Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 10: Absolutions & Recriminations

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Some rules don't apply to certain people. John Sheppard tended to believe that and John Sheppard's adopted family certainly believed that. The 'no visitors', the 'only one visitor at a time', the 'scheduled visiting hours', the 'sound advice to let trained medical personnel get near their patient to perform their jobs' rules, they all literally went out the window when it involved John or his team.

As soon as Sheppard had been wheeled out of the recovery area, it had begun. Rodney, Teyla and Ronon had wordlessly picked up the chairs in the "waiting area" and resettled them in various positions around Sheppard's bed. Elizabeth was more tactful, more respectful of the rules and simply ducked in, watched John for a moment in his drugged unconscious state long enough to reassure herself and then she had smiled at Carson a 'thank you' and left the Colonel in his capable hands, well, his and John's team's.

Because Beckett's nurses hadn't been allowed to get close to John when his temperature rose, was Teyla who snagged the basin of water from the well-meaning nurse and stroked the wet cloth over John's face and down his chest. Was Rodney who stole a blanket off another bed and tucked it around a shivering John, careful of his shoulder, his chest, of all the seen and unseen bruising. And when John fell victim to feverish dreams, his head started to toss and his weakened body found the strength to begin to push away the blankets, the sheets, seemingly to fight a foe in John's head, it was Ronon's presence that calmed him, not a sedative, the Satedan's strong hands gently keeping John from trying to sit up, sure to only press on John's good shoulder, his words spoken by Johns' ear, low barely carrying to the two other people at John's side. Not assurances that John was safe but that everyone else was. "We're all safe, we're not in danger. You can stand down."

Carson had seen it played out before, but it still struck him right in the heart. The care they had for John, for each other. Like he had told Major Lorne, he wasn't trained to be a soldier himself but he was starting to feel like a combat medic, to know the bonds of soldiers, of those who risked their lives for others, for those whose lives were constantly in danger, those bonds ran deep, deeper than familial ties. Remembered his Bible teachings about Jonathan and David, about Jonathan becoming one spirit with David, loving him as he loved himself. If that didn't describe John and his team, nothing did.

But then Carson amended it, as a scrub wearing Major Lorne snuck out of bed and dodged into the curtained off area that concealed Sheppard from curious eyes. Carson realized that his assessment described John's relationship with so many others. The Colonel gave his all for this city, for these people and it earned him so much fealty and love in return. Now the lad just has to accept it for what it is.

Carson smiled and turned away, would do his checkup on John in a bit, wouldn't intrude now that Evan had strategically timed his visit when Carson had miraculously shooed John's exhausted visitors away to get some food and a nap but Carson expected them back in half an hour or less. It was a small slice of time for the Major to have alone with his commanding officer but it would be enough.

Though he had had a front row seat to Sheppard's pain all day long, it was something entirely different to look down unto his Commanding Officer lying so still and pale in an infirmary bed. To see the stitches on Sheppard's head wound, the white bandages cocooning his shoulder, knew the blankets hid the bandages wrapped around his chest, saw that the Colonel's hands were sporting gauze as well, remembered John had cut up his hands trying to hold onto the Alpha as they both tumbled down the mountainside.

Whereas John had been flush with fever and exertion on their trek through the woods, now there was a bone whiteness to his face, made his dark hair a shocking contrast. But it still was spiking up in its standard salute and that had Evan smirking a little bit. Made him think Sheppard was still in there, being his cocky smart mouthed stubborn self. He was just taking a breather until he unleashed himself on the world again and the people who were tasked with being his keepers.

Claiming one of the three chairs stationed by John's bed, Evan fought back words that wanted to crowd out of him but John didn't need to hear, not another apology, not a request to transfer, not a rehash of all he had done wrong that day. That was about him and this wasn't…it was about having a man to follow that he trusted wholeheartedly, about being able to get to know his commanding officer as a friend, about fighting for their lives at each other's side and surviving. "I said I was sorry but I didn't say thank you, not properly. I know we all take an oath, swear to safeguard our country, our fellow soldiers, civilians…but there is a point where that oath is just words, is going through the motions of singing the National Anthem at a ball game but not feeling it. But here in Atlantis …it's different. And out there, with you today…it was …more real than it's been for me."

Here Evan chuckled a little maniacally. "Not the 'I feel so proud of being an American Soldier' real but the 'I'm scared spitless and we might die and I've got the freaking military CO of Atlantis' life in my hands' real. Both terrifying and humbling and an honor and a terrible weight and…" Evan drew in a shaking inhale and snorted. "Great, now I'm rambling like Doctor McKay. You didn't warn me that was contagious. But then again you were acting like him today, being all pessimistic and whiny…" Evan startled as a groggy but disgruntle voice protested.

"I don't whine…" John refuted, forcing his eyes open to at least slits, knew he wasn't projecting his best threatening glare when Evan broke out into a beaming smile instead of cowering.

Smiling so widely it almost hurt, Evan brazenly disagreed with his CO, "Actually you do, sir."

"Don't sir me when you're picking on me," John tried to growl but it came out more a humming, gravely whine that so wasn't a whine.

"Yes, sir," Evan cheekily retorted, leaning forward in his chair to smile down at his CO. "I'd ask how you're feeling but you'd just say fine. I'll get Doc Beckett to get the real scoop." And Evan started to stand up but John reached out, snagged his wrist and Evan instantly froze in concern. "What's wrong? Are you having trouble breathing? Are you in a lot of pain? I'll get…"

"Sit a minute," John commanded, saw Evan hesitate, knew that the Major was reacting out of concern for him. "I promise that I won't do anything undignified like die if you delay ratting out to Carson that I'm awake."

And that was just sassy enough, 'Sheppard' enough to ease Evan's fears, allow him to calmly reclaim his seat, wait until John gathered his meager strength to tell him what he wanted to. But all the while he watched John, furtively snuck glances at the monitors tracking the man's vitals. Wouldn't allow things to go down hill a blimp before finding the doc but John's quiet words had his eyes flying back to John's.

"Holland told me I had done good, that I wasn't failing him," John had never told a soul about his last conversations with one of his best friends, another friend he couldn't save, had lost. Though, Lord help him, he had tried. Had done what he thought was his best and it hadn't garnered him a miracle, only a stunning harsh loss.

Evan felt sucker punched, didn't expect, need this openness from John, especially not now when John was just waking up, still fighting to regain his strength…to keep his life. "Colonel, you don't need to…"

But John knew he had to say it, that the look in Evan's eyes in the woods, even now there was a tinge still dug into his soul, of regret, of failure, of shame. For things out of his control. Like they had been for him. "I didn't believe him…still….can't. But I'm here to knock it into you that…you did good, you didn't fail me. Even if things had gone…."

"Worse than they already did," Evan shamefully supplied.

John solemnly nodded. "If I had died, it wouldn't have changed the fact that you did everything you could, that sometimes we lose people, that we don't get to all come home. It sucks but it's….war, it's what we have to accept."

But Evan didn't see the defeat in that statement like John did. "But you don't accept it, you fight it, do the same thing all over again, risk…everything, your life to save a life."

John would have shrugged if his shoulder wasn't in burning agony, if merely keeping his eyes open, speaking wasn't sapping every drop of his energy, so he settled for a bitter sweet smirk. "Praying each time that things won't end the way they did with Holland. But they sometimes do."

"And sometimes they don't," Evan refuted with pride in his tone for his CO. "I know it's not a numbers game but you have to acknowledge that you've saved more lives than you've lost. Your friend Holland …he'd be proud of you, know that… that you weren't meant to die with him, that we'd needed you here with us."

"Live to fight another day?" John replied with a weak but recognizable smirk, a smirk he unleashed whenever he got a compliment and he brushed it aside like he was now.

Evan wanted to push the issue, get Sheppard to not downplay his intentions, his importance…but knew this wasn't the time, that John looked likely to pass out in the next second and he wanted to be kind…gentle…he could be right later. Or someone else could make John see the point he was trying to make. Three someones who had spent more hellish days like today, who owned John more than he did, valued John in depths he was just starting to fathom. So instead he lightly taunted back, "Fight another day, taunt Doc McKay, spar with Teyla, be Ronon's punching bag, give Dr. Weir grey hairs, make the good natured doc Beckett curse like a sailor."

"Hey, watch it," John grumbled at Evan's list. "My shoulder might hurt right now but I can still dictate an official reprimand for your file."

But Evan's only offered a parrying smirk back to his CO, and taunted like a little brother would, "For what, picking on you?"

John paused a moment before he found the right lingo, "Disrespectfulness to your CO." He attempted to smile smugly but his face hurt too much for the expression to linger.

With a chuckle, Evan protested, "Hey, if anyone should have that in their permanent file, it's McKay."

McKay choose that timing to whip the curtain back surrounding Sheppard's bed, stare stunned at an awake John before a beaming joyous relieved smile lit up his features. "You're awake!" Then as if he replayed the overheard end of the conversation between the two military men in his head, he smugly demanded, "What should be in my permeant file? How many times I've saved Atlantis or just the Colonel's hide?"

Before Sheppard or Evan could shoot down Rodney's brag, Carson was there, reaming them out for not getting him immediately when John woke up. "Now out with you. This isn't a bloody town meeting arena." But he shot John a sly wink even as the expression he turned on McKay and Lorne was stony.

Lorne obediently vacated the area with a nod to Sheppard but McKay seemed ready to do a sit in. "What?! No, he just got awake. I sat here for hours when he was incoherent and he wakes up for the Major! I haven't even gotten to talk to him," he whined but Carson knew it was concern and fear and loyalty spurring Rodney's fit.

So Carson crossed his arms over his chest and bluntly said, "Ok, talk to him." His stance proving he wasn't budging from his spot.

Rodney looked at Beckett appalled, "What?! With you standing there like my aunt Gertrude, eavesdropping and waiting to pounce on something I said you don't approve of like she did when I talked to Cousin Charlene?!"

As usual, John took pity on his friend, intervened, "Rodney, it's ok. We'll talk later."

Worried eyes settling on John, Rodney still wanted to protest, thought John didn't look better than he had when he was unconscious, that he should look better because he was awake, unless this was just a moment of lucidity. A moment he might not get again and Carson wanted him to miss it. Knew he sounded tremulous when he posed to John, "You promise?"

And anywhere else, with anyone else, Carson would have been the one consulted, would have been his promise that his patient was making a recovery that a loved one would evoke. But not here, not with John Sheppard, not with the people who trusted John's word, his devotion. Carson saw the tension ease in Rodney at John's vow of "Promise, Rodney. Now get some rest. Ronon and Teyla, too."

Because John hadn't been truly lucid before but he remembered snatches of time he had risen above the void, and each time, his teammates had been there. Teyla's soothing touch, Rodney's rambling words, Ronon's strong hands and soft reassurances. Had been surprised to find Lorne had been his only visitor when he finally got his eyes open, viewed the outside world in what felt like days but by the darkness of the infirmary and Rodney's whine, was just hours. Long hours trapped in his own headspace. Honestly, he didn't relish the idea of falling back under that weight.

Though Rodney was taking him at his word, the man still shuffled on his feet, reluctant to leave, but ended up nodding his head. "Ok, well then….we'll talk….later." Eyes finally shifting to the actual doctor in the room, he stammered, "If there's…if he needs…"

But Carson knew what his friend was asking of him, earnestly vowed, "I'll get you if he needs you."

And John wanted to protest that, felt like he was being treated like a toddler being sent to the church nursery and if he got cranky, his mother would be dragged out of the church service to quiet him down. Except in this scenario, Rodney would be dragged out of bed to "quiet him down." It was humiliating and not needed and….just down right stupid. He wasn't four, didn't need a familiar face there every time he woke up, and he so didn't need quieted down. "I won't need you," he bit out in frustration but felt like a heel when Rodney flinched and paled, the man taking his words more to heart than he meant them.

"Right, of course…I'll just…go," and then Rodney was flying out of the infirmary.

'John, you dumbbehind, you deserve to be alone,' John rebuked himself silently at his friend's hasty departure. And that was what he was truly going to be: Alone. He was good at that once upon a time, had to be. Growing up like he had, in rotating big houses with empty rooms and his mother dead, his father gone for work more than he was ever there and his brother not interested in spending time with him. The outlining areas of Atlantis reminded him of his childhood homes, like haunted hallways and bedrooms where life should be but wasn't. There was just him. By himself.

Crap but he didn't want to go back to that. Didn't think he could survive like that anymore, not after….this. Them. Atlantis, his team…his new family. They had changed him. 'But not enough, not enough to learn my lesson. To think of the consequences before I act. Like I should have with Koyla. If I had left him live…Stop, John! Just…stop with the what-ifs! You didn't save Holland, you did save Lorne, you killed Koyla, your team is safe but they might have justification in not trusting you. Just look at the fubar today's mission with Lorne was, how you just treated a friend.'

Remembered his brother, Dave's, words six years ago, their last conversation before John walked away, cut ties, gave up on his family like he felt they had already given up on him. "You'll burn every bridge in the world just to prove you don't need anyone, won't you?! Guess what that gets you John: alone on an island with no way off. But maybe that's what you want. You turned your back on Dad and his dream of you running the business with him, you're pushing me away every chance you get, you shut Nancy out. Just remember this is your choice, not mine, not theirs."

And his reply had been: "My Choice?! That's funny because dad never gave me the choice to join his company or not, my job doesn't give me the choice to share my mission details with Nancy and you didn't give me a choice either. I could toe the line and do what Dad wanted me to do or I could disappoint you."

'So you know you're disappointing me, dad and Nancy and it doesn't matter. You're not going to change, are you?" Dave had challenged.

'No, I'm not. But if it's any consolation, most days I'm a disappointment to myself too." And he hadwalked out the door and they hadn't spoken since, couldn't see the point of even sending Dave and his dad a farewell video when the Atlantis expedition had thought they were doomed two years ago. He had said goodbye to them all already, he was someone from their past, long gone. But he didn't want to do that with his new family, say goodbye, couldn't. 'But you might have blown that too.' Found that, disappointing them, it was more heart wrenching then disappointing his blood family.

John almost startled when a hand fell onto his good shoulder lightly, jerked him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Carson looking down at him with an expression, not of reprimand or disgust but concern. "Are you ok?"

"Guess you don't have to worry about McKay being underfoot in here anymore." He smirked lamely, trying to make it a joke, that he chased his best friend off, used McKay's worry for him to hurt him.

Carson's brow creased. "You really think you scared him off, with that little bit of a temper tantrum?! Rodney McKay who practically invented temper tantrums?! I lay good odds he'll be back within the hour and give as good as he got. Best you fake sleep when he comes back until you're up to the verbal sparring you two usually engage in for hours on end."

"It's not hours…well that one mission it might have been….." he amended but then he fell silent for a full minute before he remorsefully declared, "I was a jerk."

Carson fought down a sigh, wished John gave himself a break. "You're in pain, been through a crappy day, just now woke up, still have an infection, a somewhat less raging fever but it's…"

"You saying I have an excuse…." John cut in, his dull eyes lighting up a little with Carson's defense of him.

"If anyone does, you do." And Carson didn't just mean today, for all he'd been through. No, it was for all the Colonel had risked and suffered in the defense of others. For the man he was apologizing for unintentionally hurting a moment ago.

"Still doesn't make it right," John grumbled, heart sick that he kept making the same mistakes, couldn't stop disappointing, hurting the people who took the chance on caring about him.

"He'll figure out you didn't mean it," Carson reassured but didn't think his words carried much weight as John's eyes dropped shamefully to fix on his bedsheet like it was fascinating. And John Sheppard enduring him checking his wounds, his temperature, his heartrate, blood pressure without a protest was downright unnerving.

John was fighting to stay awake when Carson lightly patted him on the chest. "Rest now, lad. Things will be better in the morning."

"My mother used to tell me that," John murmured as sleep claimed him.

"She was a wise woman," Carson quietly replied as John's eyes remained closed and his breathing settled into an almost healthy sleeping pattern. Pulling the bedsheets up to cover John better, Carson didn't leave, instead he settled into an empty chair as he let the confines of his doctor persona fall away and stayed as a friend. A friend who had been very worried about his wounded friend in the bed, still was and it wasn't just about the physical wounds. But like he treated the physical wounds, he knew he and the others would work to treat the emotional wounds scoring John Sheppard's soul, because that was what friends did for each other, was what families were all about.

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TBC (Yup I'm still going like the energizer bunny)

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Ok, I'm still having fun writing this story and I hope there's people out there still enjoying reading it!. Thanks for all the kind reviews ! I loved that you enjoyed more of the story. And more will come. Sorry it's been a little slow updating with the holiday (Thanksgiving for us in the States) and my seeking and getting a new job (Yeah!).

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.