After cleaning up after Arthurs tantrum, Merlin noticed Arthurs mood towards him had changed. Arthur also seemed to relax a bit. His grades went up a bit and even Uther seemed pleased. Merlin had to work harder now, he didn't want Arthur to get better than he was. He felt that his grades kept him on upper ground. And after he had stated that he liked biology and made a point of how that correlated with how good you were, Merlin kind of felt that he would let Arthur down if his grades weren't better than his. Merlin didn't mind about the extra work though. Now he had a mission and it kept him occupied.
Arthur still called him idiot and Merlin answered with everything he got, but it was different. Their insults didn't seem to be out of resentment anymore, but more like something Merlin had been used to do with Will. Like they were…friends? Maybe not yet, but still Merlin realised that it was more fun to see Arthur smiling rather than annoyed. And when the school year ended, Arthur actually smiled at Merlin. A real smile. Something shifted inside Merlin then. Suddenly Arthur was everywhere. Of course without school and much less football practices, Arthur was around more but Merlin found himself noticing every time he entered the room. Merlin noticed his clothes, his mood and his movements. When Arthur left, Merlin felt he wanted to go with him. It felt weird and unnerving so he never said anything and he avoided talking to Arthur if he didn't talk to Merlin first.
Still their relationship seemed to change to a closer one. Merlin was able to joke with Arthur who seemed to find Merlins humour funny now that he was used to it. That made Merlin feel good with himself in a way he hadn't experienced before. Seeing Arthur smile just made his day a little bit brighter. His smiles made Merlin smile also.
Merlins mother got in to the nursing school that had been her first choice. It was a bit far away, but it was in the same direction Uthers company was so she could get a lift from him. It was well respected and they had schooling program for adults. Hunith was thrilled and Merlin was happy for her. Her semester would start first of september, two weeks after Merlins school started again. Uther took them all to a fancy restaurant to celebrate and finally Merlin felt that he knew enough and felt confident and relaxed enough to actually enjoy his food. Once he was about to mess up but Arthur kicked his leg lightly making Merlin realise his mistake. He looked at Arthur thankfully. Arthur pretended not to notice, like he hadn't done anything. Instead he made fun of Merlin when he didn't recognise something on his plate, but Merlin just found himself joking with him and in the end they both smiled making Hunith happy.
It was still until august when Merlin realised that his thoughts of Arthur were getting more and more frequent and while at first they had been mainly thoughts like 'I like to see him laugh' or 'I wonder if he's coming home soon' or 'thats a nice shirt'. Nowadays they seemed to be more and more like 'He looks good in that' or 'he looks handsome when he smiles' or 'I wonder what his chest feels like'. This made Merlin more nervous with himself. He was clad when school started again, he thought that he must have gone a bit crazy being howled up in this big and too empty house (in Merlins opinion). He couldn't wait to see Gwen again who he had only called during the summer.
When the school started again, they had to arrange the transportation again. Arthur told Uther that he would run to school from now on. He needed the exercise and he could shower at school. Uther had agreed on this because Arthur made a good point of how it would benefit him and how now was the time to rise his aerobic fitness for if he was made to be captain, he would need to be the best. He also told Uther that if he got to be the captain, he would need a car which Uther told him he would get as soon as he turned 16 if he was able to rise his grades and get to be the best in his team. To Merlin these conditions seemed unreasonable, but Arthur seemed motivated. Merlin would have to ride with Uther alone from now on and it made Merlin a bit nervous. He had tried to think Uther as his father, but he had soon realised that that was not going to happen. It wasn't that Uther didn't seem alright, but Merlin was slightly intimidated by his strictness and lack of humour. Uther rarely showed any interest towards him when his mother wasn't around and when he did, Merlin wished he hadn't. In a way he feared that Uther would start demanding him the same level of achievements than he did from Arthur. Sometimes Melin also saw Uther watching him and that made Merlin extremely nervous. He hoped that he wasn't doing anything wrong.
After Uther had taken Merlin to school, he would come to home and work in his home office for some time and then take Hunith to her school and go to his companys main building. He would then come to pick Merlin up from school and Arthur would get ride from Elyan (who had gotten his drivers license) to home. Hunith would take a bus and walk the rest of the way (the area was so fancy that there was no bus going trough it). Uther had offered that she could take a cab if he couldn't come and pick her up, but Hunith had told him that she would rather walk, it was good to get some fresh air anyway. In the end Uther had agreed to that.
The first school days were filled with teachers telling them how important this year was and what was expected of them. In a way Merlin started to feel how this system might not be the best. Of course the classes they got were top notch and the teachers were highly knowledgeable of their subjects and the class rooms, library and technology were all new, but to Merlin it felt that they didn't … care so much. The teachers hardly remembered even his name and they kind of expected the pupils to make the effort themselves. Of course some of the teachers did, but some really didn't. Merlin had also learned that knowing much of some subject didn't automatically make one a good teacher.
It took Merlin until wednesday he ate lunch with Gwen and he realised that while Gwens smiles made him happy, it was different. Somehow it was different. "Isn't she beautiful?" Gwen pointed to the crowd and Merlin had hard time spotting where she was pointing. "I mean look at those wavy curls and that oval face… I mean it's not like I want that kind of hair but just noticed." At this point of time Merlin had learned that Gwen had a habit of correcting herself thinking she could cause a misunderstanding so he just grinned while trying to spot who Gwen was talking about "I don't see…" he had to admit after few seconds. "There right in front of the cashier now." Gwen tried to signal the direction for Merlin without actually pointing the girl.
Merlin turned his head one more time and he saw her, yes, a pretty girl with wavy blond hair and doll like face. He realised he had seen her before, but he just hadn't think of her as that special. "Oh, her…" he said uninterested "Really Merlin, she's not your type huh? Tell me what is your type." Gwen said now grinning like Cheshire cat and leaned forward, closer to Merlin. Merlin felt heat rise to his face and he wished this conversation would disappear and never come back. "I guess I like um… blondes?" He didn't sound too convincing even to himself and Gwen didn't buy it either "Really…?" she said with a doubt in her voice. "Yes really, what is your type anyway? For example, who would you chose in our class if you had to?" He challenged as much to know and to take the pressure from himself. "I don't really have to." Gwen replied making Merlin actually curious on the subject "Just hypothetically." he pressed "But I don't have to." Gwen replied in sing a song voice. "I bet you wouldn't know your type if he sat right next to you." Merlin huffed at her and grinned not really meaning anything with it, and concentrated on his meal again feeling relieved that he didn't have to answer Gwens question.
Gwen on the other hand blushed and had to turn her gaze to something else than Merlin. "Oh, there's Arthur, how rare." She suddenly said forgetting their conversation. This made Merlin look up from his meal. Arthur usually ate somewhere else, but now he was walking straight to where they were sitting. "Mind if I join you?" His question was directed to Gwen and when she nodded, Arthur didn't even bother to look at Merlin. "Yes, we do mind. We don't want any dollop heads in our table." he said just to annoy Arthur who now had his full attention. "I have to inform you Merlin, that is not even a word." Arthur said in a manner that told Merlin that he could still end up in the stew on todays menu. "If it was in biology textbook, you wouldn't even know." Merlin still shot back. He liked to live dangerously with Arthur nowadays. Arthur chuckled and leaved it be. (To Merlis surprise.) "I'll kill you later but I had a reason of coming here to sit with an idiot like you." Arthur just said with an almost amused tone "And what might that be other than to marvel at Gwens beauty?" Merlin asked jokingly and to his amusement Gwen giggled and Arthur blushed. Merlin laughed at them until Arthur threw his fork at Merlin.
"Seriously you are such an idiot Merlin! It's impossible to talk to you!" After that Merlin let him explain how he needed Merlin to be his lab partner and explain to their teacher that Arthur will be in next time because today he had to run some errands for football because- he is going to be the captain! This last part he told proudly grinning and Merlin couldn't help but smile to that. After that Arthur ate quickly and left to find their gym teacher who also was in charge of the football team.
"Since when did you get along so well?" Gwen asked as soon as Arthur had left. Merlin kind of knew, but he still just shrugged his shoulders and told her that these kind of thing happen when you were forced to live with someone. Gwen giggled at that too and Merlin felt again like blushing "You are the worst!"
Gwen just giggled more.
In the lab Merlin didn't have much to do. The class was boring and the teacher was mainly telling what they were going to learn in this semester and arranging lab partners which Merlin already had so he used his time to ponder on himself. He thought about what Gwen had asked him and he realised that he really didn't have a type of girls that he liked but… with boys it was different. He liked tall, well built type, but not too muscular like those body builders. He preferred short hair over long but not too short, like normal, not coloured and normal looking a bit like Arthur… Yes Arthur was a great example. He smiled a bit to himself. What a stupid thought! Like he could have a crush on Arthur. Their parents were dating! But still… it didn't hurt to like his looks, right…? Right…
He knew that he had been looking at Arthur and even now when he thought that he would normalise, it seemed that it just got stronger. He liked how Arthur looked and he liked his smiles and the way he wasn't hating him anymore. At this point Merlin chose to concentrate on class, it would be highly embarrassing to continue this thought here.
Arthur reached the class just when it was about to end. He handed the teacher a note from PE teacher and after that he caught up with Merlin. "So how did it go? Anything I have to know?" he asked clearly in good spirits. It made Merlin a bit happy. "Not really" Merlin tried to remember if there was anything worth mentioning. "We should complete 20 exercises and we will need everything we have learned until now… oh! And Gwen is paired to Vivian and is devastated right now." Merlin grinned at the mental image of his friend hitting her head on her table after trying to explain anything to Vivian. Arthur laughed "That I know! My father is friends with her father, she can be a handful. But if I had to choose from some others, she's not so bad…"
There was a feeling… Merlin couldn't put his finger on it, but he didn't like that Arthur practically complemented a beautiful (rude, but still beautiful) girl. "Well you know what they say about blondes…" he said and Arthur answered without thinking "Yeah… hey!" This made Merlin laugh and dodge as Arthur tried to hit him lazily. "Come here!" Arthur yelled as Merlin tried to run, but Arthur was faster and he took Merlin by his neck and knuckled him in the head "Ow, ow, ow, ow all right!" Merlin yelled but his laughter gave him away. He really liked Arthurs attention.
As Arthur released him, Merlin found himself missing the contact. 'Am I really serious? Could I be… gay?' Merlin felt weird of this thought, like he wasn't even supposed to think that word. Still he suddenly felt … in a way right? Relieved? He wasn't sure. Like a question he had never known he had to ask but the answer had always been inside of him. He really had to think this over and luckily Arthur had to run to his football practice and Uther was going to pick Merlin up so they had to separate. On his way to the parking lot Merlin thought this thought over and over in his head. 'It would make sense… ' he had never really liked girls or paid much attention to them. Male body had always been much more interesting to him. Still, he had to keep this to himself. He remembered what Uther had said that one night about homosexual people and he seriously didn't want to get on the wrong side of his mothers partner.
Uthers car was already parked when Merlin reaches the entrance. He flung the front door open and sat next to Uther. "I expect you to be on time tomorrow, Merlin." Uther commented as son as the door was closed. Merlin felt bad, he knew he was at fault. He had been slow on purpose and Uther had taken time from his busy schedule for him "Sorry, I won't be late in the future." Uther smiled little at Merlins reply. He placed his hand on Merlins tight which made Merlin a bit uncomfortable but it was ok, because Uther removed his hand soon to start the car. "I'll trust your word on that." He said and Merlin smiles at him politely.
Their way home was silent and Merlin was happy with that. He wasn't yet used to talking with Uther and he had noticed that even Arthur didn't talk to his father much and even that was formal most of the time. Or fighting, in the most formal way Merlin had ever witnessed. When they reached the house, Uther once more placed his hand on Merlins tight, closer to his crotch this time and said "I trust that you remember to be early tomorrow." and released his hand only when Merlin had replied "yes" to him, without a smile this time. When Merlin got back his ability to move, Uther had already opened the door on his side and was climbing form the car. Merlin opened his seat belt and moved quickly out of the car. He wasn't sure what to think, he was happy to have some attention from Uther who was busy and talked rarely to him or even Arthur but he wasn't used to this kind of touching. But then again, he had never really had a father… He decided that maybe Uther just didn't realise that to Merlin it seemed a bit weird to touch someones tight and he let it be.
In the evening, after dinner Merlin returned to his room. He went to shower which he still found luxurious to have in his own room. He striped his clothes and threw them into a basket that the cleaning lady would empty every wednesday and saturday. Luxury.
While showering Merlins mind turned to Arthur again. He thought of Arthur in the gym locker room and his lean back and his chest… Merlins hands started to wander to his crotch and he took his now hardening member in his hand. He kept his eyes closed and imagined his hand to be Arthurs. It felt good. He imagined Arthurs chest against his back and strong arms around his waist, touching him and soon he came with a small "ah!"
As he felt his member pulsating in his hand Merlin took support from the wall. He felt a little bit dizzy. 'I really have to be careful with this.' he thought as he realised how he had just masturbated at the thought of his possible stepbrother… He, however, didn't have time to think about it more as the bathroom door suddenly opened to reveal Uther. "You have been in shower for a very long time, I hope you are alright in there." his words were concerned but somehow Merlin didn't think his voice was. "I'm fine" he mumbled trying to cover himself as well as possible without being impolite. They were after all both male so he shouldn't feel embarrassed but as Uthers eyes kept looking at him up and down he felt really ashamed "Um… I'll be out soon, I'll just… rinse." he tried. "Of course." and with that Uther left and closed the door behind him.
Merlin sighed with relieve when Uther was gone. He felt adrenalin pumping in his veins. That had been too close. What if Uther had sawn him at it? Would he have asked what he was thinking? Maybe not… that seemed weird thing to ask, but still… Merlin felt a bit too transparent. Uther didn't usually come to his room and the timing just now had been horrible. Merlin made a mental note never do that again while in shover. But Merlin soon dismissed his uneasiness, he could just feel relieved that Uther hadn't come earlier. And even if he felt a bit weird how Uther had watched him, Merlin told himself that it was completely normal. It wasn't like he hadn't been seen by his classmates and such in gym. What was the difference really?
Being Arthurs lab partner was fun. Merlin liked the feeling that he knew and understood more than Arthur and even more that he could make Arthur learn and make his eyes lit when he finally understood something. But the down side was that Merlin kept noticing Arthur too much. He often caught himself staring at some insignificant movements he really didn't have to oversee or even just a strained hair or open top button could catch Merlins attention. He told himself every time that he should stop and that he was weird, but at the same time he couldn't make himself really care. Anyway, what could a little looking hurt? It was not like Arthur was noticing and their relationship was getting closer while they had to work together so everything was good, right?
Some nights Merlin ended up masturbating. Not in the shower anymore, he felt more confident under his blanket when he could hear and see immediately if someone came to his room. He fantasised about male bodies against him and never women. Too often he found that Arthur was the centre of his day dreams. Just something in him made Merlin more hot and come quicker than anything else he could make up. Some days he felt weird talking to Arthur, but he still could separate his fantasies from the reality, so the weird feeling was short lived.
One night he really stooped his thoughts to think, what is this all? Was he really gay? He liked male body yes, but what it really meant? Merlin laid in his bed thinking how it would be if he was in a relationship with a man. How would everything happen? How would his life be different? Who he could even talk about it? Or even tell? Could he find himself a boyfriend and have a life with him? How could he even find someone else who was like he was? Was there a difference in gay people? Like somehow roles on who would be on top? Would he be on top? No… not really. It wasn't like he was sure, but more like he felt that he might end up being on bottom and he felt a need to know if he was ready for it. Merlin touched his bottom and it felt a bit exciting. But when he pushed his finger in, it hurt. It felt too dry. He needed something to lubricate it.
The next day Merlin asked if his mother had some kind of lotion, for his dry skin… Hunith told him, he could take anything from his bathroom and Merlin chose the most oily and slick lotion he could find. He felt a bit ashamed for lying to his mother and using her lotions, but his desire to try out what he had planned, was stronger.
That night Merlin took the lotion out and slicked his fingers with it. He hesitantly touched his bottom and pushed his fingers in. It felt a bit weird and moving his finger caused him discomfort and some pain, but after he touched his front at the same time, he actually started to feel pretty good. He tried to move his fingers again and to his surprise, the same movement felt entirely different. It took some time Merlin could find the rhythm for his front and back to make him feel good, but eventually he did it and it felt great. It was just in a whole new scale and Merlin found himself getting slower just so he could enjoy the feeling more. Then a sudden thought of it being Arthur who was doing this to him, made Merlin come.
He had to pant a while holding his hand out he had used to capture the mess he had made. He really wanted Arthur. This was too much. He couldn't be like this. He had to keep this secret. Merlin came to face the reality of how much people would hate him if they knew he was gay, but there was no measurements to describe what they would think if they found out that Merlin was not only gay, but had lust for one of the most popular kids in the school, Arthur, the captain of football team. And his live-in-maybe-to-be-step-brother. That just wasn't right.
After that Merlin made sure that no-one could see him staring at Arthur. He kept his eyes on himself as much as possible, but when he saw Arthur in gym locker room or just doing what ever in the house, Merlin would take everything and store it to his memory. He kind of decided that this was going to pass and he would just have to wait for it to pass. Meanwhile, if he had urges, he would just have to take care of them by himself at night.
One day they went as a family to some boring dinner party of Uthers business associate, Merlin tried to find some attractive features from the other quests. Of course that wasn't very easy given that most of the quest were close to Uthers age, but there was some younger quests and waiters too. Merlin could find some things he found attractive. He was relieved of that. At least he wasn't only after Arthur, but still, he couldn't find anyone as capturing as Arthur. And it wasn't feeling like it was just the looks. He found one very nice looking waiter with black curls and lean, well balanced body type. HIs clothes also fir perfectly and his vest made his back look very nice. But as soon as Arthur opened his mouth to comment something to Merlin, he forgot the waiter in seconds.
That night Merlin was about to touch of himself, trying to remember how the waiter had looked like. He was under his covers and about to lover his pyjama pants when Uther opened his door. He didn't even knock. Merlin tried to make himself look like he had just been going to sleep. He even closed his eyes pretending to be asleep, but Uther closed the door and came to his side. Merlin felt so uncomfortable right now and it didn't get any better from there on. "What is it that you have been doing?" Uther asked in a cold tone and Merlin found himself getting stiff from stress. He was unsure of what to do and what Uther knew and that made him scared. "I was just getting to sleep…" He tried but Uther didn't seem satisfied. Although he didn't say anything, he was making Merlin uncomfortable. He had no idea what to say or do. "I know what you have been up to." Uther finally said with the same cold tone. Merlin felt his mouth go dry and his worst fears surfaced. Could Uther really know?
Uther looked at Merlins night stand and Merlin felt his blood freeze. He had left the lotion he had gotten from his mother and some tissues there out in the open. "You dirty little faggot. I know." Uther said whit just a bit more than a whisper and Merlin got really scared of his tone. It was a different level of being afraid. Merlin felt like he was on a thin ice and he had no idea of what to say or do now. "I have seen how you look at men and how you want to be touched by them." Uther continued leaning closer to Merlin with every word. Merlin felt the ice brake and himself sink. What was there now? How could he turn this around? Would everybody know? "I- I didn't mean to… I'll stop now. I really will!" He tried sincerely, but Uthers gaze became even harder. "I know your kind and you never change. You are dirty to the core."
Merlin felt pain to his deepest parts of his heart then. He felt all his feelings and they twisted to be something dirty. He had wanted Arthur and he knew it was wrong, he liked male body over female body and that he had heard was wrong. He had thought that he would get past Arthur, but he hadn't thought himself that horrible for preferring men, but now Uther had told him that he was and that he wouldn't change. That scared Merlin. Uther smiled coldly at him. Like he had won something. "I guess you want to keep all this as a secret…" He said with a slick voice. Uther was now hovering over him, leaning to his bed post looking imitating, but Merlin felt a bit relieved at his words. Secret meant that nobody else needed to know anything. "I'll keep this secret, if you are willing to do something for me…" Uther whispered now a little bit more gently leaning even closer. Merlin could just look at him confused. He had no idea what he meant but even if there was a nagging thought behind his head, he refused to listen to it. He nodded really slowly actually making just the smallest movement that could be called a nod. Uther straightened up and lifted the blanket that was still covering Merlin.
Merlin flinched and curled a bit into a ball trying to hide himself. Uther looked at him in the same way that Merlin remembered he had looked at Merlin when he had been naked. This made Merlin self conscious and uncomfortable and he felt a need to snatch the blanket back and cover himself even if he had full pyjama on. "I think you will make me happy, very happy indeed." Uther said in a seductive voice and pulled Merlin to sit up. Merlin was petrified. He could just watch when Uther took Merlins hand and put it on his crotch. He moved Merlins hand up and down and while he was doing that, Merlin could feel Uther get harder and harder. "Now, take your pants of." Uther said only command and coldness in his voice and Merlin looked at his eyes. He didn't want to strip but Uthers gaze hardened and he said with a scary voice "Now." Still, Merlin couldn't move. Only his hand was moving and that was only because Uther had his hand on top of it making it move. "Do it. Or would you like that I'll tell your dear mother about this?" Uther asked and Merlin had no doubt that he was being serious.
Merlin stood up with shaky legs. Uther let go of his hand and stepped back so he could see Merlin better. "I'm sure you wouldn't want your mother to know what you have been doing with her lotion…" He said slowly making Merlin feel deep shame. Why had he had to be so stupid and take the lotion? And use it not only once but many times, over and over again. He lowered his pants slowly and Uther again stepped right in front of Merlin. He took a hold of merlins boxers front and gripped Merlins penis trough the fabric. Merlin flinched. The grip wasn't gentle and it was close to hurting. "So small and yet you want to be fucked by men…" Uther said and Merlin felt shame about his size even thought he knew that it wasn't the problem here he should concentrate.
Uther took a hold on Merlins forearm and spun him around and against his chest. Merlin yelped and froze at the sudden contact. He felt claustrophobic and too close to Uther. He wanted to struggle, but then Uther started to pump Merlins thing up and down and Merlin froze not believing what was happening. He felt uncomfortable and scared of what was happening, but still he felt himself getting hard. Merlin was horrified. What was happening to him? He started to squirm but Uther held him tighter. "See how much you want this, see how dirty you are… disgusting." Uthers words made Merlin feel tears burn in his eyes and he felt all of his strength leave him. He could just watch how a man who was part of his new family squeezed his semi erect member one last time before pushing Merlin off of him.
Merlin had to take a hold of his bed post in order not to loose his balance. When he turned around to look, he saw Uther exit his room. Merlin sat on his bed and hugged himself shivering violently. He felt cold and exposed. He looked at his pyjama pants that were lying on the floor and he quickly grabbed them and put them back on. He felt like they had been evidence lying where everyone could see them. He also looked at his night table and he took the lotion and tissues. He walked to his bathroom and threw the tissues to a trash can and the lotion to his cupboard. He pushed the cupboard door close with too much force and rested his weight to it's doors breathing harshly and covered with cold sweat.
That night sleep didn't come easily for Merlin. He felt that his privacy had disappeared and that he was not safe. He was ashamed of himself and his body and there was nothing he could do with it. He thought over and over again what he should have done or shouldn't have done, but in the end he had no answer of how he could have avoided what had happened besides not wanting Arthur or men over women in general. Why was he has to be like this? Merlin had never liked attention nor had he been very confident with himself, but he had also never cared that much of other peoples opinions and he knew he had been different his whole life. But now he felt like everything could see the very core of him and that it was wrong. He was wrong… Merlin fell asleep feeling scared. How was he supposed to face anyone tomorrow?
The next day the school felt cold and intimidating. And too big, definitely too big. Every time he saw someone looking at him or talking about him, Merlin felt ashamed and afraid that they knew exactly what had happened. The hardest part was to see Arthur, coming fresh from the showers, looking bright and energetic. Merlin avoided him the whole day. The second hardest thing was to face Gwen. He almost prepared himself to the end of their relationship, but Gwen was chipper as always. It made Merlin relax and he kind of started to feel like he was in a different world than in the one he had been in his bed room. It felt weird but comforting in a way. In school he wasn't dirty and he had no weird thoughts. With Gwen he felt like a normal person and her company made him forget himself after a while.
It was the final class that made Merlin uncomfortable again. It was PE and he had to change in front of everybody in the class and wear shorts and t-shirt. And he had to see Arthur do the same. That was hard. He had avoided looking at Arthur before, but now there was so much more fear than before. Merlin didn't know how to hide his want and the only thing he could do was to try to think something, anything else than what he was currently doing, where and with who. It took at least two basketballs to his head and at lest hundred sighs from Arthur to make Merlin try to concentrate on what he was supposed to do even after half an hour after leaving the changing room. For a while he tried to forget Arthur and all the other class mates and only concentrate on the bouncing ball. It didn't go too well and after a while Merlins concentration slipped and he dropped the ball he was supposed to catch. Arthur yelled at him in frustration "Oy! Merlin! Where is your head today? Forgot it at home?" Usually Merlin would have had something to say back but today he just felt like a lover human being and he mumbled something like an apology.
Arthur put his hands on his hips and Merlin couldn't help but think that Arthur was good looking in his shorts and slim fit shirt. That didn't help his dilemma. "There is something about you today Merlin, I can't quite put my finger on it…" Arthur said musing and Merlin felt a sting in his heart. Did Arthur know what he was thinking? Merlin felt like all that he was, was in the open for everyone to see. And the most importantly, Arthur could see everything and Merlin would never live that down. The coach blew his whistle and Merlin took his opportunity. "I'll take the ball to the storage room!" He said quickly and ran off.
Arthur looked after Merlin. There was something off. He was behaving differently, more uneasy. Arthur wasn't sure since when did he care, but he did and he felt like Merlin was hiding something from him. He didn't like that. It felt like Merlin didn't trust him and that hurt Arthur. He remembered how he had used to make fun of Merlin in quite a mean way. And others also. Teasing them if they were from country side or if their families weren't as rich as his was or just because they seemed different. Arthur didn't want that Merlin felt that he would still do that to him and Arthur had to reflect at his behaviour. He felt stupid and ashamed of himself. Arthur decided that he wouldn't bully anyone anymore. He didn't have to anymore, actually. He felt more calm these days and his act was more of a habit than a way of venting, like it had used to be. And he had to thank Merlin for that.
The following weeks Merlin tried mostly to survive. Uther came to his room from time to time and he always told Merlin to take various parts of his clothes off. Merlin would do as he was told because he was too scared to tell Uther otherwise. He tried to separate himself from the situations and tell himself that it was nothing, but it didn't help much. When Uther touched Merlins privates, Merlin usually felt at least some kind of reaction and it scared Merlin every time more and more. Some times Uther would make Merlin touch Uthers thing and that felt even more weird and disgusting for Merlin. Uthers erection felt somehow too adult and the way it grew hard made Merlin disturbed. It was too much. He wasn't ready for this and this just wasn't how he had imagined it.
It took at least the first period for Merlin to get used to being at school. He had learned that people couldn't tell that he had been touched or that he was gay, but still he was nervous most of the time. Arthur would talk to him sometimes and he ate with Merlin and Gwen every other day. At home Arthur usually was busy and while Merlin had stopped coming to read to living room, he saw Arthur less and less in their home. Arthur felt like a school friend more than a family member to Merlin. Gwen had commented how Merlin seemed to get along with Arthur much better nowadays and how he had good influence on Arthur because she hadn't seen Arthur picking up on people anymore. Merlin wasn't convinced and he felt wrong when he, Arthur and good were mentioned in a same sentence. He seriously couldn't think anything he did as a good thing if it included Arthur… He was most likely doing or at least thinking the exact opposite of good. He was weird and his thoughts were unclean.
Uther picked Merlin up from school every day. Some days he would put his hand in Merlins pants and not just to feel him up trough boxers, he put his hand inside all the way. Merlin had a mantra of 'it's not real, it's not real' he kept repeating until they got home. He had tried to tell Uther that he didn't like him doing that, but Uther had just squeezed him painfully and told him how he had gotten hard and how he liked it because he was a faggot. Merlin didn't know what to say to that. Uther was an adult Merlin had learned to fear and respect (in a way that Uther was respected by others in his very successful business life) and he believed his word. That left Merlin to be even more hateful towards himself and more scared of that anyone would find out. He felt that what ever the situation was, if people were to find out, they would blame Merlin before Uther without doubt.
The winter was nearing and the air was getting colder. It made Merlin more depressed. He didn't like cold very much. It was alright when it was really a winter and snow and stuff, he was used to that and he had always liked to be outside playing around with Will. But this wet, miserable cold with barely degrees over zero, with no hope of snow made Merlin so cold. And this year he was feeling cold on the inside too. Merlin avoided going outside at all if it was possible. That wasn't very hard actually, he still had no reasons to go anywhere, he was driven to school and back home everyday to an inside garage and the only times he left the house besides school anymore, was with his mother occasionally and even that was rare because Hunith was very busy with her studies now. She told them in the dinner table how she needed much more effort than all the younger students because she was so old, but she was always smiling and Merlin knew she enjoyed herself. Merlin felt some comfort when he saw his mother so energetic, but at the same time he felt like he was letting her down with not only being gay, but also by not having enough energy to be happy with her. Merlin felt bad for moping around, but when he saw his mothers bright smile, he just couldn't make himself smile equally back at her. His smile felt forced and false to him. He hoped it didn't show.
It was late october when one night Hunith asked Merlin and Arthur to come downstairs. She and Uther had something to talk to them. Merlin looked Arthur confused and Arthur looked equally confused. This relaxed Merlin some, if Arthur didn't know either it shouldn't be about Merlin. Uther was sitting in a living room and Hunith sat next to him. Merlin felt nervous under their gazes even thought his mother smiled at them.
When Merlin and Arthur were both seated opposite to them (Merlin sat on the very end of the couch just to be as far away from Arthur as possible.) Hunith took Uthers hand in hers making Merlin feel cold in a whole new way. Uther smiled warmly to Merlins mother and Hunith replied the smile. Uther then turned to look at Arthur and told them what Merlin already knew he would say "Hunith and I have decided to get married." Merlin felt like his life was going to its end. He could hear Arthur congratulating them politely. While Merlins ears rang and he felt like he was falling. He only snapped out of it when he saw his mother looking at him and he forced a smile on his face. He couldn't remember after five minutes what he had said, but it had made his mother smile. There was nowhere to run now. Uther would officially become his guardian and Arthur… would be Merlins step-brother.