Despite the late hour, Shiro quickly discovered that no one was even pretending to sleep as he did his rounds to check on them before bed.
Pidge's door opened at his touch, and he poked his head around the edge. He was not the least bit surprised to find her wide awake and hard at work, fingers flying over her laptop keyboard at a furious pace, her face set in an expression of intense concentration as she tried to decode the files left behind by her predecessor at the Blade of Marmora headquarters. Not wanting to disturb her, he simply chuckled and withdrew. There was no point even trying to get her to go to bed, not when she was so focused on a project. Instead he settled for nudging the quiet presence of the Black Lion in the back of his mind.
Tell Green to make sure she sleeps at some point, okay?
Black's response was a ripple of amusement and an impression of doubt that even Green could convince her stubborn paladin to rest when she didn't feel like it. Shiro rolled his eyes, letting the Lion feel his own amused agreement. I know, but tell her to try anyway.
A warm feeling of assent flowed through his head as he left Pidge's room behind and continued down the hallway. Some of the bedroom doors stood slightly ajar, an indicator left for him that their occupants were elsewhere, and he couldn't help but give a grateful smile as he brushed a metal palm lightly over the surface of Lance's door. Perceptive kid. Shiro was pretty sure he was the one who'd noticed the nightly check-ins and come up with the system to make it easier for him. It let him bypass the other paladins' rooms and head straight for the lounge instead.
Sure enough, Lance's voice was audible as he approached, although too muffled to make out the words, and Hunk's quiet reply. Shiro rapped lightly at the doorframe to announce his presence as he arrived. "Hey guys. You doing okay?" He asked, leaning against the frame.
The pair was sitting on the floor, leaning against the foot of one of the couches amidst a mess of blankets. Across the room, a movie was playing on the screen Hunk and Coran had set up, something animated that Shiro didn't recognize, although neither seemed to be paying much attention to it. Surprisingly, they seemed to be the only ones in the room.
Lance looked up and started to nod, then seemed to think better of it and shrugged with a weak smile. "Yeah. Just talking. It's been a heck of a day, y'know?"
"Yeah. Tell me about it." Shiro admitted ruefully. That was an understatement if he'd ever heard one. He stepped away from the frame and into the room proper, picking his way carefully around the chaos of blankets and personal items to sit on the couch beside them. "I've seen a lot of weird things since I've been out in space, but today feels downright surreal." He hesitated. He didn't want to burden these kids any further with his own thoughts on this whole mess, so he chose his next words carefully. "Like one of those dreams that's not quite a nightmare but it's definitely uncomfortable."
Hunk groaned and nodded. "Exactly. That whole message and everything, it's just really..." He waved a hand helplessly. "I dunno. Knowing that we were chosen for this, instead of just stumbling into it? It's upsetting, because they knew they were sending kids off to be soldiers, but at the same time I get them not really having a choice. And it's not like we knew, so I guess in a way it was still our choice even if they knew what we would pick..." He glanced sideways at Lance, who was nodding along in agreement.
Shiro nodded as well, giving him a sympathetic smile. "Right. After being with the Galra for a year, after everything I saw, I couldn't have chosen not to try to help other people given the chance." He sighed, glancing down at the other two. God, they were both so young. The last week and a bit had really driven that home, watching them interact with their parents and siblings and generally let the stress fall away from them for just a little while. The happiness hadn't lasted, of course, ending with painful goodbyes as they let their burdens settle back onto their shoulders again, but it had been such a relief to see them still able to let go like that. To see that this war hadn't broken them yet. "I'm proud of you, you know."
"Hm? What for?" Lance tipped his head back to give him a confused look at the unexpected comment.
How to put it into words? "You guys...you're young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. And you two especially had a lot waiting for you back on Earth. I wouldn't have blamed you for an instant if you'd refused to be part of this. But you didn't, not as soon as you got a look at what being under the Empire's rule really meant. So you stayed, and you fought. But at the same time, you never lost sight of who you were, or what you believe in." He gave them a soft smile. "You still have those same kind, open hearts that let you take a new person into your family in an instant, that makes you see the value in every single life, even those of the people we're fighting against." His hand dropped to Hunk's shoulder and gave it an understanding squeeze. He'd known from the beginning how much the yellow paladin hated killing, hated the sheer quantity of death that was inescapable in a war. "That's a good thing. It takes a lot of strength to do what we do knowing that the other soldier is a person too. Don't lose that, okay?" Releasing his grip, he went to push himself back to his feet.
"You haven't lost that either, you know."
Shiro faltered, his head snapping back down to meet Lance's intense blue gaze. "...pardon?"
"You haven't lost it either." Lance repeated firmly, not breaking eye contact. In his peripheral vision, Shiro could see Hunk looking at him just as intently, his expression solemn. "Just because you had to learn to put it aside in the middle of a fight in order to survive doesn't mean you're not thinking about it afterward. That it doesn't still hurt you."
Perceptive. Too perceptive. He swallowed hard, unable to form words, and leaned into Black's soothing coolness in an attempt to steady himself at being unexpectedly confronted on one of the memories he hated the most.
Hunk's hand came to rest on his knee and he jumped at the unexpected contact. "Sorry. Lance is right, though, Shiro. You're not a bad guy just because fighting and killing is easier for you than it is for us. Especially not when you're doing it to protect people. And that's what you're doing, you know. Protecting the people hurt by the Galra, protecting us." Hunk paused for a moment, a shadow of distress flicking across his face for a moment. "Even when you're protecting yourself, that's protecting others by extension. Because how many lives have you saved as Black Paladin? How many more will you keep saving?" He took a deep breath and offered a grin that was tinged with sadness. "It's the same logic I used to do what I needed to back at Trepan Kev. Pidge is like a sister to me, but even more than that, she's the Green Paladin. Without her we're less effective, and that means more lives lost. And the same goes for you. Your life is important, Shiro. But protecting it doesn't mean you've lost your humanity."
"I-I..." Shiro was completely thrown. How did he respond to that? That quiet, utterly confident reassurance that struck right to the core of the fears and doubts left in the holes the arena had torn in his soul?
Especially now, the same day he'd learned that he'd gone from being a weapon in the hands of Haggar to being one in the hands of paladins ten thousand years dead. These two at least had been innocent before all this started. Shiro had been shaped, piece by piece, by the arena, by the Druids, by the Lions themselves, into a killing machine ready and willing to tear the heart out of the Empire. It was what he was meant for. Hunk was Bone, the steel-strong core that supported the team in a dozen different ways, and Lance was Heart, the vibrant center that motivated and loved. But Shiro was Mind, the leader, the decision maker, telling them all where and how to kill in order to achieve their goals. How could they possibly say that the things he'd told them, the assurance of the goodness of their hearts and the courage of their mercy, applied to him as well?
Something of his doubt must have shown in his face, because Lance scowled and twisted, turning to sit on his knees so he was facing Shiro properly. "Shiro. Listen. This is exactly what we were talking about before you came in, and Hunk made some really good points I think you should hear, okay?" He gave his friend a respectful nod before looking back up at him.
He waited until Shiro had managed a shaky nod before continuing, his entire being seemingly focused on Shiro. "Okay. It's like this, basically. Fate and chaos theory and all that bullshit? It doesn't matter. Regardless of how and why we ended up in space, we did. Knowing doesn't change that. And it doesn't invalidate our choices because back then? We didn't know. We were choosing for ourselves, for us and for what we believed in, what we would do. I chose to stay because I could protect people who couldn't help themselves, and because you guys needed me to. Hunk stayed because he saw he could make a difference. And you?" His face unexpectedly split into a knowing smile, catching Shiro off-guard once more. "You stayed so you could keep other people from going through what you did. So no one else would have to make the choices you did to survive. Right?"
Shiro could only give a mute nod.
"And that's why you choose to fight, that's why you choose to kill. To protect. Not because you're a bad person, or a puppet, or a weapon in someone's hands." Lance's smile twisted wryly as he flexed his right hand, the back of it marred now with a patch of fresh shiny scar tissue that made Shiro's gut twist. "Because you're none of those things. When you're given the choice as to whether to step into the fight, you do it for reasons of love, and nothing else at all."
Lance started to settle back onto his heels, leaving Shiro reeling, then abruptly straightened again, his face lighting up in response to some internal revelation. "In fact, I can prove it!"
"You...what?" Shiro blinked, too overwhelmed by Lance's deft stripping away of layer after layer of guilt to follow whatever leap of logic he'd made this time. "How?"
Lance beamed, spreading his hands in a broad gesture, almost a bow. "Your arm."
Beside him, Hunk snapped upright so fast he dropped the blanket that had been around his shoulders. "Oh my god. You're right!"
"I'm not following." Shiro mumbled, looking from one to the other weakly. He'd come in here to reassure them, not to have them turn it around and go all...team leg on him.
"It's simple. You first used that aspect in the arena, right?" Hunk was grinning now as he leaned on the cushion beside him. "Even Fiorin's message said that Blue bound our set to the Lions at a specific time to give you access to your aspects."
"Right..."
"Well, Pidge and I were working on it in our downtime, and we're pretty sure we've worked out a pattern in the aspects and how they show up for Paladins. Natural element and combative characteristic both seem to give upgrades to individual lions, although the combative ones seem to be useable in the Voltron form as well." He ticked off on his fingers. "We think maybe the physical analogues are upgrades to the Voltron form, but it's hard to be sure when we've only seen the Heart aspect in action for that category."
Shiro's left hand slowly went to wrap around his right wrist. Hunk followed the motion and nodded. "And the psychological traits give special abilities to the paladins themselves, yeah. Pidge's healing touch, my BLIP-sense, the teleportation Kurogane mentioned..." He faltered, obviously unwilling to mention the mind control, then hastily hurried on, "and you've got some kind of quintessence manipulation. And what's the emotional and mental characteristics for Black? Will, and love."
"But it was the arena..." Shiro's voice sounded weak to his own ears in the face of their confidence. How could anything he'd done in that hellhole have been born out of love?
Lance smiled softly. "And what's the very first thing you did when you got there?" He poked Shiro's left knee in an obviously meaningful gesture.
Following the movement, Shiro's eyes widened in shock. Of course. Matt. As soon as he realized what the arena was, what was expected of them, he'd done the only thing he could possibly do. Injuring Matt in an attempt to keep him from being sent out to fight had been a desperate gamble, one that could very easily have killed him in a hundred different ways. But a slim chance at life was better than certain death, and so he'd sliced Matt's leg and taken on Myzax in his place, determined to win so that no one else, none of the other scared prisoners he'd been unable to protect, would have to die at that giant's hands. And he had.
And even afterwards, though he'd never discussed it with anyone, too ashamed of the blood on his hands to delve into the shadows the arena had left inside him. In the aftermath of each battle, he had reminded himself that as long as he was alive, there was a chance that he might someday escape, be able to break free and search for Matt and Sam and bring them safely home. That and his promise to return to Keith were the only things that could touch the grief and guilt that threatened to overwhelm him after each fight, each kill, each helpless life ended at his hands. The only things that could keep him from letting himself wither away in his cell or simply drop his blade and let his opponent put an end to his reign when he stepped out onto the sand. His love for Keith and Matt and Sam. And his determination to keep his promises to them all, to keep them all safe.
He remembered the day the arm had first glowed. Freshly grafted to his flesh, painful and heavy and cumbersome against an opponent too fast and too vicious for his battered body to take. He'd been sure he would die there, but the thought kept him on his feet. Win. Survive. Find them. Keep them safe.
And a lion had roared in the back of his mind and ultraviolet heat had torn his enemy apart.
He dragged himself from the memory to find himself breathing raggedly into his palm, eyes wide and unseeing between splayed fingers. Hunk's voice was an anxious buzz in his ear. "Come on, buddy, breathe with me, you can do it. In for four, out for four..." as he clutched Shiro's other trembling hand. Another soft touch on his back, rubbing soothing circles, seemed to be Lance, the two paladins sitting beside him on the couch now. When had that happened?
Later. He forced himself to try to match Hunk's breathing, the air stuttering in his lungs as he tried to suck it in. It was sharp and jagged and short but Hunk praised him anyway. "That's it, keep going. You got this." Another attempt, slightly better, and a few more tries let his muscles slowly unlock and his hand fall from his face.
"I-I'm okay. I'm okay. Really." He forced out, the words barely reaching his own ears. "I'm fine. Just memories."
"I figured." The teen sounded pained as he slowly straightened and put an arm around Shiro's waist. "Sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up."
"No." The word came out with unexpected vehemence, startling him as well as the other two, and he hastily modulated his tone. "No. It's fine. I...I think I needed to hear that, actually. Thank you." The smile he offered up was thin and shaky, but genuine, and Lance and Hunk cautiously returned it. Belatedly he realized Black was purring comfortingly in the back of his head as well. "You're right. More right than you know."
Hunk didn't press him to explain, but some of the tension dropped from his shoulders and his smile became easier. "Glad to hear it. You okay now? Need some water or anything? We have lots." He waved a hand toward a pile of snacks and water packs on the floor. Obviously they'd been settled in for a long discussion before Shiro had come in and distracted them.
Ruefully Shiro shook his head. "No, thank you. I need to finish my rounds." Giving the other two a grateful smile, he pushed himself to his feet. "Make sure you guys get some sleep, alright? We've got another long day tomorrow."
Lance snorted but didn't argue. "Sure thing, asere. Make sure you take your own advice, though." His lips quirked knowingly as he slid off the couch and back down to the floor and grabbed a water pack for himself.
"I'll do my best." Shiro chuckled back. Tossing off a playful salute, he headed back out into the hall. As he walked, he idly flexed the fingers of his prosthetic hand. The constant weight of guilt in his chest felt oddly lighter now. But then, Lance and Hunk had that effect. There was a reason their aspects were the ones that made up a person's inner core, support and heart all in one.
He let that lightness carry him as he continued on through the Castle, checking on those now resident. Colleen was in her quarters, reading a book on Altean history that Pidge's programs had translated into English for her, but there was a distance to her gaze that told him there were other things on her mind and he let her be. Ryou was unpacking, having apparently slipped several boxes of his own possessions aboard Black while loading up the ones full of Shiro's things that he'd brought up from the basement. When he saw Shiro he returned a warm smile with one of his own and stepped over to give him a wordless hug that held on for just a little too long to convince him that Ryou wasn't also deep in thought about the day's events. It was reassuring to know the two of them could still communicate without words as he squeezed his brother's shoulder in a silent promise to be there if he wanted to talk, and felt Ryou's reassuring pat in return.
When he reached Allura's quarters, he didn't even need to open the door to hear her voice, pitched in distress and speaking rapidly in Altean that didn't translate to his ears. His inner peace rapidly changed to concern as he moved to knock, but the motion was cut off as he heard Coran's quieter response. Shiro immediately stepped back, his hands falling to his sides. This wasn't something he should intrude on. Where would he even begin in offering comfort to two people who had been thrown unprepared into a bloody future by someone they had loved and trusted? He couldn't even imagine how that must feel.
He quickly moved on. Deactivated translator or not, he had no right to eavesdrop on their pain. In the morning, though, he would talk to them and offer whatever support he could, even if it was just a shoulder to lean on or an assurance that they were not alone despite all that had changed elsewhere in the universe. They were both part of their little makeshift family.
Distracted by his thoughts, he found his feet had carried him to the observation room of the training deck. That was fine, Keith was his next stop anyways. But as he leaned on the main console to look out the wide windows at the floor below, he was surprised to find not Keith but Kovirak.
The Galra warrior was systematically taking apart droid after droid bare-handed, her heavy breathing and the sheer quantity of debris from defeated opponents scattered across the floor a testament to how long she'd been here. Her limbs shook, betraying growing exhaustion to his experienced eye, but she never faltered. Her claws raked across one gladiator's neck in a fraction of a second as she spun on one foot to plant the other squarely in the chest of the other that was coming up behind her. A third dropped from the ceiling and she sprang toward it, sweeping its legs out from under it and planting a fist in the side of its head before it could even find its footing. Throughout it all, her expression was one of grim determination, unflinchingly calm, the same expression she'd been wearing when the rest of them had rejoined her at the Red Lion when they left the Blade Headquarters earlier that evening.
The movements of the gladiators was oddly familiar, and it took Shiro a moment to figure out why. They were moving and fighting like Empire soldiers. All at once, he understood. With her loyalties no longer divided now that she'd been formally exiled from the Blades, Kovirak had only one aim: protecting her son. And if she had to cut a swathe of destruction through the very heart of the Empire, he had absolutely no doubt she would do just that. He winced as she punched another gladiator hard enough that the metal faceplate crumpled. God help the soldier that tried to hurt Keith while she was around.
He nodded to himself in satisfaction and turned away from the window just as the door whirred open. Alejandro stepped through, then stopped short at the sight of him, Kurogane nearly bumping into him from behind. "Oh, sorry. Didn't realize anyone was up here."
"No, it's fine. I was just leaving." Shiro studied the pair for a moment. The strain of the day was obvious on both their faces, and he couldn't blame them. For them more than anyone else, the revelations of that morning had been a cruel blow. To know that the actions of their predecessors had led directly to the deaths of their friends and family and the loss of everything they cared about, not to mention the mystery of the chaos aspect's use, had left them both quiet and withdrawn. The closure of Kovirak's exile for her actions had only seemed to make things worse. The two of them hadn't even attempted to participate in the discussion on the Blade base, Kurogane instead curling in on himself and the two speaking quietly in hushed murmurs to each other, and disappearing to their quarters as soon as they all returned to the Castleship. "Are you two doing alright?" Shiro asked softly. "I know today's been pretty terrible for you two in particular."
Alejandro grimaced, shaking his head. The shadows around his eyes seemed even deeper than ever. "Been better, honestly." Rather than elaborate, he dropped into a chair by the console and tapped a few keys. The panel seemed to vanish, replaced by a holographic projection of the room below that offered them a clear view of Kovirak's systematic rampage against the gladiator robots. "She's still at it, huh?"
Nodding, Shiro folded his arms and leaned against the invisible edge of the console. "Do you know how long she's been in there?" He asked curiously.
"Kurogane wanted to punch something when we got back from the base, but she beat him here." Alejandro explained, looking over at his partner, who simply scowled and folded his arms tighter across his chest. "She's been in here the whole time."
"I see..." The tension in the way Kurogane was carrying himself was too painfully familiar, and Shiro's reaction was instinctive, in motion before he even thought about it. He crossed the room slowly, giving the other plenty of time to see what he was doing and avoid him if he chose. Kurogane didn't move away though, and when Shiro reached him he did what he'd done for Keith so many times before: pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. Sure enough, Kurogane was tense as a coiled spring under his arms, the calm anger a deceptive mask to the strain and confusion underneath.
He could feel Alejandro's eyes on him but ignored the gaze, focusing instead on the unevenness of Kurogane's breathing, the way he seemed to curl in on himself without moving, the way he finally, finally turned one of the hands pinned between them to grab Shiro's shirt instead of digging his nails into his arms. They stayed that way for several long moments before Kurogane mumbled a quiet "I'm okay" and stepped back. Shiro let him go, pretending not to notice the hand that scrubbed roughly across dark eyes as the other looked away.
"Oh xetr'v's sake, come here." Alejandro murmured, lurching back to his feet and pulling his partner into his own arms instead, guiding him back over to the chair and dropping back down with Kurogane in his lap. Shiro couldn't help but be a little awed at the way Kurogane rested pliant and trusting against his chest as Alejandro folded protective arms around him and rested his chin on top of the dark hair. "Are you ever going to stop being so stubborn about admitting when you need this?"
"Probably not." Kurogane muttered, closing his eyes and tipping his head against the other's throat. "At least not until you stop using fussing over me as an excuse not to deal with your own issues."
Alejandro huffed and rolled his eyes, but the whole thing had the feel of a frequently-rehearsed argument that had become a way of reassuring each other that they were not alone. Certainly there was nothing more than fondness and quiet concern in either of their tones, and Shiro felt as though he was intruding on a private moment. He turned and started to head toward the door. "I'll leave you two be."
"Hang on a sec, Shiro." Alejandro's voice stopped him and he glanced back. The former blue paladin's gaze was on Kovirak down below as she slid on her knees past another gladiator and ripped open its side in passing. When he turned back to face Shiro his expression was deeply serious. "I wanted to get your opinion on something." In his arms, Kurogane lifted his head a bit, raising an eyebrow at his partner.
Shiro blinked and nodded, moving back over beside the duo again. "Of course. What's up?"
"Kovirak."
The single word held a wealth of weight. So did the way Kurogane stiffened in Alejandro's arms, the way Alejandro's posture shifted subtly from comforting to protective, ready to defend the man he loved. He didn't elaborate. He didn't need to.
Shiro gave a small nod and looked away, considering the answer to that question as he tried to suppress the warmth in his chest at the simple fact that the two of them trusted his opinion after so many years apart and a host of experiences this version of him had never shared with them. He'd been meaning to seek Kurogane out and talk to him about this anyway.
"I think..." He said slowly, choosing his words with care, "she really does love you." He glanced back over at Kurogane. "Both of you. She spends every moment she can with Keith, and it's easy to see she's trying to learn what he needs from her, what his boundaries are, as much of who he is as he's willing to share." Already he'd seen her watching the way Keith interacted with the others, and the lines they didn't cross were the ones she approached most cautiously. "She respects the fact that you don't want her around. But maybe you haven't noticed, but whenever you're in the room, she watches you at least as much as she watches Keith. I think she's trying to learn about you, too, as much as she can without crossing the boundary you've set."
His gaze softened. Kurogane's face was turned away from him, but the tension in his body betrayed his attention. "I know you're angry at her. You had more time to bond with the Blades than we've had. More reason to. The loss hit you harder. Right?"
"They were family to me." The rough whisper was nonetheless clearly audible in the quiet room. Down below, Kovirak's claws ripped a hole through a gladiator's chest from behind.
Shiro felt a lump in his throat and nodded. Family. The most painful subject for both Keith and Kurogane. "I know. And I'm so sorry for your loss. All your losses. But I've thought about this a bit, and I've realized-that was something that she didn't know." Alejandro straightened, his breath catching in his throat. Shiro tossed him a strained smile and a firm nod. They were both allies in this. Kurogane deserved to experience his mother's love, and the only one standing in the way of that was himself.
"She didn't know." Shiro repeated. "As far as she knew she was only sacrificing her brothers and her sisters for the sake of her only child. She couldn't have known you knew them. As far as she knew you were still on Earth, safe in your father's arms. And to her, that trade was worth it, because of how much she loves you." He could see Kurogane's hand tightening on the fabric of Alejandro's shirt, hear his breath hitching, and pressed on. "She loves you enough to sacrifice the rest of her family. Everything the blade has worked for. And the universe itself. For you."
Kurogane's breath shuddered and he pressed his face against Alejandro's chest, a thin brown hand cupping the back of his head comfortingly as his partner held him closer. "Stop." He choked out. "She can't."
The agonized sorrow on Alejandro's face mirrored the way those words cut deep into Shiro's heart. Kurogane had changed so much from Keith as he was now...and yet some things hadn't changed at all. He stepped forward instantly, his hands joining Alejandro's, one on a shoulder, the other around a thin waist. "She does, Kurogane. I know it's hard to believe. But take it from someone who has seen a mother's love in so many forms. In my own, in Ryou's, in Colleen Holt, in Rosa McClain-Martinez, and in La'ei and Fetuilelagi Garrett. She loves you. And like any good mother, she would tear the universe apart to protect her child. To protect Keith, and to protect you."
He nodded towards the windows, where Kovirak's ceaseless rampage against the gladiator robots had finally come to an end. A message blinked on the far wall, informing them all that the training session had halted automatically until the Castle's automated manufacturing systems could replenish the supply of combat droids. She had torn through the ship's entire supply faster than it could keep up and now stood panting amidst the wreckage, her fur and hair slick and dark with sweat as she looked for her next opponent. "And unless I miss my guess, she intends to do just that."
Silence reigned in the observation deck. Below them, Kovirak kicked aside the head of a decapitated droid and strode off toward the showers. Only when she was gone from sight did Kurogane speak. "...Okay. I'll think about it."
Shiro felt the tension flow from his shoulders and exchanged a weary smile with Alejandro over the top of Kurogane's head. "Fair enough. And remember that I'm here anytime you want to talk, okay?" He squeezed the other's shoulder gently. "We all are. You're family. We'll listen."
Kurogane nodded. Then he turned away again, pressing back against his partner's chest. Shiro stepped back and gave them space. They may still trust him, respect his advice, but things were not the same between him and them as they would have been years in the time travellers' past. They had lost him, and they had relied on each other instead. Alejandro's comfort was stronger than his own now.
He turned and slipped out of the room.