I arrive to the dance late. I woke up a few hours ago in significantly less pain but it had taken a while for the meds to reach its full effect, so instead of constant agony all that's left is a dull ache. It had taken some persuading to get Dr. O to let me out tonight, but with the reminder that Alberta wanted me to get my life experiences, Dr. O had reluctantly let me come.
It had taken me forever to get ready, my hands weren't as steady as they used to be so it took me a while to get it all right before I left for the dance.
When I get there, the gym is fully decorated and music is playing, people are mingling, eating and dancing, no one notices when I walk in.
I just watch for a while, feeling more on duty than off as I blend into the shadows. I almost immediately spot Lissa talking with everyone, including Christian. Everyone's expression holds some variant of exhaustion and I feel a brief pang in my chest knowing it's about me. Lissa's thoughts confirm as much.
It's insane. I'd been excited to get here, more so really to just get dressed up, but I had been glad for the opportunity. But now that I'm here, it feels like I've been transported to a brand new foreign planet. They don't know me and I stick out like a sore thumb.
I go to get some punch to distract myself but when I try to ease back to my previous spot I'm stopped.
"Guardian Hathaway." I turn and am greeted to Dimitri in his guarding uniform.
"Guardian Belikov." I nod.
"Alberta is allowing you to attend school functions even though you're no longer a student." I'm sure he intended it as a question but I struggle to find it, instead, I shrug.
"She insists that I act my age while it's still considered appropriate." I say lightly, rolling my eyes nonchalantly.
"Yet you don't seem very pleased to be here." He notes, I give a wry smile.
"It wasn't so long ago everyone here thought I was a pill popping blood whore," I shrug it off. "There's no point in pretending to be one of them anymore." I murmur, having a small epiphany as the words escape me. I turn to watch the students and I suddenly realize how much older I feel. It's like I've lived a hundreds of years in my short span of eighteen years.
"But you were, once." He tries to say it softly but I still raise an eyebrow up at him.
"There was a time yeah, but at some point between coming back and now, that changed. I'm not the same person anymore." I give a dry chuckle. "I haven't been that person in a long time."
"Is that why you were in Billings?" He asks. I give a soft snort.
"I was trying to remember what it felt like to act my age." I retort dryly. He gives a soft hum.
"And did you succeed?"
"Not really, no, I danced and managed to stop thinking about my life for once but ultimately no, there was no huge epiphany."
"You have the rest of your life for grand epiphanies." He gives me a soft nudge, obviously seeing my declining mood but his comment makes it worse, if only he knew. I shake my head.
"Well then we'll just have to wait and see," I shove it back and force a smile onto my face.
"I'm proud of you, Rose." He says it softly, his breath softly puffing in my ear and I vaguely wonder when he'd leaned down. "You are strong and capable, and you've surpassed every expectation everyone had of you." A soft smile tugs my lips. I turn face him completely.
"Thank you, I wouldn't have made it this far if you hadn't been there. It's almost a shame the first time you see me as a guardian I was dancing at a club in town, but hey," I shrug. "at least I'm memorable." I try to go for cheeky but when his eyes meet mine they're intense.
"You are always memorable." He says it gently, reaching up to touch my cheek and I feel a slight sting of tears in my eyes. I look away, making his hand fall from my face.
Looking over the students I realize we're secluded away from everyone else. Just out of prying eyes. I sigh softly. I'd never be able to go back and I'd never be able to go much further, go figure, I'm no longer a novice and I'd never be the guardian I know I could be.
A soft song starts to play, the same one from the club that night. I am not the only traveler… My gaze immediately finds Dimitri's and I immediately see the same nostalgia that I'm feeling. His hand takes my own softly, giving me space and time to move. But I can't, I don't want to, I lace our fingers together.
He wraps an arm around my waist and I rest my hand on his shoulder, letting my arm relax on his own as he pulls me closer. The scent of his aftershave warms me and the warmth of his body sets me at complete ease.
We sway quietly to the music and I let my eyes close as I lean my head to his shoulder. I think about the night we met what feels like a lifetime ago.
"Do you remember the night we met?" I ask gently. He pauses then chuckles.
"I do." He hums, I smile.
"Would you change it at all?" I ask curiously.
"What do you mean?"
"if you had a chance to change anything, to go back and do things differently, would you?"
"Yes." My heart stops. I pause and look up at him. "I'd have done everything I could have to pull you closer and stop pushing you away." He pulls me in flush against him and I can almost feel his heart beat against my chest. "I would have told you I was in love with you long before the necklace, I would have kissed you so long and so deep you'd forget how to breathe. I would be the man I want to be every time I look at you. I'd have been there to watch your trials and celebrated your graduation like the honor it is. I wouldn't have lied to you when I said we couldn't be together; I wouldn't have left you alone." He murmurs. Tears burn my eyes as I picture it: having him all this time and not just right now, in this moment.
I could picture a life with him. I could picture all of it and I feel a sob in my chest. All at once I feel like I can't breathe and I'm pulling away, tearing the small bubble that was us apart before doing one of the first things he had taught me, I run.
I don't get far, barely to a deserted hallway before the tears fall. I lean against a locker try to wipe my eyes, even as the tears continue to fall. Damn him. Damn him. DAMN HIM. What gives him the right to say those things, to give me hope when I had none left? Damn him for making me want to have a reason to fight this thing.
"Roza." I whip around angrily only to be met with warm lips. I freeze for the briefest moment before I just melt into his arms. My heels do one hell of a job with our height difference, even if the way he pulls me in close makes me feel so small and warm despite my extra height.
One of his arms pulls my body in close while his other hand cradles the back of my neck. I moan softly into the kiss, giving in to him and wrapping my arms around him. My heart stutters in my chest and I just want to stay here, I hadn't felt this way since the cabin. The cabin…
I feel like ice is poured down my back. I rip myself away, stumbling back a couple of steps and turning away from him to gather my bearings.
"Rose…" He murmurs as he places his hand on my shoulder. I pull away, turning on him with all the anger I have in me.
"No. You don't get to do that!" I growl. "You don't get to come here and say these things and make me fall for you all over again, I won't allow it!" My words are irrational seeing as it's already done, I already feel the ache knowing one day, much sooner rather than later I'm going to be leaving him here alone.
"I'm sorry that I lied to you, and even worse that I left, but please I did it to protect you!" He says in a fairly uncharacteristic pleading tone.
"What the hell are you talking about? You hurt me to protect me?" the anger boils in my stomach.
"I was conflicted, after the attack and both of us almost dying, but a few weeks after a note was slid under my door, it said if I didn't leave then our relationship would be known. And we know what that would have done to both of us, but most importantly to you. They would have expelled you or permanently marked your record and I couldn't do that to you, so I left." He explains with a desperate look in his eyes.
I freeze. Tears burn my eyes and I can't help the almost hysterical laugh that comes from my lips. He pauses, looking concerned and worried as I laugh. How had she managed to get to him too?
"Of fucking course." I manage after what feels like a life time. Dimitri is taking cautious steps toward me and I take small steps back. "Dimitri…" The tears fall. "I can't do this right now."
Just like that I do what I'd become accustomed to doing in recent months, I run. Like lambs to the slaughter. Her taunting voice plays on repeat as the tears fall fast. Like lambs to the slaughter.