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Flashing lights, pounding music and the heavy scent of alcohol and sweat surround me. I close my eyes and lose myself to music, dancing in the middle of the packed dance floor. I let everything float away, pushing the quiet murmur of Lissa behind a heavy door along with the images of every one of my friends' pleading eyes.

I had left the academy as soon as I could but that hadn't stopped any of those that I had considered family from finding me, each trying to rationalize their words and actions. Of course I know that it wasn't their choice… but now? Well, now I'm dying and I've been dealing with it alone. There was no real point in trying to bring them down with me. So I left.

I needed the space and this was already planned so I fled. No shame. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The thrumming bass feels like a second pulse. The warmth of a body pressed to mine was too comforting for words. For the next few days I will be just Rose, not a Guardian or a Novice, just a hot girl in club going where the wind takes her for a few days.

I feel like the girl who ran away with her best friend over two years ago. I feel like someone who's confident and beautiful and a little reckless. I feel healthy and full of energy. Hell, I feel like eating a burger. I almost feel normal. Almost.

The hairs on the back of my neck raise and I instantly know I'm being watched. Why? I don't know. I casually glance around, there's nothing of concern. Hands on my hips move up to my waist and I take the opportunity to turn around in time with the music.

My heart stops.

Literally. I feel my heart skip in my chest.

Directly over my partners shoulder I see him. It takes a lot more effort than I'd ever admit to look away but when I glance back I still feel the sting of pain in my chest.

Dimitri.

He's here. It doesn't make sense. Why? The answer is simple. Tasha. My heart squeezes.

Forget about him. Do what you came here to do. Forget. Have fun. Dance.

So I dance. I rock and roll my hips to the beat. I don't dance with just one person; I dance with anyone. I let the music guide me. I let go of everything and just let myself be. I think I deserve it. The whole time I can feel eyes burning a whole in the back of my neck and to be honest his scrutiny is almost exciting.

I know it's wrong, really I do, he's with Tasha, but knowing that, I can't help the thrill of knowing he's still watching. I will never admit that my hips sway a bit more invitingly, or that I take tiny peeks beneath my lashes to see his intense stare never really strays from me. I know that he doesn't want me… but he wants me, I can feel it. I can feel it in the same way I'd know he'd wanted me during our trainings. When his touch lingered a moment longer than necessary and he'd find something to talk about before we left the gym.

Yes, he wants my body, but he doesn't me. My teeth clench at that thought and for a moment my body wants to freeze. I'm not good enough for him. I never was and I never will be. I mentally snort, not that it would matter, I'll be long gone before he's at the same place as me. There was no point really.

So why does that hurt so much? I file the thought away for later before chastising myself. Everyone else may have been under compulsion… but Dimitri left on his own accord. That will never change.

They only thing I can do is continue to dance, so I do. I don't take a break until the DJ comes on saying it's time to clear out and with that the lights start coming on. I give a slight protest, amongst others.

I chat with a few of the people I had danced with, everyone was smiling and laughing, it felt surprising good. Normal. Plans are made to come back and I know I won't be here but it's nice to think I could. A soft song starts playing and distantly I hear a couple of the bartenders joking that it's someone's phone on the Bluetooth.

I hum softly in appreciation as the soft indie tones register a bit more clearly. I walk up to the bar and ask them for a bottle of water. The girl smiles and hands me one while making some idle chit chat.

'I've been searching for a trail to follow again

Take me back to the night we met.'

I feel eyes on me and I turn. Our eyes meet and it's like the heaviness of the few months we had together flashes between us. Starting from that night in Portland. All I can think as I take in his face is: if you love something, let it go, if it comes back then it was always yours to begin with.

I let him go. I told him to go and he did. But he's here. Here with Tasha but he's here. So as much as my heart still yearns for him, I can let him be happy, it'll be my last gift to him. So I smile at him. He blinks and I can see his surprise.

I can do this. He's a colleague now, it'll be fine. He's with Tasha.

I politely excuse myself and I make my way to him. He's with Tasha. He's with Tasha. He's with Tasha. I chant mentally. When I stand before him, I smile.

"Guardian Belikov." I greet. He raises an eyebrow.

"I see congratulations are in order." He says softly.

"Oh?" The song plays quietly in the background. …I can tell myself, not to ride along with you…

"Congratulations on your promise mark, Guardian Hathaway." I can hear the warm pride in his voice and my heart swells.

"Guardian?!" We both look up to see Tasha heading our way. "Congratulations Rose!" She throws her arms around my neck and hugs me tightly, my body protests.

"Thank you, both of you." I hug her lightly and pull back, tilting my head to Dimitri in acknowledgment.

"How did you get promised so fast? Graduation is a few weeks away! When did you get promised? Are you working at the school?" Tasha asks in rapid succession

"A lot of hard work and dedication and a bit of help." I flash a brief smile. "I got promised about a month ago and I've been at the academy ever since." I answer. She nods.

"Well that's great, isn't it Dimka?" She turns to Dimitri and I see the edges of his mask tighten.

"Yes, it is." He says softly. …I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

"You'll be working together! That's awesome it gives you two time to get the old gang back together! While we're here for graduation, Dimka's going to be taking up his post at the academy!" She informs. I smile tightly. Take me back to the night we met.

"It will be interesting." I agree with a pained look. When I look back to Dimitri his eyes are tight, like he wants to say something more. Instead I reach a hand out. "It'll be an honor to work with you."

He hesitates for a moment before shaking my hand tenderly. Our eyes link and I suddenly want to spew my soul out, to tell him everything, to beg him to stay with me, to ask him to want me, or at the very least pretend.

God, I'm pathetic.

"The honor is mine." And he tries to smile. I see the attempt for what it is, even if his expression tightens just a bit.

I leave quickly, not wanting to break down when I had done everything to not do exactly that. I pull my big girl panties on and I say I'll see them on campus before taking my leave.

I feel his eyes on me until I get outside.

Take me back to the night we met…