A/N: O so when I originally wrote this it wasn't supposed to go past chapter 1. Then it did and turned into a crazy piece that I sit down and write. I post new chapters when I feel like I've come to a good ending point for it. There might be some discrepancies in this chapter. I went back through and tried to fix any after I swerved way left with what happened to Lucy in the past. Trigger Warning I don't go into it deep in this chapter but Lucy's dad did physically abuse her when she was a child so if that is something that is hard for you to read about even in small doses don't read this chapter.

It was sad that Lucy couldn't remember the last time she had this much fun. Vas and Alex had filled her in on everything she had missed. The return of Mon-El, the behind the scenes of the Worldkiller debacle and how Kara had found her mother.

"That would explain the absence of my favorite Kryptonian. I was surprised I hadn't run into her yet."

"If she hadn't gone to Argo City the second time we wouldn't have been able to stop the Worldkillers and save Sam at the same time."

"Sam is Lena Luthors bestie, right?"

"Correct. You would like her. Well at least I think you will. Oh, that reminds me I have to watch Ruby tomorrow night."

"And Ruby would be?"

"Oh, shit sorry, Ruby is Sam's daughter. Sam has a business meeting in Metropolis she should be back around 9. I made the plans before you were back if it's too much I can call Sam and see if someone else can watch Ruby."

That had to be one of Lucy's favorite things about Alex the nervous rambling. Lucy took a look at Vasquez and they were trying so hard to stifle their laughter. "Alex it's ok. I happen to like kids and don't mind if you have Ruby over. I would just double check with Sam if it's ok for me to be here while you watch her daughter. Sam doesn't know me and I don't want to make her uncomfortable."

"Oh, I don't think Sam will have a problem with you being here. Alex and Kara couldn't shut up about you the last time we all hung out. Ruby has heard enough about you that she can't wait to meet you."

"Wow talked about me that much Danvers?" Lucy knew Alex wouldn't be able to hide the redness that was creeping up her cheeks. She got up from her chair and placed a kiss on one of her now very red cheeks. "Seriously Alex let Sam know I'll be here so she can decide if she wants me around her kid or not. If she isn't ok with it I can crash with Vas. Get that rematch of poker in. I've been waiting almost two years to get you back after you played dirty last time."

"To be fair Lane we were playing strip poker at your request. It isn't my fault that you couldn't get enough of this masterpiece." Vas gestured their hands over their body. "You have a type Lucy and it was the only way I was going to beat you in a game. You really do have the poker face down."

"Lawyering 101 perfect the poker face. It has honestly come in handy for more than just the court room and playing poker. Take the incident with my dad today as example number one." Lucy grabbed their plates and dropped them in the sink. She watched Alex grab the bowl of pasta and bring it into the kitchen, then reach into one of the cabinets for three whiskey tumblers. It was time Lucy had been avoiding this long enough tonight.

She walked back to the table with one of the bottles Vas had brought. She poured each of them a generous amount into their tumblers. Lucy didn't know where to begin. "I have no idea where I should start. My dad hasn't been right since my mom died. Today made me realize how off his rocker he was. I don't think my 'defying orders' in his mind helped. I'm 90 percent sure he came up with the mission to get me away from the DEO but I don't have proof of that, so we'll let that go for now.

"I started to suspect something was off with my dad when he asked me to do something that I know wasn't right and definitely wasn't ordered by the US government."

Lucy was beginning to wonder if she should really tell Alex and Vasquez what her father had made her do. "He ordered me and several members of my squadron to murder innocent aliens. They hadn't done anything wrong. They were just trying to fit into a world that was different from the one they had just fled.

"They were hiding in the deserts of Africa and I refused to kill them. We had no reason to. They weren't hostile all they wanted was to live their lives in peace. I was punished because I refused orders. I had to watch as my father beat an alien child to death. I knew at that point arguing was pointless and I'm ashamed to admit that the punishments I received because I refused orders was enough to keep me from defying them again."

Lucy took a rather large gulp of her whiskey. It burned going down, but the burn felt good. She would spend the rest of her life remembering the looks on the faces of the aliens she had murdered. Because that is what it was. Murder. They hadn't done anything wrong and they shouldn't have been killed. Not a day went by that Lucy wished she had fought harder and saved the lives that she had taken. Even if it meant that she never found out what it was like to be held by Alex Danvers. To be kissed by Alex Danvers like she was a deity to be worshiped. She would give all of that up in a heartbeat if it meant that all those innocent aliens were still alive.

Wiping the tears from her eyes she continued, "After that we left Africa and went to Russia and thankfully didn't have any more aliens to exterminate. If I had to endure anymore of that I probably would have defected at some point because that was what my father was having us do. Exterminate aliens like this was the holocaust all over again. This was when you and Maggie ended things. I hate to say this but it's true you and Maggie breaking up gave me a wakeup call.

"I realized that my dad had been pulling strings for me my entire career. I think his hope for me on this mission was to bring me to his side. Make me hate aliens just as much as he does. But I can't. He has always been completely oblivious to my love life. If he had been half as observant as half of the DEO he would have realized that the woman I am in love with has an alien for a sister. So needlessly killing them wasn't on my list of things I wanted to do. Things were quiet for a while. No alien activity that we could tell.

"Russia was mostly an intel gathering mission. We had heard that there was a Russian version of the DEO out there and we needed to find out as much as we could on the organization. Turns out Russia does have their own version of the DEO but it's more like CADMUS than it is the DEO. I was able to sneak in one night and what I saw was terrifying. Thankfully they weren't experimenting on any alien children but the experiments they were conducting were less than savory.

"I reported back to my father and General Anderson on what I had seen. I know I had been ordered to kill innocent lives, fought hard not to, but did it anyway because of what they did to me but what they were asking me to do this time I couldn't agree with. But I couldn't risk being tortured again so I had to act like I was in on the plan. Act like I agreed with everything my father had been asking me to do all along. That was the only way I could rescue the innocent aliens and save my own skin in the process."

Lucy poured herself another generous helping of whiskey. She downed half of it, letting the burning sensation ground her. Alex might hate her for killing all those innocent aliens. Lucy would personally never forgive herself for killing all the innocent alien children. But then again maybe death really was the better option for them. If they hadn't killed them they could have easily become experiments for Lillian Luthor and the new version of CADMUS. Once Vasquez left she knew Alex would ask what exactly she had endured as a punishment for refusing to kill those innocent aliens and she couldn't lie to Alex. She also couldn't lie to herself anymore.

Telling this story was bring old memories to the surface. Memories that had come back when she had defied orders in Africa but had managed to lock away again. They still weren't clear memories, but she could decipher enough to know what had happened. Why there was a time she had been afraid of her father. Why Louise had left and never looked back. With a slightly shakier voice Lucy spoke again.

"The reason my father was upset that I asked to skip the official debrief in Washington was because I had defied orders in Russia. He didn't realize it until it was too late. He figured he would get me arrested at the debrief. I managed to get a dozen aliens free and away from the Russian government before they knew what was going on and before whoever had set up this nongovernment sanctioned mission knew what had happened. I overheard a conversation between my father, General Anderson and Lillian Luthor one night. They wanted any information they could get on any alien species to help them create weapons that they could turn against them.

"That also included the strangest thing I encountered while in Russia. They were experimenting with alien hybrids, clones and introducing specific strands of alien DNA into a human to see if they could harness the powers of that particular alien species. They were trying to create the ultimate army of humanoid weapons. They had only succeeded in combining human DNA with Infernian DNA everything else resulted in unstable genetic mutations."

Lucy looked toward Alex again. She had expected to see a look of disgust, but Alex was always full of surprises. She had tears running down her cheeks and so much compassion and sympathy in her eyes. Then she took a look at Vasquez and she saw hatred in their eyes. She was hoping it was hatred for what her father had made her do because it would be very hard to believe that Vas would hate her for what she had done when it had been out of her control.

"I know what I've done isn't forgivable by any means but I don't want my actions to negatively affect our relationships going forward. Alex, I meant it when I said you are the woman that I love. I know you may not feel the same way yet and that's ok, but I do love you and I can't wait to see where our lives take us. Vas apart from Alex you're the only true friend I've had in National City and if you can't forgive me for my actions I completely understand."

Alex listened to every word Lucy said. When she heard Lucy speak of murdering innocent alien children she didn't want to believe that Lucy Lane would be capable of such things. Then she heard Lucy say that her father had punished her for defying orders. Which meant that Lucy hadn't killed initially. It broke Alex's heart to hear that Lucy was forced to watch as her father beat an innocent child to death. If Lucy was made to watch that what else had her father done to her to make her comply with his orders? She had mentioned he tortured her but how? After his behavior today, Alex was thinking worst case scenario and she was hoping it wasn't that. She already didn't like Sam Lane if she found out that he had laid a hand on Lucy Alex wasn't so sure she could guarantee he would make it out of the DEO alive.

The fact that Lucy had to deal with this on her own for the better part of a year was more upsetting to Alex than anything. She couldn't deny her hatred of Sam Lane and the things that he had made his daughter do under the disguise of the US Government. She knew she would have to have a talk with Lucy about the specifics of the mission. If Lucy didn't feel like Alex was a good person to talk to about them Alex had no issue setting up a meeting with the President. Or one of the therapists at the DEO. Because Alex knew that the orders Lucy had received were unethical and unlawful. But the torture that Lucy had received for defying unethical orders was just as unethical.

Alex looked at Vasquez and she knew they were thinking the same things she was. Steps would have to be taken to ensure that whoever was behind this would suffer the consequences of their actions. Not just because this was an unethical use of the US military but because their friend had been traumatized because of it. When Lucy said she loved her that threw Alex off a little. She remembered a time two years ago when she had come home from a rather long day at the DEO to Lucy cooking her dinner.

She remembers walking through that door and not being surprised that Lucy was there. There was another feeling that she hadn't understood at the time but now she did. It was relief. Relief that she was coming home to someone. But not just anyone. Lucy a woman that she loved. At the time she thought it was just a love that friends shared. Because in a sleep induced haze she had told Lucy she loved her, and she had meant it. But did she mean it in the context of which she had said it? Probably not. Sleepy Alex couldn't always be trusted with the context in which she said things.

Lucy had never brought it up so she could never be sure that it had happened. Hearing Lucy say those words to her brought all those hazy memories to the surface. She got up from her seat and scooped Lucy up in her arms. She held her because that was what she needed right now. Words of comfort would come later. Right now, Lucy just needed to feel grounded while she let out the demons of this past year and a half.

Vasquez wanted to go to the DEO and murder Sam Lane. If Alex wasn't going to get Lucy to tell all of this to the appropriate people she would. There was no way she wasn't going to let all of that slide by unnoticed. What scared them more than the horrendous things their friend had been forced to do was what it had done to her.

They had never seen Lucy this broken. Aside from Alex, Lucy was the strongest person they knew. She watched the tears fall while Alex held her. They could see the fear and worry in her eyes. Lucy was terrified that her actions would cost her the woman she loved and her friend. Vasquez figured that Lucy wasn't giving them the whole story. Many parts of that mission were classified. It also didn't help that Lucy was probably reliving the visuals of killing those aliens and anything else she was forced to do.

"Lucy look at me." Vasquez put their hand out, watched Lucy slowly turn her head toward them. They flex their hand, waited for Lucy to grab it. They squeezed their friends hand as tight as they could. "Lucy it wasn't your fault. You were following orders. It would take a lot more than that to get rid of us. Especially Alex. I know she hasn't said it yet, but she loves you too." Vasquez locked their gaze with Alex as they said the last part. They smile that spread across her face was confirmation that Alex definitely loved Lucy.

Lucy felt Alex's hold on her tighten when Vasquez said they knew Alex loved her. There was way more to this crazy tale but she couldn't go into those details with Vasquez here. She wasn't even sure if she could tell Alex. She knew that being he director of the DEO meant she had a pretty high security clearance but wasn't sure if that was enough to tell her about what she saw happening in Russia. She also didn't feel comfortable telling Vasquez what her father had threatened her with, and what he had ultimately done, when she had initially refused to kill needlessly. She wasn't even sure she wanted to tell Alex.

But Alex wasn't just her best friend anymore she was her girlfriend. They had to tell each other the hard stuff. Even if it meant reliving more of her nightmares from the last year and a half and a few others she had forgotten about. That had come back to the surface tonight. Those were the reasons she was shedding the silent tears. The memories that her mind had repressed to protect her all those years ago.

After a few minutes Lucy was able to pull herself together. She reached for her glass that Vasquez had refilled. She took a sip of the amber liquid, "Sorry for falling apart like that. There is more to this, but I can't talk about it right now. I don't think I could mentally take it. Plus, some things are classified, and I don't think you have the security clearance to hear about it Vas."

"Probably not and that's ok. But the things you can talk about you know I'm always here for you. Or you know if you don't want to talk about it and just need a distraction I'm good for that too." They downed the rest of their whiskey and got up from their chair and walked over to Lucy and Alex. She kissed the top of Lucy's head, "I gotta go. Early shift tomorrow. If you need anything don't hesitate to call. Same goes for you Danvers."

Alex and Vasquez shared a look before they left the apartment. Alex wasn't going into work tomorrow. Vasquez was going to tell Pam enough information on to satisfy her for Alex absence. She couldn't lie and say that seeing Lucy completely broken had scared her. Lucy was the most stoic person she knew besides J'onn.

"Vas was right."

"About what?"

"I do love you Lucy. I'm not going to leave you because of things your father made you do. If anything, we need to tell the appropriate people about this. We don't have to do it now obviously but when you're ready."

"Yeah the only problem is I don't know how far my dad's reach is within the army. I don't necessarily want to bother the president with this but other than you and Colonel Preston, she is the only person I trust with this information. Before I tell anyone else about this, there is more and I don't want to talk about it tonight. In telling you and Vas about what I did and my father punishing me for defying orders I remembered some things."

Alex felt Lucy trembling. Whatever it was that she had remembered had to be bad. Alex's mind immediately went to some form of child abuse. She hated to even think that but given today's events and things Lucy had said about her time away Alex was 99% sure that was what Lucy was referring to.

"We can talk about it whenever you are ready. But I do have one question and you don't have to answer it if you really don't want to."

Lucy didn't need to hear the question to know what it was. Alex was smart and very good at piecing together the whole puzzle when she didn't have all the pieces. She turned in Alex's arms to search those beautiful hazel eyes. She put a hand on Alex's cheek and let a single tear fall. While holding Alex's gaze she gave her the answer to the question, "Yes Alex my father did beat me when I was a child."

She watched as Alex's face went from worried to filled with rage to worried again. Then Alex started crying, "I'm sorry Lucy about all of it. The child abuse, the things your dad made you do. If I could go back in time and change any of it for you I would."

Lucy laughed and placed her forehead on Alex's, "I know you would. It's one of many reasons I love you. My knight in not so shiny DEO tactical gear."

Alex snorted, "You are such a dork."

"But I'm your dork." Lucy leaned in and captured Alex's lips in hers. Before long the kiss became much more heated. Lucy's hands had found their way under Alex's shirt somehow and Alex's had found her ass. "Take me to bed."

Alex moved her hands from Lucy's backside to wrap around her waist. When Alex had stood up Lucy wrapped her legs around Alex, her lips never leaving hers. Once they made it to the bed Alex gently laid her down and gently started removing her clothes. With each piece Alex removed she placed kisses on various parts of newly exposed skin.

Lucy had forgotten what it felt like to be touched by another human. In this way. But then again, she had never had anyone treat her with such reverence before. She was quickly learning that Alex was full of surprises. If this was what it felt like to have someone show you how much they loved you then she was only a tiny bit sorry she had wasted time by not telling Alex how she felt sooner. Because this was a feeling she would never get tired of.

One day in the not too distant future she would return the favor but tonight she was going to let Alex worship her. For however long she wanted. Because this was what Lucy had been searching for all along. Someone who made her feel safe, protected and loved. Unconditionally.