"You can't force me to stop working!" I growl hoarsely.
"I most certainly can, Dr. Oldenzki has informed me she has told you that you need plenty of rest and you aren't listening to her Rosemarie, so now it's up to me. Don't make me suspend you Rose, you need rest, so take it." Alberta is staring me down fiercely but I don't want to back down.
"But…"
"No Rose, go back to your room and get some rest, please." She pleads lightly. I grit my teeth in frustration.
"You don't understand…" I grumble, collapsing into the chair behind me.
"I understand well enough, if you keep putting your body through this, you're going to burn out a lot faster, take it easy for a little while." I look away from her concerned features; they do nothing but make my heart hurt.
I stand up and walk out of the room angrily.
I should be able to do my job. I should be able to wake up in the morning, train and do my job but lately that was impossible. I sleep a lot. Ever since I left prom that night I can barely make it out of bed and I know that it shows.
I hate what I've been forced to become, this isn't me. I don't want this to be my life, but somehow… it is. I'm weak and frail and pathetic. I can't even be a guardian any more. I can barely stand sometimes.
It takes a minute too long for me to realize that tears are falling down my cheeks. I scrub them viciously, hating my weakness, hating my body and myself.
"Roza?" I snap around to see Dimitri staring at me with honest concern. How does he still manage to look so handsome? Dimitri Belikov, the love of my life, Russian god extraordinaire.
"Listen about the other night," I'm talking before I give myself conscious consent to speak, he'd hurt me to protect me, now it's my turn to do the same. "I can't be with you Dimitri, you deserve a lot better than me, you deserve a life and children and happiness, I can't give that to you." I see the hurt in his eyes.
"Rose.., I know that I hurt you but we can…"
"We can't do anything Dimitri, there is no we," LIE. " I don't love you." LIE. "You were a decent mentor" LIE " and a better lay, now I've moved on and I suggest you do the same." LIES! I'm screaming at myself as I see a part of him break as I say the words. I hate myself even more for saying them. I can't stay to watch the destruction I've caused, I turn and walk away, leaving my heart with the man I'd broken.
It takes all the strength I have in my body to make it to my room before the tears fall. I did the right thing… if he hates me then… then he won't care. Right? Oh god, I'm regretting this already, but the only alternative is to tell him the truth… the whole truth. But it's too late for me.
Lissa.
I shake the tiny voice from my head. I can't damn her to an existence of healing me, I'm not Victor. No. They won't have to worry when I'm gone.
They'll hate themselves.
The tears burn my skin like acid. I try to shake the voice. This has to be it. My ending can't change…
But what if…
NO. I can't let myself hope, I've let this fester too long, the amount of magic it would take would cause too much darkness between Lissa and I, I'm not sure we could handle it. No, it's better off this way.
I just… want to say goodbye. But how can I possibly do that without tell them? My gaze finds my notebook that Lissa had gotten for me, sitting on my desk and the idea is instantaneous. I'd never written before and I think it's time.
And just like that I'm writing. Every regret, every word, every emotion is written in great detail. I'm pouring myself into this book, getting everything out and desperately trying to make them understand why it is that I've done this alone. Why I made the decision to leave them in the dark even after the compulsion was undone.
It isn't nearly enough, but it'll have to be. Long after my fingers have cramped and I've run out of room, I go back to the beginning and I write:
To my family who I love more than anything. I'm sorry.