.:4:.

Cody's Log I

Cody's Log

It's been a few days since I've last written—or to be completely accurate, typed. I didn't realize time was moving by so quickly. I've been so busy. There's so much work that needs to be done if we're going to have this Sadie Hawkins dance done next month and Prom in April. But it seems like everyone is really excited about it once it was announced this morning. Guys and girls are equally excited. The guys being that they don't have the pressure of having to ask, pay for the ticket, pay for the ride, and whatever else expense that would come from it. And the girls were excited for the same reason, if there was anyone they particularly wanted to go with they could just ask. He heard some excited over the excuse to get a new dress as well as others glad there was another event being put on rather than just waiting for prom and graduation.

Especially since prom was rumored to be turning into an event only juniors and seniors could attend. Our school isn't big enough for a football team, but it's big enough that we have trouble dealing with accommodations for all the students attending. In laymen's terms, I mean money. That's always been something that parents, teachers, and staff alike whispered about. Something Mr. Forgess publicly stated he would remedy when taking on the mantle of becoming the Principal for the High School. Though as far as I know, government funding is one of the biggest things that should be changed for our public school and other public schools in our city and other areas. That was always going to be an issue to overcome. But in terms of money for the students, he was proactive in that area.

Nevertheless, there was always an incident for money with each class that moved through school. We've had as many fundraisers as any other class has had and it continued to be the main topic of discussion for the student council each time they met up. Hopefully this is a tactic that'll work out. I've said it one before an I'll say it again, Zack should join the student council. But each time I bring it up, he snorts and rolls his eyes. Then he says something about it only being for nerds and dweebs and the conversation would be over.

But I kept trying. That's the way to deal with Zack sometimes, to continue mentioning it until he can't say 'no' anymore. Or make him think it was his idea. Okay, I'll admit, it sounds bad. But it worked. Nagging him to do his homework, nagging him to do his chores, working on eating healthier. Okay, that was more that he got annoyed of my acting like Chef Paolo and not wanting to get sick from eating so much sugar and junk food all the time. Sure, he slimmed down and worked out more but his diet didn't change so much. (I can't even begin to tell you how many times I'd wake up in the middle of the night listening to Zack crunch on chips while he played his video game).

I tend to do this a lot. To point out Zack's flaws and everything. But that's not what I write in here for. I write for me and to speak about what's going on during my day or what I'm working through. A stream of consciousness if you will. You can figure out some of the most inner workings of your mind while doing so. I may as well admit it, one thing I can say about Zack is he's creative when he needs to be. I didn't think a Sadie Hawkins Homecoming would work out, but Bailey and I talked about it with Mr. Forgess—as he's the faculty advisor to the whole student counsel along with Miss. Tutweiller—and he totally went for it.

Miss. Tutweiller practically screamed with excitement when we brought it up, too. I think she's a little more excited than the students are. (She did say something about finally being able to have a date that wasn't her cousin or one of her cats). Miss. Tutweiller is quirky like that. Still, she does greatly care for her students, even though I'd question her teaching abilities sometimes. There have been many times I should've gotten higher marks on my tests and she would just give me straight 100s. (I'm still trying to get Mr. Forgess to understand my plight with this. I think I'm wearing him down).

I don't worry about Zack as much as I used to but I still worry. He has been doing better. He does his homework, he goes to therapy once a week, he does his homework for therapy, works hard to stay on the basketball team, he goes to work at the Tipton daycare nearly every day, and has even worked be a better friend. Yeah, he still makes fun of me, Tape, and Bailey for being so into our academics but not as much as he used to. And if you know Zack, you know that's a change.

Still, there are things that Zack hasn't changed. I know he's still throwing up. Not as much as he used to and some of the time it's not even that he's doing it on purpose. I've noticed recently that whenever he became anxious, he would become nauseous. Sometimes he'd throw up, other times he would curl up in a ball and hold his arms around his stomach. But one time recently I think I heard him throwing up on purpose. We had been doing homework together—that was something that I gently insisted upon. I wouldn't do the homework for him—other than our bet, but I'd do it with him.

He was grumpy about that at first and rolled his eyes but went along with it. I think that helped. But I noticed he had been staring at the same page in his math book for probably twenty minutes. Frowning at the same problems in front of him. Then he got to his feet and ran to the bathroom. I was seconds behind him, only stopping when the door nearly hit me in the face. I immediately started to knock.

"Zack? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He didn't sound fine. "Go away."

"Are you sure? I can get you some ginger ale. Oh! Or I could make you some tea." Not to toot my own horn, but I'm amazing at making tea. Anything having to do with food, really. I knew chamomile teal was good at calming down anxieties as it was for nausea.

Zack didn't reply.

I listened hard, pressing my ear against the door. And I heard a low coughing sound a few times before the sound of liquid hitting the toilet water. I frowned, shaking my head as my stomach sank. I did a lot of studying of eating disorders since Zack's diagnosis and had prided myself in my medical knowledge enough to know that he had made himself throw up. If it had just happened, there wouldn't have been the extra sounds of what resembled sticking a finger—or even a tongue depressor—down his throat.

When Zack came out of the bathroom, I waited for him the entire time, he didn't look at me. He just went back to the table and started working again, wiping his hand on the legs of his jeans. I thought it was a nervous movement at the time, but now I knew he was trying to dry off the finger that he used to stick down his throat.

That's disgusting.

But it's his life now. He wasn't going to be 100% better for the rest of his life even if he made himself throw up ten years down the line. It was something he would manage for the rest of his life. I want to help but he won't let me do it.

It's okay though, I'm patient.

And he's my brother, I'm not going to give up on him.

I guess not much else has been going on. We won another one of our games, putting us closer towards the championships. Actually, I made the winning shot. (My studies of physics and angles make it easy for me to get the shots no matter where I am on the court). It was embarrassing, really. I've never been an athletic guy and to know I was the one that won that game for us was hard to get used to. But there was Zack, being the first to congratulate me.

Before, he would've gotten mad and tried his hardest to get better to beat me. Honestly, I know it's not true, but I know I'm the reason Zack started his eating disorder. He didn't like that I was good and wanted to get better than me.

There's that twin comparison for you.

As for my friends, not much has been going on. The semester only just started so we're still trying to figure things out; with SATs and ACTs coming in close, college applications going out, senior projects needing to be finished, determining what was going to happen when we graduated. Or maybe that was me, wondering where everyone was going to be going. Alright, I'll admit, I'm being a little selfish. Boston was my home and as much as I want to go to Yale, the thought of leaving my home and friends scared me. Or, maybe losing someone in particular…

There's that stream of consciousness I was talking about before.

Rhuben had said she wanted to return to Australia last semester but decided to stay to finish out the school year. But there was still the chance she'd go back once graduating. We didn't talk about it much, when I tried she would change the subject. Or maybe it was something else. She and her siblings hadn't said anything about Robert being back around again but that didn't mean he would give up trying to talk to them. Crystal had said her father, Christian, was constantly running interference in case he contacted them once more.

And I was glad for that, they didn't need any memory of the pain they went through. She and her siblings had certainly changed since we met; she was a lot happier and nicer but it had only been a few years and I can still see the hesitation and distrust creep into her face at times.

I think that's scarier than anything. Knowing on the outside people look fine but on the inside, they were hurting.

I didn't think Zack would be the one hurting.

I'm still going to help him the best way I can.

But sometimes, I just want him to talk to me.

I mention it to him and he just does the same thing. He smiles at me and says, "Don't worry about me, Cody. I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

That's my secret though, as much as he can stand on his own two feet, I always worry about him.

So much so that I never realize when I should be worrying about myself.

A/N: Just as a reminder; Christian, Crystal, and Aaron Manning (cousins to the Jacksons) are owned by Crystal Manning while the Jacksons are owned by me. Sorry it took so long for me to update. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Please let me know what you thought. Also, for the reviewer that asked, I do have some other Zack-centered stories coming up as well as those that enjoy this AU series, I have a series that comes directly after this one that I'm planning as well.

Cheers,

-Riles