I went back upstairs to my room and managed to avoid everyone. I found a healing salve in the potions beside my bed and started to apply that to all of the cuts and slices on my body. It stung at first but started to feel better quickly. Then, I lied down on the bed. I was purely exhausted, but my mind was racing in a thousand directions. I couldn't tell what to focus on. If I tried to focus on not focusing on anything, it was overwhelming.
Eventually, I fell asleep and slept for a very long time. I woke up a few times to toss and turn, but fell back into a slumber. I wasn't sure if it was the exhaustion or medicine or just the fact that I didn't have to worry about being woken up by intruders or Death Eaters. Eventually, I woke back up, but lay in bed. I was disoriented and couldn't find a clock. The sky outside was the reddish colors of either early morning or late in the day. The bed next to me was still empty.
There was a light knock on the door. "Who is it?" I asked, sitting up. The room danced around in front of my eyes. I shut my eyes and rubbed my forehead. I must have had a lot of medicine in my system.
"Bill."
"Come in." I managed. When I was able to open my eyes, I saw that Ron's brother was standing in the doorway. "Hi."
"Fleur said you got bit," he said. "I wanted to check on the bite, if that's okay."
I nodded and shrugged my shirt back. All of the muscles in my back protested as I did. I wasn't too keen on being touched by anyone, but I bit my lip and waited.
"I got bit," he said, "last year, when the Death Eaters attacked Hogwarts."
"I didn't know that," I said. I had been a bit preoccupied at the time. Dad had been withdrawing me from Hogwarts. I was more concerned about not leaving my friends and Adam, not what had happened to everyone.
"At first... I was terrified. I wasn't yet married to Fleur, but I was sure that would drive her away. I was afraid it would ruin any job I ever wanted. I thought I wouldn't be able to have kids. I thought it would ruin my life."
"She married you," I said.
"She did," he said. "She's amazing. But that's another story. It hasn't impacted my life as greatly as I thought it would. The wounds are cursed... but they've healed. It really hasn't changed much. I am still me, just with a new found desire for much rarer steaks. You will be okay, Kat."
"Thank you," I nodded. He looked at my back.
"It's not that bad... the bruise is worse than the bite. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now."
I didn't know what to say. I was in a lot of pain, inside and out. "Yeah."
"So I will make sure Fleur gives you plenty of pain potion." he said. "Once it heals, you will feel better. I think it won't plague you too much."
"Thank you."
"Well, Fleur is just about to put dinner on the table. Let's go down so we can eat," he said, smiling.
Finally, it was unavoidable. I would have to face everyone. I was hungry, though. "Okay."
"One... last thing," Bill said slowly. "Ron told me what else Greyback tried to do to you... if you need someone to talk to-"
"I'm fine," I said, trying to make myself sound firm and like I meant it. I did mean it. I did not want to talk about this at all.
"Alright."
~.~
Everyone had already sat down for dinner, and of course the only seat open was next to Harry. I sat down, and he did not even look at me. I just sighed, and reached for the food. Everything looked and smelled so good, that I was suddenly starving.
"Can I have the butter, please?" I asked him, quietly. I didn't want to make a fuss or anything; I just wanted to be invisible. Which I guess to him, I was, as he didn't do anything.
Everyone seemed preoccupied with their own conversations. Hermione was talking to Luna Lovegood, Bill and Fleur were in their own little conversation on the far side of the table. I tugged on his sleeve. "Butter."
He reached for it and placed it in front of me without looking at me. These simple actions just made me feel a host of new emotions. I felt disgusting. I was not a good person. I wanted to disappear and stop plaguing these people with my presence. All of these feelings made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry.
I picked around at my food until everyone else was done with their meals, then excused myself. I needed some fresh air. I headed out into the garden to get away from people. I couldn't take the looks, dripping with pity. I found a nice place to sit and just took a couple deep breaths full of fresh air. Ahhh.
"Mind if I join you?" I jumped, but it was only Ron. I patted the ground next to me.
"It's been a long day," I said, quietly. I just stared ahead of me. I didn't want to see if there was any pity in Ron's eyes. He seemed to be mostly unscathed, at least physically.
"It was," he said, "a very long day indeed."
We were quiet for a few minutes. There was stuff that I wanted to ask him, but I was having a hard time bringing myself to ask it. So I played with the hem of the shirt I was wearing and stared at the sea.
"I'm sorry about him," he said, finally.
"I don't know what to do," I said, pressing my fingers into my temples. I was perplexed and the whole situation made me feel off. "What did I do wrong?"
"You did nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, Kat." he said. "He's being a prick and I'm sorry... he thinks he is the reason that you got bit and almost got raped."
"That's so messed up, you know that," I said. "The reason it happened is because they're all sick fucks, not because of anything he had to do with it."
"I know," he said, though I wasn't sure I believed him.
"I knew what kind of dangers I was in before I got here. I signed up for this."
He nodded.
"And I love him," I said. "I love him a lot. And it's not fair that he can't be there for me when I need him. He won't even look me in the eyes. I understand why he feels like he does, but that doesn't mean he's not incredibly stupid." A few moments passed. I could tell he didn't know quite what to say. "He's not going to let me leave with you guys, is he?"
He shrugged. "I don't know what he's thinking anymore either, Kat. He doesn't share a lot with any of us until it's time to move."
It made me feel a little better that I wasn't the only one out of the loop. Harry was such a peculiar person. I tried to think back and discern the things that made me fall so in love with him, but it made my brain hurt.
"You should go rest," Ron said. "I'm sure you're exhausted."
"You should too," I told him. Just because I was hurt worse, didn't mean anything. We all had been run ragged and deserved rest.
"I plan to." he said, smiling. We both stood up and walked back inside to the house.
~.~
I spent a lot of time over the next few days asleep. I was trying to heal myself and recover from everything that had happened. The few times I saw Harry just made me feel awful, so I didn't really feel like leaving my room. I was perfectly content to lie in bed all day.
On about the fourth day of this, Fleur woke me up early. Well, I wasn't sure quite time what it was, but I knew that for the first time I was being woken up instead of waking up when I wanted to.
"I think it is time for you to get out of bed," she said. "Get up; get some fresh air and sun shine. It will help you feel better. "
I knew she was right, so I didn't argue; I just wasn't looking forward to it. "Okay," I said.
"Would you like me to cut your hair? I've cut Hermione's and the boys. You all needed them desperately."
"Sure," I said.
"Good," she said. "Get dressed and come downstairs. I will have breakfast waiting."
I let myself smile a small smile. I was lucky to have her. I got dressed and took some time to brush my teeth. It finally seemed like everything had healed. My nose would forever be crooked. I had lost a lot of things on this trip, and my nose was one of them. I was starting to get color back as well, compared to a few days ago. I was still too skinny and ratty looking.
I said good morning to Luna, who was reading in the living room. She was strange, but nice enough. The clock that hung on the mantle in the living room said it was ten o'clock in the morning.
I walked into the kitchen and saw that Fleur had put a bowl of porridge on the table. I could see she was outside talking to Bill. They had such a beautiful home. It sort of reminded me of my family's house by the sea. I hadn't yet been down to the beach, but maybe I would do that later.
After I ate, Fleur came in and cut my hair. I just let her do whatever she wanted to with it, I didn't care. When she was done, it was a lot shorter but felt so much healthier. I ran my fingers through it and it made me feel better. "Thank you," I said.
"Of course," she said.
I went outside and walked down to the beach. It was a little colder than prime beach weather, but I was sure that during the summer it would be gorgeous. I found a dry spot of sand and sat down to just be for a bit.
I was so glad to be here . Here was alive and safe, something I had taken for granted for so much of my life. I had a roof over my head, hot food, and I didn't have to worry about being attacked? I had been preoccupied with being in charge for so long. Maybe I wasn't in charge of the entire mission, but I was in charge of keeping us fed. The whole time I had been away had been so stressful. This was just such a relief.
I thought about Harry, and then realized I didn't want to think about him. The whole situation but a bad taste in my mouth and made me angry. I did not deserve this. But what was I supposed to do about? He made it clear that he didn't want to be around me. It felt like every time I entered the room, he tried to leave. He wouldn't look at me.
I knew they were preparing to leave. I wasn't sure when, but it seemed like they were getting ready. I felt completely excluded, and knew I wasn't welcome to come with them. It was hard, to know I had come so far and given up so much, yet I couldn't finish what I had started. I tried not to think about it.
On the far end of the beach, I saw Harry and Ron had come down. They started to walk in the opposite direction, but I wasn't sure they had even seen me to begin. I sighed, and decided to walk back up to the house. I needed to go make myself be useful.
Author's Note: Here we go! Another chapter done. Happy Holidays to everyone celebrating. Thanks to potter-reading-coastier for betaing. Let me know what you think! If I get 5 reviews, I'll post another chapter on Christmas!