Fullmetal Horcrux Chapter 4: Day 1, Harry and Whats-Her-Face

Disclaimer: Do I own or do I not own the franchises of Harry Potter and FMA? That is the question(That no one has ever asked).

Harry and Hermione happily hopped along to their classes. Harry, because walking was for peasants, and Hermione since she got to be in the same house as Harry. Transfiguration with McGonagall was their first class together as Gryffindors.

"Hello everybody! I am here, we can start now!" Harry entered with a flourish. The children's eyes widened and their mouths fell into little o's. All of them from awe, but some were in awe of how stupid, inane and irritating he could be.

"Mr. Potter, learn to calm yourself. The transfiguration classroom is no place for your tomfoolery." The old witch walked up front and began speaking. Harry's eyes glazed over with such intensity that they reminded the hungrier students of the breakfast they missed, while Hermione hung on every word as though her life depended on it.

"Did you hear that Harry? We'll be able to transform objects!"

"Yes, yes. Such things are trippy-al to a wizard like me."

"Is that so Mr. Potter?" The old witch loomed over him "Do you reckon that you are able to transfigure a chair into a table?"

Harry glanced nervously across the classroom before hearing a fellow student snicker. At this he puffed out his chest, he would show them his true arching might! Drawing his wand from his robes with a flourish, Minerva snatched the wand from his hand.

"Mr. Potter! The correct answer in transfiguration is not to answer. Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention with me for the next week."

"Not our house points!" Some kid fell to his knees and grasped at the sky. "Nooooooooo!"

"Mr. Sturton, calm yourself. And Mr. Potter, you will have your wand confiscated for the rest of my class. I won't be having you harm anyone with your wild shenanigans." The boring old bat resumed her boring old lecture about boring old safety and the boring old rules of transfiguration. He glared at his transfiguration book in anger. So intent were his glares that the class quickly passed for him and McGonagall thought he was studying to rectify his mistakes. As if.

His next class was potions with Professor Snapple. Harry was getting quite thirsty at the moment and didn't know how to summon himself water. He tried "Soomon Watar" but that didn't work, so there probably wasn't a spell for it. After all if the Great HP couldn't do it, who could? HerMinny talked to him about their transfiguration class with McBoringPants and how he could summon an ocean to him in a couple years if he worked.

"Stuuuupid, you can't drink an ocean!" And Harry forbid, working? Inconceivable! "'sides, I'm sure there'll be a potion I can drink."

Inside the room deep under Hogwarts awaited Snape, with a hooked nose and piercing eyes, he watched the new students enter.

"Welcome class to potions." His voice was terse as he spoke through clenched teeth. "In this class you will be dealing with the elegant art of potion-making. Frivolous wand-waving will do you no good and I expect you to be EXACT and PRECISE and DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO." Snape stopped to breath a moment before doing roll call.

"Ah yes, Mr. Potter. Our new…celebrity." He coughed into his hand "excuse me, I apologize. At least there's no way you'll be as bad as…"

"A CELEBRITY? I AM THE GREAT, THE AWESOME, THE COOLIO HARRY POTTER-BAKA! GET IT RIGHT SNAPPLES!" The room froze.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for disorderly conduct, Mr. Potter."

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY SNAPPLES?"

"TWENTY points from Gryffindor for disorderly conduct, Mr. POTTER."

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?"

"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR, POTTER!."

"OH YEAH, WELL FIFTY POINTS FROM THE TEACHERS!"

"SIXTY POINTS!"

"SEVENTY POINTS!"

"ONE HUUUUNNNDDREEEEDD POINTS MISTER POTTER!" With that Snape cast a silencing charm on the unruly student, who continued to gesticulate wildly. Joshua Sturton was on the floor in the fetal position, weeping.

"Not our house points, no! We'll never win now! Curse that Potter, cuuuuurrrrssseeee hiiiiiiiim!"

"And another ten for overreacting." Snape announced coolly, glaring down. Today was absurd. The only thing he found less believable than this was the fact that 250 points wasn't even the most he'd taken away today.

"Harry, perhaps you better calm down, you made quite a scene back there." Harry, of course, didn't need the advice of Herninny. Potions CLEARLY weren't important if they assigned someone named Snapple to teach. Luckily they were going to a new class now with Professor Sprout. Strangely she was teaching something called 'Erbology', her name made it seem like she'd be teaching about plants and Herbs.

"Oh good evening little ones! My name is Professor Sprout and I will be teaching you all about plants this year. I am also head of the Hufflepuff house."

"What's a Hufflepuff?" asked one of Harry's enemies. Harry knocked on the table with a stick. He'd been cursed by that boy after all. Still it was a good question.

"What a good question! Ten points to Gryffindor! But we wouldn't want the others to feel left out would we? Ten points to Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin as well. Hufflepuff is the house of the loyal, the friendly, the…"

"Miony, is there a way we can skip through this?" he asked. Just because the Great Harry Potter didn't know, didn't mean someone couldn't serve him and save him from the torment.

"Shhh, pay attention!" The rude girl shushed him! He was doing her a favor by interrupting Green Bean!

"…the epitome of friendship and loyalty that are my dearest Hufflepuffs! Oh it makes me so happy. Point to Gryffindor, point to Hufflepuff, point to Ravenclaw, point to Gryffindor, Point to Slytherin!" With each house name she called she flicked her wand and sent sparks of that color flying.

"What about plants? Aren't we gonna learn about 'Erbology?" Harry demanded. He wanted to see some foliage, dammit!

"Oh yes yes, quite right. Thank you Mr. Potter, ten points to Gryffindor." From beneath her she brought out a fern with a pinecone in it. Harry would have classified it as miniature Encephalartos Sclavoi if not for the eyeball on top of the pinecone and the way it twisted its ferns. Green Bean reached out her hand and gave it a handshake, leaving the skin that contacted it a startling green color.

"This is one of my favorites! His name is Bernard, I got him many years ago. This kind of plant is Tanzanian Watcher, I invite you all to come here to pet Bernard."

Harry stayed right in his seat. Cycads were known to make you nuts; he wasn't touchin' the thing. Herminne nudged him up.

"Come on Harry. You've got to get up, Professor Sprout has her eyes on you."

"No way, nu-uh, never in a billion years. That thing'll make you crazy!" Ermione huffed off over to stand in line to the plant. Green Bean eyed him. He was the only one smart enough not to fall into the tricky trap. Luckily he, the great Harry Potter, could tell that the plant was just acting friendly, it was just a…a…a rouge!

"Harry, what are you doing over there? Why don't you come say hello to Bernard?" Her face was stuck in a fake smile. It was really creeping him out.

"Nope." He said flatly. Green Bean narrowed her eyes, but forgot to get rid of her smile. Creepy.

"Now, now. I'm sure you two will get along just fine." Harry just shook his head as hard as he was able.

"If you don't I might have to," Green Bean began to tear up "take away house points."

"I'll take points away from YOU if you make me."

"One…one point from Gryffindor." She stammered before automatically amending it. "And Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff."

"Well five points from the teachers." Harry folded his arms. The Stilton kid who cursed him began to pale.

"F-f-five points from Gryffindor!"

"Fifty points from the teachers."

"Fifty points from Gryffindor." Green Bean then fainted. His enemy began convulsing and cursing at him. Harry just put his hands on his hips with a triumphant smile. He was H.P., nobody could make him do anything. Except maybe McGonagall.