of disquieting crunching and squishing noises, the fly morphed into a young human male, no older than Shinji's biological age.
Jake Berenson. My son has told you of your efforts to save mankind from Xeno invaders in your own Loop. It is a pleasure to meet you.
Jake winced at the mention of his last name, millennia of hiding from the Yeerks making him flinch when his full name was used. "Your Highness, or whatever you want to be called, we've got a BIG problem. Someone decided that it would be a great idea to get all of Yggdrasil's worst drivers in one place and hold a tournament."
"Marco, Misato, Leman, Jurgen, Shepard, Gogo, Kirk, Maya Amano, Dr. Gerald, SpongeBob (Unawake, I hope,) and way too many others to count," Shinji listed off.
"Which is why they're all here," Magnus chimed in, teleporting into the Emperor's hall with a cartoonish "POP." "And they're doing it...on Terra."
...Are you suggesting that I evacuate the entire planet?
"It would be easier to just put them on Venus or something," the Animorph suggested. "They're way too stubborn to talk down from this: by the time you'd be able to get there and talk to them, they'll probably have mowed down an entire hemisphere by accident."
Indeed. I already see them at the starting line. I shall do what I can, but even if I were to move them to another planet, the damage these individuals, Looping or not, could inflict may result in billions of deaths.
"Wait," Shinji said, snapping his fingers, "I got it! Quick, use some of your power to put them on this track."
With a flick of his wrist, Shinji levitated a set of large blueprints out of his Pocket and in front of the Emperor's face. He took one glance at it, and had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.
"Rainbow Road?" You who is older than myself, you realize that this is a death trap. There are many places where they could drive off the track, and end up inflicting serious harm on themselves and the solar system.
"And the most likely way we can hammer it into their heads that they need driving lessons, badly."
Perhaps you have a point. I shall focus my power to move them and build this track.
"And may the Warp have mercy on us all," Magnus said bitterly.
5.10 (Evilhumour with Ryuus2's help)
Issun Woke up to the potentially terrifying experience of teeth gnawing on him, but one he was well used to.
He was used to Ammy not being Ammy. He was used to seeing her replaced with other loopers and individuals and all of them punishing him the same way Ammy did; even that griffin Gilda did it! Jumping out of this person's mouth, he took stock of his situation.
His partner this time was male (not unusual), even bigger than Amy's prior incarnation (that was rare), and seemed to be completely comfortable in his new body (not as uncommon as you'd think).
Sending out a ping, he was glad that he got one back.
His looping memories told him that the wolf Frekanui and the backstory was semi-normal, although it seemed that there were a few more demons to deal with. But he brushed it off; after all, how bad could things be?
5.11 (Ryuus2)
"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow," Vulcan sang to himself as he worked. He'd decided to make his hermitage on an icy death world this time, just outside the conquered reaches of the galaxy. It was so cold that the human habitants had retreated below the continent spanning glaciers to draw heat from thermal vents to survive. He'd had to dig one of his own to power his forge. He would occasionally brave the sub-zero temps to partake of the planet's amazing frozen vistas. They were truly awe-inspiring, and he'd directed that inspiration into his latest project. It was to be a gift for the first of his looping brothers, Leman Russ, the only person he could think of that would truly appreciate the chilling majesty that had inspired its design.
Keeping the frozen peaks of a nearby chain of glaciers in mind, Vulcan had master crafted a great chain-axe. Its girth and heft were enough that a normal Astartes would need two hands to best wield it, but that his lupine brother would find little difficulty wielding one-handed. Using the blistering winds as a measure, he'd tuned the engine to howl like the hunting wolf-beasts of his brother's home world. Shards of blue-grey diamonds unearthed while digging the thermal vent were carefully shaped into teeth that would rip through even the sturdiest power armor. The casing and shaft were treated adamantium, inscribed with Fenrisian runes for Courage, Valor, Honor, and Victory.
As a final touch, he'd affixed a wolf-head ornament to the upper casing that, when viewed from behind as only its wielder could, revealed a hidden butterfly etched on the back of the wolf's head. It was to serve as a reminder to his brother that his Little Mother was always with him, and would be waiting for him when he came down from his battle rage.
Satisfied with the fruits of his labor, Vulcan mounted his creation to rack pulled from his subspace pocket. It was a very large rack, with room enough for as many as 18 similar weapons, unfilled as of yet.
Vulcan dismissed the rack back into his soul and moved over to his massive desk. Taking his seat and grabbing a giant novelty pencil (which fit perfectly in his giant hand), he pulled out the notes and sketches he'd made for his next project, a Force Sword in gold filigree. He poured over it for a good while, straightening a line here, embellishing a curve there, and generally enhancing the design. After a few minutes more careful consideration, he jotted a quick note next to the design that read simply 'make it glow red.'
Finally satisfied, he moved back to his forge while looking through his pocket for his supply psychically reactive metal. Humming the opening bars to "Paint it Black," he got to work.
5.7 continued (Evilhumour)
Everyone glared at the flat chest person sitting in the chair.
The person glared back before standing up and flipped the desk.
"I'M SORRY!" They shouted, everyone else too burdened to get up. "How the fuck was I suppose to know that would crash the loop?!"
"Go suck a tree Slaanesh!" Liddy shouted, stuck by her massive chest. "Why the fuck are you like that? This is Eiken!"
Slaanesh growls were cut off as the intercom went off.
"Greetings my dear loopers, this is Principle Fenrir speaking. As you might notice, Slaanesh is the only one that isn't being punished by having massive assists. That is because Slaanesh is an eunuch to properly punish hir for crashing the Minecraft loop I set up for you idiots. I repeat, Slaanesh is an eunuch because shi crashed the Minecraft loop doing that. Shi'll be unable to enjoy anything this loop so you can stop your bitching and take in the lesson not to do that ever again. That is all."
The stink eye from Slaanesh as shi sat back down was legendary, muttering death threats and curses at all the laughing loopers.
5.12 (Gamerex27)
"What?" Leman asked, clearing out his ear with his finger. "Did...did I hear you right?"
"Yes, my lord," the Custodes repeated. "The Emperor threw his blade through Horus's throat as soon as he appeared in his hall. He cut the head off of the great beast, and the body soon followed. He did impale an unfortunate Guardsman, but he is healing at a remarkable rate."
Ollanius, then, Leman idly thought. "And where is he now?"
"On the Golden Throne," the guard replied. "He said that there was 'work to be done,' and retired there as soon as the last of the daemons were purged from Holy Terra. Do you mean to request an audience with him?"
Several minutes later, Leman stepped into the room...and barely managed to stay upright, as he slipped on a stray piece of paper and grabbed onto a nearby carving of the Imperial Eagle for support. 'What-"
Mind the paperwork, my son. The ink has yet to dry.
Looking down the rest of the room, Leman saw his father, the God-Emperor of Mankind...wearing a pair of spectacles and filling out paperwork.
"What is all this?' the Primarch asked, glancing at the stacks of paper covering every square inch of the floor (ranging from ankle to neck height, by a Space Marine's standards).
I...found myself in a disagreeable Variant, the Emperor admitted, stamping the Imperial Seal on yet another dotted line, and...I am ashamed to admit it...took leave of my senses.
According to Fenrir, he continued, I unleashed what he called "a tenth to a fifth of the power levels a Looper would need to Ascend." My actions deleted what he called the "cache file" from reality itself. That Variant shall never be able to run again. Good riddance.
"Was it really so bad that you, of all people, went berserk?"
It was akin to staring into a broken mirror, the Emperor admitted. Imagine seeing the worst depths a human being can sink to. Imagine depravity that would make Sakura herself weep in horror. Imagine depravities that would disgust an Unawake Nurgle, or force an Unawake Slaanesh to decline their advances.
Knowing that his father had a flair for the dramatics, Leman decided not to bother trying to wring the truth out of him, since it would always, inevitably, be overblown, if only slightly. "A Chaos God-Emperor Loop, then? Or perhaps a Bureau?"
No. I faced a perversion of one of the Original Seven, those who exceed even my age. In that version of him was the antithesis to everything I believe in. I...did not take it well. Fortunately, as I merely deleted a Sleeping mortal's soul from reality, no permanent damage was done to Yggdrasil, and that particular Variant's "cache file" was deleted. However, there is still penance to pay for my mistake.
"I assume this is where the paperwork comes in."
Yes. Fenrir was upset with me, though not as much as I was with myself. I volunteered to fill out the paperwork to report the loss of a cache file in penance. And I have spent the last hundred Loops alone doing this work. I have only a few billion sheets to go.
"Do...you need any help, father?" Leman asked.
No. This is my burden to bear. Now, I sense that Slaanesh is attempting to give the Orks a sexual education class. I need not remind you what happened last time shi did that. As I am too busy, would you kindly-
"Just as long as they have some acid-proof plating for my armor, yes," Leman cut him off. "An entire keg of Brain Bleach, and I still can't wipe the WAAAGH away."
Thank you-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'IN TRIPLICATE?!' The Emperor suddenly boomed. As the walls began to shake around them, Leman wisely decided that now would be an excellent time to get the hel out of dodge.
5.13 (Evilhumour)
Navi was Woke up early in this loop, in what her friends called the Ocarina of Time starting point. Sending off pings as she flew towards where Link was, she thought of how she would try to prove herself this loop when she heard a thud from within Link house.
Flying faster as she got two pings back; she frowned at the large child in Link's place as she flew inside, her loop memories kicking in. While they still named him Link, he was definitely not the normal Link and more than likely a new looper. He was a tall kid with very shaggy hair; and unlike the baseline history for Link, the baby was not found in front of the Deku Tree but several months later almost completely wild. It had taken a lot of work from her and Saria to civilize the child, with him sliding back every now and then, running on all fours, scratching himself with his foot, and generally acting like a wild wolf. The village children had done their best to make him welcome and she had done her best to raise him.
Flying around him, she asked "Hey, hey, are you alright?"
The boy groaned, a hand weakly reaching around as he stayed down on knees. "Human. Not used to."
"Oh." She blinked; it was a bit rare that they got a looper that wasn't humanoid, even more so that had little chance to be bipedal. "Do you need some help?" she could have smacked herself, for that stup-
"Y-yes-" he growled before whimpering. "Not used to talk with words." The child shuddered which prompted Navi to gently navigate the child back to his bed with a gentle tone, reassuring when he fumbled and doing her best to help him get used to being a human.
Finally, the boy was sitting upright on his bed, and flashing her a fanged smile that spoke of his gratitude. She understood it from some sort of instinctual response, and she figured that getting him to speaking was something to be gradually done, as was the rest of what they would need to do. First, she would need to learn the true name of the child across of her. So she asked him what was his real name.
The boy simply responded with, "Geri."
"Well Geri, I think it would be easier if I told you of my loop first as speaking seems a bit difficult for you. Is that ok?"
The boy nodded his head and Navi began to tell a tale that would span time itself.
5.14 (Gamerex27)
The door to Mac's bar opened, and a shoggoth proceeded to drag a drooling gryphon into the bar with its tentacles.
Mac glanced at the Cutie Mark both non-ponies inexplicably shared: an eight-pointed star. "Want me to open up a tab, Nurgle?"
"You never charge Loopers," the plague god said, seating the gryphon on a stool and propping him up with a few macroscopic bacteria. "And this is not a time for jokes. My companion need help. Badly."
Mac looked at Tzeentch for a long time. The glazed eyes, the drooling, the occasional whimpers of terror...and the hormones of anti-arousal Mac's trained senses from eons of working with fermenting crops he picked up on. There was only one explanation.
"Who'd he walk in on?"
"Slaanesh and Naoki."
Big Mac winced. Putting aside the Equestrian fear/distrust of the Mad Anchor, that couple did not seem like anything he ever wanted to see. Or think about. Or be in the same Loop in. "Was it a one night stand, or..."
"Me only knows. No, wait, I don't, and I have no desire to. My dear boy, we need the strongest drink you've got."
The entire bar fell quiet at this request. Twilight and the rest of the Elements of Harmony gazed at each other warily, then dived into their Subspace Pockets in perfect, practiced unison.
Nodding gravely, Mac ducked underneath the bar, and was followed by the sounds of dozens of electronic, bioelectric, arcane, and mundane locks turning and opening. A few minutes later, he popped back up, gingerly holding a small bottle no bigger than a teacup in his hoof.
"Don't. Spill. Any of. It," Mac warned, as he slowly and carefully poured it into the mug.
Nurgle glanced at the label on the bottle. "Are you trying to swindle us? That label clearly says it's the second strongest drink in your collection!"
"Strongest stuff is fer Admins only," Mac replied. "A Looper drinks any of it, it automatically crashes the Loop fer safety's sake. An' that's just the stuff from my stock: Oak knows what's in Berry's personal cellar."
"Very well, then." Nurgle tipped the drink into his fellow Chaos God's mouth, then took a sip for himself. "Keep it coming."
4.6 continued
Pink Orks began to spread across the galaxy like wildfire. It would not be long before the Culture clashed with said Orks...
Leman Russ ducked as a pink Ork sailed over his head, shot out of a canon. "Two more months", he muttered. "Two more months of fighting, then I'll call it a lost cause.
Report on the Tau by the GCU Peacemaker:
The Tau, despite their possible use of mind control to prop up their society (see also: Ethereals), seem to be quite compatible with our society: they are largely peaceful, tend to have a better understanding of their own technology than the Imperium, and have an overall scientific outlook on the world. Additionally, their "warp skimming" technology appears to be compatible with hyperdrive; a preliminary test ship went at twice the rate of a purely hyperspace ship of the same size, though it suffered noteworthy engine damage every time it "bounced" off of the warp (roughly .5% of operative capacity was lost with each bounce). One individual has proposed adding an IoM gellar field to see if this helps reduce degradation.
Additionally, the Tau are rather concerned about Tyranid attacks; the ROU "Slightly Odd Zookeeper" has been dispatched to deal with the largest group, though I must confess concern about the morality of his methods...
The Slightly Odd Zookeeper cooed at the Tyranid hiveship held in his fields. "Who's a cute little Tyranid hive? You are! Oh yes you are a cute little hive! Oh yes you are!"
The Tyranids could only screech in futile indignation.
Report on the Orks:
Standard reform attempts have met with...mixed results, to put it mildly. Their ability to take a practically harmless sport and turn it into something lethal is nigh unbelievable. They also possess the ability to reconstruct almost any technology from mere scraps, including, to a limited extent, our own; there is some debate as to whether the fact that reconstructed technology is more likely to explode than their own should be reassuring or alarming.
Quitely Confident/Sleeper Service claims to be having more luck...
"So", said the Ork Warboss to the hologram. "You is actchally dis big huge ship, wid mostly engin, an' da rest is odder warships?"
"Indeed so", said Quietly Confident.
One of the orks listening to the conversation outright squeed.
"OY! Dat's unorky!" yelled the warboss.
"But, boss!" protested the hapless Ork. "Id's a big huge ship dat's ninety percent engine an' da rest is odder warships!"
The Ork Warboss considered this for a moment. "So id is, boyz, so id is."
'And just think' thought Quietly Confident, 'I haven't even told them about my ability to destroy planets just by breaking too hard.'
5.15 (Evilhumour)
Leman rubbed his face in disbelief, with Bjorn just shaking his head at the sight in front of them.
It seemed that both Freki and Geri had their own separate and powerful formative loops, considering how they both knocked the unAwake Emperor around like a rag doll with their massive chainblades, along with a series of bombs, lighting, fire, summoned storms, arrows, a few different masks, a fishing pole, and a dozen other stuff that finally knocked out the fool out. Leman, Bjorn and the rest of the Space Wolves were beyond impressed at the two Fenrisian Wolves, but then the two decided to have a little competition of sorts between them.
Donning their unfamiliar battle forms once more, the two immediately set to prove which of them was the superior warrior. Freki turned snow white with red markings and with a tail literally dripping with ink and Geri's forehead was glowing the imprint of a yellow triangle, a massive chainblade that had a purple hilt and wings in his mouth and wearing that green hat on his head before leaping at each other. The two of them had fought for several days, knocking out a recovering Emperor again by accident, only to reach a stalemate.
Now they were having fun with their powers, and trying to determine between themselves if it should be day or night, with one painting in the sun and other singing in the moon on an ocarina. They were also both holding tanks of Fenrisian Ale and drinking from it without any trouble.
"Any ideas of how we'll deal with this one, my lord?" Bjorn asked, sighing. "Or how they're doing this?"
"No..." Leman started before shaking his head. "And I think our Admin is at fault here..." He tilted his head towards the small bundle of fur between the two giant war wolves, who quickly turned his head around and stuck his tongue out at him.
5.16 (Gamerex27)
"I still can't believe you've actually started to resort to petty pranks," Magnus muttered, as he followed Tzeentch into Slaanesh's room.
"It's not like we can actually do anything else in a Hub Loop," his former patron replied. "No powers, and no Chaos. At all. On the other hand, shi can't fight back if we raid hir for blackmail material!" he said, grinning as he rifled through Slaanesh's dresser.
"...You do realize that shi has no shame?" Magnus asked incredulously as Tzeentch tossed aside clothing that would make mere mortal eyes burst into flame from their sheer audacity.
"I never said that I was going to blackmail hir with it," the god muttered, finally disentangling Slaanesh's little black book/checklist from a wrapped-up whip. "Just imagine what I could do with dirt on so many different beings! It's like getting a second hand in poker, and it's a free royal flush!"
"Just take that and get out of here," the Primarch grumbled, "before we both go blind from all the pornography shi's stapled to the walls.
Ignoring him, Tzeentch flipped the book open. "Let's see here...BDSM list, 'vanilla' list, 'chocolate' list, 'strawberry,' 'Who I'll ne...ver..."
"Seriously?" Magnus asked. "Shi's got standards?!"
Tzeentch just stared at the book. Wordlessly, he flipped the book over to Magnus.
"Not him, never him," he read aloud, " 'cause he's too boring to get any fun out of,' and..."
Both beings stared at the book for several moments. Eventually, they were interrupted by Slaanesh casually strolling into the room.
"Oh, interested?" shi asked, clearly not bothered in the slightest that the two intruders were rifling through hir stuff. "Honestly, that stuff's dry. I think I'll just tell you what I ended up-"
"There's something very wrong with this entry," Magnus suddenly said.
"Huh?" Slaanesh grabbed the book from his hands, and glanced at the page. "Oh, him. With how self-centered the bastard is, he wouldn't notice if the fucking planet exploded with him on it, much less if I had any kind of sex with him. It'd be about as satisfying as screwing a brick wall. A brick wall with an ego the size of the Eye of Terror."
"Not him. Whoever...this is." Tzeentch said. "And I mean that literally, because whatever I just read vanished from my mind."
Slaanesh looked at the page again. For a second, hir face flickered with...pity? Hate? Sorrow? But the moment shi looked up from it, hir face scrunched up in confusion.
"What the fuck is that?!" shi snapped. "I know there's something written there, but it's like someone ripped the information from my mind!"
"I...may have heard about this earlier?" Magnus said hesitantly. "Some...kind of anti-memetic enchantment? Did...you have sex with some kind of memory-erasing...thing?"
Slaanesh glared at the page again, hir face morphed into that same unrecognizable expression, then went right back to normal the second shi looked away. "I know who-what-whatever it is when I look-the information's there-but the second I look away, it's gone. I mean, normally something this mysterious would turn me on, but something about this..."
Both of them turned to look at Tzeentch, who just shrugged. "I've been casting every memory-related spell I know since you walked in here," he simply said, "and none of them worked. There's something written there, and whatever it is, it made my skin crawl. I'm going right to the Black Library the moment I Wake Up next time. This...feels...off."
5.1 Another day in the life of the Hero of the Imperium! people.
5.2 The Crimson F*cker folks.
5.3 Things are going to get bad as Yggdrasil looms closer to the infamous Crash.
5.4 It's a poor idea to let Leman take anything out for a ride.
5.5 Not many people like incest harem comedy loops.
5.6 The Golden Throne indeed
5.7 For in the grim dark future, there is only griefing, and the frustrated cries of thirsting gods as a Creeper's explosion knocks them into the lava and makes them lose the diamonds they spent half the Loop collecting. And to what Slaanesh did: shi created a Homing Hydra Wither Enderdragon Shark Creeper Penis Kooshball. A HHWESCPK, if you will.
5.8 We all want improve ourselves from time to time.
5.9 Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!...And immediately drive off the track and ram into the guardrails or the other racers!
5.10 Nippon is quite a shock
5.11 A gift from one brother to another
5.12 Some Variant Loops are horrible. That Variant isn't totally gone, mind you: Emps is a Large Ham, but he did enough damage that it won't be able to run for a LONG time. Several million kalpa, at least. The incident in question is the end of 5.3
5.13 Time to play you the song of my people.
5.14 The Anchor for one of the infamous Amala Loops, and a case study in how infinity can utterly break a person. He was busy slaughtering Tau at the time when they met, and Slaanesh happened to pop in when shi was looking for someone to try this whole "consensual sex" thing with. They met, and proceeded to...somewhere, where they had sex involving a broken watch, a COMP, some severed heads, Robute Guilman's corpse, an Unawake Khorne's stolen Skull Throne, and an entire chapter of Space Marines. Tzeentch walked in on them, and his mind temporarily shattered into the next Loop. The Emperor also did so at one point, but was made of sterner stuff, so he only saw things that gave him a migraine trying to understand the non-Euclidian geometry of -CENSORED-. Eventually, the Eye of Terror started blinking, and the Loop crashed.
5.15 Leman's wolf brothers are quite versatile now in fighting and drinking.
5.16 Some things are beyond even the gods. Two options: either shi had sex with an anti-memetic entity like a Silence or SCP-055, or it involves something with Am #%Huh? I clearly wrote Am #%! Uh, technical difficulties, folks, blame it on Al%&* damnit!